


Losing all hope can be freedom

by angi190



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst, Captivity, Dehumanization, Electrocution, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gang Rape, Heavy Angst, Hospitalization, Hurt/Comfort, Kidnapping, M/M, Mental Torture, Might add more tags later, Night Terrors, Physical Disability, Physical Therapy, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Public Humiliation, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Doubt, Self-Harm, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Torture, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Torture, a lot of crying, but i never got to post it, i've had this fic long time coming, like i said it's pretty dark, mental ilnesses, ok guys this fic is really dark, ok now for the real tags, so please read the tags carefully, starvation as torture
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-27
Updated: 2017-10-09
Packaged: 2018-07-18 14:20:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 42
Words: 222,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7318690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angi190/pseuds/angi190
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tyler and Josh are two happy boys playing in a band together, touring the world and making the music they love.</p><p>Until one day , when Josh is kidnapped and spends 8 months in captivity being tortured by terrorists in Syria.</p><p>This story is triggering and dark and is not for the fainthearted.</p><p>It's also inspired by real events. Read it with care</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Safe

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys. First of all this is my first fic here, so don't be too harsh on me :) This story is heavy and it is based on real life events. Please let me know what you think, since i'm new here and i don't really know what I'm doing lol 
> 
> The flashback that Josh will have about his life in captivity will be written in italics. That way you can just avoid it if you don't feel comfortable reading those parts. Most of the triggers apply to them, so heads up.
> 
> The POV will change from Josh's to Tyler's for the story's sake.
> 
> Hopefully there will be a lot of chapters if you guys enjoy the story.
> 
> Anyways, stay street :)

\-------------------------------

Beeping. Thrumming. Beep beep beep. Voices. Monitors. More beeping. Lights behind closed eyelids. Fear. Josh tried to move his hands, but couldn't. Oh God. Oh no, he was restrained again wasn't he. His breathing picked up along with the beeping from a machine near by. Josh tired to open his eyes, he couldn't stand not knowing where he was. If he was going to get hurt again he would at least want to know what to expect or how to protect himself. Sounds. Grunts. Coughing. He realized he was making those sounds, trying to scream or yell, but noting came out except for dry coughs and pathetic whimpers.  
There was movement around him, someone has approached him, but he still couldn't open his eyes and he was so so scared. They will take him again, hurt him again, lock him up and torture him again.

More noise, voices closer this time, worried and hushed.

" Josh" ? - someone was saying his name - "can you hear me ? Josh ? "

He struggled violently when someone tried to grab his hand. Instincts were telling him to get away, to escape, to run and hide from the  
upcoming abuse, but his body wouldn't listen. He tried to sit up, but pain shot trough his body, bringing him right back down with a hawl  
of pain.

"Josh !" - the voices were still saying his name, more gently this time - "It's ok, you're ok. Josh, everything is allright, you're safe.  
You need to calm down, ok ? You're safe, no one is going to hurt you "

His eyes shot open when another set of hands tried to hold him still. Everything was a blurr. It was bright, really bright and his eyes hurt from the light. He couldn't recognise the place he was at, but it was all white and bright. He was obviously lying on a bed in a white room and there were people crowded around him, keeping their distance as though not to scare him. Where was he ? Who were these people ? What the hell happened ? His breathing picked up from all the confusion and fear. He made another attempt to rise from the lying position , but his body screamed at him to stop and helplessly lie back. The voices kept talking to him repeating the same mantra " You're ok, you're safe Josh, it's alright" , but he couldn't stop the panic from gripping his lungs , suffocating him. He looked at the woman crouching near the bed with frantic eyes, trying to  
focus on her face, but it was still too blurry. 

" You are in a hospital, Josh. I promise you no one means harm here. We all want to help you. You're safe here ok ? You're ok "- she kept talking  
to him and it soothed him enough for his heart to go back to somewhat normal rhythm.  
Josh relaxed back against the bed, trying to catch his breath, the memories slowly coming back to him. 

Dark cell. Chains. Pain. Hurt. Everything hurt.  
Loneliness.The last memory he had was him lying on the freezing floor of his cell, barely awake, pain coursing trough his body, so strong it made him sick to the point of throwing up. He was chained to the floor with heavy chains, twisting his already broken bones painfully , leaving him helpless and in horrible pain. His captors have left him for days on end, all alone in the dark with no food or water to suffer. It was even worse than the tortures he had to endure on daily basis. He has wished for death many times during the whole ordeal, but he never wanted to die more than during those excruciating days ( or weeks) he had to spend all alone, the horrible pain being his only company. But he was alive. And he wasn't in that horrible cell anymore.

His breathing became more calm as minutes passed by and nobody made a move to touch him or come any further into his personal space. His eyes were so used to the dark that he couldn't bear the light yet. The figures were still blurry, but they definitely looked nothing like the people who kept him locked away in that dirty basement. So Josh allowed himself to relax, while the weight of his body pulled him down once again, reminding him of the trauma it has endured. Was it really over ? Was he free ? Tyler. Oh God. He had to reach out to him. Let him know he's a live. Josh felt his body tense once again, his monitors beeping loud and fast. 

" Josh ?" - the woman sitting next to Josh's bed spoke and he turned towards her with frightened eyes " Can you hear me ?" - he hesitated for a moment  
and nodded.

" Good. My name is Dr. Morgan. You are in a field hospital just outside the town of Samnu, central Sirya. You were rescued from a pensioner camp you've been held at against your will by the Ansar al-Sharia terrorist group. I know it's a lot to handle right now and you're probably tired and confused, but I need to know how bad are your injuries. Is that ok ? "

Josh just looked at her with the same frightened and confused eyes, trying to make sense of what he has just been told. So the people who tortured him were terrorists. He guessed as much when he got captured by them. But why did they choose him ? What has he ever done to them ? What did they want ? All they ever did was torture him without asking anything in return. They never asked for ransom. They never demanded anything from Josh. They just kept him there like some kind of animal, chained, naked, starving and barely alive. But he never got to know why. Every time he tried to ask them why he was there, why were they doing this to him he got punished for speaking. It was beaten into him that he is not a human being and he doesn't have the right to speak. 

"Can you speak ? " - Dr Morgan asked him after a short scilense. Josh has now started trembling and paled even further if that was possible. The woman noticed  
the change in him and quickly reassured him 

"You don't have to talk if you don't want to. No one will pressure you into doing anything you're not comfortable with. I just need to know how badly you are hurt so I can help you feel a bit better. Is that ok ? Can you answer me by nodding or shaking your head ? "

Josh nodded slowly and bit his lip. He still didn't know if he could trust these people, if they were really on his side, trying to help him or maybe it was just a trap. He was too tired to think and just relaxed against the bed, feeling exhausted and completely drained. He had only one thing on his mind right now. Only one thing was keeping him awake.  
One name. Tyler.


	2. Goodbyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place 8 months prior to the first one. Josh is leaving and says goodbye to Tyler and his family. There are no trigger warnings for this chapter, but it's important for the story. It might take a while for the story to get going, but there's a lot of things I feel like I need to include for it to be truthful. Once again - this story is based on real life events. I've done plenty of research on this topic and it has inspired me to write about it.   
> Since I'm not the best writer I apologize in advance for any mistakes or misunderstandings.   
> It would help a lot to have feedback so I'd be endlessly grateful for any opinions or criticism or whatever :)
> 
> Next chapter will be a lot darker and will follow Josh's road to captivity and coping with the hellish setuation

\--------------------------------

8 month earlier

 

"Josh slow down dude, you're gonna drown yourself in that coffee" - Tyler was laughing at his friend drinking his coffee in a hurry while trying to finish packing his suitcase in the same time.

"I'm so late, fuck, fuck " Josh somehow managed not to spill the entire cup of steaming liquid all over himself when his phone rang.

"Hello, yes mom I know, I'm on my way. Okay, tell dad to wait 5 minutes and I'll be right out" - Josh dropped the phone on his bed and finished closing his suitcase

"Why do you need so many stuff anyway bro ? " Tyler sat down on the bed and looked at his friend -" I mean it's not like you're moving there or anything"

" Ugh I don't know, I mean I didn't even put that many stuff inside"- Josh tired to defend himself - " But from what I've heard about Syria it's nothing like here. I thought I'd put some stuff just in case. I don't know." - Josh was staring at the suitcase and Tyler felt a pang of something in his chest. He knew he would miss his best friend like crazy, but it's something that was really important to Josh and as his best friend he would support him no matter what. Even if he hated that Josh was leaving for almost a whole month or the fact that he was going to a pretty dangerous place, foreign and very far from home.

As if Josh felt his friend overthinking a few feet away from him, he sat down on the bed next to Tyler and put his hand on his shoulder.

"Hey" - he said with a gentle voice and Tyler looked up to look in Josh's eyes, as warm and kind as always. " You're getting yourself worked up again, aren't you ?"

" Can you blame me ? I mean it feels like you're going on a freaking war" - Tyler said with a forced smile. He didn't feel like smiling at all, but he didn't want to upset Josh before he left. 

" Hey hey, Ty" - Josh threw his hand around Tyler's shoulder, gently hugging him. Tyler relaxed into his friend's embrace and felt tears burn his vision. Pull your shit together, Tyler damn it ! You cant fucking cry right now ! He scolded himself internally.

" These 4 weeks will fly by so fast you won't even notice I'm gone. Plus, you'll get to spend some time with Jenna, go on vacation, finally arrange the new apartment you two lovebirds bought yourself " - Josh's tone was playful but Tyler knew him enough to hear the fragility in his friend's voice.

"You know why I'm worried, right ? Syria is one of the most dangerous places in the world right now and you're planning on spending 4 freaking weeks there. What if someone attacks you ? What if the place you're staying at gets bombarded ? What if something happens to you .... ? - Tyler trailed off, too upset to finish the sentence.

Josh hugged him tighter, pressing his cheek to Tylers' rubbing circles into his back. He completely understood why his friend was so worried, if it was Tyler leaving Josh would probably react the same. They barely ever spent any time apart and when they did they always looked for ways to get back together, even if it was for a little while. And for the first time in almost 5 years they would have to spend whole 4 weeks without seeing each other and it was difficult and emotional. But Josh was determined in a way he hasn't been in a long time. There wasn't much outside music and drumming that gave e him a reason, a proper reason to live and to feel like he was doing something important. A purpose. Something him and Tyler would talk about more often than not in their songs. The never ending search for a purpose in one's life, the search for the one main reason for being born. Josh needed to feel that again, to feel like he was doing something that really mattered, not in a figurative way trough writing songs that helped people , but to really effect someone's life in a big way. It was probably selfish of him, to throw himself into dangerous situation like that just because he felt useless and powerless, but he kept telling himself that it's not about him or Tyler or his family, it was about all those people who had NO family and no shelter and no hope and he could actually do something to effect their lives in positive way. 

So that's what he was focusing on while comforting his upset best friend, who was currently sniffing quietly in his arms and wiping his face with a sleeve. They stayed like that for a bit when Josh's phone went off again.

"It's my mum again. We should get going." Josh untangled himself from Tyler and kissed his forehead while doing so. He didn't miss the small smile on Ty's face and smiled himself. He had no idea how he'd last almost a month without this man. It would be difficult but he was determined to follow his heart and do what he felt was the right thing. 

They got up from the bed, Josh grabbed his suitcase and Tyler helped him get the other packed bag. They walked outside in silence where Josh's mom was waiting for them in her car. His dad walked out and hugged Josh and than Tyler and helped them load the baggage into the car. The car ride was quiet. Not in an awkward way, there was no tension, but Josh knew that everyone was trying to suppress their feelings for his sake. 

They arrived at the airport 30 minutes later and unpacked Josh's luggage from the trunk. The flight was leaving in two hours so they had some time to sit down ,have breakfast and talk. They mostly talked about Josh's upcoming trip, where he's going to stay, what kind of people he's going to meet. Josh was actually thrilled to go more than he was scared. Although there was always an underlying fear that something might go wrong and he will end up in the wrong place and at the wrong time. But he pushed these thoughts aside, focusing more on the actual reason he was going. Humanitarian aid. 

Helping people on the verge of dying, bringing back hope to those who's lives have been destroyed by the never ending war. He could do this. He could sacrifice his comfort and peace for 4 weeks while these people would have to suffer for the rest of their lives. He could do this and everything would be okay.

The goodbyes were emotional, his mom was crying while hugging him so tight she almost cut his blood flow. His dad hugged him a couple of times before leaving Josh and Tyler alone. Josh was standing just outside the terminal where his plane was waiting to take him far away from his friend and his normal life.

"Stay safe ok ? - Tyler spoke with a raspy voice - " And call me as soon as you land. ugh I know I sound like your mum but I'm just worried for you."

"It's okay, no need to worry" - Josh said with genle voice and smiled at Tyler - " I won't get into trouble , I promise. Altgough it would be fun if they gave me ak 47 " He laughed when Tyler expression went from worried to terrified

" They have ak 47 on them ?" Tyker gaped.

" Relax Ty, I was joking. You know I can't handle a weapon, I'll probably just hit myself in the face with it if they gave me one " - Josh was laughing and Tyler laughed too, finally.

The speakers announced that Josh's flight was leaving in 15 minutes and all passengers need to take their seats. Josh hugged Tyler tighter this time, holding to him like a lifeline. Like this would be the last time they hug in his life. Maybe Tyler felt that too, because this hug felt like something more than a simple goodbye.

"Please stay safe, Josh" - Tyler whispered, as though choking on his words " Please be okay"

" I'll be fine,Ty, don't be scared"

"But I am scared" - Tyler buried his face in the other's strong chest and stayed like that for another moment before releasing him. Josh had to leave and there wasn't anything Tyler could do about it now. The dread he felt in his stomach and his throat left unvoiced, because he didn't want to upset his friend right now. It's just a feeling. I'm just worried, Tyler told himself while waving Josh goodbye. They looked at each other for the last time before Josh disappeared behind the corner.

Tyler felt empty. In the pit of his stomach he knew that this emptiness had nothing to do with the fact that Josh is leaving, it was something far deeper and more frightening than that. He felt like he was losing Josh. 

Like he was seeing his best friend for the last time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope it's not moving too slow, hopefully I'll write a chapter a day so it won't take long to get this story out. Anyways thanks for reading :)


	3. I don't know if I am dying or living

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ok guys, this chapter is going to get pretty violent so heads up. It's a flashback Josh has and the violence is not directed towards him, but it's still pretty dark. Once again read the tags before proceeding.
> 
> Thanks for leaving kudos and comments. It's pretty difficult writing about this stuff, hence the realness this story caries. This kind of stuff happens to people every day. 
> 
> There are a few Arabic terms used in this chapter. One of them is "Kafir" which means a non believer. The other one is Fitnah, which also means disbelief in Allah.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this story :)

 

\-------------------------

Present days

  
The constant noise around Josh was making him anxious. He still wasn't sure what was happening or where exactly he was and the fact that he couldn't bring himself to speak wasn't helping much. He spent all of the time in bed, since every movement he made lit his body on fire. The first day when he woke up in the field hospital he was scared, hurting and disoriented. The doctors tried to get him to eat or to speak, but he didn't respond to anything. They even tried to treat his injuries, but he flinched violently every time someone tried to touch him, so they left him be.

It was the second day after he woke up in the unfamiliar place and Josh was coming to his senses. With that came the unbearable pain so he spent most of the time trying to find a comfortable spot to lay down so it wouldn't be too painful for his bruised and broken body. The heat was driving him insane and combined with the noise and constant cries and whimpers of other patients it was almost maddening. He quickly learned that even though this place has provided wounded and ill patients with some medical help they barely had any painkillers or antiseptics. Some of his wounds were probably infected and the heat was only making things worse. He needed to reach out to his family. To Tyler. Tyler... he hasn't seen his best friend in what seems to be decades. Josh's mind was flooded with faint memories of the goodbyes they shared at the airport God knows how long ago. His friend was holding onto him so tightly , like he knew somehow that Josh won't come back. He begged Josh to be okay, to stay safe, not to leave, but Josh didn't listen to Tyler. He didn't deserve a friend like him. God he was so selfish and stupid and blind.

  
If Josh ever made it out of this alive Tyler would probably hate him for doing this to him and his family. And with every right. But every single cell in his body needed Tyler, he needed to see him, to hug him, hold him close and never let go. For months he fantasized about having the boy in his arms once again, just one last time. But he didn't feel like he deserved it, not after he hurt Tyler so badly. Josh could only imagine the hell the other one had to go trough , not knowing if Josh  was alive at all. God if he could turn back time and never get on that plane ....

Josh shook his head. He needed to stop thinking about Tyler or he could go insane. It was easy to focus on the pain that was ravaging his body,instead making him go numb.  
His eyes were still ajusting to the light so he couldn't see his surroundings too clearly. His so called room wasn't really a room, but more like a tent. There were curtains all around him, separating him from the other patients. Someone was screaming in agony a few feet away from him. It went on for quite a while, but the person was still going,  
his voice raspy and pleading.

Josh has screamed himself raw on the third month of his captivity. His vocal cords were left bleeding and badly damaged so as the torture continued he took it almost silently.  
Now he couldn't even bring himself to use his voice, to see if he can still make a sound. It was too damaged and brought too many traumatizing memories back.

The person next to him reduced from screaming to begging. "Please help me, please make it stop, please end it. Please."

Josh tried to put his hands on his ears but his arms only lifted a few inches before pain shot trough his bones stopping his attempt to move. The screaming was driving him  
insane.. The helplessness was one of the worst feelings Josh has ever had to experience while in captivity. He wasn't the only person being tortured and abused by the terrorists.  
Other people shared his faith, getting hurt only a few feet away from him, in the other cells, their pleading and screaming echoing in Josh's mind. He felt like throwing up. the next moment everything was spinning and his throat was closing in, not allowing any air to go trough . Panic filled his mind and everything was fading to black once again.

\--------  
Flashback

  
_Josh was torn away from unconciousness by an ear piercing scream. He scrambled to get up on his hands knees and push his back agains the nearest wall, but the pain in his shoulders was blinding so he slumped back down on the ground, pressing his arms to his chest in attempt to soothe the unbearable burning and twisting in his bones. Both of his shoulders must have been dislocated again if the excruciating pain and weakness in his arms was anything to go by. He liyed on the cold ground, breathing fast and heavy, trying very hard to shut out the screams that echoed from the cell  oppsite to his, but it was no use. The person - a woman, probably middle aged was screaming so loud Josh thought she would tear her vocal cords if she kept screaming like that. There was a distinctive sound of a buzz - electricity Josh realized and than another sharp cry. This went on for a while, buzzing , screaming, cursing. Than everything went silent. He could hear the tormentors cursing and  screaming at the woman , kicking her and spitting at her, but she wasn't responding. Probably passed out Josh thought. Than he heard a sound of water sprawling on the ground and the woman, obviously woken by the cold water was coughing and heaving and gasping for air. Josh raised his head from where it was lying on the ground and tried to see what was happening opposite of him, but it was dark and he  could only make out silhouettes of 4-5 people standing in a sort of a circle where the woman must be laying on the ground. One of the guards grabbed his bat which was hanging on his belt and smirked._

_Two of the guards held the woman by her hands and head pressing her to the ground while the other two proceeded with taking her clothes off, not that there were many clothes on her anyway. Than one of them grabbed her hips and pulled her ass up, so now her face was pressed to the ground and her hips were high in the air. Josh was going to be sick. He knew where this was going and he couldn't do a damn thing to stop it. She started begging them to stop, sobbing and crying, begging for mercy but saw none. The guard with the bat laughed at her and kicked her in the ribs._

_Than he lowered the bat close to her face and said so quietly Josh barely heard him :_

_" *Kafir* whores like you deserve to die like the filthiest scum on Earth. I will fuck the disbelieve out of you, bitch" - and than he shoved the bat into her, laughing while the woman screamed for them to stop._

_Than he spoke again, this time louder:_

_"And kill them wherever you find them, and turn them out from where they have turned you out.Allah is forgiving and merciful. And fight them until there is no more Fitnah and worship is for Allah alone"_

_The other men repeated the verse a couple of times , while the guard with the bat was raping the half conscious woman until she stopped screaming and started weeping quietly. Josh felt tears roll down his cheeks._ _How could they do this to another human being ? How could they believe all of this bullshit about Allah giving them permission to torture and kill innocent people because they believed to be non believers ? What_ _kind of God would want that ? What kind of religion would approve that ? Or even further than that - provoke and instigate such horrific crimes ? It was all so unfair. He bet this woman haven't done anything wrong_ _and probably ended up in there just like him. Being punished for crimes she didn't commit. Suffering for nothing. Dying alone, scared and in pain. God it was all so unfair._

_He was now quietly crying, the horrific scene_ _in front of him being too much for him to handle. It continued on and on... it felt like hours to him. The woman just wouldn't lose consciousness no matter how brutal the attack was, or how roughly the bat was shoved_ _into her. Than after what seemed like forever she choked and gasped, with one last effort she tried to beg them to stop, but instead her skull was smashed by one of the guard's boots. And he kept kicking her in the head_ _with such ruthlessness Josh couldn't handle it anymore._

_" Please stop, please" - he whispered brokenly, the sick sound of rubber meeting body filled the air. " Please leave her alone" - he was crying quietly into his hands, laying on the ground on his side and trying not to vomit_ _all over himself._

_One of the guards must've heard him because he turned around towards him with furious eyes and made a few steps to walk out of the now dead woman's cell. Josh squeezed his eyes tightly shut, hoping the man won't come into his_ _cell and make him pay for speaking out of turn._

_He heard the boots tapping on the ground, the man coming close and stopping just outside his cell._

  
_" Did I hear you speak you filthy american scum ? " He asked with a dangerous note in his voice. "Did I tell you to speak ? Did you hear me say you are allowed to open your * *fatnah* mouth ? - Josh knew better than to answer and just_ _pushed his face further into his hands, hoping his trembling wasn't too obvious._

_" I ASKED YOU A QUESTION BITCH" - He roared, smashing the metal bars of Josh's cell with his bat. His body flinched violently while instinctively retreating to the nearest corner, as if hiding there would stop the furious figure from hurting him._

  
_He shook his head for "no" and kept his gaze at the ground bracing himself for the punishment ahead. The guard smirked, obviously enjoying how terrified the man in the cell was and turned around to join the other guards. Josh let out a breath_ _he didn't realize he was holding. His torture was prolonged, at least for this moment. He cast one final look at the oppisite cell and the lifeless body of a woman laying on the dirty ground, covered in blood and spit, He heard zippers being undone_ _and instantly he knew what was coming. The same thing has been done to him many times before. He closed his as the air was filled with wet sounds from pissing._

_Josh relaxed against the freezing ground, too weak to fight with his internal recoil anymore, too hurt to think or do anything. He just wanted this to be over. He never wanted to die more in his life._

end of flashback

\-------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys please let me know what you think. Is it too much ? Too slow ? Too fast ? I'll be adding more chapters these days and there will be Tyler's point of view added as well.


	4. Chapter 4

Present days

Tyler's P.O.V

The phone call came while Tyler was restlessly sleeping on his parent's couch, in front of the fireplace located in his parent's living room. He wasn't breathing peacefully in his sleep,he hasn't been able to for the past 8 month.

Those 8 moths without his best friend has changed his life and him as a person. When Josh was taken away from him, his life fell completely apart and he had no clue how to fix the broken pieces. The pills didn't really help, they only flared his self loathing and anger. He hated how he was okay, safe at home and Josh was God knows where, going trough some unspeakable things, all alone and probably scared out of his mind. He hated himself for not going to Syria with Josh. He hated the fact that he didn't put enough fight to keep his friend from doing something incredible dangerous and the fact that he wasn't there with him. Tyler hated himself for how weak and selfish he being - feeling sorry for himself while Josh was fighting for his life and maybe losing it.No, he wasn't dying Tyler told himself. Josh was strong, a lot stronger than he was. Both physically and mentally. Josh has always been his rock, grounding him, providing him with firm support and comfort whenever Tyler felt himself drift into darkness. Josh always put Tyler first, always by his side supporting him even when his friend had problems on his own. Josh's hugs has always managed to make him feel better. Sometimes they didn't even need to talk, Josh's presence was enough to calm Tyler's racing mind. His best friend was one of the few people who truly understood how he felt even when Tyler himself wasn't sure. Friendship like this was once in a lifetime thing, Tyler was sure. No way in hell would he ever find another person who understood him so well and made him feel so safe, so content. In the past 5 years Josh has become not only a part of his life, but also a part of him, as a being. And now he was gone. A part of Tyler was gone and he felt empty, filled only with his nightmares and his fears.

Tyler steered in his sleep, refusing to go back to the real world and face it again. There was a phone ringing somewhere in the distance, but Tyler didn't make a move to answer it. The ringing continued for a while and than stopped. Someone was moving upstairs, probably his parents were woken by the noise as well. The phone was ringing again and Tyler was getting pretty irritated. Who the hell would call in the middle of the night, what was so important ? He hugged himself and tried to fall back asleep, where the self hatred and guilt didn't exist. Sleep was the only time Tyler didn't feel the constant nagging guilt in the pit of his stomach, bringing back memories of dyed hair and nose rings. After 8 months you'd think the pain from Josh's absence would get any more bearable, but the truth was that Tyler missed his best friend just as much as the day he hugged Josh for the last time and watched as his plane plane took off. Since than his life was a mess and Tyler couldn't find a way to put it back together. He didn't even find writing songs cathartic anymore. If anything it hurt him even more knowing that Josh will never hear those songs and they'll never play them on stage together. Especially after the last time when Tyler tried writing lyrics to express his feelings when he ended up having a huge breakdown, burning all of his sheets of music and almost causing a fire in his apartment. Since then he had someone around him almost all the time, either Mark or one of his parents or other relatives.

 

Today he was curled up in a pile of blankets in his parent's house almost all day, only getting up to take a shower and use the bathroom. It was one of those days, the tough ones, when all the curtains were pulled down, every ray of light chased away. Tyler tried to fall back asleep one last time, but the phone rang again and he gave up any hope of sleeping. Than he heard voices, his parents were obviously talking on the phone and it was LOUD. Commotion followed, footsteps ran down the stairs, more voices, until his mom entered the dark living room and lit up all the lights.

She was holding her phone in her hand, his father following her suit. Her eyes were wet with tears when she spoke :

"They found Josh" - she was openly crying now, waiting for Tyler's brain to catch up with what she just said " He's alive, Tyler, they found him"

Tyler stood up from the couch, his face disbelieving, shocked ... was this some sort of joke ? Was it a mistake ? was it possible ?

" Mom ? " Tyler's voice was small, on the verge of breaking " Are you sure ? Is he ok ? Where is he mom ? - Tyler tried not to hyperventilate , but it was too late. The next moment he was sobbing into his mother's chest, while his dad was stroking his back " Where is he ? Can I see him ? " Tyler's head was spinning, it was too much. Hearing the news after 8 months of hoping and praying Josh was okay and alive was too much for him to handle.

" Mark just called me, hunny. He told me that the terror camp Josh was held at got attacked by the Syrian army. They found him there and took him with them " She wiped her face with a napkin, took a deep breath and continued - " We're not sure where he is exactly, but Mark told me it was some sort of improvised field hospital. They are treating him there, but it's still very dangerous"

"We have to go there, we have to take him back to the US" - Tyler unattached himself from his mother's embrace and looked her in the eyes. " He has to come home, mom, we have to go there and take him home"

" I know hunny, I know. But right now it's too dangerous to travel there, the region where Josh was held is extremely violent, they are fighting there Tyler, it's war. We can't just barge in there and take him."

" I'll fight them if I fucking have to, I"m not leaving Josh there" Tyler now sounded angry and upset. " I have to go see him, war or not. I don't care how dangerous it is, I"m going"

With that Tyler spun on his heels and ran to his room upstairs. His mom and dad followed him right away, afraid of what their son might do. When they entered Tyler's bedroom they found a bag on the bed which Tyler was stuffing with clothes from his closet.

"Tyler, sweetheart" his mom started, tears still rolling down her cheeks." Please don't do anything too rushed. I'm begging you, stop and think about this. Think about what you're risking" she desperately pleaded Tyler

"I have nothing to lose, mum" he barely spoke trough gritted teeth, trying his hardest not to break into tiny little pieces right there, in the middle of his bedroom. " I have to go, I have to. It's my fault all of this happened, it's my fault and I need to make it right. I need to make this right ! - he almost screamed the last sentence , grabbing his hair and pulling at it with all he had.

His mother was on him in a minute, pulling his hands from his hair, kissing his forehead and caressing his back slowly. She new how difficult this must be for Tyler. Knowing that Josh is somewhere out there, probably hurting and alone, but he couldn't be by his side. Her heart hurt for both Tyler and Josh, this whole situation being so unfair. She gently cradled Tyler's face in her hands, forcing him to look at her

" You need to be strong right now my boy. You need to be strong for Josh, you need to be alive in order to help him. Going there and getting yourself hurt or killed won't help him ok ? " She kissed his forehead " He needs you. Me and your father need you. Please, please don't do this. Let us help, ok ? Mark will help too, he's already talking with the American ambassador in Syria, looking for ways to get Josh out of the danger zone. We need to be patient and we need to be strong, for him. He needs us. He needs you" and with that Tyler completely lost any self control and sobbed into his mother's chest. She was rubbing his back, kissing the top of his head and soothed gently words in his ear. His dad hugged both of them, tears quietly rolling down his cheeks.

After a while, when Tyler calmed down enough to be able to talk he called Mark

" Mark ?" Tyler's voice was thick with tears " Please tell me everything you know. Tell me something more, I need to know more" Tyler was trying to keep his voice steady, he didnt want to break down again.

" Ty, I can't tell you much, but the most important thing right now is that Josh is alive and he is not held by the terrorists anymore. Our ambassador in Syria mr. Javaal told me that the town that's near the field hospital is in the rebel's hands and there are constant fights between the Syrian army and the terrorists, which means its too dangerous for us to be there right now .. " Tylers was about to protest and start a fight when Mark quickly added " which doesn't mean that we ' ll sit around doing nothing, Ty. I've already booked us flights to Syria. We leave tomorrow and we'll stay at a safe place until the fights seize and our troops there can organize a rescue operation. We'll be as close as our own safety allows it and when the moment comes for Josh to be taken out of the danger zone we'll be right there. This is the best we can do right now, Ty. We have to be patient, ok ? Ty ? - Tyler was quiet on the other side of the line, suddenly feeling unbearably exhausted. A part of the excitement he felt when he heard the news that Josh was alive and safe evaporated and was replaced by worry and anxiety.

Josh wasn't exactly safe yet, wasn't really free. He was still trapped inside the world of violence and death. And Tyler had to stay there and do nothing. He hated it so much he'd rather fight the goddamn terrorists with his bare hands and die trying rather than waiting there doing nothing. But Mark did have a point. Tyler wanted to be alive long enough to see Josh again and give him a hug.

 

"Yeah, Im here." Tyler finally said with scratchy voice" Mark, tell me, please how is he ? Do you know anything ? Is he hurt ? Please be honest with me" the sentence ended with a sob

" I don't know much Ty, I swear. The communication around Samnu is completely cut off. There's no signal , no INTERNET or anything. We are completely dependent on information passed from one person to another" Mark paused after that and added " mr. Javaal told me that one of the troops who attacked the terror camp managed to contact the local authorities and his report said that that among all rescued captives there was a young male in his late twenties found unconscious, restrained and in a very bad physical state" Mark cleared his throat in attempt to stop the tears from flowing out. His voice cracked on "state" and he had to take a deep breath to stop himself from choking. "God Tyler, I'm so scared of what we might see when we finally get him out of there. I cant imagine.... I cant.." than Mark broke down and started crying, Tyler following suite.

Hundred images flooded Tyler's mind of Josh being hurt, tortured, starved, all of those unimaginable things happening to his best friend for months on end. Unconscious, restrained .... Those words rang in Tylers's head.

" Mark we need to get him out of there. We need to take care of him. We need to save him"

" We will Ty. I promise you we'll bring him back home no matter what. " with that their conversation ended. Tyler lied back on the bed feeling drained of energy from the windwheel of emotions and lack of sleep. His mom draped a duvet over him , kissing his forehead and petting his head slowly.

" Get some sleep, sweetheart. Have some rest. We'll figure everything out in the morning. Everything will be okay, love, just have a little faith" with that she kissed him again, turned off the lights and left the room, his dad following suite.

Tyler was too exhausted to fight his desire to sleep. With so much happening tonight his brain was reeling with thoughts and flashing images. Hugging Josh. Telling him how much he missed him and how his life was hollow and colorless without Josh in it. Images kept flashing in his mind until finally sleep took him and for the first time in almost a year Tyler fell asleep with hope and a smile dancing on his face.


	5. Healing wounds hurt even more

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh is in the field hospital and things don't go very well for him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, this chapter came out a bit longer than intended but there's a lot of things I want to add without dragging stuff too much. I hope you enjoy this chapter and wait for Tyler and Josh's reunion in the next few chapters. Until then ANGST ANGST ANGST hehe

  
Josh was lying curled up in his hospital bed, still too weak and broken to get up or move around. His eyes were slowly adjusting to the light after spending months in darkness and now he could see a lot better, only the details still too blurry to make out. His head was also clearing which brought painful memories and terrifying nightmares as well. He couldn't sleep, not without waking up choking on himself, gasping and trying to take a breath. He couldn't scream, his throat far too damaged and vocal cords way too abused to make a proper sound. His hazy mind was just as tortured as his body, flooding him with the traumatizing images from the past 8 months, not giving him any chance to relax. He barely remembered anything before he was taken by the terrorists where fear and pain was everything he knew. Sometimes he couldn't even remember his own name or his surname. It's like he didn't have a past and his life before is all blurred and unfocused. 

Josh remembered people, crowds of people. Lights. An ocean of faces, directed toward him. He pushed himself toward the memory, tried to remember why he was there who were these people, but his head hurt even more from the strain. He buried his head in his hands and quietly groaned. Someone entered his "room" which made Josh snap his head up and retreat back against the wall. A natural reaction he couldn't help, since he constantly felt threatened. When he saw it was dr. Morgan though he relaxed a little. She was the first person in so long, who treated him like he wasn't the dirtiest scum on earth, talking to him with a gentle tone and a soft smile. She never touched him, never hurt him or threatened him in any way. So Josh felt kind of safe around her and didn't flinch so much when she moved around or came closer. This time she was carrying a pile of bandages, a couple of small bottles, a syringe and a small tube that looked like cream

" Hey Josh" She greeted him with a smile

Josh relaxed against the bed, no longer pushing his back against the wall. He looked at her, but didn't maintain eye contact. His gaze was fixed on the ground where she shifted from foot to foot.

" Can I come closer ? We finally received some medical aid and now I can treat some of your injuries. It's been a long time since we had any of these around here " she pointed toward the supplies in her hands. " I promise you will feel better after I treat you. I know you're scared, but I won't hurt you. It you feel uncomfortable you can always tell me to stop" - she made another step toward his bed and he didn't flinch back, so she took that as an encouragement to come closer. Josh was still looking at the ground, eyes darting from the floor to the supplies in the doctor's arms, anxiety bubbling in his chest. She slowly reached Josh's bed and left the supplies on the table near his bed.

"Can I touch your hand to check your pulse ? I promise you're safe now. We can always stop" She slowly reached out to Josh and hovered right above his hand. When Josh didn't backtrack she gently touched his wrist, keeping her touch feather light. When she circled his wrists with her fingers she did feel his muscles straining, as if he was keeping himself from pulling his hand away. " It's ok see ? I'm not here to harm you, I just want to make sure you're alright." Dr. Morgan rolled her sleeve slightly, trying to apply as little pressure as she could. The fist thing she noticed were the raw wounds on his wrists, from being restrained she thought to herself. They looked infected and painful as well as deep and ragged on the edges. Her experience told her that those wounds were probably re-opened many times, not giving them any time to heal or recover. She swallowed and continued rolling his sleeve , but what she saw made her gasp and stop her actions. Her stomach was twisting at the sight in front of her - the skin on his right arm looked like someone tried to peal his skin off, mostly raw and red with a few hints of blue and orange color here and there, where the skin was still attached to the meat. A tattoo she realized with horror. He must've had a tattoo before they peeled it off along with his skin. 

Josh was lying very still although the sleeve pulling was irritating his wounds and made him shudder. Dr. Morgan's face looked contracted with worry and almost disgust. But she didn't do anything else than pull his sleeve up and examine the wounds further so he just lied as still as possible and stared at the cieling. 

"Josh" she drew his attention toward her " I will need to remove your shirt. I need to treat these wounds because they are infected and that's very dangerous , do you understand ? Your're burning up with fever and it must be very painful for you. " She gently patted his knuckles , the only place that seemed to be not painful for Josh to be touched. " I have some painkillers here. There isn't much, since the aid wasn't enough to cover all the patient's needs, but I've got some for you here. To take the edge off for a bit. I will give you some afterwards, but first we need to take care of the worst wounds. Would you let me do that ? " Josh looked up at her and nodded. There was no point in resisting, he's learned as much. Resistance only brings more pain, which he's not so sure he can handle any more right now. 

"Okay, good. It's going to be okay. Just tell me if it gets too much so we can stop" 

The whole process was slow and proved to be a lot more difficult than dr. Morgan initially thought. She knew that Josh was in a pretty bad physical state, but she never expected it to be that bad. Maybe because the man was lying quietly on his bed, without a complaint or any noise. While struggling to take the sleeves off from Josh's hands she came to the conclusion that they are either broken or dislocated at the shoulders. Lifting them up was causing him too much pain so she gave up on trying to take the shirt off that way. She decided that cutting trough the fabric will be way easier and less painful for Josh so she left him for a minute and came back with a pair of scissors. Josh reacted immediately, backing away from her, closing his eyes as if to brace himself for something bad."Bad memories" she told herself and hurried to soothe Josh " Hey, don't worry. I'm only going to cut your shirt off, so I can treat your wounds. Plus it must be hurting you having anything on right now. Just hold still and it will be done in a minute." Josh stayed with his eyes tightly shut, not moving an inch. 

When dr Morgan finished cutting trough the fabric she started slowly and careful removing it, afraid she'll peel some of the skin along with the layer of clothing. Josh was breathing heavily by the time she was done and had tears in his eyes, burning his vision. The pain was overwhelming, opening some wounds that managed to close a but in time, but he didn't make a sound. Only when the pain got too much he lifted his hand and touched dr. Morgan's arm, his head thrown slightly back and panting heavily. She obviously got the message and stopped immediately

" I'm so sorry Josh, I know this hurts. I don't want to hurt you, but we have to do this. Just last a little bit longer, we're almost done. Than you can rest before I start treating your wounds. Okay ? " When Josh nodded without opening his eyes the doctor continued peeling his shirt from his chest, revealing a disturbing and painful sigh

" Oh sweetheart" the doctor exclaimed, putting her hand over her mouth. Josh's chest and stomach were littered with older scars and freshly looking wounds. Skin and bones, he looked like he hasn't had a proper meal for months. His skin was a mess of cuts, bruises and burning marks. All of them varying from being months old to others literally days old. The sheets under Josh were soaked in blood, which meant that his back wasn't doing any better. She was holding back tears, even after all the months spent in this field hospital having to treat soldiers and bombing victims it still got to her. All the wounds and scars painting a horrific picture of long and relentless abuse. She scanned his chest and arms, his neck which was bruised similar to his wrists and than her gaze stopped at his eyes. For the first time Josh looked the doctor in the eyes and she was struck with how kind those mocha eyes looked. There was pain in there, yes, but there was also gratitude and kindness she hasn't yet seen in anyone she has treated here. " You poor thing " She said quietly " How could anyone do this to you ? To any human being ? " Josh kept her gaze for a couple more seconds and closed his eyes. This was more exhausting than he thought it would be. And the pity in doctor's eyes was making him want to hide under the covers. He hasn't really seen himself for a very long time and he had no clue how bad he must look right now. Hell he didn't really remember how he looked and he probably changed a lot since the last time he saw his face in the mirror. " I'll never be the same " Josh told himself with a heavy heart " No one will ever want to look at me again and if they do all they will feel is pity." Josh was so lost in himself he almost forgot that he wasn't alone, so when Dr Morgan spoke he jolted a little and opened his eyes to look at her

" Josh I will start treating your wounds now. I'll be as careful as I can, I promise. But this will hurt, so I need you to tell me when it gets too much. Okay ? " He looked at her for a bit and nodded. " Good thing I can't scream he thought to himself" and closed his eyes again, bracing himself.

" Please try and stay as still as possible okay ? I will start with your front and than I will have to roll you on your stomach so i can treat your back too. Your wounds are infected so this is very important. Try to focus on something else while I put the disinfectant on your wounds. It's going to burn and sting a lot, but it will stop the wounds from infecting any further and will help you heal faster. 

Josh nodded weakly, all of his energy drained. "Try to focus on something" the doctor has said. Josh reached deep inside his brain, where the memories of his life before it became utter hell were stored. When he used to have friends and family and purpose in life. When he was treated like a person and felt important. When he had Tyler. He felt as if his heart was being squeezed tightly. He missed his friend so much he could hardly stand it. No matter how clouded with pain his brain was the picture of Tyler smiling with his crooked teeth was permanently burned into Josh's memory. He needed to stay strong for him. He needed to see Tyler again, hug him one more time, tell him how sorry he is for this mess. Josh needed Tyler now more than ever, but his best friend wasn't there with him. He probably didn't even know that Josh was alive. And honestly Josh wasn't sure he wanted Tyler to see him like this. He didn't want anyone to see him right now. It was too much, all of it. The pity in dr. Morgan's eyes. The disgust. She almost looked scared of him when she came into his room. And she didn't even know him. His head was spinning again, making him feel dizzy. The only thing grounding him was the sharp pain, the burning and stinging and hurting. He could focus on that. 

The procedure went on for what felt like hours. Dr. Morgan tried to be as gentle as possible and moved slowly, giving Josh time to catch his breath when it became too much. The bandages she put on him got quickly painted in red, so she changed them again on the worst of the wounds. She got called a couple of times and had to leave the room in order to attend other patients but than she came back and started all over again. By the end of it Josh was groaning and panting and they were both exhausted. Dr Morgan sat down next to Josh on his bed, her left hand caressing his face and wiping his tears. He has been trough so much and her heart truly hurt for him. He hasn't spoken a word, but somehow she was convinced that he was a good person, undeserving of all of this pain. Maybe it was the pure kindness in his eyes, unchanged by all the torture he had to endure. His quiet kind eyes were reassuring her all throughout the procedure, even though it's the doctor who was supposed to reassure the suffering man. 

She kept caressing his cheek, in attempt to give him some comfort. Josh looked so young lying in the hospital bed, his face innocent and almost boyish. Deciding he's had enough stress for today she left him to sleep.

The next day they repeated the procedure, only this time she treated his lower half. That proved to be even more difficult because she had to remove his pants and underwear as well which sent Josh into a violent panic attack. He was so terrified he tried to scream and that caused his throat to bleed and hurt like hell. Managing to make a couple of desperate sounds he choked and gasped lost in some sort of nightmare behind his closed eyelids. Dr Morgan stopped touching him immediately and began talking to him with a quiet gentle voice, reassuring him that no one will hurt him anymore, that he was safe. He managed to calm down enough to stop screaming and trashing which took a while but in the end dr. Morgan managed to continue slowly treating his bruised and wounded legs, hips and pelvis. She carefully avoided his private areas, judging by his violent reaction earlier he has definitely been sexually abused, the doctor concluded. His hips still had healing finger-shaped bruises confirming her suspicions. 

Josh would feel embarrassed in different circumstances, if this was somewhat more normal situation. But right now all he could do was lay there and let the doctor touch him shuddering and shaking, silently praying it will end soon. When he was turned around and flipped on his stomach so the doctor could treat his ass and lower back Josh bit into his pillow for distraction, the fear and embarrassment too much to handle. 

The ordeal left Josh feeling utterly helpless and shaken up. But dr Morgan was right, after he got his wounds cleaned and bandaged he did feel a lot better. The pills helped his fever a bit and the painkillers were complete bliss. The pain was still there, but it wasnt as sharp and demanding like before. Dr.Morgan would stay by Josh's side almost at all times, only leaving him when there were patients to be treated. He learned a lot about her, since she talked to him whenever he was awake and alert enough to listen. Her first name was Leticia and she was 35 years old. Generally very calm and good person with big heart and very skillful in what she's doing. Leticia has spent the last year and a half in Syria, moving between different field hospitals, helping wherever a doctor was needed. She often told Josh that he was the bravest person she has ever met, but he definitely disagreed. Her work was incredibly dangerous and not well payed, but here she was fixing people that nobody else would. She would read Josh books for hours, until he fell asleep, bringing him painkillers whenever she managed to stash some. At first Josh would accept them, still crippled by pain , but he soon realized that whenever he got a pill someone else who needed it wouldnt. So he just shook his head at dr Morgan, eyes darting toward the tent next to him where someone was moaning in pain. Leticia quickly realized why he denied the pills and started admiring him even more. That's when she made it her mission to help the fragile big hearted human go home and have his life back. 

She knew that Josh was some sort of celebrity status person and his disappearance made it into the news big time, but she wasn' t familiar with who he actually was and why he was famous. But she was convinced the news that he was rescued has spread quickly and that his family was looking for him right now and she felt like she needed to help them find him. As Leticia watched Josh suffer every day ,her determination to help him grew. She needed to do something, to reach out to his family, but with all the communication cut she could't do much. There were other ways though, but she needed to get out of the hospital and reach the nearest town. It would be dangerous, but she was convinced it was worth it.

Dr Morgan entered Josh's room quietly and caught him flinching at the movement. It was late in the evening, but she knew that Josh wasn't sleeping. He's had a rough day, his bandages being changed which opened some wounds and irritated others. Also his broken fingers were slowly healing , the process agonizing and slow. Having all of this to bear Josh still refused the offered extra painkillers. Dr Morgan smiled at the man and neared his bed. She could see the the sweat on his face and the strain there. Still the corners of his mouth still twitched up slightly. She caressed his knuckles , a gesture of comfort and reassurance. 

" Hey. I've been thinking of a way to help you out. You know you cant stay here forever. You are very badly injured and need a real hospital where you can be treated properly. You wont last long here " she paused and sighted " So I was thinking of a way to help your people find you, because Im sure they are looking for you and I think I figured it out. So I'll have to leave for a bit, but I promise I'll come back as soon as I can okay? " Josh looked worried, but Leticia didn't miss the excitement and hope flashing in his eyes. He nodded and mouthed "thank you". She smiled ride and happy, than stepped closer and kissed his forehead. "I'll be back as soon as I can Josh, just hold on".

Hope flickered in his heart and for the first time in long months Josh fell asleep with new found home and thoughts of crooked smiles and fluffy hair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys i hope this isn't goint too slow, things will pick up soon enough. I'm just trying to stay true to the story and make it realistic.
> 
> Your comments honestly make my day, thank you so much for taking the time :)))


	6. Is there a way for me to grow ?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter we get a glimpse of what Josh has been trough back in the terror camp
> 
> *Trigger warnings for graphic description of violence, torure and rape. Read with caution*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heeey guys. First of all sorry for not updating this weekend. Blame it on the lack of internet :) but now I'm back with a long chapter as an apology :) 
> 
> MASSIVE trigger warning for this chapter. If you get triggered by anything in the tags, please skip this chapter. Otherwise - enjoy

_Josh was freezing, lying curled up on the unforgiving concrete floor. His cell was absolutely empty and not big enough for Josh to get up and make a few steps. The feeling of claustrophobia and suffocation was overwhelming, combined with the darkness and the cold was enough to drive him insane. He’d spent over a month in this tiny prison and still didn’t know why he was there or what his captors wanted with him. He was given food once in a few days, but it was so disgusting it could hardly pass for one. He was constantly thirsty, because the water was being given to him along with the food, every two or three days which was not nearly enough. To make it even worse, the guards who brought him water made him beg for it and if he refused they spilled it in in front of his cell, laughing at his pathetic attempts to reach it and left him alone._

_Josh couldn’t stand the begging. He hated it even more than the constant physical abuse, but his captors relished in it. He told himself from the beginning that he wouldn’t beg them or ask them for anything, because that will make him seem weak and more importantly feel weak. He was stubborn and determined so every time he was tempted to beg them to stop hurting him or let him go home he would clench his teeth, squeeze his eyes and think of something else and block reality. It worked it the begging, when his spirit was still strong and the hope that he’ll get out of there alive. But as time went by Josh found it harder and harder to hold on to that hope. And being honest with himself he hasn’t heard many stories of people captured by terrorists that ended with them being set free._

_A sound of boots hitting the ground drew Josh to reality. He tried to scoot further away from the cell door and into the wall behind him. They were going to torture him again and he couldn't do anything about it, the helplessness of the situation bringing tears to his eyes. "No, I'm not going to cry in front of them " Josh thought to himself and squeezed his eyes shut. He balled his fists tightly, trying to stop himself from shaking. He heard the footsteps stopping to a halt in front of the cell and the loud clank of metal hitting metal jolted him up and forced his eyes open._

_Three men entered his cell and one of them immediately started kicking the lying man on the ground. Josh was trying to cover himself from the brutal blows, but he didn’t stand a chance. He could feel blood dripping out of his nose and mouth, pain splitting his ribs. A hand grabbed his hair and yanked hard until Josh was on his knees. His hands were being twisted behind his back painfully, a click of a lock telling him he's being handcuffed. He was panting hard, trying to catch his breath but he wasn’t given the chance. Something cold and metal was being locked around his throat, the weight of it almost chocking him. He tried to ask why, why were they doing this to him, but only a wheezing sound escaped his lungs, followed by a coughing fit. The metal collar around his neck was attached to a chain and he was now being dragged out of his cell and into the corridor._

_Josh's legs were weak and cramping painfully from disuse, making walking almost impossible. No one stopped to give him time to adjust to the now very unfamiliar standing position as he was dragged down the dark narrow corridor which looked more like a dungeon. Josh has never seen the place he was being held at before._

_When he was first brought here he was blindfolded the entire time. They never let him out of his cell and the tiny concrete box was the only thing he knew. It has always been a puzzle for him why it was so cold in his cell when the temperatures in Syria were very high most of the time. Now while being lead trough the dungeon he realized it must be located underground. That would explain the lack of windows, the constant freezing cold and the moist. The next moment Josh was being dragged up a fly of stairs, the chain around his neck stopping his air supply and effectively chocking him. It was difficult keeping his balance with his weak and still cramping legs and his hands tied behind his back. By the time they made it to the top of the stairs and outside of the underground dungeon Josh had his knees scraped and bloody from falling all the time, as well as his elbows and shins._

_The sun hit his eyes like a ton of bullets, so he squinted against it’s brightness. He hasn’t been outside in what seemed like forever. And what he saw made him stop at his tracks and gasp. It looked like a huge camp, surrounded by sand and desert. He could see huge buildings , reminding him of hangars , in every corner of the camp. Different courtyards held soldiers, engaged in different activities. Some of them were shooting targets, others were practicing fighting one on one and another group of them were down on their knees praying. Josh has heard of these camps from people he worked with in Syria. Terror camps. This is where Islamic terrorist groups would recruit their soldiers, teaching them how to fight, kill and destroy their enemies. This is where they were brainwashed in believing that they are sent on Earth by Allah himself to fight the heathens , to convert them to one of them or kill them if they refused. There were kids there too, which sent a new chill down Josh’s spine. Kids holding weapons. Screaming verses from the Koran. They all looked terrified, some of them cried. That brought fresh tears to his eyes_

_. Josh was dragged to the center of something that looked like a square with a metal pole in the middle of it. People were gathering there, obviously expecting him to be chained to the pole for God knows what twisted reasons. The end of his chain was secured to the pole and he was forced down to his knees by a harsh hit to the shins. Josh kept the grunt of pain locked behind his teeth. He wasn’t going to give them the satisfaction of seeing him weak, not yet. His anxiety grew more and more, along with the crowd of people gathering around him until the noise was drowning him. Some people were grabbing his hair and pulling it harsh. Others were slapping him or hitting him in the face, screaming in language he barely understood. He wasn’t going to cry in front of everyone. He wasn’t. He didn’t want to let them see how scared he was, how terrifying the whole situation was. But the tears were gathering behind his shut eyelids, threatening to betray him._

_Silent fell upon the crowd as a male voice spoke His voice sounded familiar to Josh which made his eyes snap open. Right in front of him was standing a man, with dark skin, thin figure and a long black beard. The pure evil in the man’s eyes as well as the threatening note in his voice sent chills down his spine. The man, Josh realized was Qasm al-Rami – leader of a terrorist group called “Khalid ibn al-Walid Army” . Josh has seen this man on the news, and he heard stories for the horrors him and his followers has inflicted upon Kurds and other innocent people. One of the biggest massacres in history of South Syria was this man’s job. Josh was so scrued and he knew it. His knees were shaking, throat dry and tears ready to spill any moment. Al-Rami spoke :_

_“Allah Akbar” The crowd roared “ALLAH AKBAR” in unison and went silent again, waiting for their leader to speak. Josh has learned some Arabian during the month long humanitarian mission in Syria so he understood most of it._

_“Dear brothers. Today we will bring punishment upon non-believers who refuse to accept Allah in their hearts. Their sins will be cruelly punished and everyone who participates in the punishments will be loved by Allah. The great Mohammed has said : “Fight in the way of Allah with those who fight with you. And kill them wherever you find them, and drive them out from whence they drove you out, and persecution is severer than slaughter, and do not fight with them at the Sacred Mosque until they fight with you in it, but if they do fight you, then slay them; such is the recompense of the unbelievers”_

_He went on for a while, reeling the crowd up until they barely contained their desire to tear Josh apart. Everyone seemed to believe that if they participate in Josh’s “punishment” they will be loved by their God and their sins will be forgiven. Josh had nowhere to hide or run, he had no way to protect himself or stop them from hurting him. He just kneeled there, praying to whatever God that was listening to help him survive this. He didn’t see a way out, didn’t think that there was hope for him anymore. He was probably going to get killed by the angry crowd and his body would be thrown to the dogs to feast. A harsh yank on his leash brought Josh back to reality._

_“Because Allah is kind and merciful and forgiving , I will offer you a chance to escape punishment and redeem your sins. – al- Rami told him with the same evil gleam in his eyes. “Accept Allah in your heart and swear to serve him as the holy Quran is requiring of us to do. Accept Islam as your true and only religion and become our brother. This is your only chance to escape the wrath of Allah and the revenge that’s upon you.”_

_The leader was looking at Josh with such arrogance that made Josh want to spit at him right in the face. Who the hell did he think he was ? A messenger from heaven ? From God himself ? Who gave him the right to decide people’s destiny ?_

_“No way”, Josh told himself. “I’m not agreeing to this, I better die as a free man with a free will rather than live like this”. Josh opened his eyes and looked at al- Rami. For a second he thought about agreeing to it and just make this nightmare stop. But the next moment he saw his parents, who were both very religious, raising him to believe in God and respect religion. How proud they were of being Christian. How much Tyler believed in God? Even though Tyler doubted Him sometimes, Josh knew that he really truly believed. What would they think if they knew that Josh has turned his back on his religion and accepted something that spread violence and death ? Would they ever look him in the eyes again, will he ever be able to look at himself in the mirror? The answer of course was no. Accepting Islam right now would mean giving up. Josh wasn’t ready to give up yet._

_“No” – Josh said and he barely heard it himself. But he said it and there was no turning back now._

_“WHAT?” – Al-Rami barked and yanked Josh’s chain so hard his chest collided with the pole and caused him to whimper. “Do you refuse to accept Allah in your sinful heart and become a true believer? Do you want to suffer? Answer me!” the angry man demanded._

_“I am a Christian. I was born as one and raised as one. This is who I am. You can torture me all you want, but you can’t change who I am” Josh spoke with a steady voice, surprised at how firm and confident his words sounded, despite the sheer panic he was feeling right now. That was it, he just signed his death sentence, Josh thought to himself. “At least I won’t die like a coward „ he thought before the crowd exploded into shouts and screams._

_Al Rami looked furious , but Josh caught a hint of surprise there, like he didn’t expect the kneeling man to put on a fight. The leader raised his hand in a gesture that meant silence. Everyone stopped talking and turned towards him, most of them looking inpatient and rushing, like they all couldn’t wait to get their hands on Josh. That made him shiver, for the 100th time that day_

_“ I will now choose 10 of you, who deserve this chance to serve Allah by punishing this dirty unbelieving scum. Remember, my brothers – this dog” he pointed at shaking Josh on the ground” has refused to let Allah in his heart. He is the biggest sinner of all sinners and must be cruelly punished._

_With that his chain was unattached from the pole and the next moment he was being lead back underground and into the dungeon. This time the guards were even more rough that last time , obviously angered by his refusal to submit. A group of people, probably the “chosen ones” by Al-Rami were following them soon after. Josh’s head was reeling with images of this so called punishment and what it could be. What would require 10 people ? Are they going to whip him ? Beat him to death ? Or worse ? By the time Josh was forced into a cell he was shaking so hard the chain was making clanking noises._

_This cell was different than his, Josh noticed. It was bigger and had a pair of chins hanging from the wall. He felt someone behind him unlock his hands and he instantly tried to fight, lunching forward and falling on the ground along with the guard in front of him._

_“You fucking piece of trash” A guard was screaming at him, as he dragged him to the ground and kicked him in his stomach with full force. Josh heaved and choked, the wind completely gone from his lungs, leaving only burning sensation. Another kick to his kidneys and Josh was screaming in pain, curling on himself in a desperate attempt to defend his body from the beating. Another kick to his ribs and the cracking sound of bones crushing was enough to make Josh stop his attempts to fight. He was trying to catch his breath, but the burning in his chest was relentless. Someone grabbed his hands and chained them in front of his face to the set of handcuffs hanging from the wall. All ten chosen soldiers were now behind him as he was kneeling facing the wall._

_"Mohamed, my brother you go first. I now bless you with the hand of Allah to execute the punishment upon this unbelieving filthy animal" with these words from Al-Rami someone has stepped behind him and yanked his pants and underwear down. This has triggered a new surge of adrenaline fueled fight in Josh who tried to get away from Mohamed's grip by kicking back and pushing himself against the wall. As much as he struggled he didnt stand a chance against his metal bounds, locking him in place._

_Panic was gripping Josh's heart, the helplesness once again threathening to ruin his resolve to stay strong and not beg. His hips were being dragged back and his face pushed to the dirty ground. Something was pushing against his entrance and the sheer fear of what's about to come making him push his body forward. But as his hips were being pulled back the man behind him managed to thrust inside, tearing him apart and making him scream so loud it hurt his throat. The pain was so bad tears were running down his cheeks within seconds. One hand was keeping him in place on his hip and the other one was buried in his hair, yanking hard. The pain was everywhere- his entire lower half felt on fire. His ribs were screaming with every vicious thrust and his knees were scraping painfully on the hard floor. It was unbearable._

_The drummer's mind was trying to shut down to lessen the damage, but the agony was keeping him aware enough to feel every stab of pain. It's only the first one of ten Josh thought to himself miserably. Soon he felt something warm tickle down his thighs, but the man hasnt come yet, so it must be blood. The man was rough, as if trying to make it as painful as possible for Josh who could feel himself rip and tear. As the time went by his ass and thights became a mess of blood, come and sweat that ran down all the way to the floor making it slippery. It all felt so dirty and humiliating Josh honestly wanted to die._

_Every time one of the soldiers was done and it was the next one's turn Al-Rami was blessing him and telling him how Allah will love him for punishing a disbeliever. As if to remind Josh of the choice he's made, to not submit and suffer the consequences._

_Squeezing his eyes he willed himself to go back home, where Tyler was laughing at something stupid Josh must've said. He looked so happy, smiling with both his eyes and mouth, revealing the cute crooked teeth Josh loved so much. He willed himself to think of his best friend and all of the ways he made him happy. All of the happy memories the've created together and had yet to create. They've worked so hard and come so far. No matter how much they punished him no one could take away that._

_Josh stayed concious for almost 5 hours, drifting in and out, but the pain always there to drag him back to reality. When the 10th man tried to push inside him, Josh found one last bit of strength to struggle away from his grip and was rewarded with the hand in his hair yanking his head back and smacking his face straight into the wall. Than finally everything went dark_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok that was quite heavy. I'll say it again - this story is inspired by real events. So writing about this stuff keeping in mind someone actually went trough that is quite difficult. I hope it wasn' t badly writen, I spent a lot of time writing it.
> 
> Please keep commenting to let me know if you like how this story is going. Honestly all of your comments is what I live for :))


	7. Planning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler gets an important call that might help him get Josh out of the battle zone and back to safety

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. I hope I didn't leave you waiting for too long.   
> This chapter is in Tyler's P.O.V and the next one will be in Josh's.   
> I hope you enjoy this chapter :) please let me know what you think in the comments

Tyler has always considered himself a patient person. He wasn't  one to rush into things or jump head first into a situation. He was good at thinking and making strategies. He had patience. But not right now.

Right now he was a live wire, ready to snap at any given moment. The plan about moving to Syria and wait for the right moment to get Josh out of the dangerous situation he was currently in sounded good at the time. But in reality it was almost impossible for Tyler to sit around and wait for something to happen while his friend was suffering all alone and was only a couple hundred miles away. It felt almost impossible for him not to get into a car and drive straight to that camp, war or not. But of course he coupdn't do it, Josh needed him right now and getting himself killed will definitely  not going to help his friend. So the singer went back and worth between thinking of a plan to get Josh to safety and stealing a car and go get him himself.

When Tyler and Mark first arrived in Syria they were both struck with how different it felt being there opposed to the States. It was not only humid and hot, the climat a complete opposite of Tyler's home state of Ohio. He could literally feel the war everywhere he went. The constant threat of a spark that will light a conflict felt like a bomb, ready to go off any moment. And people were afraid. He could see the unspoken fear in their eyes. They could lose their homes, their families at any given moment. And the destroyed buildings that littered the city were a haunting and scary proof of that danger.

And they wern't even in the dangerous part of the cuntry. Tyler wondered what it was like to live in the war zone, how scary that must be. How scary it must've been for Josh when he arrived here, alone and as unprepared for the horrors as Tyler felt right now. It struck him how brave his best friend was. He must've been terrified  in the beginning, but he didnt go back, he stayed and helped for over a month before he got caught  by the terrorists. Tyler would probably never last a week here alone, the unfamiliarity and hostility of the place scaring him to death.

But Josh stayed and he helped. And he did it with the same passion and drive he had done all the things he loved , like drumming and writing music. Tyler made himself a promise that when they get back to the States and out of this mess he would tell Josh how brave and amazing he is, he would remind him that every single day.

Since Tyler met the American Embassador in Syria they've talked on the phone more than he talked to his own family. Mr Javaal was reassuring him that they are doing everything they can to find a way to get Josh out to safety, but it wasn't enough for Tyler. He needed to see something happening, he needed to know that something was being done. The helplesness was giving him nightmares and driving him mad. He watched the news every day, waiting to finally hear something hopeful, but it wasn’t happening. The battles for Samnu, the town that Josh worked at were never ending and the entire area was a battlefield. So Tyler would find himself feeling discouraged and defeated only to remember how Josh must feel and it’s probably a thousand times worse for his friend so he would pick himself up and keep waiting for good news.

The good news came with a phone call, early morning on the third day of Tyler’s stay in Syria.  He was sleeping restlessly on his made bed, not really bothering to remove the blankets or crawl underneath them. The phone startled him and he jumped to the bedside table to pick it up.

“Hello ?” He sounded groggy from sleep. Or the lack of it

“Hello. Is this mr. Joseph?  Tyler Joseph ?” a man’s voice came from the other side of the line.

“Yes,  who is this ? “ Tyler’s hand was shaking, as well as his voice. Why would someone call so early in the morning if it wasn’t important ?

“My name is Richard Engel and I am a war correspondent in Syria. I know why you are here and I think I can help you. But this conversation is not to be held on the phone, mr. Joseph. We need to meet. As soon as possible.”

Tyler was a bit taken aback by how direct the man was, but as soon as he found his bearings the questions tumbled out of his mouth

“Wait, how do you know why I’m here ? Do you know anything about Josh ? Have you seen him ? Is he okay ? – he was panicking and this wasn’t a good time to panic. Tyler took a deep breath in attempt to calm himself. If this man could really help them he needed to be as present as possible.

“Like I said mr. Joseph this conversation should not be held on the phone, it is not safe.  And yes, I think I might be able to get your friend safe from the situation he is in, but we need to meet and talk this trough”

“When can we meet ? Can we do it today ? – Tyler was quick to ask. He didn’t care that he sounded too rushed. If this guys could help  Josh they needed to act now.

“Yes, I will send you the details via message, but I have to warn you mr. Joseph…..”

“Tyler” the singer interrupted, not feeling comfortable with the other man calling him by his last name

“.. Tyler. You might think that nobody knows you’re here, but that is not true. You are being watched and listened to. I’m not trying to scare you, don’t take it that way. But please be extra careful. Don’t talk to local people about your plans and don’t talk about it in front of them. People know why you are here and a lot of them don’t approve of it. You are a stranger here mr.Jo …. Tyler.” – the man was speaking in a calm tone, but Tyler could hear the warning tone underneath. It must be serious, he thought to himself.

“ Yes, mr. Engel , I understand. I will do anything and everything to help Josh. I will wait for your message. And .. thank you.

“ Of course, Tyler. You will thank me when we have Josh safe and sound at home. Take care for now.” With that Richard hung up and Tyler was left with his cell in his hand,  bewildered by the sudden turn of events, but thrilled to finally have something they could do. He couldn’t wait any longer. He needed to get Josh back home

 

**********************

 

Two hours later, Tyler found himself sitting at a bench in the local park. The weather was rather hot and the sun was beating on him with no mercy. Even the trees of the park couldn’t provide much shelter from the scorching heat. Tyler was nervous, thinking about what Richard said to him during their short conversation about being watched and listened to. He actually never considered that in his mind. That coming here was dangerous, even though they stayed away from the battle zones.  He didn’t want to put Mark in danger or his family. But staying in the States waiting for a miracle to happen wasn’t an option, Tyler knew that. So he was willing to take all the risks necessary to get Josh out of the hell he was currently stuck in.

Someone sat next to him on the bench and Tyler jumped

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you” The man smiled at Tyler and offered him his hand, which the other man took. “ I’m Richard Engel. Please call me Richard. We spoke on the phone earlier today. Thank you for meeting me, Tyler.

Tyler shook the man’s hand and quickly accessed him. He was in his mid-thirties, maybe closer to forty. With blond hair, big bright blue eyes and tanned skin. He had a kind smile on his face which made Tyler relax a little. After the short phone conversation he didn’t know what to expect but now that he saw Richard he definitely felt more at ease.  The man looked friendly and open. It was a good start.

“No, it’s ok. You didn’t scare me. I’m just a bit on edge right now. Because you know …. “ Tyler trailed off. He didn’t want to sound too emotional in front of the stranger or let alone cry.

“Yes, it’s completely understandable to be nervous, Tyler. What you’re going trough right now is horrible. And I’m really sorry you have to go through this nightmare. “ He put his hand on Tyler’s shoulder and gave him a reassuring look.” And I can say that it’s very brave of you to come here and try to help. This is a very dangerous place. A lot of bad things happen to people here and the fact that you are here and you are fighting means that you are a brave person and a loyal friend” Tyler just looked down and didn’t say anything. He still didn’t see how he was the brave one, when Josh was the one who survived 8 months in a terror camp. But right now was definitely not the time to argue so he stayed silent.

“ I assume you are wondering how I got in touch with you. Since we don’t have much time I will keep it short – a very good friend of mine – Leticia Morgan is a doctor in a field hospital. More specifically the one where Josh is being treated right now. She contacted me a few days ago and told me about Josh’s situation. She sounded really concerned about him and mentioned his very bad physical state as well as emotional “ and at that Tyler paled and let out a gasp. His hand flew to his mouth as if to stop the sounds from coming out, but it was too late. His eyes were watering, vision blurring.

“How bad is it ? What did she tell you ? “ Tyler couldn’t stop his voice from shaking, tears were coming he knew it.

“She wasn’t very specific, but she did tell me that Josh’s life will be in danger until he gets real treatment in a real hospital. As much as they helped him by treating his wounds he needs more professional help, since his injuries are serious.  I don’t want to scare you, but the faster we act the better chances your friend has to survive this.

Tyler swallowed. He wasn’t going to cry now, it wasn’t the time.  Josh was his highest priority right now, Tyler’s feelings could wait. So he took a deep breath and let all of his fears go

“ Okay, thank you for telling me this. And thank you for being here. I feel so fucking lost right now I have no clue what to do. I’m scared, but I’m also ready to do absolutely everything for Josh.”

“I know, this is exactly why I contacted you. When I asked Leti who should get in touch with she gave me your name without any hesitation.  I know you are willing to go far to help your friend and this is exactly what he needs right now. “ He smiled at Tyler again. “ I hope you still have some strength left, because this is going to be very difficult. Josh is right in the middle of the war on South and getting there is almost impossible without being caught right in the middle of the bullets fired. I’ve spent the last 20 years as a war correspondent in Syria and Afghanistan and that has earned me a name and a place on the battle field. And most importantly – friends. With that we can arrange a convoy of sort, to get to where Josh is and escort him out of the danger zone. It does sound simple , but don’t be fooled. A mission like this is very difficult to execute, especially considering the state Josh is right now. So we need to be very careful and smart about this. “

Tyler was nodding at everything Richard was saying. This was coming as a bit of a shock to him, everything happening so fast. He needed to call Mark and tell him about the plan.

“There’s one more thing. I know that you haven’t got the chance get in touch with Josh since there’s no service in the area. I might be able to help with that.”

Tyler’s heart jumped to his throat. Hearing Josh’s voice after so long sounded almost impossible, almost too good to be true. Something Tyler almost lost all hope he would hear again one day.

“God yes, please, please” He didn’t know why he was begging, but he couldn’t help it. He needed to know that Josh was okay, that he was really alive and well enough to speak.

“ But there is something you need to know first. Josh can’t speak. “ Tyler’s heart fell at the words. Can’t speak ? Did they do something to him ? Did they cut his tongue out ? Did they .... He must’ve gone pale because Roger put his hand of Tyler’s forearm in a comforting manner. “ You need to understand that your friend has changed a lot during these 8 months. He will probably look and sound differently to you when you finally reunite. And what he went through might affect him emotionally in a big way. Right now his disability to speak is mostly physical, but when his injuries heal he still might have difficulty speaking, as a result of the emotional trauma that the life in captivity inevitably brings along. “ Tyler was wiping his tears. Hearing Richard talk about Josh’s horrible experiences made it all 100 times more real and painful to accept.

“So what do we do ? If he can’t talk than how are we going to … “ – Tyler trailed off

“ You can still talk to him. Believe me, he wants to hear your voice just as much as you want to hear his. I can help you with that. And than we can get him out of there.” Richard looked determined. Almost as if it was his friend’s life was being on the line. Tyler didn’t know why the man wanted to help so much, but he was honestly so grateful he could never put it into words. “I’m leaving in a couple of hours. I’ll be in Samnu by morning, so I’ll call you when I get there. My phone uses satellite to connect so I don’t need to have signal coverage. Ill also tell you the details of our plan. But I need to get there first, to see how bad the situation is and to talk to the platoon commander. Just so you know, every American troop in Syria wants to help Josh out of the battle field and into safety. His story wasn’t left unheard. And as a person who has been around for a long I can tell you that Josh’s story is in fact extraordinary. Surviving is one thing, Tyler, but doing it the way he has done it, without losing his spirit and will to fight is a rare and admirable thing. I hope you know that” Richard smiled one last time, nodding at Tyler and getting up.

Tyler was still stunned when he got up from the bench to shake hands with Richard. The tall man was giving him a warm and reassuring look, nodding his head. They maintained eye contact for a moment and the next one Richard was gone.

Tyler had to sit down, his head was spinning and his mouth was dry. Was this really happening ? Was he going to see Josh in a matter of days ? Was it really possible ? Tears were burning his eyes again and he had to blink a few times to clear his vision. He just wanted to hug Josh. No matter how bad the situation was, Josh was alive and that was all that mattered. But he had to have a level of patience he wasn’t sure he could contain. Tyler wanted to sprint, to jump, to scream as loud as he could.  There were too many emotions battling inside of him, too much fear and doubt and hope, all fighting for dominance. Tyler sank back into the bench and took his phone out. He opened the picture gallery and the first one that came up was them leaning into each other and smiling at something on Josh’s phone. They didn’t know they were being photographed while fooling around and laughing about something stupid, just enjoying each other’s company. Tyler missed this closeness. He has never experienced it with anyone else before and now that it was gone he could feel it’s absence physically like an ache that never goes away.  He stared at the picture for a couple of minutes and couldn’t help but smile. Finally they were going to see each other again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading :) This story really means a lot to me and I'm so happy that you guys like it.  
> I appreciate all of the comments, they keep me going so thank you so much for taking the time :)  
> Next chapter will be in Josh's P.O.V and will probably contain another flashback, just heads up
> 
> I was thinking about making a tumblr. What do you guys think ? Would you come and say hi if I did ? I'd like to follow all of you as well :)


	8. Sometimes to stay alive you've got to kill your mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes off from where chapter 6 left off. Josh is alone and is haunted by memories and nightmares.  
> Trigger warning for panic attacks, brief, but graphic description of violence and pure angst.  
> I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, let me know what you think in the comments :)
> 
> oh and by the way I already have Tumblr, you can come and say hi :) i-m-a-goner-takeitslow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I'm sorry it took me so long, but I finally managed to upload this chapter. It's a bit over 3k words and it's mostly pure angst and pain so beware :)

Josh hasn’t been able to sleep since dr. Morgan left the field hospital.  Without her calming presence and reassuring words Josh felt scared and lonely.  He kept replying her words in his head, about helping Josh’s family find him, about helping him get out of this hell. But she was gone for what seemed like forever and fear was beginning to creep into Josh’s vulnerable mind. What if something happened to her while she was trying to help him ? What if she got hurt ? What if everything went wrong and now he had to spend the rest of his life here ? What if she was captured by the terrorists in her attempt to help Josh and now had to endure all the horrors he went through ? That made him want to vomit. No one deserved that, especially someone as kind as Dr Morgan. "God, please keep her safe, please" Josh silently prayed. She was the only person who treated him well and wanted to help him, his only hope.

 

 Without realizing it he has begun crying, hot salty tears making their way down his bruised cheeks. „Weak” Josh thought to himself. “Fucking pathetic. You can’t do anything else, but cry these days, can you ? “ He tried lifting his hands to his face , but that only brought more tears when pain shot from his shoulders all the way down to his fingertips. He was a crippled mess. No part of his body left untouched or unhurt.  Suddenly he desperately needed to look at himself in the mirror. Did he even look like himself ? He was probably hideous, with all the wounds and scars and evidence of abuse. And his tattoo.... Oh God what have they done to the beautiful colorful ink littering the skin on his whole right arm... The desire to vomit now almost too overwhelming. His eyes traced the bandages covering his right arm from shoulder to wrist. It was gone. The  beautiful sunset and majestic tree were now turned to raw and bleeding mess. The punishment was mostly emotional rather than purely physical. The act of depersonalisation by taking away something that was a part of his identity , something so personal  that meant so much to Josh just ripped away from his body. Fresh tears made their way down all the way to his chin and Josh was wondering how much was left of him inside. They shaved his hair too, ripped away all of his piercings and removed anything that would make him … _Josh_. They never called him by his name, always using the same insults while talking to him -  scum, dog, trash, whore. The last one was their favorite, as if to remind him of his hopeless situation . And by removing his tattoo they broke the last bits of will to fight Josh has left in him. Before that he was still defiant, still trying to fight back whenever he could. But the agony that the skinning brought upon the man was too much for his already weak body and mind to bear. Memories were creeping up on him, gripping his throat, pushing at his chest and pulling him back into the darkness of the dungeons.

***

_He was tied down to a cold metal table, his limbs held painfully in place by handcuffs at each corner of the table, leaving him spread and defenseless. A blindfold was blocking his vision_ _,_ _leaving him absolutely terrified.   The room was freezing and Josh found if hard to control his shivering and shaking, the metal handcuffs making clattering noises where they hit the table. They strapped him down and left him alone  in the dark to wonder what will come next.  Nothing was happening for a while, but then Josh was startled by a loud noise somewhere near him, sounding like tools were being placed on a metal surface. It made his blood freeze. In this vulnerable position Josh had no way to protect himself from whatever his captors were planning for him.  His breath was harsh, coming out in short gasps as bruised ribs protested against the strain. A sound of lighter being light echoed through the room.  It stayed quiet for a while and than Josh felt it. Something hot hovering above his right shoulder, barely glazing the skin there. He was confused by the feeling, the fear growing rapidly, tightening his chest. He needed to see what was happening,  the darkness driving him insane. The heat doubled and suddenly something white hot was touching his skin, slicing it and making him **scream.**_

**_***_ **

Josh’s eyes flew open as he choked on the bile rising in his throat. He couldn’t hold the need to vomit anymore and with the last bits of strength he had left he rolled on his right side and threw up all over the floor.  This of course brought a whole new level of pain, with the dislocated shoulder being under pressure and the crippled right hand rubbed against the bed.  Josh curled in on himself, trying  to somehow shield himself from the horrible pain but there was no getting away. He was crying within seconds, afraid to roll back into his previous position on his back in fear of more pain, but at the same time the pressure on his hurt shoulder was agonizing. He stayed like that for a few moments, trying to catch his breath and shake off the  memory that brought this on. Josh tried to call for help, for someone to roll him back or give him something for the pain, but he couldn’t.  He was trapped inside his broken body, voiceless and helpless.

****

_The knife dug under his skin, not deep enough to cut into the meat of his shoulder, but sharp enough to peel a thin layer of skin from it. Josh was shaking violently, tugging on his restrains and making his wrists bleed. Someone was holding his right hand by the shoulder, elbow and wrist so he couldn’t move it at all. The knife was oh so slowly making it’s way under his skin, unattaching it from the meat, bringing a hot white pain that set his nerves on fire._

_“ Please stop” Josh sobbed, all defenses destroyed by the blinding pain “ PLEASE ! Don’t do this, don’t do this oh God!  “Someone was laughing very close to his face and then the blindfold was removed.  Josh’s eyes darted towards his right hand, head almost snapping from the sudden movement.  Two people were holding his arm still while another one, holding a thin, but long knife was cutting into his tattooed hand with it. They were erasing the last trace of who he was, the last bit of color he had left in his life. There was barely any blood dripping down from the raw wounds, making it obvious that the people who were doing it definitely had experience. He turned his head back so he could stare at the ceiling , the sight of  his skin being peeled off too much to bear. “ Please” he kept begging, voice shaking and raspy from crying, breath coming out in short abrupt pants. “Please stop”  deep down he knew they won’t stop, but the desperation was forcing him to beg and plead. Why couldn’t he just pass out or go into shock ? The pain was surely strong enough so why did he have to feel everything ?_

_Someone moved closer to him, coming into Josh’s peripheral vision holding a bottle of something in his hand. He was laughing too, evil glint in his eyes._

_“Little American whore wants a drink? – he asked in a horrible English and opened the bottle. A smell of alcohol has spread across the room and hit Josh’s nose._

_“We don’t want the wounds infected do we ?” He asked again , in Arabian this time. Josh understood though and started trashing in his restrains again._

_“NO ! Please don’t do this, I’m **begging you** ”  But no matter how much he struggled and begged there was nowhere to go, no way to save himself from what was coming.  He had a few seconds to brace himself before the contents of the bottle was spilled on the raw meat on Josh’s right arm, making him shriek so loud it tore something in his throat. The pain was burning him a live for what seemed like eternity, every cell of his body vibrating with agony. Than finally, blissfully the pain got too much and his mind blacked out._

***

Josh tore his eyes open by  the feeling of falling, only seconds before he hit the ground of his hospital room, hands first.  The horror of the dream/memory was still fresh in his mind and he needed a couple of seconds to figure out where he was. He wasn’t strapped down to a table anymore, nobody was holding him down either. The pain was there, but it was radiating from his shoulders,  as a result of landing on his hands with full force. His ribs also screamed in protest from the fall and pressure applied there. He could feel wounds being torn open, probably for the 100th time in the past few days.

 He only had a couple of moments to find his bearings before someone busted into his room, a few pairs of boots coming to a stop in front of the terrified Josh on the ground. His reaction was immediate and violent, despite the injuries and pain, his self-preservation instinct too strong to stop him from hurting himself further . Josh scrambled on the floor in panic, still trying to catch his breath, but failing miserably. He went on all fours and somehow managed to crawl backwards, under the bed behind him and hid there. The position wasn’t comfortable for his already badly hurting body, but the feeling of being exposed and defenseless on the ground was far worse. Hiding under the bed he waited for the boots to leave his room.  When he was finally alone again Josh couldn’t find the energy or will to move back out. It was all too much, the fear, the pain and the  horrible memory, still lingering in his mind. His body was shutting down and Josh just let it. Sleeping was his only escape right now.

 

 

****

 

He was pulled out of his restless sleep by the sound of voices and footsteps.  He opened his eyes and groggily took in his surroundings.  He was still under the bed, curled up in an uncomfortable position that put pressure on his bruised bones that made him groan.  Two pairs of legs were standing by the door, one of them were definitely female.

“Josh “ A familiar voice called out for him “ Josh are you here ? “ – it was dr. Morgan, no doubt, with her kind and soft voice.

He tried to move, to make an attempt to crawl out from under the bed, but all that came out was a pained whine. His body was slowly waking up and the excruciating pain came back full force. He groaned again, this time louder.

“ Oh my God, are you under the bed ? You poor thing, how did you get in there ?” She neared the bed slowly, while the other person stayed by the door.

“Josh  ? “ She called out again and another pained groan followed from underneath. “ I’m going to join you underneath okay ? It’s alright, I just want to see if you’re doing okay” with that she crouched in front of the bed and turned to the other man hovering by the door

“Hey, Rich, could you fetch me some meds from the ER section ? Pain pills and fever meds would be great”

“Of course, Leti, I’ll be right back” the boots moved from the door and Josh let out a breath.

“Okay, I’m crawling in” dr. Morgan’s face came into his sight, it was concerned and worried, but her eyes let him know that she was happy to see him.

She crawled further, closing the distance between her and Josh, who was pressing himself against the wall behind him. He looked terribly tired, his eyes sad and terrified.  Dried tears were staining his cheeks, telling her he’s been crying. Her heart hurt so bad for him it felt almost like a physical ache.  Her brain was working on figuring out the reason for his state. Did someone scare him so bad he had to hide there ? Was it a nightmare ? Or maybe he thought he was back in that awful camp, probably afraid of getting hurt again. Back there he had no bed to hide under.

She was beginning to tear up, but she didn’t want to upset Josh so she just reached out her hand and placed it on his forehead.

“Hey there” She smiled. “ I’m sorry I’ve been away all day, but I had some very important things to do. I contacted a very good friend of mine and asked him to look for your friends, who I was sure are looking for you. And I was right “ She smiled and continued caressing his cheek. “ Tyler, your band mate is in fact looking for you. “ At the mention of Tyler’s name Josh’s eyes darted up and shone with fresh tears. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Tyler was looking for him. Tyler knew that he’s alive and was looking for him  

“ My friend, Richard, he found Tyler and met up with him. He told your friend about your situation and they are figuring out a way to get you out of here okay ?” Josh was on a verge of tears.  

“But first we need to  fix you up a little bit, you don ‘t look too good. Did you hurt yourself? It must be painful for you to move, let alone stay all squeezed up in here “ the pair of boots came back and neared the bed. The person left something on the table by the bed and stayed there for a moment before asking

“Hey Leti, do you need help ? Is Josh okay ? “ Josh jumped a little when the man mentioned his name and retreated further back into the wall.

“No, Rich it’s okay. We need to move slowly, he’s hurting a lot.” She moved a lock of hair from Josh’s forehead soothingly. “ Josh I know this is going to be tough for you but you need to get out from under this bed before you get yourself hurt any further. You can hold on to me okay ? And I will help you along, but  I promise I won’t push you or touch you unless you need me to.

Josh nodded. His dislocated shoulders were sending sharp painful waves up and down his hands and all the way to his spine. His ribs, probably broken were hurting from him lying on them for so long. The bandages on his chest and sides were bloody too. Leticia looked at his overall physical condition and winced. He looked worse than before she left and a pang of guilt gripped her heart.

Slowly, inch by inch Josh moved under the bed, crawling and dragging himself on the floor , gritting his teeth from the sharp jolts of pain every movement brought. Dr. Morgan was helping him along, guiding him and providing him with a steady hand whenever he needed it, but never pulled or grabbed him and for that Josh was thankful.  Richard, the man who came with the doctor was standing patiently by the door, watching the scene unfold in front of him with sympathetic eyes and worried expression.  It took forever for the man on the ground to drag himself from under the bed, the process leaving him panting and fighting for breath. 

Josh felt so pathetic it was even worse than the physical pain he had to experience.  He was dragging himself on the floor like some sort of animal, making noises that barely sounded human.  The whole situation of him hiding under the bed was embarrassing enough without all the dragging and crawling in front of the stranger.

Dr. Morgan asked Richard to help get Josh up on the bed when he sat down leaning on it and panting heavily, but couldn’t get on top. That also proved to be difficult since Josh barely had any spot on his body that wasn’t hurting terribly.  Richard kept his grip feather light, letting Josh hug him as best as he could with his dislocated shoulders  and lifted him off the floor slowly, holding his hips and back. Josh was so light it surprised Richard, he barely weighted anything at all.

When Josh was finally lying on his back on the bed tears were making their way down his cheeks. The pain was making him cry again and he absolutely hated it. His breathing was labored, the broken ribs not allowing him to breathe in enough air. Richard was sitting on the edge of his bed with a sad look in his eyes, examining Josh’s shivering frame on the bed.  It was far worse than he had imagined it. In fact it was worse than anything he has seen in his 20 years of field service as a war correspondent.   He would give his absolute best to save this man, Richard knew it. And he knew that Leticia would too.

Dr. Morgan spent the next hour treating Josh’s wounds, or at least the worst of them.  He had opened some of the cuts on his belly and the wounds on his chest from what looked like a whip. They were deep and bleeding freely, in an urgent need of stitches. But she couldn’t stitch him without any anesthesia , leaving her with no options but to put bandages on top to stop the bleeding. When she was done she gave him painkillers and water and tried to get him to eat, but Josh refused so she didn’t push it. She left the room briefly to talk to Richard outside and came back with him holding a phone in his hand.

“Josh, are you feeling better ? – She held his hand in hers, trying to avoid bothering his broken fingers.  He nodded and she read it in his eyes, the honest warm gratitude for everything.  “That’s great. We have a surprise for you. It’s a good one, don’t worry. Richard has a satellite phone  “ she pointed at the phone in the man’s hand. “ I will hold it to your ear and I want you to listen okay ? I know you can’t talk and that’s alright. You’ll be okay, I promise.

When Josh nodded Richard came forward and dialed someone on the phone.  He waited for a couple of seconds when someone picked up.

“ Hello. It’s Richard. Yes, everything is alright, I made if safe to the field hospital. Yes, he’s here and he can’t wait to hear you. Okay, yes, I will put him on in a second” With that Richard gave the phone to dr. Morgan who put it close to Josh’s ear and didn’t miss the excited gleam in his eyes.  

Josh held his breath , his mind racing hundred miles per hour.  His heart was beating so fast he could feel it in his temples. He wouldn’t dare hope. But the desire to hear a familiar voice was drowning him, making it hard to breathe properly.  The silence went on for another frantic moment when a small shaking voice called his name from the other line. A voice he hasn’t heard for months, but dreamed of hearing every night he spent alone in the tiny cold cell.  Josh’s heart exploded. It was Tyler.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to take a moment to thank everyone who has supported this story by giving kudos and writing comments. It honestly means so much to me, since this story has become a baby of mine. I'm glad you guys like it and I hope it stays that way :) Thank you for sticking around :)
> 
> as I already mentioned i made a tumblr YEY :) the url is i-m-a-goner-takeitslow


	9. The sky will cry as light is fading

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes things have to get worse for them to get better. Tyler and Josh have to learn that the hard way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains both Tyler's and Josh's P.O.V.  
> It's been a rollercoaster writing it and I hope you enjoy it :)

Since Richard left with the promise of calling Tyler from Josh’s bedside the singer couldn’t  do anything but pace around his hotel room. Mark was just as nervous as him, but he busied himself with work so he spent the rest of the day tapping away on his laptop. Time couldn’t pass slower for Tyler, it was almost as if it stopped moving at all. He tried busing himself with different things but nothing worked. He was too distracted to read, too nervous to sit down and watch something on his laptop.  All of his thoughts went back to Josh no matter how hard he tried to think of something else.

Tyler considered calling his parents and telling them the news about finding Josh, but decided against it.As much as he wanted to share the happy news with his folks, it was still too early to get too excited.  Josh still wasn’t out of danger and there was serious threat to his life from what Richard has told him. So telling his parents now, but failing with the plan to help Josh would be a lot worse if they simply didn’t know. The same went for Josh’s patents too, although he did feel guilty about hiding it from them.  Josh was their son and they had the right to know what was happening with him, yes, but Tyler could only imagine the emotional hell they’d have to endure while waiting for news and living in the dark. A hell Tyler was stuck in currently.  It continued all throughout the rest of the day and stretched into the night as well. He didn’t even consider sleeping, the  nerves not allowing him to relax for a second. Mark went for a short  nap to his bedroom, but woke up an hour later and joined Tyler back in the living room.

The singer finally decided that looking at his watch every 2 minutes wasn’t going to make the time pass faster so he sat down and played with his phone instead. His fingers moved automatically on his phone’s screen and without really thinking about it he was once again staring at old Twenty one pilots pictures . Josh had blue hair in the current one, although it was fading already, making it look like a cotton candy.  This one was taken a few years back, but Tyler remembered it almost as if it happened yesterday.  Tyler was holding his ukulele and playing some stupid little tune and Josh was laughing at him. His eyes crinkled up in the corners in adorable way, his nose scrunched up and smile so wide it could split his face in two from the happiness it was radiating. Tyler has just made up a song about how they loved eating pizza naked and it was absolutely ridiculous, not that funny at all, but Josh was laughing as if it was the funniest thing he has ever heard.  Thinking about it right now, Josh has always laughed at Tyler’s jokes no matter how stupid and un-funny they were.  And Tyler would make a thousand un-funny stupid jokes just to see Josh laugh like that again.

Tyler took another moment to look at the picture and then continued scrolling through his gallery. There were barely any pictures where they weren’t laughing or smiling or fooling around. Josh was one of the most easy going guys Tyler has ever met in his life. With his kindhearted nature and endless patience Josh was barely ever in a bad mood , which was pretty much a complete opposite of Tyler with his grumpiness and sudden mood swings and exactly what he needed.  Josh’s kind and wide-opened heart  of course meant that people often took advantage of him which hurt Tyler more than he would care to admit.  And the mere thought of someone causing Josh physical or emotional pain made him want to put his fist through the wall.  He didn’t deserve to suffer. He didn’t deserve to get hurt, it should’ve never been him who got caught and tortured for months.  Anger rose inside Tyler , looking at Josh smiling from his phone’s screen and trying to stop the images of his best friend being hurt and terrified from flooding his head. He shook his head, _no, this is not the time to get worked up into another breakdown, Tyler_ he told himself. Imagining the horrors Josh was probably put through wasn’t  the best idea and he knew it.  He had to be collected and as calm as possible while talking to Josh on the phone, if the plan Richard had in mind actually worked.  God he prayed over 100 times today for the plan to work.  It was kind of disappointing that he won’t be able to hear  Josh’s voice , but the thought of _feeling_ his presence on the other line of the phone made him shiver with anticipation. 8 months  he has waited for this moment and now finally …

Tyler’s phone rang, tearing him out of his thoughts as a wave of anxiety washed over him. It was a hidden  number and the singer was both excited and scared at the same time.  He picked up.

“Hello ? – Tyler asked in a sheepish voice

“Hello, it’s Richard” Tyler’s heart jumped to his throat.

“I-is everything okay ? Did you get there safe ?

“Yes, everything is alright, I made if safe to the field hospital”

“Oh my God “ Tyler put his hand on his mouth and looked at Mark who was sitting stone still on the couch “ Is Josh okay ? Is he there ? “

“Yes, he’s here and he can’t wait to hear you.” Tyler was ready to cry any moment now. Josh was there, he was on the other line of the phone and he was **_there_**

“Holy fuck, okay please can you put him on ? Oh my God”

“Okay, yes, I will put him on in a second”- there was a pause and a shuffling on the other line and Tyler held his breath.

And than he heard it. The shaky rapid breathing,. It was ridiculous Tyler thought to himself,  to _recognize_ someone’s **_breathing_** , but he could swear in his parent’s life that the moment he heard the other person on the line taking a shaky breath he _knew_ it was Josh.

“Josh ? “ Tyler said with trembling voice “ Josh, this is Tyler. Oh God .. I…I… Fuck I’ve missed you so much “ Tyler cried into the phone, not caring about how embarrassing he must be sounding right now.  “ Josh… I just want t-to know that you’re o-okay.. I mean I know you can’t s-speak and oh God I know this is ridiculous , but I’ve missed you and I haven’t slept for months and I haven’t smiled for almost a year and I fucking miss my best friend in the world so bad I think I might e-explode – the words were tumbling out of Tyler’s mouth so fast he knew that he couldn’t stop right now even if he tried.  A fit of sobs followed the jumbled words, his emotions getting the best of him “ I stopped playing and I stopped singing and I just can’t do this Josh, I can’t I can’t **I can’t.** Not without you, I can’t do this alone, please Josh… “ Hearing the person on the end of the line sob as well made him sink to the floor and burry his head in his hands. Rocking back and forth Tyler just listened for a second how the other man cried into the phone, struggling to form words, but failing at it. It was honestly the best sound he’s heard in almost a whole year.  “ I’m sorry this happened Josh. God I’m so sorry I couldn’t find a way to save you, to get you out … I…I… please, I just want you back home, I want you near and I want to hug you, I want to hug you so bad , I want you safe, I want you home …” Tyler could hear someone sooth Josh on the other line, he was probably as big of a mess as him right now.  “ _Breathe Josh, come on sweetheart”_ Tyler could hear a woman’s voice trough the receiver and his heart dropped . Did he cause his friend harm with his babbling ? Was he hurting ?

“Josh ?”

“Hey, it’s dr. Morgan. It’s really nice to finally hear you , Tyler“ a pleasant warm voice rang in Tyler’s ear. The same voice that soothed Josh.

“H-hey” Ty hiccupped , still not in complete control over his emotions.

“ Josh is in pretty bad shape as you probably know and he’s been doing even worse since I came back today” She paused and Tyler held his breath. “ He’s hurting right now and I don’t think he can handle a lot more at this moment.” On the background he could hear pained noises and quiet gasps for breath and he felt like being stabbed in the heart.  “ But you made him smile and that’s something I see for the first time since he’s here. So it’s a small victory after all. I think you just made Josh incredibly happy and that makes me incredibly happy too” Tyler was nodding, completely forgetting the fact that she can’t see him through the speaker. But he couldn’t trust himself to use his voice at the moment so he kept nodding for a while.

“ I.. um.. you’re  the one who made this happen right ? The one who took care of Josh and sent someone to find me ? – Tyler’s voice was thick with tears , but at least he stopped sobbing.

“Yes, Tyler. I was the one who treated him first when he arrived here a few days back.”

“Thank you” he almost whispered but he meant it with his entire heart “Thank you for helping Josh. Thank you for reaching out to me.. thank you, I don’t know if I will ever be able to repay you.”

“ I just want to see Josh okay and safe” She said and Tyler believed her.

“You’re an angel”

“No, Tyler, I’m just a doctor” No, you’re definitely an angel he thought to himself but didn’t say it. Something in her tone made him feel safe and almost sure that everything will be okay with Josh and things will work out. 

“Thank you, doctor Morgan” he managed before his throat closed up again

“Josh will be okay, I promise you. I will do everything and anything to help him while he’s here. I only know him for a few days, but I’m already convinced that he’s a person worth fighting for.

“Yeah, he really is” Tyler said quietly

“I will change his bandages and help him eat something, so I’m going to give the phone to Richard. I guess you guys have a lot to talk about.

“Yeah. Thank you again, doctor. Thank you” with that she gave the phone back to Richard. They really did have a lot to talk about. 

 

 

*****************

 

Since Josh heard Tyler’s voice on the phone he couldn’t stop ** _feeling._** He suddenly felt everything all at once – how much he missed Tyler, how much he missed home, how lonely he has been the past months spent in isolation.  Emotions were hitting him hard and he also felt it physically. His body was on the edge of falling apart, barely functioning before and now with the added stress of new intense feelings  it was on the verge of breaking. 

Josh found it impossible to keep any food down and threw up everything dr. Morgan tried to feed him. His fever was very high, causing his head to hurt terribly and his body to be washed by constantly changing hot-cold waves.  And the pain was almost unbearable. His wounds wouldn’t heal and it seemed to him they only got worse.  He was bleeding from his wounds, from his nose and ears.  His bones were also healing way too slow if they were healing at all. His broken fingers, all 20 on both hands were not functioning at all so he couldn’t  use his hands for anything. And the broken ribs were making it difficult for him to find a position that wouldn’t hurt too much.  Josh hated complaining, he couldn’t stand it, but in this condition he couldn’t help but writhe underneath the covers of his hospital bed , helpless against the pain ripping his body apart, not even able to scream his frustration out.  He cried a lot, couldn’t help the tears from slipping out of his eyes no matter how hard he tried to keep them at bay.

The doctor was doing her best to help him feel comfortable, putting wet cloths on Josh's forehead , hoping it would chase some of the fever away. She would hold his hand and tell him it will be all over soon. But Josh wasn't blind, he could see the worry and fear in her eyes, in the way she soothed him, like he was dying. And he probably was, because hell it sure felt like it.

Josh knew something was happening by nightfall when he heard echoes of loud explosions ripping trough the air. The sound of rifles going off, people screaming and more loud bangs followed , giving Josh a fresh wave of anxiety.  Something was happening inside of him too, a dull ache that started in his lower back was growing into full blown white hot pain, twisting his insides. His sides, stomach and belly were on fire, sending acid up his throat , choking him. He threw up part if it on himself because his body wasnt listening to him anymore and he couldnt twist his neck to the side. Josh  was coughing and heaving, fighting desperately for a breath that wasn't coming.

Why was his body giving up now that he was so close to being saved ? Why couldn't he die back in that goddamn camp when he wished and prayed for death ? This was so unfair he thought, his eyes were wet again and he was crying. Crying because he didnt want to die like this, because he had hope and now it didnt matter anymore. Pain was now all he could feel , besides the soft hand that was holding his. The hand was rubbing circles into his knuckles and another one was caressing his face. He thought for a second of his mother and how she soothed him after he had nightmare when he was a kid. The hands were soft and gentle, followed by even softer lips on his temple. The noise became so loud it felt like grenades were blowing up a few feet away from his bed. Josh oppened his eyes and focused enough to see how dr.Morgan was hugging him, almost as if to protect him with her body. She was shaking as well , probably as scared as him.

Everything was losing focus again, breathing was way too difficult and darkness was enveloping his vision. The pain was blurring into white noise and the loud sounds seemed very distant, almost like an echo. Almost like a beat. Like a drum beat. And for some reason Josh wasnt even scared anymore. He was fading into the beat, counting the seconds to his death. "I will fly with no hope, no fear" Josh whispered. He didn't know where these words came from but his heart was telling him they meant a lot to him. "Tyler" he thought as the last bits of consciousness  were slipping away from him. Those were his words. Smiling Josh let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading so far, all of the feedback I've got has been so positive and amazing I almost cant believe it :) thank you so much for leaving kudos and comments
> 
> I wont have internet all weekend so I'll probably update on monday or tuesday. In the mean time come and say hi on my tumblr. : i-m-a-goner-takeitslow.tumblr.com


	10. Reunions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is in Josh's POV and it follows his jurney to safety

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, I'm really sorry for not posting in a while, but I've been incredibly busy. I've been writing whenever I got the chance though :) please let me know what you think ?

The first time Josh regained some sort of consciousness he instantly wished he hasn’t. The pain in his body has doubled it’s intensity and was now hitting him with the force of a loaded truck. He didn’t know where he was or what was happening, but the pain was enough for him to wish he could go back to the darkness and feel nothing again. He couldn’t even think, everything was one big blur of pain, he couldn’t recognize any sound of smell, couldn’t open his eyes or make a sound. He wished and wished to pass out again, he couldn’t take it anymore, oh God please make it stop. God obviously heard him because seconds later someone was touching his bruised neck and the pain finally sucked him back into darkness. 

The second time Josh came to it was almost as painful as the first one, only this time he could feel the ground shaking and jumping underneath him, almost as if it was moving. His bruised and torn back was rubbing against the hard surface he was lying on making him want to scream. Cant just everyone leave him alone ? He apparently wasnt dead wchich made Josh ask why. His body couldnt handle this anymore, he couldnt handle a minute longer of this hell, so why was he still alive and why was he awake? Just pass out, please let me pass out. Tears were welling up behind his closed eyelids, the pain still too great for Josh to try and move a muscle or open his eyes. His breathing was ragged and fast, every breath burned his lungs and light his chest on fire. Just make it stop, Josh thought desperately. I can’t do this anymore.  
Someone was whipping his tears stained cheeks and Josh was suddenly aware of the presence of other people around him. It instantly panicked him, a reaction to human touch he has gained over the long months in captivity where every touch, every human contact meant hurt. It was frustrating how Josh couldn’t make a sound, to ask whoever was touching him to stop. He strained his lungs and throat, willed them to work, but the intense burning sensation was the only result. More tears ran down his face. God he hated feeling so helpless. If he could only open his eyes, just for a second… what if they were taking him back to another terror camp ? What if those bastards came back for him and took him with them and only kept him alive so they could torture him to death later? No. He needed to find a way to move, to fight, to resists them. Pain shot through his body, piercing his arms and back as he tried to move his arms from where they were lying by his sides. Another try to move and he was gasping in pain, making quiet panting noises and inching towards that peaceful darkness he was craving so much. With one final effort Josh gathered as much breath as he could in his burning lungs and held it. He coughed it out with as much force as he could, making his lungs and chest explode in white hot pain. Josh only felt it for a second, before unconsciousness too him back.

The third time Josh woke up he still felt the searing pain from before, only this time his senses were more sharp and he could hear quiet conversations somewhere near his head. It was hot and the sweat that gathered on his temples was running down his neck and damping his hair. This time he managed to open his eyes a little, although everything was still unfocused. Someone was sitting close to Josh who was obviously lying in the middle of a small space, surrounded by wooden benches. The back of a military truck , josh thought to himself. There were a couple of people sitting on the benches, dressed up in military uniforms and heavily armed, looking exhausted. The back of the truck was opened and Josh noticed it was dark outside, so they must’ve been driving for quite a while.  
The person sitting next to Josh notices that he’s awake and smiled at him.

“Hey Josh” he greeted the lying man with a smile “ My name is sergeant Stroller… but everyone calls me Serg “The man looked middle aged, with big forehead and angular jaw and would look pretty intimidating if it wasn’t for his kind eyes. His smile faltered as he struggled to find words “ I….. I’’m really sorry about what you’re going through, kid. " the man sighted deep and sad. "And sorry I cant help you. With the pain I mean. It must hurt something awful" he looked down on his hands" But we'll get you out of here, I promise you that. We'll do our best to get you home, kid. Okay ? Once you're out of the danger zone the plane is going to be waiting for you. And It's going to take you far away from here. And everything will be alright for you. I mean it" he put his hand on Josh's shoulder, who flinched slightly, regretting it almost immediately after seeing the hurt look in the Serg's eyes." No one will hurt you again,kid"

And God Josh wanted to believe him so bad . He needed that glimpse of hope. He hasn’t felt safe for what seemed like eternity, always on edge, always afraid, never knowing what’s coming next. The past few days were so different though. The doctor treated him so gently and went out of her way to help Josh and that gave him hope. He heard Tyler’s voice thanks to her and oh God, Josh almost forgot how his best friend sounded. His voice was shaking on the other side of the line, thick with tears and worry, but it was Tyler. It was almost surreal hearing him again after so long and it hurt him that he couldn’t say anything. He just listened to his best friend cry into the phone and cried back himself, his vocal cords too damaged to produce any sound other than pained wheezing. More tears gathered at the corners of his eyes, making them sting. The sergeant must’ve noticed because his hand went back to Josh’s with a gentle touch

“ Don’t be afraid. We’re all here to protect you” He gestured to the rest of the people in the truck and outside of it. “ As long as we’re here nothing bad will happen to you. And doc here “ he waved to a young looking man just outside of the truck’s open back door” will do everything he can to make you feel as comfortable as possible. 

Comfortable, Josh thought, is something he can’t possible feel any time soon. He has forgotten what was it like to feel safe and comfortable. And pain free. There was never a time, not even a day when he wasn’t hurting during these months in hell. He would be lying if he said that he’s used to it, because truth to be told there’s no way any human being could get used to that kind of abuse. But of course he couldn’t tell the sergeant what he thought so he just nodded slightly and gave him a weak smile. The man smiled back at him, and patted his shoulder which made Josh wince in pain  
“Gosh, sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you” Stroller apologized immediately. Josh shook his head and closed his eyes. He couldn’t bear to see the pity in everyone’s gaze.  
Soon everyone loaded back into the truck and sat down on the benches surrounding Josh. There was faint sound of a battle unraveling, the echo of it making Josh shiver. They were obviously still in the danger zone, although the sounds were kind of distant. Everyone inside the truck was quiet. Most soldiers tried to avoid looking straight at Josh, but he could feel all the mixed feelings and looks he got – curiosity, sympathy and mostly pity. The young man, who was introduced as “the doc” was sitting at the foot of Josh’s improvised bedding.

“Try and get some sleep, okay ? “ He said with a tired voice. They must’ve stayed up all night, judging by the bags underneath the doc’s eyes. “ We’ll stay here for a while, but when we get moving again it’s gonna get pretty wild. Umm .. I… well I … I really admire you, you know “ he said with a quiet voice and blushed a little. “ I mean before you got captured and stuff. I’ve been a fan of your music for a while.  
That caught Josh completely off guard and made his mind reel. Their music. The music he used to create with his best friend before everything changed.

“Umm.. I have a little sister, she’s 16. I only get to see her around Christmas, you know, with the army and stuff … so anyway, she’s sent me a couple of tracks and said I should listen to them. And she told me … she told me that your music is healing in a way. “ The boy’s voice quivered , emotions showing all over his face. This did mean a lot to him. “ And she was right… I’m… I was 18 when I joined the army and 19 when I was sent here. A lot of stuff happened since than and honestly… it wasn’t for your songs I would’ve given up on life a long time ago.” The last couple of words were said quickly and quietly, almost as if it’s the first time he ever confessed this to someone. Which was probably true. 

Everyone sitting on the benches was quiet, some of them have teared up a little , others just sat there looked sad and thoughtful. Josh also had tears in his eyes, but for the first time in God knows how long those weren’t tears of pain or despair. It felt so different, he wanted to cry and laugh at the same time. He wanted to hug the boy.

“I … I wanted to thank you” the young doc said after he got a hold of his emotions.” For creating something so real and … for staying real all this time. Just… yeah. That’s what I wanted to say” He awkwardly finished looking down on his hands.

Josh thought “ You should thank Tyler, not me”, but instead he raised his left arm and beckoned the boy towards him. A second of silence followed as the doc was trying to comprehend what Josh actually wanted him to do. Then he slowly stood up and kneeled by Josh’s side. Everyone stayed quiet and watched as the young doc leaned into Josh and slowly embraced him in a gentle hug. Josh hugged him back , gritting his teeth against the awful white hot pain spreading through his bones. It was worth the pain though. The boy started crying quietly into Josh’s shoulder and he felt like sobbing himself. The feeling of closeness, the comfort and warmth of the other human body was so foreign for the drummer, but at the same time it was kind of familiar, something Josh vaguely recalled from his past life. Hugs… he hasn’t been hugged for months. It sounded stupid even to his own ears, but if Josh was honest with himself he missed hugs more than the comfort of bed or the taste of real food. He recalled being hugged by grateful fans before, when they admitted how much his band’s music has helped them and a wave of nostalgia washed over him

Him and Tyler, they both used music to get from point A to point B and created music for others to use it the same way. There wasnt another feeling in the world that could compare to what it felt like when someone came up to Josh and told him how much their music has helped and how much difference it has made in somebody's life. That feeling made it all worth it, it made him feel like his life has a purpose, a meaning. Through music he could express himself without fear, without the need to hide or the dread he might be judged. And God he wanted that freeedom back, he needed it so much.  
And this young man, who has been trough Lord knows what, seen things no one should have to see was kneeling by Josh's bed and cried in his arms. This stranger who trough music found a way to cope with his traumatazing life as a soldier in war and maybe found hope somewhere inbetween the notes and lyrics his best friend has written. It gave Josh hope too, that his life wasnt a complete waste, that he still had a chance. And he cried with the boy as he held him close, wordlessly expressing his gratitude for reminding him how to hope. 

They stayed like that for a while, until Josh got too exhausted from the emotional ordeal and the physical pain that his injuries kept bringing. He drifted off into half sleep , half unconciousness which brought a temporary peace. 

That lasted for a while and Josh would wake up every once in a while from a rather harsh bump in the road that caused his battered body to jolt and scream in protest. Or the overwhelming thirst that driven him crazy, but he had no voice to ask for water. The sounds of war echoed further and further away until they died down and were replaced by sounds of busy traffic and city life. Hope was fluttering in Josh’s heart, like a newborn butterfly that just received it’s wings. Maybe he would actually survive this and be okay. Maybe he could put all of this hell behind him and start over.  
Hope was a dangerous thing, Josh has learned over the agonizing months spent in solitude, surrounded by violence and death. He has hoped someone would come and save him, that people were looking for him and help will come. The wait was painful and slow, as weeks and months went by and no one was coming to help him. The abuse only got worse, the tortures more frequent and cruel and hoping for a miracle was only making his pain worse. Josh couldn’t recall the exact moment he stopped hoping or praying, but as it came everything lost meaning. 

So right now Josh was scared of hoping, but couldn’t help but let it back in his heart. The truck was slowing down, the heat and humidity of the air choking Josh and making him gasp. Someone was holding his hand, telling him he’s going to be okay, just last a little bit longer. His entire chest felt like it’s being crushed by something incredibly heavy, ribs hurting, lungs struggling to suck in air. He could hear his own wheezing, the screeching noise leaving his throat scaring him. They were so close and his body was betraying him, yet again. I will hug Tyler, I will see my family, I will play drums again he told himself over and over again like a prayer. The noise in his ears was blocking everything out until it was all he could hear. He was slipping into darkness. 

The truck pulled to a stop and Josh felt the painful jolt of the sudden halt. His left hand was grasping his throat, scratching on his skin in a desperate attempt to get more air in. Through the darkness he could hear someone scream his name

“Josh ! Josh ? “ the voice was desperate, absolutely frantic

“Where is he, WHERE IS HE ??” it got louder and closer. Josh held on to the voice and tried to pull himself back into consciousness . “ Please let me see him , I need to see him” someone literally threw himself on Josh and he instinctively flinched and struggled to get away

“Oh my God. God I’m so sorry “ the person let go of him and Josh barely managed to open his eyes while scrabbling to get away from the hands trying to hold him. His heart was beating fast, threatening to jump out of his chest. The voice was so familiar, so warm and fragile, but the noise in his ears was drowning it. With one last effort Josh’s vision cleared and right there in front of him on the dirty ground of the military truck, covered in tears and snot was sitting the most important person in Josh’s life. His best friend was looking at him with frightened eyes, widened in shock and bone deep sadness. Tears were running down Tyler’s cheeks like waterfalls, his sobs escaping his throat despite his obvious attempts to stop them. 

Josh stopped struggling to get away and relaxed against the ground. His eyes were fixed on Tyler, he tried to study his friend’s features, his hair , his sunken deep brown eyes, full of so much sorrow it made his heart ache. It was all too much and Josh’s brain refused to keep working. All Josh managed to do is mouth “Tyler” , stretch his bandaged right hand towards his friend and let out a choked sob. With that his world went completely blank, the last thing he could hear was Tyler’s panicked voice, repeating his name over and over again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo what do you think ? It's been such a journey for me this far , even thogh sometimes it's pretty tough writing about such heavy topic. Your comments really do help a lot so thank you so much for taking the time, you guys are incredible !
> 
> Oh and dont be shy, come say hi on Tumblr :)


	11. Quiet strength

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes reunion could be painful, but it gets better in time.  
> Tyler is scared, Josh is hurt, but they are together and that's all that matters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys first of all I'm so sorry I haven't updated earlier. I've had this chapter almost fully written for days, but since I spent the weekend in the mountains there was not interned and my phone died halfway trough. So here it is.
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who read this story and left comments and kudos.  
> Honestly it means so much to me, since this is the first time I ever post my writing.  
> I hope you enjoy it :) next chapter is coming soon

Tyler was frantic. He’d spent all night panicking and worrying, his brain going through all the ways the plan to save Josh could fail. Richard told him that it’s best for him and Mark to wait for Josh at the hospital in Damascus where the convoy trucks will arrive. Tyler has already talked to doctors back in the US and with some help of friends back home he managed to arrange them to arrive in Syria and help Josh in any way possible. Tyler thought it was a good thing they were waiting for Josh at a hospital because he felt like having a damn nervous breakdown any moment. So many things could go wrong, so many bad stuff could happen and mess the whole plan up and Tyler was trying not to think about them right now. But of course no matter how hard he tried, his thoughts always went back there, explored all the possibilities for the plan to fail , which made him absolutely restless.

Last time he talked to Richard he got bad news about Josh’s health, which turned him into big a mess of nerves. His friend was getting worse, showing symptoms of blood poisoning from all the infected wounds, collapsed lung and kidney failure. There was little the doctors could do in the field hospital in the middle of the freaking battle field and right now every minute counted. But the fact that after everything Josh has been through the past 8 months, all the torture , the starvation and abuse he was still fighting and refusing to let go meant that Josh still had some strength in him. He has always been the strong one, Tyler reminded himself for the 100th time.  Josh was so strong and so kind at the same time, he always fought his fights quietly, only ever hurting himself.

And the fear of what Tyler would see when he finally had Josh in his arms terrified him out of his mind. So he paced back and forth outside the hospital, trying to push the scary images from his head. The most important thing for Tyler, the one thing he was trying to focus on was that Josh is alive. He’s definitely far from okay, but he’s made it this far and he’s still fighting. The singer was holding onto hope, even though it was pretty faint. But none the less it was there and he had to stay positive and strong for his friend’s sake.

Tyler was sitting on the grass outside the city hospital, looking at the rising sun with sleepy eyes when a series of big military trucks made their way into the hospital’s yard. He instantly jumped from his spot on the ground and ran as fast as he could, almost colliding with the opening back door of the biggest truck.

“Josh ! JOSH ! Tyler yelled, forgetting there were other people around him, giving him funny looks. He was climbing into the vehicle , the shaking so violent his legs were going to give out any moment.

“Where is he ? “ WHERE IS HE ? “ Tyler half crawled , half ran towards the lying figure on the ground. It was no doubt him, Tyler would recognize Josh from a mile away, with only one glance.  He desperately threw himself on top of the lying man and only then, when he was inches away from him his heart froze deep inside his chest in mid-beat.

The first thing that hit Tyler, and it hit him pretty damn hard was the way the man underneath him was struggling to take a breath, letting out wheezing choked sounds, as if he was drowning. He was coughing and choking, his left hand barely clasped around his throat. And oh God, his throat was bruised so badly the bandages put there couldn’t hide the gashes and scars. A second lasting glance on Josh’s face and Tyler’s heart completely sunk into his heels. The pale skin was stretched tightly over his too visible cheekbones, showing obvious signs of starvation. The bruises – old ones and fresh ones were littering his face, going all the way down to his neck where finger shaped prints were making Tyler’s heart bleed. Josh had his eyes closed tightly, probably from pain and lack of air, but there were obvious black and purple bags underneath them. His hair was dark brown, a color Tyler hasn’t seen in years, was curling around his forehead and ears, slightly longer than how Tyler remembers ever seeing it.

Tyler held onto Josh for a few moments, but the older man seemed too out of it to recognize his best friend and was trashing around, trying to get away from Tyler’s grip and obviously hurting himself further.

Tyler was full on crying now, tears running down his face as he released Josh from his embrace , apologizing as best as he could through the tears.

“Oh my God. God I’m so sorry “ he managed to choke out, as the struggling man stilled with a pained noise scratching his throat. Tyler moved himself away from Josh, taking in his tortured looks and pained noises. Josh looked so fragile and small, his normally lean frame was now skeletal. The blood soaked bandage that was covering his entire right arm brought another wave of horror for the singer and made him want to throw up. His tattooed arm.  Tyler silently prayed to God that it wasn’t what it looked like, because he probably wouldn’t be able to bear it. “ _Stay strong Tyler, pull yourself together and be strong_ ” was on repeat in his mind, as his whole world was falling apart at the sight in front of him.

Josh opened his eyes and whatever was left of Tyler’s world  completely crumbled and burned. Those kind eyes, the beautiful dark chocolate orbs were now staring into Tyler’s scared ones, filling him with so much sorrow he could barely breathe. Josh’s eyes looked haunted and filled with so much pain there were no words to describe it. Tyler sobbed, pressing the palms of his hands to his mouth, wetting his own clothes with tears. A flicker of recognition  flashed through the older man’s eyes, something shifted in his gaze, as his bandaged right hand stretched towards Tyler.  He wasn’t struggling to get away anymore and instead he relaxed on the ground and looked his best friend straight in the eyes. Tyler gently caressed his outstretched hand, scared that the smallest touch will hurt. 

Someone was moving behind Tyler, people were talking and he was suddenly aware of everyone else gathered around them on the floor. Right, they needed to take Josh into the hospital and help him before it was too late. Which was of course easier said than done, because the moment he tried to lift himself up from the ground his knees gave in and he fell right back. Someone grabbed Tyler under his armpits and pulled him up, gently moving him away from Josh. That triggered a fighting fit from the singer, he didn’t want to leave his best friend alone right now.

“Hey, Tyler, hey” it was Mark. Thank GOD, Tyler needed all the support he could get right now” It’s okay, we need to let the medics take care of Josh right now okay ? Mark’s voice was also shaking, but he was still keeping it together. And for that Tyler was very grateful since his own resolve was completely shattered by the horrible sight of his best friend. “ I’ll just let you sit over here” Mark lead Tyler out of the truck and sat him down on a bench nearby. “ Just take a breath and we’ll go inside and see Josh, alright ? “ Tyler was just shaking, too shocked and disoriented to give Mark a proper response. “It will be okay. Tyler, everything’s gonna be fine” Mark was hugging him now, rocking him back and forth slowly. “ We’ll be okay. We’ll get trough this” and thank God for Mark because Tyler would just lay down on the ground and cry if it wasn’t for him. He’ll thank him later when he finds his words, for right now he could only produce sobs.

While the two sat on the bench and caught their breath Josh was taken out of the truck and into the ER.  Tyler needed to be there, he couldn’t sit around and dwell in his own misery while Josh was fighting for his life. Mark helped him up and they slowly went inside, finding the ER section where they’ve taken Josh and sat in the waiting room. This was going to be a very long and painful wait, Tyler knew it.  The doctors from America haven’t arrived yet and Damascus was hardly the best city to receive professional medical help Tyler thought to himself. It’s still better than that field hospital though, at least they had painkillers here and Josh didn’t have to suffer all the time.  It was a miracle that the drummer has made it all the way from the south part of the country to the capital in the state he was in. Dr Morgan has told Tyler on the phone about Josh’s serious health condition, but nothing, absolutely no warning could prepare him for what he saw when he ran into that truck. Those horrifying seconds of shock, seeing his best friend so terrified and lost and scared of _him._ He saw scars and bruises and blood, but that wasn’t even half of it, Tyler knew.  This was just a scratch on the surface really. The real damage was only about to be shown and honestly he just wanted to run and hide and just forget any of this has ever happened.

Time was moving so slow it felt like days before a middle aged female doctor came out of the room where Josh was being treated and made everyone jolt from their seats in anticipation. She removed her bloody gloves and sighted heavily, before turning towards Tyler and asking

“Are you family of Mr. Dun?” Her accent was thick, but Tyler couldn’t care less. He needed to know how Josh was doing, that’s all that mattered.

“Yes, yes, please tell me how is Josh doing ? Is he going to be okay?? – the questions tumbled out of Tyler’s mouth “ Is it serious ?

“ Mr. Dun is very lucky, I will tell you this.  He came here with life threatening injuries, which considering his overall poor health  could be fatal if you waited another day or two. “ She paused and whipped the sweat off of her forehead. “ And besides lucky he is also a fighter. I know you want to hear good news, but for now I can’t promise you much. We stabilized him , but his life is still not out of danger.  All of his vital organs are shutting down and until his body manages to fight the shock there will be risk for his life.” Tyler sat back down on his chair halfway through doctor’s speech, knees too weak to hold his weight, it almost felt like someone has punched him in the gut with full force.

“C-can I see him ? Tyler’s voice was quiet and shaking from the struggle not to cry ? “ Please, please let me just see him”

“We are now moving Josh to the intense care unit. You can visit him there. I will come back for you when he’s situated. “ The doctor didn’t wait for Tyler to answer and went back to the operating room.

Tyler slumped further into his seat, head hidden in his hands. He suddenly felt so alone, like he had absolutely no one in the world. The prospect of losing his best friend went through his bones like a chilling wind.  The past 8 months have been absolute hell, not knowing weather Josh was alive or not and what was being done to him. The hope that he’s alive and will come back home has been alive, barely, but yet it was there. But now that his best friend was on the very edge between life and death Tyler felt incredibly lonely and so tired. If he lost Josh now he knew he wouldn’t be able to live past it. It would destroy him completely.

A hand was hugging Tyler over his shoulders, giving him a tiny bit of comfort. Mark has moved from his seat and scooped up close to him.

“ It’s okay, Ty” Mark whispered in his year” The worst is behind us okay ? He’s here, we’ve got Josh back, and that’s all that matters. He’ll fight through this and we’ll be right here to help him. Soon we’ll go home and everything will be alright” Tyler was nodding, even though he didn’t fully believe Mark’s words. The worst wasn’t over, it won’t be until Tyler sees Josh smiling and laughing again. _If that ever happens_ he thought as the iron grip of misery on his heart tightened. How can a person be happy again after all that pain and fear? 

A woman’s voice pulled Tyler out of his thoughts

“ You can follow me now” the doctor from before was back and looking expectantly at Tyler. He stood up, holding onto Mark for support as they both followed the woman to the second floor of the building.

This hospital was far from what Tyler was used to seeing back in the States. It was very crowded, loud and hot. Injured people were all over the place as the hospital was obviously too small to contain so many patients.  He tried not to stare at people too much, but he couldn’t help but notice a kid who’s entire leg from knee down was gone. There was blood on the floor, but the kid wasn’t crying or screaming, it just sat there on the floor looking lost and afraid, holding onto the bloody gauzes. Tyler wanted to cry. The situation was similar on the second floor, where people – young and old were lying and sitting on the floor or on dirty mats, the rooms were crowded with far too many beds.  Moans and screams of pain were freezing Tyler’s blood and he never wanted to be somewhere else on the Planet in his entire life.

They stopped in front of a room down the hall. There was a window on the door so Tyler could see 6 beds, containing critically injured patients lying there, motionless.  His knees were shaking, a bile rising in his throat, making it hard to swallow. After a few seconds of scanning the room his gaze stopped at a bed in the corner, where a figure with a wild dark brown hair and bandaged up right arm was lying. Tyler took a deep breath, looking at the doctor, waiting for permission to come inside.

“You can go inside” She said “ You can stay by your friend’s side, but we are not expecting him to wake up any time soon. If he wakes up it’s best if you call someone to attend to him, because considering his injuries he will be in a lot of pain. There isn’t much we can do right now but wait.”

“Is he in pain now ? Can he feel anything ? “ this question tormented Tyler so he had to ask

“ As longs as he is not conscious he shouldn’t be able to feel anything. But it’s difficult to say. His heart rate is high, so that might mean he can feel or hear things.

“Can he hear me ? If I talk to him, will he hear me ?” 

“Maybe. Like I said, it’s very difficult to say”

“ What … uh .. what are his injuries ? “ Tyler was scared to ask this question, but he needed to know. Josh looked really hurt, but he needed to know exactly how hurt he was. It felt important somehow.

“ Multiple” said the doctor and her expression became sympathetic for a second. “ Broken ribs, almost all of them are broken or have been in the past, internal bleeding, collapsed lung due to the broken ribs piercing his left lung, we had to take out his spleen and his bladder was ruptured as well. Both of his shoulders are dislocated and … well the list goes on, Mr. Joseph.  It’s long “ She paused and looked  Tyler in the eyes.  “ Pray” she said. “ Pray that his mind heals along with his body. “ Than she smiled briefly and left Tyler outside the door, with a shocked Mark by his side.

Mark put his hand of Tyler’s shoulder and said

“ You can go inside and see him if you want. I’ll wait out here” Tyler didn’t know what he wanted. He didn’t really want to be alone right now, but he also wanted to see Josh in privacy. So he just nodded, not really able to make decisions right now.  Mark hugged him again and moved towards the benches outside the room to sit. Tyler closed his eyes and took a deep breath, than let it out and pushed the door open.

The room was dark and quiet, except the quiet beeping of mashines. There were two rows of beds on both sides of the room, with little space in between them, just enough for a person to walk. Tyler walked slowly towards the bed by the window in the further corner of the room. When he reached it a new waves of tears rushed into his eyes. Josh was lying on his back, shirtless and bandages heavily. Even though he wasn't awake his face was not relaxed, Tyler noticed, as if he was still in pain. When the singer neared the bed he could see the tracks of tears on Josh's face, which forced his own to escape his eyes. A big tube went into his mouth and disapperared there, the other end connected to a machine near by. His chest was rising and falling rapidly and his pulse was racing. One of Josh's hands had a loose grip on the sheet covering his lower body, making Tyler feel even more sick.  He must've been in so much pain , still must be even though the drummer couldnt voice it. God Tyler wanted to scream, punch , kick and tear something. His own chest was tight and breathing properly was almost impossible. How could his best friend get so badly hurt and why ? Out of all people Tyler knew Josh deserved it the least. With his kind heart and child like innocense he was the literal embodiment of a sunshine. Someone who never hurt a soul in his life and has always showed kindness even to those who never did return it.

And here he was lying in the small hospital bed, helpless and on the brink between life and death. Tyler sat down on his bed and couldnt help but let out a few stray sobs. He softly patted Josh's cheek and whipped his tears, and than slowly and carefully lowered himself to kiss his friend's forehead. Josh steered slightly , his pulse rising and fingers twitching. Tyler slowly combed a few stray curls out of his face, keeping the soothing motion.

"Shhhh" he whispered " Its okay now. You're going to be okay, Joshie." his voice was shaking even as he whispered, but if he spoke out loud he knew it would definitely break.  Tyler was breaking too, he was falling apart at the sight before him. "I will keep you safe, J. I will take care of you” Tyler was whispering quietly while Josh’s pulse was growing even faster.  Fresh tears were running down the drummer’s face and Tyler wondered if they were due to the pain he was in or maybe he could hear Tyler’s words in his ear. “ I know you can hear me, I just know it, J. You’re so strong, so fucking brave…. I’ve missed you so much, Josh.  You have no idea how hard everything has been” now Tyler was whipping his own tears. He lied down next to the shaking man on the bed and pressed himself to his side, hoping he wasn’t hurting him.  “ If you can hear me, I hope you know that I’m so proud of you, J. And you’re going to be okay, I will be right here next to you, no matter what”  Tyler couldn’t take it anymore and the tears and sobs that followed drowned every other sound in the room.  Than through the tears he could feel a cold shaky hand on his own and realized it was Josh who tried to sooth him somehow. That made him cry even harder, so he curled up on himself, facing Josh and buried his face in his friend’s shoulder. 

Tyler cried until he couldn’t anymore, the emotions that built inside him for so many months were pouring out like a tidal wave which drained him emotionally and left him absolutely exhausted. The last thing he remembered before he fell asleep was Josh’s hand on his own and the feel of his friend’s  strong heartbeat through the shattered ribs, reminding him that strength wasn’t a matter of physical capacity and wasn’t measured by the weight a man can lift. “ _Strength is born in the deep silence of long-suffering hearts; not amid joy_ ”  his grandfather used to say.  That kind of quiet strength was something Tyler has always admired and the steady heartbeat in his ear was another proof of that.

Josh was _strong_. He was going to make it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys liked it, please let me know what you think about the way the story goes so far. I accept criticism, so if you think that something is incorrect or badly written please let me know :) I'm already writing chapter 12 and it's from Josh's point of view :)
> 
> you can come and say hi on my blog here : http://i-m-a-goner-takeitslow.tumblr.com/  
> I'd love to have any kind of feedback or ideas :) Or if you just want to come say hi :)


	12. Long way home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler is trying and failing to cope with the hellish situation

Josh spent most of the time dozing in and out of consciousness, with very little awareness of what was happening with him. After he got taken out of the truck and moved into what looked like a hospital things were happening too fast for his still foggy brain to catch up on. There were noises around him, people talking , screaming, poking at him. Machines were beeping, needles were piercing his skin, hands were taking off his clothes. It was all too fast, all too blurry for him to react, but he was scared and disoriented, clinging to the hope that Tyler’s face, the one he saw before he passed out wasn’t just a dream and he was actually there. That thought alone made him feel at least a little bit of comfort amidst all the fear and white hot agony taking over his body. 

The doctors must’ve given him something for the pain because now it was more like an ache , spread throughout his entire body. It wasn’t sharp or burning like it has been for the past God knows how many days, but whenever he came to it he was aching and hurting but without the voice to complain or ask for more medication. He wasn’t even fully awake. His mind was working , as well as his senses, but he couldn’t force himself to open his eyes or move his muscles.  It felt like being stuck between living and dying and not going into either direction. Josh wasn’t even sure which direction he wanted to take right now.  Life would mean waking up to a world full of pain he wasn’t sure he could handle right now. Even if he was out of the terrorist’s reach his body was already far too damaged to function properly , a result of months and months of relentless and never ending torture. Surviving this whole ordeal would mean dealing with the consequences which was almost as bad as the torture itself.  Not only his body was violated and mutilated, but his dignity also stripped away from the never ending humiliation he was subjected to.  And living with all of that would be a quiet hell, especially since he has lost his voice as well. 

But surviving would mean he would see Tyler again. Hug him even. For so long that has been Josh’s only dream, the only thing keeping him sane. Tyler needed him, Josh reminded himself. He was fragile and just too good for this world. People often didn’t understand him and that hurt Josh a lot.  They often didn’t see his beautiful heart past all of his insecurities and the singer would pour all of his pent up emotions into songs that made Josh cry more often than he would ever admit.  Memories were flooding his still too foggy brain, but he welcomed them. He needed something to hold on to,  while the ground was slipping from underneath his unsteady feet.  For so long he couldn’t tell what was real and what made up by his haunted and exhausted brain, memories would all blur together and stop making sense. The only clear memory being Tyler and his warm smile, his laugh and his cold hands that stayed that way even during the warmest days of summer. 

Josh regained consciousness just in time to feel someone opening his mouth and pushing something into it. He gagged and coughed , the unfamiliar and hard object pushing forcefully into his throat by a set of hands, while another was keeping him down by the shoulders so he couldn’t move.  Instant panic flared deep inside his chest as he desperately tried to escape the hands holding him down. His broken ribs protested painfully, as well as the dislocated shoulders burning from the strain. His weak body couldn’t put up much fight , so in the end the object, what felt like a tube was pushed deep into his throat, scraping his inner walls painfully. Tears were rolling down his cheeks and he cursed himself again for being so weak.  All he did was fucking cry and honestly he was so sick of it. 

Surprisingly the tube made his breathing a bit easier as it brought a wave of oxygen he couldn’t possibly inhale before.  It also brought relief and a sense of lightness he didn’t think was possible a few minutes ago, as his lungs greedily sucked in the precious air. Hands were moving him again and Josh wanted to protest, but the amazing feeling of finally _breathing_ was overtaking his senses. He was given more painkillers, adding to the already floaty feeling in his entire body.  His bed was moving and then stopping somewhere a lot darker than the previous room. It was also more quiet there so he let the silence and the blissful pain-free feeling take him away back to unconsciousness.

That feeling didn’t last long for Josh, who steered some time later woken by the pain in his chest , amplified by the high fever burning him up and the unbearable thirst.  He was still not completely awake, the heavy medications keeping his mind fuzzy and barely alert, but his body was _feeling_ and of course it was, Josh thought, he just couldn’t catch a break. This time though the room wasn’t as quiet and he could hear someone sniffing quietly beside him.  The same someone was also touching his hair, moving it out of his face in a soothing pattern. The gentleness in the touching hand didn’t even startle Josh which was rare these days, since any human contact usually flared panic deep in his gut.  The hand was feather light, whipping his tears and touching his hair and it was amazing. Josh wanted to open his eyes, to look at the person beside him, touching him with his cold hand. The hands that always stayed cold, even during the hottest summers. _Please let me open my eyes_ Josh prayed, _God I want to see him, please, let me see Tyler._ The bed dipped beside him and the person lied down next to Josh, curling up and crying quietly. He knew it was Tyler, the quiet presence of his best friend was unmistakable. Even though he was still in pain and barely awake Josh needed to reassure him that he knows Tyler’s there and he’s endlessly grateful.  Gritting his teeth the drummer lifted his right hand and put it over Tyler’s, the movement sending sparks of pain to his dislocated shoulder.  Their hands were almost equally cold , but Tyler’s was shaking more. _It’s okay,_ Josh thought, _everything will be okay now_ as the other hand squeezed his and darkness decided to swallow him back

********************

 

Tyler was torn out of sleep violently by a loud choking sound, coming from the figure lying next to him on the bed. He needed a couple of seconds to find his bearings and to remember where he was and what was he doing there. When his brained kicked in his reaction was immidiate, his hands flying to Josh's face. The drummer was shaking and gasping trough the tube in his mouth. Something was deffinitely wrong with it and Josh was choking violently.

" Josh? Oh God whats wrong ? " he jumped off the bed and literally ran out of the narrow room and into the corridor screaming for a doctor

"Someone please help " ! Tyler was running down the corridor but all he could see were dozens of injured people scattered everywhere, making it difficult for him to navigate down the hall. "please, please " he was saying quietly, chanting it like a prayer as chaos unruled around him. Even if there were doctors around they were too busy attending all the hurt people sitting or lying everywhere. Babies were crying so loud he thought he might go deaf from the noise.

"Someone PLEAESE" Tyler yelled as he ran down the stairs to the first floor. Someone ran into him and almost knocked him off his feet. Tyler was ready to attack whoever tackled him down, but two hands were holding his shoulders two seconds later and a worried Mark was staring at him

" Ty, whats wrong ? Why were you screaming ? " Mark was shaking him slightly, but Tyler was so busy panicking his words came out a jumbled mess

" Josh... God... We need doctor... He's, he's choking , we need someone... Someone has to help him.." Mark instntly let go of Tyler and frantically looked around. The first floor was even worse, blood was everywhere people were being brought in so fast the ER could barely contain eveyone.

"There has been an attack" Mark cried out helplessly " oh fuck this is bad, really bad.. Just stay here Ty okay ? I'll find someone , but you have to stay here and wait for me"  Mark barely waited for Tyler to nod his confirmation and ran off to the busiest ER section.

Everything was so chaotic, so loud and crazy Tyler felt his head spinning and knees give in. He sunk down to the floor, holding himself on all fours and fighting the urge to puke. There was a pudlle of blood underneath him, probably from some poor injured soul, painting his hands and jeans in crimson. As Tyler fought to find his breath and stop his stomach from emtying itself right there on the dirty hospital floor, among the dead and dying,  he felt like whatever God existed in this universe has abandoned him. And the only thing he could think of in that very moment was to lock his bloodied hands together , close his eyes and pray.

Moments or maybe hours later a pair of strong hands was lifting him off the ground and leading him somewhere, out of the hospital and into the warmth of the afternoon sun.  Tyler wanted to protest, but all the horrors he witnessed in the hospital has weakened his resolve to do anything, but curl up and cry himself to oblivion.  The hands were steady, walking him to a car, loading him inside and staying heavy on his shoulder the entire ride. He kind of came to it a while later, when his eyes snapped open, heavy eyelids feeling like lead.  Taking in his surroundings he realized he was half lying half sitting on a sofa in a hotel room, his hotel room as Tyler noticed. It was quiet and dark, curtains pulled all the way down, but there was definitely someone else in the suite and Tyler could hear them move in the other room.  Still shaky he stood up from the couch and moved towards the kitchen, where clattering sounds suggested someone was making food.

When Tyler walked into the kitchen Richard was standing by the counter, preparing a meal. He looked tired and worn out, like he hasn’t slept for days which was probably pretty close to the truth. At first the taller man didn’t notice Tyler’s appearance , but when he turned around to put the dishes on the table he spotted the awkwardly hovering in the doorway man and smiled at him.

“ Hey Tyler. I’m glad you’re awake. How are you feeling ? “ Tyler was too dumbstruck to answer and just opened his mouth a couple of times and closed it. “ I’m sorry; you’re probably confused why I’m here. I hope you don’t mind I made you some food, you look like you haven’t eaten properly in days “ which was true and Tyler’s stomach churned in time with Richard’s words. “ Come on Tyler, sit down and have something to eat and I will tell you what’s happening.  Okay? “ Tyler made his way to the closest chair and sat down heavily. Why was he in his hotel room? Why was Richard in his hotel room ? Where was Josh ? oh God Josh …..  what happened back at the hospital ?

“ Josh is okay “ as if reading Tyler’s mind, that was the first thing Richard said after putting his own plate on the table. “ Don’t worry, he will be okay. The specialists from America arrived today and they are taking care of him right now. He’s in good hands, Tyler, don’t worry. The American ambassador, mr. Javaal is there and so is your friend Mark.  Josh is in good hands. “

“Ughh .. why am I here though ? “

“ You had a panic attack, which is perfectly understandable , considering the recent events.  You probably haven’t slept for days. Your body can only handle that much” and Richard looked like he hasn’t slept for days too, but Tyler was too busy worrying about Josh to actually ask anything.

“ I’m fine, just a bit tired… I .. I don’t remember much , I remember waking up to Josh choking next to me so I go scared and ran down to find a doctor… and … I .. “ Tyler put his head in his hands and closed his eyes. Visions of injured people , lying helplessly in their own blood made his chest feel tight once again” There were so many people, they were injured and I tried to find a doctor, but I couldn’t and then ..I just don’t know what happened. I’m sorry” he felt so weak, so fucking pathetic.  Why was his mind such a mess ? Why did it always give in whenever he needed to be strong ?

“ Tyler” Richard’s voice was quiet and dripping with sympathy. “ It’s okay to be scared. It’s perfectly normal to feel lost and afraid. This is not a situation you can just walk into and be a hero that saves the day.   You’re beating yourself up about this aren’t you ?

“ I … you don’t understand… he’s my best friend. He’s the person who has always been there for me and I feel like I’m failing him right now. I can’t be strong, I can’t be brave , I just can’t keep it together”  his voice was shaking again, tears blurring his vision

“ Josh will need you while he’s recovering from this ordeal.  Right now there’s plenty of people who take care of him and help him through this, but once you go back home you will be the most important person in his recovery. “ that didn’t make Tyler feel any better, but the thought that a lot of people were engaged in Josh’s rescue gave him some sense of comfort. “ I suggest you get some sleep and food into your system. Josh is being prepared for the flight back to America, but we’ll have to wait until we get the green light.

“And how long will that take ? “

“It’s tough to say, but I hope you’ll be able to take off in the morning” 

The very thought that they will leave this hell hole in the morning seemed almost unbelievable and Tyler decided not to get his hopes too high. Something could always go wrong , like it has in the past so he kept his hopes small.

“Can I see Josh ?” that’s all Tyler could think about. He just needed to make sure his friend was alive and okay, that no one has kidnapped him again while he was sleeping.

“ You can, of course, but I would advise you to have some rest now. He is being taken care of and there’s very little you can do for him right now. He’s not awake so he can’t really acknowledge your presence and being there will only make you more worked up. “

“I don’t think I can sleep” Tyler said honestly.  Sleeping while Josh was somewhere being “taken care” of wasn’t an option. He wanted to go see Josh and be by his side, but the latest experience made him feel absolutely useless, like he would just faint if something happened instead of helping.

“Well in that case just rest. Mark will join you soon, so you won’t be alone.  I will call you whenever the plane is ready to leave so you should probably gather your stuff just in case.” With that Richard stood up from his chair and moved to Tyler, to give him a friendly pat on the shoulder. “All of this will be over soon. Just hang on”  he took his coat and quietly left the hotel suite.

*********************************

Tyler said he wasn’t going to sleep, but the moment he lied down on his hotel bed he literally blacked out.  He wasn’t sleeping peacefully thought, his mind was plagued with nightmares and horrifying images he couldn’t get out of his head. He woke up many times during the evening and night, one of those times being after Mark came in and lied down next to him.  The call they’ve been waiting for arrived early in the morning while it was still dark outside. Josh was ready to travel, hopefully strong enough to endure the long flight. The plane was a medical one, equipped with everything needed in a situation so critical. The doctors – 10 altogether were all professionals, Tyler personally made sure only the best specialists took care of Josh.

Tyler, Mark and Mr. Javaal all arrived at the airport about 30 minutes before takeoff, Richard was also there to say goodbye. Josh’s parents were also informed that their son was found alive , but in seriously injured state and he will arrive within the next 24 hours to US ground.  Tyler tried to keep the news out of the media’s reach and asked everyone involved not to tell anyone besides their closest relatives and friends they could really trust. The last thing Josh needed right now was all the media attention that would rain down on them if the news about his return would spread. It would all eventually come out, of course they couldn’t keep it a secret for too long, but right now they needed the peace and quiet, especially Josh.  

Goodbyes were emotional and even teary, Tyler almost falling to his knees trying to thank Richard for all the help and support he has provided. This stranger, a person he has met a handful of times has risked his own life and wellbeing in order to help the two out of the hellish situation. Tyler told him he was always welcome to his home, always free to come to the US and stay as long as he wanted.

Richard hugged Tyler, long and hard and suddenly Tyler wanted to cry like a baby.

“I will call you after you settle down a bit “ Richard promised, patting Tyler’s back “  There are some things I need to show you, but now is not the time. For now just take care of yourself and your friend, you have both been through too much.  It’s going to be hard, but Josh is tough and brave and so are you” Tyler whipped his face with his sleeve and nodded. Josh was strong , indeed. He knew that his best friend was a lot tougher than people gave him credit for. But Tyler … he was as stable as a house of cards, built on ice. The weakest blow of wind could tear him apart and leave him completely scattered.

“Thank you” Tyler whispered, a word he has said probably a hundred times for the past hour, but he felt like he needed to say it again, just to make sure it translated his gratefulness.

When everything was ready he went on board and sat down next to Josh on a chair, holding his hand and patting his hair.  This was going to be a long and tough road, Tyler thought to himself as he followed the pattern of bruises and scars all over his best friend’s skin. And he wasn’t sure if the prayer back in the hospital has helped or this was just a coincidence, but he still locked his hands around Josh’s and prayed to God and to heaven above and the entire Universe to provide him with enough strength and courage, so that he could give it all to Josh as his path to recovery was about to begin.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is sort of a transition towards the next part of this story. I hope that things are not moving too slow or too fast. I appreciate all the comments and kudos and this story has become so important to me. Im glad you guys enjoy it so far and I promise to update real soon :)


	13. You don't know the half of the abuse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is mostly Josh having a flashback and Tyler trying to comfort him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter might be a bit confusing, but since it's from Josh's point of view and he's really confused it's completely normal. Just so you know this takes place right after they come back home.
> 
> It's not exactly triggering, but just in case I'll warn you for a semi-graphic description of violence and past physical and psychological abuse. I hope this came out okay and didn't confuse you too much.

_Josh’s bare knees were scraping painfully on the rough stone ground, the skin already raw and chapped from the continuing kneeling as he tried to find a less painful way to hold his own weight up. It was mostly fear that kept him from losing his pose , the painful burn of muscles and joints screaming at him to stop kneeling and just **lie down!!** , but the loud crack of a whip behind him re-fueled the fear of punishment and forced him to keep his kneeling position on the dirty ground. _ _It definitely didn’t help that his hands were bound uncomfortably behind his back, forcing his spine in a straight line,  the iron wire cutting into his already raw wrists.  The pain did have it’s positive sides, Josh thought bitterly,  since it kept him from falling asleep.  He’d spent long excruciating ours in the same position, the lack of sleep or any kind of rest bringing his body to the brink of exhaustion.  His breath was fast and shallow, fear overpowering every other sense in his body. He’d been whipped mercilessly every time he shifted on the ground by mistake, lost his balance or fallen asleep due to exhaustion._

_Josh could feel the person behind him move, circling him slowly, like a predator.  His movements were quiet and precise, threatening and terrifying at the same time. He brushed the whip’s tail in between Josh’s shoulder blades, where two deep welts were marking his skin. The bound man shuddered and shook harder than a second ago, squeezing his eyes shut.  The man behind him kept playing with him, sliding the tail along his back, irritating the bruised and occasionally bloodied skin. Josh knew it was a trick to make him lose his balance and make a move, so the guard could punish him by striking and breaking his skin with the unforgiving whip._

_Despite his best efforts to stay still and grit his teeth through the pain in his sore muscles,  the lack of sleep was something he was helpless against.  His brain would just shut off, even if it was just for a few seconds it was enough to make his muscles relax and lose his posture on his knees.  That resulted in an agonizing beating session with the whip , that made Josh scream and fold in on himself._

_There was nowhere to hide, no way to protect himself from the harsh beating and Josh felt so helpless and exposed it was driving him mad.  His captors took everything he owned the first day he got chained up in his cell, along with his clothes.  Humiliation was burning his skin, as he was forced to stay naked in front of all these strangers who made it even worse by touching him in places he didn’t want to be touched._

_Josh’s whole body was shaking  from both the cold on his uncovered skin and the blood freezing fear. He absolutely hated himself for making his fear so obvious for his captors to see, but no matter how hard he gritted his teeth or clenched his fists he couldn’t stop the tremors from shaking his body.  Showing weakness was one of the things Josh hated the most and not because he was proud or thought too much of himself, but because the shame that it brought was worse than any physical punishment.  And the people who kept him hostage must’ve known that , because they found new ways to humiliate him over and over again._

_Like the time he was made to crawl on the floor like a dog, being pulled by a chain attached to the heavy metal collar on his neck.  If that wasn’t bad enough they also put a muzzle over his mouth and nose, forcing him to wear it all the time, while they dragged him around the establishment for everyone to laugh.  He was then brought to the place where all the real dogs slept and eaten and left him there. The dogs were violent and brutal, barking at him and biting whenever he moved from his spot and into their territory.  He had to eat their food and drink from their water, but that was almost impossible since the dogs fought viciously whoever neared their bowls. For weeks Josh only drank water whenever the dogs weren’t around or weren’t paying attention and ate as rare as once or twice a week, just barely enough to keep him alive.  He slept on the bare ground, surrounded by urine and waste and spent his days in the corner of the den, terrified that the dogs will decide to attack him and eat him alive. Although the more time he spent there, the more appealing that thought sounded, which was also terrifying.  Those few weeks with the dogs were the worst in his entre life and if he had to choose between dying and going back there he would choose death, for sure._

_Josh must’ve gotten too caught up in his thoughts because the next moment he felt the scorching pain of a whip colliding with skin and cried out from both surprise and pain. Another crack echoed through the room and new white hot pain laced through his already bruised right shoulder. He slumped forward, his bound hands straining painfully behind him as he curled in on himself, in attempt to protect whatever he could. Another whiplash landed straight on his back, opening a deep wound._

_“ GET UP”the guard roared and kept hitting his shoulders and back, overloading his senses with agonizing pain that doubled with every hit that followed._

_Josh had half a mind to push himself up from the ground and regain the kneeling position, knees bloody, whole body shaking with fear and pain.  He was crying now, another thing the drummer absolutely hated doing in front of people, but with the agony too great to stand he couldn’t help himself.  His breath was coming out ragged and cut off by silent sobs, head bowed down and unwilling to look at his torturer in the eyes._

_“ You americans think you so good huh ? “ The guard was said with a mocking tone “ You act touch and like you not scared of a damn thing” his accent was terrible, not that it mattered to Josh right now. “ Why are you crying now huh ? Are you afraid ? “ the man ran the tail of the whip over Josh’s  face, who flinched away and earned a hard slap to his right cheek. Another one followed, stronger this time and sent Josh down to the ground , landing on his right side._

_Falling down meant that he broke his kneeling position, which was followed by more whipping all over his exposed left side, landing the whip on his hip, ribs, arm and face. The guard was screaming something at him, but he either spoke Arabian, or Josh was too far gone to understand human speech._

_It was too much, the pain was burning him alive and he was screaming as loud as he could, screams mixed with sobs and jumbled words. He was begging and it was so humiliating and felt so **wrong** , but he couldn’t , he couldn’t take it he couldn’t take it he couldn’t take it …. _

_Hands were grabbing him, trying to pull him up from the ground and suffocating him with fear._

_“Please don’t. Please don’t…., I’m sorry, please I’m sorry” he was crying as the hands kept pulling him, trying to uncurl him from his position on the ground.  He wanted to disappear, to be gone, to be dead …_

“Josh ! “ Someone was calling his name and the familiarity of the voice felt like a slap in the face.  “ Josh please… please look at me “ the voice was shaky and thick with tears, begging him with a desperate tone” You’re okay, it’s okay, it’s okay “ hands were hugging him now, their softness soothing but oh so unfamiliar. “ Please be okay Josh, please, please wake up, God please” and the broken tone was the thing that finally brought Josh to his senses,  making him jolt so hard he knocked the person holding him flying to the ground.

He was in a room, a real room with furniture, bed and a carpet on the floor, lights turned on so brightly they were blinding him.  Josh instinctively scrambled to his knees, still too caught up in the terror that was freezing his blood for the past 8 months and squeezed his eyes shut.  He expected someone to hit him, to put him down on the ground and beat him until he couldn’t even beg for mercy, but instead soft hands were cupping his face, making his eyes shot open.

Tyler was staring at him with wide shocked eyes, full of so much fear and sadness Josh had to look away.  The younger man was kneeling in front of him, with tears in his eyes and on his face, clothes wrinkled like he just woke up from sleep. His hands were caressing Josh’s face , as if afraid he might hurt him if he applied any pressure. Josh was still panting, the horror of the memory he just experienced still fresh in his mind.  His heart was racing and tears were rushing to his eyes when realization of what’s happening hit him.

Without thinking the drummer lunched forward and threw his crippled hands around Tyler’s shoulders and sobbed so hard his whole body shook violently. He was safe, he was with Tyler, this wasn’t a dream, it wasn’t a trap. He was _safe._

Josh felt Tyler’s body rock with sobs as well and his heart hurt at the thought that he got his best friend so scared and upset.  But the sole fact that he was holding him, filled him with so much joy his heart was going to burst. He was _hugging **his** Tyler. **Finally**_

They both stood there intertwined, holding, hugging, crying. It went on for a while, until Josh’s body suddenly decided to remind him how wrecked it is  and sent him gasping to the ground, only Tyler’s hands around his middle holding him somewhat up.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay, let’s just slow down, alright? “ Tyler slowly lowered Josh to the ground and helped him lie down, just in time with someone walking into the room. That sent Josh into full blown panic as he scrambled to half crawl half drag himself towards the bed.

Terrified of being hurt by the unfamiliar person Josh  hid under the bed and curled into himself as best as he could with all the injuries causing him pain.  A part of his brain, the rational one, was telling him that Tyler would never let anything happen to him and he was probably safe, but the other part, where all the fear and hurt was stored was ringing bells and alarms for him to _run away_ , _hide while he could_ , to **_save himself._**

He could see Tyler’s feet move along the floor as he moved to talk to the person who walked in. After a short conversation the other person left and Tyler came close to Josh’s bed and kneeled down.

“Josh ? “ Tyler whispered, his voice still shot from all the crying just minutes ago” You’re safe now, aright ? No one is here to hurt you, you’re back home and safe. I’m here” he gave Josh a weak smile “ I’ll always be here, I will always protect you, okay ?I’m here and I’ve got you” and since Tyler’s voice was the only familiar thing Josh knew right now it was calming enough for him to open his eyes and uncurl himself , groaning from the pain the movement caused.

“That’s it, J. Can you come out of there by yourself or do you need me to help you ? “ Tyler was reaching out towards Josh, his shaking hands ready to pull his best friend out from underneath the furniture. Josh didn’t really want to get out from under the bed that provided him the sense of safety he’s been lacking for too long, but the prospect of ending up back in Tyler’s warm and welcoming arms was too tempting.  So Josh slowly crawled out , barely holding himself up and as soon as Tyler’s hands embraced him he collapsed into the younger man’s arms.

“ Everything will be alright, J, you’ll see. I will help you , I’ll be here every step of the way. You’ll be okay” Tyler spoke quietly as he put Josh’s head in his lap. He was grateful that Tyler didn’t make him climb back to bed, because the pain in his injured body was too much. They just lied down on the ground, Tyler cradling his head , his nimble fingers playing with Josh’s dark brown curls. “ You don’t have to be afraid anymore, Josh.  You don’t have to hide. You’ve got me, right ? I’ll protect you. I will always protect you” and in that moment, while Tyler was kissing his forehead with all the love and care he could muster Josh believed him.  He felt protected and safe, so warm and comfortable it was almost unbearable. This is the feeling he always wants to feel, Josh thought to himself. Just _.. this._

The pain was still radiating through his bones, but Josh welcomed it.  The ground was cold beneath him, but Tyler kept him warm. It reminded him of the old days, when they’d spent long and cold nights in the van or in freezing motel rooms, relying on each other’s warmth completely.  It felt good to be in that position again, Tyler’s body pressed tightly against him, feeling him breathe in a calming rhythm.  Glimpses of hospitals and airplanes were sparkling in his mind, memories all jumbled together like a messed up puzzle that missed a bunch of pieces.  Josh decided he will piece that puzzle together another time, when his mind wasn’t so tired. Falling asleep in Tyler’s arms was all he wanted to do right now so he did, with a big part of him afraid that he’ll wake up back in the tiny freezing cell all alone again.  So he hugged Tyler even closer and cherished the moments of warmth and comfort, enjoying the soft humming sound his friend made in response.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this was a bit intense, please let me know what you think and if it made sense at all. I was having a bit of a hard time writing this, since most of the flashbacks Josh is having are based on real life events and things that really happened to people. So yeah, I hope you enjoyed this short chapter and more is coming real soon :))
> 
> all of your comments make me want to scream with happiness, so thank you so so SO much for taking the time.  
> oh and don't forget to come and say hi on Tumblr ^_^ i-m-a-goner-takeitslow.tumblr.com


	14. I'm so very far from fine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter might be triggering or upsetting so please be careful. There's a flashback later on which consists of violence and sexual abuse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's almost 4am and I'm tired and sad. This is the result.
> 
> I'm sorry it took so long to update, but I hope you enjoy this chapter

When Tyler tried to imagine his life after him and Josh came back from Syria he knew it would be bad. He was prepared for PSTD and panic attacks, nightmares and night errors. Well at least he thought he was prepared. The heavy reality of the situation crushed all of his expectations and hopes, breaking his already bleeding heart. The only good thing and the thing Tyler tried keep his focus on was the fact that Josh was home and Tyler could take care of him. He couldn’t really do much for Josh, right now the toughest job was the one the doctors and psychotherapists at the hospital he stayed had, but at least he could be there for him, holding his hand and giving him endless emotional support. And God did Josh need it.

  
The nightmares were absolutely horrifying. They would come whenever Josh fell asleep and didn’t end when he woke up. It seemed that he relieved something truly terrifying, sending him into heavy panic attack that would only end when he’s given heavy sedatives. Tyler has tried to calm him down, to talk him through, but it seemed that Josh couldn’t hear him, gripped by fear and panic. It has gotten to the point where Tyler was afraid to fall asleep, constantly alert and listening for signs of an upcoming nightmare. Since Josh couldn’t scream or talk he would make these gasping and wheezing noises, as if he was being strangled or choking for air. Sometimes his trashing would result in falling off his bed and hurting his broken bones or open wounds that had difficulty healing anyway. They tired restraining him for the night , while he was on sedatives and didn’t understand what was happening, but the struggling that usually followed would result in more bruises on already damaged wrists. So Tyler has taken the role of a guardian, trying to keep Josh from hurting himself while going through a violent nightmare, after which he often ended up with scratches all over his arms and face. It was even worse when Josh would wake up in the morning and realize he was the one that caused those.  
It was incredibly difficult for Josh’s parents too, witnessing all of this terror, but helpless to do anything to take their son’s pain away. They would stay at his sight during the day, when Josh was more or less alert and responsive, reading to him, telling him stories from his childhood and past he hadn’t fully remembered yet. He couldn’t speak and sometimes he looked so distanced, so dethatched they wondered if he can even hear them.

  
Tyler tried to give them as much support as he could muster, knowing their pain, because he shared it with them. But he was suffering just a much, the unbearable sight of his suffering friend brought its own nightmares.

  
The first week back home was the worst, Tyler was certain of that. After the exhausting flight from the other side of the world Josh was immediately admitted to the hospital for treatment. He had multiple surgeries the first few days, as soon as his body was strong enough to handle them. His spleen was removed, along with his left kidney that was too damaged to work and would only cause him pain and trouble. His collapsed left lung was operated as well and a tube was now making its way out of Josh’s body, through his ribs and into a machine near his bed. The worst of his wounds were stitched up and some of them were left to heal on their own, like the ones around his neck, wrists and ankles. Tyler had a hard time listening to the doctor talk about Josh’s right arm, which was completely crippled by the removal of skin, the removal of his tattoo Tyler’s brain kept reminding him, the thought alone making him want to vomit. There was an option of transplanting skin from a donor and hope it would be received well by his body, but that would be done when he’s stronger and healthier. For now, his hand would stay bandaged , the gauzes being changed every day to avoid complications. His dislocated shoulders were relocated back into their place, but there was a deeper problem, caused by the multiple dislocations that caused the joint to change its shape and not fit into its place. That added to the long list of injuries that made Tyler’s head and heart hurt. One of the things that bothered him the most though, besides the life threatening injuries were Josh’s vocal cords and his ability to communicate. It was so difficult being so close to his friend, but not being able to receive answers even to the simplest questions. “How are you feeling today ? “ or “Are you in pain “ or “ Did you sleep last night” “Are you hungry” …. All of those being answered by blinking or nodding his head. Josh couldn’t write, his fingers were all broken – some of them recently, others a while ago, but they all hurt and he couldn’t hold a pen , nor type on a keyboard. The thought of how that made Josh feel, trapped, lonely and probably hurt kept Tyler up at night. God it was all so unfair, so fucking unfair it drove Tyler into madness. Why Josh of all people had to endure all of that ? Why not Tyler ? He’d take Josh’s place any time, at any moment if he had the opportunity, just to spare him some of that pain. It was all a huge nightmare, the first week full of nerves, surgeries and never ending night terrors, prayers and curses. And despite it all, despite all the pain he had to endure and all the tears he cried during that week Josh still kept his kindness and grace, something Tyler could never fully comprehend.  
A testament to that was the fact that everyone in the intense care unit fell in love with Josh sooner or later during his stay. All the nurses, doctors and patients were captured by his charisma and kind nature, despite his disability to speak. Tyler has always said that pure kindness, like the one Josh possessed spoke for itself and didn’t need words. He’d remembered the way dr. Morgan has spoken about Josh, with such care and adoration and she only knew him for a handful of days. Or the genuine way Richard helped him get out of the dangerous situation, telling Tyler to take care of Josh because his friend was worth fighting for. And now, while lying in the hospital literally torn apart he was still silently kind, showing it in different ways and forms. For example when a little girl was brought in, with nasty dog bites and had to be stitched Josh made funny faces to distract her from the scary ordeal and made her smile and giggle. And after that he shared his chocolate pudding with her to make her happy and see her smile again. That made everyone around him smile as well and it actually made Tyler cry because once again he asked the same question that’s been driving him mad – Why Josh ?

  
At first he’d only let Tyler touch him and would shy away from any physical contact, but with his best friend’s help he opened up to the doctors and nursed as well. His condition has definitely had an impact on everyone around him, including the hospital personnel, some of his injuries bringing up scary and painful questions. What has been done to him to inflict so much trauma? With that in mind everyone treated him gently and with a huge amount of care, which Tyler was endlessly grateful for. They’ve let Tyler stay for all of the procedures, allowing him to hold Josh’s hand while the bandages are being changed or stitches being applied. Which of course meant that he’d see all of his friend’s injuries first handed , all of the broken skin, deep wounds and scars that would probably never heal. Josh would take everything silently, which made something painful twist in Tyler’s stomach at the thought of all the pain he’d endured to raise his pain tolerance so high.

  
After the first critical week Josh has gotten more responsive and welcomed people to keep him company, although he was still pretty closed off regarding any physical contact, besides Tyler and the very sweet nurses. Currently Tyler was sitting by Josh’s side on his bed, browsing the internet for something funny to show Josh and cheer him up before the nurse came in to change his right hand’s bandage. It was going to be painful and Tyler knew how nervous his friend would get before that procedure so he intended on finding something that would shift his attention elsewhere. With a quiet “Aha” Tyler opened a video and turned to Josh who was lying in a heap of pillows, with his eyes closed and brow creased.

  
“Josh ?” Tyler tried to draw attention to himself before the touched Josh in order to avoid a startled reaction from his friend “Hey, Josh you awake ? “ Josh opened his eyes slowly and focused on his friend’s face, recognition filling them, as well as warmth he kept only for his closest circle of friends and family. “ I want to show you something” now Tyler was smiling, sitting closer to Josh and adjusting the tablet he was holding on the bed between them.

  
When he played the video a whole palette of emotions crossed Josh’s face. It was a simple video, where a little kitten was trying to climb on top a stuffed toy and failed in multiple times. At first it seemed that Josh didn’t understand what he was seeing, but after a moment or two his face turned from confused to amused and then to completely overtaken by happiness. He was smiling so wide his eyes crinkled and the corners and it seemed to Tyler that he has never seen anything as bright and happy as that smile right there. This is why I’m fighting so hard . Tyler thought to himself Everything is worth it just to see him smile like this. Josh put his head on Tyler’s shoulder and actually giggled, face scrunching up in pain slightly, probably from the strain on his broken ribs. They stayed like that for a while, watching little kittens do stupid things, Tyler’s heart fluttering every time Josh made a happy sound of smiled at the screen. He wanted nothing more than to wrap Josh in a fluffy blanket and cuddle him until all the pain and suffering melted away. And it killed him that he couldn’t really do much, besides holding his friend’s hand and keep him grounded while he battled the pain and fear by himself.

  
When the nurse entered the room Josh instinctively flinched and pressed himself further into Tyler, clutching at his shirt and hiding his face in the younger man’s shoulder. She stopped after witnessing his reaction and looked sympathetically at Tyler.

  
“ Hey Josh, it’s okay. You’re safe here remember ? No one will hurt you while you’re here, it’s just Jess. You remember Jess, right ? “ Tyler spoke quietly , like he would to a scared child. And Josh seemed to respond to the cooing tone because he unfolded himself from Tyler and looked up at the nurse, standing by the door. She was holding bandages and other supplies which made Josh even more nervous.

  
“Hey Josh, can I come in ? I promise we’ll be done in no time, I’ll make this really quick” she smiled kindly at him and he nodded. His eyes were still fixed on the things she was holding in her hands, obviously anxious about what will come next.

  
Tyler sat up and helped Josh get settled in the bed so that his right arm was resting on Jess’s lap for easier access. He had one arm around Josh’s shoulders, gently hugging him and avoiding applying any pressure on his back where deep lashes were still healing beneath the hospital gown. He could feel that Josh was tense, his whole body was stiff and his breathing has picked up slightly. Tyler was nervous himself, even though they did this every day to keep the wounds clean. He remembered the first time the doctors removed the bandages and revealed the mess of redness, blood and meat, but the sight itself wasn’t the worst part. Josh’s reaction was far far worse. It was like the drummer realized then for the first time that his tattoo was gone forever, leaving this ugly landscape of sliced skin behind. He cried and cried so hard it made Tyler cry too, as well as the nurse who was helping with the procedure when Tyler told her he used to have a whole sleeve tattoo before he was kidnapped. It broke him into pieces, knowing how much that tattoo meant to Josh, how long he wanted to have it and how much thought and time he put into creating it. It was so beautiful and colorful, but also held so much meaning and soul it’s removal affected him in a very deep way.

  
So right now, as Jess the nurse was slowly removing his old bandages, wincing at the sight for the 7th time this week , Tyler held Josh as close as possible, feeling his friend’s body start to shake as time went by. By the time Jess was done cleaning his wounds, Josh was shaking like a leaf and made a couple of weak attempts to move his arm away from the pain. He had his face buried in Tyler’s shirt which was now wet and Tyler wanted to curl up in a ball and cry for a 100 years. Jess was trying to sooth the hurting man somehow, talking to him in attempt to distract him. Tyler could see though the door’s window Josh’s parents standing outside the room, holding each other’s hands and crying. It was all so wrong, so awful and unfair he wanted to kick something, break something and punch through the goddamn wall. Where the fuck was God now ?? Why did he let this happen ? Was it a part of some big plan, something that would make them stronger and better people ?? Fuck that, Tyler thought fuck this stupid shit.. this is not going to make anyone better or wiser or stronger. All it did was dehumanize a person to the point where he can’t even blink without feeling pain. Josh wasn’t going to be strong after this , if there was even an after. Maybe he’ll spend the rest of his life in this state – frightened, hurting and barely clutching to his conscious mind.

  
Tyler realized he was crying when Jess asked him if he was okay. No, he wasn’t okay, he was so far from it he couldn’t even remember what the hell okay felt like. He whipped his tears quickly, hoping that Josh hasn’t noticed them because he didn’t want to upset his already hurting best friend.

  
“Yeah, I’ll be fine” he mumbled and looked down at Josh’s arm. He could see cuts, engraved in the stripped flesh telling him that they must’ve hurt his arm further , even after they skinned it. More tears found their way out of his eyes as he couldn’t hold them any longer. This was beyond cruel, it was borderline inhuman . How the hell do you recover from something like this ? It was a question that only time held the answer to. Time heals, Tyler heard people say it many times through his life. He used to believe it too, before every ounce of belief was ripped away from his chest and crushed into nothing.

  
Josh was looking up at him now, his eyes red rimmed and tired. He must’ve heard Jess ask Tyler if he’s okay and gotten worried. Josh was worried about him. God.

  
“It’s okay, J. You’re doing so good. See ? We’re almost done. Jess is being great isn’t she ? “ the nurse smiled and patted Josh’s clutched hand. Josh nodded slightly and rested his head on Tyler’s chest. Tyler let out a deep breath and nodded at Jess to go on. As she carefully re-bandaged his hand Josh seemed to be drifting away, his breathing calmer and body more relaxed. Tyler was glad that his friend wasn’t in too much pain and was able to relax a little, but also fear crept into his mind. Relaxing meant sleeping and sleeping meant nightmares that grew into terrifying and violent panic attacks. He was selfishly glad that he wasn’t alone in the room, because if he had to deal with another fit of terrified and agonizing screaming from Josh all by himself he would probably lose his mind.  
_********_  
 _When Josh woke up he realized two things. One - that he couldn’t properly breathe because something around his neck was stopping his air supply, and two – that he couldn’t see a damn thing even though his eyes were wide opened. He was blindfolded. Another thing that he noticed upon his awaking were noises somewhere close to him, that sounded like sobbing , followed by slapping. He tried to touch his face in order to remove whatever item was blocking his sight but he was stopped by the too tight barb wire, holding his wrists together behind his back and effectively cutting into them whenever he applied any pressure. He could feel the bars of his tiny cell cut into his back, so he must be chained to them. The combination between being blindfolded and restrained was beyond terrifying and Josh could feel the fear creep under his skin and make home there._

  
_The slapping that Josh heard earlier continued and now it sounded more like skin slapping skin and oh God Josh had to squeeze his eyes when realization of what was happening near downed on him. The sobbing was getting louder, whoever was abused didn’t take it too well, groaning and whimpering in pain and fear. The terrorists must’ve caught another innocent victim and imprisoned them just like they did to Josh. It was a usual occurrence when they dragged someone in the cell next or opposed to Josh, probably to make him watch and listen as they tortured the poor soul to their death in most cases. Than they’d leave the body to decompose there for days , sometimes even longer and every time Josh felt like he wouldn’t make trough the horrible smell and sound of flies circling the dead body._   
_The helplessness and hopelessness of the situation once again drove Josh to tears and he did his best to block out the horrible sounds of rape next to him, that reminded him of the times he was in the victim’s place. And God knows how many more times he would have to endure it in future, the fear was always there, always making him anxious and fearful._

  
_Suddenly a loud clanging sound rang trough Josh’s ears, making him jump in shock and fear which resulted in his air supply being cut off by the collar and barb wire cutting into his wrists, tearing them. He screamed, a desperate sound that escaped his tightly gritted teeth, provoking another loud noise of metal hitting metal right above his head. A snicker followed, indicating someone’s presence behind him. Another chill made it’s way through Josh’s spine, the closeness of the stranger making him shudder. When the person behind him spoke, he recognized that voice straight away_

  
_“ Did you miss me ?” the voice belonged to one of the most brutal guards that inhabited this camp and the one who enjoyed torturing Josh and never missed an opportunity to do it. Other than physically abusive he also liked to play psychological games where Josh would be blindfolded and anticipating some sort of punishment , not knowing when it will come or in what form. Knowing you’re going to get hurt and waiting for the pain to come any second was even worse than the pain itself, Josh learned that soon enough. This particular guard was also responsible for the endless sexual abuse Josh has been subjected to, offering him to whoever wanted to fuck him for a pack of cigarettes or drugs._   
_Josh was shaking, the mere thought of being in the same space as that man monster made his skin crawl. He still tried to appear unaffected by the intimidation methods he was subjected to, gritting his teeth and squeezing his eyes shut._

  
_“ I thought you were lonely so I brought you company” the man behind him spoke with a mocking voice, obviously enjoying his prisoner’s distress” But you were sleeping I decided she to found somebody else to keep her busy… “ the sounds in the cell next to him increased in volume on both ends, the victim now screaming and crying, overtaken by pain._

  
_A hand sneaked between the bars of Josh’s cell and he felt it make it’s way from his neck down to his chest, going lower and lower. He squirmed and tried to move away from it, the mere contact made him want to throw up, but the restrains were keeping him pressed tightly to the bars behind him and made it impossible to escape the invasive touch._

  
_“Ahh not like that, don’t be bad” the man kept his mocking tone and continued moving his hand which was now resting against Josh’s abdomen, feeling the man beneath him tremble which made him smile. “ I brought her just for you” he whispered into Josh’s ear and made him want to curl in on himself “ I think you’ll like her” his hand traveled lower and was now hovering above his crotch. “ I bet she’s tight. It looks like she hasn’t been fucked much. Although my men over there are taking care of that as we speak” another bone chilling laugh followed and Josh wanted to die. He felt himself being groped which jolted him into a fighting fit, whole body tensing against the bonds, despite the pain it brought. He was trashing, tearing his wrists with the barb wire, chocking himself on the metal collar around his neck, but he refused to give up the fight. I’d rather die , Josh thought, anything is better than this, absolutely anything. The hand was now squeezing painfully, earning a loud groan._

  
_Another hand was now clasped around his mouth, muffling his protests._   
_“ Shhhhhh , don’t be rude now. I’m sure she can’t wait to be fucked into oblivion by you. And I need you to get ready, don’t I ? “ these words were being followed by a noise of a door opening and shuffling on the floor near him. Someone was thrown next to him, the hiccups and sobs telling him it was probably the girl they were talking about._

  
_The hand from his mouth has moved to undo his blindfold which revealed a picture that stunned Josh into silense._   
_On the ground lying in a heap was a girl, no, a child that could't be older than 12 or 13. Her hair was matted with blood as well as her tights, clothes ripped in pieces, revealing bruised skin underneath. She was lying still on the ground, probably too frightened and hurt to move. Another guard was standing right above her, looking satisfied which made Josh want to vomit. He must’ve been the one raping her just minutes ago. He kicked the girl in the ribs and she sobbed again, crawling away from the man, but was caught by her hair and dragged back._

  
_“ Where the fuck do you think you’re going huh ? Get the fuck back here” she was dragged to her knees and only than Josh could properly see her face even though it was dirty and covered in bruises. She was beautiful, with huge almond eyes and full pink lips. Her hair was long and straight, but dirty with blood and God knows what else. She looked so fragile , so small and defenseless Josh wanted to reach out and hug her tight . But his hands were still tied and Josh was kind of grateful for that because he didn’t want to do anything to her. Let alone anything close to sexual._

  
_“Crawl over there and give him a kiss” the guard that was holding her by her hair threw her roughly on the floor to Josh’s direction. “ Entertain our special guest here . If you please him maybe you’ll get a meal later.” the guard smirked and kicked the girl towards the frightened Josh still tied to the bars._

  
_God he didn’t want any of this, he didn’t want to touch her or get touched by her, but the girl was so scared she looked at Josh for a few seconds and crawled all the way to the spot where he kneeled on the ground and reached out to touch his chest. It was obvious she had no idea what she’s doing, the nervousness and anxiety written all over her features, but there was also a deep_

  
He wasn't restrained, but his eyes were too unfocused to see why. All he could do was gasp for breath that wouldn't come and feel soft hands touch his arms again. His name was spoken again and the voice was so familiar Josh could recognise it among a crowd of thousands. His eyes finally focused on the figure in front of him, keeping him grounded and he saw a frantic Tyler with red face and tear stained cheeks. No guards, no cells.

  
He held on to conciousness enough to feel something being shoved into the side of his chest through his ribs and a scared looking nurse filling his IV line with something that was making his mind fuzzy at the edges. Tyler was telling him he was okay, he was safe, he was home, please Josh, please calm down, and he stared at his best friend for as long as he could just to make sure he was there and wasnt an illusion. The next moment he felt arms hugging him and rocking him back and forth until his breathing was somewhat normal. The nightmare was gone now, but the memory was still there, torturing his exhausted brain to the point of madness. The only thing Josh could do was cry into Tyler's shoulder, mumbling a string of "sorry" and let his friend rock him slowly until his brain decided it has had enough and finally shutting down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if this chapter was a mess, but I wrote it while being sleep deprived and tired. A lot of the things described in the flashback are based on real events. It was difficult writing it, so any feedback is more than welcome. I hope it came out okay :) let me know by leaving coments


	15. We're broken people

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone ! First of all thank you so much for leaving kudos and comments. As I've said many times before those are honestly keeping me going. By letting me know you like what you read you give me so much motivation to continue and I thank you for that. Criticism is also ALWAYS welcome, as this is my first work and I could make mistakes or confuse you with my writing.
> 
> Anyways, enjoy this angsty chapter and let me know what you think :)

Josh was lying on his left side, facing the wall with his mind blank and body numb.  He struggled for a long time to find a somewhat comfortable position to lay, but no matter how he turned and twisted something was hurting.  Lying on his back was too painful thanks to all the gashes and healing wounds that had to get stitched, stretching his skin  painfully. His right side was not an option thanks to his right arm that still had a long way to go before it stopped being a bleeding open wound without skin. Most of his broken ribs  were on that side too, so he avoided adding any pressure there.  The tube that helped his collapsed lung work , entered his chest through his left side, where the ribs weren’t so broken and it wasn’t too painful. Although it was uncomfortable enough laying on it and honestly he was afraid that the tube will come out , the way it has before and putting it back in was an awful process.

So Josh carefully avoided putting much pressure on the spot where to tube was sticking out of his body and focused on breathing slowly. Tyler was gone for a couple of hours, to take a shower and get a change of clothes and sometimes Josh felt really bad for his best friend who has spent most of his time, if not all beside Josh’s hospital bed and made sure his friend never felt alone, abandoned or uncomfortable. Tyler barely slept, thanks to Josh’s constant nightmares and terrors which made the drummer feel even more guilty. Not only he was responsible for Tyler’s lack of personal life, but he also made his life more miserable by not allowing him to sleep. Sometimes Josh wanted to tell him to go home, have some sleep or eat a proper meal, but of course he couldn’t tell him anything right now, not that Tyler would listen to him anyway. He was stubborn and loyal, never leaving Josh's side, not even when he desperately needed rest himself. The nurses though were more insisting, telling him to go shower and have a nap, literally shooing him off. Josh was half asleep back then, so Tyler finally surrendered and decided he's going to be quick and come back before Josh woke up.  

But right now, lying all alone in the hospital bed he felt terrifyingly lonely. He used to get this feeling whenever he was left all alone in the freezing cell for days, and even though the thought of someone coming in and torturing him again was terrifying, the thought of dying there slowly and all by himself, bleeding, thirsty and hungry was driving him absolutely insane. The thought of being left alone was now terrifying him to the point where he was willing to fall down to his knees and beg for Tyler not to leave whenever the younger man had to leave his room, even when it was for a few minutes. It was irrational and Josh knew it, but he still couldn't shake the gutting feeling of being completely abandoned and forgotten, left to rot all by himself. He was currently telling himself that Tyler will come back, he always comes back, he always takes care of Josh, he won't leave him. Right ? 

It's been a while and Josh was now getting restless. Okay, Tyler was just showering. Or maybe he fell asleep, the poor guy was exhausted all the time, thanks to him, Josh reminded himself.  He shouldn't be worried about that, it was stupid. Just because he was gone for a couple of hours didn't mean he's not coming back. Or that he's sick of Josh and his constant panic ridden dreams turned reality. Or that he's tired of Josh's inability to speak or communicate in any way at all. Or that Tyler finally realized that Josh was too broken to fix and finally given up the idea he could put him back together. Nope, that definitely wasn't the case. For sure. Not at all. Oh fuck.  Fear in Josh's case was definitely stronger than common sense and he slowly started panicking, breath coming in short painful pants. He was biting his lower lip, as his body was surrendering to the fear, muscles tensing , mouth drying, heart racing. Josh needed something to hold on to, usually the calming presence of his best friend doing the trick, but now he felt helpless against the bone chilling fear. The heavy weight of chains on his wrists and neck was still there, even though he wasn't physically restrained anymore. Josh closed his eyes, maybe if he counted to 100 the panic will subside and let him breathe again, but it only brought back flashing images of empty cell walls, blood splashed on concrete and somebody's lifeless eyes staring right at him. The white wall didn't do much to calm Josh as he opened his eyes and stared at it. It only gave him the feeling of being trapped, so he slowly and carefully turned around, until his back was against the sheets. It hurt to lay on his back like that, the skin there pulling into different directions painfully. Josh groaned low and pained, the ache getting worse as he tried to re-position himself. This wasn't going to work he thought after some shifting around and turned on his right side, just as slow and careful. Instantly his ribs screamed and sent an agonizing white hot pain that spread as far as the tips of his fingers. Gritting his teeth, Josh lied his head on the pillow and looked around for any abandoned painkillers the nurses sometimes left on the bedside table that would help him feel more comfortable, but couldn't find any. 

What drew his attention was a phone lying on the table that looked familiar. It looked like any other smartphone , big and black, but there was something about it that made Josh think that it belonged to him before. Tyler brought it days ago to show Josh some pictures on it and kind of just left it there on the table, so it probably wasn't Tyler's.  An idea bloomed in his head as he reached for the phone, but stopped halfway when sharp pain pierced his shoulder as it strained to get to the table. It wasn't that far away, but he had to stretch his entire arm and reach out a bit, which would put too much stress on both his shoulder and broken ribs. With a grunt and a huff Josh relaxed back into the bed, feeling defeated and utterly useless. His heart was still racing , the failed attempt to get the phone from the table only fueling his desperation. And if he thought he couldn't feel any more pathetic , he felt his eyes being filled with tears that ran down his cheeks, wetting his pillow. He needed Tyler. He needed a hug and the warm comfort that it brought, making Josh feel protected and taken care of. 

He cried quietly for a while, all of the pent up emotions making their way on the surface and fueling his break down. Just as Josh silently thanked God he was alone and no one was here to witness the pathetic state he was in there was a quiet knock on the door and he heard it open. At first he thought it was Tyler and his heart jumped with happiness, but the figure that came in was smaller and definitely feminine. A nurse - Jess was slowly approaching his bed, taking careful steps and trying not to make too much noise, probably thinking he's asleep.  But she must've heard his muffled crying, because she stopped at her tracks and asked Josh in a quiet and careful voice :

"Hey Josh" She paused, waiting for the man to acknowledge her presence. When he didn't react she came closer and saw him flinch at the movement, something that made her want to reach out and give him the biggest hug ever possible. " Hey, it's Jess. You remember me , right ? I'm your least favorite nurse that bandages up your right arm" she said with a slightly playful tone, hoping that it will help Josh relax a little and not make him feel like she's a threat. He turned his face towards her and she could see the evidence of tears on his face and the fresh one in his eyes. Jess felt her heart shatter. Josh was one of her favorite patients . He had something undeniably kind and  just plain good in him , which made the whole situation even more saddening. " I just came to check on you. I want to make sure you're feeling comfortable.Do you need something ? Are you in pain" Josh kept looking at her with desperate eyes, shaking his head slightly. He was in pain, but that didn't matter that much right now. 

His body was shaking and the tears just wouldn't stop flowing out of his eyes. He didn't want to cry in front of the nurse, it wasn't his intention to upset anyone, but it's all he seemed to do lately. He looked down at the bedside table and and back at Jess. She could give him the phone Josh realized, but there was no way for him to ask. He looked down at the phone again and back at her. She must've picked up on what he was trying to tell her and neared the table.

"Do you want water ? " She asked, pointing towards the bottle of water standing on the bedside table, along with a glass. Josh shook his head. " The remote for the TV ? " once again he shook his head and looked back at the table. Than she reached for the phone and took it from the table " Do you want me to give you the phone ? " he nodded quickly " Can you use it ? Don't your fingers still hurt ? " he nodded two times to answer both questions, but still looked at the phone in her hand and than back at her. " Do you want me to call someone for you ? " she suggested. Jess was worried about how upset Josh looked and really wanted to call his parents or Tyler. Josh shook his head. He wanted to try and do this on his own, even if it was slow and painful. " Okay, I'll give you the phone, I'll just put it right here ... " she placed the phone in his lap and made sure it was well within his reach. Up close Josh looked even more miserable, tears staining his cheeks, eyes sunk in and sad. " Do want me to tell your mom or dad to come keep you company ? " she tried to figure out what to do to help him feel better. When he shook his head again she sighted. " Are you sure you're not in too much pain ? I can ask the doctor to raise up your painkillers dose" he only thought for a second before shaking his head again. Painkillers were good because they dulled all of the pain he grew used to feel on daily basis, but having too much of them  would mean being stuck in nightmares with no way out, not being able to wake up because of the heavy effect the pills had on his vulnerable mind. Pain was better than the terror of reliving the events from the past 8 months . 

" Okay sweetheart" she stayed there watching him for another moment " You can always press the "call" button if you need something. Okay ? " when he nodded she smiled at him and turned around. Josh looked scared and sad and Jess didn't want to leave him all alone. But she couldn't push her presence on him, knowing it must be really hard for him right now, recovering from such a heavy trauma. Flashing him one last smile she made a few steps towards the door and left the room quietly, feeling sad all of a sudden. Some deep sadness was rooted in her heart and she knew it wasn't just the fact that Josh was suffering. She has been a nurse for the past 10 years and yes, she has felt sympathy towards her patients before, but this was different somehow. Maybe it was the quietness of the man's suffering that made such a strong impact, not just the lack of words, but the way he was determined not to burden people around him with his pain. He was literally trapped inside a mess of a body that worked totally against him, but he still managed to radiate kindness and peacefulness she has never felt from a patient before. It was almost like he felt empathy for everyone surrounding him, not the other way around. With those thoughts twisting in her mind, Jess left the room and quietly prayed to God that next time she went back Josh wasn't crying. 

 

******************************

It felt almost foreign to Tyler taking a shower in his own bathroom, not in the hospital or a hotel room. Actually taking showers has been put at the back of the list of important things to Tyler right now, but it was nice and he tried to enjoy it while it lasted. After this short break he would drive straight back to the hospital and the harsh reality of his current life. Scrubbing himself clean he noticed that his beard has gotten longer than usual, making his face itch uncomfortably. He was so busy being there for Josh and arranging everything he barely had time to look at himself in the mirror. He probably looked like death.. Or like a drug addict. Or like a drug addict close to dying.

 

Tyler rubbed the steamy mirror to clear it up and instantly regretted his decision.  He did look like someone who hasn't slept in a year and hasn't shaved for just as long. His eyes had dark brown shadows underneath making him look older than his age. The beard wasn't helping brighten up the looks either as it added a few years on it's own. his skin was pale and with unhealthy color and overall he looked absolutely exhausted. He shook his head at himself. Who the fuck cares how I look right now ? Tyler thought. I could grow a new pair of ears would still could care less . But it wasn't a surprise that the nurses back at the hospital literally had to kick him out of there so he could take care of himself.

 

The apartment was quiet and empty, amplifying the feeling of missing his best friend. Tyler and Josh used to spend all of their time together and it was almost never quiet around him and even if it was, the silence was a comfortable one. Of course they didn't talk 100% of the time, but the presence of Josh was always a calming one, a reassuring feeling of having someone who understands him and makes him feel complete. And than , 8 months ago,  that was taken away and even to this day Tyler didn't know how to deal with it. He still wasn't used to the silence, he still felt empty and lonely every time he went back to his empty home or just stayed by himself.

Tyler walked into his bedroom to look for a fresh pair of clothes, which was kind of rare these days. He didn't care much about what he was wearing or how clean it was, most of the laundry was done by his parents anyway. He rummaged trough his closet, finding a pair of pants and a t-shirt that fit, but his eyes stopped at a hoodie that lied carelessly at the bottom of the shelves. It was dark and plain, with white strings and it was slightly bigger than Tyler's size. He picked it up and instantly recognized it as one of Josh's favorites. It was soft in Tyler's hands and he instinctively pulled it close to his face and felt the delicate material on his face. Tyler must've snatched it from Josh's suitcase before he left for Syria, as it wasn't rare for the boys to switch clothes. He pulled it over his head and slowly put it on, trying to catch some sort of familiar smell on it. It didn't smell like anything of course, a result of lying at the bottom of his closet for months. When he was done he went to his bed and sat for a moment, still annoyed and troubled by the violent silence that surrounded him. The clock showed 4 am. God he was so tired ... maybe he should just lie down for a second, take a quick nap. He hasn't slept in a proper bed for so long he has forgotten what it felt like. The hospital chairs were far from comfortable furniture to sleep at. And whenever Tyler napped in Josh's bed he was too scared to move because even the slightest touch or push could hurt Josh or send him into a panic attack, especially while he was asleep. He relaxed on the bed, stretching his limbs, hearing them crack and pop. He was just going to relax for a minute ...

His phone was buzzing and Tyler jumped upright on the bed, grabbing his phone from the nightstand. He was instantly worried something might've happened back at the hospital while he was away, the mere thought making his heart race. Unlocking his phone he saw it was 04:30. Did he fall asleep ? There was a notification for a new message on his phone. It was from Josh.

His hands were shaking now, this wasn't possible. It was probably someone from the hospital staff, Josh couldn't use the phone yet. Shaky fingers opened the message. It was short and simple, containing only one word and a question mark

**Josh: Ty ?**

Tyler stared at the phone for a few seconds. No one called him Ty, except for his closest friends. What was going on ?

**Tyler: Josh ? Oh my God ??**

Tyler had to wait almost an entire minute before and answer came

**Josh: Yea**

another 30 seconds

**Josh: Hi**

**Tyler: Hey hi oh my God why are you awake ?? How do you type ? Doesn't it hurt ?**

The new response took forever and Tyler was biting his nails in anticipation and excitement.

**Josh: Ty, I'm scared**

Tyler's heart stopped for a second when he read the message.  Fuck, he shouldn't have left Josh, especially not at night. " _Stupid, selfish, fucking ridiculous, that's what you are Tyler"_  God he was so angry with himself. Was taking a shower really so important ? Hell he could go on for months, no , for years without sleeping and showering if he head to, if that's what it took to keep Josh safe, to stop him from being scared.

**Tyler: God, I'm so sorry. I'll be right there J, don't worry. Please don't be scared okay ? Nothing bad will happen to you ever again. I'll be right there, just hold on.**

While Tyler was frantically getting dressed he received another message that almost brought him to tears

**Josh: Please**

Tyler snatched his car keys and literally ran down the stairs. Thankfully the hospital was close and it shouldn't take more than 10 minutes to get there. His phone buzzed again while he was fastening his seat belt and he almost dropped it in attempt to take it out as fast as he can out of his pocket with shaky hands.

**Josh: Call me. Need your voice**

Tyler turned the engine on and called Josh's number. It took another 20 seconds for Josh to pick up and when he did Tyler sighted with relief. He could hear a soft sniffling sound coming from the other line, indicating that Josh was probably crying.

"Hey J, it's okay, I'm right here, you're alright" Tyler's voice was shaking as well, but he willed himself not to cry, because that would only upset his friend. " God I'm so sorry I left you all alone, I shouldn't have done that, I'm really really sorry. I'm on my way and I'll be there in just a bit, okay ? Tyler kept talking to Josh the entire ride to the hospital and when he reached it he told Josh he'll be there in just a minute and hung up.

Jumping out of his car he literally ran into the hospital and sprinted trough corridors and flights of stairs until he reached Josh's room. Heart jumping out his rib cage, lung screaming for air, Tyler entered the dark room as carefully as possible, trying not to scare Josh even further with any loud noises or sudden moves.

He saw Josh lying on his right side, curled up as much as his injuries were allowing him and clutching to his phone tightly , like it was the most precious object in the world. His eyes were squeezed tight, breath coming in short gasps as he shuddered every few seconds. Tyler whipped his eyes and stepped closer to his bed and greeted Josh with a quiet " Hey J" which made the lying man open his eyes and look up. The relief he saw in them made his heart melt as he neared the bed and kneeled in front of it. Tyler cupped Josh's face with his hands and softly placed a kiss on his forehead, that made Josh sight and relax a little.

"Shh, it's okay now" Tyler was caressing his sweaty hair, pressing his forehead against Josh's. " I'm here now, it's okay. " After a few minutes he could feel Josh unwind, as his breathing wasn't so harsh anymore and muscles were slowly relaxing.  Tyler stood up from his kneeling position earning a short gasp from Josh and a scared look.

"Hey, I'm not going anywhere, it's okay. I just want to lie down next to you, is that okay ? " Josh nodded immediately and the younger man settled down on the hospital bed, cuddling his best friend carefully. They found a fairly comfortable position where Tyler was lying on his back, with his right hand under Josh, who had his head on Tyler's shoulder and arm over his chest. It took another 30 minutes to finally calm Josh down to a point where he wasn't shaking or crying and Tyler finally took a sight of relief.  He was too exhausted, too scared and upset to cry so all he did was close his eyes and breathe Josh's familiar scent. He smelled stretile, with a hint of medicine and sweat, but he was  **Josh,** Tyler's Josh and that was all that mattered. As long as they had each other everything was going to be okay. Sleep came quicker than ever. 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to talk, or just come and say hi, I've got tumblr here ----> http://i-m-a-goner-takeitslow.tumblr.com
> 
> I've been in this fandom for about 6 months and this is the safest place I have ever experienced. I just want to say I'm so proud of everyone in the clique , you guys are all figters, survivors and all around brave and amazing people <3


	16. I will set my soul on fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is almost 7k long and It's the longest one so far. I wrote it instead of sleeping, so I apologize in advance for any mistakes. 
> 
> There's a lot of medical terms in this chapter and I was going to put an explanation for each one, but I'm too tired to do that so if there's anything you don't understand message me and i'll clear it up for you :) 
> 
> Once again it's a bit of a mess, but this is what feels right to me, so I wrote it the way I felt it inside.   
> I hope you like it and please please let me know what you think, you are honestly helping me so much that way.

Exactly two weeks after Josh was taken back home from Syria, the official health report regarding his injuries came out.  Tyler was sitting nervously in the doctor’s office, waiting for him to come so they could talk about Josh’s health and where  his treatment going to go from here.  Tyler knew things weren’t good. The initial examination showed numerous injuries, as well as other health issues that resulted from them.  The doctors who took care of Josh has told Tyler many times that over his course of treatment other problems will occur, like low immune system that made him very vulnerable to infections  or the risks of epilepsy and auto immune diseases.

Tyler was biting his nails to the point of bleeding. He was nervous. No, that was definitely an understatement. He was about to spend the next hour or so listening to people telling him how badly hurt his best friend is and  how beyond repair he’s been broken. He also expected them to talk about the sexual abuse Josh has suffered and the physical consequences that will bring, although he was more concerned about his mental state on that issue.  With his difficulty communicating and expressing his feelings it was obvious that determining Josh’s mental state would be the biggest challenge of them all.  And helping him recover from the psychological trauma would be slow and difficult process, Tyler knew. Honestly, he wasn’t sure about his own mental stability, he didn’t think he was strong enough to be able to help another person with mental issues, but considering it was Josh they were talking about he’d go to hell and back if that would help his best friend.  Tyler tried to imagine what hell was like if things like this could happen to people in their earthly life , people underserving of pain and suffering.

 This wasn’t the time to cry, Tyler told himself a couple of times before he heard the door opening and an elderly man, in his late 50s with kind, but firm blue eyes came in. It was dr. Lewis, the one who fought hard to save Josh’s life when he was admitted here , among a whole crew of doctors and nurses.  Dr Lewis performed most of the lifesaving surgeries and monitored the following treatments and Tyler felt like he was in lifetime debt to this man, although it was his job and everything. Tyler was about to stand up and greet the man, but he put his hand on his shoulder to signal him it’s  not necessary.

“Hello Tyler” dr.Lewis greeted him as he sat down on the chair behind his big desk covered in paperwork.  “ Thank you for taking the time. I know this must be really hard for you” he paused as his eyes were piercing Tyler’s in a very honest , but not quite cold way. “ I have a son about  your age. So to me both of you are like children.” He sighted deep and heavy and ruffled over all the papers lying on the desk.  “ I have treated veterans of wars before.  I have seen all the cruel things someone’s hands can do to a defenseless person if they really intent to hurt and damage.  Not quite to this extent though , I must admit “ There was a lot of sadness in his voice and Tyler felt himself shiver. This didn’t sound good at all. He stayed silent and waited for the doctor to continue.

“ I will start with the good news.. the fact that he has made through the first week without complications says a lot about both his desire to live and his physical strength despite all the trauma his body has endured. As you know his condition was critical, but he pushed through it and that is a very important step in his recovery. “ Tyler breathe out deep and heavy through his nose, mentally preparing himself for the bad news that were no doubt about to come

“The list of Josh’s injuries is very long and I will try to make it as short as possible for you.  Are you sure you are ready to hear this ? “

“Yeah” Tyler’s voice was quiet and sounded rough, like he has been screaming. He could as well be doing that in his sleep. Nightmares were a rather usual  these days.

“ Alright than.” Dr Lewis put his glasses on and began reading the report “ The patient –28 years old white male, height 5’5 , weight – 55 kilograms “ Tyler audibly swallowed and almost chocked on his saliva. 55 kilograms. Tyler weighted that much in high school”  was admitted to the Emergency care unit in critical condition. Initial examination showed 20 broken ribs ( 16 were broken at the time of his hospitalization, the other 4 have been broken in the past and were not healed properly) “ At that Tyler visibly winced, trying to figure out how was it possible to have only 4 ribs in your body that were not broken.” Both of the patient’s arms were dislocated at the shoulders and further examination showed that the humeral head sits anterior and medial to the glenoid, just inferior to the coracoid. Scans show permanent damage to the humeral head, as a result of numerous dislocations over the past months which is causing the patient acute pain and immobilization. Both joints will require surgery to correct the damage of the humeral head , by supporting them with plastic replacements.  The initial acute pain should subside about 3 weeks post-surgery, but will require painkillers for the next 1 to 3 months of recovery.” Short pause was made to let Tyler breathe.” The patient was admitted with punctured and infected left lung,  a result of one of the broken ribs puncturing the lung and required thoracostomy.  The chest tube was inserted in his right rib cage area, in order to drain the fluids surrounding his lungs and causing the patient pain and difficulty breathing.  Over the course of the treatment the tube has stayed in place as the patient’s lung was not improving as fast as we were hoping for.  The infection has subsided, but the patient is still being supported by addition oxygen delivered to his lungs via tube.  The patient is receiving antibiotics and painkillers to help lessen the pain and put the infection under control. “ The constant use of “patient” instead of Josh’s name was making Tyler angry. It didn’t sound right. Almost as if made on purpose , to detach him from the situation.

“ The patient …” the doctor began, but Tyler said “Josh” so fast he stopped himself and looked at the young man in front of him.

“Josh.. please, use his name. I can’t … it’s not right. … “ Tyler stammered miserably and the doctor shot him a sad look.

“Okay, son, as you wish.” He cleared his throat and continued with the report”  After a full body examination that was performed under full anesthesia, as a result of his violent reaction to touch, we performed the placement of 500 stitches , primarily on Josh’s back, chest, hips, backside , neck and abdomen. The wounds appear to be mostly inflicted by object similar to a whip , most likely made of thin metal and altering to thick rubber. Many of those wounds were infected and required having them cleaned out fist. The degree of the inflicted damage says a lot about the intensity of the beatings, as they were most likely being as frequent as every day.  The wounds on Josh’s wrist, ankles and neck speaks of very tight restrain that damaged the skin and the tissue underneath.  It is very likely for him to have scars even after the treatment is done, as some of the wounds are too deep and will not fade in time. …. Now, this is a very difficult and unpredictable issue. His right arm, as you probably know was stripped of skin. It’s very likely that the process of skinning was performed while he was awake and alert. I’m saying this because there are signs of resistance and other damage on the underlying tissue that speak of struggle.  At some places on the damaged arm the muscle tissue has also been cut, which results in low mobility and  severe pain.  The epidermis has been going through a process of healing , but the depth of the wounds on his upper arm, from elbow to shoulder is extensive as it damages the dermis and muscle. From what I can see, the damaged tissue has also been burned” and if Tyler has been holding himself together up to this point he totally lost self-control after the last sentence.  He buried his head in his hands and gripped his hair _hard._ Not only they have taken the skin off his arm while he was awake, but they also had to burn it ? His head was spinning from the nausea that overtaken his body. “ Do you want me to stop, son ? I know this is too much. I am a doctor and I still can’t remain completely unaffected.

Tyler rubbed his eyes furiously , but refused to let himself cry. If Josh could bear all of that, Tyler should be strong enough to hear it being read from a piece of paper.

“No.. no, I’m just shocked.. it’s .. it’s okay, you can go on. I really need to hear this.

“Alright. As I was saying , some of the muscle tissue on Josh’s arm has been damaged so the usual procedure of placing a split-level thickness graft will not be possible, as it only covers the very top layer of skin and does not grow with it.  It is very unusual in medical practice to use a full-thickness graft on such a large area and the success of such procedure cannot be guaranteed.  We will most likely have to split the procedure into smaller surgeries that will cover his arm’s length separately, but hopefully look as a whole as it can be.  Josh will be on antibiotics and painkillers for a long while , because the bared dermis is very vulnerable to infections and inflammations and is very painful for the patient.  My hope is that his nerves and muscles are not damaged beyond repair and the surgery will give him the ability to move his hand freely again.  But .. I need you to understand this, Tyler. “ Doctor’s voice turned serious and grim” The extent of his injuries, especially the ones regarding his arms and shoulders is very massive . He might not be able to move them as much as he used to, or he will experience pain doing so. It’s very difficult to predict at this phase of treatment. It has only been a few weeks after all. I’m telling you this so you won’t get your hopes too high about him going back to his normal practices , involving drumming and other physical activities. It is very unlikely he will ever be able to play the drums the way he has before, even after he makes full recovery. “

This thought has crept into  Tyler’s mind many times before, but he pushed it away, putting all of his focus on Josh’s recovery  and survival, telling himself it was the most important thing right now. But it was impossible not to think about the future, about their life after Josh comes out of the hospital and the big “what’s next” that awaited them both.  Josh will never go back to being a drummer. They will never be a band again. They will never play together again. All of their dreams. All of their visions, hopes… just gone. Impossible.

The weight of those thoughts were crushing Tyler and he felt like everything was breaking apart around him. He didn’t even want to cry anymore, as the tears did little to relieve the internal agony he felt every damn second.  It was painful, feeling  all of his hopes , all of _their_ hopes for the future die and he repeated a thousand times in his head that the most important thing right now is that Josh is alive and he’s _here_ and he’s with _Tyler again._ Everything else be damned.  But If the mere thought was killing him so much he could only imagine how Josh will feel when they have to tell him the news.  Oh that really fucking hurt.

As Tyler came back to the present moment he realized that doctor Lewis was quietly looking at him, a part of him alert and ready to act in case Tyler had a panic attack of some sort. 

“ You haven’t told Josh yet, have you ? “ it was barely above whisper.

“No, Tyler, he hardly needs to hear this right now.  Josh’s mental state is very vulnerable at the moment. Everything can trigger him, anything could upset him and we need to be really careful.” it was comforting to know that Josh didnt have to go trough that hell just yet, that he probably still had hopes about going back to playing music with Tyler one day. Hopes that crashed and burned as he sat in the white hospital office, feeling so weak and helpless.

"Should we stop ? You seem pretty upset my boy, and rightfully so"

"No.. No, I was just thinking. I mean I am upset, but ... I really need to go through with it. I need to know. Please.

“Alright.. Next point of examination is bleeding and oedema in the soft tissues of the feet, as well as severe pain. This is most commonly caused by the so called falanga torture, and can be defined as the applications of blunt trauma to the soles of the feet. It appears that the trauma has been caused by a thick rubber object as well as a some sort of cane. Because of the pain, walking is impaired in most falanga victims. Walking speed and walking distance are reduced. Typically, the torture victim is only able to walk a limited distance, during which the pain will increase and make continued muscle activity impossible.  I believe that with the right physical therapy and with the help of painkillers Josh will be able to walk without support or help in a couple of months.” Tyler’s head was swimming. Maybe he wasn’t ready to hear all this after all. The doctor gave him a minute and continued

“ It is evident that the patient … uh Josh, has been subjected to suspension and more particularly to the so called “Palestinian” suspension. It  may produce permanent brachial plexus injury in a short period. There is such an unnatural strain on all the muscles and ligaments of the shoulder girdle that one or both shoulders may dislocate, as well as it can produce extreme pain. I am convinced that Josh has been subjected to this kind of torture very often, considering the state his shoulder joints are in. In the chronic phase, weakness may continue and progress to muscle wasting. Numbness and, more frequently, parasthesia are present. Raising the arms or lifting weight may cause pain, numbness or weakness. In addition to neurologic injury, there may be tears of the ligaments of the shoulder joints, dislocation of the scapula and muscle injury in the shoulder region.” Another pause, as if the doctor was giving Tyler time to process what he has just heard.

“Burn marks , like the ones we have found on Josh’s body are evidence of electrical torture. As you probably know it uses the property of the electrical current to cause pain: in the body the current travels along nerves and blood vessels as they are the paths of lower resistance. As the current travels, it causes contractions to the muscles involved and severe pain. These contractions can cause dislocation of joints and, if the chest muscles are involved, difficulties in breathing.  The burn wounds are mostly located on very vulnerable parts of the body, like the genitals, nipples and soles of the feet. Those burn marks will likely take a while to fade, in some cases they don’t completely fade and stay as scarred tissue. “ The doctor was about to go on, but looking at Tyler he changed him mind and paused again.  “ Son ?”

Tyler was fighting the images invading his brain. Josh being suspended, restrained, electrocuted and beaten.  Scared and alone. So fucking alone.

“ I’m okay” big fat lie. He wasn’t okay and he never will be. None of this could be undone, Tyler knew it oh so well. Everything that the doctor just read has happened and Josh will have to live with it for the rest of his life. “ Go on, please, let’s just get this over with”

“Alright. This is probably going to be really difficult to hear, so please let me know if you want me to skip this part and move on to the next one. “ Tyler’s blood ran cold in his veins.  Literally everything he has just heard was has been so difficult to hear he couldn’t imagine how fucking painful the next part will sound.

“ No, I think I can do it. I want to hear the rest.”

With a heavy sight dr. Lewis pushed his glasses higher and with a final glance at Tyler continued reading the report.

“ This part belongs primarily to the psychological evaluation report, because sexual assault is clearly not simply a physical assault on the individual, but in many instances it is the psychological insult that is most injurious. The initial full body exam, showed that Josh has suffered severe physical trauma,  as a result of an ongoing and long term sexual abuse.  Results of the said exam revealed severe symptomatic rectal prolapse as well as anal fissures, symptoms normally associated with violent and persistent sexual assault on male victims. …. I won’t get into details, for your sake, but what this means is that his rectum is practically torn out of his body and will require a surgery, as well as a long term treatment to help the healing process. Both injuries are very painful and will bring long term consequences like bleeding and pain that will gradually subside in time. Which means that Josh might not be able to walk for a while, or practice other physical activities as lifting weights without experiencing pain and weakness. “by the time the doctor ended the last sentence Tyler was completely speechless,  unable to form any sort of words or coherent sounds.  The only thing his body seemed to remember doing was crying, and Tyler could feel the warm tears staining his cheeks and trembling hands trying to wipe them.  To say that hearing this report being read out loud was painful is such a massive understatement . It didn’t even come close to the suffocating white hot crushing feeling Tyler could feel in his chest.  His resolve to bear through the entire report was slowly melting, being replaced by grief and regret he never thought a human body can experience. _No_ , he thought, _I don’t need to sit here and listen about all the ways Josh has been hurt. I need to be there with him and help him get through it._

“ I’m .. I don’t …. “ Tyler was trying to say something, but words existed in a whole different world to him” I just can’t”  he slowly stood up from his chair, but his knees buckled and he swayed to the side and managed to catch himself on the chair to prevent himself from crashing to the ground. Suddenly everything was spinning, the ground beneath his feet was falling and only the soft thud of his knees hitting the carpet let him know he has fallen to the floor.  Still taken aback by the sudden change of events Tyler tried to say something, but his throat has closed up on itself and made it impossible to speak.  His vision was turning black,  but he could vaguely hear people talking around him, pulling him up from the ground and moving him towards the couch nearby.  The next thing shocked him out of the head spinning nauseating  feeling as water was being splashed on his face, making him cover it face in self-defense.  Opening his eyes he could see two nurses, dr. Lewis and another person he didn’t recognize, all looking at him in concern.

“Tyler ? Are you okay son ? “ It was dr. Lewis who was crouching near the couch and holding an empty cup in his hand.

“Wha.. what happened ? Did I pass out or something? “ Tyler was rubbing his head

“ Not exactly. I believe you just experienced a mini panic attack, which I’d say is not surprising, considering the shock you have just went through.  How are you feeling now ? “

“Lightheaded. Sick…. And .. helpless ? “ the last word kind of came out as a question, but to be honest Tyler wasn’t sure how to describe what he was feeling. Desperation, helplessness, disgust, sadness, pain .. all of the above, amplified by 100. “ I need to see Josh. I should go see him, could you please help me get there ?

“Of course, Tyler, of course.  There is a therapist with him right now, but it’s alright, they should be done soon enough. Let’s go, nice and slow” Tyler was pulled up and for a second thought his knees will buckle, but surprisingly they didn’t and he managed to stand on his two feet. With the help of one of the nurses and another doctor Tyler didn’t know they made it to Josh’s room. 

In there,  Josh was lying in bed, looking incredibly tired and drained, with eyes barely opened enough to follow the movements the therapist was showing him.  His face was tense and Tyler knew that Josh was in pain. He was also involuntarily shying away from the man, standing next to his bed and Tyler silently cursed himself for letting this stranger near Josh’s bed while he was alone.  While Tyler was allowed closeness and touch, Josh was still pretty skeptic about other people touching him and didn’t take it too well. He also visibly shrunk in on himself every time someone besides Tyler walked into his room and new faces were giving him anxiety . Josh has never seen this man before and it must’ve been a big stress for him to stay all alone with the doctor, even if he meant good.

Walking into the room both faces turned towards Tyler.  The therapist recognized him and went to shake Tyler’s hand ,  introducing himself and dr. Brett McCoy , the assigned physiotherapist , who will help Josh’s recovery. Tyler quickly shook his hand and dismissed him rather rudely and he would feel like an asshole if it wasn’t for the scared looks In Josh’s eyes that were fixed on him.  He moved to the bed with one step and put both hands on Josh’s head, gently framing his face. Everyone else in the room left quietly, leaving the two best friend to have their intimate moment alone.

Sitting down on the bed, Tyler kissed Josh’s forehead and let out a deep breathe.  Leaving Josh was so difficult it felt like he hasn’t seen his best friend all day, when it has only been an hour or so.  He felt Josh relax underneath him, shaky hands coming up to hug him despite the pain the movement must’ve brought.

“How are you feeling ? “ Tyler asked, knowing he won’t get a real answer, but he still needed to ask this question. He got a slight squeeze in return which made him smile. “ Are you in a lot of pain ? “ Josh nodded, relaxing his hands back on the bed and wincing . Tyler sighted and scooted close to Josh, enjoying his warmth and familiarity of his presence.

  “ You know I’m really proud of you” Tyler whispered, feeling once again overwhelmed. “ I know it hurts, I know that everything is painful and scary and awful right now, but you’re being so strong and you’re helping me stay strong , how funny is that ? I’m so scared of disappointing you and letting you down and just …. I’m afraid I’m not strong enough to help you get better and that’s killing me, Josh. “ He knew he’d end up crying, but he had to get this off his chest. The guilt he felt. He needed to get it out.

“ You’ve always been the strong one, the better one of us two” Josh was shaking his head, unshed tears shining in his eyes, but Tyler continued “ I’ve always looked up to you when I needed support and you have always been there for me, always helping me back up. And right now … I ‘m just …. I’m not strong and I can’t help you and I feel … I feel so gulty, Josh. I feel like I’m letting you down”  Tyler was sobbing now, getting those words out was really painful and the way Josh looked at him with such sadness in his eyes made it that much more difficult. He had so much more to say, but the sobs were choking him, not allowing him to speak properly.  He could feel something soft on his shoulder , wetting his shirt and realized it was Josh’s face pressed to him tightly.  He was also crying, but his tears were quietly rolling down his checks, eyes closed, breath ragged and uneven.  All of this was so unfair, Tyler wasn’t supposed to have a breakdown and upset Josh who was in enough pain as it is, but there was no stopping now. All he could do was turn around and press Josh’s face to his chest, caressing his hair and crying like a child.  All the images from half an hour ago, when he was back in the white office listening to the medical report were rushing in, gripping Tyler’s heart and making him sick. Josh was shaking slightly against him and he felt even more guilty for breaking down like that.  Slowly, he found his voice back and summoned enough strength to speak up.

“Josh ? Hey.. “ Josh looked up at him with wet eyes, pain written all over his features. “ Do you want me to get the doctor ? I’ll tell him to give you something for the pain. I can’t stand seeing you like this.” The older man just sighted and relaxed against his chest , closing his eyes and then opening them again. He nodded slowly and Tyler smiled at him.

“Okay. I’ll go get the doc and I’ll be right back” Tyler whipped his tears on the sheets and touched Josh’s cheek to reassure him it was okay. “ It will only take a minute” slowly he extracted himself from Josh and his shivering form and headed outside.

Tyler only made about five or six steps when he literally collided with someone in the corridor. The someone yelped and almost fell down to the ground, but Tyler managed to catch her in the last moment.

“Ash”! the girl needed a few seconds to come back to her senses and when that happened Tyler was engulfed in a massive hug.

“Tyler ! Oh God, I’m so sorry I didn’t see you  “ It was Josh’s sister Ashley beaming at Tyler and he felt comforted by the thought of having her around. She has always been an amazing sister to Josh and a very nice person to talk to.

“ God, Ash, it’s so good to see you” Tyler almost sobbed all over again, but managed to regain some self-control “ I’m so glad you’re here”

“ Me too, Ty, I’m so sorry I couldn’t get here earlier, but you know how it is with my Job, I can’t just diss the kids…” She started to apologize, but Tyler stopped her

“ Please, there’s no need to apologize. You are here now, and that’s all that matters. I’m sure Josh will be so happy to see you” he hugged her again and she happily hugged back . They stayed like that for a while until Tyler let her go, remembering why he left the room at the first place.

“I have to go find the doctor, but you should totally go see him.”

“Is he not sleeping?”

“No, he’s pretty tired, but in a lot of pain that won’t let him rest. That’s exactly why I’m looking for dr. Lewis.”

“Oh” she only managed to say that , worry written all over her face” Please be honest with me, Ty. How bad is it ? I mean … mom and dad have been sending me pictures and updates on his condition, but .. I don’t know If I’m prepared to see him suffer. I don’t think my heart can handle that”

“ It’s bad, Ash, but listen – Josh is strong and he’s going to pull through this. I believe that and I know that you believe it too. Okay ? “ she nodded and patted him on the shoulder. Tyler watched her make her way towards Josh’s room and felt horrible for her. He went to get the doctor and decided to give them some time alone, despite the gutting feeling in the pit of his stomach at the thought of leaving Josh.

*****************

 

It was already evening so the hospital was dark and quiet, leaving Tyler with not much choice on what to do. Wondering around wasn’t an option, but he didn’t feel  like sleeping yet, still bothered by the events earlier today – the medical report, the breakdown, than Ashley …  she was probably still in Josh’s room and he didn’t want to interfere. Walking down the dimmed corridors Tyler remembered the hospital In Damask and felt his stomach twisting in knots. The memory was still fresh in his mind, only a few weeks passed since then and he still remembered all the bloodied bodies on the ground, the moans of pain and the cries for help.  Shaking his head in attempt to chase away the painful memories of uncertainty and fear Tyler hadn’t realized he walked into a chapel, located inside the hospital.  He never even knew the hospital had its own chapel. Walking slowly he made his way towards the benches and sat down. There wasn’t anyone else and it was incredibly quiet and almost dark, the only source of light coming from a beautifully decorated lamp hanging from the ceiling.  It smelled like wax and candles and the temperature was slightly colder than back in the hospital corridors. It was nice, surprisingly quiet and tranquil and Tyler closed his eyes.  Just as he was relaxing into half sleep and half dreaming his phone buzzed.

**Josh: Did you get lost ?**

Tyler snorted,  but his heart was racing fast in his chest. It was thrilling every time Josh talked to him, the messages were being written slowly and with great difficulty.

**Tyler: Hey J. No, I stumbled into Ashley outside of your room and thought I’d leave you guys alone for a while.  Is she still there ?**

**Josh: nah, went 2 have some coffee and probably cry**

Tyler understood how Ashley felt. The whole situation was pretty overwhelming and required some getting used to.  Seeing her brother so hurt must’ve been a huge shock.

**Tyler: Are you feeling better ?**

Another long pause , as Josh needed almost a full minute to write the next message

**Josh: Arms stil hurt a lot. that therapy was awful**

**Tyler: :(**

**Tyler: Do you need more painkillers?**

Another minute of nothing and then Tyler’s phone buzzed

**Josh: no**

**Josh: need u**

Tyler made his way to Josh’s room quickly and knocked three times in a row to indicate it was him before coming in.  This way Josh always knew it was Tyler and didn’t get frightened when he walked in.

Josh was so concentrated in writing a message he didn’t notice Tyler walking in, but jumped slightly when he heard the buzzing of Tyler’s phone.

**Josh: dat sounded dirty**

When Tyler read the message he laughed loud and bright and shook his head.

“You dork” he smiled at Josh who beamed back and made Tyler’s heart sink to his heels.  This smile was the purest and softest thing he has ever seen. He gets to see it so rare these days and breaks his heart into pieces.  “ So you missed me ? “ Tyler said through tears and sat down on the bed next to Josh who tapped on the screen of his tablet slowly and wincing every once in a while

**Josh : yea**

**Josh: u r sappy but I forgive u**

Tyler smiled again

“ God I’ve missed you smiling so much” he tried not to make himself cry again and instead concentrated on the smile he got in return. Crinkling at the corners, Josh’s eyes were two deep pools of affection, kindness and love. Well they used to be, before his mind was filled with mind numbing terror that gripped him hard and only let go in brief moments like this.

**Josh: pls don’t cry again**

Is what Tyler got in response which made him even more ashamed of his breakdown earlier. Josh was too troubled and upset without Tyler’s outbursts.

“Yeah I won’t. I’m sorry I was such a mess earlier. But … I really am proud of you.  I know you’re trying your best. I am too”

**Josh: luv u bro**

“Yeah yeah all that sappy shit again” Tyler laughed, but hugged Josh gently, feeling his muscles tensing for a second at the touch, but relaxing eventually. “ I love you too, J.” Tyler whispered and felt a sigh coming from Josh, followed by a wince.  “ Let me know if I’m hurting you, okay ? “ Josh just buried his head in Tyler’s shoulder and huffed out unsteady breaths.

Tyler laid in the dark and held on to Josh as If he was going to disappear into thin air from his spot on the bed. His breathing was still heavy and labored, muscles tense and twitching every once in a while probably from some kind of unvoiced pain.   Tyler must’ve dozed off at some point because the noises that came from the curled up figure next to him startled him and made him lift himself up on his hands to take a better look.

Josh was crying, cradling his hands in front of him and completely curled up on himself.  He would probably sob if he had the voice to do so, but all that came out were wet, chocked up sounds, filled with terror and fear. Tyler instantly reached for Josh , to try and comfort him somehow, but the shaking man shrank back and pressed himself to the wall, eyes closed tightly shut. He was shaking his head and mouthing something, but Tyler couldn’t understand.

“Josh ? Josh it’s Tyler, you’re okay” Tyler tried to calm him down from what must’ve been a night terror or some extremely violent memory, but Josh just kept crying into his folded arms, shaking his head and mouthing the same words again and again.

“It’s alright Josh, you’re home, you’re safe, don’t be afraid” Tyler kept trying, but with no effect. Josh was just shaking harder , squeezing his eyes shut and pressing himself against the wall, as if he could crawl into it and disappear.

“Don’t” Tyler heard him whisper as he touched Josh’s shoulder” Don’t , don’t , don’t” it was being repeated again and again, mixed with a string of “please” and “no” .

The whole scene was so heartbreaking Tyler wondered if he was going to lose his mind before sunrise.  Nothing could be done to make Josh feel any better or less terrified, no words had any effect on him, no touch could calm his heart, racing with terror. All he could do was lay as close as possible and wait for the panic attack or whatever was gripping Josh so hard to end. 

Tears were burning Tyler’s vision as he reached  for his phone and typed in a number he still remembered even after all these months of not using it.  It was a moment of weakness, of helplessness and Tyler knew it, but he still dialed the number in a desperate attempt to find some source of comfort in this living hell. A sleepy female voice answered and Tyler’s heart stopped mid-beat

“ Hello ? Tyler, is that you ? “ the voice was now more awake, slightly alarmed and surprised

“ Jenna” his voice was shaking so hard he could barely say her name when it broke” I’m sorry, I’m sorry about everything, I just can’t do this alone, I can’t and I’m sorry” Tyler let the words flow out, along with the tears. He hasn’t heard Jenna for months and it was all his fault. Everything was his fault and he didn’t know how to live with that.

“ Tyler calm down, what’s wrong ? Why are you crying ? Please tell me what’s wrong, you’re scaring me” and Tyler knew exactly why she was scared , it was thanks to all his late night desperate acts of self-destruction , all of the breakdowns and meltdowns Jenna had to deal with while Josh was missing. Tyler knew he shouldn’t have called her, he didn’t have the right to put all of this on her after all of the stress and worry she carried around thanks to him, but he just couldn’t do this alone. He knew he’d break eventually , without someone giving him the sort of strength Jenna could give him.  He was also doing this for Josh who needed him and needed someone familiar and kind like Jenna around as well. 

“Tyler ? “ now her voice sounded smaller, weaker. “ Please tell me you didn’t do something stupid again. Tell me you’re okay”

“ I’m… I’m not , Jenna. It’s Josh … I need you, God I know I don’t have the right to ask anything of you, but … but .. it’s not just for me, it’s for Josh too” Jenna was stunned into silence , not fully understanding what was Tyler talking about.

“What about him, Tyler ? What about Josh ?”  but the only answer Jenna got was a string of sobs “ Tyler tell me where you are and I will come over. Just tell me where you are ? Please ? “ Tyler somehow managed to tell her  he’s at the University Hospital of Columbus and heard her say that she’ll be right over. It was early in the morning, probably around 4 am and he wanted to tell her not to come, but he couldn’t form coherent words, just sobs and apologies.  When Jenna told him a couple of times that she’ll be there soon and hung up the phone he turned towards Josh who was still shaking and crying and wondered how in the Universe was he going to survive all of this without losing a part of his mind.

Nothing could distract him from the pitiful sounds Josh was making as they hit him straight in the heart. All he could do was lay on his side, facing his best friend and wonder if maybe, in a different world and different time all of this could be avoided. Maybe they were happy in another dimension or a parallel Universe, where none of this has happened and they were probably on tour, selling out arenas. These memories, of playing shows and sharing their music with the world seemed so far away, so long ago, it could be mistaken for a dream, something made up by Tyler’s exhausted mind.  For the first time in very long time his fingers _itched_ to hold a pen.  That scared him, because at one point, Tyler was absolutely sure about that moment coming,  Josh’s hands will itch in the same way, but to hold drum sticks. 

“I’m so sorry” he whispered “ I know this will be so hard, but you’ll get through it, Josh, you’re so strong and you’ll get through it. “ at some point Josh has stopped crying , but stayed curled in on himself, with his back against the wall and head buried in his hands. Tyler carefully put a gentle hand on his shoulder and when Josh didn’t flinch away he proceeded in carefully turning him on his back, so that he wasn’t lying on his broken ribs. Josh’s eyes were opened now, staring at Tyler as if he’s seeing him for the first time. 

“It’s okay, J, I’m here. You’re going to be okay, shhhh” as many nights prior to this, Tyler spent it comforting Josh who seemed too scared to go to sleep.  When the message from Jenna light Tyler’s phone and said “ I’m at the hospital’s entry” , it filled him with dread, but also relief that _finally_ , he won’t be alone in this.  And maybe, just maybe, the bone crushing weight of the situation will get a little bit easier to bear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again thank you for reading. Writing this story always makes me emotional , because there's a lot of research involved and the stuff I read about captivity, torture and PSTD is truly sickening and terrifying. I hope my writing isn't a complete mess and I have managed to transfer some of those emotions into the story. 
> 
> Leaving comments not only makes me super happy, but also helps this story develop . So thank you ALL SO MUCH for taking the time. I'd really love to get to know you guys better, so if you have a blog , hit me up and let's become friends :)
> 
> my url is http://i-m-a-goner-takeitslow.tumblr.com/


	17. But right now the ocean is blacker than black, the sky is too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you go the new mess of a chapter. It came out kinda long as well and there's multiple points of view. There's a flashback towards the end of it that's kinda intense. I don't know if I should put any triggers so I won't , but just in case heads up. 
> 
> Stay safe, guys.   
> Stay alive |-/

Tyler’s stomach was full of knots as he made his way down towards the hospital entry, on shaky legs and  with red-rimmed and swollen eyes. Last night was tough, first he was kept awake by Josh’s panic ridden dreams and hallucinations that went on for hours and later, when the worst was over and Josh finally fell asleep in exhaustion Tyler guarded him until morning light seeped through the thick curtains and the soft buzz of his phone informed him of Jenna’s arrival. 

Tyler still couldn’t comprehend how, after all the shit he has put her through the past 8 months, Jenna was still there for him the moment he needed her support.  She didn’t hesitate, didn’t ask questions or push him to talk. She just said she’d be there and here she was, standing in the morning sun, looking nervous, but happy to see him. 

After Josh went missing, everything in Tyler’s life went to hell, including his career and personal life.  The news of Josh’s disappearance threw the singer into a frantic panic attack and the fact that nobody knew his fate, whether he was dead or alive left Tyler buried deep in depression and anxiety. At first everyone was hoping that Josh has made it to safety and wasn’t killed or captured like the most of his companions in the convoy he was a part of. But as months went on there was no news from Syria, no sign of Josh being alive, but no body to prove that he wasn’t.  To Tyler it was the worst situation possible, all the questions and horrifying possibilities eating him alive and not letting him breathe.  It was hard for everyone around Tyler, not only because Josh was their friend and family as well, but because they had to deal with Tyler’s depression and mental breakdown too.  Tyler felt guilt , embedded deeply in his bones , a feeling he could never escape. He let Josh go to this extremely dangerous place all by himself. He didn’t try to stop him, at least not hard enough. He didn’t fly to see him and convince him to go back home . He didn’t. He felt responsible, guilty, ashamed of himself.  There wasn’t anything anyone could say to make him feel better or lessen the self-loathing that raged deep inside of him.  All of that anger, guilt and pain Tyler directed to himself. 

He wouldn’t eat for days or threw up all of his stomach’s content right after eating.  Nothing tasted good anymore.  Nothing felt good anymore. Nothing felt _right._  Sleeping was another struggle. Not only Tyler couldn’t sleep, but he also got his worst breakdowns at night , when his mind was most vulnerable and weak. He’d spent whole nights crying and another ones just sitting for hours without moving an inch, staring at the wall – thinking, imagining. _Fearing._

And the things distributed by the media fueled his fears.  Josh’s disappearance made it into the news and of course everyone took the opportunity to make big stories out of it, writing about the horrors of war and the things that happen to its victims. And as much as Tyler tried to stay away from the spotlights he couldn’t avoid the tabloids and paparazzi who asked him all of the painful questions he tried not to ask himself.  It was absolute nightmare,  everywhere he turned there was a reminder of what happened to Josh, a reminder of how guilty he was. 

It felt like being buried alive, 6 feet deep with no air and no light and no hope. People told him to stay strong, to keep hoping, but they didn’t understand that _Josh was his strength_ , he was _Tyler’s hope._  It was pathetic how dependent on his best friend he’s become over the years spent together, but their bond ran deeper than any eyes could reach. It felt like a part of him has been ripped away, a chunk of his soul raw and bleeding and _gone ._

Jenna was the only anchor Tyler had left, the only stable and grounding thing in his life 6 feet under.  She was there for him even when he didn’t want her to be, because he felt like he didn’t deserve it.  And of course she was suffering too, feeling every ounce of pain Tyler felt and absorbing it all for his benefit.  She also lost her sleep and her appetite, something Tyler couldn’t accept.  It was his fault and his fault only, he couldn’t let other people suffer because he was weak. Especially  Jenna, the last person on Earth who deserved to suffer like that. 

They fought a lot whenever Tyler tried to tell Jenna she was too good for him and he didn’t deserve her. It always ended up with tears and broken glass, but Jenna never left. She always stayed and picked up the pieces from the broken glasses and shattered hearts.  And Tyler was mad, he was angry at her for loving him too much to let him go.

One night, after they had a big argument and Tyler screamed at her that she was wasting her time with him and deserved so much better she refused to leave , just like she always did. In his desperation, he sworn to her that if she doesn’t leave him the hell alone he will kill himself.  Jenna was scared, but refused to believe he would actually do it and desperately promised him things will get better if he held on. Nothing got better, in fact it only got worse. Tyler was prescribed more pills to help with his depression and sleeplessness.  People kept telling him he should move on and that’s what Josh would want for him, but all his focus was on that bottle of pills, hidden underneath his mattress.

Jenna was the person who kept Tyler from tripping over the edge of hopelesness until she finally couldnt. It was too much for both of them and it hurt Tyler more than it helped him. He hasn't seen his wife for over 4 months and now it was bittersweet looking at her gorgeous face, only a few feet away from him.

Jenna was fiddling with her sunglasses , standing tiredly in front of the hospital entry. She looked up and the moment she saw Tyler through the glass entry doors her face lightened up into а smile, but her eyes were shining with unshed tears. She lunched forward, arms flying open to engulf Tyler into a hug, which he accepted, wrapping his own arms around her. Warmth spread through his entire being, filling every fiber of his tired body and making him feel  safe, for the first time in so long. The tears came the moment he heard Jenna’s voice in his ear, saying “I’ve missed you so much, Tyler, so much” and he couldn’t stop them from flooding his vision and wetting her hair, where he had his face pressed.

“Shhhh” he heard her say over his own sobbing and tried to focus on her voice, instead of all the pain that was bubbling up in his chest

“Tyler, come on baby, breathe for me” Jenna was holding Tyler’s face in her hands, trying to calm the frantic man, whipping his tears with her thumbs. “ It’s okay, just breathe, take deep breaths, there we go” she was taking deep breaths herself, getting him to follow her pattern.

“I’m sorry” Tyler was whispering again and again” I’m so sorry” and he wasn’t sure exactly what he was apologizing for, but it just came out of him in waves. 

“Shhh it’s okay, baby, come on ,let’s go sit down for a second okay ? “ she never let go of him as she lead both of them inside the hospital lobby and sat down on one of the waiting room benches.  Tyler has stopped sobbing by now, only hiccups leaving his sore throat. The tightness in his chest was almost suffocating him, making him lightheaded and weak.  He clung to Jenna , afraid that if he let her go she’d leave and he’ll be all alone again ,dealing with this nightmare by himself.

“Tyler, darling ? “ Jenna raised his head from her shoulder and looked him in the eyes. “ Please tell me what’s wrong ? Why are you in the hospital ? Are you alright ? she sounded so worried Tyler felt shame and guilt flooding him. He literally called her in the middle of the night and told her he’s at the hospital and hung up.  She was probably worried out of her mind and he owed her an explanation. Well he owed her a lot more than that, but it was a start.

“ I- I’m okay. It’s not me, I’m fine” his voice was rough from crying. “ It’s .. it’s Josh” that made Jenna gape at him.

“What ? What about Josh ?”

“ I should’ve told you earlier … I-I’m sorry, I should’ve called you.. I … “ he was babbling, words coming out in one breath, voice shaking. “

“ What ? You should’ve told me what Tyler ? “ Jenna looked seriously worried now, her eyes scanning Tyler’s face, trying to figure out what is wrong with him.

“ They found Josh. It happened a few weeks ago, I-I got a call and … and I left for Syria .. and .. he was there and he… oh God, Jenna it was horrible, so fucking horrible “ Tyler was crying again, unable to stop the tears. The pictures of Josh back in the hospital in Damask were still so fresh and raw in his memory. Josh was literally torn apart,  bleeding from everywhere and so close to dying it was still a mystery how he survived long enough to be rescued.

“Josh is alive ?? Tyler is he alive ? Is he here ?” Jenna’s voice was now a few octaves higher

“ Yeah.. he’s up in the intense care unit”

“ Oh my god” Jenna’s hands were covering her face in disbelief “ Oh my God baby, that’s amazing ! I can’t believe it, oh my God” Tyler was smiling, but he knew that the hardest part was about to come next.

“Yeah, it is” he whispered as she hugged him” but… he’s really hurt.. he barely survived the ride home and … and I don’t know if he will ever recover from all of this “ Jenna was shaking now in his embrace. It was difficult hearing this, but he had to tell her the truth before she went to see Josh.

“ Josh .. he.. was tortured, Jenna” she let out a sob at that” he was kept locked up and they tortured him and now he can’t talk and he’s barely moving because he’s in pain all the time”

“I want to see him” Jenna was untangling herself from Tyler, determined to do it “ Is that okay ? Can you take me to his room ? “

“Yeah” Tyler was whipping his face with his sleeves, desperately wishing he could stop crying for a goddamn minute. “ Okay, baby I’ll take you there. Just … just .. it’s going to be shocking, okay ? He’s changed a lot and there’s a lot of visible trauma too, so .. just .. just keep it in mind. “ No amount of words could prepare Jenna to what she was about to witness, but Tyler still like he should warn her somehow.

They stood up from the bench, steadying each other and walked down the dark corridor, leading to the ICU. Nurses and doctors were giving them sympathetic looks as they passed by other rooms along the way. It must’ve been really bad, if everyone was pitying Tyler, he thought to himself _. Of course it was bad. Everyone could probably hear Josh screaming in his sleep all the way to the roof of the building every night._

As they reached Josh’s room Jenna grabbed Tyler’s hand and squeezed tight

“ Is he really here?” she sounded both nervous and excited

“Yes, he’s there” Tyler confirmed and kissed her forehead “ It’s possible that he’s having another nightmare or night error, so don’t get scared if you hear him make noises and stuff” what Tyler meant was “ if you hear him screaming his head off or trying to rip his IV out of his hands” , but he couldn’t say it out loud.

“ Okay “ is all Jenna said before they entered the dark room, holding hands.

Josh was lying on his back and the cover was only pulled up to his waist.  This revealed the massive amount of bruises and still healing wounds that decorated his entire chest and stomach. Jenna gasped and clamped her hand over her mouth; afraid she might scream and wake everyone up.  Tyler was absolutely right when he said it will be shocking. Not only Josh’s body was covered in evidence of abuse, but he was so underweight it made her stomach twist.  His chest, once muscular and broad looked sunken in, ribs sticking out, collar bone showing through black and yellow skin.  The abs Josh once had were now just skin , stretching from one sharp hipbone to the other, making him look anorexic.  Rope burns, or at least the evidence of it hugged Josh’s neck and wrists and painted it in black and blue. His gauges and nose ring were gone,  brown hair messy and slightly longer than usual splayed on the pillow underneath his head.  Short stubble was framing his face, but he still looked so young, so defenseless.  Purplish bags underneath his eyes indicated severe lack of sleep and judging by the way his chest was rising and falling fast and almost frantic it seemed like he wasn’t peacefully sleeping now either.  Tyler hugged Jenna, as she took the horrifying picture in front of her. It was painful, so painful looking at Josh like this.

As Jenna slowly and quietly neared the bed her heart completely shattered when she noticed the tears running down his cheeks, his eyes squeezed shut and expression of someone utterly scared. His breathing was so fast she was afraid Josh was going to hyperventilate, as his body was jerking helplessly. Before Tyler could warn her, Jenna reached out to touch Josh’s cheek and wipe the tears from it.  

 

Everything happened so fast Tyler could barely react. Jenna’s touch triggered a violent reaction from Josh who let out a strangled noise of distress and threw himself back against the wall , gasping from the pain in his ribs and the wounds on his back. His eyes were still squeezed, but now he was crying more openly, hands coming up to hide his face and bring more pain to the bruised and sore shoulder joints.  He looked like a frightened, caged animal, the fear radiating from him in tidal waves.

 

Tyler has managed to pull Jenna back a bit, so she wasn’t standing directly in front of the bed, so that Josh wasn’t feeling cornered or threatened.  She was stunned into shock, everything that was happening too much, too real and shocking to process. This wasn’t Josh, it couldn’t possibly be the person she saw over 8 months ago. This frightened and tormented human being with his eyes now wide opened was staring at her with such fear Jenna wanted to run out of the room and forget she ever came here.

Tyler was now kneeling down in front of the bed, whispering in quiet and calming voice something soothing that made Josh cry even harder, arms reaching out for Tyler.  Josh must’ve woken up from whatever nightmare he was having because now his eyes looked more clear and less frightened, but the fear and pain still lingering there. Tyler of course compiled right away, climbing onto the bed and hugging Josh as gentle as he could manage.  The older man’s face was pressed into Tyler’s chest, his eyes closed and body still shaking. It took another 10 minutes to calm him down to a level where he wasn’t crying anymore and finally looked completely present.

 

Jenna was observing the scene in front of her with quiet terror, wondering what kind of horror a person has to live through to trigger such a violent reaction to a simple human touch.  She held her ground and didn’t leave the room, but stayed quiet and still while Tyler was taking care of Josh in a way that spoke of how frequent this kind of situation must be.  She didn’t miss how Josh whispered barely audible “sorry” a couple of times which made all of her insides hurt. 

 

“Hey Josh, you know who came to see you ? “ Josh looked up at Jenna again and as their eyes met she saw the softness and kindness that would always burst out of him with every look, every word. Yes, this was their Josh. The softness of his smile was melting her heart and she kneeled by the bed to take his hand in hers.

 

“Hey Josh” Jenna whispered and caressed his hand, carefully avoiding his bruised wrist and swollen fingers. “ God I’ve missed you so much, we all have” she was crying again, but this time with happy tears.  They had Josh back, after all of those months of absence and painful waiting, he was finally here. 

 

Tyler and Jenna both spent the next couple of hours in Josh’s room, mostly making sure he wasn’t going to have another nightmare and keeping him company until the nurses came in for his morning procedures.  When they had to leave, Tyler made sure Josh had his cellphone nearby so that he could text him at any time if he needed him.  Tyler hugged him, he always did when he had to leave his friend’s room and it always provoked this painful tug deep in his chest.  Josh clung to him just as tight, well as tight as his shoulders were allowing him, but Tyler knew it was just as hard for him to let go.

 

“I’ll be back as soon as you’re done here okay ? “ Tyler promised and ruffled Josh’s hair playfully and received a smile and a nod.

 

He then grabbed Jenna’s hand and they both left the room shaken up. Outside Ashley, Josh’s younger sister was sitting on a waiting chair and flipping through a magazine. When she noticed them walking out she instantly stood up and hugged both of them, asking how Josh was doing.  They chatted for a bit and since Ashley was very persistent on buying them breakfast and since they were both starving , Tyler, Jenna and Ashley went out to a nearby restaurant to have a quick meal.

 

There, after the stressful night and emotional reunion with his wife Tyler could finally tell the story of Josh’s return back home. Both Ashley and Jenna wanted and deserved to hear it, so he did his best to tell them everything minus all the gory details. How he received the unexpected call and left for Syria,  how basically complete strangers helped Josh , risking their own life to get him out of danger, he told them about Dr. Morgan, Richard and the rescue operation that involved both American and Syrian soldiers.  It was an emotional conversation that inevitably ended with more tears from both Jenna and Ashley, but also the idea of inviting dr. Morgan and Richard to visit Josh was being suggested which Tyler completely welcomed. He was sure that Josh will be happy to see the people who literally saved his life. 

 

 He also tried to describe Josh’s injuries, without getting explicit or too graphic, but considering how badly he was hurt it was still pretty difficult to hear.  Jenna told Tyler she will stay at the hospital with him, because no one should go through that alone and she really wanted to help. Josh was Tyler’s best friend, but he has carved himself a special place in Jenna’s heart and she looked at him as a family member, or even a brother.  She had no doubt in her heart or mind about helping him in any way possible.

 

When Jenna asked if they’ve told anyone else about Josh’s return he violently shook his head and told her they kept it a secret, mostly because of all the noise the media will make. Plus he knew that paparazzi had no qualms about coming to the hospital and trying to get a picture or an interview and would camp outside for weeks if they had to. This was definitely not what Josh needed right now, considering his fragile mental state and anxiety amplified by all the traumatic events. Jenna promised him she won’t tell absolutely anyone, even her family about it, because it was risky with more people knowing.

 

They left the restaurant about half an hour later, because Tyler wanted to make sure he was going to be there when Josh is ready.  He had a busy schedule for the day, full of tests, specialist appointments and therapy sessions. It was exhausting; Tyler could see how tired Josh looked at the end of each day of prodding, stitching and pulling at his sore body.  That’s why he wanted to stay with Josh as much as he could, take his mind off the bad stuff and calm him down as much as he could. And now that Josh could write, despite being slow and still pretty difficult it was still a big progress and allowed them to have some sort of conversation going.  And Tyler was so grateful for that .

 

The familiar phone buzzing made Tyler jump a little as he withdrew the phone from his pocket. It was Josh. He smiled to himself as he opened the message

 

**Josh: Ty I don’t feel so well**

Tyler’s smile dropped immediately. Heart pounding he picked up the pace and walked as fast as he could

 

**Tyler: Why what’s wrong ? Did something happen ?**

**Josh:  My head hurts nd I can’t feel my legs**

Oh God oh God .. Tyler was panicking, this wasn’t good, something was very wrong.

**Tyler : Did you press the emergency button ? Is there anyone there with you ?**

 

**Josh : I tried but my shoulders hurt too much and I cant lift my hands**

**Tyler: It’s okay, everything’s gonna be fine, I’ll be there in a minute**

Tyler’s vision was blurring, but he somehow managed to find dr. Lewis’s number and call him.  He talked so fast it was a miracle the doctor managed to understand what tyler was saying and when he hung up he literally ran the few blocks leading to the hospital. Jenna and Ashley ran along, asking Tyler what was happening and why were they running, but he couldn’t waste a breathe talking, when he had to be _there,_ Josh was scared and something was wrong so he had to be there. He was only a few minutes away when a new message came in and it was barely readable – words jumbled and messy

**Josh:  Idontwannag o bac kthere**

The final sprint was burning his lungs and his legs were also on fire. He couldn’t remember the last time he ran so fast or for so long. Or the last time he was so scared. Actually he was scared all the time and living in constant fear of the worst makes you numb sometimes.  But right now he was anything but numb as he ran into the hospital and headed straight for Josh’s room , but it was already crowded there so he was stopped just outside.

“ Please mr. Joseph , you will have to wait outside. I’m sorry, but you can’t enter the room right now” – it was Jess the nurse, who looked  just as worried as Tyler

“Jess, please just tell me what’s happening? What’s wrong ? Why is everyone inside ?”

“ Just take a sit here and dr. Lewis will update you on Josh’s condition as soon as they’re done, alright ?

“ Please Jess” Tyler almost screamed, grabbing her hand, ready to fall to his knees and beg for any kind of information” Please just tell me what’s wrong ? I promise I won’t bother you, I’ll sit here and wait, just please please tell me something”  and Jess finally gave in, shooting a look at the door

“ We think Josh is having a stroke”

 

*****************************************

 

_Josh knew something bad was about to happen to him tonight. From all the time spent in the darkness of his freezing cell he has learned a few things about his captors and one of them was when they are angry or frustrated they always end up taking their anger and frustration out on him. He’d spent all night listening to them interrogate a Kurdish soldier, or at least he supposed that the man was one, from what he could gather out of the interrogation , but he was stoic and determent not to talk . But he screamed and screamed so loud and desperate Josh wished he could go deaf and never have to hear something like this in his life. It went on for hours, the terrorist shouting questions and then the soldier screaming in agony, but not giving them any answers. Finally the screaming stopped and Josh was secretly hoping the man was dead, because being tortured like that and left here was equal to death sentence, but a very cruel one he wouldn’t wish upon anyone.  So now that the screaming has stopped he felt both relieved that he didn’t have to listen to the awful sounds , but also completely terrified of the upcoming torture that was probably about to happen to him._

_It was quiet for a while and Josh could only hear his own heartbeat in his ears, thrumming in a rhythm that spelled **terrified.** This was even worse than the punishment itself, not knowing what’s about to happen to him and waiting for them to come in and whip him, electrocute him or rape him. He wasn’t even afraid of death anymore and the thought of being killed was bringing peace rather than fear. They’ve come close to killing him before, but they never crossed that line, never being merciful enough to finally end his suffering. _

_He didn’t have much time to dwell on that when heavy footsteps neared his cell and stopped in front of the door. It opened with a loud squeak and Josh instinctively flinched back against the wall he was chained to. The intense fear was bringing tears to his eyes and he lifted his hands to protect his face as one of the guards neared him. He was then grabbed roughly by the hair and pressed to the ground, face first, a boot landing heavily on his back to keep him there. Josh made a noise of distress and fear and earned a sharp kick to the ribs, to the left side that still somehow managed to survive without anything broken. Another kick, and then another, followed by loud cracking sound and explosion of unbearable pain.  Josh didn’t fight, he just laid on the ground, trying to take a breath through the excruciating pain in his ribs as his hands were unchained from the wall and cuffed behind his back. His left shoulder screamed in protest, still healing from being dislocated and the new position was putting too much stress on the joint.  With a brain overloaded with pain and body that wouldn’t cooperate Josh couldn’t think of anything else to do, but beg._

_“Please” he wheezed through the agony in his lungs “ Please don’t”  it was pointless, it always was, but he couldn’t help it. “ Please stop”_

_But they didn’t stop the assault and after his hands were twisted behind him he was being lifted up and dragged out of his cell and further down the corridor. Heart beating fast, coughing and heaving Josh barely managed to follow the man dragging him by the collar on his neck. They reached another cell that looked slightly bigger than his, but wasn’t the size that brought his attention, but it’s contents._

_Inside, tucked to the further corner of the cell was a cage, made of steel and looking way too small to fit a human being inside. While his fogy brain was wondering if this cage was meant for him another guard made his way towards it and unlocked it. There was a dangerous gleam in his eyes that made him shiver all over. This kind of look always meant something bad was about to happen that his captors were going to enjoy very much._

_Josh was pushed towards the cage and as he got near enough to stand in front of it , it hit him how small the cage actually was. It wasn’t even tall enough to fit him kneeling, so he would probably have to fold himself in half to fit inside. This position was going to be hell for his already sore and bruised body that could barely handle laying on the ground.  His survival instincts kicked in and he began struggling in the iron grip the guard had on his bound hands._

_“ No !” Josh screamed out this time “ No ! Please no!” he was actually surprised at the strength he still had left after all the days spent starving as he kicked out with his legs and managed to hit the guard in the knee and make him lose balance.  He used that to slip out of his grip and take the couple of steps back that separated him from the wall behind, pressing his back against it as if it could swallow him and save him from the punishment that was sure to follow.  Both guards looked surprised at first , but then the surprise grew into anger and the guard who used to hold his chain whipped out a cattle prod out of his belt and made his way towards Josh who instantly fell on his hands and knees and tried crawling away._

_The cattle prod landed on his spine and sent an explosive spark of pain up and down his back that made him fall to the ground. Another electric shock landed on his side , near his stomach and caused even greater pain than the one before.  The other guard seemed to join the fun because now two sources of  electricity were shocking him all at once and Josh thought he could probably die if this continued any longer.  The pain was so great his throat was raw from screaming and his body was shaking from sensory overload. With half a mind he heard one of the guards say_

_“ Get inside the cage” and the other one laughed and added:_

_“ Go to your cage dog. Crawl to your cage” and they stopped shocking him, letting him crumble to the floor , like a puppet with its strings cut off. Trying to catch his breath, Josh scrambled to the cage, the only thought ringing in his head was that the pain will stop if he got inside._

_“Good dog” he heard one of the guards say and the other one processed in cuffing his hands behind his back and to the top of the cage.  It twisted his shoulder and brought tears to his eyes, as pain laced all the way from his shoulder to the tips of his fingers.  He couldn’t take this pain for long, how was he going to survive inside ?_

_And if he thought that the pain was the worst punishment he was  proved wrong, when a blindfold landed on his eyes and headphones, blocking ones were put over his ears, blocking all of his senses at once.  He has never felt so helpless.  He didn’t know if the guards were still in the room or if they were about to hurt him even more. Time stretched so much he couldn’t tell if he has spent a minute or an hour inside the small cage, crumpled inside like some kind of misbehaved dog._

_The position he was in was anything but comfortable. Legs folded underneath him with his stomach and chest pressed to his knees and tights, hands twisted behind and bound to the top of the cage. The metal bars were pressing on his back and sides, squeezing and leaving marks. With his senses completely taken away all of Josh’s focus was on the pain consuming his body, burning his lungs every time he took a breath and lacing through his shoulder with the tiniest movement._

_Nothing happened for a long while, just the white noise of silence and the waves of pain making Josh dizzy and nauseous. Then,  all of a sudden something shocked him out of the half consciousness he was in and sharpened his invaded senses, but stopped just as abruptly as it started. The shocking didn’t come from one specific spot, but spread though his entire body, making him scream and hurt his dry throat. There was no pattern to the assaults, the electricity suddenly and unexpectedly shaking him violently before stopping again. The steel cage, Josh thought hopelessly, it was conducting electricity and since he was tightly pressed against the bars,  that electricity was hitting him everywhere the skin contacted metal. Nothing was worse than this, no torture brought such helplessness and despair as this and he begged, not sure if it was out loud or just in his mind, but he begged for it to stop. He’d do anything, absolutely anything they asked of him just to make it stop and get out of that cage._

_Josh could taste copper in his mouth, he was bleeding , it must be his throat because he was swallowing a lot of blood and screaming was now too painful so he just sobbed. His body was shutting down, drifting him away from the hell his life was right now and he strained towards unconsciousness. But the next electric shock brought him roughly back, shaking his body, lighting it with pain. It repeated every time his mind was falling asleep, trying to preserve whatever was left of it, but his torturers knew it and never let him have that peace._

_It could have been days before the electricity finally stopped coming and Josh’s cramped body was dragged out of the cage and thrown on the dirty floor. The headphones were taken off, but the blindfold was left on his eyes. He wasn’t taken back to his cell, the guards just locked the chain linking to his collar to the wall and left the handcuffs on his wrists, keeping his hands locked together behind his back._

_He stretched his legs and cried out when the muscles cramped hard and joints popped loudly. It was painful, unwinding his body after such a long time being crushed inside the tiny cage.  He could see it from where he was laying on the ground and it looked even smaller than before. How could he ever fit in there ? Whimpering and taking short painful breaths Josh did what he always ended up doing when he felt like he was going to lose his mind._

_“ My name is Joshua William Dun” he whispered, voice raw and raspy “ I’m 28 years old, from Columbus, Ohio. I was taken against my will and kept locked up. I was captured on October 15 th, 2015 in Syria. “ he kept repeating the same sentence, brain already fighting to remember dates and names.  He had to remember who he was, he had to keep that part of himself after they have taken everything else away from him. His name sounded alien to his ears, but if he repeated it enough times at least he wouldn’t forget it. Maybe one day he will use it again, maybe someone will call him “Josh” again, instead of “dog” , “bitch” , or  “ trash”. _

_There, on the freezing cold ground Josh could finally let go of consciousness and let the darkness swallow him. He also let go of the hope that someone will come and help him, save him from this living hell, because it was no use. No one knew where he was, no one could find him and get him out. It was painful to hope, because hoping means expecting something that, in his case could not happen. So losing hope meant freedom, the only freedom he was allowed; he wasn’t going to expect anything anymore, not even death. It will end when it ends and until then he let unconscious take hold and bring the painless sleep he was craving so much._

_************************_

When Josh slowly regained consciousness the first thing he noticed was the softness of the sheets underneath him, opposite to the hard freezing ground he was used to sleep on.  But the darkness still surrounded him, despite the fact that his eyes were opened. Panic laced through him and his hands flew to his face to touch it and take off the blindfold that must be blocking his vision. But as his hands touched his face, he realized he wasn’t wearing one. Then why couldn’t he see ?

He heard voices near him that triggered his instincts and made him flinch back as far as he could from them, feeling the cold wall behind his back. Why couldn’t he see ? Did they poke his eyes out? Made him blind? Voices kept repeating his name which was strange, because back _there_ no one used his name.

“Josh? It’s Tyler, come on buddy, it’s okay, it’s just me” Josh tried to follow the voice with his eyes, but he couldn’t tell where the person was or how close he was.

The name “Tyler” made his brain reel, memories coming back to him, making his head ache. He was at the hospital and Tyler was there , as well as his family. He was safe, he wasn’t in that cell anymore, he was far far away from the horrible cage … but why couldn’t he see ?

Josh reached out with his hands towards Tyler’s voice, trying to make sure he was really there and this wasn’t just a dream. Soft and  slightly cold hands made contact with his, making him flinch for a second. Yes, this was definitely Tyler, his touch so gentle and warming. He kept feeling his hands, trying to pull Tyler closer.

“Josh ? “ now the voice sounded a lot closer, like Tyler was sitting on his bed. He tried to follow the voice with his eyes, but the darkness was so confusing. “ Josh, can you look at me? “ Tyler’s voice now sounded worried and borderline panicking.

“Is there something wrong “ ? A female’s voice has now joined Tyler’s.

“I … I don’t know, something doesn’t feel right. I don’t think he can see me.” Tyler was talking quietly by Josh heard him and nodded , squeezing Tyler’s hand.

“ Josh ?” it was Tyler again, holding his hand tight, almost as scared as Josh to let go “Can you see anything right now?”

Josh shook his head, thank God Tyler was his best friend and figured It out pretty quickly. It would take a whole lot of time to explain to someone he can’t see without being able to _talk._

“It’s okay, I”ll call dr. Lewis “ it was Jess, who left the room to call the doctor. Josh felt his hand shaking in Tyler’s and he tried to pull him closer, needing his friend’s comfort right now. Almost as if reading his mind, Tyler scooted close to Josh and engulfed him in a warm hug.

“It’s okay, Josh, you’re okay, I’ve got you” Tyler was comforting him in any way possible, with his hands, his voice and his presence.  They stayed like that until the someone entered the room and stopped near the bed. Josh didn’t want to flinch back, but his body still jumped and got as far away from the newcomer as possible, dragging Tyler along.

“It’s okay, it’s just dr. Lewis. You remember him right ?” and Josh did remember the doctor, but right now without his sight he couldn’t see him and it could literally be anyone standing there.  But he trusted Tyler.

“Josh can you see the flashlight ?” and no, he didn’t see any flashlight, just pure darkness. So he shook his head and pressed himself closer to Tyler

“All right.  Josh , what you experienced yesterday “ yesterday ? has it been all day since he was awake last ? “ was a stroke. There has been a small bleeding in your brain , which must’ve caused temporary vision loss. it is not uncommon, but it depends on the patient how long it will last.  This is very individual, but hopefully your sight will return within a couple of days “ hopefully Josh thought and closed his eyes. Voiceless and sightless he felt like the Universe was punishing him for every single mistake he has ever made in his life.  He still nodded, showing that he understood and laid his head on Tyler’s shoulder.  The only thing that reminded him he was alive was the soft breath on his cheek, and the quiet words of reassurance that sounded in his ear.  Tyler’s voice must’ve saved so many lives through his songs and the lyrics he wrote, but right now it was Josh’s entire existence that depended on it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this pretty quickly so there might be some mistakes and I apologize for those.  
> You will be SO helpful if you let me know what you think of the story so far.   
> Comments always make my day and give me the motivation to keep writing, so thank you so much to everyone who has commented and came to say hi on my blog :) 
> 
> I hope you're enjoying the story so far and I haven't bored you yet :)


	18. I can't walk and I ain't the same

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the wait guys - It's been a tought week with very little free time. I planned on adding more stuff to this chapter, but the lack of time and sleep messed with my plans a little. 
> 
> Anyway I hope you enhoy it and I will try to upload the next chapter faster this time :)))

The first week of Josh’s blindness was both confusing and scary and it took a lot of adjustments.  Most of the communication between Josh and the rest of the world happened through Tyler, and most specifically through holding and squeezing his hand.  It took them a while to establish some sort of connection that wouldn’t include speech or sight, but to everyone’s surprise they managed to figure out a way to communicate,  despite all the obstacles and difficulties. Tyler’s hand was his anchor, sometimes the only thing that stopped Josh from having a nightmare or a bad flashback , so he held on to it for his dear life. 

Losing his sight also meant losing trust in his surroundings, besides Tyler of course, so it has gotten a bit more difficult to relax and let the doctors do what they needed to , since It often hurt and that didn’t help either.  Every single touch to his skin in the darkness was  terrifying and invading at first, as his brain was painting scary pictures. Memories of the time spent crumpled in the tiny cage with both sight and hearing taken away were making him weak with fear. His entire body would stiffen and freeze, paralysed by fear, but Tyler’s voice was always there to soothe and calm him down.  When someone came in to his room they always spoke first before approaching and Tyler’s hand always found his and gave him courage and strength.

The following few weeks were full of physical therapy appointments as Josh was getting stronger day by day and even gained a few pounds. He still couldn’t eat any food through his mouth, but the nutrition and vitamins  he received  via tube were enough to bring some of his strength back.  He could sit up without help , something that seemed impossible a few weeks ago, as well as flip his legs over the edge of the bed and hold the sitting position for a while.  Walking still seemed pretty impossible to Josh, whose muscles were way too weak to support his weight and his bruised feet still too painful to stand on.  He actually tried standing up once on his own, but it was a huge mistake and ended up with him falling to the floor when the pain in the soles of his feet tore through him and brought him down in an instant.  He tried to catch himself with his hands before he hit the ground, which was another big mistake since it caused even bigger pain in his shoulders  and back.  Thankfully Tyler was only out for a couple of minutes so when he came back he helped Josh back to the bed and called the nurse to give him more painkillers while he was trying to catch his breath.

Josh ached to get out of bed, to go outside, even if it’s just for a couple of minutes – to feel the sun on his skin and the wind in his hair, but the doctors  kept him strictly in bed and since he was pretty much immobile he couldn’t make it on his own. Maybe if he still had his voice, he’d ask Tyler to sneak him out of his room and take him at least to the roof of the hospital, but he couldn’t even to that. 

They’d removed his chest tube a week after the stroke, which was a good thing because he could move around more without it sticking out of his ribs . It has been intact for almost 4 weeks and it was already getting uncomfortable as it bled a lot and tore out a couple of times during his nightmares.  Some of his stitches were taken out as well, leaving Josh with more available lying positions which was a huge relief.  On the other side though his ribs were still causing him a lot of pain and he was told that it will take months for them to heal to the point of not hurting.  Shoulders were another big problem, the pain in his joints not allowing him to lie comfortably on either side, as well as lift heavier things or put weight on them.  The pain didn’t get any less as time went by and Josh started to wonder if they were ever going to recover to their previous state.  This thought usually sent him into silent panic , flashes and images of playing drums in front of crowds making his heart ache. He used to be one of the best drummers around, but now he couldn’t even lift his hands to touch his own hair because it hurt too much.

He hated crying in front of Tyler, because it upset him and there was no way Josh could tell him why he was crying. Tyler would get all worried and sometimes cried himself which made Josh feel even worse.  Guilt was something he felt on daily basis. Guilt for bringing all of this horror on the people he loved. Guilt for being so damn helpless and pathetic, making everyone’s life that much more difficult. He felt guilty every time he heard his mom or Tyler cry, he felt guilty for ruining his best friend’s marriage and making his life a complete mess.  He’s heard about survivor’s guilt, but only now that he’s made it alive out of a sure death kind of situation he understood what that meant. Every night the nightmares brought back the voices and faces of people who were trapped there with him at one point or another, but didn’t make it out alive. He’d witnessed so many deaths, so many innocent lives torn out of their tortured bodies he couldn’t help but feel guilty.

Time was moving really slowly for Josh since there wasn’t much he could do to keep himself busy.  While Tyler spent majority of his time with Josh, there were still plenty of moment when he head to stay alone, especially when doctors decided he needed rest and shooed everyone out of his room.  Those were his least favourite times, because that’s when the voiced grew loud in his head, screaming and yelling, causing his mind to go places he’d rather forget.

His only getaway was music and he was endlessly grateful to Tyler for bringing him his headphones and putting together a playlist with 99% of Josh’s favorite songs on it.  Music has always been a driving force in his life, something he used on daily basis in the never ending battles with insecurities and demons.  It helped him to get from point A to point B and right now point B was getting out of this hospital bed.  Tyler has put plenty of Twenty one pilots songs on Josh’s phone and hearing them for the first time in months has been both incredibly difficult and exciting at the same time.   Tyler’s voice sounded as beautiful as ever, even more so now, that he listened to the songs with all of his other senses gone.  It felt like listening to all their songs for the first time, but with more attention to the detail. Suddenly Josh craved to hear Tyler sing to him, right there from his spot beside his hospital bed.  If he could only ask Tyler to bring his ukulele with him and sing him a tune … that would be everything Josh has ever wanted.

But of course he couldn’t ask for anything right now and to be honest with himself he didn’t feel like he deserved anything good happening to him anyway.  Yes, he has suffered tremendously while being kept locked up, but that didn’t change all of the awful things he had to do in order to survive.   And the more he laid alone, surrounded by darkness in his hospital bed the more he remembered – what he has done and what was done to him. He didn’t want the memories, didn’t welcome them, but they crept on him anyway, drowning him in guilt, regret and still lingering pain.

Josh was dying to talk to Tyler, it was one of the things he’d missed the most, even more than playing music. The urge to thank him for every little thing he did for Josh was overwhelming and the lack of ability to do so was driving him insane.  All he could do was smile at him, squeeze his hand and hope Tyler got the message.

The darkness was way worse than his disability to speak. It was scary and brought a sense of loneliness and abandonment , the same feelings he had while being trapped in the tiny cell against his will. On the other hand, as much as he missed talking to Tyler , the mere thought of speaking about what he’s been through was terrifying him beyond speech. Some of the things that happened to him were unspeakable. Josh couldn’t describe them using his words, he could never paint the horrifying pictures using syllables and symbols.  Humans aren’t supposed to do things like that to other humans and human bodies are not designed to endure such violence. But here he was, as alive as he could be considering all the damaged he sustained, but far, far too damaged inside, in his very core, to ever speak about it. 

But Josh knew, that once his voice was back ( if it ever did comeback) the questions will follow, along with shrinks and psychotherapists who will take him apart and put him back together in attempt to fix him.  His family will ask questions. Tyler will ask questions. It didn’t terrify him as much, when he thought about talking to Tyler , but he still couldn’t imagine opening up to anyone or even saying it out loud.  Maybe being blind had it’s positive sides, Josh thought bitterly. If he ever found the courage to tell Tyler about the horrors he endured it would be best if he couldn’t see his reaction.  _“He’ll be disgusted with me. He will probably never want to touch me again after he learns the truth_ ”. Josh shook his head. He _was_ disgusting. Filthy. Guilty. People treated him kindly because they didn’t know what he’s done , how fucking disgusting he was inside and out.  _“ It wasn’t your fault, you were forced to do it”_ a small voice at the back of his head spoke, but it couldn’t drown all the images , the memories, the feeling of hands on his skin.  And _his_ hands on stranger’s skin.  The voices asking him to stop. Other voices laughing. The sick feeling of helplessness seeping through his veins. There was no way out, no way to stop it, no way to end it. 

Josh realized he was curled up against the wall, with hands wrapped around his shins, knees pressed to his chest, rocking back and forth. He couldn’t remember getting to this position, but it wasn’t surprising. His thoughts has gone to a dark place again and his body was seeking ways to defend itself against them.  He was shaking, the darkness really getting to him this time. If felt like he was blindfolded again, and instinctively his hands flew to his face to remove whatever was blocking his vision, but there was nothing there.  On the verge of a breakdown , Josh hid his face in his hands, trying to concentrate on something else.  Tyler was going to come back soon. He was going to hug Josh and keep him safe. He imagined the warmth and softness of Tyler’s delicate hands, wrapping around his body, bringing the feeling of safety and content.

The door opened and Josh jumped at his spot on the bed, scarred back pressed tightly against the wall, breath trapped in his lungs.  It was still terrifying even after almost full month out of captivity, when someone walked into his room and now was even worse because he couldn’t see the person. He knew it wasn’t Tyler thought, because he’d always knock softly on the door, three times in a row and then forth time, and only then he’d walk in. It was something like a secret knock, something only  the two of them knew and used. 

This time there wasn’t a knock before the person walked in and Josh’s entire body was tense and strained. A soft female voice greeted him and made him relax a little. Women never hurt him while he was kept _there_ , they were treated just as badly as him, so it was always reassuring to hear a female voice .

“ Hey Josh” it must’ve been Jess, her voice familiar and always careful and soft. “ I’m sorry if I scared you”  she sounded sad and worried, just like most of the people around Josh lately.  “  I assumed you were still sleeping, but wanted to check on you.  Do you need anything ? “  _new body_ Josh thought, but shook his head for “no”.

“Alright .. listen I know this is going to be hard for you, but Tyler can’t come to visit for a while” Josh could feel his blood freeze in his veins.  Heart beating even faster now he could feel panic rising in his chest . How was he going to survive without Tyler’s support ?

A thousand questions were burning his throat, but he couldn’t voice any of them. Instead he just put his head back on his knees and rocked back and forth, doing his best not to completely freak out. 

“ It’s okay, he just got a bit sick, that’s all” Jess was trying to keep her voice light and calming “ It must be some virus ..  but unfortunately that means that he has to keep distance from you. You’re still too vulnerable to microbes and germs. We can’t risk it.  Okay ? It’s only gonna be a few days, until Tyler has it under control”

A few days ?? No. No no no no noo. Spending days in the darkness without Tyler’s hands was too much. 

“Your parents will be here for you” Jess suggested , her voice sounding more and more upset. His distress must be showing on his face after all “ And  Jenna will keep you company too. You won’t be alone , Josh, there are so many people who care about you” she was trying to calm him down, but the truth was that Tyler was the only person who could really make Josh feel safe. Without him Josh felt scared, lonely and … empty.

“Hey” now the nurse’s voice sounded a lot closer and Josh instinctively flinched back, but gathered himself quickly. He wasn’t afraid of her, but it was so easy to imagine _those_ monsters standing right in front of him.  “ Josh.. sweetheart.. I know it’s really hard for you. I can’t even begin to understand how you feel right now, but I know how much strength is required in this kind of situation.  You are doing so well, you have been so brave and strong and I just wanted you to know that. You are making me feel proud to be your nurse “ her voice was barely above whisper, but it was thick and Josh knew she was fighting hard not to cry.  It was beyond him why she was proud of _him ,_ but the emotion that filled her tone made him want to cry too. 

She laid soft and careful hand on Josh’s shoulder and for once he didn’t flinch. She took that as an encouragement and sat closer to him, wrapping her hand around his thin form. He could tell she was crying, breaths uneven and rushed and a new wave of guilt washed over him.  He let himself relax, her embrace reassuring and calming and leaned his head on her shoulder . After she kissed his forehead she spoke again :

“ I know it’s really hard to believe right now , but you are going to get better. Maybe not as good as you used to be, but it won’t always be bad.  Okay ? You are a good person, which is rare these days. God will help you and I will pray for you every day. I will pray for your soul to heal as well and I know that God will hear me” Jess was combing her fingers through his hair when someone else quietly walked in and made Josh jump in her arms.

“ Josh ? it’s Jenna “ he recognized her voice straight away and smiled. Jess let go of him and got up from the bed

“ I just told Josh that Tyler is sick and won’t be able to visit him for a while” she told Jenna

“ But I’ll be here every day to make sure he’s not lonely” Jenna answered and sat down next to Josh on the bed. “ I know I’m not Tyler and all, but I can’t be too boring can I ? “ she asked playfully and Josh smiled. Jenna was like sister to him, plus she made Tyler happy which was a huge bonus. 

While the two talked to each other, Josh tried lying down after spending quite a while in the crumpled position against the wall, but it proved to be a lot more painful than he thought.  Shoulders straining and ribs burning with pain Josh gasped and relaxed against the wall in attempt to get his body under control.  Jenna’s reaction was instant, careful hands guiding him to lie down seconds later. Josh gasped through it, body still too wrecked to move freely and ended up out of breath on his pillow. 

“ I’ll come and check on Josh in two hours. Let me know if you need anything, okay ?

“Thank you , Jess”

“Have some rest, Josh. And don’t worry, Tyler will be as good as new in a few days” with that she left and the dread of Tyler’s absence was stuck in Josh’s stomach like a rock.

 

 

************

 

Tyler has never been so angry with himself in his entire life. Out of all the possibilities to get sick it just _had_ to happen now.  And it wasn’t anything serious, he’d probably brush it off and not even go see a doctor in other circumstances.  But it was serious enough to make Josh very sick so he had to stay away from his friend. Which was absolute torture.

Since Josh has lost his sight after having a stroke a few weeks ago they the two have gotten even closer, if that’s possible.  Tyler would spend around 20 hours a day in Josh’s room which required a couple of heated conversations with the nurses and some convincing that, yes Josh needs rest, but he’s too frightened and fragile to stay alone. The hospital’s politics weren’t allowing it, but considering how unique was Josh’s case they finally bent and let Tyler stay in Josh’s room as long as he needed to, which was pretty much all day. He only left to use the bathroom, shower and change his clothes or to buy something Josh needed.

This of course meant Tyler was a witness of every medical procedure that Josh had to endure on daily basis and to say that it wasn’t pleasant was a huge understatement.  It hurt.  And Tyler knew his best friend better than anyone in the world so he understood how difficult and invading everything felt for Josh who has always been a very private person, as well as a shy one. So being on display like that, even if it was for his own good was anything but comfortable.  He could see Josh’s cheeks blush every time he had his clothes or sheets changed, every time he felt exposed or vulnerable made him squirm and go red-faced.   Tyler also never failed to notice Josh whispering thank you every time a nurse or a doctor attended to him, which made his heart , because his best friend was the kindest person he has ever known and he didn’t deserve all of this happening to him.

But despite all of the hardships and obstacles Tyler would never exchange having Josh by his side for anything in the world.  He was more than willing to sacrifice his personal life for Josh’s sake , even if it meant spending 24 hours a day by his side.  He was starved for interaction with his best friend way too long and now he couldn't get enough. And with the way Josh would cling to him it was pretty obvious that the feeling was mutual.

And right now being away from Josh was so hard even though Jenna was there with him. She'd call Tyler every now and then to update him on how Josh was doing and her voice sounded strained and tired which spoke to him more than words. On the second day of his sickness Mark came over to see him, his expression worried and sad. He was just coming from the hospital to see Josh and the news wern't good

" He refused to get his stitches checked. " Mark told him, shaking his head " Me and Jenna tried to calm him down, but he wouldn't take his shirt off and freaked out when the nurse touched him " it was obvious how affected Mark has been from the experience, eyes shining with tears. " I don't know if he had another bad memory or something, but he spent the last hour or so hiding between the table and his bed " and then the tears came and Mark hid his face in his hands"  We didn't want to push him so we let him be, but he's hurting himself like that"

" Couldn't they give him something ? A sedative of some sort ? " Tyler also wanted to cry from frustration and helplessness. Josh was doing so well , he has made a big progress especially with people touching him, but now thanks to Tyler's stupid virus they were back to zero. He wanted to scream

" They cant come close without him having a mental breakdown " Mark said sadly. I think .... I think I heard him call for you a couple of times. He was whispering something and it sounded like your name "

" This is absolute bullshit" Tyler all but screamed and stood up from his bed. That wasnt the smartest thing to do because he instantly felt nauseous and his head was about to explode. Tyler sat back down in defeat and stared at the wall " It's so fucking unfair you know ? I had to catch this stupid virus right now, when my best friend needs me most. I just cannot believe it, this is bullshit" Mark sat down next to him and put his hand on Tyler's shoulder

" Hey.. Dont blame yourself okay ? You didn't mean to get sick, and you are right that this is some major bs, but this is only going to last for a few days so we have to stay strong for Josh until then, all right ? " Tyler wasnt sure whether Mark was trying to calm him down or said it to persuade himself, but it didnt matter. Nothing could make him feel better right now, besides hugging Josh and feeling his firm heartbeat against his chest.

" God I just want to see him so much.. I just ... I just need to hug him, I want it so bad " Mark hugged Tyler and they stayed like that in silence until Mark had to leave.

Tyler spent a lot of time thinking what he could possibly do to help Josh , but nothing seemed helpful right now. His friend was obviously experiencing very heavy PSTD symptoms and while his physical health wasn’t that great, but still got better as time passed, his psychological condition seemed to get worse and worse.  Josh was obviously in a lot of pain, relieving the traumatic experiences over and over again, probably feeling terrified all the time, but unable to speak out about it. Tyler desperately wanted to know what was happening in his mind, what bothered him so much and how he could help, but without any way of speaking out, Josh was stuck all alone in the darkness. And now that he was away It was probably even more terrifying and God Tyler wanted to break all the rules and just run straight to the hospital to hug Josh and tell him everything will be okay.

With very little opportunities for psychotherapy, Josh had no choice but to fight with it alone.  And from the look of it, he wasn’t winning.  Tyler knew he had to do something to help and a thought crossed his mind. Yes, Josh couldn’t talk to a specialist, but Tyler could.

 Tyler remembered that a friend of his - Pratt Liens was in fact a great psychiatrist, with long years of experience treating patients with PSTD, who also helped Tyler get through his many mental breakdowns after Josh went missing.  He knew Pratt even before he formed Twenty one pilots and they have been really good friends since then.  He trusted the guy and felt like maybe if he told him about Josh’s case he could help somehow, maybe give him an advice what to do or how to act around him to avoid triggering him. It wasn’t much, but Tyler was willing to do absolutely anything to help his best friend somehow, so he pulled himself together, found his phone and called Pratt. The voice on the other line of the phone sounded worried when he picked up

“ Hey Tyler, everything all right ? “ and he felt his ears burning with embarrassment , because these days it seems that everyone he called were worried he did something stupid or something was wrong.

“Hey Pratt. Yeah … actually no.. I.. I mean I’m fine, but something happened and I need your help”

“Sure man, of course. How can I help you ? “ Pratt’s voice sounded serious and concerned.

“I can trust you right ? Whatever I tell you now stays between you and me ?

“Absolutely.  I won’t tell absolutely anyone if that’s Important to you”

“ Um.. this is about Josh “ he heard the other man gasp “um .. he.. he has been kidnapped in Syria and held prisoner for over 8 months” Tyler heard Pratt say “Oh God” before he continued “ yeah .. it’s pretty bad, Pratt. He barely made it and now … now I don’t know what to do.. he’s been hurt really badly” Tyler’s voice was shaking now

“They tortured him didn’t they ? “ Pratt asked, but already knew the answer to that question

“Yeah.. and it’s been over month since we took him out of there, but he’s still so … damaged “ the word “damaged” sounded wrong and Tyler didn’t want to use it, but it just slipped out of his mouth

“ Tyler … I know what you mean and I’m so so sorry you both have to go through this. It will be great if I could maybe see him ? Talk to him ? This is extremely delicate subject, since victims of torture are most likely to experience mental issues for months, even years after the end of it.  It’s very individual, the PSTD symptoms and how patients cope with them and talking to him will help me understand his condition better”

“He can’t talk” Tyler blurted out “ Like I said, it’s pretty bad, Pratt. He lost his voice, damaged his vocal cords so bad he can’t speak now “ saying it out loud made it even worse and Tyler winced at the image of Josh screaming so loud his cords literally shred

“Oh “ Pratt sounded taken aback” Well that complicates things a little. Can he write ? Or Type ?

“Well he used to, but then he had  a stroke and lost his sight a few weeks ago” Pratt stayed quiet for a couple of seconds and cleared his throat

“All right, you were right. This is pretty bad. Tell you what – let’s meet up. Grab some lunch and talk about it ? There’s a lot I need to talk to you about, this situation is extremely difficult and we need to act accordingly. Josh needs security and sense of safety right now. He probably feels threatened by everyone and everything , considering how ill-treated he has been for the past 8 months. 

Tyler was nodding into his phone, forgetting that Pratt couldn’t see him

“Yeah, that will be great. Thank you so much, buddy. I-I’m so desperate, I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m failing Josh and I just don’t know how to help him get better”

“ I will help you , Tyler with everything I can, okay ? We’ll figure it out, don’t worry” that sounded so reassuring and was exactly what Tyler needed to hear at the moment.

“Thank you, Pratt, thank you so much.”

“Please, you know I’d do anything to help you and Josh”

“Thank you, honestly.. this means a lot”

“Call me back when can so we can meet up all right ? I’m available whenever you need me, so just give me a call”

“Okay, Pratt, thanks again” with that they ended the conversation and Tyler felt somewhat relieved but also nervous. The tightness in his chest and the rock in his stomach will only disappear when he could see Josh again and give him a hug. For now he settled for a short nap while silently begging his body to fight the germs faster.

**********

 

Josh was curled up against the wall, cold ground underneath his feet was telling him he was sitting on the floor, but there were no memories to remind him of how he got there. Through the fog in his mind he could hear voices speaking to him, but it has shut down, like it has so many times before to prevent further damage. The darkness was driving him insane, sending chills up and down his aching spine as fear coursed through him. He didnt want to be touched, his skin crawled at the thought of anything contacting it. It was confusing and frustrating, having his eyes opened, but not being able to see a damn thing. And all of these people talking to him only made it worse. He has barricaded himself behind something solid and his bed and he didnt want to get out of there.  Lying on the bed left him exposed to anyone who decided to enter his room and while no one has harmed him so far, the thought of not being able to defend himself or even escape harm if it came drove him out of there and into the corner.

Josh could almost see the bars of the cell, could almost feel the heavy metal shackles on his wrists and the blood freezing sound of rattling chains was echoing in his ears as he sat alone in the darkness.    

Josh must've spent quite a while on the floor because his body was beginning to hurt more and more with every minute. The painkillers he was given were wearing off, bringing sharp pain to places where it has been dulled by medicine.  His ribs were hurting badly, making it difficult to breathe or move even the slightest. The hunched position was hard on his shoulders, but it was the only position that brought a sense of safety. His back was one of the favorite places for punishment by his captors and exposing it, or leaving it unprotected brought pure horror to the cowering man.

And his right arm was now burning with pain, white hot waves washing over the exposed flesh. It wasn't doing that great according to his doctor and right now he was glad he couldn't see. Looking at it and not seeing the beautiful colourful tattoo was so hard, it brought tears and memories he desperately tried to drown. 

And his feet ... God they hurt so badly Josh was sure he has never hurt so much in his life. They beat the soles of his feet so often it was a miracle they were still intact. The pain never lessened, never numbed, no matter how many times he was hit there. And every time was pure agony, the pain of it bringing out the loudest screams. Until he screamed himself into bleeding silence. 

And the pain didn't stop there, no. It has spread through his body, wounds stinging, bones aching. It felt like his entire body was consumed by it and he shook, silently praying for unconsciousness, the way he has done before, when it all got too much.

And most of all Josh wanted Tyler back. It's all he wanted really. Just to hold Tyler's hand. Feel his warmth, feel safe again, feel protected. It was such a simple wish, yet so impossible right now. Tyler wasn't here, he was gone and Josh was alone now.  He could feel himself slipping again, going back to one of the countless dreams/memories of torture and pain and shook his head, because no, he didn’t want to go back there, didn’t want to relieve another nightmare. In his desperation Josh thought of only one thing that could stop him from going back to that dark place in his mind again and without thinking much swung his bandaged right hand as far as he could and crashed it full force into the bedside table near him. The effect was instant – the couple of seconds of unbearable pain were worth it as he screamed through broken cords and sore throat.  Then darkness came and took him back to the peaceful place where nightmares couldn’t get him. Unconsciousness was more than welcome .

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading. So many of you have left comments and this story now has almost 200 kudos, which is absolutely incredible to me. 
> 
> Please let me know what you think by commenting or leaving message on my Tumblr , it really helps me a lot knowing whether you like how the story is going or not.  
> This is my first work here, but hopefully I'm doing well for you :)
> 
> btw I'm so proud of our boys for selling MSG and playing to absolutely incredible shows ^_^


	19. How frustrating, and so degrading

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the story of how Josh ended up taken hostage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys ! So this is the last chapter i'm posting until next Tuesday or Wednesday so it's gonna be a while. I'm spending the weekend in the mountains with no internet connection so it's gonna be pretty much impossible to update.
> 
> This chapter ended up the longest one I've written so far, but hopefully it's not a mess :)  
> Like the summary says, it follows Josh's journey through his last day as a free man and how he got captured. It was difficult writing it, just like most of the chapters and I hope it didn't end up confusing or messy. 
> 
> Let me know what you think in the comments :) enjoy <3

October  15th 2015

Josh woke up from the usual morning noise that filled the facility whenever the kids woke up.  After spending almost full month in Syria as a volunteer Josh’s life has changed a lot.  And it kept changing as time went by, no day was the same as the one before.  There was a certain thrill in that – not knowing what will happen tomorrow, not feeling safe all the time as the war tore the country apart. Josh wasn’t in the middle of the conflict, but with war raging only couple of hundred miles away it never felt quite safe or calm. Sometimes, while laying exhausted in his bed at night he could hear faint sounds of bombs blowing up in the distance and his skin would crawl with fear and uncertainty. What if the war is moving closer ? What if tomorrow their town gets bombarded ? Maybe he should go home before it got too dangerous ? Those questions would play in Josh’s mind every night as he tried to fall asleep in the too crowded room of people. And every night he would almost decide to catch the first flight back to the States and just go home, but he would always change his mind before the sun rose up in the horizon.  Usually thanks to one of the kids they have rescued in their self-built shelter, that woke up early and climbed in Josh’s bed and woke him up.

Josh absolutely adored kids as general, because of their innocence and lack of hate for other human beings. He himself never truly hated anyone, never wished any harm upon anyone and always tried to see the good in people.  It was something he had in common with children, his mom always told him. They always had hope.  While growing up Josh never lost that part of him, the one that always hopes for better and believes that everyone, even the worst people have something good in them.  These kids, the ones that grew up surrounded by war and death and violence, they were just as hopeful as any other kid, pure at heart, and so so grateful , Josh soon learned. Their lives were a constant nightmare, most of them didn’t go to school, because the only school in town has been bombarded a few months ago and the closest town with such facility was hundreds of miles away. Majority of the kids who ended up in their shelter were orphans who lost their parents to the war or ran away from their violent home and didn’t know where their parents were and if they were alive. Josh and the other volunteers provided them food and place to stay, as well as thought them to write and speak both Arabian and English

There was one specific boy that left a trace in Josh’s memory. After they picked him up from the streets where he was sitting all alone, dirty and almost naked , they fed him and gave him a warm bath.  He was not older than 3-4 years and barely talked at all, but was a charming and sunny little thing.  They called him Sunny, because he couldn’t say his own name and they doubted he even remembered it at all. Sunny was underweight and too small for his age, but the smile he managed to pull was almost face splitting, turning his little round face into one huge ball of sunshine.  Josh told him a couple of times his name was Josh, but the kid could only pronounce ‘osh’ , but did it in such an adorable way he didn’t mind one little bit.  One of the things that struck the drummer was the kid’s reaction when he gave him a toy – stuffed rabbit with one eye missing and half of his left ear gone.  Sunny grabbed the toy and ran away, hiding in a corner and clutch to the thing like his life depended on it.  The boy refused to let go of the rabbit from then on, holding onto it  like it’s the most precious thing in the world. And for Sunny it probably was, because he had no toys and no clothes of his own and no home. It’s fucking sad and unfair how some kids have to grow up in misery and constant fear for the future, stripped of every human right they should’ve had. It was unfair and sad and so pointless, these kids were the ones who suffered the consequences of the wars that leaders choreographed, but left so unaffected themselves.

So every time Josh went close to going back home and leaving this place for good he remembered Sunny and every other kid that came there to seek hope. He couldn’t leave them.

The team of volunteers was pretty big if you asked Josh, considering how dangerous and demanding the job was.  It wasn’t a paid one, which would chase most people away from it, but for Josh it was one of the reasons he decided to go for it . He didn’t do it for any benefits or to self-indulge. He didn’t receive anything in return for his efforts, nothing material,  only the endless adoration from the kids who took Josh and the rest of the team as their family.  It was refreshing and inspiring , but also frightening and scary , to be there every day, among the ruins and really make difference and bring hope to those who lost it. 

Besides taking care of kids in the shelter they’ve built they’d also take part in aid missions all over Syria, providing war ridden regions with food and water, medicine and clothes. Those missions were always dangerous and Josh would always go there with his heart stuck in his throat, fear creeping just beneath his skin. He could see the fear reflecting in the eyes of his companions, but despite it and against it they still went there and did whatever they could to help.

 

It was the morning of one of those days, when Josh and five other volunteers were about to travel east to provide another shelter with medicine and blankets they desperately needed.  There were always nerves before a trip like this one, the danger always lingering in the air, no matter how well secured they were. A convoy of local military forces would escort them to point A to point B, heavily armed and trained soldiers who definitely served as a sort of reassurance. But still. Josh was nervous.

It was barely minutes after sunrise , but Josh was already sitting on the table located on the terrace and fiddled with his steaming cup of coffee.  It was his third time going on a mission like this one, but it’s the first time he’d come so close to the war zone. The town where the shelter was located was on the very edge of the conflict zone, barely a few miles away from terrorist’s territory.  The thought of finding himself in the middle of a battle literally made his stomach turn with the need to throw up.  And the more he thought about it, the less he wanted to go out there, fear and doubt creeping up under his skin. Could he do this? Go there and do what he had to in order to complete the mission without running away or hiding? Josh wasn’t sure.  The actual threat of getting hurt, killed, captured.. it was hanging above his head like a dark cloud. This could _actually_ happen, they could get caught in the middle of a crossfire or end up getting ambushed.  Josh put his mug on the table and took out his phone. All of these thoughts made him feel scared and not sure what to do.  He needed to get it out of his system . Thank God for internet

**Josh: Hey Ty. You awake ?**

**Tyler: JOSH HEY !!!!!**

**Tyler : Sorry 4 screaming, I’m just really excited about your text. What’s up my dude ?**

**Josh: Oh**

**Josh: That’s okay, I’m as equally excited about your text too ugh my dude.**

**Tyler: Everything okay ?**

**Josh: Yeah. Nothing to worry about. Just wanted to talk to you for a bit.**

**Tyler: Why r u awake its like 6 am your way isn’t it**

**Josh : Yeah it’s 6:10. We have a mission today and it involves traveling far from here and I’m anxious that’s all**

**Tyler : Is it dangerous ? Last time you told me you’re going on a mission you ended up stuck in the desert for two days and recovered for another week from dehydration and stress.**

**Tyler: …..**

**Tyler : Come on Josh, please talk to me**

**Josh : It’s not so dangerous. I mean it is kinda dangerous, but isn’t it all dangerous here at some level ? Like a bomb could drop on our heads literally any moment**

**Tyler: That sounded very reassuring yeah thanks Josh**

**Josh : Sorry sorry, I know how this sounds but honestly I think we should be okay. We’ll have people protecting us all the time and it shouldn’t take too long**

**Tyler: Than y are u nervous ?**

**Josh: idk**

**Tyler: idk is not an answer Josh, come on**

**Josh : It’s just a feeling I don’t know**

**Tyler : what makes you so nervous ?**

**Josh : We’re gonna be kinda close to the battlefield. But don’t worry Ty, it’s not that bad. We won’t be getting in between, just .. I feel like I’m getting way too ahead of myself here. I’m not half as brave as all of the people who work here.**

**Tyler: Josh listen, you don’t have anything to prove to anyone okay ? If you want to leave you can just do it, no one is going to blame you**

**Josh: I don’t want to leave, Ty. I want to help, I really do. You don’t know what it’s like here. My heart is breaking every day.**

**Tyler: You have already done so much and I disagree with you, you are brave because you are THERE and you DO help.  And I’m proud of you.**

**Josh: Thanks bro.**

**Josh : Talking to you always makes me feel better**

**Tyler: Same. I miss you.**

**Josh: God I miss you too Ty.**

**Tyler: Are you going to yell at me if I asked you when are you coming home ?**

**Josh: Soon. There’s another group of 10 volunteers who will come here in about a week, maybe less. I’ll wait for them and probably leave when they arrive. I miss home. And drums. And your cute face**

**Tyler: First of all your face is cuter**

**Tyler : And second …. Please come back home already ??**

**Tyler: I already miss you more than I can handle**

**Josh: I’ll be back home real soon Ty. It’s just this one mission and then a couple of days more and I’ll be on my way**

**Tyler : Please stay safe. Please, Josh**

**Josh : Of course. I’m pretty sure everything will go just fine. It’s just my anxiety flaring again. Happens all the time, no biggie**

**Tyler: Okay. It’s gonna be fine, J, just stay safe. Text me whenever you can. When you get there or as soon as you come back, please message me.**

**Josh: Sure, Ty. I’ll talk to you soon**

**Tyler: Yeah man, love you**

**Josh : <3 **

**Josh : Love ya too**

The conversation left Josh feeling nostalgic and homesick, but also a little bit calmer than 10 minutes ago. Tyler always made him feel better, more like himself and gave him comfort even when he wasn’t by Josh’s side.

Josh was going to finish his mission and go home. It has been so long since he’d slept in a normal bed, had a normal shower or had a regular meal. Over here everything was _barely –_ his bed could barely go for one, as it was made of cots and rags.  The food was barely food as well, because they saved most of it for the victims of war and ate as little as possible themselves.  And showers.. oh God did he miss the long showers back home, in a normal bathroom with warm water.  Over here it was a rare occurrence and contained mostly of washing himself with a bucket of ice cold and not entirely clean water.  But it’s not those things that he missed the most, it’s not why he stayed awake at night and bit his nails to the point of blood. It was the distance between him and home, between him and his family, between him and his best friend.

Talking to Tyler over text messages and facetime was tough and not hugging him for so long was even tougher. The lack of Tyler’s presence in his life was leaving him feeling lonely and empty, even though Josh was surrounded by people all the time.  He knew that Tyler felt the same way about him and felt guilty for doing this to him, to both of them.  Josh could get over his own discomfort and heartache , it was his own fault , but thinking about hurting Tyler was too much.  As he read the latest messages Tyler sent him over again his heart tore further apart, a familiar and painful tug as present as ever.

He could do this. He could go out there and get over his selfishness in the name of saving people’s life. This particular shelter they were heading to was in really bad shape, with barely any medicine to help all the injured people. This was important, more important than Josh’s comfort, he told himself and took another sip of his already cold coffee.  Everyone was getting ready to leave and Josh’s anxiety only got worse. They will have to travel for at least 8 hours through the scorching heat of the desert without any stops, because those are too dangerous. They’ll be there by noon and go straight back as soon as they unload all of the supplies. Quick and simple. But why was Josh so nervous than?

The next few hours went by in a blur, the supplies were loaded into the trucks as well as the volunteers , the convoy has also arrived and they all left the safety of the town. The desert was hot and boring, the same landscape stretching for miles and miles on end. Josh was sitting at the back of the second truck, sweating and biting his nails further into the skin.  There were two more people at the back seat of the packed vehicle – an Arabian guy who helped with the language barrier and translated for them and an armed Syrian officer.  The front seat was taken by another volunteer who became a good friend of Josh’s named Michael  - a buff guy with short hair and angular jaw.  He was a quiet one, him and Josh didn’t talk much , but the guy had a kind heart and big patience which always attracted Josh. 

They rode mostly in silence, everyone had something on their mind and Josh knew he wasn’t the only one nervous about this trip. There was a tendency of growing violence against peaceful convoys and Red Cross workers which of course worried everyone.  Volunteers were often a target for different terrorist groups, because they were more vulnerable and not very well armed. In their case, Josh hoped with all of his heart ,they were well protected and guarded by heavily armed soldiers.  It shouldn’t be that easy to attack them, although the thought of anyone attempting it was disturbing enough. 

The trip was quiet and Josh felt himself slip into half sleeping state. It was hot, he could feel the sweat running down his spine and chest, wetting his white shirt. His snapback was also wet by now, the heat turning him into one big puddle of sweat. The windows were sealed closed because of the desert sand, but the sun was so strong it was boiling everyone inside the car alive.  Suddenly the vehicle slowed down and Josh peaked out of the window nervously. They are not supposed to stop,  Josh remembers and the anxiety was welling up in his chest once again. As the car drove slowly Josh could see people outside, which was pretty weird considering the fact that they were in the middle of the desert.  And the fact that they were armed and masked made the situation even more scary.

The group of people outside looked dangerous with black ski masks pulled on their faces and loaded machine guns pointing straight at them. Josh shivered.

Soon enough the car stopped and was surrounded by armed men from all sides. The driver's seat door was opened from outside and a gun pointed inside, making everyone inside the car freeze. The armen man asked the driver something, but Josh couldn't hear too well. The driver took his papers and documents out and showed them to the armed guy. He stared at them and ordered the driver out of the car. At this point Josh was already beginning to panic, everything happening too fast and looked like they were in trouble. He turned to the syrian soldier sitting beside him and said with hushed voice

"Hey, do you know what's happening ? Why did they pull us over? " but the guy just looked angry and nervous without saying a word.

"Please ? " Josh pressed on, his heart beating fast in his chest. The guy was about to say something, but suddenly the car door to Josh's left swung open and the guy sitting next to him was forcefully dragged out and thrown on the ground. Josh reached out to catch him, but it happened too fast and all he managed to do is let out a surprised yelp and catch himself on the doorframe to avoid ending up in the sand. The next moment someone was standing right in front of Josh and pointing a black and sharp end of a machine gun straight at him. He froze, fear blocking all of his muscles from working. The owner of the weapon was yelling something at him, but he couldnt understand, brain still frozen in shock.

" Get out of the car " the Syrian soldier said in English " Get on you knees" and Josh scrambled to get out, limbs stiff and frozen with fear.

And that fear grew even bigger when he got out of the car and dropped to the ground, seeing all of his companions out in the sand as well. Their armed convoy was lined up on the road, disarmed and being held on target. This was bad. Really bad.

Josh wanted to ask what was happening, why were they pulled over, but something told him those men aren’t up for talking. All he could see was their eyes , peeking out of the ski masks and they looked _angry,_ mad almost.  From his spot on the ground Josh couldn’t see very well what was happening with the rest of the team, but he could hear someone asking questions in Arabian and managed to understand only parts of them. It was enough to make his heart stop. 

Apparently the armed men thought they were soldiers or some sort of fighters which was completely untrue, but made the situation extremely dangerous. Someone from their team, who spoke Arabian tried explaining them the reason they were in the desert, but it was in vain. The soldiers looked absolutely unconvinced.  After a while someone came over and stood in front of Josh.

“You American ? “ there was something really dangerous in the man’s voice, like there was no right answer to that question.  Josh tried to swallow, but his throat was so dry it hurt

“ Yes. And I’m here on a humanitarian mission, we mean no harm” the words tumbled out of his mouth as fear began to seize his throat “ Please” he continued “ We did nothing wrong”

“ You American “ the man repeated, but it was a statement this time, not a question. His tone scared Josh even further, it was almost as If the man hasn’t heard him at all.

“ American come to my country and say he did nothing wrong huh ? “ now he sounded angry . A cold barrel of gun was touching his temple now and Josh could feel himself shake. “ American spy” the man spit and pushed the barrel further into the kneeling man’s skin

“ No” Josh said desperately” I’m not a spy, please, listen to me” his heart was hammering so fast in his chest it could jump straight out of his ribcage any second “ I’m here to help, I’m a volunteer, not a spy “ but the man only got angrier and started screaming at Josh

“ DON’T LIE ! YOU AMERICAN ! AMERICAN SPY ! AMERICAN SPY ! he kept repeating it over and over again and Josh wanted to cry from frustration. They were going to kill him. If they seriously thought he was a spy there was no way he was getting out alive of this.  Someone spoke out in Arabian, but Josh couldn’t see who it was, the truck was blocking his view. The voice belonged to one of the volunteers, he was speaking Arabian and Josh knew the guy was trying to defend him.

There was a commotion , voices arguing and screaming and then it all ended abruptly when a machine gun roared loudly , followed by a scream of pain.  Josh was frozen on his spot, the gunshot still ringing in his ears. Someone got shot. They shot someone. Oh God. Oh Lord.

The man, who was standing in front of Josh grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and dragged him away from the car. He could now see the body lying in the sand, covered in blood and the terrified faces of his friends, staring at the dead body on the ground.  Josh was dropped down to the sand and  again a barrel was pressing to his head, making his limbs freeze and heart beat 100 miles per hour.

“ Everyone who helps American spy will follow him “ he pointed at the body that slowly bled on the hot desert sand.  “ Who wants to help spy ? “ he was looking at all the kneeling people on the ground and everyone was shaking with fear, unable to give him a proper answer. 

Josh was shaking his head. This couldn’t be happening, it must be a dream, a nightmare he would wake up from any moment.  Everyone was looking at him and he kept shaking his head, telling them “ don’t say you’ll help me”. Someone was already shot because they spoke out to defend him and Josh would probably not survive another death on his account. Everyone stayed quiet , except for Michael.

“This man came here all the way from America to help your people, your brothers and sisters you ungrateful asshole “ and Josh almost choked on his own spit. What was Michael thinking talking like that ? “ He is American, but he’s no spy and you fucking know it”

Someone dragged Michael from his kneeling position and threw him on the ground close to Josh and started hitting him with the back of the machine gun.  Michael’s hands were tied behind his back and the assault continued, only a few feet away from where Josh was lying and watching helplessly.

“Stop hurting him “ Josh hated how his voice was shaking “  He did nothing wrong.  He’s telling the truth” but the beating didn’t stop. Michael was coughing blood, trying to curl in on himself to protect his stomach and ribs, but there was no getting away.  Everyone else was watching with quiet terror, some of them looking away unable to stomach the gruesome sight.

“ YOU LIE “ The man kicking Michael was screaming “ YOU LIE AND YOU WILL PAY” he kept the blows coming until the man on the ground stopped moving, obviously lost consciousness. “ Anyone else want to lie ? Do you want to protect American huh ?  “ everyone was looking down, nobody moved or spoke up.

Someone came behind Josh and yanked his hands roughly behind his back. He tried to struggle, but earned a sharp hit with the machine gun between his shoulder blades . The force of the blow threw him forward, pain exploding in his back and shoulders.  On the ground, with his stomach pressed to the ground and wrists tied together behind his back with some sort of sharp wire Josh was feeling helpless and so so scared.  None of this was supposed to happen, It didn’t even feel real,  as his body and mind were both numb. Josh was yanked up roughly by his wrists and hair, making him yelp and freeze in fear once again . He was dragged back while two armed soldiers come in front of him and pointed at the still kneeling people on the ground.  It all happened in a blink of an eye, but to Josh, who still tried to catch his breath everything played in slow motion.

The two armed men fired straight at his companions , kneeling on the sand , as they shook from the force of the bullets that hit them and crumpled lifeless to the ground. A noise left Josh’s throat something between a shriek and a sob , but sounded so distant, alien to his own ears. His hands flew to his mouth out of instinct and it took almost a whole minute for Josh to come back to his senses.

“No “ he screamed and started trashing in the iron grip he was stuck in “ Why did you do that ? Why the hell would you do that ?? “ he knew he was crying, but it didn’t matter now. He was probably going to be next so who cared if he fucking cried ?

“Shut up” the man behind him growled and pushed Josh back down to his knees, gripping his hair to keep him in place. “ You killed your friends “ he whispered in Josh’s ears and he trashed again, more tears spilling from his eyes. It was obviously giving the guy a lot of satisfaction to see Josh cry and he did his best to stop the tears. He didn’t want to give them the pleasure, but God how was he supposed to control himself when three people were lying on the ground with their brains sipping out of their skulls and it was _all his fault ?_

And while Josh’s mind was still hazy from shock another round of machine gun shots echoed through the desert and every single guard they had on the convoy with them was shot within seconds.  This time he screamed “NO” and “FUCK” , body twisting and moving, emotions boiling in his veins, anger and despair coursing through his entire body. _This is not happening, this is not happening, this is n o t h a p p e n n I n g …._ His mind was blanking, brain going into a state of denial in order to protect itself. _It’s a dream and I’ll wake up, it’s a dream, it’s just a dream …  ._ A rough bag was slipped on his head and blocked his vision completely _._ His body was moving, but Josh had no idea how or why or where it was going. He was being shoved into the trunk of a vehicle, body limp and unresponsive as a result of the shock , but he felt something heavy thud beside him that sounded like a body hitting a surface.  The trunk was sealed shut and moments later it took off moving fast down the bumpy road.

As time went by Josh was beginning to come back to himself.  The drive was pretty much living hell. The trunk was small and barely contained him and the other person thrown inside along with Josh. There was barely enough oxygen to breathe and the heat was _unbearable ._ It was hard to breathe thanks to the heat and lack of oxygen and difficult to move because most of the surface was heated up by the sun and burned badly if touched.  Josh was lying on his side, hands tied behind his back tightly and knees folded in order to fit into the small space. His brain was reeling. What the hell happened out there ? Were these people rebels ? Terrorists ? The last word sounded absolutely terrifying and Josh tried not to think about it too much. But what else could they be ? Armed and masked they were definitely not from the army. And by the looks of it they hated Americans.  A lot. Josh was in deep trouble he knew it. Questions welled up in his mind, each of them more terrifying then the last.

 Why didn’t they kill him right there and then along with the rest of his team ? Where were they taking him ? What were they planning to do with him ? Images flashed in front of his eyes, things he’d seen on TV and internet about hostages kidnapped by terrorists and held in their camps of death.  None of them made it alive. The local Syrian Tv station often aired videos of executions and public torture and Josh has seen some of that, although it would always make his stomach turn and head spin so he averted his gaze.

But right now there was no escaping, no hiding for him. He was tied up and blindfolded, completely on the mercy of people who seemed to have none. What was he going to do ? 

Someone groaned next to him and moved, kicking Josh in the shins as he did so. Josh jumped and moved as far away from the person next to him as possible, but in the tiny trunk there wasn’t much space to move.  The man groaned again, pained moan leaving his lips as he came back to himself.

“ Michael ?” Josh asked sheepishly “ Is that you man ?” he was hoping it was his friend , because God he didn’t want to end up all alone in this situation. Although the thought that Michael will share the same faith as him was not consoling at all.

“Ughghg” the tried to answer, but it sounded more like drowning.  A painful groan later, he managed to croak out “yeah”.

Josh released a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. So Michael was alive, thank God. After the beating he wasn’t sure that his friend has made it.

“Are you alright ? How do you feel ? “ Josh was trying to keep the man conscious by talking to him and seemed to succeed because Michael stirred some more and managed to answer more coherently this time

“ Yeah , I think I’ll survive” by the sound of his wheezing lungs  Josh could tell it wasn’t entirely true. He probably had broken ribs which was bad. “ How are you holding up kid ?”

“ Shitting myself” Josh admitted “Where do you think they’re taking us ?”

“ I don’t know. Probably to one of their headquarters. Or camps. Whatever it is, it isn’t good” that’s exactly what Josh was thinking. Whatever was waiting for them was not good.

“ Do you think they’re going to kill us ?” Josh asked with a quiet voice, not really wanting to hear the answer

“ Death is not the worst thing that can happen to us in there, kid” said Michael and Josh felt himself shiver  from head to toe.  They laid there in silence , Josh’s brain playing all sorts of scenarios of what will happen to them when they arrive wherever they’re going.” _I’m still alive and that’s all that matters. As long as I’m alive there’s hope I can get away and go back home. There’s always hope, there has to be”_  Josh thought to himself as the oxygen in the trunk felt less and less present.

By the time the car came to a halt his entire body was cramping from holding the same position for too long and sweat was covering every millimeter of his body. It took him a couple of seconds to realize that the ground underneath him wasn’t moving and they must’ve arrived, which flared the panic in his chest again, only this time it was threatening to suffocate him.  The trunk was opened and Josh was being dragged out roughly, hands grabbing him by his legs and arms and throwing him on the ground. He barely managed to find his bearings when another set of hands were pulling him up and leading him somewhere.  He could hear Michael cough and heave somewhere behind him , being lead the same direction as well.

Josh was tripping over himself trying to catch up , the darkness making him disoriented and confused.  He was being lead through the heat of the summer sun until is seized and Josh thought they have probably entered some sort of building.  After another few minutes of walking and tripping he almost fell over himself, but managed to keep his balance as the corridor turned into stairs that lead down, underground.  The first thing that hit Josh, besides the cold air was the _smell._ It reeked of urine, human waste and rotting flesh. It made his stomach turn upside down and Josh had to fight hard not to vomit inside the bag that was still covering his face.  The further they went the worse the smell got and Josh thought to himself that he would probably not last here even two minutes. 

Hands gripped his throat and stopped him from taking another step by choking him.  A door clanged to his right and he was being pushed into another room, the heavy door shutting loudly behind him. Then, the itchy bag was being taken off of his head and in his peripheral vision were standing two masked soldiers looking impatient and irritated.  One of them spoke :

“Take your clothes off” Josh froze. No, he didn’t want to undress in front of these strangers , why would they want him naked ?

“No “ he said and shook his head, knowing he doesn’t stand a chance against them, but still determined not to go down without a fight

One of the guards took a step forward towards Josh and he instinctively flinched back as far as he could until his back hit the wall behind him.

“Undress. Now” the same command again, but this time the tone was way more dangerous.

“ No. No, don’t want to” to his own ears he sounded like a little child that refused to follow a command his mom has given him.

The other man took another step towards Josh and now they were only a few feet away from each other.

“Take them off or I will” he reached his hand towards Josh and touched his hip which caused the drummer to jump and flinch, moving his body to the opposite direction.

“Please don’t take my clothes” this time his voice was small and shaky, not so defiant and more pleading.  “ Don’t take ‘em” but the guard was already reaching for his shirt, but stopped when Josh screamed out

“Okay please, I’ll take them off, just .. don’t-don’t touch me”  the guard smirked , but moved away and let Josh yank his shirt off.

Fear was coursing through the captured man like a live wire, making his body shake and breath hitch. Undressing in front of these strangers was humiliating enough, but the thought of _why_ they wanted him naked was absolutely terrifying.  He unbuttoned his jeans and slowly dragged them off as well, followed by his socks and shoes. He threw the pile of clothes towards the guards and kept his gaze on the ground.  The room, or more precisely cell, was freezing and Josh felt himself shiver as the cold air was hugging his body.  He stood there only wearing his black boxers, hoping and praying they won’t take those away as well.

“Turn around and put your hands behind your back” another order and this time Josh obeyed  from fear they might take his last piece of clothing if he fought.  Heavy chains were now weighting on his wrists and ankles, but when the cold metal touched his neck Josh flinched away . A strong hand gripped his hair painfully and kept him steady as the heavy chain, _collar Josh corrected himself miserably,_ was being put on his skin. It weighted so much he could already feel the strain in his neck and shoulders to stay upright.  A chain, connected to the collar was now secured to the wall, leaving him with very little space to move.

Josh stayed quiet through the entire ordeal and when he was chained he finally looked up at his captors who looked like they have caught the golden fish.

“Why are you doing this ? “ Josh finally gained enough courage to ask. He needed to know why

“ Don’t play dumb with us” one of the guards said “ We know why u here. We know what you plan. But it will not work and you will pay “ Josh shook his head, eyes once again filling with tears from frustration and fear

“ I already told you, I’m here to help, that’s why I came. I don’t plan anything”

“You lie” the other guard raised his voice and Josh shrank back against the wall. “ And you will pay heavy price for it”  with that they turned around to leave and Josh panicking , made a few steps forward to follow them, but the collar around his neck chocked him almost immediately, bruising the skin underneath.  He was coughing, his wobbly knees were unable to keep him up  and he crumbled to his knees, fighting to take a normal breath. The air was heavy and humid and the smell was choking him even further.

Every single molecule in his body was seizing with fear, the chains heavy and cruel against his freezing skin reminding him of his hopeless situation.  He wanted to scream and cry and kick the wall to let all of the bubbling emotion out, but only managed to slide further down the wall and sit on the cold ground. There was dry blood on the cement around him and the more he looked at his surroundings the worse he felt.  Blood was pretty much everywhere, dry bloodrops splattered on the walls and even ceiling. There weren’t any windows and the only source of light was a tiny light bulb hanging in the middle of the ceiling.  God how was he going to get out of this ? They didn’t kill him, but he was locked in a cell underground which to him sounded worse than death right now.  Rewinding the last words his captors told him made his body weak with fear, _you will pay heavy price for lying_ was on replay in his mind , bringing tears to his eyes despite his best efforts not to break.  Josh sat there with his head on his knees, curled up against the wall and cried like a little child that missed their mother. And God he did miss his mom and his dad and Tyler and _his old life._ This was supposed to be his last mission here , the only thing separating him from home, but now the thought of going home seemed absolutely impossible to Josh.  They were going to wait for him to come back and his heart was bleeding at the thought of hurting his family that way. How will Tyler react when he finds out Josh went missing ? How scared heartbroken will he be ? This only made him cry harder, face buried in his knees, body shaking from the sobs as his memory went back to their last conversation this morning. Tyler begged him to stay safe, to take care of himself and now , hours later he didn’t even know if he’ll survive to see the next morning.  God he was angry at himself. He probably deserved whatever was about to happen to him for pushing things too far.

He could hear someone being shoved in the cell opposed to him and the screaming that followed made him shrink even more into himself. It was Michael, Josh recognized his voice straight away and a wave of guilt washed over him. All of the people who died because of him back in the desert, because they held their ground and stuck by his side. And Michael who defended him was now paying the price in the cell next to him.

Josh leaned his head against the wall behind him, tired, hurting, feeling guilty and worn out and it was only day one.  He has thought it was impossible for him to ever fall asleep again, but the moment everything went quiet and still his body surrendered to the exhaustion and fell into the most restless sleep Josh has ever had in his life

 

 

                                                                                                                                        

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this turned out okay. I really wanted to translate the feelings a person goes through in a situation like this so it's more detailed than usual. Please let me know what you think because I was a bit nervous posting this chapter.  
> Just so you know this will continue into another chapter - what happened with Michael and how Josh was treated when he arrived at the camp. So stay tuned :)
> 
> My tumblr is i-m-a-goner-takeitslow.tumblr.com and I welcome anyone and everyone to come and say hi if you feel like it :) The clique has been such a huge support for me and I admire all of you for how kind, brave and beautiful all of you are <3
> 
> Stay alive guys |-/


	20. My name became a new destiny to the grave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's pretty dark so heads up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys :) i know I said I won't be posting update until next week, but I ended up writing this chapter really fast and decided to post it before I leave for the weekend. 
> 
> It's quite heavy so if violence and torture is not your thing I'd suggest you skip this one

Tyler was sitting in a big and pretty comfortable leather chair behind Pratt Liens’s desk and looked at his friend’s face while he read Josh’s  medical report . Pratt’s face went from curious to worried and then to completely mortified. Every once in a while he’d glance up at Tyler, as if he wanted to ask a question, but went back to reading, with his eyebrows furrowed and lips pressed in a thin line.

Pratt has been a psychiatrist for well  over 15 years, but this particular case was something he’d encounter for the first time in his practice. Yes, he has treated victims of torture and sexual abuse before, but this was beyond anything he has ever seen. This man wasn’t just tortured. This was , as he named it a slow death, where a victim is being cruelly and slowly killed for months , until their body is no longer able to bear the trauma it’s subjected to.  And considering the fact that Josh has survived 8 months was telling him that the man possessed a spirit and will that didn’t break when his body did.  Which of course didn’t mean that his spirit wasn’t breaking now, while he had to face the consequences of the endless torture.  And this is where Prat was supposed to come in and help Josh cope with the stressful situation.  Reading the report made him understand just how serious the situation was and the desire to see Josh was getting stronger and stronger.  He had to meet the man , see his reactions, witness his behavior and then decide how to proceed. Josh needed help, that was clear as day, but there weren’t many ways to help someone who couldn’t communicate with the rest of the world. They needed to start with simple things, like his surroundings, the things he hears and how they are being delivered to him.  And Tyler was a huge part of the picture, being the person Josh trusts and feels comfortable around.  Pratt glanced up at him and Tyler froze, waiting for the doctor to say his verdict

“ Without examining him or even seeing him, but having this report and some details of what has been happening to Josh during those months he was missing … I’d say he has a serious case of c-PTSD “ Tyler kept looking at him with fearful eyes, mouth opening a few times, but closing again without a single word leaving it. “ The “c” stands for “Complex” . Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or the so called c-PTSD is a condition that results from chronic or long-term exposure to emotional trauma over which a victim has little or no control and from which there is little or no hope of escape. When people have been trapped in a situation over which they had little or no control at the beginning, middle or end, they can carry an intense sense of dread even after that situation is removed. The difference between PTSD and C-PTSD is that  C-PTSD results more from chronic repetitive stress from which there is little chance of escape ;PTSD can result from single events, or short term exposure to extreme stress or trauma.” Tyler was nodding, but the words were stabbing him like knifes and he felt like crying. “ Some of the symptoms may include avoidance, blaming, anger turned inward, denial, dependency, depression, fear of abandonment, hyper vigilance, self-loathing, panic attacks, anxiety, low self-esteem and the list goes on. Honestly I can’t tell which symptoms Josh experiences or will experience until I manage to find a way to communicate with him, but in severe cases like his I’d say he has or will experience every symptom on that list.  One of the things he’s going to battle through is the feeling of guilt. People who have PTSD may feel constantly threatened and permanently damaged. They may blame themselves for what happened, or think they didn’t do the right thing at the time, or feel shame because they didn’t resist an attack, or guilt because they didn’t stop what happened. “ Tyler’s eyes grew wide and his face paled visibly

“ But-but how could this be his fault ? I mean he was chained in there for Christ’s sake ! There was no way for him to defend himself of make them stop .. I .. this is so wrong , how can.. how does .. “ Tyler was at loss of words. Josh was blaming himself for what happened to him ? He was locked up and helpless and so alone in there, none of what was done to him was his fault, he should know that. Suddenly he had the urge to run to the hospital and hug Josh. Tell him he’s going to be okay and it wasn’t his fault

“ You see Tyler, when you find yourself in a situation like that you run mostly by your instincts. And as you probably know the self-preservation instinct is the strongest one we, humans own.  Josh must’ve fought in the beginning, but I can imagine how much they have punished him for fighting, which is usually the in situations like his. So after a while he probably stopped fighting and just let it happen, because in his mind that would lessen the damage. This is how our minds work, Ty, there is no fighting against our instincts. But the problem with that is , in the aftermath, you feel like you let these things happen to you, like you didn’t fight enough to stop them from happening and that of course brings guilt, which is very difficult to erase.

“I can see it in his eyes sometimes “ Tyler said quietly, suddenly feeling tired of breathing “ The way he holds himself… he’s literally apologizing for everything and I can often see the guilt in his eyes, but I don’t know what to do about it.

“It will take a while, probably won’t go away completely, but we need to work on making him believe that he doesn’t have a reason to feel guilty anymore.  And one of those ways is to talk to him about what makes him feel guilty and help him understand on his own terms, that he couldn’t help what happened to him, no matter how hard he’d fight or resist. “

“Yeah well since he can’t talk I guess that’s pretty impossible right now then” Tyler shook his head and rubbed his face “ Can we do something right now ? I mean there has to be a way to help him, something that we could do”

“ The problem with torture victims , especially in cases where they have been held against their will for a long period of time is that they lack the feeling of belonging, safety and most of all – trust.  Torture isolates people by their experience, their disability and the stigma of fear. Even after they return to their homeland they often don’t feel _at home ,_ they don’t feel like they belong somewhere. This is where you can help Josh – by providing him a safe heaven, a place he can call home, even if it’s not exactly  place, but your hand, your hug, your presence. You can give him a home. It’s a good thing that he trusts you, lets you touch him and care for him and we can use that  to help his recovery.  “ Pratt stopped for a moment and looked over at Tyler. He looked sad, on the verge of tears, but there was determination in his eyes.  “ It’s hard I know” Pratt continued “ And it’s going to get harder from now on, but all you need to remember is that human beings are incredibly resilient.  I’ve seen patients recover from all sorts of trauma and abuse which makes me believe that with the right treatment and amount of support Josh has a chance to heal. Okay ?

Tyler once again nodded, not quite sure if he believed what Pratt was telling him, but he would try, for Josh’s sake.

“I want you to call me every day and tell me how he’s coping with day-to day situations. I  know he can be triggered by a lot of things, but I’s important to know what triggers him the most and what calms him the most. If something happens – call me. We’ll try to figure things out until he gains his vision and/or voice back. “

“ okay Pratt.. God thank you so much.. you know how much Josh means to me, and looking at him like that drives me insane. I will call you,hell  I’ll call you every two minutes if the information will help you figure out how to help Josh.”

“You are welcome Ty, and let’s not forget that Josh is my friend too, I’ve met him and he stroke me as incredibly humble and kind person. No one deserves to live like that, so of course I’ll do my best to help both of you. “

“I’m still sick , so they probably won’t let me see him today, but I’ll call you whenever I’m back at the hospital. And thanks again. So much” Tyler squeezed Pratt’s outstretched hand, but they ended up hugging when the latter dragged Tyler closer and wrapped him up in a friendly hug.  He was going to cry any moment so after saying his goodbyes the singer hurried to leave the office and literally ran to his car. There, letting his emotions go he cried, squeezing his face to the steering wheel and hitting the dashboard in an outburst of anger and grief.  He was going to pull his shit together eventually ,he always had, but for now Tyler let all of the balled up emotions go out along with the hears and snot and sobs.  It was unfair unfair **_unfair._**   Anger turned to sadness and sadness turned to an ache, that settled deep in Tyler’s bones with the promise to stay there for a long time.

 

 

*********

 

The first night Josh has spent in the tiny freezing cell was the toughest in his life.  Michael kept screaming for at least an hour after they dragged him to the cell next to Josh, not that he had any concept of time his confinement, but it felt like forever. It was painful , listening to him scream and yell his agony out, the sounds soon turning into begging which was even worse. Josh couldn’t cover his ears, couldn’t do anything to stop the horrible sounds from drilling into his brain or to help his suffering friend. Nothing could take his mind away from the noises and when they finally stopped his heart fell down to his stomach, the prospect of losing the only familiar person he had in this hostile and scary place was depressing.

Josh was so thirsty it was painful, his dry throat scratching every time he swallowed. The need to drink water was stronger than the rumbling hunger in his stomach and the dull ache all over his body.  He hasn’t drunk anything since they left their shelter which was now hours ago, maybe a whole day. He didn’t know if his captors planned on keeping him alive, or maybe they’d just leave him there to die from thirst and hunger. That thought sent a chill down Josh’s spine making him shudder.

He couldn’t sleep much since every single noise, even the tiniest one would make him jump in fear. He dozed off a couple of times, but only for a couple of minutes, when his overloaded with terror brain would snap him awake.  What was going to happen to him ? How badly will they hurt him ? Will they have the humanity to just kill him with a bullet to the head or torture him for hours until he went insane and begged for death ? God how did he get himself in this situation ? Going from a drummer in the band he loved , doing what he loved and touring all over the world with his best friend to a prisoner in a tiny dirty and dark cell, waiting for his execution. 

Josh scolded himself internally. Why was he so ready and willing to die already?  Was he that fucking weak ? No, he wasn’t going to give up that easily.  He had family, friends, fans.. he felt like he was letting them down by surrendering so soon. They deserved more than this, Josh thought. 

Josh was startled by the sound of boots coming down the corridor and his heart stopped beating for a bit. He held his breath, squeezing his eyes, praying that they weren’t coming for him. The footsteps came closer and closer and Josh felt himself scoot further into the wall behind him as they stopped right in front of his cell.  The door opened and two masked men came in, one of them busied himself with unchaining Josh from the wall and the other one grabbed him by the collar and hauled him up.

Josh struggled as much as he could, making it difficult for them to drag him across the cell to the door. He screamed “ LEAVE ME ALONE” and “DON’T FUCKING TOUCH ME” while trashing around. The bulkier guard that was trying to drag him by his hands and collar,  whipped out a baton and smashed Josh behind his knees, drawing a sharp cry out of him.  He crumpled to the ground with burning pain in his legs, but kept struggling while on his knees which made the two men significantly more angry. His hair was pulled so hard he felt a few strains dislodge from his head, but gritted his teeth and didn’t make a sound.  Afraid they might rip his entire hair out Josh stood up, but refused to walk in the direction his captors were leading him.  A hard punch landed in his stomach, making him triple over , the blow forcing the oxygen out of his lungs , which was followed by another two hard blows that made his vision go black. The two men were screaming something at him, but he couldn’t understand much.  They dragged him out of the room and lead him down the corridor, while Josh was trying to take a breath into his burning lungs. 

He ended up being lead into another cell, but slightly bigger and with more people – again masked and armed occupying it. A set of handcuffs were hanging from a chain on the ceiling and seeing them refueled the pink-haired man to struggle and fight as much as he could.  This time he was way too outnumbered , more people grabbing him and forcing his hands up above his head. They were locked tightly into the handcuffs that left his body straining , his toes barely touching the ground and making his shoulders and arms ache.

Than to his horror, the only piece of clothing he had left – his black boxers were pulled own his legs, leaving him naked and painfully vulnerable. It was humiliating in a way Josh could never thought was possible to experience, to stand there in the middle of the room naked and bound and shaking with fear with no way to defend or protect himself.  People around him were laughing, seemingly enjoying his distress which made his skin paint red all the way down to his chest.

“Why are you doing this ? “ Josh desperately asked them “ Why ? What have I done ? “ but his question were only met by more laughter and speech he couldn’t understand. Hands were touching his skin, invading and harsh, making his body jerk and try to escape. A rag was then pushed into his mouth to silence him while three of the guards came closer holding something reminding Josh of a pieces of watering hose, but thicker and more solid looking.  Before Josh could realize what was about to happen one of the guards swung with his weapon and hit Josh hard across his back, making his scream into the dirty rag in his mouth. And God it hurt.

The blow inflicted more pain that Josh thought it was possible for a piece of rubber. It was actually worse than anything he has ever experienced , the blow making his skin thump and burn with pain. Another blow followed, this time aimed to his stomach which hurt a lot more than the first one and forced another pained cry out of his mouth.  The blows kept raining down, coming from every direction and landing on his back, chest, thighs and ass.

Josh’s body was swaying from the force of the blows from side to side, trying to escape the pain somehow, but it was hopeless.  The rubber was unforgiving, leaving massive bruises wherever it connected with skin, but the worst was yet to happen, when one of the masked men aimed Josh into his groin which hurt so bad the pain almost made him faint. He screamed so loud it must’ve hurt everyone’s ears, but the attack didn’t stop for a second, the blows kept raining down, hitting already bruised and sore spots.  Whenever someone got tired they switched , the weapons being passed from one guard to another until everyone had their turn. Some of them hit aimlessly on his body, but other were trying to figure out what hurt him most and then did it again and again just to see Josh cry from the pain of it. At one point someone decided to spread his legs apart and keep them that way, while someone else hit him full force between them. That did knock him out, but the pain that exploded through his every cell was so unbearable Josh thought he was going to die. He wished he did.

When Josh woke up unknown time later his hands were still bound to the ceiling , but he coulldn't feel anything above his shoulders. His arms, shoulders even fingers were numb, a dull pain evident on the skin where the handcuffs were digging in. But that was the least of his problems.

Josh's body was so bruised he couldn't tell where one pain ended and the next one begun. Everything vibrated with agony, causing him to groan and than cough. His throat was even drier than before , but now also raw from screaming. The cough made his chest muscles tighten which brough fresh wave of agony, lacing through his entire body. Tears spilled down his cheeks and at this point Josh wasn't even trying to stop them, it just hurt too much.

 Someone entered the cell and Josh jumped and gripped the chains connecting his hands with the cieling making them rattle. The person circled him and came into Josh's view, his dark skin and even darker eyes shining in the darkness.

Josh was breathing fast and harsh, adrenaline pumping in his veins and the moment the rag was pulled out of his mouth words tumbled out in one unsteady flow

"Please..p-please, I'll do whatever you want, whatever you tell me to" the pain was too much and the prospect of taking more of it absolutely terrified him " Please just tell me what you want,  tell me what to do"  Josh knew he sounded pathetic , that he was breaking his promise of not giving up, but this was beyond what he could handle.

The dark man's face turned into scowl. He was looking at Josh with disgust and spite, obviously not touched by his begging. He touched the shaking man with the end of his baton and Josh flinched, tiptoing away from the touch

" You think I am done with you ? " he asked Josh and smacked his badly bruised hip. The pain was so instant and sharp it made the drummer scream and plead more

" Please don't " he was choking out " please God, please "

" Why are you here ?" the same question again

"I' m a volunteer" Josh croaked out, his throat so dry it could crack " please give me water, I'm begging you "

Another hit with the baton drew even louder cry and more tears. It hurt so bad, the bat targeting the fresh purple and black bruises litering Josh's body.

"Why are you here?" Josh wanted to scream. Why wern't they believing him ??

" I just told you, I came here to voluntee-" the last word turned into shriek as the baton hit the back of his left thigh " Please " Josh screamed and the baton hit him again at the same spot making his vission go blurry and black at the edges"

"Don't lie ! YOU LIE " The guard roared and smashed his ribcage so hard Josh felt something crack and pain ignited his nerves on fire. Breathing was now agony, his whole body was hurting and the joints in his shoulders felt like they're gonna crack as well. Josh gave up on begging and just hung there like a punching bag taking blow after blow until the man unhooked him from the chains and let him fall down to the dirty ground. Pain pain pain , this is all he could think about. It hurt to move, it hurt to breathe, every little thing hurt.

Unmoved my Josh's pleads and cries the guard dragged him back to his previous tiny cell and locked his collar to the wall by the short chain. This forced him to slump against the wall, unable to lie down thanks to the short length of the chain, but too weak and hurting to sit. It was uncomfortable position, the concrete wall pressing into his bruises and making the pain even more sharp.

 There was something soft and warm next to him and Josh oppened his eyes briefly to find Michael lying beside him, covered in blood and what smelled like urine. He looked absolutely mitulated, blood caked all over his skin and hair. Josh scooted as close to him as possible, relishing in the other man's body heat. He fell asleep like that, half crouching half lying and pressed to the wall with his dying companion squeezed next to him in the tiny cell. This was his life now and Josh felt the realization down on him like a piece of heavy lead. He hoped that Tyler was okay. He hoped his best friend never found out or witnessed what happened to him. That would hurt way too much.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so SO much to everyone who has read so far and left kudos and comments. This fic is going to be pretty heavy and dark so brace yourselves. 
> 
> Comments are the best because they give me an idea of how this fic is going. Seriously thank you so much for taking the time <3


	21. Is this living free?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone. First of all I own an apology to all of my readers for taking so long to update.  
> I've been super busy and also sick, so all of that combined is the reason why it took me so long.  
> I hope I haven't disappoint you guys and hopefully the wait was worth it. Thank you to every single one of you who left message here or on my tumblr, it means so much to know what you think and how you feel about this story. So I hope you enjoy this long chapter :)

When Tyler got the call from the hospital after he left Pratt’s office he just knew why they were calling. His heart was clenched tightly in his ribcage, feeling the undertones of fear and uncertainty in Josh even when he wasn’t around his best friend. He knew that Josh couldn’t handle such a long time of being alone and when the call came, he knew.  It was dr. Lewis,  telling him that Josh wasn’t handling the separation well, in fact he was having a breakdown which seemed to bring more damage than the potential infection he could catch from Tyler’s germs .

Dr. Lewis also told him that Josh was currently under heavy sedatives because it was obvious that he couldn’t handle being alone and was torn apart by terrors and visions.  He got as far as hurting himself , something the doctors weren’t anticipating from him and that bought the decision to put him temporary to sleep so that he wouldn’t do something like that again.

As much as Tyler had expected it, it wasn’t any easier hearing it. IT was actually very painful, knowing how difficult it has been for Josh the past few days and he felt guilty again.  So after he hung up the phone he went straight to his car and drove as fast as the speed limit was allowing him to the hospital. There, Jenna and Mark were waiting for him with anxious and worried faces. They were both tired and pale, having spent the last few days and nights witnessing Josh struggling and fighting his nightmares, but unable to do anything to help.  Jenna literally ran towards Tyler and threw her hands around him the moment they collided.  She was holding him so tight it was evident how affected she was, how scared and upset she was. Mark greeted him with “Hey Ty” and patted his shoulder when Jenna let go of him with shiny eyes.

“Thank God you’re here baby, thank God” Jenna said and intertwined her fingers with Tyler’s

“Yeah, thank God “ Mark agreed with a heavy sight “ I don’t know how long Josh could keep going like this before he completely lost his mind”  Tyler threw Mark a scared glance as they walked down the corridors to Josh’s room.

“Was it that bad ?” Tyler asked , but already knew the answer

“ I actually thought he was going will lose it by morning “ Mark said with grim expression and added “ Well I thought  I was going to lose it as well just watching him”

“ Do you think me being here is going to help him ? I mean what if he’s too far gone ? What if he doesn’t recognize me ? “ Tyler was panicking as they neared Josh’s room and stopped just outside.

“ He will, Ty, he will. You’re everything to him.” Mark hugged Tyler and held him for a moment, feeling the younger man take a deep breath underneath him.  “ He’s still asleep, but the nurse said he’d wake up in an hour or two. You should be there, I think he’s going to be very happy to see you” the thought of making Josh happy made Tyler smile and filled him with determination. Jenna hugged him too, kissed him quickly on the lips, cheeks and forehead and let him enter the room.

-

-

Josh was lying still in his bed,  bare chest rising and falling slowly, ribcage still painfully visible underneath the pale skin. He has gained some weight over the past month and a half, but the doctors still fed him through a tube, the solid food still too difficult to digest for his stomach and intestines.   He was looking peaceful and relaxed,  something very unusual for Josh these days.  Tyler could see scratches and cuts on his face and arms that looked fresh and his heart squeezed so tightly he lost his breath for a second.  He should’ve never left Josh alone.  His instincts were screaming at him not to do it, not to listen to anyone and stay by his side, but of course he has never done anything right in his whole life. 

Tyler walked towards the bed and sat down on the chair near it, watching Josh inhale and exhale slowly. He hasn’t slept himself in the past few days, constantly wondering how Josh was coping and worrying himself out of his mind.  And the conversation he had with his friend Pratt made him even more worried. He had noticed some of the symptoms of C-PTSD in Josh’s behavior, but it was difficult to tell when the drummer couldn’t express himself.

It took almost an hour for Josh to wake up, the heavy sedatives lulling his hazy mind back to sleep every time he steered or woke up briefly.  Tyler was leaning on Josh’s bed, hands folded under his head to support it , eyelids heavy and barely open.  He reacted to every flinch the drummer made , even the tiniest movement making him jump in worry. When Josh finally opened his eyes , he looked tired and sleepy, eyes unfocused , but still directed towards Tyler.  He blinked once, twice and his pupils grew wide, eyes opening into a stare.  He kept blinking, looking in disbelief which made Tyler realize that Josh was l _ooking at him._

“Hey “ Tyler said gently and leaned closer towards Josh who didn’t move away, still staring at Tyler. “ J, can you see me ? “ and obviously hearing Tyler’s voice drew Josh out of his frozen state because he launched forwards so fast he almost knocked Tyler off his chair with the force their bodies collided. Josh hugged Tyler, no he clutched to him for his dear life, squeezing the shirt on the singer’s back in his fists and pressing his face to Tyler’s chest. 

Tyler was shocked for a second, he didn’t expect Josh to be able to move so fast or use so much force, but after he shook it off he immediately wrapped his hands around Josh’s shoulders and rocked him back and forth. He could hear Josh crying, sobs wrecking his body and making him shake and it was absolutely heartbreaking.

“Shhh, it’s okay. I’m here, J,  I’m here” Tyler was pressing his mouth to Josh’s hair, talking to him in a gentle voice, trying to sooth the crying man in his arms.  “ I’m not leaving anymore, I’ll be right here, I’ll be right by your side” Josh responded by hugging tighter and nodding into Tyler’s now wet shirt. “Please stop crying J” Tyler was breaking himself, tears running down his cheeks and wetting Josh’s hair “ it’s okay now, don’t cry “

They sat like that wrapped around each other for a while, until Josh grunted and reminded Tyler that his friend was still far from okay and probably was in pain.  This made him move slowly, unwrapping Josh from himself as gentle as he could and helping him lie back down on the bed.  The drummer winced as he laid back, his body resisting the movements that obviously brought him pain. But the moment his head touched the pillow he looked up at Tyler,  hopeful and smiling eyes boring into Tyler’s and the singer felt his heart flutter from the pure warmth that his best friend was radiating. He got so used to seeing fear and pain in Josh’s eyes,  that the happiness and warmth that lived inside the hazel orbs right now were making Tyler melt with happiness.

He smiled at Josh, who patted the space on the bed right beside him, as an invitation to join him.  Tyler climbed next to Josh and once settled in the nest of pillows and blankets and  let out a content sigh.  It felt so safe, so natural he could almost forget all of the horrors from the past months. Having Josh close, feeling his body press firmly to Tyler’s brought a familiar feeling of belonging. This was his best friend, the person he trusted most, the person who understood him and made him feel at home, even when home was more a figurative subject rather than a physical thing.

 Josh was his beacon of hope, a living and breathing proof that good wins over evil, that kindness still exists in this cruel world.  He’d also learn so much from his best friend, meeting him at a time when faith was slipping in between the cracks of his fragile and doubt riddled mind . Josh thought him how to hope again, showed him every little kindness a human soul can possible show another.  He was a fresh breath of air, a light at the end of the tunnel,  a safe boat in the ocean of fear and doubt. Josh was a part of him, a part of his very being, and having him ripped away has definitely taken a toll on his soul. Now he was more fearful, more doubtful, more hopeless. And the worst part was that their roles have reversed now and Tyler was supposed to be the person who shows Josh how to hope again, how to believe in kindness again, how to see the light again. And God he didn’t know how to be that person. Did he believe in God ? Did he truly believe that everything will be okay, that peace will win and fear will lose ? Tyler didn’t know. He  didn’t know If he could be encouraging enough, patient enough, strong enough.  Josh was carrying the incredibly heavy burden of his horrifying experiences and Tyler didn’t know if he had the strength to help him, to take some of the weight of his friend’s shoulders without shattering into pieces and be blown away by the wind.

But the fact that he’d try his hardest meant that he had a reason to live, a purpose In life, something he’s spent almost 30 years searching. He was going to do his best, give his best, try his hardest to help Josh get back on his feet and back to his life. Even if he failed, Tyler would know that he did his best and tried his hardest, he didn’t waste His precious time and invested it in the best person he has ever meet. Every little effort was going to be worth it. Every single second.

“ Everything is better when you’re here” Tyler whispered, his thoughts ringing loud in the silence of the room “ You’re making everything better” it was true, Josh’s presence was making the world a better place, Tyler knew that the moment he met him. 

Josh craned his neck and kissed Tyler on the cheek, eyes soft and warm, shining in the darkness.

“ You know, I’ve got some new ideas “ Tyler started, whipping his eyes with a piece of sheet. “ For music I mean” Josh looked serious for a second, scanning Tyler’s face and then smiled again.

“Yeah, it’s nothing particular, I’ve just been thinking lately.. and … umm .. I think I want to write a song about you” that surprised Josh who blinked a few times in response. 

“ Sorry, I shouldn’t have .. it’s too soon isn’t it ? “ Tyler babbled and closed his eyes. Why did he think that Josh would want a song written about him when he was going through something so traumatic ? That would probably just remind him of what he’s been through and make things worse. He should’ve kept his mouth shut.

Josh kept looking at him and his expression was hard to read. There was surprise, amusement, fear …  It drove Tyler mad to not know what Josh thinks and feels

“ Ughh I can’t … I can’t do this , I don’t know what you’re thinking and it’s confusing me and .. I just need to know what you think. Let’s not talk about this again okay ? that made Josh look down and Tyler wondered if he upset his friend with his endless babbling.

“I’ve got paper and pen… do you feel up to talk ? If you don’t you totally don’t have to. We can just lie here and relax, I’m completely okay with that “ for Tyler’s relief Josh gestured for him to bring the stuff over. He carefully got up from the bed and retrieved the plain white paper and a black pen. Josh reached out and took them as soon as Tyler brought them which made Tyler smile at his impatience.

 **You look like shit –** was the first thing Josh wrote and giggled , making Tyler smile himself.

“ I know Josh, I know “ he shook his head “ On the other hand you look better. How do you feel ?

**I’m glad ur here. I feel better now, Ty. So  much better**

**“** Does writing hurt ? – Tyler was still concerned; having all of your fingers crushed wasn’t something that passed so quickly. 

**It hurts more not talking to you**

Tyler knew that Josh wasn’t being over dramatic, because he felt exactly the same way.  It was an ache, deep and raw that settled in his gut every time he looked at Josh hurting, but couldn’t talk him through it.

“I miss your voice. And your jokes. You used to make the dumbest jokes ever” Tyler laughed at the mock-hurt expression on josh’s face.

**But you love them**

**“** There’s no denying that” he laughed some more, trying to stay positive for Josh’s sake, but there was something in his throat, not letting him swallow or breathe properly. Something dark and bitter and scary.

**I’m sorry I’m making you sad**

“No, no no “ Tyler instantly started “ None of this is your fault. There is absolutely nothing to apologize for Josh.  Don’t be sorry, I ‘m just .. It’s difficult seeing your like this , it does hurt, but it’s not you who makes me sad.”

**I should’ve listened to you. I’m sorry I didn’t, Tyler, I’m really sorry**

When Tyler realized what Josh was talking about he felt like someone was trying to rip his windpipe out of his throat..  he was apologizing for leaving and Tyler wanted to scream. He still remembered their conversation before Josh left and how he asked him not to go, because he was scared and selfish.  He wanted to scream because it wasn’t Josh’s fault, nothing was, but at the same time Tyler felt a tiny little part of himself blaming Josh for leaving everything behind , for leaving him and doing this by himself.

“ No, listen Josh, listen to me, okay ? ‘ Tyler could see tears in his best friend’s eyes and felt his own watering “ You haven’t done anything wrong. What you did, it was brave and bold and maybe a little reckless, but even though I missed you terribly I felt so proud of you for doing it. I admit I would probably never find the courage to do it, but you are so much braver than me and I admire you so much.  You didn’t do anything wrong. You didn’t deserve this, nobody deserves this”  Josh couldn’t meet Tyler’s gaze and it broke Tyler’s heart to think that his friend felt guilty about something completely out of his control.

Tyler hugged Josh tight, trying to do everything he could to make him believe his words

“ I know you feel guilty right now, J. I know that you feel like this was your fault, but for what it’s worth I would never put the blame on you and I would never EVER believe that what happened to you was even remotely your fault”  Josh was sniffling quietly in Tyler’s arms, obviously over emotional and upset. It was the first time they “talked” about what was happening and it was already too much. Tyler knew that he wasn’t even scratching the surface right now, there were so many layers of emotions and suppressed feelings that were tearing Josh apart and it scared him. He was supposed to be the reassuring one, the one who’s supposed to keep it together, but how the hell could he not break when Josh was crying in his arms overwhelmed by guilt ?

“ Shhh, it’s okay to cry. It’s okay”  he wasn’t sure if he was trying to convince Josh or himself, but he kept saying it, hoping the drummer understood.

With shaking hands and wet face Josh picked up the pen and what he wrote made Tyler want to HURT every single person who has ever caused Josh pain.

**I don’t feel like myself anymore Ty. I feel like they’ve taken everything I’ve ever been and destroyed it. And I’m scared you’ll hate me. When you see what’s really left of me and realize I’m not the same.**

Josh made a chocked up noise and threw the pen on the bed, hands flying to his face to hide the ugly tears rolling down his checks. He curled up on himself and let the tears and sobs out as Tyler watched helpless and unable to do much to help, besides being there for his friend. Tyler has learned that whenever Josh went into this  kind of mood he closed up in himself and didn’t like being touched, probably relieving something traumatizing. So he just sat on the bed and watched the stars through the window, wondering if the pain in his chest will ever lessen, or the feeling of guilt will ever go away.

 

 

*********************

 

After Josh got his vision back the physical therapy was renewed for both his feet legs and shoulders. There was a lot to work on before he could get his joint replacement surgery and the process was slow and painful for everyone.  The muscle atrophy was already beginning to eat the muscles on his legs due to the lengthily disuse, so it was crucial he was moving and loading his muscles so they could regain some strength back.  Josh’s every day started with a grueling two hours long therapy, which involved combined exercises for his upper legs , shins and calves and ended with a very painful session that was supposed to help him stand on the soles of his feet after the neurological damage the beatings have caused there.  It was the worst and so far Tyler couldn’t see how it helped when it usually ended up with Josh spending the rest of the afternoon gritting his teeth from the pain.  Tyler was of course strictly by his side and no matter how insisting the nurses were about him leaving the room and letting the doctors do their thing Tyler was adamant. Eventually everyone got used to his presence and learned to work around him, while Tyler held Josh’s hand or talked to him for distraction.  Josh literally begged the nurses to let Tyler bring his ukulele to his room so the singer could perform something live and since everyone in the hospital personnel were very fond of Josh they finally bent and let Tyler bring his instrument. 

Josh was beaming from his bed, no trace of the exhaustion and pain that were painting his features just 5 minutes ago.  Tyler was sitting in his usual spot on the chair by Josh’s bed, holding his ukulele and feeling foolishly nervous. It’s not like he hasn’t performed these songs billion times in front of crowds before, but this felt so much different.  The genuine smile on Josh’s slightly scruffy face reassured him so he smiled back, small and shy and let his hands find the melody on the string.

It was surprisingly easy, playing a tune he hasn’t played for long months, but it was flowing out of him now. It felt like the music was coming right out of his soul, out of his very bones . His fingers danced easily on the strings, strumming out a melody that unleashed his fears, doubts and pain, letting them flow out and disappear in the air. Josh was still smiling but his entire attention was drawn to Tyler and the beautiful sounds his hands were producing.  He only broke it for a second to write something and show it to Tyler

**Please sing to me.  Wanna hear your beautiful voice**

Tyler blushed and grinned, feeling warmth spread through his body at the compliment.  He tried to think of something hopeful to sing , but remembered that most of his songs were written while being at a bad place. It shouldn’t be that hard to pick a song to sing, he has written dozens upon dozens the past few years, but now he was singing to Josh, who was fragile and tethering on the edge. Tyler needed to be careful.

He let the melody flow itself and the words came out of his mouth almost on their own accord.

 

_I am cold, can you hear?_

_I will fly with no hope, no fear_

_And the ground taunts my wings_

_Plummet as I sing, plummet as I sing_

Tyler’s voice was soft and barely above whisper, this song has always brought the feeling of being too desperate to be scared anymore.. this kind of fearless state when you’re not even afraid of dying , of taking that last step that lead towards the edge and just plummet down ..

 

_All we are is an isle of flightless birds_

_We find our worth in giving birth and stuff_

_We're lining our homes against winding roads_

_And we think the going is tough_

_We pick songs to sing, remind us of things that nobody cares about_

_And honestly we're probably more suicidal than ever now_

_If you decide to live by, what you think's wrong and what's right_

_Believe me you'll begin to wish you were sleeping_

_Your weeping will creep in your head and you'll cry_

_But if we wake up every morning and decide what we believe_

_We can take apart our very heart and the light will set us free_

When Tyler opened his eyes he saw Josh sitting quietly on his bed, eyes distant and glossed over, like he wasn’t even here. When he stopped playing Josh frowned and looked over  to see why the music has stopped.  Tyler smiled at him and Josh smiled back and clapped his hands lightly, applauding his best friend. It surprised him when he heard applause behind him as well, where a couple of nurses and patients  were standing in awe, and have obviously listened as well.  Tyler blushed and God it was stupid, why was he blushing like some rookie, like he hasn’t played in front of thousands of people ? The attention made him feel nervous, like it was the first time he performed the song in front of an audience. 

"God" one of the nurses said and the other one nodded in agreement " That was so beautiful Tyler, oh my God" they were both tearing up, the crowd at the door was now growing even bigger.

"Play another one, please " someone exclaimed and Tyler blushed even further. His voice was rough and shot from crying and lack of sleep, fingers shaking and numb. This was deffinitely not his top performance and he knew it. But the desicion to play more came easy when he cought the proud look in Josh's eyes, who was smiling happily at him and nodded his agreement. Taking a breath and closing his eyes Tyler let his fingers find the notes once again, without putting too much thought in what he's about to sing. It just happened and Tyler loved it.

It's been months and months since Tyler performed something to someone. The vice grip of depression caused by Josh's dissapearence wouldnt let him be creative of feel any sort of freedom or happiness. Singing and writing has always been his outlet for pent up pain and self hatered, but this time he coulnt even have that. He ended up hating everything he wrote, hated his voice and coulnt stand performing without Josh by his side. In his bouts of anger and guilt he promised himself he will never EVER sing another song in his life, he even went as far as trying to smash his own fingers with hammer in order to make sure he keeps his promise.  Thank God for Mark and his parents who made sure he didnt do something as stupid as that.

That's how they spent their day, Tyler singing and playing and the rest of the unit listening, staff included. Even when nurses came and went, taking care of Josh they insisted he kept playing to distract him from the discomfort. Tyler was happy to find out that Josh was drumming away a beat with his fingers, something that has always come naturally to the curly haired man. Soon he will want to go back to drumming, Tyler knew that and he dreaded that moment. His injuries were too serious and threatening to leave him with disability for the rest of his life. A disability that will make drumming almost impossible task,  the though alone was stabbing Tyler with a sharp knife straight to the heart. "Focus on the bright side" Tyler scolded himself for the thousandth time and right now there was nothing brighter than Josh's smile while he listened to his best friend sing. It was evident to Tyler and to everyone around him that Josh was finding peace and remedy for his pain in music, which was something that hasn’t changed since they became best friends. Tyler was now full of new ideas for music, bubbling inside him like a volcano, fueled by the constant emotional roller-coaster his life has become.  Getting them out on paper was a lot more difficult though and it was frustrating. Tyler couldn’t imagine writing a song without Josh’s beat on it, it just didn’t feel right. He didn’t want anyone else’s drums and knew that if he did record it with someone else it wouldn’t sound right to him.  For now he wrote melodies on the piano and didn’t go further than that.  Thinking about his future without playing music with Josh was too painful, so he left it for another day, when the pain wasn’t gripping his heart without mercy.

 

*****

Josh woke up with his head pillowed on Tyler’s knees, a warm and soft feeling of belonging and safety fillig his insides.  He could hear his best friend snore quietly above him and smiled, because well, Tyler has always been a cute sleeper.  Josh slowly opened his eyes and noticed that Tyler was actually still sitting on his chair by his bed and it must’ve been really uncomfortable sleeping half folded like that.  So he slowly rose from his lying position, wincing at the pain in his ribs and shoulders. His hand found Tyler’s as he wrapped his fingers around the singer’s wrist and pulled gently. This produced almost instant reaction, Tyler jumped in his seat and straightened up, obviously ready to react to some sort of emergency situation. Josh felt guilt creep up on him once again, the startled reaction and constant worried state his friend was in were definitely his fault.  Josh held on to Tyler’s wrist as the singer found his bearings and finally smiled down at Josh

“ Morning Josh” Tyler sleepily greeted and rubbed his eyes “ Everything alright ?

Josh nodded and patted the empty spot next to him. He could tell that Tyler was stiff from sleeping on the chair and wanted him to lie down and relax a bit.

“ Damn did I fall asleep in that chair ? “ Tyler murmured and stretched  his arms above his head. He god up and moved to the bed, carefully lying down next to his best friend and rubbed his shoulder

“ How do you feel ?” a question Tyler would ask probably 200 times a day , but Josh still couldn’t find it in him to answer honestly. _Dirty. Empty. Scared. Used. Guilty._

 **Tired –** Josh wrote which wasn’t a lie either. He hasn’t slept much, thanks to the awful nightmares chasing him every time he closed his eyes. Lack of sleep was wearing him off, making his recovery even more difficult , but nothing helped his mind calm down and stop replaying every single horror he’s been through back in captivity. Josh doubted this will ever change

Tyler’s face fell slightly, understanding filling his hazel eyes. He knew exactly why Josh was tired , because the drummer would keep him awake many nights with his screaming and babbling. Pang of guilt pulled at Josh’s insides once again. He hated seeing Tyler like this.

“ I’m sorry” he looked tired himself “ Are you in pain ? Do you need me to get the nurse? “ another question Josh got asked many times a day. Sometimes he said yes and let the medicine take care of his aches and pains, numbing his body to the point of not feeling at all. But that brought a whole new level of pain, not physical, but aching so hard it made him want to scream and run away as far as he could.  It would make his blood freeze and mind reel, memories and feelings, smells and sounds filling his brain and making him want to claw his way out of his own body.  Whenever that happened, when he’s left all alone with his thoughts with no pain to use as distraction he’d claw at  his wounds or bend his broken bones, chasing the feeling , trying to feel _something,_ anything but the guilt, disgust, shame, hate. He hated himself, hated, hated, _hated, **hated**_ **….**

“ Hey, you with me ?” Tyler’s gentle voice filled his mind and brought him back to reality. He looked up at Tyler’s worried face and shook his head

 **I don’t need more medicine –** he wrote, but Tyler still looked unconvinced

“ Do you want something else then ? Can I get you something ? “

 **Can you take me outside ? Please ??**   - the doctors still felt sceptical about Josh leaving his bed, but God he wanted to feel the sun on his skin again. He wanted to breathe in the smell of grass and trees and fresh air, after all of the time spent in the horrible dirty cell and then the too clean and anticeptic-smelling hospital rooms. His fingers were aching to touch something alive and real and growing out of the Earth. Grass. A flower. Closing his eyes Josh remembered what it was like when him and Tyler would spend whole afternoons , lazy laying in the grass, talking about their dreams and visions of the future. It was painful how much he missed those days.

" Are you sure you’re up to it ? “ Tyler looked worried, but happy Josh actually asked for something.

 **Please Tyler, I haven’t been outside for so long. I miss the sun –** pain flashed in Tyler’s eyes as he read the words from the piece of paper . He looked up and looked like he’s about to cry

“Of course, J,  I’ll talk to the nurses. I’m sure we’ll come up with something “ He patted Josh on the shoulder again and walked out of the room quietly, taking the piece of paper with him.

Josh sighted. He shouldn’t have said it that way. The sadness in Tyler’s eyes was difficult to bear and one of the few things Josh hated more than the feeling of helplessness that weighted on him every day.  But he wanted to go out almost more than anything else in the world right now. Seeing the sun rise and set from the hospital window was tough. It reminded him of being trapped, unable to do what he wanted to while being completely bedridden.

It took Tyler almost half an hour before he came back with Jess and another nurse, dragging an IV stand on wheels with them. Tyler was smiling and Josh smiled back, the talk obviously worked and he was going out. A wheelchair was also brought in that made him a little nervous, but Tyler came over to his bed and put his hand in Josh’s for reassurance.

“We’ve got an hour outside. There’s pretty awesome garden with a small pond behind the hospital Jess told me about “ She smiled and set the portable IV stand next to Josh’s bed

“That’s right, Josh. It’s really beautiful out there . I hope you like it” Jess said and Tyler nodded along. “But before you go we need to prepare you. You’re still not well enough to go out without this” she touched the tube sticking out of Josh’s arm and he nodded.  He’d do just about anything right now just to get out and spend an hour with Tyler by the pond.

__

 

It was more difficult that Josh had initially imagined.  He could sit up in his bed and stay like that for a while before the discomfort in his bones and fatigue forced him to lay back down.  He thought that getting out of bed would be easier, but unfortunately for him his body didn’t agree with his plans to move out of the safety and comfort of bed.  It took a while for him to sit on the edge of the bed and swing his feet so they almost touched the ground.  The pain in his abused knees was reminding him of the months spent crawling and his head was spinning from that  thought. Back aching and stomach twisting , he sat there on the edge of the bed gulping breath after breath of air, trying to calm himself down. He was just going to move from the bed to the chair, no big deal.  But for his body it was obviously a big one, after such a long time spent lying on the said bed.

Tyler was standing right next to Josh and observed him with worry and something that resembled pity. He must be quite the sight right now – trying to sit up without throwing up or passing out. Freaking great.  But there was no turning back now, he asked this himself and hell he really wanted to get out of the goddamn hospital room.  When he felt steady enough Josh stretched both hands in front of him and immediately Tyler and Jess were supporting him gently on both sides, helping him up from the bed and directing him to the wheelchair standing next to it.  Josh barely touched the ground with his feet when pain laced through them and made him fold in on himself. He could hear Tyler talking him through it, telling him he’s okay and he’s god him, but God did it hurt. Gritting his teeth, Josh held onto the wheelchair handles and waited for the pain to subside, only leaving a faint ache.  Now his shoulders were hurting too, but he could handle it, he wasn’t that weak.  Nodding his head , he signaled that he’s okay and ready to go.  Tyler squeezed his shoulder for reassurance and said a quiet “ I’m proud of you, J” and pushed the wheelchair slowly , while Jess walked along, dragging the portable IV after them.

The sun hit Josh in the face the moment he went through the back door of the hospital that lead to a small ramp ending up in one of the alleys of the small park.  After they went down the ramp and into the park, Jess let Tyler push both wheelchair and IV stand, leaving the two best friends alone for the walk.  It was warm and sunny, still too early to be hot , but warm enough for Josh’s pale skin to shiver from the pleasant feeling. The grass was so green it felt almost unreal and the blue sky was adding to the overwhelming feeling of _color ,_ something his senses has been missing for God knows how long.

They walked to the pond, Tyler sitting on a bench while Josh’s wheelchair was parked right next to him. The view was beautiful, it was everything Josh wanted and he once again felt like he didn’t deserve any of it.  People were dead, people just as innocent as him, just as undeserving of suffering. Hell there were _kids_ being tortured right in front of him, who died, all alone, all so scared. And he was alive, enjoying the beautiful sunny day , away from the horror and the fear and it just felt **wrong.**  Why couldnt he enjoy a single thing without feeling incredibly guilty ? 

" I can hear you thinking " Tyler once again pulled him out of his thoughts " Just relax and enjoy the beauty, J. It's beautiful just for you. Because you deserve all of the beauty and happiness in the world. No matter how much you disagree with that, I will keep telling you this. You are the kindest and modest and selfless person I have ever met in my life. " the water was reflecting in Tyle's eyes and made his tears sparkle. Josh put his head on Tyler's arm , the wind ruffling his hair softly. He thought about Tyler's words - if he was as good and as kind as Tyler was saying than why did all of that happen to him ? It didn't make any sense so Josh stopped thinking and relaxed in his seat. Tyler was humming something quietly which made Josh close his eyes and listen to Tylers voice and the birds singing alonh with him. His best friend had the most beautiful voice in the Universe Josh told himself and let it envelop him in softness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this story has been a huge rollercoaster of emotions so far and I'm glad you guys feel the same way while reading it. There's still a lot to this story that I feel like I need to add, so expect many more chapters. Just a reminder, that this story is based and inspired by real life events. Stories like this one are not rare, nor unique ; while doing research for this story I ended up reading many interviews, sotries and reports about people being kidnapped, tortured, mutilated and degraded in ways I could never imagine. My hope is that this story stays true and feels real, because IT IS real. That being said, I'd love to know what you think while reading this. 
> 
> Stay safe guys.  
> Stay alive |-/


	22. Feel my conscience wearing thin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh is learning to walk again and gets ready for his throat surgery.  
> Neither goes smoothly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again my frens :) I'm really happy to be back with another 6k long angsty chapter. I hope you haven't waited too long. I've been getting so many positive comments it makes me want to hug all of you for the effort and for taking the time to drop them in my inbox. I'm sorry if I can't answer all of them, but every single once makes me smile, so thank you so so much <3 
> 
> I welcome any sort of feedback, so if you think that I'm missing something or pushing something , please let me know. This is my first work here so I might not be the best, but trust me I'm trying :) Anyways, enjoy lovelies ^_^

Josh was scheduled to have surgery on his vocal cords , after an appointment with a surgeon who said it was safe enough to try and restore what has been damaged all those months ago. A bunch of tests and scans followed that day and all of them concluded that Josh was ready to get on the operating table.  They tried giving him food through the mouth, but due to his vocal cord paralysis he couldn’t swallow it all down and chocked on it pretty badly , which forced the nurses to stop trying to feed him like that. It was a big disappointment for Josh who was looking forward to finally eating something, tasting food rather than just being fed a squashy soup through a tube in his stomach.  It was surprising and foreign, the way his throat just couldn’t swallow right and most of the chicken soup went into his airways instead of stomach. A violent coughing fit followed , which made his ribs and head hurt and scared the hell out of Tyler and Jenna who witnessed it  all.  After the first incident with the food Josh literally begged Tyler who begged the nurse to let Josh try something else to eat, that maybe he has just forgotten how to swallow after so long and Jess finally bulged in and let Tyler sneak in some Taco Bell.  The second attempt to eat went better than the first one, but just when Josh thought that he’ll actually be able to enjoy the delicious food his throat closed in on itself again and not only he choked again, but ended up throwing up everything he did manage to take in.

After that Jess and dr. Lewis were solid on waiting for Josh to have his throat surgery first before they tried feeding him through his mouth again.  It was a bummer, for Josh especially, but he could see the glint of excitement in Tyler’s eyes whenever the doctor mentioned his surgery and knew how much his best friend was looking forward to it. Josh felt guilty, because he didn’t, he feared it more than anything, not the surgery itself, but the fact that he might get his voice back and the enormous weight that came with it.

 It’s not that he didn’t want to be able to speak. It was endlessly frustrating to be trapped inside your own mind, without the opportunity to express yourself. Yes, he could write, but he couldn’t put any emotion into his words while they dried on the piece of paper. He wasn’t good with words, never been one to use words to express himself rather than hit his drums and let the beat talk for him.  It was pretty tough talking to Tyler like that, because he wanted to tell him so many things and writing them down wouldn’t sound right. It was too mechanical, too emotionless and Josh hated talking to Tyler like that, because his friend didn’t deserve it.  Actually Tyler didn’t deserve any of this , but thinking about what he’d done to him and his life was almost as torturous as the months spent in captivity. The way Tyler would jump at the slightest twinge or move Josh would make, the way his eyes were sunken in and circled with dark bags, the way his voice would waver and shake. It was all too much and Josh felt so guilty sometimes he wished he was never rescued.  Which is a horrible thing to think about and one of the reasons why Josh didn’t want to get his voice back. Like this, he would never tell Tyler , he’d never admit that he’d rather die than do this to his best friend.  It was easier to keep things from him without a voice.

But getting it back would mean questions, conversations and confessions.  Josh knew he couldn’t keep things from Tyler for too long, because his best friend knew him too well.  But God he wasn’t ready to confess all of the horrors he’s been through and being honest with himself he didn’t think he’d ever be ready.  And even more so he didn’t think Tyler was ready to hear all that either.  Josh was smart enough to know that Tyler was told about his injuries and the things that might’ve caused them, but it was a whole different thing hearing the gruesome and humiliating details.  Josh shivered.  How was he supposed to talk about it when just thinking made his insides tie together in knots?  He sighted.  It was early morning and his thoughts were already going to dangerous places. 

Tyler was currently asleep next to Josh, half draped over him, with his other half still on the chair next to Josh’s bed.  It wasn’t a comfortable position to sleep, but it was endearing how Tyler always ended up falling asleep half on top of Josh even when he wasn’t sleeping on the bed with him.  They were like magnets; there was something strong, some sort of force that drew them to each other and they often ended up tangled together without remembering how they got there in the first place.  Josh observed the sleeping man for a moment before he gently tugged at his shoulder and made him steer.  It was early morning,  Josh  could tell what time it was just from the sun’s position in the sky. He has spent over two months and a half in this room, watching the sun rise and set from his bed. He itched to get out of there. He wanted to go home, to sleep in his bed and take showers instead of being washed in his bed by nurses.  And most of all he wanted to be alone. He couldn’t get any privacy here, the constant flow of nurses, doctors , therapists and relatives were making him want to hide somewhere out of sight and stay there forever.  It’s not that Josh didn’t like being around people, but he felt ashamed of the state he was in and didn’t want people to witness his suffering and downfall.  In moments of weakness, when he couldn’t hold back his tears and the pain and guilt took the best of him he wanted to be alone more than anything, but he couldn’t even get that. It was different with Tyler though. It has always been different with him.

The singer raised his head slowly and smiled up at Josh with barely opened and unfocused eyes.  He straightened up in his chair and yawned. Looking at his watch he rubbed his eyes and mumbled “morning, J” which made the latter smile.  It was around 7 am and mornings were the least favorite time for Josh when his right hand got re-bandaged and he had physical therapy he didn’t look forward to.  Despite that and despite the pain it brought, Josh was doing well according to his therapist, who even promised to bring a walking frame this morning,  to help Josh make a few steps on his own, without anyone’s support. It would be a big progress and the drummer fought hard to make it happen, but it was still overwhelming to stand on his own ; he could literally feel his leg muscles wasting away and leave him too weak to support his own weight. 

Tyler was restless during therapy. The doctor had to tell him about 10 times to let Josh stand on his own, but seeing his friend’s face screwed up in pain and not doing anything about it was difficult.  Josh was gripping the walking frame so hard his knuckles were white and his fingers were aching.  Tyler was standing next to him, with both his arms outstretched and ready to catch Josh any moment if he fell or tripped.  He wanted to tell Tyler to move away and let him do this, but he couldn’t, plus he knew that his friend meant well and didn’t want to hurt his feelings. Jess was also standing at the door, eyes full of pity and compassion that made Josh’s cheeks heat up. His parents were outside, but his mom was peeking through the door window , too nervous and impatient to wait for it to be over.  With all of those eyes on him Josh felt vulnerable and on display, his struggle to stand on his own feet too difficult to get over. He closed his eyes. Focused on the pain that was ravishing his feet and gripped the foam handgrip of the walking frame . He inched his left foot off the ground and felt the change of pressure instantly, his foot didn’t hurt too much until he put it back on the ground in front of him and another fresh wave of agony hit him full force.

Josh grunted, the pain was unbearable as he put the entire weight of his body on his left foot and lifted his right one off the ground.  He pushed the walking frame a couple of inches forward and then landed his right foot slowly on the ground, earning another painful groan.  He actually just made a step. Opening his eyes, Josh could see that everyone was holding their breath, even the therapist who was looking at him with concern and a hint of amusement mixed with pride.  Tyler actually had his hands over his mouth, probably holding himself back from saying something and ruin the moment.

Josh could feel sweat tickling down his face and neck, the effort of the short walk making him feel like he just finished a marathon.  And he only made one step so far. The therapist examined him for a few moments and then came closer and asked :

“ How about we take a rest now ? You did very well, Josh. This is a big progress” but Josh was shaking his head as soon as the doctor finished his question. He needed to do this. He had to get passed the pain and discomfort and prove mostly to himself that he wasn’t weak. That _they_ didn’t completely break him. That he wasn’t defeated. “ Are you sure ? I don’t want you to push yourself too hard from the beginning, we have plenty of time to work on walking” but Josh nodded again and looked up at the doctor , hoping that his expression showed how determined he was and how much he wanted this.

“Alright, another step and you have rest okay ?” Josh looked back down at his feet , his hands already shaking from the effort to hold himself up and take some of the weight off his hurting feet. Taking one final deep breath he looked up at Tyler and saw in his eyes exactly what he needed right now – no trace of pity, only firm determination and belief . He had to do this for both of them.

The second step wasn’t much better than the first one. It was actually worse, if that was even possible;  his feet already irritated and sore from the pressure they had to sustain.  It was hard to believe how much damage a simple beating to his feet would cause.  His captors would use this kind of torture as sort of a punishment when he acted out or angered them and usually ended up with Josh not being able to stand on his feet for days, even weeks. They beat him with bats, whips , belts and other weapons they could lend their hands on and they all hurt equally as much and left him in agonising pain that didn't subside for weeks. And now, months later the pain was so unbearable it drew tears to his eyes as he put his weight on one foot, even the strong grip on the walking frame couldnt help him hold them back.

Josh felt a hand on his upper arm and flinched back, losing his balance slightly, causing another flash of pain to pierce his right foot that was currently holding his weight.

" That' enough Josh" someone was saying , but Josh shook his head. He was actually taking steps, no matter how small or painful, he was walking. He didn't want to stop now " Come on Josh, that's enough for today, no need to hurt yourself further. " Panting and shaking he shook his head again

" Please J, come on, let's rest okay ? It's Tyler's voice that made his eyes snap open, his blurry vision and wet lashes telling him he's been crying. Tyler looked scared, a look Josh absolutely hated seeing and instantly felt more guilt and regret creep up into his throat, squeezing it. Tears were wetting Josh's face as he let the doctor guide him slowly back and down into the wheelchair that was ready and waiting by the bed. Tyler was by his side in an instant hugging him awkwardly between the wheelchair handles. Josh finally let himself cry into his best friend's shoulder, all of the disappontnent and shame turning into sobs he couldnt hold back or control. Two steps. That was all he could muster in a whole hour. Just two tiny steps that exhausted him to the point of sobbing. Well it wasnt just the exhaustion that drew the salty tears, the pain was raw and strong and his disappointment even stronger.

" Shhh it's okay J, you did so well , you're making me so proud " Tyler was speaking quietly into Josh's ear and he tried to focus on Tyler's voice instead of the pain that threathened to consume him. " You did amazing, Josh, you' ve worked so hard and did so well " Tyler slowly pulled back from their hug and whiped the tears from Josh' s face. " You're so brave " it came out as a whisper , like something that was only meant to be heard by the two of them " I know it's hard for you to see that right now, but you are the bravest person I have ever met in my life , Josh and I'm so proud to call myself your friend. I'd never trade this for anything okay ? I mean it, J" all Josh could do was grip Tyler's hand and squeeze his eyes tightly shut, his other hand balled in a fist in his lap. If Tyler thought he was brave he had to be, for his friend’s sake. He didn’t want to disappoint him anymore, didn’t want to hurt him further by showing weakness or give up , when Tyler had so much hope in his recovery.  He owed him that much, Josh thought , after ruining his life, career and probably just about every aspect of his life. 

After a brief conversation with the therapist and Jess, Tyler was allowed to take Josh for a walk outside, to help him take his mind off the painful experience and enjoy the fresh air.  It was a rainy and cool day, so the nurse insisted that Josh got dressed warmer. She ended up draping a warm blanket around his shoulders, because putting anything over his head and arms would be adding more pain to his already difficult morning.  Tyler wheeled Josh outside and walked slowly through the empty hospital park. The alleys were wet from the rain that poured at night as well as the benches so he reconsidered taking a seat.  Josh had his head relaxed back and his eyes were closed, breathing breath after breath and tried to focus on the birds that were singing in the trees around them. Tyler was quiet, he was probably still affected by the tough experience back in the hospital room and Josh couldn’t blame him. If the roles were reversed and he had to witness Tyler being in so much pain his heart would probably not be able to take the sight.  …

They stopped in front of the small pond in the middle of the park and a pair of hesitant hands landed on his shoulders. Josh sighted and relaxed further into the chair and Tyler began massaging him gently through his shirt.  It felt nice, the soft circular motions rubbing the stiffness and pain out of his damaged joints and lessened the pressure there.  Tyler always knew how to make him feel better.

“ I’m so sorry” Tyler spoke, his voice carrying so much emotion it made Josh’s heart want to burst in his chest “ I’m sorry this had to happen to you.  You shouldn’t be suffering like this… it’s wrong and unfair.. and I just .. “ he took a deep breath and let it out through his mouth. Josh couldn’t see Tyler’s face, but he assumed his friend was fighting back tears. “ I know that one day all of this will be behind us and you will be healthy and happy again. I just know it , Josh.  But we have to get through the bad days to reach the good ones, you know ? “ Josh just reached up and held Tyler’s hands on his shoulders and felt Tyler squeeze his fingers.  A kiss landed on top of his head and a moment later they were moving again, a slow walk that helped Josh more than he thought was possible.  The sky was cloudy and grey and resembled how Josh felt right now.  A week from now he’ll have surgery that will determine if he will ever speak again.  Josh both wanted to get his voice back and also felt absolutely terrified by that idea. 

 

A few hours later Josh was laying in his bed, with Tyler and Jenna sitting next to it and the otolaryngologists – dr. Cheung was standing by the head of Josh’s bed, holding some papers and scan results in his hands.

He put the scan at the light of the window and it showed something blurry and not very familiar to anyone in the room, except to the doctor himself probably. 

“ This “ he pointed to the center of the picture with his pen” is the so called voice box. The voice box, or larynx, has three important functions. It is necessary for breathing, voice and swallowing. The vocal folds have two positions, open (apart) for breathing  and closed (together) for making sound, coughing and sealing off the lungs when swallowing . When one of the vocal folds are paralyzed, it usually rests in an in-between position , and neither opens for breathing, nor closes for voicing, coughing, or swallowing. Usually, the effects on the voice are the most dramatic. The surgical procedure to restore these important functions is called "medialization laryngoplasty".The procedure aims to restore function to the larynx by moving the paralyzed vocal fold to the middle. When this occurs, the un-paralyzed side meets it in the middle for non-breathing functions, and results in complete closure. Now, this is the first stage of the surgery. Sometimes the gap between the vocal folds is too great to be closed with an implant alone. Additionally, a very large gap can significantly impair the swallowing, with liquids frequently going down the "wrong pipe." In these cases, it may be preferable to move the cartilage of the vocal cord as well as placing an implant. This procedure is called an arytenoid adduction, and is done in conjunction with medialization laryngoplasty. You can see on the picture here “ he pointed toward the blurred white mess on the scan “ that the gap between Josh’s vocal folds is too great , due to the lack of adequate treatment in the months following his larynx paralysis.  “ He put the scan down on the table near Josh’s head and continued with an explanation about the surgery itself” The goal of the procedure is to move the vocal cord cartilage into the middle, closing the gap between the vocal cords which contribute to to the voice and swallowing problems . To reach this cartilage, a longer incision must be used, and many of the large muscles of the neck must be divided and then later sewn back together. As such, the severity and duration of post-operative discomfort is significantly greater, lasting upwards of a week.” The doctor paused and looked at Tyler and Jenna who held hands and looked uneasy in their seats. “ Now, do you have any questions regarding the surgery ? Do you want to ask something ?

“ Umm how long will it take for Josh to recover after the surgery to .. like try and speak ? I mean when will we know if it has been successful ?

“  Well if everything goes as planned then there’s no reason to worry about him not being able to speak or swallow food properly. It is different and individual with every patient, but normally, the swelling should completely disappear after 6 weeks post-surgery. Expect a "surgical laryngitis" , also known as hoarseness for the first few weeks-months. When Josh wakes up, he should feel the difference right away, but it’s not recommended that he speaks for at least a day. There is no voice rest or swallowing restrictions, however, most have some discomfort when swallowing after the cartilage repositioning because of the muscles that had to be divided and sewn back together.” As the doctor spoke Josh was a mess of anxiety and nerves on the bed. He couldn’t stop thinking about what will happen after he wakes up. Will he really feel different ? Will talking feel different ? Will it hurt ? Would he even dare speak after all of the months of disuse… what if he doesn’t remember how to do it ? Gosh that was stupid , it sounded stupid, but he wasn’t sure he knew how to produce speech anymore, it usually hurt a lot when he tried.

Sensing his nervousness Tyler spoke up :

“ It’s going to be fine Josh, you’ll see. No one is pressuring you into anything, you can talk whenever you feel ready. I mean it okay ? “ Josh hesitantly nodded and looked down at his hands. He will never feel truly ready. 

\--------

 

A week later Josh was definitely not any more ready than he was that day. He actually felt even more nervous as the nurses were preparing him for the upcoming surgery. He’d be under full anesthesia, so he won’t feel anything.  The pain wasn’t what bothered Josh the most though. It was the weight of everyone’s expectations, especially Tyler’s who was even more anxious than Josh if that was even possible; walking back and forth all day, looking pale and restless.  It was a big day and a lot of people stopped by Josh’s room to wish him luck. Not only relatives and friends, but also big part of the staff of the hospital, who grew warm towards the quietly kind man.  He was truly touched by all of the attention and wished he could do more to thank them, other than smile warmly and mouth “thank you’s” . 

Tyler stuck to his side literally moments before he was taken to the operating room. He held Josh’s hand in his cold one and told him quietly that things will be okay. Josh looked at him for as long as he could and listened to every single word Tyler told him, like his life depended on it.  He felt so scared it surprised him, because hell he’s been through far worse things, but this was making him feel  weak and oh so scared.  He was squeezing Tyler’s hand in his in an almost painful grip, afraid that if he let go they will take him away and he will never see his best friend again. If that ever happened he’d probably not muster the strength to survive it this time around.  Tyler was holding him just as tight, reassuring words leaving his lips, along with promises of things getting better.

Dr. Cheung gave them some time alone during which Tyler cried and Josh was teary eyed, but managed to stay strong and be the reassuring one.  When it was time for Tyler to leave he kissed Josh’s temple and told him he’ll see him in a couple of hours. Josh closed his eyes.  His heart was pounding in his chest, leaving the monitor beeping in a fast rate. IT was still mystery to him why he was so scared, but the feeling of dread was heavy in his chest.  A mask was put over his face and a gentle female voice told him to count from 10 to 1. He only managed to get to 4 when his mind went blank and the darkness lulled him into its comfortable embrace.

 

\----------------

Waking up from the heavy medication has always been one of the least favorite times for Josh who’s mind was a jumbled mess of voices, memories, places and dreams. It was difficult to go back into consciousness and he wasn’t exactly in a hurry either;  staying in the middle of being awake and asleep was better than waking up and experiencing all of the awful post-surgery pains the doctor was warning him about earlier.  A cold hand was holding his and his first instinct was to draw it away, but his muscles were not listening to him and all he could muster was a flinch. The hand stopped touching him for a moment, but then came back, careful fingers rubbing circles into his skin. It was pleasant and calming and Josh let it lull him back into half sleeping state.

Next time Josh was aware of his surroundings the cold hand wasn’t touching him anymore which made him feel both relieved and nervous at the same time. It was pitch black and Josh blinked a few times to make sure his eyes were opened, but it didn’t get any brighter. The darkness was intimidating and scary and ice cold fear of being blind again sliced Josh like a knife. It was also quiet, no sound of beeping or other machines made Josh even more worried.  Panicking he tried to move his hands to his face and see what’s blocking his vision, but to his horror he found that his hands were bound behind his back. Oh God.  Josh jerked his entire body, resulting in sharp pain in his hands and neck, which was apparently bound as well. No. No. No no no nonononononono . This wasn’t happening, this couldn’t be real, he had to be dreaming.  Trying to move his hands again Josh pulled at his restrains only to have them cut further into his skin. His breathing picked up, panic rising in his entire body like a tornado that crushed his insides.  “Wake up, Josh , wake up, please please wake up” he kept chanting in his head while listening around for any sign of footsteps or other noises.  Suddenly a cold wave washed over his body and Josh realized that he wasn’t wearing any clothes other than his underwear. The floor was cold under his bare body, sucking up his body heat with the speed of light.  His heart was literally jumping out of his ribcage, it beat so fast he was afraid he might have a heart attack. What was happening? Was it all a dream ? Being saved, being home, being _safe ?._  Did his imagination come up with all of that to prevent him from going crazy ? Josh shook his head, he was too confused to think clear and his head hurt as much as his shoulders did. The pain was real, he could feel it, so this must be real then ? But Tyler's hand in his felt so familiar and so real he couldn't have dreamed about it.

A loud shriek pulled him out of his thoughts and his entire body jerked violently from the sudden ear piercing sound. Someone was screaming somewhere near and this was Josh's worst nightmare, the helplessness of witnessing somebody's suffering in such close proximity with no possibility to help or react.

His knees were rubbing painfully on the ground as he tried to change his position somehow and find a less painful one. It was useless though, the chains only rattled loudly and made his heart clench even tighter at the too familiar sound.

The screaming was getting louder and more desperate and a terrifying realisation made Josh want to vomit. The voice sounded familiar, no it was more than that. This voice belonged to the same person who told Josh he was going to be okay before he fell asleep in his bed and woke up here. It was Tyler who was screaming.

Josh struggled with his bonds again, fear and frustration boiling in his veins. This couldn’t be happening.. They were torturing Tyler, he was here, he was also kidnapped and now they were doing to him exactly what they've been doing to Josh all those months. He pulled and pulled at his chains, desperation blurring his vision and making him want to chew the goddamn chains and run towards Tyler’s voice in order to save him somehow.

"Tyler" Josh tried to scream out, but it came out as a hoarse and weak whisper that made him choke. His throat hurt terribly, but he tried again and again " Tyler" he felt like crying and sure enough tears sprang to his eyes and burned them "Tyler" it came out louder, but didn't sound like him at all. The voice was too deep, too low to be his and Josh just couldnt understand. Tyler was howling now and Josh couldn't take it anymore. " Tyler!!" he screamed this time and the pain was so great it left him panting and gasping. He couldn't do this again, he couldnt exist like this for another minute, he just couldn't. Josh knew he would lose his mind for sure this time, especially with the way his best friend was screaming his lungs out a few feet away from him.

"Please, please leave him alone " Josh tried to beg and heard the same weak hoarse voice instead of his own. " I'll do anything , just please leave Tyler alone " he was sobbing now,  breaking apart at the seams , losing his mind, losing himself. He was going to die, this was going to be the end for him, he knew, he knew he just fucking knew it. 

In the hurracain of fear and dispare , cold hands were touching Josh's face and the contact was so sudden, so unexpectedly gentle it shocked him and made him move again. He was trashing wildly, but this time no chains rattled in the heavy air. Instead he heard a scared voice call out his name

" Josh. Josh its okay, you're safe, you're okay " and Josh didn’t understand , he didn’t know what was real and what was a product of his sick brain anymore. He knew he was still sobbing, but the careful hands were whipping his face and kept the soothing words coming

" I'm right here, J, I'm here and everything is going to be okay, I promise you"

"Tyler" he croaked out in the middle of his violent sobbing and felt hands wrap around his middle.

"Yeah, buddy, its me, it's Tyler. I'm okay, I'm right here" the warmth of the other's body heat brought Josh back to conciousness and he was gripping Tyler's torso so hard he'd be afraid of crushing a bone if he wasn't so desperate.

" Ty" he whispered and finally opened his eyes, almost crying with relief when Tyler's face was hovering above him, safe and sound, save for the tears glistening on his face.

" Ty" he said again, but Tyler shushed him and continued whipping Josh's tears from his face

"Shhh it's okay, try not to strain your voice right now alright ? You need to recover first, try to have some rest" and right on cue Josh felt the stinging and burning pain in his throat and coughed weakly, trying to swallow but feeling something sucking his saliva out instead. His mouth was incredibly dry and his throat was burning like wild fire. He must've been actually screaming when he had the terrible dream, or whatever that was and the fear of Tyler hearing his pleas was making his heart race even faster.

Josh blinked a couple of times to make sure he wasn’t dreaming and this was all real. He was lying in a hospital bed, not on the freezing ground , he wasn’t back _there_ and most importantly Tyler was here and he was alright.  His best friend looked scared out of his mind and Josh wanted to hug him again, just to feel his warmth and steady heartbeat, reassuring him this was real.  

Tyler must’ve noticed Josh’s discomfort , because he burrowed his eyebrows and rubbed Josh’s palm gently.

“ I should probably call dr. Cheung and tell him you’re awake. He’ll give you something for the pain, it probably hurts a lot” Tyler was about to get up when Josh’s hands flew up to grab him by the sleeve

“ Please stay” Josh rasped out, but despite the quietness and hoarseness of his voice it still sounded so desperate Tyler’s entire face scrunched up with sadness. “Don’t leave, Ty, please”

“Okay , okay, shhh” Tyler sat back down on Josh’s bed and took both of his hands in his. “ I’m not going anywhere. It’s okay” Tyler kissed both of Josh’s palms and rubbed them soothingly, looking tired and sad.  He pushed a button on Josh’s bed and almost instantly a nurse walked in, making Josh think she has been waiting outside all along. She quietly neared his bed, making careful and slow steps, as if afraid she’ll frighten him.  The entire staff must’ve been instructed to act very careful around him and Josh felt a little guilty for being so damaged he couldn’t even control his own reactions.  He smiled encouragingly at her and saw her face relax a little, as well as her posture, not so tense and careful anymore.

“Hello sunshine” she greeted him and smiled back at him, checking his vitals and writing things down “ It’s better if you don’t talk straight after you wake up, so I’m just going to ask you a couple of questions that require a “yes” or “ no” answer. Alright ? “ Josh nodded and relaxed against the pillow, lulled by Tyler’s gentle touch on his hands.

“ Alright. Does your throat hurt ? “ Josh nodded, because his throat was currently burned by a dull but throbbing pain, spreading all the way down to his neck and collar bone.

“ Okay. I will give you something to make you feel more comfortable. Can you show me with your fingers how much does it hurt from one to ten ? “ Tyler released Josh’s left hand and he stuck all 5 fingers out.

“Alright. We’re giving you steroids to help with the swelling. It’s probably uncomfortable , but the initial swelling will go down within the next 24 hours and we will remove the drainage tube from your throat tomorrow morning. “ Josh nodded

“ Okay “ the nurse smiled and stood right next to Tyler “ If it’s okay I will like to touch your throat and neck to see how your muscles are coping with the sewing process.  Can I touch you ? “ Josh hesitated for a second, but eventually nodded and relaxed his head back so it was easier for the nurse to reach his throat and neck.

Josh jumped at the contact with a quiet “Sorry” and the nurse gave him a sad look

“ It’s all right, you’re doing great. Just a bit more” she slid her fingers up and down his throat, probing gently and went all the way down to his neck and then back to his front. “All done now” the nurse announces with a smile and took off her gloves, writing something else in his file.

“ I will give you more pain medication to help you feel more comfortable. It’s good for you to rest for now, sleep if you can and use your throat as little as possible. If you need anything just press the button and I’ll be right here “ she smiled at Josh with a hint of sympathy, who  mouthed a “thank you” in return, than spared a sad glance at Tyler who offered her a small smile.  When she turned and left Josh let out a breath and relaxed again.

He looked up at Tyler tiredly, the pain medication kicking in and making him feel sleepy and heavy. He didn’t want to fall asleep, afraid he’ll wake up all alone in the darkness again, the mere thought making the hair on his neck stand.

“ Lie with me, please” Josh whispered and Tyler didn’t hesitate for a second,  before lying down next to Josh, careful not to pull out his IV or bother anything else that  might hurt him.

“ I’m right here, J. I will always be here, no matter what. No matter what you’ve done or what you think you did, I’ll be here.  Even in if you don’t want me to” and Josh couldn’t imagine not wanting Tyler’s presence when he needed it more than air;  but those words literally meant the world to him.  He needed to know that Tyler will support him and understand him, but at the same time didn’t want to make his life even more miserable by burdening him with the weight of his terrible experiences.  Torn between feeling grateful and guilty Josh snuggled into Tyler as much as he could with his uncooperative body and hoped that when he woke up, the warm embrace of his best friend will sooth some of the emotional turmoil he felt right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was kind of difficult to write and I ended up re-writing it a couple of times, but hopefully it wasn't too bad. Every time I finish a new chapter there's a process of doubting myself and wondering if people are going to be disappointed in my writing and stop reading my story. So it's very useful if you let me know what you think, every single comment helps this story go on and fuels my enthusiasm to write more.
> 
> Next chapter will have heavy triggered flashback so beware. I've written a lot of it, so I might upload it this weekend. 
> 
> Visit my tumblr and say hi or something :) I'd love to follow you guys <3 my url is i-m-a-goner-takeitslow.tumblr.com  
> I'm still pretty new to this fandom, but I've already received so much love and support it's incredible. Please keep being so kind and sweet because honestly, you're making the world a better place |-/


	23. 'Cause I just won't let go 'til we both see the light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is pretty heavy and contains graphic description of violence as well as non-very graphic description of rape/non-con towards the end.  
> This story has been inspired by tue events and is a product of many days/nights of reasearch, watching and reading, so keep in mind that this could be happening somewhere in the world right this second. 
> 
> Stay alive guys |-/

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's the newest chapter to my story. It's pretty heavy and graphic with really sad undertones, so keep that in mind while reading. I've been pretty sick lately and that might've resonated on my writing as well, hopefully not in a bad way. As an overall this story is not a happy one and probably won't have a very happy ending. I'm trying to stay true to the facts and not sugarcoat any of the events, because in real life happy endings are rather rare. 
> 
> Anyways, I hope you keep enjoying this story and keep writing comments to let me know how you feel and what you think. It's essential to my writing, so to everyone who has taken the time to do it so far - thank you all so much.

** Chapter title is taken from "Friend Please" by Twenty One Pilots **

 

 Tyler was observing Josh’s sleeping frame, wondering how in the world he will survive the pain of seeing Josh suffer , especially now, when Josh woke up screaming and pleading, calling for Tyler and begging someone not to hurt him, he just didn’t know.  Physically Josh was improving a lot. Tyler always knew that Josh was stoic and strong, but the amount of strength required to get over his overwhelming count of injuries was almost too great.  And yet Josh was soldiering through it, already making his first steps, working really hard to get back on his feet and out of the hospital.  It was sometimes too overwhelming to think of the road ahead, all of the therapy and recovery needed in order to get passed the traumatic experience and move on with his life, but Tyler _knew,_ he was absolutely sure that his best friend could do it, that he had the strength and the will to push through and make it out alive. 

But the more Tyler thought of their future the more questions were forming in his mind. Yes, it will take a long while before Josh goes back to normal life, but it will happen …. And then what ? What will they do ? It’s not very likely that Josh will ever be able to play drums, at least not the way he used to. The joint replacements surgery will help Josh get some of his mobility back, but the doctor warned him that the pain in his back and shoulders will never completely go away. It would still hurt if the tried to lift something heavy or apply more pressure. Or try hitting something harder. Like his drums.  This is a cruel punishment, Tyler couldn’t help but think, especially after everything the drummer has already been through - feeling pain every time he tried doing what he loved most in the world.

It has already been a few days since the throat surgery and Josh was allowed to speak , if he felt up to it of course.  Tyler was waiting patiently, he would never push his friend to do something he wasn’t feeling comfortable with, but God he missed talking to him so bad.  And of course Josh knew that and he’d probably push himself to do it even if he’s not comfortable just for Tyler’s sake.  Josh was the kind of person who always tried to make people around him feel better, even if it was making _him_ feel worse.  Tyler could see how the drummer tried extra hard during his physical therapy sessions just to see his parents smile when he walked the few agonizing steps.  Josh was too good, too kind for his own sake and nothing , absolutely nothing could justify the pain he was in right now. He didn’t deserve it and honestly Tyler couldn’t think of a proper crime that would deserve such inhuman punishment. 

Josh twitched in his sleep and his brows furrowed, face scrunching up in either pain or fear of it coming. Tyler scooted closer and put his hand on Josh’s cheek, rubbing softly in attempt to sooth whatever nightmarish vision he was having.  When they met 5 years ago the roles were reversed and it was Josh who shook Tyler awake from nightmares at night , when they shared rooms and van’s backseats.  They were probably nothing like Josh’s, but he often dreamed of drowning or falling to his death,  sometimes birds were poking his eyes out or other crazy stuff.  He’d wake up screaming, to a very scared and pale Josh who would spend the next couple of hours making him steaming cups of teas and wrap him in fluffy blankets.  And it always worked – Josh’s calming presence and endless care made him feel better and stopped the nightmares for a while.

Josh twitched again and this time his entire body moved a couple of inches, away from Tyler and closer to the wall. He was obviously trying to defend himself against something or someone , hands flying to his face in attempt to hide it.  Tyler acted immediately, gently pulling Josh’s hands from his face and petted his cheek and hair

“ Shhh, it’s okay, J, you’re okay. I’m here, no one will hurt you” he kept talking until he saw Josh’s muscles relax a little, and he was only shaking slightly now.

“Tyler” he said quietly and his heart broke again, from the fear in his best friend’s tone. It was often that Josh called him in his sleep, sometimes it was a desperate call for help and other times it was just a whisper.

“I’m here, J, I’m here” he kept touching gently until he saw Josh relax against the bed, no longer panting or tense.  His breath evened out and head fell back against the pillow and Tyler let out a heavy sight. 

Maybe he could finally get some sleep himself. It was 1 am last time he checked his phone and that was about half an hour ago.  He relaxed against the chair, letting his head fall back, listening to any noise of distress that would come from the bed. Everything was quiet , except for the noise coming from the beeping machines next to the bed.  Tyler took out his phone and set his alarm for hour from now.  He didn’t trust himself to wake up if Josh had another nightmare because he was so tired his brain would probably shut down the moment he fell asleep.  It was a bit doubtful that he’d even hear the alarm go off, but knowing how little Josh has slept the past days, he was probably just as tired. Setting the phone next to him on the table, Tyler closed his eyes and fell asleep only seconds later.

 

 

He woke up startled by a loud noise that definitely wasn’t his alarm.  It sounded more like metal hitting something solid, then followed by a thud and loud groan. It took a couple of minutes for Tyler to properly wake his tired brain up, but when it finally did, panic filled his veins as more groaning followed.  The singer jumped from his chair and the first thing that he noticed to his own shock was that Josh wasn’t in his bed.  The bed was empty and the room was dark, except for a light that was coming from the direction of the bathroom. That’s where the noises were coming from Tyler realized and bolted towards the opened door. When he reached the small bathroom he stopped in his tracks and gasped.

Josh was hurdled on the ground,  his right side pressed to the wall next to him, cradling his right hand tightly to his chest , face scrunched up in obvious pain. He was breathing fast and heavy, occasional groan or painful gasp leaving his throat as he tried to move, but failed miserably. His walking frame, the one they used during his physical therapy session was lying on the tiles right next to Josh’s shaking frame.

Tyler gaped at the scene for a couple of seconds before stammering

 “ Josh ?!” it came  out louder than he intended and he noticed how Josh’s entire body jumped and pressed itself against the wall.  “What the hell are you doing ?” Tyler was angry and scared , his voice was shaking as it came out of his mouth squeakier than usual

Josh was shaking harder now as his body slid further down the wall until he was sitting on the ground still cradling his bandaged right arm. He looked up at Tyler with sad and frightened eyes and the younger man instantly softened.

“Oh my god, Josh what are you doing ? Why are you not in bed ?? “ Tyler crouched down next to Josh who flinched and looked down

“Sorry, Ty” he said quietly “ I just wanted to get to the bathroom “

“ But.. but why ? And why didn’t you wake me up ? You could’ve hurt yourself “ it still came out louder than usual, but Tyler was still too upset to control his own voice or emotions.

“ Sorry “ Josh almost whispered and looked up with pained expression “ You just fell asleep, I didn’t want to wake you” his voice was still rough and raspy after the surgery , but Tyler couldn’t help but melt at the sound of his friend speaking

“ Oh God, you scared me, Josh. Don’t  ever do that again okay ?

“Sorry” Josh said again and his voice broke this time as two tears made their way down his cheeks.

At the sight of his friend crying on the ground Tyler felt his anger melt away completely, being replaced by endless and devastating grief .

“ Josh, God I’m so sorry” he inched closer to Josh and put his hands on the other’s knees. “ I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have screamed at you” he felt like crying himself, but kept his tears at bay, knowing that if he started crying now there will be no stopping for hours.

Tyler moved slowly, until he was right next to Josh on the ground and wrapped his arm around the drummer’s shoulders. Josh instantly leaned into the touch and closed his eyes, more tears sliding down his face.

“Are you hurt ? Did you hurt yourself when you fell ? “ he tried to keep the panic out of his voice, but just imagining Josh falling in his condition made him sick with worry.

“ My arm, I hit it on the sink and it hurts like hell” looking down at his feet Josh added “ And my feet … I don’t think I can stand, they hurt too much” Rubbing his face with his left hand he looked up at Tyler apologetically “ I’m sorry, Ty. I didn’t meant to scare you”

Tyler hugged him tighter and breathe out long and hard through his nose. He really was scared, more than he’d dare to admit. But scaring Josh the way he did wasn’t a good move and he knew it

“ It’s alright J, it’s fine. Just wake me up next time all right ? “ he felt Josh nod into his shoulder where he had his head buried. “ Why did you get up anyway ? “ it’s not like Josh needed to use the bathroom these days, there were all sorts of tubes that did the trick for him while he was “tied” to his bed.

“ I…” Josh started, but hiccupped and let a sob out, pressing his left hand to his face to hide the tears

“ It’s okay, it’s fine, J.  You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to” but Josh shook his head and sniffled

“ I … I wanted to look … “ his voice was quiet, but the last bit came out so quiet Tyler had to stop breathing in order to hear him “ … at myself in the mirror “ Tyler heard his own sharp intake of breath as the information sunk in. Josh hasn’t seen himself in the mirror for almost an entire year, probably forgetting how his face looked like. And seeing himself the way he was now must’ve been like a slap to the face. Tyler shook his head and felt pain stabbing him in his throat, his heart, his lungs, his every cell was ignited by it. 

Josh was shaking harder now and Tyler realized that he barely had any clothes on, except for a pajama bottoms.  He slowly unwind Josh from himself, earning him another series of pained gasps and hisses and also a scared look from his wet eyes. He hurried to reassure

“ Hey it’s okay, I’m just going to grab a blanket and help you back to bed okay ?  Just stay here , I’ll be back in a second“ Josh nodded and curled up against the wall obediently.

Tyler stood up and took a deep breath, trying to steady himself. Seeing Josh like this was harder than anything else in the world. It looked like things were getting better and Josh was healing, but the unmerciful truth was that the damage underneath all the layers of strength and will Josh has been showing during his recovery was probably beyond repair.

Tyler made his way to the bed as fast as he could on his unsteady legs and grabbed the extra blanket, carrying it back once again as fast as he could. Josh was still curled up on the ground, his right hand pressed close to his chest and Tyler could see blood seeping through the bandage which made his worry spike up. He draped the blanked around Josh’s body leaned in close and pulled Josh’s good arm around his shoulder.

“Hold on to me tight, all right ? I’m going to carry you to the bed, you can’t walk like this” Josh did what he was told and Tyler lifted him off the ground with barely any effort. He was so light it made Tyler’s stomach clench painfully while he carried his friend towards the bed.

After Josh was situated among the pillows and blankets he grabbed Tyler’s hand when the younger man was about to turn away

“ I’m sorry I scared you, Ty “ Josh sounded so guilty it made Tyler feel another wave of regret for screaming at him earlier. He could’ve handled the situation better.  “ I just hate how dependent I am on everyone…  I-I-just wanted to do something by myself and I thought  I c-could handle it, but … “ Josh looked down defeated. Hell he must’ve _felt_ defeated right now, after he couldn’t even take the five steps towards the bathroom on his own.

“I’m not mad at you. I swear, Josh, I’m not. I got scared that you’ve hurt yourself , but of course I’m not angry at you and you don’t have to apologize. “ he sat down next to Josh and took his arm in his own. “We’ll figure this out. Together, we’ll find a way to make things better. “ Josh simply nodded. He didn’t look very convinced, but seemed to relax a little.

It was in the middle of the night so Josh was strongly against bothering Jess with re-bandaging his hand, but Tyler was solid. It was bleeding and needed the nurse’s attention. So Jess was there a couple of minutes later, supplied with bandages, pills and other stuff in her lap.  She didn’t ask what happened, because Josh looked upset and that was a clear sign not to bother him with questions. She’ll probably ask Tyler later, when they are alone.  Jess was as careful as possible, unwrapping the bloodied bandage from the drummer’s arm and revealing a painful looking sight.  When she grabbed the pain-numbing spray and proceeded to apply it over the worst of the damage Josh shuddered and let out a groan between his teeth. 

“Sorry” he apologized when his hand instinctively was drawn back and away from the painful sensation, but Jess just smiled and squeezed his fingers briefly

“It’s okay, dear, no need to apologize”

“It just hurts a lot” Josh was still apologizing, despite her reassurance

“I know , but you’re doing really great. I won’t use anti-septic cream right now , because it will sting and cause you more discomfort, so we’ll do it in the morning.  This spray will numb the pain and we’ll leave the wound to breathe until then, alright? “ Josh smiled, genuine and warm and nodded

“Thank you, Jess” this made her blush for some reason as she smiled back at him

“You are very welcome, darling” she patted his wrist and stood up from his bed

“Yeah thanks, Jess. You’re the best” Tyler joined, smiling too. She put her hand on his shoulder and shot him a sympathetic smile before leaving.

“I think she likes you” Tyler said teasingly and smiled when Josh blushed

“ Yeah right. I’m probably real charming with my skeletal looking face and mutilated body”  Josh said it with a light voice, but it still sounded too bitter to be a joke.

“Hey” Tyler grabbed his good hand, glad that Josh didn’t flinch “Your face is fine. Plus, did you see how she blushed when you called her by her name? I’m sure she totally digs you “Josh chuckled, at the “digs” part, but his face went serious a couple of seconds later when he looked up at Tyler.

“Can you dye my hair?” It was something Tyler didn’t see coming, but probably should have, especially after Josh has seen himself in the mirror and probably didn’t like what he saw too much. He never kept his hair at its natural color and dyed it pretty much every month, but now the lack of color was probably reminding him of how much he and his life changed.

“Sure. What color do you want to have it this time?” Tyler would do absolutely anything right now just to make Josh feel better

“I dunno. Why don’t you choose it ?

“ Like the good old days huh ? “ he thought about it for a moment, but decided to leave this important choice for the morning, when he could actually think straight.

“Yeah, exactly” Josh agreed and looked content, relaxing his head against the pillow.

Tyler combed his fingers through the drummer’s curls and tugged lightly, playing with them

“I can also give you a haircut if you want. Although I think your curls are super cute” Josh just hummed softly, probably half asleep already. Tyler leaned down and kissed his forehead.

“Night, J”

“Night Ty” Josh mumbled back

 Sleeping was not an option after the bathroom incident so he relaxed back in his chair and tried not to think about the future and what it held for the two of them. Whatever it was he definitely wasn’t ready for it.

 

 

****

 

_It was one of the bad days. Not that Josh had any good days since he got kidnapped and locked up in a tiny foul smelling cell, but he’d learned soon enough that things could always get worse for him. Something must’ve gone wrong that day, Josh thought, because it was a rare occurrence that one of their own people was punished or publically executed.  Josh had spent the day outside, in the blistering heat, tied up to a metal pole with absolutely nowhere to hide from the burning sun. It was even worse than being locked in the freezing cell, because the cold was tolerable since Josh got used to it already. But this … this was worse than the cold and the smell and the darkness of his prison. At first he was just really hot, sweating from the heat of the sun. As time went by Josh could feel his skin getting raw and painful and the sun’s burning touch was getting more and more unbearable on his red and blistered skin. In the late afternoon it got so bad he thought his skin was going to melt off his bones and into the send. He couldn’t lie down or sit, every inch of his body was raw and painful and **burning.** Time went by slowly, with nothing to do or take his mind off the heat and the awful burning-hot pain , Josh felt like he’d spent eternity under the sun’s punishing heat._

_But being outside gave him a chance to see something he hasn’t seen before – terrorists, from the group that was keeping him locked were being shot on the main plaza. The commotion began in late afternoon when the big square got filled with people and the punishing began. They weren’t just killing their people, no. They tortured them first, beat them with whips and ropes, cut their fingers and pulled their nails out.  Josh was shocked, because why on earth would they torture their own soldiers? It was naïve of Josh to think that these brutal people easily forgive mistakes, even if they were made by their own people. It was quite the opposite as it turned out, when Josh overheard their leader’s speech, narrating that showing mercy to the enemy is the worst betrayal and being weak at the face of death was worse than death itself. These soldiers must’ve showed some sort of weakness and probably failed to carry out a mission and now they were going to pay with their lives._

_Josh was trying to convince himself that he didn’t feel bad for the tortured soldiers. Hell they’ve done worse to him and never felt a twinge of sympathy or pity. They killed and raped and tortured without as much as a blink of an eye. But as he lay on the sand under the relentless burn of the sun his heart hurt every time he heard the cries of pain coming from the plaza. Maybe because he knew exactly what they felt, exactly how much it hurt and couldn’t help but feel pity for them. Nobody deserved this happening to them.  Josh didn’t believe in “eye for an eye” and never craved revenge for a harm that was done to him. It was probably foolish, to forgive people their misdeeds and give them a second chance when most of the time they wasted it completely. But it’s who Josh was, and the fact that the people who were screaming in agony were bad didn’t help him bear the awful sounds better._

_Josh couldn’t really see much from where he was tied up, because the pole was situated at the back of the camp, far away from the main part, but he could see a line of chained up people being led towards the underground dungeons which made his skin crawl and heart beat fast with fear and sadness. Those people were most likely kidnapped like him, being lead towards their prison where they will share his faith of being tortured every day. There was no escape from that particular faith, when even killing themselves wasn’t possible, Josh learned that too. After spending countless nights and days holding on to hope of being rescued and going home, the torture only got worse and his desire to die grew bigger until he’d spend hours planning on how to end it all with nothing but his bare hands. It was calming sometimes, thinking of dying and taking that away from his captors. They took away his freedom and pretty much everything they could take away, along with his pride and self-respect, but at least he could choose how to die and when._

_He actually tried to refuse any food or water in a desperate attempt to die from dehydration or starvation, but this only made things worse. His captors must’ve caught up on what he was trying to do and  force-fed him through a tube in his nose that went all the way down to his stomach. It was painful and degrading and turned out to be just another way they could torture him, so he stopped refusing food and was forced to beg them to feed him with normal food again._

_Right now Josh was thirsty, hot and in agony. His skin hurt like it has been burned with fire and wherever it made contact with the hot sand was hurting even worse.  Currently he was on all fours hands fisted and knees digging into the sand. Both his front and back were badly burned so he couldnt lie down and his normally pale legs were especially blistered so he couldnt sit either. Josh never thought he would ever wish to go back to his little prison, but right now the prospect of laying out his burning skin on the cold floor  sounded like heaven._

_The punishments were carried  by out  by sunset and Josh has managed to count 18 shots, echoing in the hot desert air. A little while after, two guards came towards him and roughly hauled him to his feet. Josh hissed in pain when their hands contacted his burned skin and knew better then to resist them. He was then unchained from the pole and taken to his cell where one of the guards took out a thin, but solid looking stick and hit Josh across the back with it. He screamed. The pain was absolutely unbearable , lighting up his nerves wherever the stick impacted with inflamed skin. Soon his screams and cries filled the dungeon and every little cell of his being was dying from the pain. The assault continued until Josh was on the ground and then someone was kicking him, solid and rough rubber boots bruising wherever they could reach.  It all stopped all of a sudden and Josh, being lead purely by his instincts crawled towards the further corner of the room and curled in on himself._

_He was dozing off, exhausted beyond words  by the beating and the pain all over his skin when something hit him so hard his entire body was shoved against the wall.  It must've been water, because in a matter of seconds Josh was soaking wet and absolutely freezing. The stream was so strong it was beating down on his skin with bruising force , pushing painfully on wounds and burnes and made him gasp and scream again. The freezing water was forcing his lungs to close in on themselves from the shock and Josh couldnt breathe at all, spluttering and coughing weakly  on the ground._

_The water flow stopped a couple of minutes later and Josh fell exhausted on the freezing and now wet ground. To his relief he heard the boots leave and the door of his cell click closed.  He let himself slump down to the cold ground moaning in pain when his burned skin rubbed against the rough texture of the wall. Now he was freezing even more than before, because of the high temperature of his skin being in stark contrast with the freezing ground.  He laid there for a couple of minutes before his brain cought up on the fact that he has just been sprayed with actual water and he was very very thirsty._

_Josh was desperate enough to try and lick the water off the ground so he weakly lowered himself down so that his chest was touching the floor and crawled out of the corner, looking for a hole in the ground that might've caught some of the water.  He had to crawl all the way to the cell door where some of the water formed a tiny puddle._

_It felt pathetic and degrading, to lick dirty water from the ground like that, but the thirst was too strong and lasted for too long . Slowly Josh lowered his face to the water and first wet his chapped and dry lips , followed by his tongue. It was cold and hell it was water and that's all Josh cared about right now, ignoring the bad taste and smell._

_It felt absolutely amazing to wet his dry mouth and throat again so Josh drank for as long as he could until the small puddle no longer contained watter. He licked some of the water around and when he finished and raised his head off the ground he saw someone move weakly in the cell opposite to him. Josh froze and stared at the figure that lied  on the ground in the dimm light. He couldnt make out whether it was a man or a woman, but they were moving so they must've been still alive. Josh put his hands on the cell bars and got as close to them as he could. If he reached out with his hand he could probably be half way from touching the other cell's bars._

_" Hey" Josh whispered, hoping there were no guards around to hear him. "Hey, can you hear me "? The other person didnt react for a second, but then moved again , getting closer to the bars as well_

_" Hey" a female voice greeted Josh and sadness filled his insides. They've captured another woman , which usually meant raping her until she coulnt take any more and died from her wound. For some girls it took a day or two, but stronger women have lasted weeks. Josh wanted to throw up._

_"What's your name ?" He asked her with the same hushed tone_

_"Leylia " she answered with shaking voice_

_"I'm Josh. You have a beautiful name "  he really did mean it. It sounded beautiful, like a bird song or a flower smell._

_" Thank you" she said quietly and moved even closer to the bars where Josh could finally see her._

_She was in her late twenties or early thirties, with gorgeous long black hair and big eyes that looked just as black as her hair.  It was difficult to tell what color her skin was but she deffinetily looked like she was from an eastern country.  Lowering his gaze Josh noticed something that made his stomach turn upside down. Around her neck , she still had a pass hanging that said PRESS. She must be a reporter Josh thought sadly, coming here to do her job. It was sickening how many innocent people found their death here, just because the were doing their job or had different beliefs than the terrorists._

_" How did you end up here? " Josh asked, wanting to know more about his new prisonmate._

_" I was covering the humanitarian crisis in South-eastern Syria. A fight broke out and me and my colegues ended up in the middle of it. Most of them are dead" her voice broke at dead and Josh knew exactly how she felt, probably forced to see her friends get killed in front of her, just like he was. " The ones who made it are here, but I havent seen them since we were brought" she spoke English very well and Josh was endlessly grateful for that. He hasn't had anyone to talk to for months. This felt like blessing from heaven.  " How about you Josh ?"_

_" I was on humanitarian mission.... Our convoy got ambushed on our way to a shelter that needed supplies. Just like you I lost most of my friends there, they killed most of them " Josh felt like something was stuck in his throat and blocked him from breathing. The memory was still fresh, still too painful and raw in his mind._

_" Im sorry" he heard her say and the tears came, unwanted and bitter_

_" Yeah" Josh rasped out " Me too "_

_They talked for a while and for the first time in what felt like ethernity Josh didnt feel like a chained up animal. He was a human being who interacted with another human being and it felt absolutely amazing. Leylia was inteligent and smart woman and talking to her was an absolute blessing. He liked her, on a human being level and that was dangerous, Josh knew. Everyone who came here was doomed to suffer and then die, sooner or later. It wasnt smart getting attatched to another prisioner because that will make their suffering even more intolerable. Josh knew it, but still , he talked to Leylia as much as he could and soaked in her presence._

_They took her from her cell every day. Dragged her out by her legs while she kicked and screamed. She always fought, always resisted and Josh honestly admired her spirit. After they brought her back, hours ago  Josh always spoke to her, even though she wasnt always responding. He'd make sure she didnt feel alone and did his best to take her mind off the horror they were both going through.  She did the same for him when he was dragged out and brought to the other terrorists to torture , beat and rape him, whenever they threw him back to his cell she was there, talking, soothing._

_And for a fleeting moment Josh actually thought his existence might be bearable, that he might actually make it through this hell without losing his mind,  having someone there for him when he needed it most. But it was so wrong of him to have hope, so naive and foolish._

_The terrorists must've noticed their interactions , they probably heard them talk to each other, because one day when Leylia was thrown back to her cell she didnt say a word. She stopped talking to Josh and he couldnt understand why, why would she do that when it was the one thing that kept both of them sane ? When it downed on him what the terrorists have done Josh cried, he cried like a little kid , for hours and hours. It was his fault, he should've been more careful and smart, he shouldn't have let the terrorists notice their friendship , because now ..... now he had no one to talk to and Leylia will never talk to anyone ever again._

_Josh still spent hours sitting as close as he could to the bars, trying to show Leylia he was still there. She cling to her bars too, longing for closeness with another human being as much as Josh did.  They found comfort in each other, even though it was wordless, but the guards caught up on that too._

_One day they stopped dragging Leylia out if her cell and raped her right there a few feet away from Josh. It was unbearable, hearing her scream and  trash, seeing her bleed and then hearing her cry. They did it on purpose, to punish him and show him that  there was no hope for him, no escape. The guilt was making it hard to breathe, it was too unbearable , too painful. Josh has apologised to Leylia a hundred times, for letting this happen to her, for not being able to help, but was met with silence.  It was unbearable._

_They did to Josh exactly what they've done to Leylia , when 3 guards walked into his cell, forced him to the ground and all three of them raped him. On his knees, his legs were kicked apart roughly with boots, hands forced behind his back and face scraping painfully on the concrete floor. Josh was doing his best not to scream or beg, but with every passing second the pain got worse until it was absolutely unbearable  It went on for a couple of hours, everyone taking their turn until he was bleeding and crying on the ground, feeling humiliated and so dirty. His entire body was hurting, every little nerve set on fire by the brutal assult. Josh thought he won’t survive the night. Honestly, he didnt want to._

_Then something happened and Josh thought he was halucinating or dreaming, because he couldnt be seeing that for real. A shadow of a butterfly was dancing on the wall in front of him , clapping its wings and flying up and down. It was so surreal , so beautiful and innocent Josh wanted to reach out and touch it. The butterfly turned to a dove and the dove flew freely on the wall , making Josh smile. The bird 's shadow  kept him company until he passed out, but seconds before closing his eyes he saw the dove morphing into fingers that untangled from each other. He wasnt alone._

_The dancing shadows was another way of communication between the two prisioners, even though Leylia was the one creating the beautiful figures with her delicate fingers. One day it was a bird, the next day a rabit and the next one a kitten. It was beautiful and touching and more than Josh would ever ask for, but he was constantly scared that their captors will figure it out one day and break her fingers or even kill her. Being happy or content was a big mistake here in their prison and the punishment was always cruel.  The young woman has already lost her tongue because she spoke and gave someone comfort and hope. Her hands were the last thing she could use to reach out and show her support. Until one day._

_Josh laughed. The sound has made its way out of his mouth and it felt so foreign it shocked him into silence. He hasnt laughed for months, but Leylia was doing something funny with her fingers on the wall, laughing herself. She was standing on her tiptoes, reaching in front of the light bulb and played with the shadows, making both of them giggle. It was unforgivable mistake._

_Leylia was dragged out of her cell later that evening and wasnt back the entire night or the next day. Josh was beginning to think that they have executed her and he'll never see her again. But he waited.  The wall was so empty without her. Two days later they dragged her back and she was sobbing , covered in blood and completely terrified. Josh crawled towards the bars and sat as close to them as pissible, hoping he could see his friend  and figure out what was wrong. God he wished he didnt._

_The blood, and there was A LOT of it was coming from her bandaged hands. Dread once again filled his veins with pison and Josh prayed that it wasn’t what it looked like._

_But of course it was and Josh let out a helpless sob and then another, and another until he couldnt breathe. Leylia was sitting shocked and disoriented on the ground staring at her two lumps where her fingers once were. Both hands were severed , leaving her with painful bloody emptiness and cut off bones. No more shadows thought Josh through the choking sobs. It felt like he will never feel happiness again. His heart couldn’t take the pain, it was breaking, bursting, exploding. Everything was his fault, his fault, only his._

_He called for Leylia after that, but she never acknowledged him. She stared at her hands or at the wall, refused to eat or drink and just kept staring. Taking away her hands has broken her and as much as Josh hated to admit it has broken him too. He didnt want to fight anymore, he didnt want to live anymore either. The wall was so empty without the dancing shadows , it was mocking him and reminding him what he has done, what his foolish hoping has done._

_Josh was tired, hurting and starving in his cell when he heard whimpering from the opposite side. He knew it was Leylia and she was probably dying. Her wounds were infected and she hasnt eaten anything in a week.  Josh wanted to show her she wasn’t alone, so he stood up, gritting his teeth through the excutiating pain radiating through his body and raised his hands to the lonely lightbulb handing from the ceiling. He had no clue what he was doing, but it didnt really matter. Shadows appeared on the wall of Leylia's cell and  Josh smiled, moving his fingers and forming all kinds of strange figures. They didnt really look like any of the animals Leylia has managed to create, but they were alive and dancing and soothing._

_Josh got so cought up in his little fare well he missed the sounds of boots nearing his cell. One moment he was standing in the middle of the room and the next one he was on his hands and knees, hits and kicks raining down on him from every direction. The guards were angry and for some reason that made Josh feel a little bit victorious. It was a brief feeling of course, erased by the painful blows on his burned skin and the fear of what’s to come that was drowning him. Feeling lightheaded and dizzy, Josh was lead out of his cell and into another one, with a metal table standing in the middle of it. His hands were tied in front of him to the table, fingers splayed out on the freezing metal. It downed on him, what was about to happen and how inevitable it was and suddenly he was so terrified his body went numb. If they took his hands away he will never be able to hold drumsticks again. It was a ridiculous thought, considering the circumstances, but it brought a new wave of fear and his self-defense instincts kicked in._

_“Please, please not my hands “Josh was pulling on his chains, trying to free his hands from the metal bounds, but it was no use. “ Please” he was crying now, because God he needed his hands, he needed his drums, he was no good without them. One of the guards was holding a heavy looking metal rod and he was smiling, looking satisfied with the drummer’s reaction. He dragged the rod over the metal table, making Josh shiver with fear and more tears made their way down his cheeks._

_A blindfold was slipped on his eyes which made his panic flare up, because now he couldn’t even see it coming, he couldn’t prepare himself for the blow. It was terrifying and Josh was shaking so hard he could hear his own teeth clatter. “ P-please” the word came out shaky and quiet and was met by laughter.  A second later something hit the table millimeters from his fingers, electing a loud BANG and Josh screamed out from the pure terror. He was so helpless, so desperate and scared of the inevitable, begging felt like the only thing he could do right now.  “Please, please I’m begging you, please not my hands, please … “ his voice was shaking so hard he could barely understand what he was saying, but the guards didn’t seem phased by the man’s desperate pleading. The next swing of the rode whistled through the air and the moment it hit his hands Josh heard his bones crack, followed by his own ear piercing scream. His body went into shock and he could feel himself shake uncontrollably and then throw up all over the table in front of him and on himself. The pain was mind-numbing and Josh felt detached from his body, like he was looking at what was happening from aside. His unresponsive body was unstrapped from the table and dragged back to his cell and thrown roughly on the ground.  Josh threw up more until there was nothing left to throw up and just heaved on the ground, unable to take a proper breath. The guards didn’t let up though. They wanted to make sure that the lesson was learned and sunk into Josh’s mind. He can’t ever be happy again. He should never ever dare hope again. Everything beautiful in his life will turn into death and pain. By the end of the night Josh was barely alive, barely breathing and utterly hopeless.  He was as empty as the walls of his cell, everything he ever felt, every little twinge of hope evaporated. It was gone. **He** was gone._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this was okay. It will mean a lot to know what you think, so please don't be shy and leave a comment below. The next chapter should be posted middle-week at some point, if I don't get too sick again.


	24. On my enemies I wouldn’t wish who I was

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jenna and Tyler finally get to talk things through and Josh asks Tyler for help

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys :) So this chapter was planned to be longer and should've been uploaded on Monday, but I decided to post it today as it is right now, because I didin't want to keep you guys waiting too long :) The next one should come soon, hopefully before Tuesday when I'm getting admitted to the hospital and probably won't be able to write for at least one weak :( But on the brighter note you should get two chapters whithin three days weeee :)))
> 
> As usual, thank you to each and every one who took the time of their day to write a comment here and let me know how they feel about this story. You are all amazing and I thank you from the bottom of my heart <3

Tyler was scrabbling down notes and words into his journal while sitting next to Josh’s bed in the dimmed hospital room.  Emotions were battling constantly in his heart as anger, grief, happiness, sadness, disappointment and hope would all come in waves and then leave, taking away his sleep and his peace.  His fingers itched to hold a pen and _write write **writ** e_ all of it out until his hands bled and his mind was numb. Tyler missed his piano; the melodies produced by it were sometimes the only sounds that made sense to him, the only thing that kept him grounded and sane. Now all he had was this journal, the four white hospital walls and the constant fear. He wasn’t even sure what he was afraid of;  it was probably the fear of the unknown, of what will happen to Josh from now on, what will happen to the band, to his life , to his marriage … God he had no clue.

Jenna was patient and so caring, showing support and love only an amazingly kind and generous person like her could. She was there for Josh and his family, always doing whatever she could to help. It was no secret that Josh was like a brother to her and they both got along so perfectly Tyler almost found it hard to believe.

But he and Jenna never really talked about what were they doing and what was going on between them. In the rush of things, they have both silently decided that helping Josh get better with everything they had was more important than their complicated relationship and where it was going.  Jenna would hug Tyler a lot and he had accepted it with open arms and even more opened heart, but they never kissed or went further than holding hands or hugging.  It was weighting on Tyler, the underlying tension was something unusual between them since they have always went along perfectly, right from beginning.  Deep down Tyler knew that if it wasn’t for her , he’d crumble down and scatter like a pile dust in the wind. She held him while he cried and cried, for hours on end, outside of the hospital room or in one of the many doctor’s offices he found himself sitting in.  Tyler was doing his best to stay strong for Josh and not break down in front of him and add to his already heavy burden of guilt; he was doing a relatively good job except for the times when the pain was too much and holding back his tears would require inhuman self-control he didn’t possess.  Jenna’s shoulder was always there though and Tyler cried on it whenever his wall of confidence and strength crumbled down.  Jenna was there and she was so perfect Tyler sometimes wondered what in the world has he done to deserve a woman like her in his life.

Tyler needed to talk to his wife and clear things up. He was actually planning on taking her out on dinner, because obviously both of them could use some time to themselves and out of the hospital where they literally moved in to live since Josh was admitted months ago.  Ashley was going to stay with Josh for the evening, it was only going to be a couple of hours, really, but Tyler felt Josh’s nerves from where he was lying on the bed.   Tyler was nervous himself, because leaving Josh alone would mean spending the next couple of hours worrying himself out of his mind and wondering how his best friend was doing, whether he was in pain and felt alone, or maybe he was having another terrible nightmare he couldn’t wake up from. 

But Tyler wasn’t doing this for himself, no, he was taking Jenna out because she deserved a break as well and also deserved an explanation and apology from Tyler’s side. He’d made such a mess of their lives and marriage, hurt her more times than he could count and couldn’t even apologize properly since she decided to come and help Tyler out.  As much as he didn’t want to leave Josh at the hospital Jenna meant the world to him and he had to make it right, or at least try to. He didn’t expect her to take him back with open arms or forgive him for all of the mistakes he’s made and forget the past year ever happened. He wasn’t stupid enough to hope for that. But he did hope that she will listen to what he had to say and try to understand why Tyler was such a mess. Losing Josh was like losing a huge part of himself; it brought guilt and pain , both directed towards himself, but collateral damage was impossible to avoid. In the chaos of his self-hatred and regret he’d hurt a lot of people who cared about him and Jenna was the one who took most of the damage.

Sighting, Tyler flipped the page of his journal  with frustration and it probably came out a bit more violent than intended , because Josh literally jumped at his spot in the bed, followed by a sharp intake of breath and a pained groan.  Tyler immediately put down the notebook and turned to the bed, ready to apologize and felt his heart break into tiny little pieces at the terrified look in his friend’s eyes.  Josh was staring right into Tyler’s eyes with his warm and kind ones, but the fear clearly written in them was making the singer’s blood boil and heart shatter. He still couldn’t get used to seeing his best friend in pain or shaking with fear which would happen way too often these days.  He reached out to touch the lying man’s arm and Josh flinched at the touch. Ouch.

“Hey, J, did I wake you up ?” Tyler was trying to keep his voice steady and not show how upset he was at the drummer’s reaction. Josh kept looking at him with slightly wet eyes and nodded. His hands were shaking in his lap and he looked obviously nervous and edgy. Tyler felt anxiety bubbling up  in his chest at the sight and swallowed thickly.  He wanted to ask Josh what was wrong , to get him to talk , but at the same time he knew that pushing the frightened man wasn’t a good idea and he didn’t want to make him feel even more nervous than he already was. 

It was clear that Josh wanted to say something, but couldn’t bring himself to. He kept fidgeting with the edge of his blanket and his eyes glanced up at Tyler and then darted back to his lap multiple times.  Biting his lower lip, Josh looked like a scared child, his huge brown eyes full of unshed tears and unspoken sorrow , making his pale and thin face look almost haunting.  Tyler squeezed the handles of the chair he was sitting in, desperately trying to keep his tears at bay. Josh didn’t need to see him break down right now, he needed his friend’s strength and comfort instead. 

Josh looked up at Tyler again and his mouth opened, but nothing came out.

“ J ? “ Tyler couldn’t stand looking at his best friend like this anymore. There was obviously something bothering him , something unspoken and probably painful. “ Do you want to tell me something ?” Josh looked up  and nodded “If you don’t feel like talking I can give you something to write on “ Tyler suggested and  Josh looked up again, guilt painting his features and lighting up his face “ It’s okay if you don’t want to talk, I don’t mind .” Tyler remembered what Pratt told him once,  during one of their meetings after Josh was hospitalized.  They spoke about the consequences of the torture Josh has endured and having difficulty speaking about it was one of the things Pratt has warned him about.

“ _Even when he gets his voice back Josh might experience difficulty or inability to speak on a psychological level. Many people with PTSD that went through something traumatizing adapt some sort of speech related disability and selective mutism is one of the most commonly encountered one.   Patients with SM do not choose to be silent in the situations in which they cannot speak. They genuinely cannot speak because attempting speech rouses too much anxiety._ _Selective Mutism is like having your voice trapped inside your own mind. It’s feeling as if your throat is physically locked when you’re put in a position in which you are expected to speak and want to speak, but can’t “_

The words rang in his head while he observed his best friend struggle to form words and failed miserably.  Since getting his voice back, Josh was speaking only with Tyler and his speech was shaky and adopted a stutter which was probably one of the main reasons he couldn’t bring himself to speak.  The drummer used to battle anxiety before the whole ordeal, so now, with the added trauma and stress he has endured it must be unbearable.  Tyler quickly whipped his eyes before the tears made an appearance and upset Josh even further.

“ You don’t have to talk if you don’t feel like doing it, alright ? Just go with your own pace, don’t rush things, okay ? “ Josh nodded, sniffling quietly  , but didn’t look up. Tyler walked to his bag , discarded on the ground and took out a clean sheet of paper and a pen. He brought them to Josh and put them down in front of him, smiling.

Josh smiled back, hesitantly and small, but it was enough to warm up Tyler’s entire body and soul, down to his very bones.  The warmth and softness in Josh’s smile held so much kindness and light , it was enough to bring back a dead person back to life. He scrabbled down with his shaking hands and Tyler felt another painful tug at his heart, seeing how the drummer’s  fingers were barely grasping the pen , reminding of all the times they have been broken and healed the wrong way. 

“ **I’m sorry Ty”** was the first thing Josh wrote and Tyler hurried to reassure him it was okay

“ Hey, I told you I don’t mind. I mean of course I want to talk to you, but what I want even more is for you to feel okay, to feel safe.  I don’t want you to push yourself into anything you don’t feel comfortable with okay ? “ Josh nodded , but still looked guilty as hell.

 **I was wondering if I could maybe ask you for a favor ? –** it took the drummer long to write this sentence because he kept pausing and thinking it over. The nervousness was showing through his messily scrabbled words

“Of course, yeah. What do you need ? “ Josh  bit the end of his pen and stared at the paper in front of him for a while.

 **Back in –** he stopped himself and bit his lip nervously **–back there –** Josh stopped writing again and closed his eyes. Tyler felt the air being sucked out of his lungs, replaced with bone chilling coldness. 

 **There were other people in there with me but I never really learned their names or stories. they were either too hurt to talk or didn’t speak english  -** Tyler held his breath in anticipation. It was the first time Josh ever talked about what it was like in _there._ **But there was this girl-** Josh stopped and took a deep breath, trying to steady his hand because it was shaking too much to write properly. Whatever happened to that girl,  it has wounded him deeply – **Her name was Leylia Bekir, she was turkish reporter and we ended up sharing opposite cells.** A couple of wet patches on the piece of paper were marking where Josh’s tears has landed and soaked the fresh ink.  Tyler was sitting quietly, afraid to make a sound or even _breathe,_ because Josh was sharing something very personal and very _very_ painful. – **She was one of the strongest people I knew and she helped me through –** shaky hand hovered above the white paper – **a lot. We both helped each other as much as we could. But she didn’t make it and –** another pause full of heavy breaths and shaking hands **– I was wondering if maybe we could look for her family and at least tell them what happened to her. They are probably still hoping she’s … alive and I don’t know. Maybe we could give them some sort of closure, some peace. –** Josh looked up and now Tyler could clearly see the pain in his eyes and the tears staining his cheeks.  He was speechless,  all  the words of comfort drying in his throat while his eyes scanned the messy letters over and over again.

Here Josh was – broken, tortured and struggling to stay alive and _sane_ but yet  so worried of other people’s comfort and happiness.  Josh has always been selfless and caring and despite all of the suffering that hasn’t changed.  Kindness was rooted so deep within Josh’s bones it was an inseparable part of him, like the air in his lungs and the blood in his veins.

Tyler realized that Josh was actually expecting an answer from him and smiled warmly at his friend who grew more and more nervous.

“ You never seize to amaze me, J” he said and he really meant it “ I honestly admire your will to help people, still, after everything “ Tyler shook his head and smiled and the slight blush that crept on Josh’s cheeks.  “ Of course I’ll help , Josh, I’ll do everything in my power to find these people for you.

“Thanks” Josh whispered and more tears slid down his face and that did it for Tyler. He raised himself from the chair and moved to the bed, wrapping Josh’s thin frame in a warm embrace, putting everything he was feeling into it.  And he was feeling **a lot.** Mostly though, it was love and admiration towards the man in his arms that was clouding all of the variations of pain stabbing him every time he saw Josh cry.

The drummer returned the hug, desperately holding onto Tyler’s shirt and pressing his face to his chest, once again overwhelmed by emotions he couldn’t suppress.  It must’ve been a painful , to experience what they were put through again, even if it was just in his memories this time.

“ Shhh, it’s okay Josh, I know it hurts, but it’s over now. You’re going to be okay “ Josh was full on crying now and shaking his head

“It’s never over” the drummer muttered in between choking sobs “ It never stops, Ty”

“ I know, I know” there wasn’t much he could do to calm Josh besides hugging him tight and telling him things will get better.  Better was of course too optimistic of a word. Tyler would rather use terms  like “more bearable” or “ not as painful”.

“She- will –never- be- okay” every word was interrupted by a sob, making Josh’s speech barely understandable. “ It-s-it-s my f-fault “ the curly haired man stuttered and cried even harder, curling in on himself. Tyler was holding him as best as he could, but the way his body shook and twisted it was difficult to keep him steady without hurting his ribs or shoulders.

It must’ve been absolute hell seeing someone suffer so close him with no ability to help  and Tyler was guessing that knowing her name and talking to her was making things even harder.  Josh’s heart was too kind for this sort of abuse, his soul too deeply soaked in kindness to be the same after it’s all done. 

 

 

 

_A barely audible hum was coming from the cell opposite to him and Josh held on to the soft sound and let it sooth his terror-filled mind.  It sounded like a lullaby, like something that didn’t belong to the freezing and blood stained prison he was stuck in._

_Josh could feel fresh track of blood sliding down his tights and into the ground below, pooling into a small puddle underneath him. There was a lot of caked blood on his ass and inner tights, reminding of the damage done to his body just a little while ago. His ribs were screaming with every little movement, every time he attempted to draw a breath, it came in painful and wheezing.  Living in his own body these days was a small hell. But the melody rang in his ears and made him smile despite the pain and the still lingering taste of fear and disgust of what was done to him._

_“Hey Leylia ” Josh whispered and the singing seized “ What are you singing ?”_

_“ It’s a song my mom used to sing me before I fell asleep” the mention of her mom brought a fresh wave of pain behind Josh’s closed eyelids._

_“ It sounds beautiful” it did. It made absolute contrast with the place they were in “ I miss my mom” Josh admitted and had to swallow back tears at the thought of his parents back home._

_“Me too” Leylia said and the tears were evident in her voice as well_

_“ My mom used to sing me to sleep too, when I was little. But you’re definitely a better singer then her” Josh joked and heard a giggle from the opposite cell, smiling to himself._

_“I haven’t sung in a long while. But before I became reporter I used to sing in a folklore group back in school. “ her voice was shaking and Josh assumed she was tortured too after they dragged him out of his cell_

_“Maybe one day, when we get out of here “ Josh said with a cheerful voice, but didn’t believe a single one of the words that left his mouth “ I will take you in our band as a back vocal or something”_

_“ Is your band any good ?” She asked playfully_

_“ Yeah, it’s the best” and this time he was serious. His band **was** the best band in the world and he always believed that, even years back when nobody knew who they were. _

_Leylia hummed for an answer, probably too exhausted or hurt to talk._

_“Could you sing me some more ? Please ?“ Josh closed his eyes and battled the bitter tears that burned his eyes, brought by the memories of his family, his band, his life. It was all gone. Now all he had was this. The freezing ground beneath his limp body, the fear of living that replaced the old fear of dying and the endless, never seizing pain. And the song. Leylia resumed singing the soft little tune, her voice echoing through the empty walls and engulfing Josh in softness and warmth. He needed so little to feel human again, it was a simple gesture and for somebody else, somewhere else wouldn’t mean anything at all. But to him it was everything._

Tyler cuddled Josh in his hospital bed, wrapping him up in a warm embrace that lulled the drummer into sleep after the emotional episode he had earlier. Tyler has actually given up on his plans of going out with Jenna after the breakdown, because he was a good friend and wouldn’t leave Josh alone when he was so upset and overcome with guilt.  But now the brunette was sleeping in his arms, his chest rising and falling rather slowly, indicating that he wasn’t having another nightmare or panic attack.  Jenna came by earlier to get Tyler, but upon seeing the state Josh was in she told Tyler it’s okay and she’ll wait. He was grateful for that , but he also didn’t miss the slight disappointment in her eyes when she left.  She was probably hoping to go out and spend some time alone with him as much as Tyler did, which gave him a tiny twinge of hope that maybe she has forgiven him.

A soft knock on the door made Tyler raise his head from where it was lying on Josh’s pillow and saw Ashley, one of Josh’s younger sisters stand in the door way. She looked excited to see her brother, but also nervous, which of course was understandable.  She stood there for a moment and waved at Tyler , who signaled her to come in and she did. The singer slowly and carefully untangled his hands from where they were resting on Josh’s middle and climbed out of the bed.  He went forward and they hugged,  Ashley squeezing him tight to show him how grateful she was for all the care and support he was providing to her brother.

“ Hey” he softly greeted her when they separated

“ Hello Ty” she said back and took a couple of careful steps towards the bed where her brother was sleeping quietly.  “ How is he doing today ? “ tricky question Tyler thought as he watched Ashley sit on Josh’s bed.

“ He’s struggling “ she deserved honesty. There was no point in sugarcoating the situation. “ It’s been really difficult for him. “

“Yeah , God I can’t even begin to imagine” she was gently petting his healthy hand. The other one was once again bandaged, the healing process taking way too long which bothered the doctors as much as it did Tyler. “ Did he talk to you at all? “

“ Yeah and he ended up having a mental breakdown “ that was one way to put it, Tyler thought to himself.  “ That’s why I stayed for longer, he needed some time to calm down. Thank God he fell asleep “ Ashley looked sad, her eyes watering as she took in the information

“ God I hate seeing Josh like this” her voice was shaking “ He doesn’t deserve any of this, this is so unfair , Tyler, so goddamn unfair. “

Silence settled between them , because Tyler knew that this conversation will only bring more tears and right now he couldn’t handle  any more crying. He needed to go out, to get some air and _breathe._ Everything about this hospital room was suffocating him.

With one final kiss to Josh’s forehead, the brunette said goodbye to Ashley and left the room and saw his wife sitting in a chair outside, leaning on the wall with her eyes closed.  Guilt. It washed over him, from head to toe and settled deep in his gut.  Jenna looked so fragile and small, the bag underneath her eyes giving away how little sleep she was getting.  Tyler kneeled in front of her, putting his hands on her knees and softly rubbed. She opened her eyes, still dazed, but smiled at him and put her hand on top of his.

“Hey baby” she greeted him leaning forward to kiss his forehead and Tyler felt like crying

“ Hi “ he stayed there with his forehead pressed to hers for a good minute before pulling away “ Are you tired ? We could just go to sleep if you want ?” he suggested, because she looked so exhausted and he wasn’t sure how long he’d be able to stay awake either

“ No, I want to go out with you “ she smiled and held his hand in hers, tangling their fingers together “ It feels like we’re going on a date” her voice was playful , but he felt the fragility it held underneath.

“ Are you sure ? “

“ Yeah. I’d rather spend some time with you then sleep” that made Tyler smile wide and bright, his exhaustion evaporating right there on the spot.  Jenna hugged him, before getting up and helping him off the floor.

“ You promised me a romantic dinner and you’re not getting out of this before I get it” she joked and Tyler entangled their fingers together

“I wouldn’t try in a thousand years” he said honestly while they slowly made their way through the hospital corridors and out in the chilly evening air.

 

===========

Tyler and Jenna ended up buying pizza from a place that was still opened around midnight, which was pure luck. They found a hill not far away from the hospital ( because Tyler felt anxious getting too far away) and drove all the way to the top, abandoning the car and settling down on a blanket in the middle of the rich grass.  Tyler felt like a high schooler on a first date with nerves settling in deep in his gut.  Jenna was as beautiful as ever, even though she was sporting a ponytail and probably haven’t brushed her hair in a few days. Her clothes were plain and rather comfortable, but she still managed to look stunning and Tyler couldn’t put into words how much he loved that woman.  Her eyes sparkled underneath the sea of stars while her slender fingers were entangled with his. They were leaning on each other,  finding comfort and warmth in each other body heat. Tyler wanted to say a million things, but all of the words got stuck in his throat on the way out.  Jenna was quiet too, but her fingers played with his and it didn’t feel awkward or forced. They just enjoyed each other’s company in quiet, without doctors and nurses around them and the constant noise of hospital stealing away their peace.  The view was beautiful with all of the tiny lights glistening on the horizon, the city still moving alive despite the late hour. Tyler let out a sigh. Jenna picked up her head from his shoulder and looked up at him.

“ I’m really glad to be here, Tyler” she started, gently steering his face so he was looking at her “ I missed you so much …. I thought I lost you and it was killing me “ it felt unfair to Tyler that she was the one who started the conversation because it was _all his fault._  He should’ve been the one saying something, the one taking the lead in this, but he was _weak_ and she has always been the strong one.

“ I knew that you were pushing me away to protect me , but it was worse, Tyler, so much worse.  I knew you were suffering, but I wasn’t  there to help you. I couldn’t do anything to make you feel better from afar and that was the worst part. “ Tyler was staring at their connected hands and struggled to find words to describe how sorry he was

“ I made a huge mistake. I did what I was afraid of doing the most… I hurt you, Jen,  I hurt you because I was selfish and stupid and blinded by my own grief. “ he shook his head , too ashamed to look up at her and also scared that he’ll see anger or pity in her beautiful blue eyes.

“ I wish you’d let me help you “ she said sadly “ I wish you’d let me take care of you, instead of pushing me away. You always push people away when they try to help you and I know why “ she tilted his head up, trying to make eye contact “ You don’t want the people you love to suffer because of you. You feel like you don’t deserve help “ it was all true , and of course it was, because Jenna knew him way too well. She knew his very core and she could read him with her eyes closed.  “ But baby” she continued , her voice even softer than before “  The people who truly love you will still suffer, even if you push them far away.  I love you “ she cradled Tyler’s face with her two hands and he was a millimeter away from falling “ I love you and I hate seeing you like this “

“I love you too. So much, God I love you so much” his voice was cracking terribly and it was pure luck that the words came out somewhat coherent “ I never meant to hurt you and I’m sorry, I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that crap because of me “ he wasn’t going to cry, not before he said everything he had to say. “ I didn’t want to live. I wanted to die so bad, but I didn’t want to pull you down with me. I thought I could do this on my own, but God who am I kidding ? “ Tyler laughed bitterly “ I’ve never done anything right in my life , hell I couldn’t even .. I couldn’t even ..” the words suddenly felt like rocks in his throat and he choked” I couldn’t even kill myself properly “ it was difficult saying these words, especially with the way Jenna flinched when she heard them leave his mouth.

“ I’m glad you didn’t” she whispered “ I want to spend  the rest of my life with you, I want to have kids with you, I want to grow old with you and die with you from oldness right next to you”  this finally made Tyler cry, because that’s all he wanted too, but he thought he lost it forever.  “When we got married I promised you that I’ll be by your side no matter what happens, no matter how tough life gets or how bad things turn out” she looked him straight in his eyes, to show him she really meant it “ And I still mean it, Tyler, with all of my heart. “ he nodded, tears flooding his cheeks and wetting her hands that cradled his face

“Me too” he whispered “ I love you so much” and they finally kissed while the wind blew their hair and sent a chill down Tyler’s spine. It was wet, full of tears and snot , but he didn’t care because it was perfect.  “I don’t deserve you” he whispered after they broke the kiss. “ I will never deserve you”

“ Shhh” Jenna picked up the corner of the blanket they were sitting on and covered them with it, hugging Tyler as close as possible. They cuddled like that, watching as the lights died one by one as the city went to sleep.  The air was cold, but Jenna was so warm and felt so safe he barely felt the chill”

“ The pizza is probably disgusting “ Tyler said and let out a faint laugh, his throat sore and dry from all the crying.

Jenna laughed and agreed

“Yeah, probably. But you do know I didn’t come here for the pizza right ? “ she was smiling and Tyler let out a small huff of laughter.

“I don’t know what I would do without you” Jenna snorted

“ You’d probably merry Josh” that made Tyler laugh, because it was probably sort of true. Well not officially married, but he could totally see himself growing old with Josh, who was probably the best person in the world. Along with Jenna.  He was so lucky to have both of them and Tyler felt almost sick just thinking how close he was to losing them both 

“ I don’t know if he’s ever going to be okay” Tyler felt the sadness embedded  deeply inside of him tug at his heart “ Sometimes I wonder if there’s hope for him to recover, to be happy and whole again, but the more I think, the more I see ….. “ Tyler remembered vividly the sorrow in Josh’s eyes when he told him about the girl who died back in captivity with him and how guilty he sounded “ ….. the more I doubt it will ever happen.”

“ I think he’s a lot stronger than people give him credit for” Jenna was right, Josh was strong, but how much strength is required to pull through something like that and come out of it without pieces of you missing ?

“ Sometimes I wish it was me instead of him “ God he deserved it a lot more than Josh, who never hurt a fly in his life. “ Seeing him like this makes me wish the roles were reversed. I can’t stand it, Jen, I can’t stand watching him suffer like this “

“ Me too”

They sat there for a while, both lost in thoughts of their own, before Jenna reached for the box of pizza and put it in front of them. They ate in silence , barely tasting the food at all.

“Do you think we should go back? “ Tyler asked when they were done with the pizza, cuddling under the warm blanket

“ Are you worried ? “

“Yeah”

“Okay” Jenna kissed Tyler and rose back to sitting position, throwing the blanket off them “ Then let’s go back” they gathered everything and put it into the car, Tyler climbing into the passenger seat letting Jenna drive back to the hospital.  

Tyler felt better after their conversation, but despite the fact that Jenna has forgiven him, he still wasn’t ready to forgive himself.  He had to make things right, not only with words, but with actions too.  Both Jenna and Josh deserved it.

 

========

When morning came, the first thing Tyler did was call Richard Engel, the guy who helped save Josh's life and took care of him in a big way. He was a war correspondent , as well as a person with many relations and someone who could probably help Tyler find the family of the girl who died in the terror camp.  Richard was the first person who popped in his mind when Josh asked for his help, so now he was staring at his phone nervously, hoping that he was doing the right thing.  The phone rang a couple of times , before a strong male voice picked up.

“Hello ?” the man said politely

“ Umm.. hello. Is this Richard ? “ the man confirmed and Tyler continued “ This is Tyler. Tyler Joseph. You helped me find my best friend Josh and get him out of Syria, about 3 months ago.”

“ Hello, Tyler, I’m so glad to hear from you” the voice became warmer and friendlier, now that the man recognized Tyler. “ How are things going ?"

“ Um.. we’re hanging in there” it was always difficult answering whenever someone asked him how him and Josh were doing. “Not good” or “ terrible” were not good answers, but saying that they’re “ okay” or “good” was a shameless lie.

“ It’s probably incredibly difficult. I know what PTSD can do to a person, Tyler. It ruins your life, your relationship with other people and your entire perspective on things “ Richard was so right and Tyler had to remind himself that this guy has spent over 20 years on battlefields all over the world and probably has a pretty good idea what violence can do to a person. “ How can I help you though ? “ straight to the point then.

“ Josh asked me to do something yesterday and I promised him I’ll do it at all costs”

“ Does he talk ?” Richard sounded honestly surprised

“ Sometimes” Tyler said with sadness he couldn’t hide or cover “ A friend of mine who’s psychiatrist told me it’s probably SM “

“ Selective mutism, yes, I’ve encountered people suffering from that before. It’s not uncommon for PTSD –suffering people.

“ Has any of them started talking freely again ?” Tyler couldn’t help but ask

“ A couple of them , over the years. It takes long for the human mind to go back to normal after living for so long in fear and darkness. But Josh is lucky to have people like you to help him go back to somewhat normal life. You seem like a very devoted and loyal friend” Tyler blushed at the compliment and was glad they talked on the phone and not in person “ I will help both of you with everything I can. Can you give me more details about his request ?”

“ Yeah, um.. Josh asked me to look for the family of a girl who was tortured at the terror camp with him. Her name was Leylia Bekir, a Turkish reporter who got caught by the terrorists and brought to the same camp Josh was held at. He told me she helped him through a lot and I guess he feels like he owes her this. You know, to bring some sort of peace to her family.” Richard stayed quiet for almost a whole minute after Tyler was done talking

“Yes, I know about the disappeared Turkish reporters.  They were believed  to be dead, after the scene where they worked got attacked and destroyed into pieces by the very same terrorist group. She must’ve been one of those reporters. “

“Do you think you can find her family, relatives, anyone ?” it felt incredibly important to Tyler that they did, because he knew how much it meant for Josh.

“ I will pull some strings, talk to some people and I’m sure they’ll show up. I promise you Tyler, I’ll do everything in my power to find them. I know how much this means to you”

“ I don’t even know how will I ever repay you for all the help you’ve been providing us. Josh is alive thanks to you. We owe you everything”

“You owe me nothing, but a promise you’ll take good care of yourself and your very brave best friend” Richard said warmly and Tyler smiled to himself

“You can count on that, Rich. I can call you that right ?”

“ Of course.” Richard paused and Tyler thought they were going to end the conversation when Richard spoke again, his tone turning serious all of a sudden.

“ There’s one more thing , Tyler. There’s something you might want to see, but .. I’m not entirely sure it’s a good idea you do” Tyler felt confused. What was Richard talking about ?

“Okay” he simply said, waiting for Richard to elaborate

“ There are videos” a pause. Videos. Right. “ Three of them to be precise. “

“What kind of videos?” Tyler felt his anxiety rising all the way to his throat and stop him from swallowing.

“ Of Josh” oh no. “ The terrorists took them while he was in captivity” Richard was speaking carefully, without giving any details out. Tyler assumed it was a bad sign. “ I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to watch them, because they are rather graphic and pretty difficult to watch. But it doesn’t feel right keeping them a secret from you. So I’ll leave the choice to you.” graphic… Tyler felt his knees begin to buckle underneath him.

“ They filmed while torturing him ? “ Tyler was going to throw up now for sure.

“ Yes. I have a file that contains three videos. I will e-mail them to you, but I’ll say this again – I don’t think you should watch them. It won’t do you any good. Believe me Tyler, you don’t want to see that.”

“ Have _you_ watched them ?” his head was spinning . The possibility of _seeing_ Josh getting hurt, even if it was just from the screen of his computer was too much to bear.

“Yes. Not until the end, but I’ve seen what they are about and trust me when I tell you that it’s the kind of thing that will keep you awake at night for the rest of your life. It’s your choice and this is why I want to share the files with you. “

“Thank you, Richard, thank you, I appreciate it “  Richard told him he was always welcome and after saying goodbye to each other Tyler let his phone drop to the chair he was standing next to and covered his face with his hands.

These bastards were videotaping the torture, like it was some sort of sick fun. Suddenly questions were burning holes in his chest – did Josh know he was being photographed? Did he know about the videos? Should Tyler tell him he got those videos at all? Has someone else seen those ? What if they leak ? no, no , no they can’t end up on the internet.  Hopefully Richard has made sure nobody else got them… but what if the terrorists decided to make them public and send them out to a tabloid or something like that ? God he hasn’t even watched the videos and he was already a nervous mess.

With shaky hands Tyler picked up his phone from where it was lying on the chair and opened his e-mail box. Sure enough there was a new e-mail from Richard Engel.  Tyler stared at it, afraid to open it, but too curious to just let it go. Sliding down the wall behind his back until his butt hit the ground with a thud, Tyler closed his eyes and hit **_read._** Soon enough he was going to regret that decision

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This might've came out a bit messy, but I wrote it in one go and didn't have much time to edit it. Like I said I'm planning another chapter whithin the next few days, so keep your eyes opened :)
> 
> Please let me know what you think, because it's essential to this story. Every oppinion counts, the positive and the negative ones, no exceptions. I've received so much support since I started writing and honestly, I wouldn't expect this to happen in a million years.
> 
> If you want to talk about this fic or ask questions or share oppinions, you can find me on my tumblr here : i-m-a-goner-takeitslow.tumblr.com/


	25. Please don't be afraid of what your soul is really thinking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's the promised chapter that you guys will hopefully enjoy. Like you all probably know I will spend the next week or so in a hospital so I cant promise and update. But I promise to write whenever I can and hopefully upload when I get internet connection.
> 
> Also I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT MY STORY HAS ALMOST 300 KUDOS WHAT ?? never in a million years would I imagine so many people reading my work and all of the positive reviews are completely overwhelming. I was so nervous about posting this on the internet, so thank you all so much for accepting this story for what it is <3

Tyler felt frozen to the spot, with phone in his shaking hand and a buzz of thoughts in his head. What the hell was he doing ? Did he REALLY want to see whatever those videos contained ? His mind was screaming NO and flashing red lights, but his heart wanted it anyway. Maybe if he watched at least one of the videos he would finally understand what Josh had to go through? Maybe not even the whole thing, but just a snippet, just a few minutes … God why was he doing this to himself ??

The e-mail wasn’t long, but it contained a brief description of the said videos.  Tyler read it a few times, a feeling of dread and fear creeping up into his system. Just _reading_ about it made his blood run cold. The e-mail said :

_Hello Tyler,_

_First of all I want to thank you for calling me and generally reaching out to me. I know that we are not the closest of friends, but I can say that I grew really fond of you, Mark and Josh and consider all of you a part of my family. This is exactly why I’m sending you this e-mail, hoping that you will take the right choice for yourself regarding the material attached to it._

_The file contains an archive of three videos and two photos, all involving Josh and all taken while he was in captivity. As I told you on the phone, these videos are quite shocking and graphic, each of them containing very disturbing material and my honest advice, as a friend is that you forget they ever existed and move on with your life. But if you decide to watch them anyway, here is a quick summary, just to prepare you for what you’re going to see._

_The 30 minute video you will find in the achieve contains Josh being suspended from the ceiling , with his hands behind his back which is very possible one of the reasons his shoulders are in the critical state they are in right now. Besides being suspended he is also whipped and electrocuted and only ends when he is passed out.  I will keep the gory details In case you decide to skip this one._

Tyler needed a minute to regain his composure after completely losing it, while reading the e-mail. The description was lacking any sort of details and was pretty plain, but it still shook Tyler more than anything so far. The prospect of seeing it with his own two eyes was absolutely terrifying.  Josh was here, he wasn’t trapped anymore, he wasn’t tortured anymore, so why do this to himself ? God Tyler felt so lost.

He ran a shaking hand over his face, grateful that the spot where he chose to sit on the floor wasn’t crowded and his mental state wasn’t for everyone to see.  The tears smeared all over his face, wetting it. Tyler raised his phone back to eye level and kept reading the e-mail.

_The second one, in my opinion the most disturbing one is where Josh is being subjected to a so called mock execution. It’s a form of psychological torture where Josh  is being lead to believe that he’s going to be killed, but within the last seconds before execution, when he’s convinced he’s going to die they stop. It’s a horrible way of manipulating person’s mind and believe me, the consequences are not any less damaging than any physical torture.  I had trouble watching this video until the end and my strong advice is that you don’t either._

_The third video and the longest one of all three contains a very graphic sexual scene and it’s probably best if I don’t give you description of this one. It involves many people and many sexually abusive and degrading acts, so please Tyler, be very careful while watching if you decide to do so._

_I spent quite a long amount of time debating with myself whether I should show you these or not, but ultimately the decision should be yours to take. Josh is your best friend and it’s within your right to know what happened to him._

_I hope you choose not to watch these videos and instead concentrate on helping Josh recover from the traumatic experiences, as I know you do. If he hasn’t started psychotherapy yet, I’d strongly advise you to get him that sort of help. I know a couple of professionals who will surely be happy to help Josh recover mentally, so let me know if you want their contacts._

_Please feel free to call me if you need anything and keep me updated on Josh’s condition. I’m already working on finding Leylia’s relatives, so we’ll stay in touch if something pops up._

_Take care of yourself and keep hope alive, my friend. Don’t give up. I’m rooting for both of you._

_Kindest regards,_

_Richard Engel._

Tyler sat in silence for a good twenty minutes, thinking about everything he’s just learned. It was no secret to anyone that Josh has been tortured and abused badly, but every little detail about it was incredibly difficult to bear. Tyler couldn’t stop asking himself ..How much could a man handle before he loses his mind ? How much did it take to break a human being, until he felt like he wasn’t a human anymore? Did Josh still had his mind intact? Was he completely broken ?  Tyler wasn’t even sure about his own sanity and he wasn’t the one being tortured for months.  And having the proof of Josh’s suffering right in his hands was making everything feel a little more raw, a little more real. Did he want to see it ? A little part of him needed to see a proof that something awful _actually_ happened and it was twisted and sick and felt wrong, but it was true. Tyler wasn’t sure if It was curiosity or something else that made him want to see his best friend suffer, but maybe knowing that Josh was safe and okay now made it a little bit easier to bear the fact that he _did_ suffer in the past. 

The phone buzzed in Tyler’s hand making him jump and almost drop it on the ground.

 **Jish: Hey Ty, you coming?** – It was Josh who texted him and the singer almost slapped himself in the face because he has completely forgotten.  He promised to give Josh a haircut and dye his hair today. Ashley brought all the tools needed and they were both obviously waiting for Tyler to come.

 **Jish: Sorry if I’m waking you up or something, I just wanted you here –** came another message, followed by another seconds after

 **Jish: But if you are sleeping don’t come, me and Ash will be fine, you should get some sleep –** Tyler couldn’t help but feel fond of the boy who seemed so worried about his friend’s wellbeing when he was the one suffering. Josh was as sweet as ever and Tyler couldn’t help but smile to himself while typing a message on his own.

**Tyler:  No, I wasn’t sleeping, I’ll be right there**

**Jish : Sick**

Tyler scrambled back to his feet,  sending one last glance to the e-mail still opened in his phone’s browser. He couldn’t watch the videos here. He needed to be alone. He knew if he was to watch them he’d be a complete mess and he couldn’t afford to fall apart here for everyone to see. And he couldn’t let anyone else know about these videos, at least not yet. 

He rushed to Josh’s room where he found an anxious looking Josh, sitting in his bed with his shoulders hunched and shaky arms pulled close to his lap. Ashley was preparing a towel to drape over his shoulders and looked a little nervous herself.

“Oh Ty, hey” she greeted the man and planted a kiss on his cheek while giving him the towel and a an electric razor.

“Hey Ash “ he greeted the girl back and took the items from her, making his way towards Josh’s bed.

“ How are you feeling J ? “ Josh looked up at the mention of his name and smiled nervously. Tyler knew that smile, it meant that the drummer’s anxiety was trying to break through to the surface.

“ Tired “ he said with raspy voice that made Tyler’s heart hurt a little “ And s-sore “ 

“Are you excited about getting your hair cut ? “ Tyler asked and gently put the towel around Josh’s shoulders, making sure it didn’t apply any pressure at places that still caused him pain.  Josh nodded.

“ Yeah, It’s way t-too long now. Reminds me of m-my emo days “ Josh smiled and Tyler literally beamed at the joke

“You’re as emo as they get” Tyler laughed and took the scissors from the bedside table, not missing the way Josh flinched at the sight of it. His entire posture changed , body retreating into itself and lungs working extra hard to match his fast heartbeat.  Josh closed his eyes.  He remembered how it felt when _they_ cut his hair, taking away one by one everything that made him who he was.  His colorful hair, his piercings, his freedom of speech, his whole identity….

_His knees were hurting. He must’ve spent the last couple of days in this uncomfortable position on the rough concrete floor, that bruised and wore out his skin. Someone was  pulling at his hair harshly and Josh let out a cry of pain, followed by a sharp kick to his ribs. He tried to fold in on himself, but the iron grip on his hair kept him from doing so and pulled another cry from his throat._

_One of the men, probably the one holding his hair was laughing while asking Josh things like “ Are you a clown? “ , followed by “Stupid bitch”, another painful tug at his hair and then “ I’ll rip this hair out of your head , stupid American clown” . It felt like that’s exactly what they’re trying to do, the force of the pulling making his eyes water and lips tremble._

_“ Ahh please stop” his voice sounded hoarse and shot, probably from screaming or crying since he did plenty of both the past few days. Or was it weeks ? He wasn’t sure anymore. Since being captured and locked up the constant abuse made him confused and afraid for his life, every minute of the time spent in the darkness was bringing more and more horrible thoughts. Are they going to kill him today ? Or was it happening tomorrow ? Will they hang him, shoot him, slit his throat ?_

_A sob tore from his throat when another boot connected with his ribs, as a pair of scissors glistened in the dimmed light of the single light bulb hanging from the ceiling._

_“ No” slipped out of his mouth before he could stop himself and a harsh slap to his face shut him up with brutal force .They wanted to cut his hair and it shouldn’t have been as scary as it was , shouldn’t feel as much as a violation as it did. But oh God did it feel like he was being violated, like something very personal and intimate being torn away from him and he fought it. With hands tied behind his back and strong hand in his hair there weren’t many ways to fight, but his body seemed to ignore that fact. He moved from his position on his knees, kicking his legs out from underneath him and tried to stand up. Of course it didn’t work and the only result was another harsh slap to the face, accompanied by even harsher tug to his hair, making him stand up in attempt to lessen the pain.  Someone was holding him by his shoulders now, steadying him for what was about to happen. Red strands of hair were falling freely to the ground, like drying leaves on early autumn evening. It wasn’t careful or gentle, the metallic scissors working their way through his hair and whipping every trace of color from his head. Then the tears came, unwanted and unwelcome , but still they fell down his cheeks and burned him with shame and humiliation._

_Voices were laughing at him and making fun of his tears and his pain, running rough hands through his now almost naked  head, as if to amplify the awfulness of his situation. The person who held him in place let go and Josh crumbled to the ground, curling in on himself as humiliation and fear coursed through him. Why was this happening to him ? Why ?_

_The sound of spitting hit him seconds before the spit itself did and he covered his head in attempt to at least protect his face.  Another spit later, then another kick, more laughter, more mocking, more spitting. It went on until the guards got bored and left the cell, probably feeling satisfied after destroying somebody’s dignity and shattering it into pieces.  Josh briefly wondered if he’ll survive long enough to grow his hair out again. He wasn’t sure he wanted to anymore._

Tyler has learned to catch the signs of an upcoming panic attack early on, before it even happened, so when he noticed Josh’s distant and terrified look in his eyes , he knew.  Seeing the scissors in Tyler’s hands has triggered something painful, it must’ve been a bad memory, because the drummer’s breath hitched and entire body shifted away.  The singer put down the scissors and slowly kneeled near the bed, making himself as small and least threatening as possible.

“ Josh ? “ he called out and the latter shook in response “ Hey, it’s just me, you’re okay” he tried to keep his voice steady and calm.

“Th-they took my h-hair” Josh mumbled, hands flying to his hair as if to check if it’s still there.

“Yeah, but it grew back didn’t it ? “ Tyler heard Ashley sniffle behind him. 

“ Yeah” Josh whispered and kept tugging at his curls, almost disbelieving they were still there.

“If you don’t want me to cut your hair, I won’t.  Just tell me and we’ll stop” Josh looked up and his eyes softened, the fear retreating back into the depts of his troubled mind. He shook his head.

“ N-no, I trust you. “ reaching out the curly haired man grabbed Tyler’s hand in his, cold shaky fingers wrapping around Tyler’s.  Josh used to have such warm hands, the singer thought with sadness and squeezed back. The lack of food and hope can do that to a person’s hands he guessed.

“ Okay “ he could see Josh relax , but his shoulders were still hunched forward and tense, probably from discomfort.  “But if you do need me to stop just say the word “ he said just to make sure and Josh nodded.

Tyler tried to be as careful as he could, going slowly and checking on Josh’s reactions every couple of minutes. He wasn’t the best hair dresser, but it seemed like he did a decent job so far.  The hair on his sides was cut as short as possible with the scissors , leaving the rest of it for the electric razor to shave.  The hair in the middle formed a mohawk of curls that were also cut shorter and later dyed with blue hair dye.  The whole process took about an hour and a half , during which nurses came and went, admiring Tyler’s handiwork and making comments about how great Josh looked.  Tyler agreed completely. Seeing Josh with blue hair again brought back a feeling of familiarity as well as memories when the drummer rocked this color a couple of years ago. Those were good times, their band was up and coming, getting more and more recognition , as well as more dedicated fans. Vessel was released and it was their first official album out on the market. They got amazingly positive reviews and the music scene has accepted them with open arms.  When Josh had blue hair, everything was hopeful and exciting. Tyler chose this color randomly, just because he loved it on Josh , but honestly he was so happy he did pick this one. 

“ You look great “ the brunette smiled and lifted a mirror for Josh to see his brand new haircut.  The drummer only took a brief look at himself and looked away, nodding slightly.

“ What is it ? Don’t you like the color ? “ Tyler felt worried they might’ve triggered another bad memory or something like that.

“N-no, I love it” Josh said and attempted a smile.

“Then why are you upset ?” Tyler knew he was pushing but he couldn’t help it. Seeing Josh upset was terrible.

“ I’m not, Ty. I p-promise”  he stuttered and stared at his hands “ It’s n-not the color. I just …  never mind . “ Josh mumbled and  Tyler didn’t push this time, afraid that his friend will close in on himself or have another panic episode.

“Well I love it” he ran his hand through the drummer’s hair, still admiring the beautiful color and how well it suited the hazel eyed man.  He still had some blue dye on his neck and some on his face, so both Ashley and Tyler busied themselves with cleaning and whipping the paint off.  Just in time when they were done dr. Lewis walked into the room , looking happy for once.  He greeted everyone while flipping through a big pile of documents in his hands.  Josh looked nervous and Tyler hoped it wasn’t another bad news. He doubted it though, because the doctor looked in good spirits

“ Josh, I have some really good news for you”  Dr Lewis announced and smiled brightly “ Finally, your vitals are good and your health has improved enough for us to think that you are ready to go home” Tyler almost leaped upon hearing the news, clapping his hands together and feeling Ashley hug him. This was amazing news. Josh has spent the last months stuck in a hospital bed, which has no doubt weighted on him a lot.  It was bleak and depressing, unfamiliar and unsettling, well in Tyler’s opinion at least. It probably reminded Josh of how ill he was, how different he was, which is definitely NOT what he needed right now. He needed to be home, to sleep in his bed and have some sort of normality in his life. Tyler was beyond happy.

Josh looked relieved and grateful, a warm smile spreading over his face and making everyone melt right there on the spot.  The new hair color and soft glowing smile that revealed his still perfectly straight teeth was enough to make Josh look almost unchanged , almost untouched by all the damaged he has suffered. Almost. 

The doctor shared their happiness for a short while and continued, on a bit more serious note.

“This of course doesn’t mean that his treatment will end when he leaves the hospital. “ he turned to Josh with sympathy and compassion in his grey eyes “ You still have a long road ahead  in front of you, young man. Your body has went through many transformations that will take time to get used to. You have your left kidney removed, which means that your diet will be strict and it will continue for the rest of your life . Also, your left lung although still functioning is impaired and will affect your physical performance.  We will see how your recovery is going and if needed you will be provided with additional oxygen, to help improve your oxygen intake.  You still have some bones healing in your body, so it will take time for the pain to subside. Your ribs might cause you discomfort for another 3 or 4 months since the way they have been broken has had a very dramatic effect on your entire ribcage structure. Some of your ribs are now growing in a bit different angle which could also cause pain in different situations.  Physical therapy is strongly advised “ upon seeing the slight grimace of pain on Josh’s face Dr. Lewis softened his tone “ I know it’s been really painful for you, with the trauma you endured it’s a miracle you can still move your arms and step on your feet.  But the fact that you do both of those things means that the damage is not irreversible. With enough consistency and professional help I believe that you will be able to walk within 6 months or so. “ Josh swallowed and tried to not look disappointed at the news. It must be difficult hearing all of these things and Tyler held his friend’s hand a bit tighter, to show him that he was there and will always be there. Weather it took 6 months or 6 years Tyler was going to be there every second of it.

“ The other thing that bothers me is your right arm, which has been healing rather slowly. We might need to perform another surgery to ensure that the problem doesn’t spread all the way into your muscles and nerves and worsen your condition.  Someone “ dr. Lewis turned to Tyler” needs to make sure your arm is taken care of, changing bandages and giving you shots. It’s something a family member can do, or you could hire a nurse to come by and do that for you. I will expect to see you for regular appointments twice a month to make sure everything is healing properly. “ Josh nodded, his hands shaking slightly more than a minute before. It all sounded scary, Tyler knew it, it sounded scary to him too ,even though he was just a bystander.

“There are more instructions that I will give Tyler and your other family members, to make sure you’re receiving all of the help and care you need. It’s a miracle you know. Surviving what you’ve been through and making it back home “ dr. Lewis has removed his glasses and his face showed something more than sympathy, something resembling admiration and respect. “ I hope you manage to find peace, as well as faith in human kind again. Your story touched me on a personal level ,Josh” the latter had a slight blush on his cheeks, as humble as always, never taking praise without blushing. “ And not only me, but everyone who in one way or another became a part of your incredible story. I’m wishing you all the best, to you and to everyone you love. You have my deepest respect” He then went to Josh who still looked a little dumbstruck and shook his hand and pat him on the shoulder, the scene touching and emotional. Tyler nodded to himself at the doctors words, because hell yes, Josh deserved all the respect in the world, all the praise in the Universe for soldiering through so many difficulties the way he has, without complaining or making it about himself.

“T-thank you. This really m-means a lot to m-me” and despite the heaviness of the situation Tyler was happy that Josh will finally go home. Because Tyler will go home too and taking care of his sick friend was way easier back at home.

“Don’t mind it, son. Just keep fighting the way you have been and everything will turn out just fine” another pat on the shoulder and the doctor turned around and gestured for Tyler to come outside with him. Both men left the room and anxiety once again crept into Tyler’s veins.

“ I know I said that Josh has been doing better, but the psychical concept is only a small part of that statement.  He will not be truly doing any better until he works through the thick cloud of guilt and fear that surrounds him right now.  I know he will probably refuse you, but seek professional help to get him through PTSD that he clearly suffers from.  It’s as dangerous as the broken bones and wounded flesh, Tyler, believe me. If his mind is ill, his body will never recover either.” This sounded a lot scarier than Tyler could imagine, because he knew it was true. He knew that his ill brain could sometimes make things 1000 times worse and more difficult for him , taking him to dark places he never knew existed.  Josh was probably stuck in constant darkness . Suddenly Tyler wanted to run back into the room and hug him.

“ I know, dr. Lewis, I will do absolutely everything for him, I’ll go the moon If have to, I don’t care what it takes.  He’s my best friend.  And the best person I know”  Tyler really meant that. Hell he’d go to the freaking sun if that’s what it took to help Josh get better.

“ Now take care of yourself. Have some sleep, some food. We’ll keep Josh for today and tonight, just in case . His discharging papers will be ready tomorrow morning, if he’s cleared to go home. So until then you should have some rest . Josh will need you at your best health once he goes home. It will probably take time to adjust. “

“ I don’t think I can sleep right now. “ the e-mail was still on Tyler’s mind and he knew that it won’t be long until he opened it again and that thought terrified him

“ Oh and one more thing. The painkillers Josh is on right now are very heavy and their prolonged use might damage his liver and weakened kidney, as well as lead to an addiction and other negative consequences.. This is why we will cut his dose in half and decrease it slowly, until his body gets used to their absence.  The first week or two will be difficult for him, because his body is still healing which is a painful process. His shoulders will hurt, as well as his back, his feet, ribs and the list goes on.  Be ready for it. It’s going to be tough, for both of you, so you need to be in good condition mentally too. Josh will need you, all of you” with that Tyler nodded and let himself be patted on the back by the doctor.  He could never be truly prepared to see Josh in pain, which will eventually happen and there was no way around it.  The heavy reality was sinking in while Tyler made his way back to Josh’s room, where Ashley was hugging him tightly on the bed.

She had to leave that evening, so Tyler left the two siblings to have their time alone and went outside into the park. He called Mark and told him the good news about Josh going home and he was extatic. When Tyler finished telling his friend about what doctor has said about the drummer and his condition he paused for a secobd, hesitating whether to tell Mark about the videos or not and decided that he was his closest friend beside Josh and having his support on that issue would be great. So he told him about the conversation with Richard, the e-mail and the three videos.

"Please dont tell me you're actually planning on watching them ? " Mark exclaimed upon hearing the news " Ty ??"

" I need to see it Mark, I need to know what happened with Josh " Tyler explained desperately.

" But why Tyler ? You want to see Josh get electrocuted ? Whipped ? Raped ? " the last word came out choked out and Tyler could almost feel Mark tearing up on the other side of the line.

" I ... I dont want to see it, but.. But I need to, I cant let it go, okay ? Mark please I need your support on this. Please ? " Mark let out a heavy sigh

" Damn it, Ty. Why are you always doing this to yourself huh ? Are you trying to punish yourself or something ? " and Tyler suddenly felt a little voice whisper in his head, that he deserved to see Josh like this, that it's all his fault and witnessing the result of his selfishness firsthanded was what he deserved. Maybe deep down inside he did want to punish himself for not being able to save Josh earlier. Maybe Mark was right.

" I dont know" Tyler admitted with quiet voice, washed over by a wave of exhaustion. " I wish I knew myself better but I dont. I wish I could be better, but I'm not, I cant be." he knew he was rambling, but the sadness was stuck in his throat and the immense weight if guilt was pushing on his chest.

" Hey, hey now " Mark must' ve felt where this was going because his tone changed into a more soothing one " You know this is not true. Dont put all the blame on yourself, Ty. Plus you're doing so well for him, you're helping him so much. Tell you what, I'll help with Josh's return home  tomorrow and then I'll stay for the evening and we'll figure out what to do with the videos okay ?" Tyler rubbed his eyes fiercely. They burned with tears and lack of sleep. He had no energy to argue.

" Okay " he agreed and sat down tiredly on one of the benches in the park.

It has been three and a half months of never ending cycle of fear and uncertainty. Tyler needed to grasp onto something, some kind of hope for better days to come, but it was so hard and he was so tired. Josh has always been the strong one out of the two of them, the singer reminded himself again. He possesed the kind of spirit Tyler could only dream of. Josh was his promise for better days to come. Josh was his hope.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Josh is going home and I am being admitted to the hospital, oh the irony. I already have the next few chapters planned and they are going to be intense *wink wink videos* hehe :)  
> I cant promise you anything specific as when the next update will be, but I'm already itching to write more :)))
> 
> P.S i read all of the comments you guys write and they warm my heart


	26. Moving forward, torn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh finally goes home, but his struggle is far from over. 
> 
> Trigger warning for panic attacks and flashbacks, containing violence.  
> ( it' nothing graphic, but I'm putting it just in case)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY I'M BACK HELLO HI !!!
> 
> Sorry for yelling, but I'm finally back with another chapter. Sorry for the wait, but I've been hospitalized which is no fun, they took away my phone so I wrote this chapter in a tiny notebook on hand. it's a long one - over 8k words and it's pretty emotional and sad, but this is no surprise because when did I write not sad stuff right ?
> 
> There's a couple of scenes where Josh has a flashback, so be careful if violence and torture triggers you. Also panic attacks and emotional breakdowns. Please read with care <3
> 
> Hopefully you will enjoy this chapter :)

==The title is taken from "Forest" by Twenty One Pilots ==

 

The morning of Josh's departure from the hospital was probably the most emotional one in his life and in Tyler's for sure, as the singer sat beside the blue haired man and watched the stream of people coming into the room to wish Josh all the best and say goodbye. On that morning Tyler very clearly remembered a quote he once read during a theatrical study when he was younger. It belonged to  Ernest Hemingway and said " You are so brave and so kind I forget you are suffering ". Sometimes it was easy to forget that Josh has survived an utter hell, especially when he smiled, eyes crinkling at their corners and kindness pouring out of him in waves.

 It was pretty obvious that the said kindness and his strong spirit has won everybody's heart and honestly it was not a surprise. Yet Tyler sat in awe, looking at all the nurses and hospital staff members come and go, bring flowers and presents and tell Josh how much his battle has influenced and inspired them. They pretty much all cried at one point or another and so did Josh, who looked taken aback by the commotion his leaving has created. The singer observed with painful tug of sadness how everyone reached out to hold his hand, in the same manner as Josh has once reached out to hold fan's hands, while balancing on a drum island held up by a sea of dedicated and united by music people. Tyler knew how much that gesture meant to Josh , who took it as something intimate, a way to show their fans he cares for them and they are not alone in whatever they're going through. Now the roles were reversed and it was his hand that was being held, words of encouragement whispered into his ear. Tyler cried , because he was grateful that Josh was alive and he cried even more because thinking about what it took for him to survive was breaking his heart and tearing him apart.

Many people thanked Tyler too, for being patient and understanding, even when things weren't going great. After all he has spent the past months in that very hospital and everyone who worked around there became sort of a family for both him and the drummer.

Now it was just them, Josh's closest friends and family who will take care of him and Tyler was terribly scared that he wasn't nearly strong enough for both of them. He could already feel the cracks forming in his minds, where weakness and fear seeped through, clouding his whole world with doubt. Hoping was dangerous , but Tyler had to stop every few minutes to breathe and remind himself that in order for the peace to win, he had to have faith. Faith in himself, faith in Josh, in God, in good winning over bad, in  everything worth fighting for.

Josh was wheeled out to the hospital's parking lot where his parents were waiting for Tyler and Mark to bring him. Getting him into the car has proved to be a lot more difficult than expected due to his still healing injuries and disability to move freely. Tyler was lifting Josh off the wheelchair and gently maneuvering him towards the opened backseat door, where his dad helped him settle down onto the seat. Josh was holding onto Tyler with iron grip and didn't let go, until the singer told him it was okay and he wasn't going anywhere. Laura was tearing up on the front seat, her son's struggle incredibly difficult to witness.

Once Josh was sitting on the backseat, panting and out of breath, his dad draped a blanket over his shoulders and Tyler nestled next to him. When the baggage was loaded and everyone has taken their seats the car started moving and Tyler was filled with both sense of  relief and nervousness. Josh looked tired and distanced, eyes staring outside and hands tightly clasped around the ends of his blanket. Tyler leaned his head on the blue-haired boy's shoulder who flinched for a second but then relaxed and smiled.

"You're going home, Josh" Tyler said , tears pricking at the corners of his eyes.

" I'm already home, Ty" Josh whispered back and leaned his head on Tyler's , closing his eyes. Two broken boys sat together, feeding on each other's warmth and closeness. It felt safe there, feeling Josh close , both physically and emotionally. Nothing could replace this , Tyler thought, not a single place in the world could bring the same feeling of belonging. He knew what his best friend was saying, he knew because he felt the same way. With Josh by his side he felt like home.

 

\-----------

When Josh woke up in his own bed, surrounded by soft sheets and a faint smell of vanilla filling his nose he thought he was still dreaming.  The bed felt nothing like the stiff and sterile smelling hospital bed or the freezing and hard concrete floor Josh has used to fall asleep on for months in captivity. It felt almost too nice, almost too normal. Almost.

When he tried to move his body on the bed, Josh felt so much all at once he almost blacked out. The pain exploded in his back and traveled up to his shoulders with such brutal force it almost knocked him right out. Josh let out an agonized groan which was another mistake , because the pain that pierced his rib cage almost made him vomit.  The next moment he knew he was gasping for breath, the agony burning his bones with such intensity it soon brought tears that flowed freely out of his tightly squeezed eyes.  Afraid to take a proper breath the drummer sucked in shallow little puffs of air , but even the slightest of movement brought new wave of pain to his bruised ribs. His mouth was dry like hell, throat still raw after the surgery and the following voice therapy.

Suddenly Josh was very aware of every little injury his broken body has endured,  something he has forgotten over the months of being constantly sedated. The reality of how badly he was hurt crushed down on him like tsunami and Josh couldn't help but wonder if this is what his life is going to be from now on, without the pain medications to make it bearable.

But the doctor told him that the more tine he spends on the pain-relief meds the more difficult it will be for him to get off them, so cutting them off was supposed to help him. Except it made his life absolute hell since the pain was too much to handle., hitting him again and again until he couldn't help it and screamed out. " Fuck' he hissed through clenched teeth, angry at himself for being loud enough for everyone in the house to hear him. Josh didn't want anyone to see him like this, he didn't  need their pity and empty words of comfort. He wanted to suffer alone, to be on his own while falling apart.

But before he could cover the next pain-filled moan someone was entering his room rather panicky, almost running in. Josh instantly recognized Tyler's fear filled voice saying his name.

" Josh ? What's happening, why were you screami- " Tyler cut himself off, the scene in front of him was probably pretty self explanatory.

" Oh Josh " he said quietly upon nearing the bed. Josh felt like screaming and it took his entire self control not to yell at Tyler to go away and leave him alone. "I'm sorry" yeah everyone's fucking sorry around me Josh thought gritting his teeth.

" H-hurts" the word came out hoarse and muffled " Everything h-hurts"

" God , I know J, I'm so sorry" Josh shook his head because he couldn't do this right now.

" I w-wanna be al-lone" it came out even more pathetic thanks to the newly adapted stutter. Tyler looked hurt, his features painted with compassion and guilt. People were pooling at the cracked open door, their voices hushed and worried. 

" J-just g-go Tyler, please" the last few letters from " please" turned into a sob and Josh raised his hands to hide his face , a desperate attempt to preserve the last bits of his dignity. His tears were a sign of defeat, he felt like he failed not just himself, but every single person who died while he survived. He felt like he should be grateful to be live, after surviving so much and seeing so many people die, but all he wanted was to die himself, sick of feeling guilty and humiliated all the time.

"Fuck Tyler" Josh literally cried and Tyler's actually took a step back, looking like he's about to cry himself.

" Okay, alright I'm sorry. I'll be right outside though, just call me if you need anything , okay ? " Josh nodded, still hiding his face behind his palms,  not trusting his voice at the moment.  He felt footsteps leading towards the door and than a noise of door closing shut.

Instantly Josh felt guilt for chasing his best friend away like that, but he couldn't stand hurting everyone around him anymore. He was a burden. A pathetic mess of broken bones , shattered pride and lost hope. He felt like a shell, something that once contained hopes and dreams, but now was empty and dark. Screaming didn't help, it only worsened the pain in his ribs and took away his breath. Helplessness was literally drowning him and Josh wanted just to disappear, to vanish into the air and stop existing.

He hadnt hurt so much since being tortured into unconsciousness and then brought back to be tortured again.  The pain was everywhere and it was absolutely relentless. Was this a punishment for surviving the torture in the first place ? No, no, the price of surviving was a lot more then the physical pain and Josh had to live with it for the rest of his life. Seeing them everywhere, the faces of people he hurt and watched get hurt a few feet away from him. Hearing them beg and cry, hearing them die, ugly, awful and hopeless. The guilt was eating him alive.

And he felt even more guilty now, burdening his friends and family who had to take care of him and he just didn't deserve it. Everyone expected Josh to heal, to get better, to move on. The only reason he tried was for them, because they deserved his efforts. He didn't want them to know the truth. And the truth was that they should've let him die in that hell hole. It would be better for everyone. 

Josh could feel every bone in his body, every joint vibrating with pain and forcing groans and cries out of his mouth. The feeling was familiar and over the months Josh has developed a coping mechanism for the times when the pain was too great to battle. He willed himself to relax and stop fighting it, because fighting always made things worse. He heard crying from outside the door and his heart was splitting in half from sadness. He didn't want to be alone anymore, didn't want to face his guilt on his own and hearing Tyler cry was making the guilt grow even bigger until it threatened to explode.  The night was going to be long.

 

\--------

It seemed like nobody slept in the house , not that it was possible when Josh was experiencing probably the most awful night of his life. There were a lot of sounds coming from his room, mostly curses and cries, groans and sobs. Tyler was sure that he was going to lose his mind while sitting with his back to the door leading to Josh's room and listening to his best friend cry from the pain he was in. It made the singer think about Josh and what it was like for him to hear other people cry like that with no way to help them. It was absolute torture.

He called Dr. Lewis a couple of times that evening in his desperation to do something. He demanded that Josh's pain medication is back to it"s old dosage, because without it the pain was just too much. He all but begged the doctor to do something , to make it a bit easier somehow, but the answer was always the same. Josh needed to clear his body from the heavy medications he was on for months, in order to preserve his liver and the one remaining kidney. It was way too dangerous to continue the treatment course with those meds, so this was impossible to avoid. It had to happen and Josh had to be strong and get through it. Except Dr. Lewis wasn't here to witness the screaming and sobbing so it was easy for him to talk like that.

By the third phone call Tyler was yelling into the phone and Jenna was trying to calm him down, but with no success.

" Don't you understand that he's in pain ?? You're a doctor , for fuck's sake, you're supposed to help him !! Stop telling me it's going to pass, it's not fucking passing, okay ?? " Tyler was literally ready to do anything to help his suffering friend somehow, but he was so helpless. Josh will have to be strong and make it through this rough patch, in order to get better in the long run. 

Dr Lewis promised to send someone to check on Josh and make sure he doesn't experience any complications, but the pain was not unusual and could not be helped. Tyler felt defeated.

Everyone in the house was quiet, Laura and William were quietly talking in the kitchen , his other siblings all gathered in the living room and Tyler felt like he didn't quite fit in with neither. It was weird feeling so alienated after spending months with Josh and his family at the hospital, but Tyler just didn't feel like he should interrupt his family's peace. After all they were all as affected from the nightmarish situation as he was and he had to respect that.

Still something in Tyler was telling him that the presence of all these people in the house wasn't helping Josh much, but quite the opposite. Judging by his reaction earlier he wanted to be alone and Tyler couldn't blame him. Going through all of that misery is difficult enough without all the bystanders. 

He couldn't find another spot at the house without feeling like intruding so he sat down on the floor in front of Josh's room and leaned his back against the door.  It felt wrong leaving his best friend alone in a moment like this, but what could he do ? Even if he stayed in the room despite Josh's pleading to leave how could he help ? Words right now were just words - empty and useless. No matter how many times he told Josh he was going to be okay and things were going to get better it wouldn't help him with the pain.  No words could fix what happened or erase the memories that haunted the drummer day and night.

The noises coming from the room were quieting down and Tyler prayed that Josh finally got a break. He felt exhausted himself and his eyes were slipping shut without his permission. It was late and his body just absolutely refused to cooperate ; leaning against the door Tyler fell into the most fitful sleep in his life.

\------

" Tyler?" The singer was startled awake by the tiny voice coming from behind the closed door he was leaning on. Sitting up straight Tyler leaned his ear against the door to make sure he wasn't hearing things.

" Ty? You h-here ? " the voice sounded even smaller now, almost a whisper.

"Josh ?  Yeah, yeah, I'm here J"  Tyler stood up , ready to walk in if his friend needed him.

" Could y-you come in ? I'm s-s-sorry I screamed at you-u " God Tyler felt like someone was punching him in the gut with a bat. Josh was apologizing ?? He probably thought that Tyler was mad at him for his behavior earlier and that broke his heart with how badly that thought hurt.

Without wasting another second the singer pushed open the door and walked in. Josh was curled up on himself on the edge of the bed, his pastel blue hair plastered to his forehead which was glistening with sweat.  The bed was a mess, the blankets twisted together, with pillows piled up in between them. It was clear that there has been some sort of struggle , Josh must've been tossing and turning trying to find a comfortable position to lay, but judging by the way his hands were curling around his middle it was unsuccessful.  His face looked even paler and thinner then before, black circles underneath tightly shut eyes were giving away his struggle to survive the night and the pain.

Josh was breathing fast and heavy, but when he coughed it made him yell in pain, body curling in further on itself.  Tyler felt tears forming in his eyes. Seeing Josh like this was still unbearable.

" Josh ? " his voice came out shaky and raspy. Josh's eyes opened and fixed on his friend's figure, but avoiding his eyes. " Do you need anything ? Can I get you something ?

" Water, p-please" the blue haired boy asked with low and husky voice

" Okay, I've got some right here" Tyler literally ran out of the room and fetched one of the bottles he had prepared just in case Josh asked for water. He brought it to Josh's bed who was now throwing up into the bucket that was left for that case near his bed. A coughing fit followed which left the drummer spluttering in agony. Tyler kneeled next to his bed, gently rubbing his back in slow soothing motions.

"I-I'm sorry Ty" Josh said when he finally found his breath.

" Hey now, there's nothing to apologize for okay ? I'm not mad, I promise" Josh looked so guilty it was heartbreaking. " Here, can you hold the bottle yourself or do you need me to help you out ? "

" I can h-handle it , t-thanks"  he stuttered and carefully took the uncapped bottle in his left hand, carefully wrapping fingers around it.

He threw up again afterwards and then drank more water, before falling exhausted on his mess of a bed. Looking up his eyes were shining with tears and looked even darker then before. The softness was lingering there , dulled by pain and drowned in tears but it was still there, it was still Josh.

Tyler removed his wet fringe off the drummer's face and pat his hair, wondering what he could do to make him feel better.

" I didn't w-want you t-to see me like t-this" Josh confessed " I know I'm a m-mess and I didn't want y-you to get h-hurt by seeing me being s-so pathetic"  Tyler wanted to scream, he was so frustrated.

" Josh, listen. You are my best friend. Hell you' re my brother and that means I will be here for you for absolutely anything. Anything Josh , alright ?  And as much as seeing you like this hurts me, it's even worse knowing you're going through this alone "  Josh uncurled one arm from his chest and took Tyler's hand in his.

" You are t-truly the best f-friend and b-best person in the world, Tyler J-Joseph. " Tyler squeezed his hand in return

" No, I'm definitely not"  he answered, because truly, the best person in the world was holding his hand in desperate grip right now " But I really am trying to be the best friend I can be, because you deserve it"

" You are, Ty. I s-swear" there was no trace of lie in Josh'eyes and Tyler wanted to believe it himself. But no matter what he did it never felt enough to him. .

Josh leaned forward again, pushing Tyler back so he won't throw up in him. He waited for the vomiting fit to end, an idea forming in his head.

" Do you want me to run you a bath ? It will help you relax a little "  at those words Josh's eyes lit up as well as his face

" Can you ??"

" Sure, J. I'll go get it ready" finally there was something he could do to make his friend feel better and it filled Tyler with happiness. He hurried to the bathroom next to Josh's room and busied himself with filling the tub with water as well as herbal soap he just bought recently. It wasn't going to be easy to get Josh into the tub, but he looked so hopeful when Tyler suggested it, he was sure it was going to be worth the effort. The water was warm and smelled amazing when Tyler made his way back into the room where Josh was lying in his bed, still looking like he's in great deal of pain. His eyes were squeezed shut, fingers gripping the bed sheets in iron grip, breaths coming out short and abrupt. Tyler stood in the doorway for a bit, still wondering if this was a good idea and if the blue haired man could handle it. 

" Josh ? Tyler drew his attention to himself. " Are you ready for a bath ?"

Josh opened his eyes,  letting out a quiet groan and focused on Tyler. His warm eyes had bags underneath them, the beautiful mocha color clouded by pain.

" Yeah, Ty, just help me up? " the brunette hurried to help Josh sit up and wheeled the wheelchair along the way. He didn't miss the look of sadness his friend gave upon seeing the wheelchair.

" This is only temporary you know " Tyler said , feeling incredibly sad himself. " Until you're stable enough to stand on your own "

" Okay" is all Josh said before sitting up slowly , holding onto Tyler's already outstretched hands. He was moved slowly to the wheelchair and then taken to the bathroom where the tub was still steaming. Josh closes his eyes, taking a deep breath, obviously enjoying the scent.

" It smells heavenly" he smiled and shot a grateful smile at Tyler

" I bet it feels amazing too " the singer smiled back. Seeing Josh smile was the best gift in the world.

" Okay, let's get you out of these clothes" said Tyler and helped Josh out of the wheelchair and guided him to sit on the edge of the tub. The drummer looked anxious again, fiddling with the buttons of his shirt.

" Could you um... t-turn away  ? I am awful t-to see right now" Josh stammered out and looked down.

"Oh" It hit Tyler that Josh must've felt incredibly self conscious about all of the scars littering his body. It didn't cross the singer's mind that after all the months spent at the hospital getting undressed in front of doctors and nurses Josh would still feel embarrassed about taking his clothes off in front of people. But what choice did he have really ? Nobody asked him if he was comfortable or not ; his injuries were everywhere and required treatment which completely took away his privacy. Tyler wasn't going to do the same.

" Yeah, of course " he wasn't turning around because he thought that Josh was awful to look at. Scars could never overshadow his real beauty, his inner grace. They only made his courage more pronounced, more visible. It took courage to be good, to stay kind and delicate in such a cruel world.

While Josh was undressing Tyler briefly wondered if his best friend will ever be able to be intimate with someone else, to feel comfortable enough to open up to someone.

" Ty ?" came a small voice behind him " Could you h-help me get in-nto the tub? I don't t-think I can do it b-by myself"  Tyler was sure he could break by how defeated Josh sounded at that moment. He slowly turned around and struggled to contain the gasp coming out of his mouth at the sight of his friend leaning on the tub's edge.

Josh was undressed down to his boxers and his body looked so thin it could belong to a 12 year old underweight kid.  From this angle Tyler could see part of his back which was covered with all kinds of scars,  all of them painful looking and varying from burn marks to thick skin lacerations. All of his ribs were visible, as well as other bones, covered with pale skin. Josh looked so fragile it felt like the softest swipe of wind could scatter his bones apart.

 Tyler let himself stare only for a second before taking a gentle hold on Josh's shoulders to help him step over the curb of the tub. The pain was visible on the blue haired's face, every movement causing his muscles to twitch and eyes to squeeze shut. When both of his legs were in the water, Tyler slowly lowered him down into sitting position and felt Josh breathe faster and faster, until the drummer was on the verge of hyperventilation.

" No" Josh was shaking, his grip on Tyler's arms almost painful " No, please" . Tyler felt himself panic, this was definitely a sign of an upcoming panic attack or flashback and it was always so scary.

" Josh, it's okay, you're safe " Tyler tried to shake him gently, but Josh let out a yell, either from pain or fear Tyler couldn't tell. " Josh , please, you' re safe, I'm here " but the words didn't help the trashing man. He curled up on himself in the tub,  letting out muffled sobs and kept begging like his life depended on it.

" Please" Josh cried " Please , no more..."

He was slipping, going back into the gaping black hole of terrifying memories. The water was everywhere, it was stealing his breath and his warmth. Unforgiving. He couldn't breathe. Another second and he was going to die.

 

 

 

_The barrel full of water in front of him made Josh's heart sink to his stomach, the feeling of dread taking over all of his senses. His feet dug into the dusty floor he was dragged on, the panic activating his instinct to fight. He has spent all day, fearing the moment when they will come for him and put him through another night of torture, every day the punishments getting worse and growing more violent. Now as he was pushed and roughly dragged across the concrete floor towards the container full of black looking liquid Josh prayed to God He helped him survive the night without breaking or losing his mind._

_Two guards were standing on each side of the barrel, grabbing Josh when he was brought to them and held him still. His hands were twisted behind his back with brutal force, making him whimper from the pain. Rough rope was tied around his wrists, holding them together in a tight grip and Josh had to grit his teeth to stop himself from making another  sound._

_When his hands were effectively tied together a third guard came close to Josh, a dangerous smile spreading across his face._

_" Does the little fish want to swim ? " he asked in a mocking tone , enjoying the fear in the tied man's eyes. Josh looked at the water, his dread amplified by how deep the barrel looked. He shook his head, but of course the question was just another way to intimidate him. Nobody cared what he wanted. He was just an object to be used and tortured, something his captors could have fun with until he couldn't handle anymore abuse and fall apart. Today was another way to test his limits._

_The man in front of him signaled the two guards holding his hands and they pushed him up, raising him off the ground. Josh only had a second to react when his entire upper body was forced into the water, pushing him further inside until he was upside down and only being held by his legs._

_The ice cold water shocked his senses and made his lungs seize on themselves, closing up until his chest hurt so bad it felt like everything inside of him was set on fire. He trashed, body desperate to free itself, every cell inside of him screaming for a breath that wasn't coming.  The pain has now spread to his head, the pounding inside of his scull so loud it felt like like his head was going to explode. Every second was agony, his lungs were screaming for AIR AIR AIR , but the guards were relentless. The next moment he couldn't take it anymore, he was going to breath in a mouthful of water and choke, drown , DIE. This was it._

_Josh was slipping, his mind going numb and chest blowing up from lack if air, when suddenly his body was hauled up and out of the water. Spluttering and coughing he desperately sucked in the precious air, the relief of finally breathing bringing tears to his eyes that mixed with the water running down his face.  The feeling of breathing freely only lasted for a few seconds, before the guard in front if him said " Again" and he felt himself being raised off the ground again._

_"NO"  Josh yelled out , but almost immediately after his body hit the water again, bringing back the horrifying feeling of drowning and hopelessness. It was as agonizing as the first time, even worse because his lungs already burned from the lack of air a few seconds ago. Twisting and shaking Josh knew he could't take this much longer , the horrible feeling of asphyxiation burning him from his throat all the way down to his stomach. A couple more seconds and he was dead, he knew couldn't hold it any longer. Opening his mouth to take a breath full of water Josh felt himself being pulled out by his legs and ended up vomiting all over himself the second he got out of the water._

_" Please" his voice was hoarse and broke terribly when the word left his mouth. "No more, no more" between throwing up and desperately trying to take a breath Josh felt himself being lift up again and screamed as loud as his abused lungs were allowing him. " NO"_

_The guard who was still standing at the same spot in front if him was laughing when he ordered " again" and the horrible procedure continued._

_On the fifth time, when Josh' s body was once again forced into the freezing water he wished they would finally let him drown. It literally took another second of staying underwater for Josh to give up on holding his breath and asphyxiate or drown, but they were not that merciful. And Josh despite of being terrified and in agony still held into life and didn't breath in water on purpose. He was fighting and hell he didn't want to give up, he didn't want to let them win.  He didn't want to die like this._

_His limp body was shoved roughly out of the barrel and onto the wet ground, the impact of flesh hitting concrete echoing in the air and sending painful waves up and down his barely functioning body. Josh threw up again, but there was nothing more to throw up so he heaved and choked on the ground, cursing himself for being too weak to put an end to his misery by letting himself drown._

_Freezing from the cold water and even colder ground he curled up on himself , shaking so hard he could hear his own teeth clatter. There was water in his mouth, in his nose, down his airways. He couldn't hear a thing from the loud ringing in his ears and the frantic beating of his heart. All of his fight left his body when he heard "again" and felt himself being lifted off the ground once again, hoping this time he drowned._

 

Tyler was terrified, barely containing his own panic while trying to calm Josh down from his frantic trashing. The contact with the water must've triggered something deeply traumatizing, something so terrifying it completely clouded his mind. Foam was coming out of the drummer's mouth and Tyler was on the verge of running out to get help and call 991 when he heard Josh rasping out " I c-can't ... I can't... " while clawing at his throat.

The singer wasted no time , jumping into the tub with his clothes on when he realized that Josh probably couldn't breathe.

" Josh, listen to me" he grabbed Josh's head in both hands, trying to steady him. " Josh, you need to breathe, come on man, take a deep breath"

Coughing , Josh kept holding to hid throat, saying " I c-can't breathe, p-pplease"

Tyler kept repeating in his mind " please breathe, please breathe" like a mantra while trying to stay calm for his best friend's sake.

" It's okay, it's Tyler, J come on"

" Tyler" Josh choked out, opening his eyes to send a desperate look at his friend.

" Yeah, it's me, I'm right here, I'm here"

" I c-couldn't breathe" Josh's voice sounded strained , but less frantic than a minute ago " T-they were drowning me"

"Shhh, it's okay now, just breathe " Josh took long deep breaths, fighting to stay calm despite the panic Tyler could still read in his eyes " Can you breathe now ? Do you need me to call the hospital ? " Tyler asked while slowly lifting himself out of the water, his clothes dripping wet and heart still brating 1000 miles per hour

" No, I'm f-fine now, don't call anyone " Josh still breathed fast, but nowhere near as frantic as before.

" God, I'm so sorry, Josh, I should've seen this coming" Tyler finally let himself relax and of course the tears came straight away. He got so scared that Josh will actually suffocate or pass out , the relief that he was okay made him cry .

" D-don't say that, you couldn't h-have known. It's not your f-fault , I'm just a mess right now"

Tyler stood there, soaking wet and feeling incredibly guilty for doing this to his best friend. Every time he tried to help him, to do something to make him feel better it actually made things worse. Josh was triggered by such random things there was no pattern or a way to predict a panic attack coming. A simple bath almost gave him a heart attack and a haircut made him scream and cry from terror. How was Tyler supposed to know what to do and what not ? Being the reason for Josh's distress was a huge burden and seeing the violent panic attacks unfold right in front of him was frightening as hell. 

Tyler felt himself shiver, the cold air reminding him that the water has probably gone cold and Josh was not comfortable in the tub anymore.

" Do you still wanna take a bath ? I mean I can get you back to your bed if you want " Josh looked shaken up and tired, but his small but warm smile showed Tyler that his friend was still there with him, he wasn't completely lost.

" Yeah,  I still want the b-bath you promised me" was the answer that Tyler got which made him incredibly happy, because he really wanted to make Josh feel better.

" Okay " Tyler smiled warm and bright " Let's drain the cold water and refill the tub with warm one, alright? " Josh nodded, hugging his knees close to his chest and wincing. His bony body was once again exposed to Tyler's eyes and the traces of torture that marked every inch of his skin made the singer want to burn every single person who ever hurt Josh in any way. He tried no to look at his friend, knowing how self conscious he must be feeling because of all the scars. The worst of them though were not visible. They only let themselves be seen in situations like the one a couple of minutes ago, when Tyler could see the worst of Josh's fears and terrors laid out in front of him.

When the tub was refilled and more herbal soap was added to the water Tyler grabbed a soft washing cloth and kneeled down next to Josh, who had his head rested against the curb of the tub.

" Is it okay if I wash you ?" Tyler asked, afraid he'll trigger the drummer again.

" You're s-soaking wet, Ty, why d-don't you take care of yourself first ? " the blue haired man looked worried, eyebrows knitting together from the thought of Tyler catching a cold because of him.

" Oh" Tyler hasn't even thought about changing his clothes until Josh pointed out their wetness. " It's okay, I'll change them when we're done okay?

" Okay" Josh nodded, relaxing further into the flower-smelling water, muscles still twitching from pain underneath his pale skin.

Tyler gently raised Josh's right hand and put it on the edge if the tub and out of the water. Then he busied himself with washing his friend's body as gently as he could and never missing the flinching and jumpiness that resulted from the contact.

" Are you still in pain ? " Tyler asked and felt pain himself when Josh nodded.

" It's b-bearable though, I'll manage. I've been through w-worse" and Tyler's mind instantly wondered back to the videos and their contents. Exactly how bad was worse ? And how did Josh survive it, if the aftermath of it was so painful ?

The washing was slow and careful and Tyler ran a couple of shaky fingers across Josh's deep scars littering his back, while washing it. They felt rough, the tissue there was a lot thicker and brighter looking than his normal skin. Pushing down bitter tears he struggled to find words to tell Josh how much courage it took to carry these scars as a survivor.

" When you asked me to turn around and told me you looked awful, you were talking about yours scars, didn't you ?" Josh looked up, eyes filling with tears.

" I am a w-wreck Ty. I look down on m-myself and all I see is a p-pile of bones with bruises and s-scars on top . This is n-not who I used to be. I've always wanted you t-to remember me as I was. " he looked down on himself in disgust and shook his head " This is not me" he whispered and this time Tyler shook his head.

" You are my best friend, Josh. You are the kindest and most caring person I have ever met and nothing will ever change that. And your scars, they only mean you survived. A scar means that the wound has healed, the hurt is over and you have endured the pain. Scars are beautiful in their own way, because strength of will IS beautiful.

"You've always h-had a way with words, Ty" Josh was smiling , but his eyes were not. They were full of guilt and fear, still as soft as ever, still so warm. " But there's n-nothing beautiful in surviving w-what I went through. There's nothing p-poetic in it. It's ugly and awful an-nd scary. " Josh was shaking slightly again, despite the warm water hugging his body. " I'm scared" Tyler felt tears running down his cheeks, mirroring his best friend's tear tracks.

"Me too, J" he gently ran the washing cloth over the drummer's face and whipped his tears." I know it doesn't mean much right now, but if you ever want to talk about anything, I'm always here. I don't want you to carry this whole thing alone."

Josh nodded, but Tyler knew that his friend was far from ready to talk about his experiences and honestly , he wasn't sure he was ready to hear them either.

" I do want to ask you for something though"

" Oh" Tyler was surprised , but it definitely wasn't unpleasant "Yeah, absolutely"

" In the h-hospital there was a boy, we m-met while having dialysis , I think he's like 9 " Tyler wasn't the slightest surprised by that. Kids absolutely adored Josh who by nature and heart was a still as innocent and bright as a child.  " His name is Kevin and he h-has leukemia. Pretty awesome k-kid. But his p-parents have l-left him at the hospital and he d-doesn't know why or w-where they are. " Tyler gaped at that

" What ?? What do you mean they left him ? " Tyler tried to picture having a sick child and walking away. He felt nauseous. " How long has it been since they came to see him ? " Tyler stood up from his crouching position and proceeded in washing Josh off from the soap..

" About a m-month" Josh said shaking his head and gritting his teeth when he had to raise his hands to get rinsed off " They never said goodbye, never called to ask h-how he's d-doing" Josh had tears running down his face again and Tyler felt pain tugging at his heart strings. " How could anyone d-do that ? I mean I get that everyone struggles w-with something, but this is just c-cruel. He's 9 and h-he has cancer a-and now he's all alone " Josh's voice was breaking and shaking.

" I tried to k-keep him company as much as i c-could , but they moved me to another unit and he's probably pretty lonely. Nobody ever c-came to visit him. " Josh wiped his face with wet hand, while Tyler gently helped him get out of the tub and wrapped him up in a towel.

" So I though that m-maybe we could do something for h-him. The nurse told me he didn't have m-much clothes or toys, so I thought that we c-could help him with s-something. " Josh was moved to the wheelchair and Tyler brought him back to his room, with reeling mind and aching heart.  No wonder his best friend was so upset. This sounded like a horrible thing to experience, especially at such a young and fragile age. And knowing Josh's big heart Tyler could picture him sitting on the kid's bed and playing with his crayons, doing all he could in his crippled state to make the little one feel better.

" Jesus Christ Josh, this is just.. I can't imagine it. I bet he felt so alone and abandoned" Tyler helped Josh back to his bed, then moved to the dresser to retrieve some fresh clothes for his friend to put on.

" Yeah I guess I c-could sympathize because I know how that feels " Josh said so quietly Tyler almost missed it. It made him feel incredibly guilty, because his best friend has been lonely for over 8 months and Tyler did nothing more then feel sorry for himself and wallow in his own sorrow, while Josh dealed with the horrible circumstances alone. Abandoned. The word rang in his hear and it made him want to fall to his knees and beg Josh to forgive him. For failing him. For not saving him. Because Tyler knew deep down inside he would never be able to forgive himself.

 

\-----

 

After giving Josh some pain meds he was allowed to have by his doctor and making sure he fell asleep, Tyler stormed out of the house without telling anyone anything and ran as far as his legs could carry him. It wasn't  far, because he hasn't eaten anything since last night and was so exhausted his body was on the verge of falling apart. Slowing down to walking, Tyler breathed through his mouth, pushing down the panic rising in his throat from the lack of air. He didn't know where he was, the streets were empty and the sun hasn't risen above the horizon yet. 

Suddenly feeling 100 years old Tyler stopped walking and crumbled down to the ground, knees hitting the dusty road underneath. 

It was too much. All of it. Josh being held captive and tortured. All the months spent at the hospital, the sleepless nights, the nightmares, the fear, the hopelessness. It was all piling up, snowballing with such brutal force it ended up burying him alive and Tyler couldn't breathe. He couldn't see any light, there was no way out of this situation, nothing he could do to change it or make it better. Josh was hurt and there was no turning back from that. He was hurt inside and out, scarred and broken, wounded both psychically and mentally and Tyler just couldn't stand it. 

" Where are you now huh ??? " Tyler screamed at the sky, that answered with a few cold raindrops landing on his face " Why did you let this happen, God , why ?? Why did you leave him ? How could you ? HOW ?? " Tyler hit the ground with his fists, sending dust and mud in the air " HOW ?" he screamed again, hitting the asphalt even harder and feeling his skin split and throb. "Good" he thought to himself, " You deserve to hurt, you deserve it you deserve it you FUCKING deserve it". He kept hitting until his palms and knuckles were bleeding and mixing with the already wet surface of the ground, washed by the rain falling down on his hunched form.  

With shaking and dirty hands Tyler managed to take his phone out of the pocked of his soaking wet jeans and dialed the first phone that came into mind. 

" Hello? Tyler ?"

"Mom" he cried into the phone upon hearing his mother's worried tone " "Mom, I can't do this anymore " he cried even harder, the tears choking him as they poured out like the rain falling from the grey sky. " I can't, I can't" he kept saying while his mom tried to hush him over the phone, sensing that her son was near a mental breakdown.

"It's okay, honey, it's okay " Tyler couldn't form words from how hard he was crying so he just clutched the phone and sobbed like a little kid. His mom was soothing him, staying as strong as a rock, giving Tyler the sense of safety he craved so much. He never felt safe anymore, always waiting for something bad to happen, for something to go wrong and destroy his world to ashes. He was afraid that Josh will never go back to normal and spend the rest of his life trapped in nightmares and fear. He was terrified that _he_ will never go back to normal, never write another song, never play on stage again, never have kids, never see Josh happy again, every thought so terrifying it chased away his sleep and took away his ability to dream. " It hurts, I know it does, but believe me it won't hurt so much all the time. " it was so hard to believe her words right now, because the pain never lessened, it never left his heart.

" I wish I could say that you get used to see the people you love hurting, but the truth is that you don't. It tears a hole through you whenever you see Josh hurt and it leaves a scar that you will carry for the rest of your life. Your scars are a testament to the love and the relationship you have with that person. And if the scar is deep, so is the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that you can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gauged , and that you can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are testament to life.  Scars are only ugly to people who can't see"  Tyler was still crying, but his mother's words rang in his ears, so loud he swore he could go deaf. He loved Josh so much it was cutting him to the bone seeing him suffer, watching him struggle, it was absolutely unbearable. He didn't even feel scarred, he was wounded inside and bleeding, the pain still fresh and still demanding to ache. But so was Josh. 

Josh who despite everything that could've made him reserved, angry and closed up never stopped being kind and emphatic towards everyone else who suffered. He wanted to shelter thаt little kid who was left all alone to fight with his very difficult life, even though his own life wasn't any easier. And Tyler could already picture Josh trying  to help every single person who was held in captivity with him and how deeply it hurt him that he couldn't save them. 

"Tyler , where are you honey ?" his mother spoke up after the silence that fell between them. 

" I don't know" he forced out, his voice cracking terribly

" Are you having bad thoughts again ? Do you want me to come over ?"  'bad thoughts' usually meant "suicidal thoughts" , but everyone avoided using _that_ word in Tyler's presence these days.  "Where are you ?"

"I- I went out to breathe some fresh air" it was kind of true, he needed to just breathe for a moment, before he went back to Josh's house and do it all over again. He felt broken , almost like someone has shattered him into pieces and glued his broken parts the wrong way. 

" It's raining, Tyler , you should get back inside. Do you want to come over ? Spend the night here with us ?" 

"No, I have to go back to see how Josh is doing. Thanks mom. For everything, I don't know how I'd survive the last year if it wasn't for you and dad" Tyler wiped his face, noticing that the rain has almost stopped, a few drops of water falling down from the sky every now and then. 

"This is what we are here for, Tyler. Don't forget that we love you and will always support you no matter what. Now take care of yourself, honey. Go home and have some rest, okay ? "

"Okay" he sighted and looked at his watch. It was almost morning.

The sun was about to rise and he was about to face another day, despite the feeling just an hour ago like it was absolutely impossible for him to do. And yet here he was. The sun was going to rise and he was going to try again. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly it wasn't supposed to be this long, but it kinda happened and I'm kinda happy with that.  
> Just so you know the story with the ill kid that's being abandoned at the hospital by his parents is unfortunately true :( I came across it while spending time in dialysis unit and it made me incredibly sad, but also made me think that Josh is the kind of person who would want to help him so this happened. 
> 
> Feel free to ask any questions if you have any or leave feedback , because it helps a lot and means SO MUCH TO ME I will never stop saying that. 
> 
> Stay safe guys, all of you are truly amazing |-/


	27. I will carry all your names and I will carry all your shame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's 1 am and I've been writing this all evening, please excuse me if this chapter is a mess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys :) It's time for another update and since I got inspired this evening I wrote the entire chapter in one go, so you have another update earlier then planned. There's a trigger warning for death later in the chapter, but it's not major character or anything like that . Once again read with care especially the second half containing a flashback.

==Title taken from "Johnny Boy" by Twenty one pilots==

 

Tyler has long since lost any concept of time. Sometimes it flew so fast, he could barely catch up with it, leaving him breathless and exhausted. Other times, when things got especially rough it slowed down to a crawl and Tyler spent endless hours wondering if it was moving at all.

So while sitting in the living room, anxiously biting his fingernails and glancing at the clock every few seconds it felt like time has completely stopped to a halt and forgot it had to move ahead at all.  Today was especially nerve wracking day for Tyler because it was Josh’s first psychotherapy session; Pratt has come over in the early afternoon to visit the blue haired man and have a long awaited conversation. The singer knew that his best friend needed counseling and he needed it as soon as possible, if his constant panic attacks and fragile mental state was any sign. Josh was quiet most of the time, which didn’t mean that the two didn’t talk, but the drummer rarely initiated conversations first. That was especially hard on Tyler who saw that as torture – having Josh so close, but not being able to talk to him like he really wanted to, without feeling scared he’ll trigger the drummer or make him feel uncomfortable.  Questions were bubbling in Tyler’ mind one after another, but he was too scared to voice them out loud.  They were all scary questions and the lack of answer was driving him insane. Did Josh want to live ? Did he want to die ? Did he feel guilty ? Did he remember every single detail of his torture or was it all a big blur ? Was Josh scared ? Was he scared of Tyler’s touch ? He honestly didn’t know. His friend was hurting, the singer knew that and it was a lot more than the physical pain and visible scars. Josh had hard time getting used to his new life, where he had to learn things like how to walk again and relied constantly on other people to help him around.

Josh flinched a lot. He flinched from touch, from different sounds or sudden movements and Tyler felt sharp stabbing pain _every single_ time that happened, piercing his heart like a knife. For him it meant that Josh was still afraid of getting hurt, he still expected the pain to come which was very difficult for the singer to get used to. Josh has never been so closed up around Tyler, he never avoided the singer’s touch before and always talked to him when something bothered him. Now though, things were different. Josh was quiet and liked to keep his distance from everyone, never initiating touch on his own and always looking nervous and anxious whenever someone asked him a question. He rarely looked people in the eye and his hands shook all the time.

Josh was experiencing a lot of worrying symptoms, most of them as Pratt has informed Tyler were a result of the long lasting torture, which purpose was to destroy person’s identity, personality, trust and faith in human beings in general.  Tyler didn’t know how much of that has been destroyed in Josh, but the drummer never seemed to be relaxed or content. There was an edge to his every move, like he felt threatened all the time and ready to react in case someone tried to hurt him.  He went to sleep crying and woke up screaming, every night it was a different nightmare haunting him in his sleep and even after he woke up.

One of the few big adjustments they had to make in Josh’s home, which was Pratt’s idea, was the removal of most of the doors in the house. Once, when the two friends talked about Josh and his reactions to the surrounding world,  Tyler mentioned that the drummer shrunk into himself with fear every time someone walked into his room. The brief moment of terror when someone opened the door and walked in sent Josh into a defensive mode, where he’d tried to hide from the intruder. It happened every time, no matter how often or who walked in, he always experienced the same fear and sense of theat.  Pratt told Tyler that his best friend probably associated that action with bad things that happened to him every time someone walked into his cell where he was being held at. The repetition of the said action and the harm and pain that followed has been programmed into his brain and getting rid of that pattern will take long time and effort.  That’s why the best decision at the time was removing the cause of the stress, and simply walk in without a door and with a knock, so that the man wasn’t taken by surprise.

Tyler’s skin rose with goosebumps at the thought of what kind of horror could make a person be terrified of opening doors. And it wasn’t just that. Josh could get triggered by many random things which was difficult to predict and hard to avoid.  It could be a simple word, something that his captors would probably use often while abusing him; hearing it would make Josh visibly flinch and shiver or even send him into a panic attack. Sounds could be triggering as well, especially clinging noises of metal hitting metal or rattle, that resembled the sound of a chain. He was terrified of taking baths or generally being submerged in water. Even hearing water running would scare him sometimes and make him shrink into himself in defense.  

Another thing that absolutely terrified Josh was people standing behind him, where he couldn’t see what they were doing while his brain was probably convinced they are going to hurt him.  Even if it was just Tyler, the presence of someone behind his back where he was vulnerable and unable to protect himself would send him into hysteria , which scared the singer so much he had to recover from the scene for days.  It made sense though. Tyler thought , because a lot of the torture was probably carried out this way, from behind, where Josh couldn’t see what and when will happen to him and keep him on constant edge.  Like whipping. Or a Beating.  Or Rape. Tyler wanted to throw up everything he ever ate in his life just thinking about it.

Josh never asked for anything and Tyler was more bothered by that than he was by anything else. He never asked for food or water or something to do to keep him busy. Never. He only ate when Tyler or his mom brought him food and drank water only when someone gave it to him. Even when he was in pain he never asked for pills or for any sort of help. It was unsettling how Josh seemed to lose control over his own life or how he felt like he had no control over it, despite all of the times Tyler told him that it was okay to ask for stuff. He still never did.

When Pratt finally came over to their house will the promise to do absolutely everything in his power to help, as a professional and as a friend who wanted to see Josh healthy again, Tyler felt some sort of relief and hope that maybe, just maybe his best friend had a chance to get better.  Sitting in the empty living room was driving him mad and it took Tyler’s entire self-control not to run to Josh’s room and eavesdrop their conversation.

 He fiddled with his bandaged hands , the scratches and cuts from the time he lost his chill and tried to destroy the asphalt underneath his hands reminded him of how helpless and small he actually was , how little control he had over what was happening in his life. When Josh saw his hands and asked him with wide and fearful eyes what happened to them , Tyler lied to him about falling and cutting them on something sharp. Josh didn’t believe him, but never questioned him further and Tyler felt both relieved and guilty. Josh had plenty of stuff on his mind already and didn’t need to know that Tyler was mentally instable as well. He was the healthy one, the strong one, the one who had to help Josh and support him, not burdening him with his own baggage.  But Tyler still felt bad for lying and the guilt was probably written all over his face. He could never lie to Josh anyway.

Feeling like he would explode if he had to sit for another minute on the goddamn sofa, Tyler stood up with a sight, but the sound of footsteps coming from Josh’s room made his knees go weak so he sat back down.  Pratt walked into the living room , looking tense and worried with his eyebrows knitted together and his mouth pushed into a thin line. Tyler’s heart leaped all the way to his throat, blocking his airways and effectively choking him. If Pratt looked so worried then things were definitely not good. Not that Tyler expected good, but this looked borderline hopeless. He sat on the sofa and waited.

The doctor stayed quiet for a moment, before sitting down against the singer and putting his notepad on the table in front of him. Tyler held his breath and waited for him to talk.

“Tyler, you do realize that I can’t determine his condition or give a diagnosis from just one session, right ?” his tone was serious and even, which made Tyler shiver for some reason. He didn’t like where Pratt was going.

“ Yes”

“ As I suspected , Josh does show various symptoms that make me think he does have Complex post-traumatic stress disorder . As I already told you, this more complex and severe form of PTSD is caused by long and repeated psychological and physical abuse and torture , which makes it a lot more difficult to treat and recover from, compared to the original PTSD. “ Tyler swallowed, but his throat was dry and burning. “ I know that this will sound very scary and upsetting, but I’m going to use the medical term for his condition, which of course like I said is not final and will need further examination. It’s called “mental death” and occurs in the context of totalitarian control, which is characterized by entrapment and wanton harm-doing by people to people. While there are many different forms of totalitarian control and each form is associated with mental death, totalitarian control is most fully and most horrifically exemplified by the experience of torture. Torture entails the deliberate infliction of severe physical and mental pain and suffering through cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment and punishment. Torture methods can be selected to maximize changes to personality, core beliefs, and the ability to trust others. “ Tyler felt tears in his eyes and his ears were ringing so loud he could barely hear Pratt talk. He was scared. He has always been scared of death, not the one that takes your body and makes your flesh rot. There’s another way to die, long before your body stops functioning. That one was scaring the living hell out of Tyler.

“People who have experienced mental death as a result of torture are very likely to meet diagnostic criteria for PTSD but they are also likely to experience additional symptoms. The so-called “torture syndrome” is marked by existential dilemma, guilt, shame, distrust, attachment problems, damage to beliefs about safety and justice, and somatization. “ Pratt finished and looked up at Tyler with concerned eyes. “ Listen, Tyler, I’ve treated victims of torture before and I’ve seen what it does to people’s minds. Those people, who kept him there intended to destroy him as a human being, so even if he managed to survive somehow, he would never be a wholesome and productive person again. Believe me, there are many ways to die while being kept in a camp like the one Josh has been  kept in and the fact that he has survived that long tells me that his captors _wanted_ him to survive. They’ve kept him just barely alive, so that he could suffer the consequences of their actions, so that he wouldn’t die before they were done with him.  “ Tyler had a hand clapped shut on his mouth, while his other hand was balled in a fist so tight, his nails dug into his palm. Hearing all of this made his blood boil and hate rise in his gut.  Pratt was so vague while talking about it, but they were talking about Josh, his best friend and closest person on Earth.

“ So … “ Tyler started, but his throat was too dry and it hurt to speak “ What do we do ? How do we help him ?”

“ I will come again tomorrow, if Josh is up to it. After all we can’t force anything on him, especially now. And I will keep coming . Hopefully he will open up to me in time, because right now he’s too traumatized to talk. I didn’t push him and after all it is our first session, there’s time for everything when he’s ready. Regarding of what I can do for him right now – I can prescribe him antidepressants , which will help with his panic attacks and reduce his sense of chronic fear. “ Tyler nodded, because after all it was something. And if it did help Josh even a little bit, they should definitely go for it “ The good thing in this whole terrible situation is that Josh has one person he trusts and that is you, Tyler. Usually in such severe cases of c-PTSD victims lose their ability to trust other people. In our case that’s not completely true, so we need to use that in our advantage. “

“Yes, Pratt, I will do absolutely anything, just tell me what to do  and I’ll do it “ it came out desperate , but that’s exactly what Tyler was so it didn’t matter.

“ What you need to do is talk to him , share something very personal with him, something that will show trust. He needs to see that you trust him unconditionally, so if you have something in mind, I’d suggest you to try. Maybe he will respond by telling you something too, something he’d only tell a person he trusts.  “

“Okay” Tyler nodded furiously, already trying to think of something personal to share that Josh doesn’t know about.  It had to be something that happened after Josh disappeared, because there was a lot happening that the drummer didn’t know about and honestly Tyler never talked to anyone about his depression and suicidal filled nights and days.  “ I will do anything, Pratt. Absolutely fucking anything just to help Josh, you know that “

“I know” the doctor gave him a look full of sympathy and nodded “ this is exactly why I’m talking to you about it. Just …. give Josh some time after we’re done, alright ? Our little talk has probably affected him and he needs some time to calm down and relax “ that didn’t sound good at all and Tyler nodded weakly, even though he knew that he’d be running to Josh’s room the minute Pratt walks out of the door.

“ Tyler “ he looked up and rubbed the tears in his eyes away “ I need you to be patient. Progress will be slow, but don’t forget that it’s still progress. Sometimes it takes years to reduce the symptoms of c-PTSD and sometimes they don’t completely go away. But even if they don’t , a person can still  learn to live with them and keep them under control. Me and you and all of his friends and family will help Josh do that.  But we need to be patient and give him time. This won’t happen over night and it won’t be painless or easy “ Tyler could feel the tears run down his face despite all of his efforts to keep then at bay. He couldn’t handle hearing all of this without breaking

“I know, but .. but .. I can’t stand seeing him like this. I look at him and he looks like Josh, but … he isn’t Josh, because Josh always smiles and he never smiles, he never smiles and I never smile anymore either.. “ Tyler was babbling into his hands and Pratt quickly got up and moved to his side, hugging him closely.

“ If you need to let it out, do it. Don’t keep anything inside, Tyler, don’t bottle up your feelings. “ Tyler nodded, but didn’t lose his composure entirely, not letting the sobs out of his chest.

“ I know, I’m okay “ Tyler sat up from where he was leaning on his friend’s shoulder and rubbed his face. “ I’ll be fine. We need to worry about Josh right now, I’ll be okay”

“ You need to take care of yourself too, Ty, don’t forget that “ he patted Tyler on the shoulder and stood up “ Are you sure you’re alright ? Do you want to talk ? “ Of course the shrink in Pratt was talking and Tyler smiled and shook his head

“Nah, I’ll  be fine. Thank you for stopping by. I’ll check on Josh later and let you know how he’s doing”

“Okay, Ty. Take care” the two hugged and Tyler walked Pratt out of the house. Closing the door he leaned on it, feeling exhausted and suddenly very scared, having Pratt’s words on repeat. He called Josh’s condition “mental death”. If Josh was dead inside could they really help him ? Was he lost ? Gone ? Dead ?? Tyler rubbed his eyes again and pushed himself away from the door. He needed to see how Josh was doing. Despite what Pratt told him about leaving the drummer alone, he just couldn’t do it. He needed to see his best friend.

Slowly Tyler walked down the corridor to Josh room which was dark and quiet. The lights were off and the curtains completely down. When he glanced inside he didn’t see his friend in his bed and panic flared inside of Tyler’s ribcage like a wildfire.  He walked quickly into the room to look around and heard a noise coming from the bed’s direction. Then it hit him.

Josh did this often, especially earlier on while staying at the hospital. When things got too much and he felt too exposed and scared to lie on the bed, he’d slide down to the floor and shelter himself underneath it.  Tyler’s heart slowed down it’s erratic beating and he felt guilty for running inside like that, probably scaring Josh underneath the bed. He slowly kneeled down and then leaned on his hands,  lowering himself to the floor in order to look under the bed. Of course Josh was there, pressing his back against the wall like he usually did when fear overtook him.  It must’ve been a memory the session brought back, judging by his squeezed eyes and shaking body.

Tyler stayed silent , not wanting to scare Josh further and disturb his peace. In the silence of the room he could hear Josh murmuring something . Crawling just a little bit closer , Tyler strained his ears to hear what Josh was saying, which felt completely wrong, but curiosity won over common sense.  It sounded like Josh repeated a couple of words over and over again. It wasn’t clear or loud enough to be heard properly, but Tyler’s blood froze in his veins , because he understood enough.

“ He’s d-dead” Josh whispered into the darkness “ He’s dead” he wasn’t crying, it sounded more like choking, like he was trying to say something , but the words got stuck in his throat. “ I killed him “ he said it over and over again “ I k-killed him and h-he’s dead” Burying his face in his knees Josh kept saying “He’s dead” and rocked back and forth. “ He’s dead”.

 

 

 

_Josh woke up to the worst pain he could ever remember experiencing, dancing all along his body and setting it up on fire. Even after spending months ( he didn’t know exactly but it felt like months) being tortured and getting used to waking up from all sorts of pain this was somehow worse. His head was splitting in half, the headache so bad it made him want to vomit. His skin was burning and he felt hot, something absolutely impossible in his freezing cold cell. Must’ve been fever. His entire body was shaking, even though he didn’t feel cold at all. Something was happening inside of him, because Josh felt wrong, like there was something underneath his skin that crawled and twisted. His stomach was hurting badly, the painful spasms making him groan into the ground._

_He tried to move from his current position of lying on his stomach , but the burn in his muscles stopped him and made him groan again. Something was definitely wrong with him and it scared him a lot. Getting sick in these conditions meant slow and very painful death and he didn’t want to die like that. But without medications things could get a lot worse . There was no way for him to get medication because those bastards would never allow it, so Josh had to deal with whatever was happening on his own._

_Slowly turning around, Josh sat up and immediately threw up , his stomach hurting even more now. He got food as rare as once in 3 or 4 days ,so throwing it back out was a luxury he couldn’t afford. His eyes watered, from the pain in his stomach and the burn in his throat and mouth. The stomach acids were burning him inside out and there was no water to wash them out. His mouth felt disgusting and the stench that filled the room was even worse. Gagging , Josh lied back down, trying to take his mind off the awful smell and the pain that seemed to overtake his entire body._

_Josh was miserable. The nausea never stopped pushing him to throw up, but there was nothing left in his stomach so he just dry heaved. The fever seemed to get higher and higher as time went by and when it finally hit its highest point Josh literally couldn’t see anything from the pain and haze. He knew that his captors didn’t come to his cell for a while ( probably a few days, he had no clue) which means that they knew that he was sick and left him there to suffer on his own._

_After another day ( or more) Josh noticed a red rash appearing on his skin, spreading all the way from his arms down his chest and all over his legs. It itched and hurt at the same time, irritating Josh to the point of screaming. It was unbearable, lying on the freezing hard ground for hours and hours, imagining all the horrifying ways he could die and praying for someone to bring him water, because the thirst was almost unbearable._

_His prayers were almost answered, when someone finally came to his cell, the usual terrifying sound of rubber boots hitting concrete and promising more pain. Josh held his breath when the cell door was opened, his body stiffened and tensed, eyes tightly shut. He waited for someone to kick him or haul him up, throw him out of his cell and into another one where he will be tortured until they got bored, but it didn’t happen. Instead a dull thud of a body hitting the floor echoed, followed by a groan and a kick to someone’s stomach. Josh was too scared to open his eyes, so he waited for the guards to walk out, their boots echoing in the corridor and signaling their departure. Once again no water and no food for him. They were probably testing how long he can last without neither and how long it will take for him to dry like a branch of a dead tree from lack of water._

_He felt movement to his right and instinctively pushed himself against the wall, body shaking from fever and fear. A soft voice followed the movement, but Josh couldn’t understand a word. Either he was too sick or the person spoke in  language he didn’t speak. Daring to open his eyes, Josh peeked to his right, but his vision was so blurry he could only recognize a figure, but saw no detail of the person. The figure moved again and Josh’s back was pressed even firmer to the wall behind him as an instinct, eyes desperately trying to see who was sitting on the ground of his cell._

_After a couple of minutes of quiet speaking Josh finally realized that the man was speaking French. He must be another reporter or volunteer like himself, captured and stuffed in the tiny cell like some kind of animal. Another person who will die right next to him or in front of him. Another toy for their captors to have fun with. Josh felt sad and sick at the same time. Poor guys didn’t know what was waiting for him in between these for walls._

_Josh tried to make a sound, but his voice was too damaged from all the screaming and yelling, so all that came out of his mouth was a groan. The man next to him reacted though and moved closer, as if to try and understand what Josh was trying to say. The drummer shook his head. He was sick and it could be contagious. The conditions he was held at were so inhuman it would be no surprise if he got typhus or something of that sort. Something contagious and dangerous for everyone near him._

_Josh raised his hand in attempt to stop the French guy to move and closer to him, but he was already sitting close, stretching his hand to touch Josh’s temple. The hand that swiped over his forehead was cool and the sensation felt amazing against his burning skin. The person must’ve caught up on that, because he kept stroking him with his cold hand and switching with the other one when it got warm. Josh relaxed, enjoying the feeling of coolness and somebody else’s care. The guys was murmuring something, blowing cold air into the drummer’s face, wiping the sweat off his forehead. It was calming and Josh was lulled into a slumber, but still felt his head being pulled up from the ground and put on someone’s knees. He slept._

_Next time Josh woke up  he was alone in the cell and in more pain then before. His kidneys were hurting, which was even worse than the headache splitting his head in two.  It was agony, burning his lower back, belly and hips and making him sob from how intense it was. He briefly wondered what happened to the French guy from the night before, but the answer was probably ugly and awful so he didn’t ponder on it. Josh hoped he ‘d come back. Having another human being close was a luxury he has long since lost. Having it back was a gift, but could also be a curse. Hopefully the man was still alive._

_After long excruciating hours of lying In a helpless heap on the ground, the french guy was brought back, or more like thrown back into the cell. Josh didn’t even have the strength to flinch or move back against the wall so he just laid unmoving on the floor. Someone was moving next to him, the movement followed by a hand in his hair and murmuring in french. Josh wished he spoke french._

_It seemed like the guards has forgotten that Josh existed at all. They didn’t take him out of the cell like they usually did, didn’t feed him or give him water or acknowledge him in any way. It was scary how much Josh wanted them to, because existing like this was even worse than the torture. He was slowly dying and nobody noticed that. They will probably leave his corpse to rot for weeks in the cell after his body finally gave up on fighting and stopped functioning. They’ve done that before with other victims, so why would he be different._

_So when one day the guards opened the cell door and walked straight to barely awake Josh he was shocked they turned their attention to him. One of the guards hauled him by the hand roughly and Josh groaned and gasped from the pain that exploded in his head. His body defused to cooperate, so he hung limp in the man’s grip, only being held up by his bruising hold._

_A splash of freezing water hit Josh in the face and shocked him out of the haze, forcing his eyes to open and focus somewhat. Another guard was holding a gun in his hand and a third one was pinning the french guy to the ground. Spluttering and coughing Josh doubled over, the pain in his stomach and kidneys too much to bear. The guard holding the gun outstretched his hand and turned the handle towards Josh, as an invitation to take it.  Even in the painful haze his mind was in, the thought of holding a gun and **using it** against someone terrified him. _

_“Take it” one of the guards said and pushed the handle of the gun into the drummer’s hand. He held  the weapon in loos grip, the iron too heavy. “ If you shoot the french guy you will have medicine and water “ it took a couple of seconds to realize what they wanted from him and Josh shook his head furiously. He couldn’t kill another man to save his own life. That was unfair and wrong and he couldn’t do it._

_“ You have a fatal disease. It will kill you slowly if you don’t get medicine “ yes, of course they knew he was sick and of course they will use it somehow against him. Now he knew why they kept him isolated and left him alone._

_“ Your fingers will get gangrene and fall off. Your kidneys will slowly stop working, followed by your lungs and then your heart. It will take weeks for you to die “ Josh shook his head again, because he didn’t want to hear it. His head was hurting so bad that he couldn’t even see the french guy on the ground let alone shoot him. Squeezing his eyes shut he gritted his teeth against the pain in his kidneys, but it was so great it didn’t help. Everything was hurting and blurring into a white hot agony, his mind slowly shutting down and surrendering to the pain. He could feel the cold gun in his hand and someone else’s hand gripping his._

_“ Pull the trigger and you will have medicine and water “ someone whispered in his ear, encouraging him to kill  “The pain will end, all you have to do is pull the trigger. The bastard is almost dead anyway” Josh couldn’t think from the pain, but he was so thirsty he could cut his own leg to get some water. A voice in his head was saying “do it or you will die” along with the voice in his ear promising him mercy if he did as told. Whatever made his finger move was stronger than him, because Josh didn’t want to kill anyone; he’d rather die than take somebody else’s life. But his finger was on the trigger and before he could react or stop himself the loud bang rang in his ears , followed by a thud and a laugh._

_Opening his eyes in horror, Josh could see the figure lying in a puddle of crimson blood and the gun in his hand. It smelled like something has burned , a thin cloud of smoke flying in the air and slowly disappearing. He did it. He actually pulled the trigger and killed someone. He killed another person, an innocent man who didn’t deserve any of this happening to him. Sobbing, Josh curled up on himself and the guards let him, stepping back and laughing at the sight in front of them. He killed someone to save himself. He didn’t deserve to live, he deserved all of the pain he felt right now and more. The guilt that twisted in his lungs expended to a point of exploding and Josh cried and cried, face buried in his hands , guards long since gone, leaving him with the dead corpse all alone. Even if he survived all of this , he will never feel **alive.** His body might survive the torture, but his soul was dead. _

Tyler stumbled out of Josh’s room, a feeling of dread and fear overtaking his mind. Maybe Josh was just hallucinating, seeing things that weren’t there or experiencing things that didn’t happen.  Maybe he was delirious and not in his right mind.  But what if what he said was actually true? Did he really do that? No, no way Josh could kill another person, that’s ridiculous.  Tyler pulled his own hair in attempt to focus on something else. Why did he have to go there when Pratt told him not to? Why was he so goddamn curious?

Tyler was pulled out of his desperate thoughts when his phone rang loudly in the quiet house and startled him.

“Hello?” Tyler answered with still shaky voice.

“Tyler you need to get over to my house right now “ it was Mark and he sounded panicked.

“Wait what ? What happened ?” it was weird hearing his friend so frantic, Mark was usually the calm one .

“Please, Tyler just get to my house as soon as possible “There was a pause and Tyler actually thought that Mark has hung up on him when he spoke again. “ Remember the videos you once mentioned? The ones Richard sent you?

“What? Yes, what about them? “Now Tyler was panicking. Judging by the edge in Mark’s tone something really bad has happened.

“They are all over the internet, Tyler.  Someone leaked them “

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhh cliffhanger :)) I wanted to fit it in one chapter, but this one ended up being almost 6k so I had to split. Hopefully it was okay. I'm sleep deprived and tired, so excuse me if there are any mistakes. 
> 
> I wanted to ask you guys what do you prefer reading more - flashbacks of what happened to Josh in captivity or how he recovers and copes with his feelings afterwards ? I enjoy writing both, but It's really important for me to know what you guys as readers want to see more. The same goes for the point of view - which one is more interesting to you - Tyler's or Josh's ? It will help a lot if you could leave a comment :)
> 
> Thank you once again to everyone who supported this story and gave me more motivation to write by leaving their thoughts and suggestions. You never fail to put a smile on my face, honestly <3
> 
> My tumblr is [i-m-a-goner-takeitslow](http://i-m-a-goner-takeitslow.tumblr.com/)


	28. The end can't come soon enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You will all hate me for this

===Title is taken from "Pantaloon" by Twenty One Pilots ===

 

Josh woke up with a start, feeling the sweat run down his forehead and wet his fading blue hair. His body was shaking underneath the warm blanket for a reason unknown even to himself. He wasn’t cold and it wasn’t very likely he had fever. But his hands shook so hard he could barely touch his index fingers together when he rose his hands from where they were lying on the bed.  His body hurt all over,reminding Josh of the abuse it suffered and making him wince from the movement in his arms. God his shoulders hurt like hell. Groaning, he lifted his arms closer to his face to inspect them.

He stared at his hands and the more he looked at them , the more they seemed stained with blood. “ This can’t be real” Josh thought to himself, but the crimson was now dripping off his shaking fingers and onto the white sheets, making him shake even harder.

“Why did you kill me ?” a voice made him jump and his hands instinctively flew to hide his face “ Why ? Didn’t I help you ? “ the voice demanded, making Josh’s eyes water

“I’m sorry” he whispered, seeing a shadow move in the corner of the room. “ God, I d-didn’t mean to do it, I s-swear” he kept babbling, his voice shaking so hard it was almost impossible to understand . The figure moved from the shadows and started crawling towards his bed, slowly and threatening.  When it got closer Josh could see the hole in its head and the blood drying around it. It was a person, a man,  whose face was blurry and lacking any particular detail, but still Josh knew who this person was.

_The dead body was lying unmoving on the ground, the blood seeping out of the corpse’s head has already formed a puddle underneath, which grew bigger as minutes flew by. Josh was curled up in the further corner of the room, as far as he  possibly could from the bleeding body, pressing his back to the wall and shaking with fear and_ _guilt_ _. They made him kill someone and left him alone with his dead body. This was inhuman, human beings didn’t do things like these to other humans. Josh hadn’t felt human for a long time._

“I’m so sorry “ Josh felt his insides turning into liquid lava when the memories of pulling the trigger and hearing the body thud heavily on the ground consumed his shaking form. “ Please” he begged “ Please forgive me” but the man laughed, a gurgling sound escaping his mouth and more blood seeped out of it.

“Forgive you ? You shot me ! You killed me to save yourself you selfish trash ! “the man screamed and Josh had to clasp his hands over his ears to stop the horrible sound

“I’m sorry “ Josh kept saying over and over again” I’m sorry,I’m sorry” but his hands couldn’t stop the voice from drilling into his mind, repeating again and again.

 “You killed me, you killed me to save yourself and now you don’t deserve to live “

_The pain in his entire body has reached its boiling point and Josh was wailing. Every cell of his body was screaming and twisting, the agony reaching all the way to his fingertips. This was the worst way to die, Josh thought, because it’s been like this for long hours and the long awaited death wasn’t arriving.  Neither were the guards who promised him medicine in exchange for killing an innocent person which he did and the mere thought of that fact was making him want to slit his own throat._

“I was w-weak “ Josh whispered pressing his head to knees which were pulled to his chest as far as they can go “ I was sick, I didn’t know w-what I was doing. I didn’t mean to do it, I s-swear “ but the guilt swelling in his stomach wouldn’t reduce no matter how many times he apologized. There was no turning back from killing someone and words did absolutely nothing to change

“You are pathetic” the figure answered him with a sneer “ You survived while so many of us didn’t and now you’re being a pathetic little mess, huh ? Is this the best you can do ?

“ Yes “ his hands were fisted in his hair, eyes closed tightly shut while Josh tried to breathe his way through the suffocating feeling of failure and regret that washed over him.  He survived physically , but what was the point when inside he was long since gone ? His heart was beating and lungs were working, but he felt nothing but shame and guilt. All he could be was a burden to his family, to Tyler and everyone who ever loved him.

_When the guards came in Josh felt relieved for once since he first got thrown inside the tiny cell. Maybe they came to finish him once and for all, deciding he’s too used up and useless at this point. Oh he hoped for that. Josh didn’t want to be saved at this point, the prospect of living after taking somebody else’s life was absolutely unbearable for him. He wanted to die, he wanted it so badly he was ready to beg for it. If only they left him the loaded gun ….._

“Maybe you should just kill yourself “ the man was now right next to his bed, judging by how close his voice sounded. Josh was still too scared to open his eyes and kept them squeezed , but it was no use, because the image of the limp unmoving body was engraved in his mind and there was no escaping that. “ Stop being a coward and do it. Make it easier on yourself and everyone around you. Don’t you see how much you’re hurting them ? Tyler also has nightmares now thanks to you “ the voice kept taunting Josh who was on the verge of completely breaking apart.  “ I bet he wishes you were dead instead of this pathetic excuse for living” this made Josh sob,  the words cutting deep wounds all over his heart. Death was definitely better than existing like this. And it would be so much easier for Tyler to just bury him and accept the fact that Josh is dead and move on with his life.  Anything would be better than  _ **this.**_

Josh cried, drowning down the voice telling him to kill himself and end everyone’s misery. He didn’t want to listen to it, but it was difficult to ignore the words that sounded cruel but so very true.  Crying only made him feel even more pathetic and useless and he was scared that Tyler or his parents will hear him and get even more upset. 

Turning around to lie on his stomach, Josh pushed his face into the pillow to muffle his sobs. How was he supposed to get passed all the guilt and self-hatred that raged inside of him? The therapist who came over to see Josh yesterday told him that he could help him move on and accept what happened to him, but doesn’t accepting mean agreeing with it ? And the guilt he felt wasn’t just from what he had done while being in captivity, but afterwards too.

 His father now suffered from hypertension and had heart problems, all results from the stress Josh has caused after he was rescued. His mother was on antidepressants , a fact everyone tried to hide from him ,but he knew because he knew his mom too well. Ashley left her work overstate to come and help at the house , because neither of his parents could handle the housework right now. And his youngest sister Abigail was too deeply affected of seeing her brother in the state he was in, so she came rarely and always left very upset.  Jordan studied in another state and came over every once in a while, but his visits were always tough and too emotionally draining.  Josh was struggling to talk , especially when the emotions got too much for him. In those moments his mouth would lose all contact with his brain and no matter how hard he tried to produce a sound it never came out of his throat.  This happened last time his brother came to see him and they sat in silence , Jordan trying to start a conversation with him, but failing every time. And the worst part was that Josh couldn’t explain to him why he didn’t talk and that it wasn’t that he didn’t  _want to,_  he just physically couldn’t.

And Tyler … he messed up Tyler’s entire life which is something he would probably never stop feeling guilty about.  And no matter how many times his best friend told him that it wasn’t his fault he always felt like it was.  They could’ve been on tour right now, playing shows every night to their amazing crowds of devoted fans.  They could be recording their new album , write new songs, travel the world. But it was very likely they will never do either of those things  , all because of Josh’s carelessness and stubbornness.  He was the one who left in the first place. The idea to become a volunteer was spontaneous, but it was something he wanted to do with all of his heart. Looking back at it now, Josh didn’t regret helping those poor people in Syria, but the bottom line was that he hurt more people than the ones he managed to save. 

Their fans, the clique, were probably devastated. They were like one big family and Josh going missing must’ve affected them in a big way. He was afraid of going online, because seeing their fans upset has always been hard, especially now when he was the source of their grief. All of those people hurting, it was on Josh’s conscience. They were supposed to help their fans , not bring more pain to their lives.  Josh knew he would never forgive himself for betraying them like that.

The pillow underneath his face was wet and his body kept shaking from emotions that stormed inside of him.  Josh wanted to tear himself apart, to rip his hair out and peel his skin off, he hated himself so much.  Maybe the nasty voices telling him to kill himself were right. He didn’t deserve all the help and care anyway. People were just wasting their time with him, trying to rebuild something that was long gone, so destroyed the pieces would never fit back together.  No matter how much Tyler and his family loved him, they couldn’t bring him back.

 

\--------

The moment Tyler ran out of his house holding the car keys tightly in his hand did he realize how serious the whole situation really was. 

Outside of his house was a complete chaos. There were reporters and paparazzi, people with cameras, microphones and cell phones, all going absolutely nuts when they saw Tyler walking out of the front door.  He stopped in his tracks, panic and fear rising up in his throats when he saw dozens , maybe  _hundreds_ of people for all he knew , crowded outside of his house and turning their attention towards him.  He probably looked like deer in headlights , his eyes wide in shock and unblinking. And just like that, the next second everything was happening all at once, the entire mass of people moving towards him and stretching their cameras and phones towards Tyler’s face, drowning him in questions and noises.

“Tyler have you seen the videos that got leaked of Josh being tortured ? “ someone asked him and Tyler wanted to scream at them to leave him alone, but his brain has forgotten how to form words all of a sudden.

“ How did seeing your best friend  get almost hung to death make you feel ? Do you think he’s still alive ? “ someone else added, the questions coming in one after another, not letting Tyler catch his breath.

“ Do you think Josh is dead ?”

“ Are you concerned about the fact that basically the entire world has seen Josh in such a vulnerable state ? “

“ Have you heard from his family ? Do you know how they feel about this ?”

The questions didn’t stop and Tyler suddenly felt like he was suffocating. His vision was blurring and the sounds that came from everywhere were literally drowning him. People were pushing and pulling, trying to get closer and ask their question and all Tyler could do was try not to fall into a full blown panic attack.

“ I…” he started, but someone else was shouting over him, people blocking his way to his car and making him feel trapped. “ I-I need to get to my car, please” his voice was quiet and he wasn’t sure anyone heard him over the hell breaking lose in front of him.

Tyler tried to push through the crowd, but the paparazzi were relentless. Nobody let him through, instead they tried to get even closer to him and stepping into his personal space. Anger boiled inside of him, clouding his mind and making his hands shake.

“ Just let me trough” Tyler screamed, pushing at people but this time for real. “ Get away” he shouted, putting his hands in front of him in attempt to move forward. People were taking pictures of him while he struggled to move through the packed crowd, panicking and out of breath. This was one of the worst moments in his life and Tyler was both angry and terrified, feeling claustrophobic and helpless.

His phone rang again and it was Mark, he probably wondered what took Tyler so long to get to his house. He somehow managed to get to his car, the entire crowd of people following him there.

“Tyler tell us a few words about how you feel “ a woman asked and pushed her phone straight to Tyler’s face almost hitting him in the eye.  The singer felt something snap inside of him at the bluntness of the question and the carelessness of the tone the woman used. It felt like they were asking him what he thought about the weather or a basketball match result, forgetting that Tyler was a  _human being who had feelings_ and Josh wasn’t a toy people can just play with.

“You wanna know how I feel ? “ Tyler screamed, his voice breaking terribly from how hard he was fighting back tears from escaping his tired eyes.  “ I hate this ! I hate how Josh, this amazing, loving and kind hearted person , who has never done anything wrong in his life has to suffer so much. I can’t stand it ! “ Tyler’s voice has gotten high pitched, dripping with pain and anguish. Everyone went quiet . “ And I fucking hate how all of you are making a show out of his suffering. He’s a person, are you people forgetting that ?? “ Tyler felt his heart beating out of his chest with rabbit pulse, the words slipping out of his mouth before he could thing them through. A couple of people actually looked ashamed of themselves, seeing the rawness of Tyler’s emotions and probably realizing they went too far. Others though kept sticking their microphones to his face in attempt to record every word he said.

Opening his car door the singer slipped inside as fast as he could and breathe out a sigh. His head was hurting badly and his heart was still racing inside his chest. This was his worst nightmare, from the moment he learned about the video’s existence he feared the possibility of them being put out there for the whole world to see. For Josh’s parents, siblings and friends to see. To humiliate him even further and take away the smallest bit of privacy he still had left. There was a reason Tyler and Mark decided to keep it quiet about Josh being found alive and brought back home to recover.  He knew full well how disgusting and insensitive people could be, especially the ones in the media, who would not miss an opportunity to make a shiny headline out of somebody’s pain just to draw attention and get more reads.  Josh was a private person, someone who never liked having his personal life on display and always fought to keep his family, friends and relationships close to himself and out of the spotlight. His best friend was a shy and very sensitive person, someone who got hurt easily and carried the hurt inside quietly and stoically. If Josh found himself in the middle of a media scandal and had his suffering put on display like, for everyone to see and discuss , he would probably never get passed it.

Turning up the engine, Tyler slowly moved away from the people surrounding the house and pulled out his cellphone.  First he called Mark to tell him he’s coming, describing the horrible situation he had to encounter  that slowed him down. Then he dialed Jenna’s number, needing to hear her voice right now more than anything.

“Hey baby “ she said softly upon picking up

“ Hey Jen” his voice was  still shaking and there was no hiding how upset the singer was. His wife instantly picked up on that and asked

“ What’s up ? Is something wrong ? Is Josh alright ? “ Tyler rubbed his face with his other hand and tried to contemplate an answer. Jenna didn’t know about the videos existence and the news about them leaking will probably shock her.

“ Yeah, Josh is fine … I just.. I just wanted to hear you “ his voice cracked at “you”

“ Baby, I know you, I know that something is wrong. Please tell me what’s happening ? “ Tyler took a deep breath, searching for the right words to explain this whole mess

“ It’s really long story and there’s no time to get into details right now, but  … I just wanted to warn you that there will be a lot of media attention right now and you should be careful okay ? “ he knew that Jenna had 1000 questions already forming in her head, but she stayed quiet and said a small “okay”.  “I’ll explain everything later, but right now I need to go see Mark, it’s very important. “

“Okay” she said again, her voice full of worry

“Where are you now ?”

“ At the hospital “ she answered “ I came to visit Kevin, the boy that Josh befriended and brought him some stuff” 

“Oh” Tyler felt a pang of sadness pulling at his heart at the thought of the lonely ill boy, waiting for his parents to come see him , but being greeted with loneliness instead.  He told Jenna about Kevin and how much that meant to Josh and she reacted instantly, talking to all of her friends who had kids and gathered some stuff from them and also bought some stuff on her own. 

“ Okay, take your time there, but be careful when you leave. There might be cameras outside of the hospital if they’ve figured out where you are. Just stay safe, love”

“ Okay, baby “ she still sounded worried, but her tone has softened “ Stay safe too”

“Love you” he said because it was the truest statement in the entire universe.

“ Love you too, Ty” she said and they both hung up. Tyler’s heart was clenching in his chest, a dread as heavy as lead crushing his shoulders at the thought of  _the_ videos .

 Were they even the same three videos he had on his laptop ? What if there were more of those ? His hands were shaking, but he turned on the engine again and drove slowly towards Mark’s house , gripping the steering wheel hard, with a a brain full of horrifying images that wouldn’t go away. He remembered reading the descriptions that Richard wrote for him in the e-mail and his heart dropped even lower in his stomach. One of them had sexual nature and the thought of that footage being out there absolutely horrified him. God it was humiliating and utterly disgusting and something Josh absolutely didn’t deserve. 

Tyler drove as fast as his shaking hands and blurry vision would allow him, ignoring the constant beeping of notifications and ringing of his phone. Social media must be blowing up right now as the videos were probably being shared and discussed by everyone. Tyler wished the internet didn’t exist. It only helped the things get even worse and right now that’s definitely not what they needed. In a matter of hours the entire world will have seen the videos. Well except for Josh himself. The mere thought of his best friend witnessing his own torture made the hair on his back stand up in horror.

Tyler jumped out of the car as soon as he found a spot to park in front of his friend’s house and looked around for paparazzi or cameras hiding somewhere. Seeing none he moved to Mark’s door and knocked a couple of times, the older one opening almost instantly.

Mark looked as worried and freaked out as Tyler himself, his eyebrows furrowed deeply and eyes shining with unshed tears.  He was pale and looked exhausted telling Tyler that his friend must’ve watched the videos, or at least some parts of them.

“Hey Ty, come on in” he said with thin and slightly higher pitched voice, reaching out to hug Tyler as soon as the latter came in.

The two embraced, both in need of comfort. The situation was truly terrible and they needed to figure out how to react to it and what to do. But first ….

“ Did you watch them , Mark ?“ Tyler let go of Mark and looked him in the eye, searching for the truth.

“ I .. uh .. yeah I watched one of the videos, but not until the end. I couldn’t, it was … “ Mark closed his eyes, visibly shaken by what he saw, which made Tyler’s legs weaken underneath him.  “ It’s horrible “ Mark finished, shaking his head “ What they did to Josh… it’s absolutely horrible. And it’s all over the place, Ty, they have uploaded it everywhere. YouTube, Vimeo, DayliMail , every single video –hosting website you can think of. “ Mark closed the door and lead Tyler towards his living room where his laptop lay opened on the table. “ There’s also a video posted on facebook that gathered over 50 thousand shares and over a million views only in a couple of hours. It has been taken down, but it’s too late now. “ Mark finished and sat down on the sofa, holding his head in his hands.

“ How many videos are out there ? “ Tyler asked scared of the answer

“ Three I think “

“ Oh God “ Tyler whispered and closed his eyes  “ What are we going to do, Mark ? How do we handle this? What do we do ?? “ he desperately wished this whole things was just a terrible nightmare , one he would wake up from any minute now.

“ Ty, please, for the love of God don’t watch them okay ? “ Mark sounded on the verge of tears  “ I already regret doing it, plus how do you think that will make Josh feel if he found out ? “ Tyler let out a groan, his head ready to explode any minute

“ You can leave if you want to, but I need to see what the entire world has seen. I need to know exactly what is out there, because I’m gonna lose my mind, okay ? I will go insane “

“ I think you’ll lose it either way”  Mark said quietly, while browsing his computer to look for the files. Tyler held his breath. He didn’t know what to expect, he’d never seen anyone get tortured, not even in a movie let alone for real. And this wasn’t just anyone, it was his best friend who was being hurt and the singer’s determination was slowly melting away from that thought.  Could he really do it ? Watch Josh get hurt badly ?

Mark loaded a video, but paused it before it began playing. The setting was pretty plain, Tyler could see a dirty white concrete wall and same colored floor. There wasn’t anything else in the shot, just the seemingly empty landscape of the room that looked a lot like a prison cell. Looking closer, the singer noticed red dots and spots on the wall , as well as smeared crimson traces that looked a lot like blood. Because that’s probably exactly what it was. Tyler’s heart was beating against the inside of his ribcage with fear and panic. Looking closer he could notice a single chain hanging from the ceiling, making the setting look like a medieval torture chamber.

He glanced at Mark , who’s pale face was scrunched up with pain and sadness.  Tyler nodded, signaling him to play the video which Mark did. The picture stayed the same for a while, just the naked walls and the lonely chain, lighted up by a single light bulb. A minute passed and nothing on the screen changed, making Tyler feel restless in anticipation of something really horrible to happen. Then it happened.

A loud clinging noise pulled the singer out of the trance and made him jump slightly in his seat. it sounded like metal hitting metal , followed by a noise of struggle, like someone was out of breath from fighting. The footsteps sounded closer and closer, until shadows appeared on the wall which was in the range of the camera.  Two people were dragging someone towards the center of the shot and that someone must’ve put a hell of a fight because the struggle went on for a while , before a zipping sound echoed through the empty room, followed by a pained groan. Tyler put both hands on his mouth, hearing the sounds of punching and kicking and Josh’s voice, strained with pain.

When the two people finally dragged Josh in front of the camera , Tyler’s heart completely dropped. Maybe a part of him still hoped that it wasn’t his best friend in those videos, that it was someone else and all of  this has been a huge mistake. But seeing his best friend’s terrified  brown eyes darting around and looking for a way to escape his faith proved him that it was in fact him who was going to be tortured and Tyler would have to just sit and watch helplessly.

When the two armed men, probably guards steadied the shaking drummer , Tyler could see him better under the dim lightning of the light bulb. The video must’ve been taken soon after they captured him, because Josh still looked a lot like his old self, with already fading red hair, slight stubble and bright brown eyes. He looked small and scared, standing in the center of the room in nothing but his underwear, with a blooming bruise on his cheek that looked pretty fresh.  Looking closer at the drummer’s naked body Tyler noticed other bruises, scattered all over his sides and chest as well as dried blood on his face, probably from a beating he received not long before the video was shot. Josh was trembling, presumably from being cold without his clothes, but the terrified look in his best friend’s eyes made Tyler think it was more than that. Despite being bound and undressed in a helpless position against three armed men, Josh stood tall , with his head up and a stoic look in his eyes. He looked like a soldier. Tyler swallowed a sob.

There were painful looking red welts all over his tights and finger shaped bruises on his hips and sides that made Tyler’s insides ache. Josh had his hands chained in front of him with heavy looking shackles, the long chain connected to them being held by another guard. He gave the drummer a rough pull, making him stumble forward, until his body was standing under the chain hanging from the ceiling which was now being lowered by a lever on the wall, installed for that purpose. Tyler didn’t like where this was going.

When the piece of chain was lowered enough, a guard pulled Josh’s hands up and connected his shackles to it. The screeching sound of the lever signaled that the chain was being pulled back up, raising Josh off the floor, until he was only touching the ground with his toes. His hands were now being painfully stretched above his head, holding his entire bodyweight and making his face scrunch up from the painful sensation. Still, he wasn’t making any sounds. His breath though was fast and almost frantic, which was the only sign of fear,  obvious in the drummer’s stoic posture.

A masked man came into the shot, holding something long and thin, reminding Tyler of a whip. Another one joined and in his hands the singer saw a solid looking rod, almost two fingers thick and looking like it could inflict a lot of pain. Josh’s breath has picked up even more and the chain stretching his arms was making rattling noises, vibrating from how hard his body was shaking.  Tyler grabbed Mark’s forearm just in time when the guard with the rod swung his weapon and landed it on the meat of Josh’s left hip. The red haired man threw his head back and squeezed his eyes shut, but no sound left his throat.

 It was the other guard’s turn to swing his whip, targeting Josh’s already welted tights which provoked more reaction this time, making him hiss and move away from the pain as far as the chain would allow him.  The two men were circling around their bound victim, delivering blows to different body parts and making him squirm and twist from the pain. The rod hit Josh straight in the stomach, making his body fold in on itself as much as his bound position would allow him, while his lungs fought to take in breaths through the agony.  Tyler had Mark’s hand in iron grip, needing something to ground him at the moment. It was unbearable seeing his best friend get hurt, even though it was in the past and Josh was safe now, that still didn’t help the pain from spreading in his veins.

When the whip broke skin and drew blood on the red haired man's chest Tyler almost told Mark to stop the video because It was too much. Josh was panting, his body covered with layer of sweat on top of the many purple, black and blue bruises. Soon the back of his tights were bleeding too and when the whip hit the same bloodied spot again Josh yelped and pulled on the chains holding his hands in place above his head.  It was a sign for his torturer to keep hitting him in the same place, drawing more and more blood and ripping the skin off the meat of his legs , while the other guard crushed his ribs and back with the rod. 

Soon there was a small puddle of blood underneath Josh’s body, formed by steady streams of crimson dripping from his wounded tights.  Tyler watched with a sinking feeling in his gut, how his best friend was beaten mercilessly,  his cries of pain getting louder with every new hit.  How could he handle it ? How could he stand all of that pain ? Tyler would probably break by now, he’d beg for them to stop and let him go the moment a whip touched his skin. It took a lot of will not to do just that, he knew it too well ,  and the admiration and respect towards Josh grew even bigger if that was possible. Tyler knew his best friend was strong and has always admired his spirit and strength of character, despite being the softest person the singer has ever met. Being both soft and strong is a combination only few have mustered and Josh has bought it up to absolute perfection.  And still, as Tyler watched the strongest man he has ever seen scream and yell from the pain he was in, he couldn’t believe that the red haired man survived this on daily basis and made it through.  It was a small glimpse into his everyday life as a prisoner of war, a tiny but horrifying example what it was like for him to be a captive for 8 months.

When Josh yelled a desperate “NO” Tyler could feel tears run down his face, because he knew that the guards won’t stop no matter how much he begged. The rod hit his ribs from the left with such brutal force the loud crushing sound was a definite sign of bones being broken. Blood seeped out of Josh's mouth as he coughed and struggled to take a breath, while the two armed men never stopped to give him a break. 

His entire back was laced with cuts and angry red welts, blood smearing with sweat and staining his pale skin. He was babbling something, probably too close to passing out to form proper words. Another punishing hit with the whip to his deeply cut thights made Josh shriek and yell out a string of " please, no, please, please stop", but was met with laughter that made Tyler's stomach turn upside down. The pain must've been absolutely unbearable , because the drummer was crying now, sobs racking his body and making the chain rattle even louder. He wasn't standing on his toes anymore, probably too exhausted and out if it, so his body hung limp by his hands, head slumped forward on his chest. 

Tyler was shaking, mind still too numb to process what he just saw. He noticed how Mark had his eyes tightly shut and his cheeks were wet too. Quietness fell in the room and Tyler thought that the video was over, when more sounds came from the laptop, making his blood freeze. The video was already 20 minutes long, but it still wasn't over apparently. 

Turning his attention back to the screen Tyler saw how one of the masked men lowered Josh down, who slumped to the ground like a ragged doll, the moment his hands were unattatched from the hanging chain. His knees hit the ground, weak and hurting legs unable to support his own weight. Josh threw up, the pain evident on his face and in the pained noises leaving his lungs. He briefly opened his eyes and Tyler let out a quiet sob into his hand from how much pain there was in the red haired man's gaze. His chocolate coloured eyes were unfocused and glazed over, red rimmed from crying and looking absolutely desperate. 

A guard stepped behind the kneeling man and pulled him up to his feet by the hair , earning a yelp. His hands were unchained from his front and Tyler thought for a second that they were going to unchain him and send him back to his cell, but he was wrong.

Josh had his hands roughly twisted behind him and shackled again. He couldn't stand on his own, so another guard was holding him up by his shoulders while his body shook in their hold. When his hands were secured tightly together on the small of his back, the chain hanging from the ceiling was lowered again, a dreadful realization downing on Tyler and making him turn to Mark.

" Please tell me they are not going to do  _that "_ Tyler didn't need to say what _that_ was, because Mark nodded, still keeping his eyes shut.

" Ty, let's stop the video, you've seen enough. Come on " Mark was pleading which scared the singer even more. What followed must've been truly terrifying. " Ty" Mark tried again, but the screeching sound of lever being pulled made the Tyler turn back to the screen. 

If being hung by your hands above your head was painful, Tyler could only try to imagine what it was like to hang on your hands, _twisted behind your back._ The scene was unbearable to look at, as Josh was slowly being pulled up by his hands, inch by inch to prolong his suffering. 

" Aaaaah " he let out an agonising scream that felt like a knife to Tyler's rapidly beating heart " Stop " Josh's soft and velvet voice now vibrated with pain, sounding higher and more raspy than usual " God, please" another heartbreaking scream followed as his bound hands took the weight of his body straining so hard behind his back Tyler was afraid they'll pop out if their sockets any moment. " Please let me down , please, please , " this finally made Tyler bury his face in his hands, the scene far too painful to watch.

Mark paused the video, the heart ripping sounds stopping all of sudden, making Tyler take a deep breath to hold his hysteria at bay.

“ How much longer ?” Tyler asked with a barely audible whisper

“ Another 20 minutes” Mark said with a thick voice, shot from crying. God that sounded way too long

“ Did they let him down ? “ Tyler asked, desperate to know that this torture didn’t continue for hours or days

Mark shook his head and Tyler turned towards him, desperately trying not to freak out and lose his goddamn mind right there and then.

“They didn’t ? “ He asked again and Mark shook his head to confirm the worst.

“ His shoulders … “ Mark began , but tears came first before he could continue. He choked and closed his mouth and Tyler leaned in to hug him, understanding what his friend was trying to say.  Dr. Lewis told him once that he’d never encountered a medical case where shoulder joints were damaged that severely.  It meant multiple dislocations, injury over injury , over injury until his bones stopped healing and deformed so badly they were practically unusable.

“ I told you that you shouldn’t watch “ Mark hugged him tighter and sniffled into his shirt

“I can’t believe they did this to Josh “ Tyler whispered feeling numb inside. He knew that the pain and anger and fear will hit him pretty soon, but right now he felt like someone sucked all of his content out and left him feeling nothing but cold air blowing in his veins. “ To our Josh “ Tyler felt Mark shake from how hard he was crying and held on tighter, almost painful to his friend’s shoulders grounding both of them

“ He will never be okay is he  ? “ Mark sobbed “After all of this ..” he pointed to his laptop “ He will never … never be _our_ Josh again “  Tyler gritted his teeth and hugged the crying man closer. He has never seen his friend so upset before, even when they traveled to Syria and saw horrible things there, Mark has always been the strong and collected one. Now it was Tyler’s turn to be strong, a position he has never felt comfortable being in. He needed to cry too, to scream and break and yell his frustration out, but he couldn’t do it while Mark was so close to breaking apart himself.

His phone kept beeping, an endless notifications flow that drove Tyler mad. Couldn’t people understand how difficult this was for him ? How painful and awful and unbearable this whole thing was for everyone who loved and cared for Josh ? Didn’t people have hearts anymore ?

And oh God, the thought of Josh finding out about the videos from internet or the TV made Tyler cry even harder. How would the drummer feel if he saw himself out there being taken apart, getting humiliated and degraded by those monsters ?

“ Mark “ he shook his friend slightly “ Mark , we have to do something “ He slowly untangled himself and sat up straighter on the sofa, wiping his face from the tears and snot he was covered in. “ We can’t let this continue “ Mark appeared to agree with him, because he nodded, still hiccupping every now and then.

“Yeah” the other man agreed “ Yeah, we need to make a statement.  I think .. I think we should tell the truth.  We can hide Josh only for so long “ Tyler nodded, but he had no idea what or how to say. Everything was a mess and no words could make it right or fix the damage already done.

“What do we do with Josh .. I mean .. he will see these videos if he goes on the internet , right ? We can’t let that happen, Mark, oh God “ they absolutely couldn’t let that happen. Even if it meant telling him the truth.

“We’ll figure it out, Ty. I’ll go on the TOP official account and take care of our official statement. You should probably tell Josh’s parents about this, just in case they stumble on these horrible videos by accident. God I hope they haven’t already “ Tyler strongly agreed. Nothing could prepare his family for this kind of emotional pain. It was absolute hell and the singer wanted to save them the awful experience.

“Yeah, I’ll get on with it.  Call me if you need my help, okay ? “ Mark stood up and embraced Tyler in a warm hug, mumbling :

“ We’ll get through this, Ty. We’ve been through so much and we always managed to pull through. “ a hand was rubbing his back, soothing Tyler’s pain-riddled heart. “ We can do this “

“ Yeah “ he said, but it sounded void even to his own ears. He didn’t have the energy to be strong or positive right now. Nothing could change the situation or make it better, not for him or for Josh and his family. Tyler tried to prepare himself for the chaos that was inevitable to follow , but his heart was too weak to bare any more hits from life. If this was a fight he was definitely losing.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to hate me and yell at me, I pretty much deserved it. 
> 
> Once again I wrote a way too long chapter so I had to split it. Next part will come soon, don't worry.
> 
> Josh will find out about the videos. Welp.
> 
> My Tumblr is [i-m-a-goner-takeitslow](http://i-m-a-goner-takeitslow.tumblr.com/)


	29. And the tears and the fears begin to multiply

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this in the middle of the night and now i am tired and I hate myself
> 
> Also a shiny new tag so beware

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains multiple triggers - violence, rape/noncon , mentions of rape, abuse, waterboarding, torture, drowning , suicidal thoughts and another one that I added in the tags, so please beware. If you are triggered by any of these - please skip this chapter. Or rather skip this story cause there will be plenty of it. 
> 
> it's sad and no one asked for this kind of sadness but I wrote it anyway so here we go

Next time Josh woke up he was literally drenched in sweat and feeling exhausted and sticky everywhere. The sun was shining through the thick curtains, already high in the sky which meant that it must’ve been afternoon already.  Still hazy, Josh sat up, but his movement must’ve been too sudden because the next moment he knew his head was spinning. Everything ached, and judging by how late is was, the painkillers he got last night were wearing off already, setting his nerves on fire with every movement.  Remembering the hallucination he has before he woke up, Josh looked around the room in panic, searching for something moving in the shadows. His hands were not bloody anymore and the shadows didn’t look half as dark as they did when he last woke up, but inside he still felt as dirty and corrupted as before. If he sat long enough in silence he could hear people screaming in fear and pain, dying or begging to die. The voices never went away, only quieted down when he took some of the “happy pills” that Pratt, his shrink has prescribed.  The only true remedy to drown the awful soul ripping sounds was to listen to music and Josh often did, even creating a playlist for when things got really bad.  It contained mostly Twenty one pilots songs, as well songs Tyler has covered and some demos his best friend sent him to listen to.

Sometimes it was difficult to listen to their own songs, because it was a painful reminder of the life Josh once had and lost. A life he will never be part of again and knowing that hurt more than his mutilated right arm and deformed shoulders. He knew it was his fault, he walked away and decided to do something else, not realizing how life changing his decision will be.  Tyler’s life will never be the same again either, after seeing so much and going through so many terrible things, all thanks to Josh.  Those songs, playing in his headphones were a product of years of writing, performing and creating, years of being nobody and heard by no one, but never giving up their dreams.  They’ve been building this thing for years, put their hearts and souls into it and now, Josh felt like he threw it all away and destroyed it completely.

Wondering where Tyler was , Josh made another attempt to sit up, this time slower and managed to pull himself up to a sitting position. His spine was on fire, sending painful sparks all over his back every time he moved. All of the days and hours spent in an array of horrible stress positions impacted his body in an irreversible way. It responded to every movement with pain making it difficult for Josh to perform even simple tasks like sitting up or holding a cup of water or even eating on his own.

Right now his biggest dream was to take a shower and change the wet clothes sticking to his body. His body temperature would change dramatically without apparent reason and one moment he could be freezing and the next one burning up with heat. Currently it was the latter, so the drummer slowly undid the buttons of his shirt and threw it down on the ground by the bed. It was Tyler’s shirt he noticed with a small smile. Josh didn’t own many button up’s , but since him moving his arms over his head was too difficult and painful, his mom has decided to dress him only in buttoned up shirts to make it easier to put on and off. Tyler of course was happy to share his wardrobe, a habit they both developed over the years of sharing hotel rooms, vans and tour busses. The only difference was that right now all of Tyler’s pieces of clothing were hanging off his bony and thin form, reminding him of how much he lost. 

Looking down at himself Josh sighted and felt nauseous at the sight of his abused body. His wrists still carried reminders of chains and cuffs that held him tied up and helpless for his abusers to do whatever they wanted with him. Not that he would be able to put much of a fight if his hands were free from the chains, but the feeling of being trapped and bound added to the humiliation and helplessness pilling in his stomach all those months. It took away his sense of control, and the lack of it for such a long period of time was taking a toll on his soul.

Josh ran shaky fingers over the thick scars covering his left wrist, feeling the phantom of pain from where the cuffs were almost embedded into his torn flesh for months. His hands shook while hesitant fingertips inspected bumps and scars on his skin, feeling it stretch from all the stitches pulling it to different directions.  There was bandage on his right arm, hiding the ugly scarred flesh where his skin was missing, along with his tattoo.  The colors were gone and it wasn’t the same without them. He wasn’t the same. 

Josh needed to look at himself in the mirror. The urge was so strong it made him pull his legs over the edge and reach for the wheelchair. His shoulders protested and he could almost feel the bones shifting inside, resisting the movement harshly.  Gritting his teeth the drummer managed to roll the wheelchair close enough so that sliding in its seat was easy enough to perform. He slid off the bed, reaching for the handles to hold himself while moving his hurting legs to the support plates. He already had this procedure worked out, because otherwise he’d have to get help to go to the bathroom which was something he refused on the first day of being discharged from the hospital. It was embarrassing enough that his siblings had to help him eat and perform other activities that he wasn’t used to be helped with and using the bathroom on his own was a freedom he desperately needed at the moment.

There were handles installed all over the house, especially in his room and bathroom, to help him move around and grab onto them if needed.  Josh wheeled himself slowly towards the bathroom, deciding to take a shower while he’s there anyway. He was still terrified of water, but controlling it’s temperature and intensity gave him a sense of control and made things less terrifying.  The bruising stream of ice cold water hitting his helpless body was still engraved in his brain. And all of the waterboarding torture he endured created a phobia of drowning, even if it meant taking a shower in his own bathroom.

Josh wheeled himself slowly and opened the bathroom door, where the lights were always turned on. When the wheels hit the platform of the shower cabin, the blue haired man  grabbed one of the handles and pulled himself up from the chair and held on tightly while his feet accommodated to the pressure of his weight.  It hurt and at first Josh thought he won’t be able to do it, the pain blinding him briefly. But he stood his ground and very slowly the pain melted away, leaving soreness and stiffness in its place. It was bearable , so the drummer stood a moment longer , before closing the cabin’s sliding door and while holding himself up with one hand clasped around the wooden handle. Sliding his pajama bottoms down with one hand, Josh felt his head spin from the change in pressure and slowly rose up, kicking the piece of clothing to the side.  Reaching to the waistband of his boxers, he hesitated , fingers hovering over the fabric and making his nerves rise. Why was he so nervous when there was nobody else there with him ?  Undressing in your shower shouldn’t be scary or nerve-wracking, but to Josh right now it felt terrifying.

They used to take his clothes away for punishment and the humiliation still burned inside Josh’s chest.  Being naked and chained was horrible and the things they did to him while he was naked were beyond words. He wasn’t chained anymore, but being naked still terrified him, it still made him feel vulnerable and exposed. His fingers moved away from the waistband and clung back to the handle while he gave himself a minute to breathe. Tyler would usually help him shower, steadying him and rubbing his back and hair with beautifully smelling shampoo and soap. He missed Tyler.

It was selfish of Josh to want his best friend to be constantly around him when he had a life on his own, which he sacrificed to stay by his friend’s side. He shouldn’t be that dependent on a single person, but the truth was that he needed his best friend all the time and without him he felt scared and lonely.

Just like he felt right now, hands holding on tightly to the wooden handle, eyes fixed on the faucet and heart beating 200 miles per hour. _It was just a shower_ , Josh told himself, _you’re not going to drown from taking a shower._ But it was water and water meant danger, it meant suffocation and lack of air and water in your lungs and your stomach, it was darkness and fear and pain and he just couldn’t _breathe._

_His hands were bound to the chair handles on both of his sides, while his torso was secured tightly to the chair’s back with thick rope. The same was done to his legs, tying them to the chair’s legs. He couldn’t move and inch and it was terrifying._

_There was a big bucket of water placed next to the chair, as well as a cloth and a metal jug. With a racing mind Josh tried to figure out what was going to happen next, but his teeth clattered loudly and his body shook and he just **couldn’t think.**_

_Suddenly his chair is being kicked back and he falls , hitting his head on the concrete floor in the process. He sees stars, vision fading in and out, until something completely blocks his eyes, feeling rough and uncomfortable on his face. It was probably the black cloth Josh saw a few minutes ago, because he can’t see a damn thing through the fabric._

_The next few seconds are terrifying, because he’s just lying on the ground, completely tied up and immobilized, with his vision taken away and the sound of water being poured close by. He doesn’t expect it, when a stream of freezing liquid hits his face over the cloth, blocking his nose and mouth, pouring into his throat and choking him. It doesn’t stop and Josh begins to convulse, the stream hitting his face in a never ending terrifying wave and he’s drowning, he can’t breathe and his lungs feel heavy and full of water. He’s trying to cough the water out, to spit it out of his mouth, but the position on his back is not allowing him to do that.  His legs are trying to kick out, but they’re held tightly with the rope, not allowing him any movement. Absolutely helpless and terrified of dying Josh screams. It doesn’t help though, because soon he has to draw in breath , but can’t. He’s inhaling water and gasps loudly, the steady stream finally stopping a moment later._

_His lungs are overworking, trying to simultaneously cough out the water that managed to slip in and inhale a proper breath after minutes without air. Neither is working out and before Josh could recover the stream of water is back over his nose and mouth, relentless. His hands clasp hard on the handles, squeezing with numbing fingers and trying to hold on to life. It’s ridiculous how much he wants to **not** die right now, when just an hour ago he was lying in his cell, desperate brain trying to come up with a way to end his own suffering. His body doesn’t want to die and it’s fighting with all it can to breathe, while his brain is screaming and begging for it to end. A fight Josh could never come out as a winner._

 

The first thing he sees when he opens his eyes are the blue and white tiles a few feet away from his face.  He must’ve fallen to the ground, because his right arm hurts like hell and his knees feel sore as well. Opening his eyes properly Josh noticed his position on the ground, body slumped to one side and pressing against the wall for support. The flashback felt so real he could barely take a proper breath , still gasping from the suffocating feeling of being strapped, drowned and unable to breathe.  Where was Tyler ? God he needed him, just his presence was enough to calm the drummer down and make him feel safe.

Alone and on the ground, Josh pulled himself up into sitting position, shoulders and ribs protesting against the strain, but he gritted his teeth and sat up, refusing to give in to the pain. The handle was just above his head and all Josh had to do was reach up and grasp it with both hands. It sounded like an easy task, but in reality it wasn’t easy at all. Just lifting his hands above his head was difficult enough and pulling his entire weight up by his arms sounded like a real challenge.

But since he was alone and didn’t want to bother his parents,  he had to do it by himself. Determination filled his bones, fueling his desire to do _something_ on his own, without anyone’s assistance.  Moving into kneeling position, Josh raised his hands above his hands, facing the wall and grabbed onto the handle, wincing from the sharp pain , piercing his shoulders and back. Taking deep calming breaths, he tried pulling at the wood, but the pain got so intense it made him groan and shut his eyes. A thought of calling for his dad passed his mind, but the burning desire to do it by himself pushed that thought aside. He could do this.

Deciding that going slow will only prolong the suffering Josh pulled at the handle with all the force he could muster while trying to make his legs work and unfold from underneath him. To his own surprise it actually worked, but before he could celebrate the small victory , an agonizing, almost blinding pain coursed through his shoulders, traveling from the center of his spine, all the way to his fingertips.  He screamed, still holding onto the handle, resting his forehead against the cold tile and biting the meat of his wrist to muffle the pained noises.  It was exhausting and it hurt like hell, but Josh was standing.

Giving himself a moment to calm down and take deep breaths, he reached for the faucet and turned on the hot water, careful not to get his right hand in the way.  The water ran on his back and Josh had to push himself back a little in order to get fully under the stream, but once his head was engulfed with water he panicked and pushed himself further against the wall to escape the uneasy feeling. His hair was wet , but Josh was scared of letting go of the handle to shampoo it, so he just let it be, focusing on getting the rest of his body wet.

 Someone was knocking at the bathroom door, startling the wet man and almost making him lose the hold he had on the wooden handgrip.

“ Honey ? “ it was his mom’s voice, laced with worry and coming from outside of his door. Fuck, she must’ve heard him screaming, Josh cursed silently.

“ Yeah m-mom, I’m fine “ he shouted, but his voice was still hoarse and weak.

“ Are you sure ? I thought I heard your voice “ she insisted while Josh held onto the handle on the wall , being showered by a hot flow of water

“ Yeah “ He said, but the panic he experienced earlier was still present in his voice “ D-don’t worry”

“ Are you showering ? “ she sounded surprised if not shocked “ On your own ?? “

He’d never done this before, there has always been someone ( usually Tyler) to help him and his mom was definitely worried. But he was doing relatively fine and didn’t need anyone’s help. Actually he did, but he didn’t want to be helped for once. He wanted to do something on his own.

“ Mom, just l-let me shower, okay ? “ it came out  more pleading then insisting and Josh cursed himself for being so goddamn pathetic.

His mother stayed quiet for a minute, probably thinking what to do next. Josh could feel his legs getting weak , feet hurting from how long he’s been standing on them, shoulders aching from the pressure of holding onto the handle for support. His strength was running out and quite frankly he should probably just let his mom help him out of the shower and into the bed.  But he was too stubborn to give in, once deciding that he wants to do this on his own.

“ I’ll bring you fresh clothes and a towel “ Laura said finally and Josh sighted. He knew his mom was worried and upset about him doing stuff on his own while still being too weak, but nobody truly understood how _he_ felt in this situation.

“ C-could you bring my phone too ? “ Josh asked with a small voice and heard his mom say “Of course, honey”. It took her a minute to come back to the door, knocking softly again

“Can I come in ? I will leave your clothes on one of the handles, okay ? “

“Okay” he said, his voice already sounding strained from how much struggle standing up has become.

His mom came in and rustled for a bit, stopping next to the shower cabin.

“I left your phone on the counter “ she said with a gentle voice “ Are you sure you don’t need help, love ? There’s nothing to be ashamed of, you know that right ? “ yeah Josh knew that , but he still felt ashamed “ There’s nothing embarrassing in asking for help if you need it “ she kept going and the drummer just wanted to be left alone with his misery. He didn’t feel like breaking down in front of his mom again, because last time she’s spent a whole night crying and popping pills. He loved her so much and the fact that she was miserable because of him made him feel like a terrible person.

“ I’ll be okay m-mom” he did his best not to sound pained and give away how badly he needed to sit down right now

“ Okay, sweetheart” she sounded completely unconvinced, but didn’t push any further. “ Just let me know if you need anything “ she said and her footsteps left the bathroom.

Josh sighted and turned down the water. He couldn’t stand anymore, it was getting too exhausting and painful. Sliding the shower’s door open Josh found the wheelchair parked right outside, as well as a pair of track suite bottoms, a shirt and underwear hanging on the handle next to the shower.

He wrapped the towel around his waist and stepped out of the cabin, grabbing his phone from the counter nearby.  The full body mirror was right in front of him and Josh could see  his reflection through the slight fog in the bathroom.  His body looked like it belonged to someone else.  Thin and frail, it was littered with scars and so different then what it once was. Even though he did put on some weight since being discharged from the hospital as a walking skeleton, his bones were still too visible to look healthy. He has always been lean, but the lack of appetite and the almost never ending need to throw up were taking a toll on his health. 

His hands trailed the many burn marks on the level of his waistband , just under his navel and shuddered with the memories of cigarettes being pushed into the sensitive skin there. How was he supposed to move on when so many reminders were literally embedded into his skin, flooding him with memories of days full of pain, fear and uncertainty ? How was he supposed to start again when so much weighted on him and pulled him back ?  And who would ever want to touch him when he looked so hideous, so damaged? He was probably going to spend the rest of his life all alone, because people will be too scared to get close to him. He was damaged goods.

Sighting, Josh turned around towards his clothes and busied himself with putting them on, while his phone buzzed , left on the counter. He got to his track suite bottoms when the annoying buzzing finally took the best of him and made him reach for the phone and unlock it.  He had many notifications, but the latest 20 were about him being tagged in a video. Pondering whether to watch it or not, Josh decided to take a look after all tapped on the little pop up window. It sent him to Twitter and a video that started playing upon loading the page.

 At first it didn’t make much sense to Josh, who stared at the screen and had a weird feeling of seeing something familiar and unnerving, but couldn’t quite place what it was.  There was an empty looking room that had no furniture in it, just a lightning bulb hanging from the ceiling. Something was moving on the floor and Josh realized it was a figure, a person that lay on the ground in a heap. His heart was beating fast, the landscape far too familiar and ringing alarming bells in his head were screaming that _something is not right._ Despite the sinking feeling in his stomach and instincts telling him to stop watching he still kept staring at the screen in some kind of trance.  

Growing more and more terrified, Josh kept watching how the lying person, a man was being dragged by … was that a leash on his neck ? His hand flew instinctively to his own neck, where the memory of the metal collar still burned his skin.  His hands shook so hard he could barely make any details of the video, but when the man was dragged up roughly from his lying position on the dirty floor Josh saw something that made his breath hitch and mind go completely numb. A tattoo, matted with blood that covered the man’s entire arm. The realization hit him like a slap to the face and Josh felt tears burning his vision. How could this be possible ? How could this happen ?

Unable to move and feeling like someone filled his bones with lead, Josh kept staring at the screen, where his other self was being manhandled roughly to his knees, while one of the guards, presumably the one who dragged him by the leash stood in front of him and unbuttoned his pants.  A wrecked sob left his mouth, throat hurting from how hard he was trying not to scream. He looked at the screen transfixed and unbelieving, but knowing _exactly_ what followed next

 

_The smell that his face when the man in front of him unbuttoned his pants and dragged them down hit Josh in the face so hard he gagged instantly. It was a mix of urine, sweat and cum, all of those combined making the kneeling man want to throw up with fierce intensity. Instinctively he flinched back, disgusted by the smell and humiliated by his position in front of the man’s naked crotch, but that only earned him a harsh punch with the butt of a rifle to the face. He would have fallen to the ground, losing his balance from the strength of the hit, but the leash stretching from the collar on his neck kept him upright, only the blunt pain on his already broken cheek making his eyes water._

_Josh kept his eyes closed, refusing to open them in fear he’ll flinch back or try to flee again and earn himself another hit or a slap. His entire face was ruined from the beating he got a little while ago, when a guard came into his cell and raped Josh while he was on his back, demanding he looked his rapist in the eyes. The drummer refused to do that and kept his eyes squeezed tightly, trying to imagine being somewhere else, while the sadistic man ripped him apart , angered by his refusal to obey.  He fucked Josh with one hand on his throat squeezing harshly, while slapping and punching his face with his other hand, leaving his victim bloodied, bruised and with a broken nose and cheek._

_He knew there were more people in the room, he could feel their presence, hear them laugh while they mocked him, feeling entertained by his humiliation. The awful smell hit Josh even harder when the man moved closer to him, now standing only inches apart from his face and pulling on his hair without any mercy._

_“Suck” he heard someone bark from above, the hand in his hair pushing his face towards the hard dick shoved straight into his face. Josh hesitated for a moment, his mind wondering back and forth between obeying and saving himself more pain or refusing and holding on to his ounce of pride left and paying the consequences._

_What helped him decide was the click of the cattle prod that sent a jolt of electricity into the air, so close to Josh he could feel the current almost touching his back. The memory of the pain it brought made Josh open his mouth, squeezing his eyes even tighter, barely containing the need to vomit from the foul taste on his tongue as soon as the man shoved his dick inside his mouth. His head hurt from how hard the man was pulling on his hair to make sure Josh stayed right where he wanted him to._

_His heart leaped out of his chest at the sound of another zipper being pulled down and belt clattering in the heavy air , making his lungs seize on themselves in fear. Feeling the movement behind him Josh panicked , choking in the process and making the man in front of him angry. He pulled out and slapped the panicking man in the face and making him open his eyes for a moment. People were standing around him, some of them just watching, others enjoying the show by jerking themselves off. Someone was holding a camera which brought another wave of panic and terror in Josh’s heart. Where they videotaping this ? Oh God what if this video ended up in his parent’s hands, or in Tyler’s ? How would he live with himself if they witnessed how disgusting he was, how pathetic he has become ? Tears spilled out of his eyes, mixing with the sweat and blood wetting his bruised face._

_If there was an ultimate low, Josh thought through the panic rising up squeezing his throat, this was it. He couldn’t fall any lower than this, forced on all fours on the dirty ground, sucking someone’s filthy dick while another one was shoved balls deep in his ass. It couldn’t get any more degrading then this ; being used like nothing more than a worthless object and then tossed aside and left alone to drown in his own filth and blood. It was the ultimate fall, the thing that will gradually kill everything human inside of him, Josh knew it, he fucking knew it, while the man behind him penetrated him so roughly his mind blanked out for a while. The pain kept him awake and aware through most of it though, it kept him awake enough to feel the blood run down his tights and drip to the ground. It kept him awake enough to feel the wetness of someone’s semen on his face and the burn of pure humiliation in his every cell.  It kept him awake enough to hear every insult thrown his way, every word claiming him as a whore, something worthless and useless. He wasn’t awake enough to count how many people raped him or how many used his mouth to get off, but the pain told him it was many, it was way more than his body could take. And he still took it, because what else could he do ?_

_Maybe this time he’ll bleed out on the concrete and all of this will stop. Death was the only way he could ever feel free anyway._

 

The force of his own sobs brought Josh back to reality, as well as the borderline terrified sound of his mother’s voice outside the door he was leaning on.  His throat was rough and sore, feeling like he has been screaming for hours on end. There was no concept of time for Josh right now, who struggled to take a breath through the feeling of his chest caving in and stopping the oxygen from reaching his lungs. He was crying so hard his entire body was shaking , the sick feeling of being violated still lingering on his skin.  He wanted to rip himself apart, to peal his skin away and crawl out of this body that disgusted him so much. He was sick of himself, sick of his weakness and helplessness.

Fighting for his breath, Josh tried to lift himself off the floor where he was lying in a helpless heap, but his body was too weak and wouldn’t listen. Someone was banging on the door from the outside which made Josh wonder if he somehow managed to lock it while he was out of it. The phone Josh remembered holding was lying on the tiles a few feet away from him and seeing it made the blue haired man jolt from the memory of seeing the video online.

The video oh God. The thought of that being online made him sob even harder. His life was over. Josh curled up in a ball on the floor and held his head in his hands, trying to contemplate how was he going to live after this.  It wasn’t enough that they humiliated him and destroyed him inside and out, but they had to make it public. His friends were going to see that. His family, his little sister, she was going to see it. Tyler… maybe that’s why he was gone for so long ? Maybe he has already seen it and felt too disgusted to come anywhere near Josh now ?

The sound of his mother’s voice which turned into sobs was getting more and more desperate and Josh wished he would stop hurting every single person he loved. He didn’t want to unlock the door and let his mother see the pitiful state he was in. He didn’t want to tell her what he has been through and make her even more upset and sad. All he wanted was to disappear, to vanish and leave no trace behind. He wanted to die and it wasn’t just a temporary state of mind because he was upset or scared.  No part of him wanted to live or to fight, no cell in his body wished to keep breathing and existing.  If he had a little bit more strength he’d reach for the razor in the cabinet and slice his wrists open or maybe slit his throat. It sounded so good, so tempting Josh actually gave it a try, but his body wouldn’t lift off the floor.

“ Josh, please let me in, please “ his mom was on the verge of hysteria, banging on the door and pleading for him to let her in. “ Please, sweetheart, unlock the door “ she was crying and Josh felt terrible. He was crying too, more quiet now so that his mom didn’t hear him sob. 

Josh was losing consciousness again when more voices came from the other side of the door.

“ Josh ? “ It was Tyler’s voice and he sounded **_so_** terrified and sad Josh felt his heart break inside of his chest.

“J, please, if you can hear me let me know you’re okay” he sounded absolutely desperate , on the verge of falling completely apart “ J, please, please say something “

“Maybe he passed out or something “ he heard Mark’s panicked voice “ We should break the door” he suggested

“No “ his mom’s voice was still wrecked from crying “ I heard him leaning on the door, we will hurt him … God we have to do something, he could be hurt “ Josh wanted to reach up above his head and unlock the door, but the unwillingness of his body to cooperate was too strong.

“ I’ll break the handle so we can open it “ it was Tyler again, who’s voice was shaking like a leaf in the wind.  “ Stand back, I’ll try to knock it out”

Josh closed his eyes and felt the door shake and move behind him where his back was pressed to it.  Tyler wasn’t stopping his attempts to break the door handle and after a good 10 minutes of a fight he finally managed to break it off the door as it clanged loudly on the floor on the other side.

A second later the door was swung open and Tyler’s soft and cold hands were framing Josh’s head , his tears falling on the drummer’s temple, mixing with his own.

“Oh God , Josh “ the singer cried while holding his friend’s limp body close to his “ God, you scared me so much “ someone was helping Tyler lift him off the ground in an instant and he was carried to his bed.

“ I will call an ambulance “ his mother’s voice made Josh open his eyes and shake his head as hard as his exhausted state allowed him. 

Mark, Tyler and Laura were standing by his bed, all looking pale and worried, his mom’s eyes were puffy and red from crying while Mark and Tyler looked like they both hasn’t slept for a week.

“Please” Josh whispered with barely there voice “ No hospital” he didn’t want to go back there, in the sterile white room and so much sickness and _death_ around him, reminding him of _that_ place.

“ But you passed out, Josh, someone should check you out " Mark insisted and Laura nodded with tears in her eyes.

"Please" Josh repeated and swallowed through the roughness in his throat. Everyone stayed quiet for a moment  just looking at each other with worried expressions. Tyler pulled the blanket on Josh's shaking form, noticing that his friend was trembling. He sat on the edge of the bed, landing his barely warm hand on the drummer's shoulder and sighted. There was something in Tyler's eyes that made him want to curl up in a ball under the blanket and never come out.  They were sad and carried some sort of a desperation Josh hasn't seen before in his best friend. He probably saw the video. He probably hated Josh now. 

His mind wondered back to the razor hidden in the bathroom's counter. He knew exactly where it was, hidden in a small box, sharp and shiny. Just what Josh needed right now.

Tyler kept rubbing his shoulder with tears in his own eyes that threatened to spill any moment. 

"Are you sure you don't need to go to the hospital and get checked out ? " Tyler asked with a shaky voice 

Josh nodded with his eyes closed. If he went to the hospital he couldn't get to the razor and he would have to face the horrible reality of everyone seeing him get violated and humiliated in front of the camera. He couldn't let that happen, he would never handle that kind of shame. He needed the razor. God he needed it badly.

"Okay" Tyler said quietly and turned to Mark who shook his head , disagreeing.  " Your mom will bring you some pills and we'll call for someone to check up on you later, okay ? " Josh nodded again, eyes still squeezed shut, afraid that if he looked at Tyler he will read right through him. There will be no later. Not if he got to the razor first.

When Tyler moved to get up, Josh landed his hand on Tyler's whispering "Stay with me for a bit" and the singer looked like he's about to cry.

"Sure, J" he said, nodding at Mark and Laura , both turning to leave , looking scared and worried. " I'll stay for as long as you need me to " the singer tried to smile, but it came out more as a grimace, his face a mask of pain and sadness. 

Tyler laid back on the empty side of the bed next to Josh, who used his last bits of strength to move as close to his friend as possible, leaning his head on Tyler's shoulder. He was warm and soft, hand moving towards the messy blue hair to pet it slowly. 

"Everything is going to be okay, Josh " Tyler said after they lay for a while in silence. " I remember how you once told me that the Universe was made just to be seen by my eyes. I felt like I didn't belong on this planet, like I didn't belong to my own body, I wasn't happy and I felt like I would never be " Tyler's voice was shaking and uneven and Josh knew his friend was crying without opening his eyes. " But you showed me how beautiful it is to even exists" it felt like someone was ripping open every wound on his body, making him bleed and _hurt_ like he never hurt before. " I'm here thanks to you " Tyler turned his head and kissed Josh on the temple. It was a small gesture, but to the drummer it felt like something way more. For Tyler this was a thank you. For Josh it was a goodbye. 

The drummer stayed awake and watched as Tyler fell asleep, his breath evening out and face relaxing. He looked so unguarded and innocent, all of the worry melted away from his features only leaving the peacefulness of undisturbed sleep. Josh tried to count all of the times they fell asleep just like this, side to side, body to body, in buses,vans and tiny hotel beds. They shared so much, been through so much and battled through so many obstacles together Josh could think back to those times all night and not even scratch the surface. Tyler was his other half, his friend, brother, source of inspiration and light through the darkest moments of his life.  Tyler was a ray of sun and Josh wanted him to stay that way. He needed to shine, to make the world a better place and Josh would only drag him to hell instead, because hell is what his life has become. There was no place in it for the bright morning sunlight named Tyler Joseph.  

Tyler needed to move on. With Josh suffering by his side he could never do that.  He needed to let Tyler go, to let him have a life, have a family, feel happy again. Josh rose up on his hands and leaned down to kiss the singer on his temple. He tasted like sweat and tears and like _Tyler, so_ familiar and soft. 

Shadows were moving in the corner of the room again, they were always there, always making Josh squirm and tremble with their whispering. Sometimes they screamed , making the drummer want to shove a knife down his ears just to muffle the sounds for a minute. They were begging and pleading, screaming and wailing and Josh couldn't do anything. He knew it was his guilt weighting down on him , but he was so helpless against it he just let the voices drag him into the darkness.  Sometimes he could hear his own voice, begging for mercy he was never granted, pleading for the pain to stop and for death to come. Now he finally had the chance to end the pain, to stop the voices and have some peace. 

Josh didn't want to leave notes or say goodbyes, because if he was to write a letter he'd probably change his mind and not do it. But that would be selfish of him. He had to do it, for his family's sake and for Tyler's sake. The pain inside was too much, he was bursting and breaking and it was absolutely unbearable. If he ever had anything to give to the world , he already has. He wrote music and played drums and met people who had their lives changed thanks to the music he and Tyler made. He gave away his light and his mind and his love, he gave it all and now he could leave, because there was nothing good, nothing bright inside of him to give away anymore. Now, he only brought pain and nightmares and regret to the people who loved him and Josh couldn't live with that. 

Getting up slowly from the bed, Josh held on to the crutches leaning on the wall next to his bed. He used them to make it to the bathroom that still had the door handle torn out and swayed wide open, almost as an invitation. Turning around to make sure Tyler was still asleep, Josh slowly entered the bathroom and rummaged through the cabinet hanging above the sink. There, in a small box were lying 4 brand new shaving razors. Josh picked up one and slid it into the pocket of his track bottoms, closing the cabinet's door and walking out of the bathroom as quiet as possible. Tyler was still fast asleep on his back with his left hand stretched to the side, where Josh was lying just a few minutes ago. He stood quietly, just observing his best friend's sleeping form, praying to God that he finds the strength to forgive Josh for what he was about to do. 

He was doing it for Tyler, not for himself, Josh thought again and the pain in his body reminded him why he was doing it in the first place. His feet were hurting like someone set fire to them and his entire upper body was sore and stiff, ribs still hurting, shoulders damaged and useless. He was a burden. He was a sinner. 

Scanning the room, Josh saw his phone laying on the bedside table and moved towards it, snatching it and putting it to his pocket. Then, as quietly as possible he opened the door to his room and slipped out, his crutches knocking dully on the wooden floor. Everyone seemed to be sleeping, because the house was quiet and dark. Josh crossed the distance to the front door, carefully opening all the locks and cracking it open so he could slip out without making much noise. 

Outside, he was met with a thousands stars on the dark night sky, so clear Josh didn't remember seeing it like that in years. The air was cold and his body shivered, but he didn't care about the wind blowing his thin frame. Inhaling deeply, Josh moved from his spot on the alley outside the house and slowly walked down the street, letting his feet carry him wherever they wanted to. The shadows followed him though, their freezing presence colder then the night's wind. Tears were making their way down his face as he limped slowly down the empty road, hoping that Tyler was dreaming about something nice. 

" Find a place they won't think of looking for you " a voice whispered in his ear and Josh nodded to himself " You'll be nice and cold before they figure out what you've done " 

" I'm already cold" he murmured to himself, briefly wondering if death was going to feel like _something._ His feet carried him to an open place, where dark water sparked with a million stars reflecting in it's surface. A lake. He's been here countless times when he was younger, playing with his siblings and dreaming under the stars.  Suddenly feeling overwhelmed with weakness Josh let go of the crutches and fell down on the ground, catching himself on his hands and moaning with the sharp pain it caused. Breathing fast and hard he drew out the blade from his pocket and noticed there was something else in there. It was a piece of paper he couldn't remember taking, folded neatly on itself.  When Josh unfolded it and read he knew what it was. The words were scrabbled down messily with Tyler's handwriting and looking like it has been torn out of his notebook. It said :

Wind has burned your skin

The lovely air so thin

The salty water's underneath your feet

No one's gone in vain

Here is where you'll stay

This life has been insane but

Today has been ok

Today has been ok

 

Josh couldn't stop the tears from falling down on the piece of paper and leaving a few wet patches, smearing the ink. This was so unfair, how after all of the times Josh was the one who talked Tyler out of dying it was now him who was going to die, not giving his friend a chance to talk _him_ out.

He took the razor in his right hand and bared his left wrist, both hands shaking from how scared and cold he was. Dying was the only way out of this, his only way to stop the unimaginable pain tearing his insides with every inhale of air. He was never going to be normal again. Even if he threw the razor in  the lake and decided to live, he would never feel _alive_ again. 

The last thing Josh did was ask God to forgive him and quickly prayed for Tyler and his family, before the sharp end of the razor dug into his skin, breaking it with ease. The blood poured out of the gash in one big wave, painting the grass in crimson within seconds. The pain in his wrist was nothing compared to the feeling of being carried away, far from the pain in his heart and the horrors in his mind. His weak body now felt numb, after the initial wave of pain has passed and the night felt even colder now. There was no pain now, just freezing, devastating coldness that enveloped Josh from head to toe. The frantic beating of his heart he could hear only seconds ago was now faint and barely there. It was scary, because he was alone and dying, but the thought of not having to live with all of the shame and pain anymore brought a sense of peace. A star fell from the sky and painted the skyline silver. It was his sign. Josh closed his eyes and let go.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was terrible and I am sorry  
> Feel free to hate me.  
> I've read all of the comments you guys left on the previous chapter and let me just say that I am blown away by how much feedback I've gotten and how amazingly sweet everyone has been.
> 
> I hope you guys keep reading despite all of the pain that I've caused with my writing. I can promise you more pain, but also some light at the end of the tunnel :))


	30. I wanna believe that I will be free elsewhere

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything hurts and I'm a mess

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm an asshole for making you guys wait for so long.
> 
> Thank you so much for all of the comments you've left on the previous chapter. I know I'm a horrible person and I hate myself just as much as you all hate me, so here's this super sad chapter to make you hate me even more.

==== title is taken from the song "Time to say goodbye" by Twenty one pilots ====

 

Tyler didn’t remember exactly how he ended up in the hospital’s chapel. His thoughts were chaotic and jumbled, too messed up by all the stress and worry that has been building up in the past weeks and months.  He didn’t even remember the last time he  _actually_  prayed. Not reciting some prayer he read somewhere or heard his parents say on a Thanks giving dinner. But actually talking to God, prayer coming straight from his heart,  words to God that he meant and felt deep within himself. He hasn’t prayed in a long while.

Tyler couldn‘t remember walking into the small chapel, he didn’t remember taking the ten steps down towards the altar in the very end of the isle, he couldn’t recall falling down to his knees, hands clasped tightly together. 

Yet here he was, kneeling on the worn out carpet with a weight in his heart so heavy he felt like it was filled with lead and every beat of it thudded in his chest and rattled his bones. Tyler was gritting his teeth against the waterfall of apologies, regrets and pleads for forgiveness that bubbled up in his chest and stuck in his throat  on their way out. This wasn’t about him though. He didn’t come here to plead for redemption or seek forgiveness for his own sins. That was a waste of time.

Shifting on his knees, Tyler squeezed his eyes shut and tried to will the entire universe to help him form the words in his mind, to express how badly he needed God’s help right now. No, not him. It wasn’t about him.

A fierce stab of pain pierced Tyler’s heart when he reminded himself once again why he was there, kneeling on the worn out rug and holding onto the faint hope that maybe if he clasped his hands tighter or prayed louder God will hear him and answer his prayer.

“ Please” Tyler whispered, holding his hands right under his chin, head tilted down in submission, fingers squeezing each other in a sweaty grip “ Please, God” he could feel his knees hurting, stuck in this position for too long, his body trembling with grief and unvoiced pain, his throat dry and sore from crying. None of that mattered though. One thing and one thing only was on his mind “Please don’t take him away from me”. The actual thought, the mere possibility of losing forever his best friend made Tyler choke, the rest of the words sticking to his dry throat like wet sand. He couldn’t breathe. “ I’ll do anything, I’ll give everything up, I’ll be whoever you want me to be, just please, God,  ** _please,_** don’t take him yet “ .

Tyler received no answer.

 

*

**_12 hours earlier_ **

Tyler was still shaken up from what he saw on Mark’s laptop, a sinking heavy feeling that never left his gut and never let him take a  deep breath.  He went on his official Twitter account, something he hasn’t done in many months, regretting it almost as soon as he logged in, but still felt determined to make a statement and show his position. None of what was happening was okay. Making the videos so public, despite how graphic and brutal they were , spreading them around, fueling the scandal that was already growing – it was all inacceptable. And Tyler wasn’t going to stand there and do nothing. It was about his best friend’s dignity and respect and he would fight till his last breath to protect those two things.

A lot of people were outraged by the publicity of the videos and how easily the media shared them, forgetting that it was a human being that was being tortured, who has family and friends witnessing all of that.  Big tabloids like The Sun, New York Times , Mirror, Huffington post and many more posted news and stories related to the videos and their leaking, as well as links to where they could be seen. Twitter was full of posts regarding that and Josh was being tagged in almost every single post which angered Tyler even more. Tyler had literally thousands notifications he didn’t even bother looking at and his timeline was full of discussions about the videos. They were goddamn  _everywhere._ He almost gave into the temptation of watching another video, but the memory of Josh’s screaming and pleading brought him back to Earth and his desire to watch another second of that evaporated quickly. 

It was difficult to form into words what Tyler felt at the moment, especially with how much his hands were shaking and barely hitting the buttons on his keyboard.  He was angry, upset, tired, disappointed, sad and it all jumbled together making a big mess in his head. Mark has already released an official statement from their band account, explaining Josh’s situation and asking everyone to respect his privacy and let him recover from the awful experience.  Everyone was talking about it, which of course was the opposite of the statement’s message and Tyler briefly wondered how long will it take for things to die down a little, guessing it will be months. He will definitely stay away from the internet during that time, hoping Josh’s family decided to do the same and save themselves a lot of pain.

He stared at the screen for a good 10 minutes, trying to contemplate what to write but nothing came out. His brain was too occupied with the thought of how to tell Josh about the existence of the videos without completely freaking him out and his heart hurt every time he imagined the fear and shame in his friend’s eyes.  Josh had the warmest eyes ever and seeing them fill with hurt and fear was the worst thing for Tyler to experience. Especially when the drummer had a nightmare and upon waking up he would stare at Tyler with his unseeing eyes, still experiencing something truly horrifying. There was no getting used to that.  He considered the option of not telling Josh about the video’s existence, but it would be many times worse if he learned about them from somewhere else or God forbid see them online.  Tyler shuddered at that thought, feeling disgusted all over again by how heartless people have become.

Deciding he won’t be able to write anything else then some emotional speech he’d probably regret later, Tyler locked his phone and made an attempt to relax in his seat. Closing his eyes he felt the fatigue creeping up on him, the lack of sleep and irregular eating schedule exhausted his body to a point he could barely lift himself up.  And all of this stress was adding up to his already weak state, making his eyes droop and head to loll to the side.  No , he couldn’t fall asleep now, he had plenty of things to do, like call Josh’s siblings and warn them about the whole mess that was happening online right now. Also tell Jenna about the recent events, because he needed all the support he could get at the moment. Mark was just as affected and messed up as him so they tried to support each other as much as they could, but neither felt mentally stable enough to provide a proper emotional support to each other. Tyler could hear Mark sob in the bathroom, the sounds muffled by either his hands or a towel and his poor shattered heart broke even further. If Tyler himself  had the strength to cry he surely would weep like a child, but his head was hanging on his chest, tired brain trying to have some rest by shutting off every once in a while. He wanted to go check on Mark and make sure he doesn’t drown himself in the bathroom, but his limbs felt like they were made of lead.

Tyler didn’t remember falling asleep, but he obviously has, because his body was slumped over the sofa in a very awkward and uncomfortable position, head thrown back and drool making its way slowly down his chin. As he quickly wiped it with the end of his sleeve, still groggy from sleep Tyler realized that his phone was vibrating violently on the sofa right next to him, its sound muted so he wouldn’t be bothered by the constant beeping of notifications. Mark was nowhere to be seen and Tyler briefly worried about his friend, but when he noticed that the caller’s ID was Josh’s mom his worries moved elsewhere. With heart thudding in his chest, Tyler picked up the phone as the feeling of dread once again settled in his gut. It flared up the moment he heard Laura’s panicked voice coming from the receiver

“ Tyler, honey, you need to come home fast “ she was trying to keep it together, but the singer could feel the fear and panic vibrating from her.

“ Why, what’s happening ?” Tyler asked while getting off the sofa to look for Mark and for his shoes at the same time

“ Josh has locked himself in the bathroom “ she was crying now and Tyler wanted to teleport himself to her house because now he was terrified “ I heard him scream .. he’s crying right now… I don’t know what’s happening, but I’m so scared Tyler “  he was scared  too, grabbing his jacket from where it was hanging on the chair and moving towards the door

“Okay, okay, just take a deep breath “ he was trying to calm her down, taking deep breaths on his own in  attempt to drown the panic “ He’s probably having a panic attack or a flashback, but I’m coming over so it’s going to be just fine “ he kept soothing her when Mark appeared from the kitchen with a cup of coffee in his hand, looking baffled by Tyler’s panicked expression

“I heard him fall to the ground “ she sobbed “ And then he was screaming like someone was hurting him and I heard him scratch at the door “ Tyler held back his own tears while motioning at Mark to move out. His friend still looked worried and confused, putting on his jacket and shoes as quickly as possible while still gripping the coffee cup.  “ I-I left him all alone to shower, I shouldn’t have left him “ she was full on sobbing now and  Mark looked absolutely mortified, hearing her voice through the speaker. The singer kept talking to Laura when they loaded into the car, Mark driving and Tyler talking the terrified woman through. When they finally made it, Tyler hung up the phone and darted out of the car, his unsteady feet carrying him towards the house. Mark was right on his heels when he entered and ran straight to Josh’s room, where his mom was standing by the bathroom door and called for her son

“ Josh, please open the door” she kept talking to him through the door, banging on it every once in a while, but getting no answer.

Tyler walked up to her and they hugged, Laura crying into his shoulder

“ Please, Tyler, we have to do something, we need to get him out of there” she said and Tyler nodded, both him and mark moving towards the door and hearing nothing beyond it.

“ Josh “ he called out, but no answer came. His heart was beating out of his chest, worried brain painting all sorts of scary pictures. What if Josh did something to himself ?

“J, please, if you can hear me let me know you’re okay” his voice sounded absolutely desperate , on the verge of braking. “ J, please, please say something “ once again nothing. Tyler wanted to scream.

“Maybe he passed out or something “ Mark suggested ,leaning on the door to try and listen closer for any sounds that might come from the other side.  “We should break the door”

“No “ Laura shook her head while wiping her tears “ I heard him leaning on the door, we will hurt him … God we have to do something, he could be hurt”

Tyler’s brain worked 200 miles per hour, trying to come up with something they could do. They couldn’t break the door cause they risked hurting Josh. The window was too high and too small for anyone to reach there. He could break the locking mechanism along with the handle, so that the door would unlock.

“ I’ll break the handle so we can open it “ Tyler said with determination, although his voice was shaking badly  “ Stand back, I’ll try to knock it out”

He grabbed the fire extinguisher from where it was standing in the corner of the room and after making sure everyone has moved away he banged the door handle with it.  It rattled and shook, but didn’t move from its place. He kept hitting it, every hit making it looser and weaker, until it clanged loudly on the floor in his feet. Both Tyler and Mark lurched to the door and swung it open, finding a barely conscious and shirtless Josh, gasping for breath on the ground.

Tyler literally threw himself on the ground next to Josh to see if his friend was awake and breathing, cradling his face in both hands.

“ Oh God Josh “ he cried, seeing Josh steer weakly in his hands and holding him even closer “ God, you scared me so much “ tears poured down his face, relief of seeing Josh seemingly okay flooding his system like a drug. Josh was okay, he was alive. Thank God.

Mark joined Tyler on the ground, helping him lift the drummer and carry him to the bed. Josh was so light they carried him easily, his body limp and unmoving. They gently lowered him down, Laura grabbing the phone to call the an ambulance straight away

“ I’m calling an ambulance “ she announced, Mark nodding along. Tyler saw Josh shake his head and felt his heart shatter once again. It was understandable that his friend didn’t want to go back there. Josh went to hell and back and spent long agonizing months basically chained to the hospital bed. If Tyler was honest with himself he wouldn’t go back there either.

“Please” he heard Josh whisper and the sadness tugging at his heartstrings got even more intense “ No hospital “ he shook his head, fighting back tears and landed his hand on Josh’s shoulder for reassurance.

“Are you sure you don’t want to go to the hospital and get checked out ? “ he asked just to be sure, although the desperation in the drummer’s eyes when he asked not to be taken to the hospital were a sign enough. Josh nodded, his eyes closed and face wet and rosy from crying.

“Okay. Your mom will bring you some pills and we'll call for someone to check up on you later, okay ? “ he tried to sound as calm and reassuring as possible, but his mind was racing at the moment, trying to figure out how the hell to tell him about the videos and people knowing he was alive and recovering. He couldn’t put that on the fragile shoulders of his friend , not right now.

Tyler turned to leave the room to talk to Mark for a minute, but a cold hand landed on his, stopping his movement.

“Stay with me for a bit” Josh whispered and Tyler could do nothing else, but comply. He didn’t want to leave Josh alone anyway, not after the scare he just went through.

“Sure J, I’ll stay with you as long as you need me to”  he said and settled down on Josh’s cold bed, seeing Mark and Laura turning to leave. It was getting late and everyone will probably go to sleep or at least have some rest. Tyler didn’t think he could sleep anyway, not with all of the emotions raging inside of his body. He was scared for Josh, for his mental health mostly as the drummer often showed signs of PTSD , experienced panic attacks and flashbacks , resulting in situations like the one earlier in the bathroom. They needed to do something before Josh actually did hurt himself. Tyler knew exactly how it felt being on the verge of your right mind, where every wrong step could send you spiraling down. He had walked that line. Crossed it even when things got too much. Shuddering , Tyler pushed that thought aside. It was not the time to re-visit his traumatic memories of times when he felt so low he couldn’t see any other relief for his psychological pain, but to hurt his flesh, to tear himself apart just to stop the agony in his head.

Feeling Josh moving closer and leaning on him, Tyler relaxed and buried his left hand in his friend’s hair. He received a sigh In return and continued to pet the messy blue hair, humming quietly as he did so.  The lights were off and it was completely quiet. The singer yawned, the long needed sleep creeping up on him once again.  He didn’t want to fall asleep, scared of leaving Josh on his own with his nightmares, but the exhaustion made his eyes droop once again, lulling his tired body into its embrace.  They’ll probably take Josh to the hospital in the morning, just to make sure he was doing okay and didn’t hurt himself after the fall in the bathroom. He seemed okay, but considering his still slowly recovering body and how fragile it was, they needed to be sure.

With that thought lingering in his mind, Tyler lost his fight with the overwhelming need to sleep and the weakness in his limbs that has spread like a wild fire as soon as his head touched the pillow. Hugging Josh closer he let the warmth of his friend’s body lull him to sleep, reminded of all the times they shared the same bed. It was familiar and felt so safe , so nice. Josh was there and that’s all that mattered. He slept.

 

The dream Tyler had that night was weird. It was weird that he was dreaming in the first place. It’s been long since he stopped seeing anything else then nightmares when he fell asleep, but tonight for some reason was different.

_He was surrounded by trees, his eyes unseeing in the darkness of the night. He could make out their silhouettes, tick and dark bodies standing tall and strong next to each other and groaning lightly every once in a while. It was cold and Tyler realized that he wasn’t wearing any shoes , as his feet dug into the cold ground underneath. He was wearing the same clothes he fell asleep in – a pair of jeans and a t-shirt , making his skin rise with goosebumps from the cold wind. He looked up, hoping to see stars or the moon, but the forest was so thick he couldn’t see the sky at all.  Only dark silhouettes tangling into each other, dancing shadows of their elegant finger shaped branches panted the skyline above. It was both beautiful and frightening and Tyler felt a chill making its way down his spine. This didn’t feel like a dream at all, his feet could feel the roots and the mud, as he slowly walked past the trees and the smell of wood was overwhelming his senses._

_Just when Tyler thought he was alone in the forest, someone moved behind him and made him stutter and stop in his tracks, whipping around to see who that was. It was too dark and Tyler tried to focus on his surroundings long enough to make out the figure moving a few feet away from him._

_“Come with me “ a child’s voice surprised Tyler and made him take a step back, almost tripping on a root. “ Please” the voice was sad and made him want to reach out and hug the kid or tell him everything Is going to be okay, even though he didn’t even know what was wrong._

_His feet carried him through the leaf covered path between the trees, following the child’s steps and wondering where were they going._

_Suddenly he could see stars instead of dense branches and the moon appeared right above him, lighting the path. They were walking out of the forest and into an opened space, surrounded by trees. The moon was shining so brightly Tyler could see the boy now, standing a few feet in front of him, with his hands pressing tightly to his chest and tears on his little face. Sadness tore at his heart, seeing the little kid so sad and alone in the woods._

_“Hey “ Tyler tried to draw his attention “ Why are you here all alone ? Where are your parents ? “ but the boy got even more upset at mentioning his parents and began crying softly in his little hands. Tyler sighted deeply and took a step forward, waiting to see if the kid will flinch or move away, but he didn’t. He kept crying into his palms, curled up into himself, so Tyler took another step that placed him right in front of the boy._

_“ Are you lost ? “He asked ,kneeling down to get to eye level with the boy. He nodded, sniffling quietly. “ Don’t worry, I’ll help you find your way back “ he tried to comfort the kid even though he knew absolutely nothing about this forest or how to get the hell out of there._

_The boy took his hands off his face and Tyler almost toppled backwards from the feeling of familiarity that hit him in the face. They boy’s eyes looked exactly like Josh’s , shaped like almonds with color that reminded Tyler of hazelnut chocolate latte. There was a spark of life inside those eyes, a brightness that carried something innocent and kind, a promise of a better world and a brighter future. He has only seen that kind of spark in his best friend’s eyes, but it was so long ago he could barely remember that time of his life.  The boy looked at Tyler with hope that almost broke the singer’s heart._

_“Will you help my daddy ? “ the kid asked hiccupping and wiping his face , his voice desperate and sad_

_“ Of course “ Tyler held the boy’s hand in his and it felt so freezing he barely contained himself from wrapping the boy in his arms to warm him up. “Where is he ? Can you tell me where he is so I can help him ? “ the boy shook his head, his curly hair bouncing in the wind, once again reminding Tyler of Josh and his wild curls, now burned and exhausted by all of the hair dye and bleach._

_“ You need to find him “ the pleading tone echoed in Tyler’s ears, resonating with his own desperation. “ Please, Tyler “ the singer jumped at the mention of his name… how could the boy know his name?_

_“But … “ he started, but the boy once again said “ Find him, please find him “ and Tyler felt something twist in his gut. Who was the boy talking about ? Why did he resemble Josh so much ? And why did he suddenly feel the urging need to wake up and make sure his best friend was by his side?_

_“What’s your name ? “ Tyler asked with shaky voice, feeling the dread wake up and fill his stomach once again. The boy didn’t answer, wiping his face with his sleeve._

_“You need to find him “_

_“What’s your name ? “_

_“Please find him “ Tyler huffed out an angry breath of air and rubbed his face furiously. This dream was getting way too weird even for his liking. Who did he have to find so badly ?_

_“ Is your father’s name Josh ?”  the question literally tumbled out of Tyler’s mouth and the boy stared at him for a few seconds, eyes full of hope and unshed tears._

_“Find him , Tyler”_

Tyler’s response got stuck in his throat and before he could say “ How do you know my name ?” he was waking up violently, the bed underneath his body creaking loudly while he twisted and shook _._  Cold sweat was matting his hair and staining the collar of his t-shirt and his breath was coming out shirt and ragged, like he has been running.

The forest felt so real he could still see it, smell the heavy scent of wood and undergrowth. His feet felt rough from stepping on roots and rocks and Tyler actually sat up to check them for scratches and marks. As he sat up he noticed with heart piercing fear that Josh’s side of the bed was empty, which brought back the dream back and the boy who had almond shaped eyes and playful curls.  Panicking Tyler sprang from the bed and bolted towards the bathroom to see if Josh wasn’t there. It was empty.  His heart was beating so fast Tyler felt lightheaded , the fear of losing Josh filling his insides and making him feel sick.

The next moment he knew his feet were carrying him out of the room and into the corridors of the dark house, lighting up every light switch he could reach in hope he’ll find Josh somewhere inside the house.

But the house was empty and quiet, the silence choking Tyler like a noose around his throat. He had to find him, God he had to.

“Josh ?” he screamed, not being able to hold his desperation anymore “ Josh ? “ after he ran into almost every room of the house Josh’s mom ran down the stairs where he was standing in the foyer panting and heaving.

“Tyler what’s wrong ? What’s happening?”  

“Is Josh with you ? Have you seen him ? “  Her expression was so baffled it was an answer enough for Tyler, who felt like some sort of invisible clock was ticking in his head, reminding him that  _he had to find Josh_ or something bad will happen.

Swinging the front door open he ran outside so fast he heard Laura’s voice as if it was miles away when she called after him, but he didn’t stop. On the street he slowed down, panicked brain trying to decide which way to go, where to look.  _Forest, forest, forest_  replayed in his head and he took off down the street, where the road went into a beautiful forest surrounding the neighborhood.

Entering the woods he screamed for Josh again, but it came out more as a sob rather than a scream. He was on the very verge of crying, only few more minutes and the tears will flow out and pour his fear and desperation out.

“JOSH ? “ He yelled, running past trees and branches, feet bare and slapping against the roots and leafs fallen on the ground. It was almost like in the dream, the chilly wind blowing his frail body with determination and the woods standing tall and still in the darkness of the night. But unlike the dream , this was terrifyingly real and Josh was missing and Tyler couldn’t stop praying.

“Please let him be okay, please, please, please” he kept muttering under his breath while his burning with exhaustion feet ran through the forest. 

Suddenly he could see stars and the moon shining  brightly , lightning up the field in front of him, green grass and jet black lake sparkling in the night. The sudden change in the landscape made Tyler stop in his tracks, but something drew his attention as he scanned the scene with frantic eyes.  There was a figure lying limply on the ground near the lake and when Tyler’s eyes landed on it his heart stopped beating and the air froze in his lungs.  He was paralyzed, no cell in his body agreed to move or make a sound. He knew it was Josh, he could  _feel_  it was him.

“NO” it was a desperate sound, somewhere between a sob and a scream, half stuck in Tyler’s throat, making  him choke “ Josh, no, no, no, oh God Josh “ his paralyzed body absolutely refused to unfreeze and Tyler crumbled down to his knees, feeling the cold mud dig under his fingernails as he scrambled towards the unmoving body on the ground, praying with words and thoughts that somehow it  didn’t belong to his best friend.

But it was Josh, Tyler could see his face illuminated by the moonlight and everything inside of him was breaking and shattering from the sight in front of him. Josh was lying on his back, one hand clutched into a fist on his chest and the other one slayed on the grass by his side with a nasty gash crossing his thin wrist.  The blood has already soaked into the grass painting it dark red, almost black.

“ Why Josh ? Why, why ,FUCK “ Tyler was shaking all over, his mind going completely numb from the shock of seeing his best friend bleed on the ground in front of him.  With shaking fingers Tyler reached to touch Josh’s neck, terrified by the possibility of not finding any pulse there. His other hand was already taking his phone out of his pocket, the initial shock passing into a wild blood freezing panic.  “Please, please” he kept muttering under his breath as his fingers roamed over the drummer’s artery searching for  _something_ underneath the already cooling skin.

It was faint and barely there, but Tyler felt the thud and screamed into the air, looking up at the sky as if to thank God for keeping Josh alive.  Already dialed 911 , Tyler heard a female voice come from his phone

“ 991 what’s your emergency ? “

“ It- It’s my best friend, he’s dying” the words hurt his throat on their way out, scratching and cutting at his throat.  _Dying._ God, Josh was dying . After everything he survived and fought through, after all of that, he was dying, bleeding out on the wet early morning grass.

“ Can you please give me more details about what happened ? “ the voice sounded calm and collected and Tyler wanted to scream.

“ He… he cut his wrist open and oh God, he’s bleeding really badly …. “ Tyler choked and squeezed his eyes shut, feeling the skin underneath his fingertips go colder with every second passing”  please do something,  I-I can’t lose him, I can’t “ the sobs that followed only made the pain in his throat worse and blurred his vision. Josh was getting colder, fading away underneath the stars , slip out in-between Tyler’s shaking fingers.

“ Alright sir, I’m going to need you to calm down. What is your name?

“T-Tyler” he stuttered out

Okay, Tyler.  Is your friend next to you ? “

“Yes, yes” Tyler definitely couldn’t calm down, feeling Josh get colder and his pulse weaker

“ You need to put pressure on the wound on his wrist, it will be better if you have some kind of cloth or bandage. You could use a piece of your own clothing, is that alright ? “ the voice stayed calm while Tyler threw his phone on the grass and took his t-shirt off , wrapping it tightly around Josh’s bleeding wrist and cursing himself for not doing this earlier.

“Okay, I-I did it. What else can I do ? “ his voice was shaking so bad, he had to repeat the whole sentence again for the woman on the other end to understand.

“ Put your hand close to his nose and see if you can feel any breath “ Tyler scrambled to do it, but he felt nothing, not a brush of breath.

“God, he’s not breathing “ Tyler felt the fresh stab of panic surging through him, bringing more tears to his already blurry eyes “ He’s not breathing, please… when is the ambulance coming ? Why aren’t they here ? “ he helplessly raised his voice, angry at himself for letting Josh do this and not being awake to stop him on time.

“ They are on their way, Tyler. “ he needed the paramedics  _now_ , because there was no time, Josh could already be dead in his arms “ Is your friend still bleeding ?

“ Yes, I-I think so” the shirt he wrapped around Josh’s wrist was soaked in blood and it scared Tyler how rapidly the fabric got from white to crimson. “ He’s already getting cold …” the sobs cut his next words short and made him curl up on himself, holding Josh’s cut hand in his, feeling like if he let go he will never see his best friend again.

“Tyler, can you hear me ? “ the voice came from the receiver, but Tyler was beyond talking. His chest felt caved in and he couldn’t breathe. “ Tyler, I need you to stay on the line before the ambulance gets where you are “ she kept trying, but all Tyler could do was lay curled up on the ground, holding Josh’s hand and wail his misery out.

God why was he such a failure? Josh was dying because Tyler failed him, he failed to protect him, to help him get better, to be his friend.  He was one huge downfall, letting every single person he cared about in his life down.  He hated, hated HATED himself. Screaming into the ground, Tyler wished he could die too, because if Josh died he didn’t want to live in a world without him. The Universe will never be the same without Josh and his light, his kindness, his courage and talent. It’d be colorless and so cold, Tyler would never survive it. He didn’t want to survive it. He didn’t want to live without Josh, so he promised himself that if he didn’t make it, Tyler will die too.

“Please don’t die” Tyler sobbed, lying next to Josh’s body, feeling the cold radiating from him “ Please Joshie , I can’t do this without you “ he couldn’t breathe from how hard he was crying  “ Why would you do this ? Why would you leave like this ?? Why, J ? “ Tyler could hear sirens blaring, but it felt distanced and far far away from him. Nothing else existed for him at that moment, except for Josh’s hand clutched in his with deadly grip and the freezing ground beneath him soaking in his tears. “ If you die, I’ll die too, I can’t do this without you, oh God “ someone was trying to pull him off Josh, but his body suddenly remembered how to function in a surge of panic and he fought the hands pulling him away

“NO” he screamed as loud as his sore throat allowed him to “ Don’t fucking touch me, don’t touch me ! “ he screamed, holding onto Josh so tightly his knuckles were white

“Sir, please, you need to step back so we can treat your friend” someone was trying to reason with him, but he was a wild animal right now, caught in a trap and fighting for his life

“I’m staying with him, he’s my best friend” his voice was shaking so badly it came out more like babbling “ I’m not going anywhere, I can’t leave him “ someone was pulling him away again, but this time it was more forceful and in his tired state Tyler couldn’t put much of a fight.

He ended up on his ass on the ground with someone holding his shoulders to stop him from surging back to Josh on the ground.

“ I-I can’t leave him, he needs me, please” he couldn’t fight anymore so he turned to begging, trying to make them realize how important it was that he was there, that Josh wasn’t alone.

“ It’s alright sir, I understand, but we need to work on him and with you standing in the way we can’t help him. “ the other two paramedics were already working on Josh, loading him on a stretcher and looking him over.

Someone was pulling Tyler up to his feet, steadying him so he won’t fall back on the ground. Josh was being carried towards the ambulance and a hand pulled him in the same direction, his feet following the command on autopilot. Inside the vehicle Josh’s shirt was ripped open and some kind of gel was poured over his chest.

“Sir, let’s settle you into the front of the ambulance so we can get to the hospital faster” someone was leading him towards the passenger door and he instantly panicked

“No, I need to be there with him, please “ they didn’t understand how important it was for him to be there with Josh, to hold his hand, to just be  _there._

“ We will need the space to work on him” as the paramedic was saying that Tyler heard “Clear” and then a jolt of electricity cracking loudly. In a couple of seconds another “clear” was yelled, followed by even more violent sound of electricity cracking and body thudding against the plastic stretcher.

Tyler felt so sick he couldn’t hold back and threw up just outside the ambulance, leaning on the door.

Another loud thud followed and someone was screaming “turn the engine on, we need to hurry come on “. Someone helped Tyler get into the passenger seat at the front of the ambulance, then sirens were blaring and they took off. The sounds of defibrillator echoed and mixed with the sirens and voices at the back, making Tyler’s head spin. His head hurt, stomach twisting with the need to empty its contents as soon as possible and his heart physically hurt from how scared he was that Josh wasn’t going to make it.  

Burying his head in his hands, Tyler let himself cry while the car blazed down the streets with full speed. He had to call Josh's mom and tell her what happened. Mark, he had to call Mark too. Tyler knew that, but at the same time he felt like he couldn't possibly form a coherent sentence at the state he was in.

His phone rang in his pocket and Tyler struggled pulling it out, blurry vision barely recognizing the caller’s ID as Mark. Automatically he picked up, bringing the phone close to his ear, where Mark’s worried tone tried to reach him, but Tyler was so far way in his head it could never reach him.

“ Ty, what’s going on ? Laura called me and said you ran out of the house screaming for Josh ? “ his friend sounded confused and worried and Tyler really did want to tell him what happened, but his brain had different plans.  “Ty ? Please talk to me buddy what happened ?”

“ Hospital “ Tyler said, his thoughts complete chaos “ Please “ it didn’t make any sense, but Mark must’ve understood because he said “I’m on my way, Ty just hold on” and hung up. Tyler cried.

When the ambulance entered the hospital’s driveway Tyler could see a big group of doctors and nurses already waiting for them outside , all wearing tense and worried expressions.  The moment the vehicle pulled to a stop the back doors were swung open and Josh was taken outside, loaded on the stretcher and wheeled inside the hospital. Tyler stumbled after them, trying to hold Josh’s hand for as long as he could while the doctors were working around him in attempt to save what was left of his best friend. 

A nurse – Lilly, Tyler recognized her the moment she saw her, tried to pull him to the side, but his grip on Josh’s hand was deadly.

“Tyler, please, I know you want to be there for him but we need to work on Josh and you’re getting in the way “ she was pulling at his shoulder while Josh was being moved from the stretcher to the ER operating table.

When he didn’t react another nurse joined Lilly on his other side, trying to drag him away from his friend’s unmoving body.

“Please Tyler, you need to let the doctors do what they need to do. You want Josh to get better right ? “ he was nodding, because that was ALL he wanted right now “ Then please, step back and let them do their job. I promise you Josh is in good hands “ she was petting his hair and pulling him by the hand until his resolve crumbled and he let go of Josh’s hand and stumbled back a few steps.

“Please save him “ Tyler begged, terrified by how pale and sick Josh looked lying on the cold operating table “ You have to save him, he can’t die “ and he was crying again, helpless sobs racking his body, while Lilly and the other nurse gently lead him out of the operating room and into the waiting area. They helped him sit on one of the chairs, brought him water and stayed for a moment before dr. Lewis called them back into the room to help.

Alone and absolutely terrified Tyler sat on the plastic chair, thoughts scattering around like scared ants, running in every direction. His head was buried in his hands and tears ran freely down his cheeks and wet his shirt.  People were walking in and out of the operating room, rushing , running, shouting. The sounds of defibrillator made Tyler’s heart clench so hard in his chest he lost his breath of a moment. Josh was dying.  Oh God.

The sounds were driving Tyler mad, he couldn’t just sit around and listen to the doctors try to electrocute Josh’s heat into beating again so he stumbled onto his feet and moved along with their rhythm, not completely aware where he was going.  He reached the front entrance of the hospital and pushed through the doors only to be met by a dozen of people with cameras and phones, all pointing towards him the moment he stepped out. They all asked him questions, about the videos, about Josh, about himself, about why he was at the hospital, not giving him a second to breathe.

Something ugly and foul was twisting in his chest, anger , frustration and pain all boiling together to make his mind blank with white hot rage.

“ You all have the fucking nerve “ he practically growled , tears streaming down his face wetting it.  Everyone went quiet, not expecting such reaction from the collected and quiet Tyler they knew. But he wasn’t that Tyler anymore, not after everything he just went through. He was angry. He was fucking mad.  “ You have the fucking nerve to come here after everything you’ve done ? “ Tyler was screaming, but he didn’t care anymore.  “ Josh is dying. He’s inside right now dying and it’s all your fault “ he pointed at everyone standing outside, stunned into silence by his emotional outburst. “ You and your fucking need to make stories out of people’s misery. “ people were coming out of the hospital to see what was all the noise about, but Tyler couldn’t bring himself to care.  He needed to get everything out of his system or he’d probably go mad “If Josh dies tonight, it’s going to be on all of you, do you hear me ? “ he spat, anger boiling inside of his bones and blinding him completely.

Someone was grabbing at his hand and Tyler instantly pulled it back, trying to fight the hands off of him.

“Ty” it was Mark’s voice and hearing it made Tyler crash back to Earth with such force he almost dropped to his knees “ Ty, come on, let’s go inside. “ Mark was hugging him and he relaxed, losing his will to fight anymore. “ And all of you “ Mark pointed to the people still crowded outside, looking scared and guilty “ You should feel ashamed of yourselves. I hope you can’t sleep tonight, because you are the reason for all of this mess “ he finished, turning his back on them and lead Tyler inside the hospital to help him sit down.

The singer clung to him, fisting his jacket in between numb fingers and cried into his chest. Mark tried not to cry for Tyler’s sake , but the scene was so heartbreaking he couldn’t hold back his own tears. 

“It’s okay Ty, Josh is going to be alright “ Mark cooed and rubbed his friend’s back, trying to get him to calm down.  “ Ty, come on , you need to breathe man “ but Tyler was choking and sobbing, sorrow filling his lungs and pushing out the air that he needed to breathe.

Soon Josh’s entire family was there too, his mom joining Mark in their attempts to calm Tyler down and he felt a pang of shame for being such a mess.  He managed to calm down after a while and looking around he saw the waiting area full of people, all friends of Tyler and Josh, all of them scared to death. He wasn’t the only one who cared about the drummer; he wasn’t the only one suffering. He needed to pull his shit together and be strong for Josh, because Josh has always been strong for him.

It was quiet. Almost nobody talked and the ones who did were whispering quietly.  Tyler’s parents came down to the hospital as well, bringing him clothes and shoes. He almost forgot that he actually ran out of the house with his bare feet and still had no shoes on. The night was cold, so the clothes made him feel a little bit better, a little bit more sane.

After a while ( to Tyler it felt like hours) Josh was taken out of the ER , making everyone jump from their seats in anticipation. Tyler caught a glimpse of his best friend’s body being wheeled away, the fading blue hair now almost white, almost as white as his face and as blue as his lips.  Dr. Lewis approached the small crowd of people who fell in dreadful silence, waiting for the verdict.

“ We’ve stabilized Josh “ he started and everyone let out a sigh of relief, but they knew better than to celebrate just yet. “ His condition is still critical and we are not sure he’s going to survive the night, considering the damage on his internal organs caused by lack of oxygen.  “ Tyler was shaking , holding back the sobs that threatened to tear his body apart.

“ We’ve taken Josh to the intensive care unit, where my team will do their best to help him make it through the night. But it’s all up to Josh and God now.  If he survives the next 12 hours his chances of pulling this through will grow considerably. I will keep you updated . “ when the doctor finished he nodded at everyone and turned to leave. Tyler’s feet moved without his permission and before he knew it he was next to dr. Lewis, grabbing his forearm and making him stop.

“ Tyler, son “ the elderly man smiled sadly, his eyes sparkling with sympathy. “ I’m really sorry we have to meet again like this. I was hoping that Josh will find a way to mend his emotional wounds somehow. Poor boy  “ the doctor shook his head, making Tyler want to crawl up to the nearest corner and die. “ Were you the one who found him ? “ Tyler nodded, remembering how the stars reflected in the dark surface of the lake where Josh was lying still and not breathing. “ You did well, Tyler. You found him just on time. If you were late a minute late he might’ve died. You did well “ dr. Lewis reached with his hand around Tyler’s shoulder and held him close for a minute before letting go and giving him another sad and tired smile.

“You should go have some rest. It’s going to be a long night. I’ll send someone to you If there’s any change, alright ? “ Tyler nodded and let the doctor go, leaving him feeling empty and hallow.  His eyes hurt from all the crying and lack of sleep and his legs were melting underneath him. He didn’t want to sleep or eat or do anything. He just wanted Josh. No, he _needed_ him. Tylr had nothing left to do, but turn to Him , to ask him, to beg him to save his best friend, even though he knew he didn’t deserve His help. He wasn’t doing it for himself though. He was doing it for Josh.

 

Tyler didn’t remember exactly how he ended up in the hospital’s chapel. His thoughts were chaotic and jumbled, too messed up by all the stress and worry that has been building up in the past weeks and months.  He didn’t even remember the last time he  _actually_  prayed. Not reciting some prayer he read somewhere or heard his parents say on a Thanks giving dinner. But actually talking to God, prayer coming straight from his heart,  words to God that he meant and felt deep within himself. He hasn’t prayed in a long while.

Tyler couldn‘t remember walking into the small chapel, he didn’t remember taking the ten steps down towards the altar in the very end of the isle, he couldn’t recall falling down to his knees, hands clasped tightly together. 

Yet here he was, kneeling on the worn out carpet with a weight in his heart so heavy he felt like it was filled with lead and every beat of it thudded in his chest and rattled his bones. Tyler was gritting his teeth against the waterfall of apologies, regrets and pleads for forgiveness that bubbled up in his chest and stuck in his throat  on their way out. This wasn’t about him though. He didn’t come here to plead for redemption or seek forgiveness for his own sins. That was a waste of time.

Shifting on his knees, Tyler squeezed his eyes shut and tried to will the entire universe to help him form the words in his mind, to express how badly he needed God’s help right now. No, not him. It wasn’t about him.

A fierce stab of pain pierced Tyler’s heart when he reminded himself once again why he was there, kneeling on the worn out rug and holding onto the faint hope that maybe if he clasped his hands tighter or prayed louder God will hear him and answer his prayer.

“ Please” Tyler whispered, holding his hands right under his chin, head tilted down in submission, fingers squeezing each other in a sweaty grip “ Please, God” he could feel his knees hurting, stuck in this position for too long, his body trembling with grief and unvoiced pain, his throat dry and sore from crying. None of that mattered though. One thing and one thing only was on his mind “Please don’t take him away from me”. The actual thought, the mere possibility of losing forever his best friend made Tyler choke, the rest of the words sticking to his dry throat like wet sand. He couldn’t breathe. “ I’ll do anything, I’ll give everything up, I’ll be whoever you want me to be, just please, God,  ** _please,_** don’t take him yet “ .

Tyler received no answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for leaving you hanging like this, but this chapter is like 9k words long and I needed to split it. But worry not, I'll post the next chapter as soon as I can.
> 
> In the meantime you can hate me and yell at me, because I deserve it for being such a terrible person.


	31. I realize that this line is dead, so I'll follow You instead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SORRY FOR MAKING YOU WAIT SO LONG, I AM SUCH A DIPCRAP
> 
> Here's the longest chapter I've written so far as sort of apology.
> 
> Trigger warning for mentioned suicide attempt and suicidal thoughts.
> 
> Cry with me fellas

===The title is taken from "March to the sea" by Twenty One Pilots ====

 

The hours following Josh’s suicide attempt were the worst in Tyler’s life, despite how many awful moments he went through while Josh was recovering from his kidnapping and torture.  Not only did he have to live with the constant uncertainty and fear of losing Josh, but he couldn’t stop thinking about the pain his best friend must’ve been in to do something so drastic and try to take his own life.

Tyler was no stranger to the feeling of being trapped in your own head, looking for hope and light, but finding nothing but the four walls that kept the light of the outside world from breaking in.  He knew how emotional pain could hurt a lot worse than broken bones and broken skin.  He used to feel guilty for a lot of things, being alive included and knew, not to the devastating extend that Josh felt it, but he still knew the feeling.   And it killed him inside to know that his best friend was hurting so badly a few feet away from him and he couldn’t do anything to sooth his pain and make it better somehow.

It was unforgivable really,  how he failed to help Josh when the latter always went out of his way to make sure Tyler was okay, that he didn’t feel lonely or sad or even slightly uncomfortable.  Josh had that ability to make people feel happy with nothing more than a simple smile, releasing so much light Tyler was sometimes afraid his soul will pour out of his eyes when they crinkled with happiness.  

They didn’t crinkle anymore though , Josh barely smiled and when he did it never reached his eyes. They stayed sad and full of pain, the warm brown color smeared with things he saw and could never unsee.  Going through something so dramatically life changing turned his best friend from a ball of sunshine and happiness where birds used to find home,  into a barren land, devastated by guilt, pain and fear. Seeing that light go out in his mocha colored eyes was probably the most difficult thing for Tyler to witness . For the millionth time in the past couple of hours Tyler felt the yielding pain of losing something that could never be replaced spread in his chest, traveling up his airways and turning into sobs on the way out.

Jenna hugged him tighter, closer, sniffling herself and Tyler felt the infinite gratefulness for having such an incredible woman by his side in a moment like this.

“Shhh” she gently hushed him, wiping his tears with her shaky fingers. “ It’s gonna be alright baby, just have a little patience “ she whispered and Tyler leaned into her touch, feeling so lost and scared he  needed  the reassurance like the air in his lungs. 

They were curled up in the lounge, where the nurses usually stayed when they had breaks,  convinced by Jess and Lilly to use it instead because it was warmer in there and had nice soft furniture, unlike the plastic chairs in the waiting rooms.  The ICU and ER unit crew has grown pretty close to Tyler and his family and friends during the long stay just a little while ago, when Josh was recovering from his multiple injuries and won over the entire staff’s hearts.  Everyone, from nurses to doctors and specialists were touched by Josh’s battle to stay alive during his nightmarish captivity and how brave and courageous he has been in his recovery, despite losing his voice and eventually sight.

So now, when the news of what happened to Josh has spread around the hospital everyone was affected and felt for him deeply, as well as for his family and friends who literally occupied the halls and waiting rooms.  Everybody wanted Josh to make it.  Everybody but Josh himself

Tyler felt guilty for bringing Josh back, despite his very clear and loud refusal to go on and keep fighting this very uneven fight with the things he has seen and experienced.  He knew that he did the right thing, because what was he supposed to do, let Josh bleed out on the grass ? But it didn’t help quell his guilt or settle his mind that wondered exactly what pushed his best friend towards choosing death. Was it the constant flashbacks bringing him back to that hell he barely managed to escape ? The guilt of surviving when other people didn’t ? The shame of experiencing things that were too out of his control to stop ?  It must’ve been unbearable, having to wake up every morning with this burden on his frail shoulders, unable to share it with anyone else in fear they’ll break.  Josh never spoke about what he went through, keeping everything buried deep inside where no one could reach or see. It was probably eating him alive. Tyler felt like a terrible friend for not trying to reach deeper, In fear he’ll set him off or trigger him into a panic attack.  Being quiet and keeping everything inside was probably worse , so Tyler constantly cursed himself for being too coward to ask Josh to talk.

The timing of Josh’s  actions made Tyler think that maybe he went online and stumbled onto something that hurt him , like an article, a comment or God forbid a video.  Josh has always been easy to get hurt, as sensitive and naïve as a child. Those traits were usually the ones that made people fall in love with the drummer’s personality, but also the ones that brought him the most heartache.  Reading something upsetting or disrespectful could definitely push him to do something like this, considering the state he was already in.  Tyler wanted to personally choke everyone who disrespected his best friend in any way and considering how many people discussed the videos and made sure to spread them around he had a lot of work to do.

Jenna was making soft snoring sounds next to Tyler who smiled at how endearing his wife looked while asleep.  She was leaning back on the pillows , still holding Tyler’s hand in hers but too overwhelmed by lack of sleep and exhaustion to stay awake any longer. He was barely awake too, tired brain switching on and off every once in a while, but the constant fear of hearing bad news kept him awake and scared. Every time someone entered the lounge he’d straighten up, with heart jumping out of his throat in anticipation and fear. Nurses came and went, to get coffee or food or to just comfort them as they sat in silence and darkness waiting for any news.

Tyler glanced at the clock, probably for the 100th time for the last 20 minutes but the time barely passed at all. It was still 4am, he was still unbearably tired and his heart was still clenched so tightly in his chest it felt caved in.  He couldn’t stand sitting at one spot any longer, overtaken by the need to be close to Josh he stood up slowly , making sure that Jenna didn’t wake up and sneaked out of the room. The halls were mostly empty and dimmed, lights coming from operating rooms and adjoining corridors.  The singer moved, his feet carrying him straight to the third floor where the ICU unit was placed and where Josh was currently being held at.

When Tyler climbed up to the floor he was met with a nurse sitting at a reception who looked up at him with surprise.

“Sir, you can’t be he- “ she started, but recognizing Tyler her voice got softer and she smiled at him

“ Tyler, I know you want to see Josh, but he’s still not ready for visitations “ she stepped in front of the reception and placed her hand on his shoulder when she saw his lip tremble.

All of a sudden Tyler was overtaken by a wave of guilt accompanied with white hot wave of sadness that almost knocked him off his feet.

“I wanted to sing him a song “ he blurted out, voice trembling and heart racing in his aching chest.   The nurse stared at him for a moment, taken aback by the strange request.

“I’m not sure the doctor will allow it “ she said with sympathy in her eyes and voice. “ You will wake up the other patients who are asleep “

“ I’ll be really quiet “ Tyler whispered, the tears escaping his barely opened eyelids without his permission. “ Please, I just want to see him for a second. I need to see him. “ he begged with voice barely above whisper “ Last time I saw him … he was so cold “  he shuddered at the memory of Josh’s freezing body illuminated by the moon, painting his skin white and making it so so cold. “ I just want to touch him, that’s all I want “ the nurse had tears in her own eyes, witnessing the devastation that poured out of his every fiber and cell.

“ I will talk to the doctor “ she promised “ Just wait for me over here okay ? “ he nodded, automatic response that his body adopted when asked a question. He couldn’t think. If he did , he would probably go mad so he let his instincts lead him.

Waiting was torturous to Tyler , who slid down the wall and sat on the floor, hugging his knees to his chest. It was quiet on this floor, probably the quietest in the entire hospital. Patients who stay here are either in a deep coma or teetering on the edge between life and death, quietly in their hospital beds , tracing their lives in their heads.

Tyler was doing the same, despite being a little bit further away from death then them, but still wondering what was expected of him, in between his birth and death, in between his enter and exit. 

He almost expected to be turned down and sent back to have rest when the nurse came back with a soft smile on her face which gave Tyler a twinge of hope.

“ You have 5 minutes, Tyler “ she barely managed to say when Tyler literally lurched forward to give her a hug.  “

“Thank you, thank you so much, so much “ he was babbling while his brain tried to catch up with the fact that he’s going to see Josh in a minute . “ The nurse hugged him back and  smiled.

“It’s okay “she said and let him go,  leading him down the narrow corridor. “ First you’re going to have to put this on “ she gave him a medical mask  “ If you want to touch him you’ll have to wear gloves “ she handed him a pair of medical gloves as well.  “ Like I said, he’s not quite ready for visitations yet . Right now we’re giving him blood transfusion because of the blood loss and dialysis to help his kidney working.  His body is still very weak and this added trauma will probably worsen his overall condition, so we need to be very careful .  “ Tyler put on the mask and gloves, staring absentmindedly at the floor, a part of him longing to hold Josh close and see him and another part scared and desperate to run away as far as possible.  

“You have five minutes, okay ? I”ll come back for you “ the nurse gently rubbed his shoulder, leaving him alone in front of the closed door.

It felt like some sort of cruel déjà vu that kept happening to Tyler , standing in front of hospital rooms scared out of his damn mind, expecting the worse and praying that Josh was okay. He still remembered the horror he experienced back in Syria, when Josh was brought to the hospital in Damask in such bad condition everyone doubted he’ll make it.  Even Tyler himself didn’t quite believe that Josh will be able to heal from the severed state he was in. Josh had wounds upon wounds upon wounds, every inch of his body bruised and cut.  It still gave him nightmares, seeing Josh covered in blood and gasping in agony.  He’d walked a long road since then, spending months recovering from his injuries, learning to speak again, to walk again, to trust people again. And even though time passed it couldn’t heal his emotional wounds, it couldn’t root out the pain and guilt that grew inside of his chest, suffocating him.

Tyler’s hand hovered above the door handle, emotional storm tearing inside of his ribcage and rooting him to the spot. Josh was inside, fighting for the life he didn’t want and probably couldn’t handle. It was probably too much, too painful, too exhausting. It was selfish of Tyler to want for Josh to have this kind of life where every day was agony, but he loved his best friend too much to let him go.

Opening the door as quietly as possible Tyler walked inside the room where Josh was propped on a pile of pillows in his hospital bed, still pale and sick looking, but it was  _him,_ breathing in and out in a steady rhythm.  There was a tube in his mouth that connected to a machine near his bed, presumably to help his lungs with breathing.  Other smaller tubes went in and out of his arms and chest, pumping drugs and God knows what else in him. 

Josh’s face looked relaxed which gave Tyler a fleeting hope that at least his friend wasn’t in pain.  He didn’t want to think about how Josh will feel when he wakes up, still in pain, still trapped in a broken body, still having to struggle with everything in his life.  It tore Tyler apart just to think about how terrible Josh will feel when he learned about the videos being seen by literally everyone online. Like all the horrors that happened to his best friend weren’t punishment enough, it all had to be put on display for the praying eyes of the public. 

Tyler felt his resolve crumbling as the clock ticked his 5 minutes away.  Walking quietly he neared the bed and kneeled down, settling himself in eye-level with his sleeping friend on the bed. Josh looked even paler up close and the thick scars littering his neck stood out even more stark than usually

Tyler took a deep breath to suppress the tears and did what he came here in the first place. He sang.

_You taught me the courage of stars before you left._

_How light carries on endlessly, within every breath._

_With shortness of breath, you explained the infinite_.

_How rare and beautiful it is to even exist._

_I couldn’t help but ask_   _for you to say it all again._  
I tried to write it down  _but I could never find a pen._  
I’d give anything to hear  _you say it one more time,  
That the universe was made_   _just to be seen by my eyes._

Josh steered on the bed, his pulse growing faster as Tyler’s voice became more unsteady. Maybe Josh could hear him. Maybe Tyler was hurting him this way, reminding him of the words Josh has once told him when their roles were reversed. 

Tyler only had another minute before the nurse came back and lead him away.  He grabbed Josh’s cold hand in his, hoping that wherever his best friend was right now it didn’t hurt.

 _Maybe your light is a seed_   _,and the darkness the dirt  
In spite of the uneven odds_   _, beauty lifts from the earth_

He ended his song with a whisper, because he couldn’t manage to sing when his voice trembled like that. But hope was blooming in his chest against all odds and common sense. Looking at his best friend breathe in and breathe out, the beat of his heart underneath Tyler’s fingertips thrumming with the rhythm of life it and the sheer fact that Josh was alive was making the world a better and brighter place. Leaning in as close as he could to the drummer’s ear he whispered the last two sentences of the song he thought would be a goodbye, but ended up written as a thank you :

 _You’re fast asleep now_  
_So I write these words down,  
**Darkness exists to make light truly count.**_

 

When the nurse took Tyler out of the room he felt like floating. Finally being able to see Josh was both a huge relief , but also brought more pain from how tortured he looked.  It’s almost like he melted away, faded into the air like smoke as Tyler watched him disappear.  His body became weaker, skin paler, voice quieter. He hated, hated HATED how helpless he felt as he watched his best friend dissolve in front of his very eyes.  And this right now was probably the lowest point of Josh’s journey and the hours following it will be the worst in Tyler’s and his best friend’s life.  The singer had no idea what to tell Josh to help him see how important he is, how much he means to him and to so many people, how precious his life and his light is to the Universe.  God it was ridiculous how much he missed Josh’s smile, it was like an ache in his chest that wouldn’t go away. There wasn’t anything Tyler could compare to the pure positive energy that flowed out of the blue haired man when he smiled or laughed, the gesture so pure and so warm there were no words to describe it.  And taking away that smile felt like a criminal act against humanity. Tyler felt cold without it.

He didn’t feel like going back to the waiting room just yet and face everyone’s worried and sympathetic eyes so Tyler once again let his feet carry him somewhere else, which appeared to be the small hospital chapel again.  He found something peaceful and calming among the candles and the smell of wax and old wood, mixing with the tranquilizing scent of incense. Maybe it had nothing to do with the smell itself, but the feeling of being closer to God, where he could ask Him for help and feel like He could hear him.

Quietly stepping in Tyler noticed he wasn’t the only one who came looking for hope to the small church. Another figure was already kneeling in front of the altar , with clasped hands and a string of beads ending with a cross in-between them.  Tyler was just about to turn around and leave , considerate of the other person’s privacy and feeling like an intruder, but he stopped himself when he recognized the kneeling figure. It was Laura, Josh’s mom praying quietly with her eyes closed and Tyler’s heart was crushed with sympathy for her. She loved Josh more than anything in the world, along with her other children of course and seeing him like this, on the brink of death must’ve been absolutely excruciating for her.  Pondering whether to leave or stay and pray with her , the singer lingered at the door awkwardly. He didn’t want to intrude, but he did want to pray too, so he stepped inside, walking quietly towards the altar, careful not to scare her.

Laura opened her eyes and looked up when Tyler neared the end of the red rug where the altar was placed and smiled at him. Tyler smiled back, although his smile was fleeting and left a bitter taste In his mouth that lingered while he stood next to her and kneeled down in front of the tall wooden cross.

They were silent for a moment and the singer assumed that Laura just went back to praying, but a few moments later he could hear her breath coming in short and abrupt gasps and realized she was crying. Tyler sighted, trying to hold his own tears back and turned towards the crying woman, putting his hand on her upper arm in attempt to sooth her.  She wiped her face with a napkin and turned her head in his direction, revealing a pair of almond shaped eyes that radiated kindness in the exact same way her son’s eyes did. They looked so much alike Tyler always found pieces of Josh in her, not only with the way she looked, but also in her personality. They were both amazing individuals and the singer hated seeing either of them suffer.

“ I gave this to Josh when he left home to tour with you years ago, back when you were just starting out “ Laura’s voice sounded thick and raspy as she held onto the string of beads in her hands. Tyler remembered this piece of jewelry being around Josh’s neck or wrist many times, especially when the drummer felt nervous about a particular show or performance.  He used to say that it carried a piece of home inside of it and brought him luck. It always made Tyler think the same about Josh, who was a piece of home for Tyler to hold onto no matter where in the world they were.  He always knew that it was dangerous to make homes out of people, because doing that could leave you homesick and sad and that’s exactly how Tyler felt right now.

“ I wanted him to carry a part of us everywhere he went “ she continued, still wiping her face from the tears that didn’t seem to stop pouring out. “ When he was leaving for the humanitarian mission he didn’t take it with him, because someone told him it was dangerous to wear Christian –related things there. I shouldn’t have let him leave without it “ the sentence ended up with a sob and all Tyler could do was rub her upper arm with his fingers and feel for her. He knew exactly how she felt. Not a day went by that he didn’t blame himself for letting Josh leave so easily, for not going to Syria with him or for not insisting he came back earlier. It was a thing he would never stop feeling guilty about and he realized he wasn’t the only one feeling that kind of gut wrenching guilt.

“None of this was your fault “ Tyler said gently.  Laura shook her head

“ I shouldn’t have left him all one, not in the state he was in “ she couldn’t stop crying, probably replaying the events from the last 24 hours in the same  manner Tyler did, revisiting every possibility of doing something differently. “ I didn’t even hear him leave … how .. how did he even make it so far on his own , Tyler ? “

“ None of us knew what was happening inside his head, Laura, there is nothing you could’ve done “ Tyler said , but he knew how guilty he felt for falling asleep while Josh was planning to kill himself. “ And after all I was the one who stayed with Josh, I fell asleep when I should’ve kept an eye on him and he left while I slept “ the singer spat out and felt the tears burning in his eyes. “ I should’ve listened to you and call an ambulance and take in to the hospital ..  none of this would’ve happened if I listened to you “ now he was rubbing his eyes, because he didn’t mean to cry and make Josh’s mom even more uspet “ I’m so sorry “ he was apologizing , not sure about what exactly, but the need to voice it was too much

“ Oh Ty “ Laura pulled him into a tight embrace and Tyler moved from his position on his knees and sat on the floor instead. “ You don’t need to apologize to anyone, the least to me. You were the one who found Josh and saved his life, he’s alive thanks to you “ the warm hug and reassuring words were everything Tyler needed right now, melting into the embrace and letting his emotions out

“ I can’t stand looking at him like that anymore “ he cried, ashamed of how easily he broke down these days “ He doesn’t deserve any of this, he never done anything wrong and I just don’t understand why ? If God is real and if he can really see and hear everything , how could He let this happen to Josh ? “Sadness was turning into anger and Tyler couldn’t stop if from seeping out of him “ Out of all people this happened to Josh who never hurt anyone in his entire life, who has never been anything but good and kind to everyone and who always forgave everything and God I just don’t fucking get it “ he cursed in a church and would probably be ashamed of himself if it wasn’t for the ache spreading in his lungs “ He was trying so hard to get better for us, but you know what ? We failed him. I failed him and if he dies it will be all my fault. “ crying at his earnest Tyler didn’t care about the noise he was making in the quiet church or about the wetness now staining his shirt.

“Shhh” Laura was rubbing his back slowly, not saying anything probably understanding how little words meant right now. This kind of pain could not be tamed with words of comfort; it just had to pour out of his system.

“ I have  always been afraid that he will hurt himself while helping others “ she said after a few beats of silence “ Josh was always careless about hurting himself in the name of somebody else’s comfort. His heart has always been opened for people, no matter how many times they have taken advantage of that and hurt him “ Tyler’s heart squeezed painfully at that thought and he wondered how many times Josh went to his mom for comfort and reassurance after someone broke his heart without looking back. The two has always been close; Josh often shared with Tyler his idea of tattooing her name on his body to show how much his mom meant to him.

“I just feel like I haven’t done enough to protect him. It’s a guilt I’ll be carrying around with me as a mom, as well as you will carry yours as his best friend “ Tyler has stopped crying and only hiccupped every once in a while. Laura understood him in a way nobody else could. And sharing his pain with her has been almost therapeutic , because she knew exactly how he felt.

A quiet knock on the wooden chapel door drew both of them out of their thoughts and turning around Tyler could see a nurse standing in the doorway. His heart dropped all the way down to his feet, eyes widening and hands shaking. He stood up, followed by Laura who looked just as frightened as him. Thankfully the nurse was smiling softly, indicating that the news weren’t bad.

“ Mr. Joseph, mrs. Dun , I’m sorry to interrupt. I just wanted to let you know that Josh has been moved to a recovery unit and visitations are now allowed. “ he heard Josh’s mom clasp her hands together and say a quiet “Thank you Lord” , hugging Tyler close. Tyler felt a twinge of hope burning in his heart, but tried to ignore it as best as possible and not get his hopes too high.

“Thank you” Laura said to the nurse who smiled back and then turned around to leave.

Tyler wanted nothing more but to run down to the room where Josh was and hug his best friend close, feel his pulse beating steady underneath his pale skin. But he had family who was just as worried about Josh as him , so he restrained himself from doing that and instead waited out until they went and saw the drummer first.

In the meantime he roamed through the hospital corridors without much thought about where he was going and ended up in oncology. The walls were painted in bright and happy colors, with all kinds of decorations covering them up and down – animals, flowers and smiley faces. It took Tyler almost a full minute to realize he was in pediatric oncology , a fact that made him feel slightly uncomfortable. A kind looking nurse approached Tyler, probably noticing his lost expression

“ Hello, can I help you with anything ? Are you looking for somebody ? “ Tyler was a bit taken aback and didn’t answer straight away, because quite frankly he had no idea what or who he was looking for. After a moment of feeling and most likely looking  very lost he blurted out “Is Kevin here ?” but regretted it almost instantly. It sounded like a dumb thing to say, plus he had no idea what the kid’s last name was. He wasn’t  a relative, so they would probably not even let him see Kevin.

“ Kevin ? “ the nurse was slightly surprised, but a smile spread on her face in a few seconds “ Oh do you mean the boy who was left here by his parents ? “ and Tyler nodded, relieved that he will not have to explain himself further. “Of course,  do you want to see him ? “ he nodded again, wondering what the hell will he tell the kid when he actually saw him “ Are you a relative ? “ this time Tyler shook his head.

“No, I just … he’s a friend of my friend who’s … um .. not doing well right now “ talking was obviously a huge problem for Tyler right now , because he blushed after finishing the sentence , barely understanding it himself.

“ Kevin is always very happy when he has visitors “ the nurse, who had a badge saying “ Robyn” attached to her uniform. “ Unfortunately that doesn’t happen very often.  Please, follow me, I’m sure Kev will be very happy to see you “ Robyn lead him down the corridor, that looked more like a kindergarten or a an elementary school rather than hospital.

Kevin’s room was nice and very bright and colorful just like the rest of the unit. There were a couple of animal  shaped balloons attached to his bed, as well as bunch of toys on the bedside table and around his bed. Knowing that most of the toys must’ve come from Jenna made Tyler’s heart hurt from how much he loved his wife.

The boy had clean shaved head and pale skin and looked smaller than his age. He was currently playing on a portable video game, but the moment Tyler and Robyn walked in he looked up with curiosity and a tiny twinge of hope. Maybe he was hoping that his parents has finally showed up to take him home. Tyler cursed himself when he felt tears filling his tired sleep deprived eyes.

“Kevin, this is … “ the nurse turned to Tyler with questioning expression

“um .. Tyler. I’m Tyler” he said , feeling awkward and out of place. To his surprise Kevin smiled and waved at him with his small hand which made the singer’s heart leap with pure joy.

“ I will leave you two to chat “ Robyn smiled kindly , patting Tyler on the shoulder and leaving the room. Tyler stood in his place with his hands fiddling with the hem of his shirt, not sure what to do next.

The boy was observing him with curiosity , leaving the video game controller on the blanket in front of him.

“Do you play ? “ Kevin asked and pointed towards the controller.

“Um .. yeah, I guess. What are you playing ? “ Tyler stuttered over his words, still feeling intimidated by the boy for some mysterious reason.

“ Mario cart. Wanna join ? “ nodding, Tyler made his way towards Kevin’s bed. The closer he got the stronger the feeling of sadness that tugged on his heart got, now able to see all the wired and tubes leaving his tiny body.

Kevin moved to one side, leaving the other side of the bed free for Tyler to sit down. He hesitated for a moment, but the boy kept looking at him expectantly so he sat down and grabbed one of the controllers and fiddled with it.

“ You remember Josh , right ? “ he asked, nervous about the fact that he knew who Kevin was, but the boy didn’t know who he was.

The boy’s face literally beamed with happiness when the singer mentioned his friend’s name and nodded enthusiastically.

“Josh is my best friend” he said with a huge smile and Tyler felt foolishly jealous which was ridiculous considering the situation. “ He helped me draw this “ the boy abandoned his controller and rummaged around the bedside table , before whipping out a white piece of paper and showing it proudly to Tyler.

The drawing was simple and very childlike and it took Tyler a good minute of staring at it to make something out of it.  There were three figures drawn messily with colorful pastels, one of them was obviously Kevin because he was the smallest and didn’t have any hair. The other figure was probably Josh, but it was hard to tell so Tyler took a guess. The third one had a red beanie on and the singer’s breath hitched in his throat, because this must’ve been Josh’s piece of drawing. The Tyler on paper was holding a ukulele ( or at least that’s what Tyler thought the brown weird thing in his left hand was) and everyone was holding hands together. Something in his chest was bursting and breaking, because imagining Josh sitting here drawing this picture of Tyler was too much right now.

“This is me “ Kevin pointed to the smallest figure on the paper. “ This is Josh “ he said pointing at the curly mess next to the boy “ And this is Josh’s guardian angel “ the boy finished and Tyler couldn’t hold his tears back any longer and burst out crying in his fisted hands. Kevin looked at him with big brown eyes laced with understanding and sympathy.  “ It’s okay to cry “ he said wisely “ Josh cried too, but I told him everything will be okay “ the boy patted Tyler on the shoulder “ He was pretty sick like me, but I told him that his angel will help him heal. I asked him if he could be my guardian angel and he nodded, so I guess that meant yes “ the boy continued talking and making Tyler feel the stabbing pain in his heart grow deeper and deeper.

“ Yeah , he told me you became really good friends “ Tyler rasped out because he felt stupid sitting there listening to the kid talk while he said nothing himself.

“Best friends” Kevin corrected him with a serious expression. “ Do you know Josh ?”

“Yeah I know him. He’s still pretty sick, but I think he’ll be just fine.” Tyler answered

“Can you give this to him ? “ Kevin pushed the drawing in his hands

“Yeah, sure” Tyler smiled at the boy who beamed back and grabbed his controller off the bed and turned towards the videogame in front of him.

“Do you still wanna play ? “ Tyler nodded and grabbed his own controller to join the game.

 

They played for a while and Tyler let him win almost every game, because honestly the boy was so endearing he didn’t have it in him to beat him. Kevin stroked him as a smart boy for his age, maybe too smart or too wise which spoke a lot about how tough his life has been. Tyler didn’t talk much and let the boy do most of the chatting, because he didn’t trust his voice and because Kevin seemed to love to talk.  He actually had good time, the video game taking his mind off the horrible reality and helping him relax a bit. About half an hour later Robyn came back to give Kevin his chemo meds and Tyler had to leave the boy to rest, the chemo apparently being rough on his young but already pretty exhausted body. He clutched the drawing in his hands while walking slowly down a couple of floors to the ICU, feeling both a little bit better but also a bit sadder. The boy asked him If he wanted to be friends and when Tyler said yes he looked so happy it almost made Tyler cry all over again. Apparently aside from Josh and Jenna later on Kevin had no friends and nobody came to visit him. He promised the kid to come back soon and felt something heavy and painful deep in his gut.

Tyler stumbled onto a small crowd in front of Josh’s room, family and close friends all gathered to visit the drummer. Tyler was just about to stop and turn around when Josh’s younger sisters stepped out of the room and noticed him , waving him over. When he walked to the door they both hugged him and he felt Ashley shake slightly, guessing she has been crying.

“How is he ? “ Tyler asked when they let go

“ Still in coma “ Ashley answered , her voice shot from crying. “ His body is still in shock. Dr. Lewis said his vitals are pretty weak, but it has been getting better the last couple of hours “ she sniffled and grabbed both of his hands “ Thank you for finding him “ Tyler felt ridiculous being thanked for something like that. The guilt of letting this happen was louder than the feeling of happiness about finding Josh alive.

“Don’t Ash “ he shook his head. He couldn’t do this right now, not with all the people staring at him at the moment. “ Don’t thank me, I didn’t do anything. I wish I could’ve done more when I still had the chance to avoid this, but …. “ he shrugged, unable to explain the feeling of emptiness and guilt that sent painful chills up and down his spine every time he remembered last night’s events. “ Just don’t. It’s difficult enough “ Ashley apparently understood, because she nodded shortly and pat him on the shoulder.

“You should go see him. “ she said and left him standing in front of Josh’s door alone and conflicted.

He spotted Jenna sitting on a waiting chair down the hall, clutching a cup of coffee in her hands looking at him with softness in her eyes. She nodded at him and smiled and Tyler smiled back briefly before turning towards the door and entering the room.

Josh was lying unmoving on his back, the thick breathing tube still coming out of his mouth and into a machine near his bed.  Tyler walked the 5 steps towards the bed and observed his best friend’s frame. God he looked even thinner than before if that was even possible.  He has lost a lot of blood, a lot more than his body could handle and it was on a brink of surrender right now. Everything was supported by machines – his lungs, his heart, his kidney, every vital organ in his body. Josh’s hair was completely blond by now that it actually looked scary combined with his ghostly pale skin. Tyler couldn’t believe that he was looking at his best friend. It didn’t look like Josh at all.

He touched the drummer’s hand and found that it’s warm and soft, twitching slightly at the contact. He laced his fingers with Josh’s and squeezed as gently as he could, afraid he might actually break a bone if he applied more pressure.  Josh looked even worse than the time when he was brought back from Syria ,minus all the wounds and bruises that covered his entire body. Right now there were no bruises , but the scars were everywhere, thick and stark against his skin.  His wrists will probably never heal completely, Tyler thought bitterly while tracing one with his fingers and feeling the solid scar tissue underneath his fingertips.  His neck was in similar condition, laced with rough scar tissue that hugged his entire neck all the way from his chin to his collar bone.  Tyler felt a shudder working its way down his spine at the thought of what was done to his best friend to get him where he was right now, slowly fading away in his hospital bed.

A tiny little part of Tyler wished that Josh didn’t wake up to experience the agony he was surely going to be in after regaining consciousness. His body was so destroyed it barely functioned at all and feeling all of that must be horrifying. And it wasn’t just the physical pain he’ll experience, but the inevitable feeling of shame and guilt after he woke up and realized his attempt to take his own life has failed and he will have to live with the consequences.  Tyler pat his hair, removing a couple of locks from his forehead and wished furiously he could take Josh’s place and experience all of that instead of him.

When Jess came into the room to tell Tyler that Josh had to rest now and visitations are over he was solid. He’s not moving from his friend’s sight until he woke up. Jess tried to argue , but Tyler was absolutely unwavering. Already knowing him pretty well the nurse didn’t push and further and left the room, coming back 5 minutes later with extra pillow and blanket in her hands.

“It could take a while for him to wake up” Jess said quietly while adjusting Josh’s Iv that slipped out a little.  Tyler nodded, tracing his fingers over the bandage on Josh’s left wrist.  “Josh is lucky to have a friend like you “ she said and Tyler shook his head

“If I was such a good friend Josh wouldn’t be here “ he said quietly feeling angry at everyone because how could they all claim he was a good friend when Josh was dying and Tyler did nothing to stop it.

“ It’s okay to feel guilty. But remember that you’re not all mighty Tyler. You’re human. You can only do so much to help someone who desperately doesn’t want to be helped. “ she pat him on the shoulder “ I’ll leave you to have some rest. Press the “call” button if you need anything, okay ? “ Tyler nodded, feeling grateful for her attempts to comfort him. Jess has always been careful and considerate with Josh and understood Tyler and his need to be around his best friend all the time. He smiled at the nurse who smiled back and turned to leave.

Feeling incredibly anxious to fall asleep after the incident, Tyler curled up in the armchair , plopped on the pillow Jess brought him and finally logging into his twitter account to see the reaction his earlier statement has brought. It was overwhelming. But not in a negative and creepy way like Tyler expected it to be. People were showing endless support and offered prayers and thoughts for Josh and his family, sending him wishes to get better and pull through this rough time. The clique was as amazing as always, showing their support in any way they could find – through fanart , letters, videos, drawings, anything they could do to show that they were there for Josh and Tyler , which made the singer feel endless and never ending love towards their fans. He really needed this right now, to know he was not alone and to feel supported and loved , it was irreplaceable feeling.

And it wasn’t just their fans. The support was pouring from every direction, from celebrities they didn’t personally know to their friends from other bands and crews they’ve met along the way. Everybody showed empathy , burying Tyler with questions of how they can help and if there’s anything they can do for him and Josh. Some of the messages made Tyler want to cry, because they were so heartfelt and honest it hit something in his heart. He knew that there was no way for someone to meet Josh and not completely fall in love with his personality, but seeing THIS much support was pretty overwhelming.

When Josh woke up he was definitely going to show him some of these. His friend needed to know that people were there for him , that he had support and love thrown his way from every direction. That he wasn’t alone. He would never have to fight alone or go through anything alone. Tyler was there, his family and thousands of people who would literally give their lives for both of them. With so much support and love Tyler knew they would make it.

\---

Dying was absolutely nothing like Josh thought it would be. He imagined it to be peaceful and painless, like falling asleep but never waking up. Boy was he wrong.

It was everything but peaceful, as his body desperately fought to stay alive despite how badly Josh didn’t want to. He could feel his blood seeping out, a steady flow that was followed by fuzziness and slow but burning lack of air in his lungs. His heart kept pumping, but it was painful and difficult, feeling heavy in his chest and every thud felt like a huge struggle for his body. Apparently the cut wasn’t deep enough , because the blood kept wetting the grass underneath his body, but death wasn’t coming to ease the pain that burned inside of his veins. Josh’s determination to end It all and let death claim him was slowly slipping, replaced by fear and panic. It’s just how human minds worked and Josh was helpless against it, cursing himself for not doing this right.

In 90 present of suicide attempts , Josh remembered reading once, in cases when the attempt wasn’t successful or death didn’t happen right away the person lost their determination to die and clung to life instead, fueled by fear of death once getting so close to it. And it wasn’t caused by a sudden desire to live or a last-minute change of heart. No, nothing like that.

Dying forces you to look back at your life and see it from a different perspective. It makes you think about the people you love and what you leave behind, what kind of devastation will follow your selfish act of freedom. Josh regretted never saying goodbye to Tyler who will probably spend the rest of his life blaming himself for Josh’s death.  His fragile, gentle and way too kind best friend who will have to carry the burden of his death and cope with what Josh has done just because he wasn’t strong enough. The guilt was overwhelming, mixing with the pain in his chest that didn’t let any air enter his lungs. Tyler was going to find him cold and breathless. Tyler will have to bury him, lowering his coffin into the ground to stay six feet underground forever. His family, his best friend, all of the people he loved would have to carry the consequences of his weakness. God that hurt a lot worse than the gash in his wrist and the lack of oxygen in his veins.

It was like standing on the edge of a cliff, working up the courage to take the final step and leap to your death, replaying in your head all the terrible things that happened to you and lead you to the edge of the abyss. And just when you’re ready to jump you slip and it triggers your survival instinct which kicks in so hard you cling to the edge of the cliff , fear coursing through your body as it fights to hold on to life like it’s the most prescious thing in the world.

Josh was hanging above the black abyss , life slowly ticking away, blood leaking out, thoughts desperately calling out for “Tyler, Tyler, Tyler, Tyler, please”, but the night was cold and the quietness screamed at him that he was alone and _he chose this._ God if he could just see Tyler for one last time and tell him how much he loved him, how sorry he was for makng all of this mess and how painfully, heart wrenchingly awful he missed him right now.

But none of that mattered because he did it to himself, he wished for this and wanted this and now he was going to die and oh God Josh was so scared.

His body couldn’t take it anymore and neither could Josh. He felt a couple of warm tears make their way down his cheeks. He didn’t have the right to cry, but still he did. He was dying. He was dying.

It stopped hurting at some point and Josh knew that this was it. A minute , maybe less and he will be gone, nothing but a cold body and a stain on the grass. Josh was alone. Tyler was alone. His time ran out. It didn’t hurt.

 

*

God It hurt. It felt like a thousands of knifes stabbing his chest in one long never ending wave of pain. His body was being lifted off the hard surface he was laying on and thudded back down, making his ears ring and head hurt. The stabbing pain pierced his chest again, lifting him off the ground from the force surging through him and setting his body on fire. What was happening to him ? Was this hell ? Was this some kind of punishment ? Was Josh dead ?

He couldn’t be dead, because his heart was beating weakly in his chest and he could feel his lungs fighting to take a breath, but failining and filling his chest with fire. It was pure agony and Josh didn’t know where he was or what was happening to him, but the pure terror of suffocating to death was gripping his throat like an iron fist. God was he back in the dark freezing cell as a punishment for being so goodamn ungrateful and throwing his second chance out of the window ? Was he being tortured again ? Will he die ?

 _Open your eyes, open your eyes, Josh, OPEN THEM_ he was yelling at himself but his body just wouldn’t listen.  Something cold and solid was touching his bare chest again and Josh wanted to scream NO PLEASE but the electricity hit him before his brain finished forming the words in his mind. It was all quiet and dark once again.

*

The darkness was lonely and felt so cold. Josh felt lost and out of place, not feeling anything at all, not with his body, nor with his soul. Weightless, boneless, silent. He was nothing. He was nowhere. He was nothing.

*

A flash of light. What was that ? Another flash. And another. He could see people holding up signs that said  “THANK YOU” and “STAY ALIVE |-/ “ . Josh was bent down, staring at his shoes and felt a hand around his shoulders squeezing tightly. Looking to his right he could see Tyler’s face literally bursting from happiness as he smiled at Josh with his crooked teeth.

“We did it, J” Tyler had to scream to overpower the loud noise filling the air” We fucking did it”

They were both bent down, in a bow while people were screaming their heads off, some of them crying, hell most of the people Josh could see were crying, but there was so much gratefulness written all over their faces he didn’t feel bad about it at all.  This was the best feeling in the world. With Tyler by his side smiling so wide. With the people filling the large room screaming their hearts out in a unison. This was all Josh ever wanted to feel. It was perfect. 

*

Josh still didn’t know if he was dead or not when he heard Tyler’s tired, shaky voice close to his ear, singing about galaxies, stars and light. He wasn’t in pain and felt like floating. Tyler’s voice made him feel at home. He felt safe. Maybe dying wasn’t so bad after all.

*

Josh was absolutely certain that he wasn’t dead when the pain hit him straight in the face with intensity that pushed a groan out of his mouth. His chest felt like someone filled it with boiling water, burning his lungs and airways, the unbearable heat spreading all the way up to his throat. His left kidney hurt, the only one left after the right one has been taken out months ago, but it hurts like hell and Josh feels like he’s in hell, because it’s too much and he can’t stand it.

There’s sweat all over his forehead and neck and back, his clothes are sticking to his body all drenched in sweat as well. His throat hurts and there has to be something in it because Josh can’t swallow or make a proper sound. It all comes out muffled and doesn’t sound like a human noise at all. It sounds more like a wounded animal or an alien in distress.

There are hands on his chest and Josh panics, body jumping at the touch, muscles tensing, throat spazming in an attempt to shout. Instead he chokes on the object in his mouth and his throat hurts even more now. Someone’s hand is patting his hair, removing stray locks away from his sweaty forehead in a soothing way, the gesture a stark contrast with how he feels inside at the moment. Josh knows that things are bad and the moment he moves, the bile that has been building in his stomach shoots up his already burning esophagus and tries to escape through his mouth, but is blocked by the thing in his throat. Josh chokes.

In one long terrifying moment Josh thinks he will choke on his own vomit, because he can’t spit it out of his mouth, but then somebody’s hands are on his face and neck, titling his head back and pulling on the object that’s stuffed deep in his throat.  It’s a tube apparently, its slide painful and rough in Josh’s airways and throat, making him want to throw up even more. He’s choking and heaving, once again unable to breathe or form any sort of noise aside from a choking kind of gurgling.

“ Breathe out of me sweetheart, come on “ a female voice was urging him on while he tried to choke the goddamn thing out of his throat “ There you go, deep breath out “

Finally, after what seemed like eternity the tube was out of his throat and Josh was turned on his side to throw up. It felt like he was throwing up for hours, but it must’ve been a couple of agonizing minutes that dragged on and on while he couldn’t stop vomiting.

The acid burns his throat , foul taste filling his mouth and his lungs are struggling to suck in oxygen making him hyperventilate.

Someone was moving Josh to lie on his back, a cold and wet washcloth running over his face to wipe the sweat and remains of vomit.

“Breathe in for me, Josh, deep breaths, take deep breaths “ he tried , but everything burned so badly breathing was a difficult task.

“ What’s happening, why can’t he breathe ? “ panicked, Tyler’s voice was echoing through Josh’s head, making his eyes snap open and throat convulsing in order to produce a sound, to say something.

“ It’s okay, he just needs some time to get used to breathe without the ventilation “  Josh tried to look around, but everything was blurry and too bright and spinning around.

“ Just focus on taking deep breaths, sweetheart , it’s going to be okay, you’re doing great “ Josh wasn’t doing great, in fact he felt like dying all over again.  Everything inside of him hurt and ached.

Slowly Josh found his breath again even though the flame in his chest didn’t go away.

“Ty-l-er” he choked out, throat sore and dry. Someone literally ran into his bed, making it shake with the force of the blow

“ Josh, oh my God, oh God “ it was definitely Tyler’ his cold fingers touching Josh’s face so careful and gentle  it couldn’t possibly be anyone else.

“ Josh “ he kept saying Josh’s name, almost like he couldn’t believe that Josh was here “ I thought I lost you, J, I thought you were gone “ he was crying and Josh felt so bad he wanted to set himself on fire. How could he do this to his best friend ? How could he ?

“ m’sorry “ Josh choked out, feeling guilty all over again, feeling like the worst person to ever walk on the face of the Earth “ Ty, please” he didn’t know what he was pleading for, but he felt like falling on his knees and _beg_ _._

“Don’t, it’s okay, don’t apologize. Oh God, I’m so glad you’re alive, I’m so glad” Tyler was kissing his forehead, his cheeks, his nose. Josh was crying, silent tears running down his cheeks mixing up with Tyler’s.

For the first time since Josh was kidnapped he was happy to be alive. Truly, honestly happy. If he died, he would have never heard Tyler’s voice again. He would never hear him laugh, sing and talk about life and the Universe. Tyler was a person worth living for and fighting for, Josh always knew that, but now he could see it so clearly it almost blinded him.

“I’m sorry” he said again, because God he regretted doing this to his friend so much it physically hurt him “ I’m sorry, Ty, I’m sorry “ Tyler was hugging him as much as he could around all of the wires and tubes coming out of Josh, crying into the spot between his shoulder and neck.

“”It’s okay, It’s okay “ the singer kept reassuring him through sobs, holding on to Josh tightly almost afraid to let go.

“ Tyler, I need to check Josh’s vitals and make sure he’s comfortable , okay ? He just woke up, we need to give him some time to recover “ it was dr. Lewis’s voice which also sounded shaky, like he has been crying. Josh felt even worse.

Clinging for a couple more minutes, Tyler finally let go and sat up beside Josh on his bed, still holding his hand tightly in his.

“Okay, yeah, I’m sorry” he said wiping his face. Josh couldn’t even look at his best friend in the eyes , so he kept his gaze down. He could see all of the people in the room now, two nurses the doctor and Tyler and everyone was looking at him. Josh shrunk back on himself, feeling guilty for making so many people worry about him.

“Can I just have another minute? “ Tyler’s voice sounded small and shaky. The doctor nodded.

“J, listen, you don’t need to apologize to anyone, okay ? “ he was speaking quietly, the conversation only meant for the two of them “ God knows what kind of hell you went through and no one has the right to judge you. I understand how you feel, because I’ve been where you are. Just remember that I love you and I will support you no matter what. Okay ? I love you so much “ all Josh could do was nod. Talking hurt a lot, not only his sore throat, but also his heart. It was bursting from guilt and pain he could never explain to anyone. Words were not enough to describe how sorry he was, how badly he wanted to change what he did.

“I have to leave for a bit, but I’ll come back as soon as they allow me okay? And I won’t leave you for a second, I promise. “ Tyler kissed him on the cheek again and wiped the tears that managed to slip there.  “ Everything will be okay, Josh, we’ll figure this whole thing out together.”

Nodding again Josh felt the singer stand up and instantly felt cold without his closeness. He didn’t want to cry, not in front of all the strangers in his room, but God did it hurt like hell to feel Tyler’s pain dripping out of his voice. Josh did something he has long ago promised himself he would never EVER do. He hurt Tyler, he really _really_ hurt him and that thought hurt almost as much as the lack of oxygen in his system.

He sobbed, rough and frantic and desperate, so helpless against the ache in his chest from seeing Tyler so upset.  Finally, the nurse gave him something that lulled him to sleep, bringing a temporary relief from the guilt he was no doubt to experience again when he woke up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow i hate myself , why did I write 10k words of pure angst ? idk  
> I'm SO opened for opinions, questions and criticism so feel free to comment and let me know what you think.
> 
> My entire work is unbeta'd so I apologize for any mistakes, they are all mine
> 
>  
> 
>  


	32. Oh dear, I don't know if we know why we're here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time to mend some broken things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took way too long and I'm sorry for that. My health and personal life are both a mess so it took a while to get around to post this chapter.
> 
> There's a trigger warning for violence in this one, so heads up.

_"The moon never leaves. It’s always there, watching, steadfast, knowing us in our light and dark moments, changing forever just as we do. Every day it’s a different version of itself. Sometimes weak and wan, sometimes strong and full of light. The moon understands what it means to be human."_   _―_   _Tahereh Mafi_

 

* * *

 

Tyler ran out of Josh’s hospital room barely containing his emotions, feeling absolutely overwhelmed by seeing Josh awake and alive and hugging him after the horrible days of not knowing whether his best friend will make it or not.  He ran straight into Mark who was standing in front of the door with worried and anxious expression , but hugged Tyler straight away when the younger man collided with him.

“Ty, is everything okay ?” Mark sounded so worried “ Ty, talk to me, come on “ Tyler was crying into his chest, a dead silence landing upon everyone in the waiting room. Feeling like a total dick for scaring everyone with his outburst the singer sniffled loudly and unattached himself from Mark, rubbing his face with the end of his sleeve.

 “He’s awake” Tyler said,, making everyone exhale with relief “ I talked to him briefly and … oh God .. he was throwing up and looked all pale and hurting and … and … “ Thankfully Mark went back to hugging him while he struggled to form words “ I’m so scared “ is all he managed to get out before tears completely drowned him and his ability to speak.

“It’s okay, Ty. He’s alive and that’s all that matters now. Everything’s gonna be fine , buddy , don’t worry. “ Jenna has also come up to hug Tyler from behind, caressing his sides and shoulders slowly

“ He’s a fighter baby, he’ll get through this “

“Yeah, he made it so far, Ty, he’ll push through this. I mean we’re all here for him right ? “ Mark added and all Tyler could do was nod. They were both right, there were so many people rooting for Josh and supporting him, but still, Tyler felt like the burden his friend was carrying was too heavy.

“ Did he say something ?” Ashley perked up from behind Mark

“He couldn’t really talk much cause of the tube in his mouth, but .. he apologized “

“Oh God, the poor thing “ Ashley said quietly and “ Is anyone allowed in there ? Can we see Josh ?”

“ They kicked me out cause they need to treat him, so I guess we’ll have to wait.“

„Let’s go home, Ty” Jenna said hugging him with hands around his waist “ Take a shower, have something to eat. “ she kissed him behind his ear which made Tyler crack a smile .

“That really does sound tempting “ he admitted and looked sadly at Josh’s door “ But I want to be here when he wakes up again. He was so terrified, I wouldn’t want him to be alone right now “

“ Okay baby, we can stay here if that’s what you want “ Jenna kissed him on the cheek and Tyler melted again.

“You should go do all those things you said we should do though. Take a shower, eat something, have a nap. I’ll be fine here” Tyler wrapped his hands around Jenna’s shoulder while she leaned into him as close as she could and inhaled deeply.

“I can’t leave you here all alone, Ty” she said into his chest and he smiled

“ Please, Jen ? You haven’t been home for days and it’s gonna take a while before Josh is allowed any visitors . Go ahead, take care of yourself, I’ll be fine”

“Don’t wanna leave you” she mumbled and sighted. Tyler kissed the top of her head

“ I’ll be fine. Go, baby” Jenna reluctantly unwrapped herself from Tyler’s embrace and kissed him fast and chaste on the lips.

*

Everyone ended up leaving too, exhausted from the emotionally draining couple of days spent at the hospital and needed a shower and a good meal. Except for Tyler who stopped needing anything else in his life besides seeing Josh well and hearing Josh’s voice and tell him he was okay and … yeah. He couldn’t care less If he smelled bad or if his stomach churned loudly. He probably couldn’t eat right now anyway with how tightly his stomach was twisted into knots. 

Jess went out of Josh’s room and Tyler instantly straightened up with expectation.  She must’ve seen the worry written all over her face because she hurried to reassure him

“ He’s doing okay, Ty. “  _Thank God_ Tyler thought  _thank God._  “ Our main concern right now is his heart beating out of rhythm and blood pressure peaking high and then dropping very low. It might be a result of the many heart defibrillations our paramedics have given Josh to help his heart start beating. Sometimes there are side effects that might stretch in time, we can’t really tell for how long. “ Tyler nodded, feeling the knots in his stomach tightening. God, Josh used to be such a healthy and strong person. Now he’s  _ruined._

“ Is he in pain ?” Tyler couldn’t help but ask, because that thought wouldn’t let him breathe properly.

“ We’ve given him pain medications and some sleeping pills, so he shouldn’t feel anything right now. But when he wakes up we will try to lower his painkillers dosage back to what it was when he got discharged from the hospital last time. “ Tyler remembered how difficult Josh bared that sudden change and how much pain he was in even though he still received pain meds.

“Okay” he said , even though he had a million questions boiling in his chest

“And .. he’s also on suicide watch for the next 72 hours, just so you know” that actually made Tyler look up from where he was staring at his shoes.

“What ?”

“ It’s standard procedure after a suicide attempt “ she explained, looking slightly uncomfortable herself. “ That means that Josh will have a psychiatric aid from our specialist at all times during the suicide watch.  Just to make sure he won’t hurt himself again.”

“Is .. is this really necessary ? “ The thought of some stranger staying in Josh’s room all the time made him feel uneasy and uncomfortable. He knew his best friend and how uncomfortable he will be in the presence of someone he didn’t know, looking at him all the time and maybe trying to get him to talk about what happened. “ I mean it’s not like he’ll try to do  it again after what he just went through “

“ It’s a standard procedure, Ty, I’m sorry. This is our hospital’s policy and we have to follow it. “ Tyler wasn’t happy about that and he definitely didn’t agree with that policy.

“ I don’t see why some stranger has to stay in his room when I can do that.  I mean I can look after him just fine “ Tyler tried to erase the annoyance out of his voice, but it was difficult considering how  _annoyed_  he was at the moment.

“ It has to a be psychiatrist, who will be able to provide the psychological help if Josh needs it, considering his emotional and mental state. “

“Don’t you know what he went through just a couple of months ago ? “ now he was angry, heart hammering in his chest “ Don’t you know how scared and jumpy he gets around people he doesn’t know ? And you’re telling me he has to be stuck with a stranger for the next three days ? “  people actually turned to his direction , his voice an octave higher than usual.

“Tyler “ Jess said after a couple of heartbeats. “ This is not on me to decide. It’s protocol and even if we both don’t like it, it still has to be followed. Plus our psychiatrist is very professional and has years of experience. If anything he might help Josh while he recovers “

“I’m scared he’ll freak out “ he muttered quietly “ I don’t want him to go through more stress, he has already been through enough”

“ You’re a good friend, Tyler and a very good person. “ Tyler blushed slightly at the compliment but shook his head.  “ I  know that you want what’s best for Josh , but so do we. As soon as he feels better you will be allowed to stay with him. He won’t be alone with the psychiatrist if that’s what you’re worried about “ He didn’t feel much better, but it was obvious that his attempts to change their mind were unfertile.

Tyler buried his face in both hands, feeling tired and frustrated. All he wanted was to go to Josh’s room and stay by his friend’s side and stay there until he opened his eyes.  And the fact that they weren’t letting him do that was driving him insane. It was unhealthy how much he loved Josh.

“I will let you know as soon as  dr. Lewis allows visitations, okay ? “ Jess was touching Tyler’s elbow to make sure he heard her. “ Do you need anything ?”

“Thanks, I’m good” he said and went to sit back down on one of the terribly uncomfortable plastic chairs.

When the nurse gave him a sympathetic smile and left Tyler felt terribly alone again, but it was the kind of loneliness he welcomed at the moment.  He didn’t want to talk. If he talked he’d probably cry and if he started crying it would  go on for hours.  He didn’t want to feel people’s sympathy, he didn’t want their comfort or understanding, because he felt like he didn’t deserve it.

It was pathetic how he was sinking back to the mindset he had before he started doing music professionally , feeling confused, faithless, hopeless and misunderstood. He was a grown up man now, not an angsty teenage boy anymore but God he felt like he was still in his basement , being torn apart by feelings he didn’t understand and couldn’t fight. He felt dark and shattered inside, everything inside of him screaming for some sort of release. He felt like a goner, like an isle of flightless birds who had their wings severed , never to fly again. He was all of the things he thought he stopped being a long time ago, when his music started to matter and his voice was getting heard.

 He used to scream into microphones and empty rooms, banging on his piano to let some of that pain out, but now he couldn’t even do that. There were no words to describe how much he hurt inside from seeing Josh suffer, how difficult it was to stay strong and positive when his best friend was suffering again and again and again while he stood aside and couldn’t do anything to help. Internal pain has always been a fuel for Tyler to write poetry and lyrics, but right now it hurt so much he broke every pen, tore every page whenever he tried to write.  It was frustrating, disappointing and made him feel like he wasn’t any good at writing music anymore.  And writing music was the only thing he was good at so he felt useless and worthless which was exhausting.

Tired and discouraged Tyler took his phone out and went on Twitter. His timeline was going crazy with get well wishes for Josh and him, an occasional article where he was tagged and ….  A video. Tyler froze.

The tweet said “This is one of the cruelest things I have ever witnessed. I have no words to comment this” and the video’s title was “Mock execution of “Twenty one pilots” drummer Josh Dun by hanging” . Swallowing hard and with shaky fingers Tyler closed his eyes and tried to compose himself.  _You don’t need to see this._  He kept telling himself _. Just let it be, let it go, Tyler”._ But at the moment Tyler was as composed as someone who’s about to be ran over by a speeding train and his fingers pressed on the video before his brain could manage to process what he was going to do. The video loaded.

Tyler regretted it the moment he saw the medieval-looking cell again, with blood stains on the empty walls glistening in the light of two light bulbs hanging from the ceiling.  It was almost the same setting Tyler saw in the other video where Josh was tortured only this time instead of handcuffs hanging from the ceiling there was something else. A noose. Tyler’s skin prickled and crawled at the sight of it.  Underneath was standing a single chair , presumably for the victim to stand on in order to put their head into the noose. It was a gut twisting sight, something you can only see in a horror movie scene, only this was as true and as real as the plastic Tyler was sitting on.

When Josh was brought into the room Tyler’s breath hitched and he had to put a hand on his mouth to stop a yell working out of his throat.  The drummer was dragged by a leash attached to a collar around his neck that looked way too tight and heavy. There was a black bag pulled over his head to block his vision and this time Josh didn’t put up any fight which broke Tyler’s heart all over again. This must’ve been videotaped later on, at least a few months after they kidnapped him. His body was already painfully thin , only faint remains of his gorgeous muscles peeking out from underneath his bruised skin.  He had no clothes on except for his underwear leaving him exposed and shaking visibly.  God Tyler couldn’t imagine what it was like to spend so many months painfully vulnerable like that, with everything taken away from you, even your clothes followed by your dignity.

Inspecting his friend’s body Tyler could see burn marks all over his lower abdomen and tights , cuts covering his chest and belly and purple bruises stretching all over his sides. Josh was already looking like he was on the brink of falling apart and he still had months to go before he got rescued.  The singer couldn’t stop asking himself  _how_?? How did Josh manage to survive after so much abuse , after so much pain and humiliation and months of nothing but never ending torture ?

A pained noise pulled Tyler back from his thoughts and landed him right back on earth with a thud.  Someone has pushed Josh on his knees, twisting the leash two times around his neck until the drummer was panting and fighting for breath while the chain was choking him.

Two masked and heavily armed men walked and stood on both sides of the chair, while the one holding Josh’s leash removed the rag from his head, revealing his terrified eyes that darted around the room as soon as the restricting object was moved away.  Josh had a thin line of blood seeping from a nasty looking wound just underneath his left eye and Tyler’s heart painfully clenched when he remembered seeing a scar right there on his friend’s face.  The eye was almost completely shut because of the huge swelling , painting half of his face with purple and red.  It was a painful sight and Tyler just couldn’t stop wondering why did he have to load this video and cause himself all of that pain.

Josh’s eyes settled on the ground in front of him, head bowed in submission, probably scared out of his mind that someone will hurt him again if he misbehaved. The guard standing above him grabbed a fistful of his hair and pulled so hard it almost tore out of the drummer’s scalp making him yelp from the pain. Now that his head was pulled back Josh actually noticed the noose hanging from the ceiling, his eyes widening and body seizing involuntarily from fear. He swallowed hard, staring at the rope and the chair in front of him.

Someone walked into the picture, a man who wore no mask,  with long black beard and even blacker eyes. He stood right next to the kneeling Josh on the ground and opened his arms as if waiting for an embrace. 

_“The punishment of those who wage war against Allah and His messenger and strive to make mischief in the land is only this, that they should be murdered or crucified or their hands and their feet should be cut off on opposite sides or they should be imprisoned; this shall be as a disgrace for them in this world, and in the hereafter they shall have a grievous chastisement[ Quran (5:33)]_  _"_  the man recited and Tyler felt the hair on his neck stand from how horrifying this sounded.  Realizing that he’s still sitting in the busy hallway of  the ICU and people around him could hear as well he stood up quickly, wobbly feet barely supporting his weight as he barged down the hall and into the first bathroom he could find. Stumbling into an empty stall he sat down on the ground, careless about whether it was hygienic or not and stared at the screen for a few seconds , before hitting play again.

“Today, my brothers we shall punish a non-believer who refused to let Allah in his heart and chose the path of death and suffering. He refused to open his eyes for the truth of Allah being the one and only salvation and heaven and will suffer the consequences for that sin. “ Josh was shaking on the ground with his eyes closed and Tyler wanted nothing more but to give him a warm and comforting hug and tell him everything is going to be okay.

“Allah has said :  _Fight against them so that Allah will punish them by your hands and disgrace them and give you victory over them and heal the breasts of a believing people”_  [ _Quran (9:14)]_. It is the greatest honor to deliver Allah’s will and punish this non believer with what he deserves. Death. “ he pointed at Josh who kept his eyes closed and mouth sealed shut, puffing out short and fast breaths of air through his nose.

Two guards stepped forward and grabbed Josh on both sides hauling him up roughly and causing him to whimper. They dragged him the few steps towards the chair and stopped, one of them barking“ On the chair” , making Josh flinch and fold in on himself even further. One of the guards unattached the heavy looking collar from Josh’s neck, revealing red and chaffed skin underneath that looked raw and very painful.

Watching Josh climb on the chair was a painful and pitiful sight as his injuries were making it incredibly difficult to achieve. The guards were mocking him and laughed as the drummer struggled to raise his bruised legs on the chair, losing his balance more than once. When he finally managed to succeed his face was painted red and sweat rolled down his face mixing with bitter tears and Tyler assumed he either cried from  pain or the utter humiliation. Probably both.

The chair was making rattling noises from how much Josh was shaking, now face to face with the rope.

“Put it on” someone commanded and Josh obeyed, pulling the noose over his head with shaky fingers.  Then another guard twisted Josh’s hands behind his back and secured them with handcuffs. 

Tyler watched his best friend stand there, with shaky and weak legs that barely supported him with noose around his throat and something between fear and acceptance in his eyes.  The acceptance is what threw him off, because you’re not supposed to be accepting while facing death, especially not in the situation he was In. If Josh was so ready to die,  Tyler could only imagine how awful his life has been all those months, how desperate he was to escape further torture and pain. And how cruel all of this actually was, to lead someone to believe that they are going to die, letting them accept that fact and find some kind of peace only to   take that away as well.  They must’ve messed Josh pretty bad. Tyler felt hot tears sliding down his face.

The next couple of minutes were pure torture; Josh was anticipating for someone to kick the chair from underneath his feet and every little movement made his body flinch visibly.  And the men all took their time playing with the bound man, kicking the chair lightly only to make it shake or slide and causing Josh to whimper and fight to keep his balance.  They laughed while he cried, silently and through gritted teeth.

It must’ve been so exhausting and scary for Josh, waiting for his death to arrive while they toyed with him.  Every next hit to the chair could be the last one. He could die any moment, any second  and to Tyler the anticipation was a lot worse than death itself.  After a while the rope got painted red from the bleeding and chaffing on Josh’s neck, making the scene even more unbearable to watch.

Tyler knew that the worst was yet to come when the man who spoke earlier slid the chair from underneath Josh’s bare feet. He didn’t kick it out or even push it , so the way Josh fell was slow and not forceful enough to snap his neck or suffocate him immediately. 

Josh was choking, twisting his bound body from side to side in a desperate attempt to release some of the pressure on his neck.  It was relentless. The knot was tight around his throat, restricting the air from reaching his lungs which made his body convulse and blood to pour out of his nose.  He was making choking sounds, mouth opening in a desperate attempt to breathe or maybe to beg for air, but it was useless. The minutes ticked away while everyone in the cell watched Josh suffocate and choke on his own blood until the rope was released and the man fell on the ground still unable to take a breath from the tightened noose still squeezing his throat.

One of the guards put his boot on Josh’s throat and snickered down at him

“Allah decided you will live another day “ he announced “ Your execution will be performed tomorrow “ he removed his boot and cut the rope from his neck.

Josh was coughing blood on the ground when a guard came over and hauled him roughly to his knees, a position he wasn’t strong or awake enough to handle, so he slumped back on the ground. The masked man yanked him up again and fastened the metal collar around his neck which caused Josh to panic and trash, probably still too affected by what happened to handle another restricting object around his throat. But his captors obviously didn’t care about what he could or could not handle because they kept tugging on his leash while Josh choked and heaved on the ground.

Tyler had to stop the video when they started beating Josh with their rifles when he couldn’t get up, the horrible sounds of metal hitting flesh followed by the howling and screaming made Tyler turn around to the toilet and throw up everything he has eaten.

He flushed the water and slumped down to the ground, burying his head in his hands and started crying , knowing full well there will be no stopping for a long while.

His throat feels raw and hurts by the time someone enters the bathroom and makes Tyler jump. He has forgotten that this is a public bathroom and anyone could walk in and witness his breakdown. Not that he cared much , with how badly everything inside of him hurt after watching the video. All he could do was try and sob a little more quietly, into his fisted hands, but the person must’ve heard him already.

“ Is everything okay in there ? “ someone asked, knocking lightly on the door. “ Do you need help ?” it must’ve been a doctor or a nurse because the worry and care in their voice usually belonged to someone who took care of people.

“ I-I – I’m okay “ Tyler managed to choke out, but his voice sounded so tiny and hoarse from crying he wondered if the other person heard him at all.

“ Are you sure ? “ the female voice asked with even more worry “ I could get you water or something to help you calm down ? “ yeah definitely a doctor then.

“ My friend almost died “ Tyler said, fighting to keep his voice as steady as possible “ I still can’t get over it, I’m sorry “

“I understand” the woman said and Tyler wanted to tear his hair out, because what who the hell could understand all of this ?  “ Do you want to talk ? I normally work with kids, but it doesn’t really matter to me. Maybe I could help you ?”

“No, I’ll be fine I just need a moment “ it was embarrassing to cry like that in front of a complete stranger, who appeared to be some kind of psychiatrist. She probably thought he was mentally not stable. Which was true after all.

“Okay. I’m on pediatric floor, if you need someone to talk to come and find me. My name is Dr. Chen “ Tyler nodded felt the person moving away from his stall. God he needed to stop crying in front of people. His parents were walking on eggshells around him lately, looking like they’re scared to talk to him because he might just burst out crying.

Slowly getting up from the floor, Tyler unlocked the stall’s door and made a few shaky steps out towards the sinks. There were big mirrors hanging above them and Tyler did his best not to look at his own reflection. He felt so raw and numb he could only imagine how it looked from the outside. He didn’t want Josh to see him like this, because it will make his friend feel even more guilty which is exactly the opposite of what he needed right now.

Maybe Jenna was right and he needed to take a couple of hours to make himself look more presentable. Hell he couldn’t even remember the last time he ate, it must’ve been days ago. Looking up Tyler caught a glimpse of his hallow and pale face, looking down quickly because he couldn’t stand seeing himself right now.

Why the hell did he have to watch that video ? Why on Earth did he think it was remotely a good idea ? Josh has suffered so much and Tyler knew that without having to witness it first handed. There were scars and broken bones that provided enough evidence of his suffering. Why did Tyler have to torture himself that way ? And how will he tell Josh about the existence of these videos ? That was definitely the part he was least looking forwards to.

Deciding he couldn’t look any better with his puffy red eyes and swollen face Tyler shut the water off and left the bathroom. Going back to Josh’s room he hovered outside, wondering whether to knock and check if Josh was awake or just wait outside for the nurse to tell him. While he pondered on his options he could hear faint voices coming from inside and froze at the spot. He didn’t want to eavesdrop, but if it was Josh talking inside he needed to know what he was saying. Coming even closer to the door Tyler could definitely tell it was Josh’s voice. And that he was crying.

Tyler’s heart fell all the way down to his toes. It was still painful to see or hear his best friend cry. It never got easier to bear. Gluing his ear to the door with absolutely no care what people might think if they saw him in this position Tyler could clearly hear another voice talking to Josh, probably the psychiatrist who was supposed to stay with the drummer for the next 72 hours.

“ I w-was scared “ Josh’s voice sounded hoarse and tired, anxiety laced through every syllable. Tyler felt his heart twist in his chest.

“ What were you scared of , Josh ? “ The therapist asked and Tyler heard another sob escape his best friend’s throat.

“ That…. that everyone will s-see “ he choked out

“ What were you afraid they will see ? “ Tyler wanted to barge in and stop the therapist from pressing Josh into talking, but that would only make the situation even worse.

“ How d-damaged I am” Tyler had to stop breathing in order to hear Josh’s voice “ H-how d-dirty and .. “ another sob “ and h-horrible I am “ and another sob that drowned the next sentence before it managed to slip out of the drummer’s mouth.

Tyler had to shove his fist into his mouth to muffle his own sob that was building deep in his chest.  This was so wrong, God he was willing to sell both of his kidneys just to make Josh stop thinking like that about himself.

“ I am sure that people won’t think that way about you, Josh, even if they have seen whatever you’re worried they would see “ oh no. Tyler held his breath as realization dawned on him. Josh knew about the videos, he knew and he was scared of people’s reaction and that’s why he … oh God. Tyler felt his knees give away underneath him, sliding down the door until his body hit the floor.

“You d-don’t k-know what the d-did to me “ the way Josh said it made Tyler’s eyes fill with fresh tears. Nobody truly knew what happened to him in that dark cell for whole 8 months. Yes, Tyler got a glimpse of it, but what he has seen were minutes from what must’ve felt like a lifetime for Josh who lived in that hell every single day.

“Whatever it was, you’ve had no control over it. You were a victim, Josh, nobody can blame you for something that was out of your control “ the therapist said with a calming voice, but judging by the abrupt sound of Josh’s breathing he wasn’t doing a great job.

“B-but now everybody knows. T-they will look at me and .. and this is all they w-will ever see.”

Tyler felt a hand in his hair, massaging slowly and looked up startled, only to see Jenna looking down at him sympathetically. He must’ve been quite a sight – sitting on the floor in front of Josh’s room with red and swollen face from crying and fresh tears running down his cheeks and through the long since shaven stubble. He wiped his face with the sleeve of his shirt, hating how his wife had to watch him cry about 30 times a day. She crouched next to him and held his hand , massaging it softly.

“ Why are you sitting on the floor, baby ? Did you feel weak ? “ she asked and touched his temple to check his temperature

“ The therapist is inside with Josh. He’s awake and … he’s asking Josh questions about what happened and … Jen, I think he knows about the videos “ Jenna’s eyes flashed with sadness and she kissed Tyler’s hand before squeezing it tightly.

“I overheard their conversation and Josh sounded so sad and guilty and it’s just all so awful “ he leaned his head back on the door. “I wish I could take this all away and make it better for him “

“ Is Tyler here ? “ the singer heard Josh ask through the door and straightened up.

“ I’m not sure, perhaps he went home to take a shower and have some rest “ the doctor answered

“That’s g-good” Tyler closed his eyes and took a deep breath “ I’’m worried about h-him. He doesn’t eat and h-he barely sleeps because of m-me “ hearing that was like a punch to the gut. Tyler was so caught up trying to help Josh he often forgot about his own health and that his best friend was still worried about him despite the difficult situation he was in himself.  _Of course he is worried_ , Tyler scolded himself,  _of course he can see the dark circles around your eyes and how clothes are now hanging off your shoulders like these days._ He must’ve lost 10 pounds just in the past week , all the worry and heartache making him sick and unable to eat.

And the worst thing about it was that Josh thought it was his fault, he felt guilty , he always felt guilty for things he had no control over.

“Tyler is your best friend, correct ? “ the doctor asked after a short pause

“ Yes, d-definitely. Yes.”

“ Have you talked to him about your experiences ? Did you share anything with him ? “

“N-no” it was almost a whisper, a barely there word, but Tyler could hear guilt dripping from it. “ I’m sorry “  Tyler closed his eyes and tried to breathe through his nose and suppress the desire to throw up. Josh was apologizing again and Tyler couldn’t handle it anymore. “ I n-never talked to anyone. I don’t know if I c-can “

“It’s okay. These things take time, sometimes months, even years before it stops being scary and painful. “

“Does it ever s-stop ? I mean being scary? “

“Things will get better, Josh, you’ll see “ is the answer Josh got but it didn’t really answer anything.  Tyler didn’t know if things will ever stop being so scary all the time. He hoped so.

Jenna helped him get up after another couple of minutes, when Jess came by to give Josh his meds and he had to move away from the door. The nurse smiled at him, a bitter and sympathetic smile that told Tyler just exactly how pathetic he looked at that moment.

“Do you want to come in ? Josh seems to be doing better, he asked about you when he woke up “ that pierced Tyler’s heart, brain painting a picture of how scared Josh must’ve been when he woke up without Tyler by his side.

“Yeah, yes, of course I want to see him “ the singer scrambled up to his feet and followed Jess into the room.

Josh was propped on a pile of pillows, looking incredibly tired, but so much better than the last time the singer saw him. There were tears in his eyes and wet patches stretching all the way from his eyes to his chin where the tears left salty tracks on their way down. His breathing was unsteady and heavy and Tyler noticed how his fingers were curled around the sheets in a strong grip, in attempt to ground himself against the fear that coursed in his veins with every breath. Tyler could feel that fear, he could read it in his friend’s eyes, in his abrupt breathing and hunched back pose.  The therapist wasn’t even that close to his bed, but Josh was instinctively cowering away from him, squeezing his back to the pillows in attempt to get his body as far away from the stranger as possible. 

The second Josh landed his eyes on Tyler his entire body language changed and the singer almost melted from the warmth radiating from Josh’s eyes. His body relaxed against the bed, knuckles no longer white from gripping the bed sheets too hard. The smile that bloomed on his tired face felt like the rising of a morning sun after a long and bone freezing night. Tyler wanted to cry because he had missed this smile so much , but instead he smiled himself, stretching his hand towards his beaming best friend for a long-awaited embrace.

They hugged, arms tight and protective around each other , both apologizing silently to each other for things that weighted on them. Tyler could feel Josh’s body tremble, but his own body was probably shaking just as much. Jess stood by the door in silence next to Jenna who brushed tears from her face. The psychiatrist who spoke to Josh earlier also observed them quietly, still sitting in his chair a few feet away from the bed.

“Sorry I couldn’t be here when you woke up “ Tyler said, letting go of Josh who still smiled up at him with his straight white teeth.

“ No, it’s okay, Ty, it’s okay “ Josh wiped his eyes with the iv-free hand. “ Did you get s-some rest ? “

“Yeah” Tyler lied, because he didn’t want to get Josh all worked up about him again “ Don’t worry about me, I’m fine, J” Josh gave him a skeptical look

“You look t-tired. Have you s-slept ? “ Josh kept worrying and Tyler nodded , trying his best not to look as exhausted as he really felt.

“ I’m okay, Josh, honestly” he squeezed the drummer’s hand and did his best to smile “ How are you feeling ? “

“Guilty “ Josh lowered his eyes and bit his lip “ I feel so b-bad for doing this t-to you and my family “ Josh admitted , rubbing his left wrist where the bandage still hid the stitched up wound. “I s-swear, I never meant to hurt you like that, Ty, I s-swear to God “

“Forget about that, okay ? There’s nothing to apologize for. You’re here, you’re alive and you’re fighting and I promise you we’ll get through this.”

“But I almost ruined it. You t-tired so hard for me and I almost threw it all away “ Josh’s voice was shaking and Tyler could tell how hard he was trying not to cry

“ Josh, hey, look at me “ when he didn’t , Tyler grabbed his face gently , wincing at the momentary flinch and raised his head “ I know why you did it. I  … I-I watched one of the videos the day before you …before you ..uh.. hurt yourself and I’m guessing you have seen it too “ Josh’s eyes widened when he finally looked up, surprise and shock rooted deeply. “ I’m sorry I watched it without asking you, I know it’s wrong, but I just. .. I needed to know, okay ? I’m so sorry “ now Tyler was the one who had to fight back tears, especially after seeing how hurt Josh looked at the moment. His face was painted with sadness, lower lip trembling and huge coffee colored eyes red and filled with sorrow.

“ I couldn’t live with the thought that … that everyone in the world c-could see me being humiliated like t-that “ Josh cried , hiding his face in his palms once again overcame by emotions “ They did so many awful things t-to m-me “ he all but whispered, rocking back and forth slightly. Everyone has left the room by now, leaving the two best friends to talk in private. Tyler was scooted close to the drummer, but wasn’t touching him, feeling the fear and anxiety radiating from his in waves. “I hate myself now, Ty. I can’t stand t-this “ he pointed towards himself, letting out a hiccup that turned into a sob and buried his head further into his hands, curling in on himself.

“J.. please don’t say that. None of it was your fault, don’t do this “ Tyler begged “ I know it hurts right now, believe me I’ve hurt the same way before and I know how you feel “ Tyler brushed his own tears away, trying to stay composed for his friend’s sake. “ I know what it’s like to want to crawl out of your own skin every second of every day of your life. I know how it feels to be afraid of yourself, of your thoughts and your own mind. I’ve felt it, J, I’ve felt the hatred towards every fiber of my being and I remember how suffocating it felt to breathe through that hatred every day. I know, J , I know, I know “ Josh crawled towards Tyler and wrapped him in a hug even though the angle was all wrong and there were tears everywhere but Tyler didn’t care the tiniest little bit.

He felt small and fragile, saying those things out loud reminded him how much he needed Josh, how much he needed a friend to hold him and make him feel safe. How much he owed Josh for being there for him when nobody else was. He held on a little tighter, feeling his friend’s ribs through the thin hospital gown and barely containing the string of words bubbling up and sticking to his throat.

“You’re not wrong, J, you’re not damaged, okay ? he whispered into Josh’s neck “ You’re a survivor and every day you fight , every day you pull through makes you a winner, it makes you a _hero_ .”

“ I’ve been t-trying for you “  Josh hiccupped “ All this t-time. I wanted to d-die , but I kept trying just for you.

“ I’m proud of you “ Tyler whispered back “ And the entire clique is so proud of you too. Everyone’s rooting for you, you know. Despite what those fuckers tried to do by releasing the videos, everyone supports you so much”

“Really ?” Josh’s voice sounded so tiny and fragile it broke Tyler’s heart.

“Yeah. Wait, I’ll show you “ he unwrapped one arm from his friend’s body and took his phone out, loading twitter. The feed was full of tweets from fans and people they knew or met, sending love and support their way. #JoshDunIsOurHero was trending which made the singer smile, turning the screen towards Josh so he could see it too.

It took some tears wiping and eyes squinting for Josh to actually read something on the screen , but once he did it changed his entire face. His eyes widened, mouth slightly hanging open and cheeks blushing in faint red.

“See ?  People fucking love you, J, they support you because you are amazing, strong and brave person who has the biggest heart in the Universe. “ Josh was sniffling, his teary eyes scanning the screen in disbelief. He looked up at Tyler, but couldn’t hold his gaze for more than a couple of seconds

“ Are you disappointed in m-me ? For giving up ?”

“ No, I’m not. I was mostly disappointed in myself for letting this happen, but not in you. You did your best and you still are, despite everything. “ Josh looked relieved after hearing his words, but the guilt was still rooted deeply in the depths of his eyes.

“You are my g-guardian angel after all “ Josh said and smiled the tiniest little smile, but it made Tyler’s heart sing symphonies.

“ And as your guardian angel I have the exclusive permission to smuggle junk food into your room “ he joked, hoping to make Josh feel a little bit better and take his mind off the recent events that weighted on him like lead. It worked ; Josh’s face lit up with childlike excitement, so characteristic and so … _Josh._ “ Oreos ? “ he asked winking

“ It’s been a year s-since I had one “ Josh wiped his eyes and laughed briefly “ God I forgot how they t-tasted.”

“ You’ve got it then “ Tyler smiled in sync with Josh who allowed himself to feel a little happiness for the first time in a really long while which was definitely a good sign.

Tyler raised his hand for a high-five, still buzzing with excitement from making Josh smile, but froze when Josh flinched back, expecting Tyler to hit him. There was wild fear pulsing in the drummer’s eyes, even though it only lasted a few fleeting seconds before melting into shame.

“Sorry “ Josh hurried to apologize “ It’s j-just my body reacting. I know you wouldn’t h-hurt me”

“Yeah I know J, don’t worry about it “ Tyler said, but the truth was that it was a difficult thing to get used to “

“Do you want me to re-dye your hair ? It looks a proper mess right now “ the singer tried to change the topic, not wanting to upset Josh any further

“ Yeah, I’d love t-that “ Josh was smiling again, his hand instinctively flying to grab a lock of hair and twist it between his fingers. He hissed, the sudden movement probably hurting his shoulders which made Tyler wince.

“ Sick . Are you going to be okay if I leave for a bit to get the dye and Oreos I promised you? “

“ Are you g-gona be away for long ? “ the fragility in Josh’s voice was still too painfully obvious, reminding Tyler that despite the smiles a few minutes ago, his friend was still crippled by fear and doubt.

“No, I’ll be back real soon. Or I can send Jenna to get them if you don’t want me to leave?

“ N-no, I’ll sleep for a b-bit anyway “ Tyler could feel Josh relax against him, tiredness stealing away his breath

“ Yeah, okay, you should get some rest. I’ll be back before you wake up “ he hugged Josh again, feeling him sigh and melt into the embrace. It felt so right, so at home, Tyler didn’t want to let go. Eventually he had to pull back, letting the drummer’s head lay back on the pillow, his eyes already heavy and drooping.

Tyler sat on Josh’s bed, watching as his friend was taken by sleep. He wanted to write a million songs about him, about how much courage it took to just push through the day and see another one. Josh held the courage of stars and universes in his heart, bringing so much hope by just existing.

His feet carried him out of the hospital and onto the evening streets,  where the moon was shining brightly even though it wasn’t entirely night just yet. He observed the bright yellow orb, pondering about how much humanness it carried, despite being million miles away from Earth.  It was always there, watching, steadfast, knowing people in their light and dark moments, changing forever just as they do. Every day was a different version of itself. _Sometimes weak and wan, sometimes strong and full of light_. The moon understood what it means to be human.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had some absolutely incredible feedback on my previous chapter and I would like to take a moment to thank everyone who contribute to this story by talking to me and helping me move it along. I will never stop saying how important your thoughts and opinions are to me.
> 
> I also wanted to use the chance to say that I DO NOT promote any hate against Muslims and/or their religion in any way. I hope I haven't offended anyone, but if I have please let me know. It's pretty sad and upsetting how terrorists use certain quotes from the Quran and twist them around, only to justify their horrible deeds. 
> 
> Anyway, It's 2 am so I'm going to sleep :)
> 
> Stay alive guys. Today and tomorrow too |-/


	33. Let's take this a second at a time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for some violence and torture ( someone might see it as a sexual torture although it's not in a sexual context at all ) , it's in italics so if you're bothered by that I'd advice you to skip that part. 
> 
> The usual trigger warning for bad thoughts and self hatred stays and will probably stay throughout the entire story

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM FINALLY UPDATING FRENS
> 
> I know you've been waiting for a while AND I AM SORRY I SUCK SO MUCH FOR MAKING YOU WAIT I hope you enjoy this chapter :))

 Every morning Josh woke up, he went through a sort of routine to set his mind for a day of fighting. No matter how badly he wanted to stay positive and show Tyler and everyone else around him that he’s trying to get better he still felt dead inside most of the time and the pain that hummed deep in his bones never stopped bothering him. After his failed suicide attempt he felt a new level of guilt towards his family and especially Tyler whom he put through living hell and felt like he owed him a lot more fight than he was putting on.

So every morning, when his brain woke after a long night of remembering things he wanted to forget and fighting the fear and panic that rose in his chest every time he relieved something traumatic,  he talked to himself. It was all about convincing himself to put on the best fight he could, not for himself but for the people he loved. He stopped doing and wanting things for himself a long time ago, after the never ending guilt silenced his needs and made him focus on other’s instead. Tyler needed to see him smile, so he did his best to greet him with one when he woke up and saw his best friend’s worried face light up with joy.

It was priceless really, making Tyler smile and see the happiness In his eyes. Josh couldn’t feel happiness himself so he enjoyed Tyler’s instead, pretending it was him being happy.

He had to start from a scratch all over again – psychical therapy was as exhausting as ever and his legs seemed to have plotted against him and refused to go back to normal walking. The muscles in his thighs and calves were weak and had difficulty growing stronger so without their support Josh was literally immobile. His soles were doing a lot better, the nerve ending that got damaged by constant beatings were healing and it didn’t to stand on them hurt as much as it used to. Josh felt almost bad about it, because physical pain was something he learned to welcome and appreciate. It took his mind off the other kind of pain that filled his insides and made him sick of himself to the point of throwing up. He hated his body and what it was turned into, hated the lack of color on his right arm, the ugly scars that decorated his back and chest, the way his stomach twisted with disgust every time someone touched his skin. He hated all of it.

Feeling pain helped him dim that hatred a little, accepting it as a sort of punishment for being who he is, for having another chance and most of all for trying to carelessly throw it away. Josh deserved the pain, he wanted to not feel dead and numb inside, he wanted to feel _something._

Drumming used to do that for him what feels decades ago.  It used to help him temper his anxiety and stifle the nasty voices in his head, telling him that this won’t last, that he’ll fail sooner or later and everything will burn to ashes.  Hitting his drums used to make his muscles sore and fingers hurt sometimes even bleed and kept him grounded and present. 

He could lose himself in music, the beat carrying away his worries and fears and giving him something  to focus on.  It wasn’t just a hobby to him or a job. It was therapy , one he needed on daily basis and couldn’t live without.  Apparently he would have to learn to survive though, because the awful pain in his shoulders that stabbed him whenever he moved his upper body was telling him he won’t be drumming any time soon. Or maybe ever.  Josh had to stifle up a sob at that thought, because it felt so devastating , so unfair and unimaginable he couldn’t accept it. Drumming was something he has been doing since he was 12.  Now he couldn’t even lift a fork without choking on his breath from the pain and strain that followed.

It wasn’t even the pain that bothered him the most. He could definitely handle it and would drum through it, but his arms were like made of lead. There was something really messed up in his back and upper arms, not allowing him free movement and limiting his motions severely.  Beating on drums in this condition was almost unimaginable. Plus he’d look absolutely ridiculous doing it.  It was a punishment, it must have been .  He survived through all the terrible things that’s been done to him, but he wasn’t himself anymore, he wasn’t Josh Dun, the drummer from “Twenty one pilots” any longer. There was no Twenty one pilots and would probably never exist again. And it was all his fault. Another sob burned his throat , but Josh shook his head, not allowing it to surface. _You brought this on yourself, you need to learn how to live with it now._  Josh opened his eyes, feeling the hotness of tears wetting his face and cursing himself for the lack of self-control.

Thankfully there was nobody in the room with him, still too early for the nurse to come and give him the handful of pills before breakfast and Tyler must’ve  left to take a shower or something. His best friend barely left his side and whenever he did he came back as quickly as possible.

Josh didn’t like being alone because it made him feel exposed and vulnerable. Especially after the videos were released he had this constant fear that everyone around him has watched them and that thought terrified and ashamed him.  Every single look from nurses and doctors painted his cheeks red, anxiety flaring up his insides with worry and fear. _They’ve seen it. They’ve watched me get humiliated and tortured. They know. They all know_. The voices never stopped whispering.

Josh couldn’t wait to go home where people would stop looking at him. Where people besides Tyler and his mom would stop touching him.  When the thought of being touched in a sexual way crossed his mind his body literally twitched in disgust. He couldn’t imagine wanting that ever again. Sex was something painful and humiliating and degrading in his mind. They forced and violated him every day, made him do things he felt disgusted and ashamed about. He had sex with other prisoners which was absolutely not consensual on both ends.  They watched and laughed and pleasured themselves while he was losing his dignity and his mind.

Josh blinked a couple of times to force the tears out of his eyes. He hasn’t woken properly yet and is already filled with disgust and self-hatred.  Sighing he sat up and noticed the box of Oreo’s lying next to his pillow, along with a cup of milk on the table by his bed. Tyler truly was the best friend in the world.  This made the pink haired man smile. Technically his hair was purple now, at least according to Hailey who sent him the boxes of hair dye as a get well present.  She has always been an amazing and supportive friend and getting this present from her made Josh emotional and so grateful. She sent it along with a letter, containing get well wishes and a poem, written for him and inspired by his battle to get better. Josh cried that day, because he was both grateful and feeling so undeserving all of the attention he was getting. People has been so nice to him, sending him cards and other gifts to lift his spirit and it made him feel incredibly guilty.

His stomach still couldn’t handle most of the solid food, but every once in a while Tyler sneaked in some junk food for Josh to indulge and it was the best thing in the world.  Josh reached out for the cup of milk and it wasn’t even that far, but to him it was still a struggle.  His hands were shaking, arms stiff and shoulders hurting. God it’s been months since he was rescued, but his body couldn’t find its way towards healing . Dr. Lewis told him it might take years before he would go back to the way he was before, minus a couple of injuries that will probably weight down on him for the rest of his life.

Trying not to think about that, Josh grabbed the glass in his left hand, clasping his fingers tightly around the smooth surface. Biting his lip he slowly moved the glass towards himself and landed it in his lap, thankfully without spilling any milk. He was panting. Jesus.

Drawing a couple of breaths Josh lifted the glass towards his mouth and took a sip. It tasted pretty good , making him close his eyes and enjoy the feeling of drinking something different than plain water.

He didn’t expect the door to open so when it did Josh pulled the glass away from his mouth too fast for it to be safe and spilled the milk on his chest and stomach. He coughed, because the stressful sound of door being opened made him gag on the liquid.

The whole situation was ridiculous and Josh was mentally face palming himself and hoping it was Tyler who entered his room. 

“ You okay, J ? “ it was Tyler’s soft and slightly raspy voice , making Josh’s anxiety temper down a little. It was okay, it was just his best friend.

“ Yeah “ Josh managed, still coughing a little. “ You k-kinda spooked me a lil “ he added and looked down at his hospital gown. Those will definitely be spots when they dry.

“ Opps , sorry man “ Tyler apologized , approaching the bed and ruffling his unruly hair. He has definitely been sleeping. “ I just woke up from a nap and wanted to check on you. How are you feeling ? “

“ Just woke up too. .. I’m f-fine , was a bit thirsty “ looking down again Josh stared at the half empty glass “ M-made a mess “ he touched his wet gown.

“ Uhh sorry about that “ Tyler smiled and yawned “ Do you want me to go ask  Jess for something else for you to wear ?”

“ N-no, it’s early I don’t want to bother her “ Josh said quickly

“ Josh, she’s a nurse, this is her job. Plus I don’t think she’s sleeping on her shift “ Tyler added and stretched his arm towards Josh. He took the hint and gave him the glass he was still holding.

“ Well if you think it won’t be a bother for her .. I mean it’s not that w-wet .. “ Josh babbled, anxiety filling his veins for some reason. He didn’t want to bother people , especially the ones like Jess who took care of him almost 24 hours a day.

“ It’s okay, I’m sure she won’t get too bothered by brining you a clean gown … Hey “ he said, leaving the glass on the table and crouching next to the bed where Josh was shrinking on himself. “ Remember how we talked that you’re not a burden to anyone? You remember that right? “Josh nodded “People who take care of you here do it because they want to.  Me, Jenna, the nurses, everyone in the staff …  we all want you to get better and none of the things we do bother us.  Okay ? “Josh nodded again and tried not to rub his sticky fingers on the comforter.

“Okay, Ty, sorry “he apologized and Tyler leaned in to land a quick kiss to his temple

“No need to apologize, J. Just don’t forget how important you are “  Tyler said and kissed his forehead, straightening up. “ I’ll go fetch Jess, do you want anything else? “

“No , t-thanks “ Josh stared at his fingers while Tyler walked out of the door.

Why was he such an anxiety riddled mess ? He had no reason to feel anxious around Tyler,  what was wrong with him today ? Tyler came back few  minutes later with smiling Jess by his side.

“ Good morning, Josh” she greeted him.

“M-Morning “ he smiled back

“ I’m bringing you some change of clothes and your pills. How are you feeling this morning ? “ she asked, giving Josh a plastic cup filled with water. Plastic was lighter then glass and Josh was grateful for the change. He opened his palm and waited for the nurse to put the first pill in it.

“ I’m f-feeling okay “ he said, swallowing the feeling of anxiety and worry down.

“ Anything hurt ? “ he asks, giving him the next pill when he swallowed the first one along with a sip of water.

“ J-just my back “ Josh answers, realizing he lied a little. His entire body hurts, but the pain that stands out the most was the one piercing his back. It never really went away.

“ I see. I’ll let Dr. Lewis know. Is it worse than yesterday? “

“ No “ another lie. It’s been getting worse for the past week, making it difficult to sit or straighten up. But the pain meant an escape from the bad thoughts, serving as a distraction. Pain was good. He didn’t want it to go away.

“ Alright. Good job “ she praised him as he swallowed the last of 11 pills.  Most of them tasted bitter, reminding Josh of other things that tasted similar that he didn’t want to think about swallowing.  He was forced to eat and drink all sorts of disgusting things back in captivity.  Shuddering, Josh pushed that thought away and looked up instead, where Jess and Tyler looked at him worried.

“ I will leave the clean clothes here on your bed and come back for the dirty ones later. “ Jess informed him, leaving the fresh hospital gown next to him “ Take your time, it’s no rush “ she added, smiling at him and Tyler and leaving shortly after.

“ Do you want me to leave while you change ? “ Tyler asked him and Josh felt conflicted. He didn’t want to upset Tyler, but if he undressed in front of him he’d see his scars and Josh didn’t want to do that to his friend. But telling him to leave will probably hurt him as well, plus he felt comfortable enough undressing in front of Tyler not to feel bothered by it.

“ No, it’s okay if you want t-to stay “ Josh decides, hoping that Tyler will chose not to look at his hideous body.

“ I actually wanted to talk to you about something “ Tyler said while handing Josh his fresh clothes “ I – umm – I talked to Debby yesterday “ Josh freezes at that , while pulling his gown off his head, messing up his already pretty tangled pink hair.

“ No, don’t worry I didn’t tell her where you are and stuff “ Tyler quickly added, probably seeing the worried expression his friend was wearing. “ I mean I wasn’t sure you’d want to see her right now. She texted me, telling me she’s been worried sick after .. you know the whole thing about you coming back came out and … she just wanted to make sure you were doing okay. “ Tyler finished and Josh blinked a couple of times before reaching out for the clean gown.

“ I d-don’t want her to see me like this “ Josh said , but thinking about it he will always have to wear the scars littering his body.  They won’t heal. He won’t get any less hideous. “ Is she o-oaky ? How did she sound of t-the phone ? “ they were very close, despite the fact that they no longer dated, they still stayed very good friends. Picturing her being worried and scared for him made Josh very upset and guilty.

“ She’s really worried about you, man. I mean it’s obviously your choice and if you don’t want to see her it’s cool, but .. she’s one of your closest friends, right? “  She was. The fact that Josh haven’t really thought about her much made him feel like a terrible friend. But what will she think when she sees him ? Scarred, skinny, abused . And what if she watched the videos ? What if she knew what was done to him and – and – what if she was disgusted ? Would she even want to touch him ? Get near him ?

“ Josh, relax okay ? I’m sorry I brought this up, I probably shouldn’t have “ Tyler’s voice brought him back to reality. He must’ve gotten carried away in his thoughts and looked distanced and upset.

“ No, no I just – I don’t kn-now “ he finished , feeling defeated. He really didn’t know.

“ It’s fine, really “

“ But I do want to see her-r. I miss Debby “ it was also true. She was one of the most genuine people Josh has ever met. Easy going and sweet. He loved her a lot , probably still did if it wasn’t the constant fear of getting too close to people to drown it out.

“ Don’t force yourself to do things you’re not comfortable with, okay ? “

“ Okay. C-can you tell her to come down if s-she wants  ? “

“ Of course” Tyler said and pulled out his phone, probably to carry out his promise.  “ You’re sure right ? “ Tyler checked one last time and Josh nodded. It would probably be nice to see another friendly face, talk to her after such a long time with no contact. Josh hoped she was doing okay.

“ She’ll come by at lunch “ Tyler said and Josh’s anxiety flared up again. Should he shave ? Should he wear something else that would at least hide the scars on his wrists and neck ? He was panicking again and Tyler must’ve noticed it because his expression was full of worry.

“ There’s really no reason for you to worry about meeting with Debby. You’ve been friends for years. I’m sure she’ll handle the situation pretty fine “ his friend was probably right, but hell he just couldn’t stop worrying about everything.

“ Do you t-think she watched the v-videos ? “  Josh asked and shuddered at the thought.

“ Um .. honestly I don’t think she would want to do that.  She probably knows about their existence but I doubt she would do that to herself “

“ You watched them “ Josh said quietly , because he was still bothered by that. He didn’t blame Tyler, but it hurt knowing that his best friend had to watch him get treated like that.

“ I’m really sorry about that “ it was probably the 100th time Tyler has apologized to Josh about watching the videos without asking Josh first. The drummer honestly wasn’t angry at his friend for doing that. There wasn’t anything to forgive.

“ Nah, I’m s-sorry you had to see t-that “

“ And I’m even more sorry you had to go through that “

Josh accidently let out a pained noise when the pain in his back overwhelmed him for a second. He wanted to turn around and rearrange his pillows when the terrible pain pierced his spine and made him screw his eyes shut and bite his tongue.

“ Josh ? What happened ? Are you okay ? “ Tyler’s worried voice was only centimeters away.

“Yeah , yeah j-just moved to fast “ he didn’t want to tell Tyler that his back was bothering him more than usual because he didn’t want to make his friend worry and because he didn’t want the doctors to find out either.  “I’m fine “ he gritted through his teeth and opened his eyes .

“ You sure ? “ Tyler’s eyes were huge with worry.

“ Yeah “ Josh attempted a smile and relaxed back against the bed.

“Okay. You have physical therapy in about an hour and I don’t want you to push yourself too much. You’ll tell Jess if you need more pain meds right ?

“ Right “ Josh said even though he knew it wasn’t exactly true.

The next two hours were pure hell for Josh who’s back got even worse after the therapist decided to make Josh lie on his back and lift a medical ball and move it from side to side.  It wasn’t even heavy, but the movement itself felt like something was drilling a hole in his spine. Then while still on his back Josh had to lift his legs off the bed one by one and raise them as high as he could manage which wasn’t high at all thanks to the pain.  He switched legs, raising both 10 times before he couldn’t take in any longer and told the doctor it hurt too much to continue.

After the therapy was done it got even worse and Josh didn’t know what to do with himself.  He couldn’t lie on his back and sitting was out of the question. He kind of managed to lie on his stomach and curl his knees underneath his body to get some sort of relief, although he could still feel the painful strain up and down his spine.  He stayed like that until Tyler came to bring him lunch and hopefully help him lie back down because there was no way he could move himself.

“ Umm are you alright ?”  Tyler’s voice made Josh’s heart jump and he squeezed the pillow with numb fingers.

“ My back h-hurts “ Josh admitted , hating the fact that he has to ask someone for help “ Therapy was a b-bit rough “

“ Oh “ Tyler said and approached Josh’s bed, leaving the food he brought with him on the table.  “ Do you need me to get the nurse ? “

“ No , just help me t-turn around, p-please “  Josh said, bracing himself for the pain that would come from the movement. Why was he so stubborn and couldn’t just ask for more painkillers ? 

“Okay.  Tell me if you need me to stop of if it hurts too much “ Josh could feel Tyler’s hands wrap around his middle, lifting him off the bed gently. The pressure on his spine increased and he had to grit his teeth extra hard to hold back the groan building in his throat.

Tyler maneuvered him to lie on his side and Josh rolled on his stomach, forcing back another cry of pain. His back was pulsing, pain traveling up and down like a flowing river.  He took a couple of seconds to steady his breath and open his eyes. Tyler was wearing a sad look on his face,  as if he knew exactly what Josh was doing to himself.

“ Does it hurt too much ? “ Tyler asked, looking at Josh with soft eyes

“ I can h-handle it “ Josh felt like he was defending himself

“ You don’t have to handle anything, Josh ,  if it hurts you can get more pain meds, you don’t have to suffer “  Tyler insisted and Josh felt angry at himself for showing weakness and worrying his best friend. There was no way he could explain to Tyler or to anyone who hasn’t been through what he went through why he suffered and why he didn’t want to ask for pain meds. Nobody knew how it felt to live with all of the things that were done to him. Nobody could possibly understand the pain he was in, not the physical but the other one, the raw and deep aching that filled his lungs with every breath.  It wasn’t something Josh could explain. He didn’t even understand it himself. All he knew was that he didn’t want for the pain in his back to stop because it was immediately replaced with  guilt and shame . He’d rather endure the physical suffering.

“ When is D-deby coming ? “ Josh said , ignoring Tyler’s last sentence because explaining the reason why he had to handle it was too exhausting.

“ In a bit. She texted  me half an hour ago that’s she’s on her way “ Tyler’s tone was soft, but with a hint of sadness there.  He probably knew that Josh was avoiding the topic on purpose.  Instead of pressing further, Tyler unwrapped the package of food and gave Josh a small container of chocolate pudding. The drummer smiled, despite the pain and the uneasy feeling of avoiding talking to his best friend.

“Thanks” he muttered, digging with his spoon into the delicious looking desert.

“ You know I hate seeing you like this “ Josh knew it  and it made him feel guilty. Like most things these days . “ I can see that you’re struggling but I can’t help and that drives me mad “

“I’m sorry “ is all he musters at the moment, knowing that apologies did nothing to make Tyler feel any better. 

“ It’s okay “ Tyler answered and didn’t say anything else, leaving them to eat in silence.  When his phone beeped and indicated Debby’s arrival Josh’s stomach tightened with worry and anxiety.  She hasn’t seen him in a whole year.  He was still normal looking and pretty sane back then. He’s a fucking wreck right now and the crippling pain in his back was going to make things even worse. He had to pull his shit together for her sake.

“I’ll go get her “ Tyler informed him, adding “ You’re sure about this , right ?  I mean if you’re in too much pain or don’t feel up to it she’ll understand “

“ No, It’s okay “ Josh answered even though okay is very far from how he feels at the moment.

He waits anxiously , biting his nails and his lips , waiting for Debby to come through the door and be shocked into silence by his terrible looks.  He expects her to look sympathetic and pitying, to maybe cry or even run out of the room. Josh literally expects anything.

When the door opens and Debby walks in, Josh is the one stunned into silence. Debby looks absolutely gorgeous, in a very cute and sweet way only she can manage. Her hair is longer than what Josh has seen it, but it’s as blond as ever, even a little more so. Her eyes are huge and the moment they land on Josh she runs through the room and falls on her knees in front of his bed, grabbing his hands and literally prepping them with kisses.

Josh was left absolutely stunned , forgetting about the pain in his back and the anxiety filling him just a few minutes ago. 

“ Josh “ she says his name like she absolutely cannot believe he’s right there in front of her “ Oh my God, I thought I lost you “ she keeps kissing his hands, his knuckles, his bruised and scarred wrists and Josh wants to stop her but at the same time he doesn’t because it feels like she’s trying to heal him with her lips “ You’re alive “ she says it and breaks down crying “ You’re alive, oh my God “ Josh can feel his own tears fill his eyes and spill out to  his cheeks, hot and salty on his skin.

Josh pulls at her arms, prompting her to raise from her kneeling position and come closer and she does, while whipping her face and smiling like she’s the happiest person on Earth.

“ Debs “ he manages before his throat closes up on itself and Debby is hugging him, her body delicate and warm around him. His back protests, pain piecing and twisting up and down his vertebras, but it’s drowned by how happy Josh feels in Debby’s presence.  They hug each other for a while, before the pain really gets too intense and Josh groans. Debby pulls away, wiping his face with her fingers and just looking at him, admiring. There isn’t much to admire, not if you ask Josh but the way she looks at him is as if she can’t get enough of it.

“ I’m so glad you’re alive, Josh, God I missed you so much “ she says, smiling , petting his shoulders, his arms, his chest. Her touch is so gentle and  warm he doesn’t want to pull away like he usually does when touched. 

“ You look g-great “ Josh says when he finally comes back to senses even though the tears haven’t stopped flowing yet “ I missed you t-too “ she beams at that and keeps smiling down at him. 

“ You actually look a lot better than I expected “ She says , running her hands on his scruffy cheeks  “ I always loved your pink hair “ she adds, moving her fingers into his curls.

“ I’m sorry I haven’t contacted y-you first “ Josh apologizes because he feels like a terrible friend. She has always been a huge support to him, during and after their relationship.

“ Please, there’s nothing to apologize for . I’m just so happy you’re alive, that’s all that matters “

They easily fall into conversation even though Josh still feels self-conscious about the stuttering he didn’t have before. But even if Debby has noticed it she shows absolutely no signs and talks to him like nothing has ever changed and Josh wasn’t back from a freaking torture camp. It feels nice to be treated like any other human being, without the careful tip toeing he experiences on daily basis from pretty much everyone including Tyler.  She’s cheerful and beams with positivity that Josh eagerly drinks up. Her eyes can’t completely hide the pain she’s feeling from seeing him so hurt but she doesn’t show it otherwise. 

Debby helps Josh get settled more comfortably on the bed, putting a pillow behind his waist to support his weigh better. He’s kind of used to the ache by now, the feeling of twisting and turning in his bones already a familiar one.  But still he can’t help but grimace every once in a while or let out an involuntary sound of discomfort that makes her frown or sigh. 

They talk until Jess comes in and announces it’s time for Josh to have some rest before he gets his scheduled scans and a bunch of tests. One of them is lumbar puncture which is a procedure Josh has been before and it proves to be his least favorite one.  He’ll definitely need the rest.

Debby really doesn’t want to leave but obeys and promises Josh she’ll be back again, as long as he’s up to it.  Before she leaves she wipes out a handmade beanie out of her purse. Her mom made it just for Josh and he wants to cry because all of these people care so much for him while he’s just a piece of ruin left after the devastating tornado that his life has been the past year. It’s unfair.  He still smiled at her while she kissed his forehead and held both of his cheeks in her warm hands.  It feels like home. 

When Debby leaves Josh feels a rush of emotions he can’t quite describe. It’s sadness mixed with longing and bitterness. He feels like he misses something he never had in the first place. Josh lets himself cry for a bit, before settling down on the pile of pillows and pulling the warm beanie on his messy hair. It’s warm and comfortable.  Sleep comes, unwanted and dreadful. Josh doesn’t sleep peacefully.

 

*

_He’s freezing and scared which by now is a constant state he exists in.  His hands are shaking where the unmerciful iron connects them with the floor and keep him in place.  Josh is bent over a chair, his bloodied knees scraping painfully on the concrete while his ribs and stomach are pressed to the seat of the chair. The position is exposing and humiliating, especially since he was stripped off his clothes and the freezing musky air of the concrete cell was reminding him of that fact.  His hands are shackled to a metal hook on the ground underneath the chair where the chain connected to his collar is also tied. He’s immobile, exposed and on his captors mercy. Or rather the lack of one, if the deep lashes on his back and bruises on his hips and sides are any proof for that.  All Josh can do Is shake with fear, the anticipation of the torture he’s surely about to endure even worse than the torture itself._

_There’s a sound of water running behind Josh that startles him out of his terror filled haze and brings another level of terror out. Are they going to hose him down with freezing water again ?  Did they have something even worse in mind ? The sound comes closer, until he can feel the freezing coldness of the water landing on his legs and making him shake even harder. The water stops flowing out for a second and Josh exhales long and rough, but he can feel someone move behind him and a second later a hand lands on his hip to keep him steady._

_There’s something cold and solid touching his exposed hole and Josh lunches forward violently, terror feeling his veins like a toxic venom. He has been violated and raped countless times during his captivity, but it never gets any less terrifying or humiliating. The hand on his hip is gripping him with angrily, keeping him in place while something is being pushed inside Josh who yelps, mostly from terror and surprise rather than pain.  The hard end of what seemed to be a water hose is pushed further inside and Josh is gritting his teeth as hard as he can to stop the wail that’s trapped in his throat from escaping.  The rough edges are scraping his inner walls, making Josh shudder and want to throw up. He’s is trying to will his body to relax, to avoid further damage, but the penetration is  so painful and unwanted it makes his muscles clench and try to force the thing out. Josh breathes through it, trying to detach his mind from what’s happening to his body and just block the pain out. It doesn’t really work, because the pain brings him back every time he feels himself float away. The slow drag finally stops, but before he can exhale his relief, something a lot worse happens and Josh nearly blacks out from the awful sensation. It feels like someone is filling his intestines with ice, freezing him inside and making him scream out. It’s a desperate sound of humiliation and pain, one he’s desperately fighting back but ultimately can’t when the stream of freezing water hits his insides._

_He can feel his bowels stretching from the weight of the water, making his stomach hurt and head spin. It’s so cold it’s actually painful and Josh struggles with his binds again, out of instinct mostly and does his absolute best not to beg. There has never been any point in begging, other than making him feel even more humiliated.  He’s panting, trying to take a proper breath among the horrible cold and the way his stomach feels heavy and on the brink of blowing up._

_He’s sweaty and breathless by the time the water stops flowing inside of him, despite how cold it is.  The hose is being hoisted out harshly, making the exhausted drummer cry out, because it hurts, it really hurts. What follows is even worse, when all the piled up water starts flowing out of him, in one uncomfortable and nauseating stream. The sound of water hitting concrete is loud in Josh’s ears and it makes his face heat up in shame and disgust. He desperately doesn’t want to cry, but the tears still come, because he’s so tired and his body doesn’t know what else to do. Nothing makes sense anymore. There’s no concept of time, no connection with the world, not light, no hope, no nothing. Josh just sort of exists in one big never ending nightmare, in one never ending pain filled void. He can’t even form words and if he could he wouldn’t even know what he would say._

_He’s hungry and thirsty and everything inside of him burns. They leave him naked and tied to the chair , in complete darkness while the fight leaves his body completely.  He can hear other sobs somewhere near, he knows that other people are suffering the way he does and it makes the whole situation even more unbearable. He doesn’t want to die this way.  Although dying doesn’t sound too bad at the moment, Josh thinks and throws with a shout._

 

*

Josh was awakened by two cool hands on his cheeks, pulling him out of his nightmare and back to the bright hospital room.  He’s aware that he’s making sounds, but they sound so distant it’s almost like he’s hearing them from afar.

“Shhh “ it’s Tyler’s voice and Tyler’s cold hands that sooth him slowly, easing him back to reality where people are not dying around him and he’s not naked or freezing. The noises he’s making are half sobs, half whines , like he doesn’t know   whether to scream or cry.

“ It’s okay “ Tyler said with his raspy voice “ It’s okay, J , just breathe for me “  Josh does breathe , but it comes out ragged and frantic.

“ It-it was c-cold “ Josh forced out, shivering with the thought of being filled with ice cold water to the point of not being able to take it any longer “ I-I … It-s t-t-too c-cold “ he was stuttering more than usual, hell he couldn’t even form a sentence from how badly his body shook.  Grabbing his stomach Josh doubled over, making his spine stretch and back hurt terribly. He let out a desperate sound of frustration, because he didn’t want to make Tyler a witness of his mental breakdown, but his friend was glued to his side with no intention to move.

“ Josh , come on. You’re okay now, just relax. Are you sick ? Do you need me to call the doctor ? “ the drummer had half a mind to shake his head, because the last thing he needed was to embarrass himself in front of more people.

“ It-t-t felt s-so c-cold “ Josh tried to talk again, but his throat felt sore and dry.

“ Is it something you remember happening to you  ? “ Tyler asked and he just nodded “ Were you cold ? “ another nod and a sob

 “S-so cold .. the w-water was s-so cold “ his teeth are clattering and he feels Tyler sit next to him, grabbing the blanket and throwing it around both of them.

“ I’m here now, I’ll take care of you “ Tyler kept reassuring him and Josh felt a tiniest little bit of comfort, because he wasn’t completely alone in the dark anymore.

“ T-they took m-my clothes “ he whispered, more to himself than to anyone else, because he couldn’t keep It inside anymore “ they t-took everything away …. I don-t k-now why t-they did it, I don-t k-know what I-ve d-done to deserve it, but I’m s-sorry, I’m s-sorry “ he didn’t make any sense, he talked without really thinking or considering his words, but it didn’t matter, nothing mattered anymore

“ You didn’t do anything, J, none of this was your fault “ Tyler tried to console him , but the fact that all of the awful things happened to him meant that he’d done something , that he deserved it somehow “ I don’t know why it happened, but it’s definitely not because you deserved it. “

Somewhere in between the brightness of the room and the warmth of Tyler’s body he managed to calm down enough to stop babbling out nonsense and hearing the voices of people begging to die.  He could hear Tyler’s words of comfort instead, familiar, soothing and reassuring.

“It was just a nightmare, J.  Nobody will ever hurt you anymore. Okay ? Ever “  they stayed under the blanket until someone knocked on the door and made Josh curl up further and press himself into Tyler’s side

“Hey, it’s okay. I’ll go see who it is, alright ? Are you okay with me leaving for a bit ? “ Josh nodded and buried himself further into the blanket.

He stayed there while Tyler made his way through the room and opened the door. There was some mumbling there and Josh could swear he heard children talking. And then he heard something else. Something that completely pulled him out of his haze. It was a sound only a small kitten could produce. Something in between mewing and whining , a small noise of excitement and love that made Josh’s heart flutter.  It mewed again, and Josh uncurled himself from his ball-like position on the bed and peeked out from underneath the comforter. Tyler was standing at the door with a group of 5 kids  who were holding something wrapped up in blankets. There was another nurse with the kids, probably coming here with them since they looked too young to wonder around the hospital on their own. They were standing at his door, holding a tiny little mewing thing wrapped up in blankets.  They brought him a kitten.

“Ty ? “ his voice was small and raspy, still raw from crying. Tyler immediately turned towards him “ Is t-that a k-kitten ? “ he asked cautiously, still wrapped in a blanket, but looking out from underneath it.

“Yeah Josh, this is actually a present for you from pediatric cancer unit. The kids came by to give it to you, but if you’re not feeling up to it .. “ Tyler was saying, but Josh threw the blanket off himself and sat up on the bed, blinking at the kids who still stood at the door.

“ I w-want it “ he blurted out and stared at the little moving ball of blankets in one of the kid’s hands. “ I-is it really f-for me ? “ Josh asked, sniffling

“ Yes, Josh “ it was the nurse who spoke next, steeping inside the room and motioning for the kids to come in “ Because you’ve been so brave and inspirational for our kids in pediatric cancer unit they’ve wanted to give you a gift “

“This is Hope “  a girl with shaved head and big blue eyes said , a smile spreading at her face when Josh lightened up. “ She’s ours, but if you promise to take care of her we’ll give her to you to” she said with tiny childish voice , melting Josh’s heart and bringing tears to his eyes for some reason.

“ You r-re really giving h-her to me ? “ Josh asked again and the girl nodded, approaching his bed where Josh was sitting with his knees pulled to his chest.  The kitten was mewing again, probably sensing the strong emotions filling the room or maybe sick of sitting in one spot, wrapped in blanket.

She came as close as a few feet away from Josh who still overcame by emotions couldn’t move from his spot on the bed.

“Do you want to pet her ? “ the girl unwrapped the kitten from the cloth and it instantly jumped from her hands and onto the bed where Josh was sitting with stiffened and frozen body. It was white and fluffy, with black spots on her face and paws.

The little ball of fur stumbled through the wrinkled blanket and sheets, seeking Josh’s body heat and plastering itself to his leg when it finally found him.  Josh petted the little kitten and it purred, pushing its head into his hand.

“I think she likes you “someone from the kids said and Josh looked up at them smiling. He lifted the kitted off the bed and into his lap, the softness of Hope’s fur and the warmth of her tiny body finally calming Josh’s reeling mind down.

“ T-thank you so m-much “ he said, petting Hope and smiling down on her when she let out another purr “ I l-love her, she’s amazing “ the kids look happy at that and Tyler is absolutely ready to cry , standing by the door.

“ You can have her “ another kid said and everyone agreed, feeling happy that Josh liked their present

“ I d-don’t even know h-how to thank you “ Josh is tearing up, playing with the little kitten’s ears and making it melt in his lap “ Th-s is the b-best present I-ve ever gotten “ the kids cheer at that and the nurse prompts them to go give Josh a hug. They do and it’s one of the most incredible things Josh has ever experienced.  All of these kids had tough life, battling this monstrous disease at such a young age and yet they were strong and brave individuals.  They cared enough for him to come all the way down, get out of their beds and make their way to his room to give him this present and a hug that meant to him a lot more than he could ever put into words.  It might look like a small gesture to others but to him it was one of the best moments of his life.

“ I want to be like you when I grow up. Aunt Lilly says you’re the bravest person she has ever met. I want to be brave like you, uncle Josh “ the boy said with a proud smile and Josh hugged him tightly, trying to put into the hug everything he didn’t know how to say.

“ You’re already t-the bravest boy I have ev-ever met “ he manages to say into the boy’s ear before he let him go and hop off the bed.

The nurse also comes to him and gives him a long and emotional hug and Josh could swear he saw tears in her eyes when she let go.

“You really do inspire our little fighters to fight even harder.  Your courage shines through whatever darkness you’ve been living in “ she said and wiped her eyes “  You’re welcome to our unit at any time, always. Feel free to come by whenever you want, you’ve got yourself a bunch of friends there “  Josh beams at that, with the kitten in his arms and all of the kid’s smiles plastered in his mind he doesn’t feel quite so hopeless anymore. 

“T-thank you “ he says and he really, honestly, wholeheartedly means it.

Tyler took some time to hug the kids too and talk to the nurse before they left Josh’s room. Then he walked to the drummer’s bed and joined in petting the little kitten. It indulged in the attention, purring and mewing with pleasure.

“ Now you’ve got Hope “ Tyler said, smiling down at the kitten and then up at Josh who smiled back, eyes crinkling up at the corners like they will disappear any minute from how much he was squinting.

“ Yeah I guess I do “ Josh answered and he knew his friend didn’t just mean the cat.  Hope was a powerful thing that Josh has been afraid of for quite some time.  After so much darkness and despair, the light that the twinge of hope brought was almost blinding to Josh who still struggled to see.  

Hope fell asleep in his arms, curled into a happy little ball of softness. Josh couldn’t understand how something so small could have such a huge impact on him. His heart was bursting with love for the little thing, as well as endless gratitude towards the kids who had the heart to give him this present. Life really was unpredictable.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS THINK BECAUSE I AM ONE ANXIOUS MESS WHENEVER I POST
> 
> You'd think I'll be less anxious posting stuff after like 33 chapters, but nope I'm still as self conscious as ever. 
> 
> I appreciate every single one of you who's always in my comments supporting me and my writing.
> 
> If you want to you can read my other works while waiting for the next update :)) I'd really appreciate it if you let me know what you think |-/
> 
> My tumblr is [i-m-a-goner-takeitslow](http://i-m-a-goner-takeitslow.tumblr.com/)


	34. I will set my soul on fire, what have I become?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is going to hurt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for violence and rape/non con scenes and mentions throughout this chapter. Also self-hatred and suicidal thoughts. This chapter is fucked up.
> 
> I was kind of feeling shitty and took it out on Josh. Sorry Josh :\\\

When Josh got scheduled for discharging from the hospital Tyler insisted that Josh stayed in his house, instead of his parent’s this time. Firstly, because Tyler didn’t want Josh to be reminded of his suicide attempt and staying in the same room and house would probably have that effect on the drummer.  He wanted some kind of change for Josh who struggled to remain positive in his recovery and being somewhere both familiar, but different from what he was used to would be a great change.  Josh’s parents took the idea well, especially since the drummer’s father wasn’t feeling too well lately and needed to be taken care of as well.  Tyler’s house wasn’t very far from them so they’d be able to visit him whenever they pleased.  But it would be just the two of them, plus Jenna and Mark who would probably come by and stay with them every once in a while.  Jenna actually proposed to go to her parents and leave the two boys to live alone in Tyler’s house, but Josh didn’t even look at it as an option. They were both family to him.

Tyler could sense how uncomfortable and uneasy Josh felt whenever people gathered around him which was understandable and not unusual but it still upset Tyler a little. His best friend has always been easy going and even easier to talk to and enjoyed the company of people even though his anxiety often made him shy and not very talkative.  Right now he wasn’t just shy. He was painfully self-conscious and timid, avoiding conversations and cowering away from physical contact. That in particular was very difficult to get used to, because Josh used to give the best hugs in the world and now the world was a lot colder place without them.

On the other hand kids absolutely loved him and he returned the love with great enthusiasm , often spending hours playing games with them.  Josh was like a magnet , drawing people into his room , mostly other patients with prolonged stay like him, who heard about him and the reason he was hospitalized and wanted to give him some extra courage. Tyler absolutely loved it and often made himself a mental note to do something for this person or that person, just because he was so grateful for the moral support.  And there was so much of it the singer sometimes felt overwhelmed. This was one of the few positive sides to their so called “fame” that Tyler embraced with his entire heart. Josh really needed all the support he could get right now and he was getting plenty of it.

Of course there were negatives sides to it too. Having something so traumatic happen to you when you’re as famous as they both were of course couldn’t go unnoticed or undiscussed. Tyler often went for days without logging into his social media accounts because the things being written there were making him angry and upset.  He also hate how he couldn’t go anywhere without being followed by cameras and paparazzi. They all wanted to know how Josh was doing and tried to get more details about what happened to him while he was gone. Getting a photo of the drummer right now would probably cost thousands of dollars and Tyler could often see people lurking around the hospital’s premises probably in hopes for taking one.

Thankfully though, Josh saw mostly the positive side, being showered with love and support from fans and people who somehow related to him and his story.  He was a bit preserved around strangers and shied away from physical contact most of the time, but his kind spirit and huge heart compensated for the shyness. No one was left unaffected after meeting Josh. Tyler could completely relate to that because seeing his best win his everyday battles and survive every single obstacle thrown at him the way he did was truly something special to witness.

He wanted nothing more but to see his friend overcome this huge adversity and begin truly living, not just survive one day at a time. He wanted Josh to be happy again, to feel confident and self-worthy again. It was his biggest wish and he’d fight to make it happen with all he could.

But for now he had to settle for smaller goals, like making Josh smile by bringing him his favorite snack or sing him his favorite song.  He’d spend some time to learn the cords to play Josh’s favorite Death Cab For Cutie  songs on ukulele and the drummer’s reaction when Tyler finally played them for him was absolutely priceless.

He sat at the edge of the bed, after exhausting rehab session and tried to hide his pain while Tyler tuned his uke and tapped nervously with his foot on the floor. Hope was allowed to stay In Josh’s room but she had to be placed in a kennel so she wouldn’t be able to run off. Animals were normally not allowed in hospital rooms but for Josh an exception was made. The presence of the kitten calmed down the drummer’s anxiety and relieved some of his nervousness. Music did that too and that’s why Tyler was sitting in his chair gripping the ukulele in both hands and hoping that Josh will like his performance. He never really cared what people thought about their music, except for his best friend who always had a say in their music making process.

Josh smiled encouragingly at him while trying to find a comfortable position to sit. He couldn’t really settle down these days, always struggling to find a pose that wouldn’t hurt. Tyler was worried because the pain in his back seemed to get worse instead of better ,but the drummer refused to acknowledge that or take any action to change it. They’ve had scheduled visits from Pratt again after Josh went back home and Tyler really hoped that his psychiatrist friend could figure out how to help with that matter. There was obviously a lot going on in the drummer’s mind and it wasn’t good. Self-destruction and self-hatred were both symptoms of CPTSD Josh was suffering from. It’s incredibly difficult to help somebody who doesn’t believe he deserves help and doesn’t want to get better once again not believing he deserves it.  As frustrating as it was, Tyler had to be strong and not force anything on Josh who was still very fragile mentally.

Tyler moved his eyes from the ground to his friend’s form on the bed, where the tiny kitten Hope was cuddling in the drummer’s folded arms.  He strummed randomly and Hope mewed , probably awoken from her nap.

“Shh” Josh said, petting Hope’s head “ My best f-friend’s about to sing me  a song “ he said smiling down at the cat and then up at Tyler.  The singer’s heart melted.

“Okay umm this is probably gonna suck, but .. yeah .. “ Tyler trailed off, gripping the instrument tighter in his hands and strumming experimentally again. Josh giggled and closed his eyes for a moment before saying “Not a chance” which made Tyler’s heart thud extra strong.  He started playing the intro for “I will follow you into the dark” and Josh literally squealed, scaring Hope who jumped and grumbled in his lap.

“Sorry” he muttered to the cat and Tyler almost burst out laughing because he honestly looked concerned for the kitten’s feelings which was the cutest thing ever.

Right. The song. The melody was fairly easy since the cords pretty much repeated themselves throughout the song , but it was josh’s favorite song and Tyler really wanted to NOT fuck it up. By the look in the drummer’s face he was absolutely loving it; his eyes were closed and he gently rocked side to side to a rhythm only he could hear in his head. His fingers tapped on his folded knees, drumming a beat probably without realizing it.  Tyler never wanted to stop playing because he never wanted to stop seeing Josh so peaceful and content.  

The song eventually ended and Josh opened his eyes and applauded enthusiastically, wincing slightly

“t-that was awesome, Ty, holy crap “ he exclaimed and hugged Hope close to his chest “ Wasn’t It t-the best thing you’ve ever h-heard ? “ He asked the kitten who purred in return. Josh gently gabbed her little paws and tapped them together a few times, mimicking applause.

“S-ee ? H-hope’s loved it you too “ he said, with a cheeky smile and Tyler laughed and felt his heart get warmer at the sight.

“ Yeah Hope knows what’s up “ Tyler answered still laughing and left his ukulele to rest by the chair.

“What ? You’re n-not gonna play another one ? “ Josh pouted

“ You’ve got an appointment with a surgeon today, remember ? To see how your shoulders are doing and if you can have the surgery dr. Cheung was talking about a few months back ? “ the singer reminded Josh and saw his face fall slightly. It was a sensitive subject because every time someone brought up his shoulders the questions about drumming followed which was always painful. 

“ Oh” is all Josh said and nodded, making Tyler feel pretty bad for reminding him

“ Hey, I’m pretty sure it’s gonna go just fine . Plus if you don’t feel ready to go forward with it you don’t have to. “ he added and Josh shook his head.

“ I d-don’t think I’ll ever b-be ready for a life without my drums “ Josh said, concentrating on petting the purring kitten in his lap. “ I often wonder w-what’s gonna happen n-next you know ? If I can’t d-drum what the hell am I going t-to do ? “  and yeah it was something Tyler thought about a lot too.

Josh could be so many other things, but he knew himself that nothing could substitute doing what he loved most. If Tyler lost his voice he could still play music and write lyrics but he wouldn’t be able to sing which is what he does, it’s what helps him move forward.  Josh was talented and gifted person who could do so many things to change the world, Tyler knew that better than he knew how to spell his own name. But the truth was that his friend would never feel satisfied or truly happy doing anything else, besides drumming and playing in a band with him.

“ We’ll figure it out, Josh. If it hurts drumming the way you have before we’ll find another way. We’ll get you a custom drum set, write more songs that will fit , we’ll figure it out. “ Tyler said and reached out for Josh’s hands. The drummer let go of Hope and grabbed Tyler’s slightly cold figners, his eyes wet and blinking rapidly.

“ I promise you I ‘ll do anything in my power to help you feel happy. Even if it means altering our music and our shows, I don’t care. As long as you feel happy I will be happy “ A couple of tears spill out of Josh’s eyes and he sniffles. He’s hurting so much, the weight of the unknown dragging him down and making him feel helpless against the burden.  Tyler couldn’t say he understood how that felt, but he definitely tried to understand him better every day.

“ D-do you think people will f-forget about us ? Will they s-stop listening to our music while we’re on this .. break ?” Josh said with wavering voice and Tyler knew that fear pretty well himself. He thought about this a lot, feared the loss of audience and interest while months dragged and Josh was still missing. It surprised him that people still shared their music, still tweeted him every day, still asked about new music and new shows. Their fans never stopped supporting them. Something makes Tyler think that they won’t stop, no matter how much time passes. Because their songs are timeless, infinite, as long as they keep people out there battle their demons and find peace of mind.

“ No “ Tyler answered, not just because he wanted to make Josh feel better, but he really meant it. “ We might not get as much attention, but people will definitely not forget us. Our fans are the core of this band and I don’t think this will change just because we’ve stopped being active for a while “

“ For a couple of years “ Josh mutters , still unconvinced

“ Even if it takes a decade, they will come around. Don’t think about that now, okay ? I need you to focus on getting better and the rest will come naturally “ Tyler squeezed his fingers and Josh nodded.

“ Dr. Cheung said it w-would either make it b-better or make it w-worse “ it’s true, the doctor warned them that replacing joints isn’t always a solution and could make things even more difficult for Josh, if his body didn’t accept the replacements.  But if it did, they will increase his mobility and lessen the pressure on his spine and decrease the pain as well.  “ W-what if it gets worse ? “ Josh asked biting his lip.

“Then we’ll find another solution. “

“ I’m s-scared Tyler “

“ I know, me too, J “ Tyler moved from his spot near Josh’s bed and hugged him instead. His best friend has walked a long road and still had a long one to walk ahead.  It was unfair and cruel, but Tyler knew deep down that Josh would make it. He was resilient and brave, in a way that he made the stars envy his courage.  People say that you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.  And damn they are right.

 

*

The checkup goes as good as it can , considering the fact that the doctor has to touch Josh a lot and the drummer is tense the entire time.  They make a couple of scans ,to see how the damage has progressed and if there’s any change in his condition. It appears that there is a change, for the worst as his shoulders position has shifted considerably and the damaged joints have twisted even further. It’s the kind of trauma you can’t read about in medical books, because it hasn’t been treated a lot so they have to improvise for the most part.

The doctor watched the scans intently for a couple of minutes furrowing his eyebrows and Tyler felt nervous.

“Is something wrong ? “ He asked but honestly that was such a stupid question considering how damaged Josh’s spine was.

“ It seems like there are a couple of vertebras that are out of their place “ dr. Cheung said while still looking at the scans in his hand “ There are nerves trapped in between them that are probably being damaged as well.” he turned to Josh raising his eyebrows.

“ Doesn’t your back hurt a lot, son ? “ the doctor asked and Tyler saw Josh look down at his feet. He knew his best friend better than he knew himself. This wasn’t good.

“ Y-yea “  Josh stutters and bites his thumb nail “ But I c-can handle it “ he adds and darts a nervous look at Tyler.

“ If the nerves really are trapped between bones they might get permanently damaged.  Are you sure it’s not very sharp pain that shoots up and down your spine when you move ? “ the doctor kept  questioning, probably as unconvinced as Tyler.

“ It-s.. manageable “ Josh answered and kept biting at the skin around his thumb.

“ Alright. But if it does get worse, you need to tell me, okay ? “ Josh nodded and pulled at the grey beanie hiding his hair.

“ Okay “ dr. Cheung said and got up from his chair “ I will need you to try and keep your spine as straight as possible. Same goes for your shoulders, we need to make sure they’re standing in the right position, because from what I see you already have beginning stages of irreversible spinal deformation . There are special supporting belts you can wear to help your posture. They’re not the most comfortable things in the world, but they could keep your spine in the right position.  As for the surgery I suggest you get a little bit stronger, a little bit healthier before we proceed. The healing process will take a while and if you’re in the condition you are right now it might take months to recover.”

Josh nodded and said a quiet  “okay”, still not looking up from his feet. Tyler stood up to walk the doctor to the door and talked to him for a while before he left. Closing the door the turned to Josh who was trying to find a comfortable position on the bed.

“ Are you in pain ? “ Tyler asked , concern written all over his face and laced in his voice. Josh was looking pretty uncomfortable and that really bothered the singer.

“ Are th-hey going to cut m-my painkillers as well ? “ Josh asked instead of answering , but to Tyler it was answer enough

“ Probably yeah “

“ Okay “ Josh said and sighted  but winced straight away “ I can h-handle it “

“ Josh ,I’ve told you before. You don’t have to “handle” anything. If it’s too uncomfortable we’ll talk to the doctor and he’ll get your dosage back to higher “ Josh looked miserable , but determination was written all over his face.

“ Does your back hurt ?” Tyler asked next because he was pretty sure that Josh was hiding something from the doctor.

“ Umm .. yeah, b-but it’s not too b-bad “ Josh answered but he looked so pale Tyler thought he might pass out any moment.

“Did you lie to the doctor ? Josh, tell me the truth, please “ he was getting impatient and anxious. What if Josh did have damaged nerves ? Did he want to spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair?

When Josh didn’t answer Tyler turned back around and walked to the door.

“That’s it, I’m going to get the doctor back “ he was about to walk out, but was stopped by Josh’s slightly breathless voice

“Ty, no “followed by a grunt of pain when Josh apparently moved forward to stop Tyler from leaving. Guilt filled the singer’s heart, who turned around and saw Josh sitting at the end of the bed, looking desperate and on the verge of tears.

“ Please, Ty, I can d-do it “ it was clear how uncomfortable he was, why did he insist on being in pain, Tyler couldn’t get it..

“ Why Josh ? Do you want to be in pain ? Do you enjoy it or something ? “  Tyler said, but realized he went too far and clamped his mouth shut. He could see Josh’s shoulders slumping and his beautiful brown eyes fill with something in between guilt and hurt.

“ Sorry “ Tyler instantly apologized and rushed to his bed , wrapping his hands around his friend’s shoulders “ I had no right to say that, Josh “ he could feel the other man tremble and let himself be wrapped in in the warm hug.

“ I d-don’t enjoy it, Ty “ Josh said after a pause filled with silence and heavy breathing “ But I need it “ that made Tyler squeeze his eyes and fight back  a fit of sobs.

“ Please don’t hurt yourself on purpose Josh “ Tyler pleaded “ You don’t deserve it, I promise you “ he was trying to console the other man, but he was shaking too hard.

“ But I d-do “ he heard Josh say even though his voice was very quiet “ I deserve all of t-this, Tyler, I d-don’t know how t-to move on from what happened “

“ No, Josh, no “ Tyler said firmly and pulled away from his trembling friend. “ Do you hear me ? Whatever happened to you in that hell hole was not your fault.  None of it was in your control “ he could see Josh shake his head at his words, expression of pain ghosting over his face.

“ You d-don’t know “ Josh forced out “ You d-don’t understand “ sensing how things are going towards a panic attack Tyler took a deep breath and held Josh’s face in his hands.

“ I don’t, J , you’re right. None of us can understand what you’re going through.  But you’re not talking to me, you’re not helping me understand .. and I just don’t know how to help you.”

“ I d-don’t deserve help “ Josh pulled away from Tyler’s touch and held his head in his shaking hands  “ I don’t d-deserve you , I don’t d-deserve anything, ann-nything . I-I- “ his voice was lost in a half sob, half cough.

“ This is not true “ Tyler said  feeling so helpless “ IT’s not true Josh, I don’t believe it”

“ You don’t know “ Josh repeated “ I’m s-so disgusting, I’m h-horrible, Tyler , I feel s-so dirty “  Tyler let out a desperate sound that made Josh flinch away.

“Josh I know you okay? I’ve known you for years and you are none of those things “ Josh kept shaking his head  , like he didn’t believe a word Tyler was saying.

“ T-that Josh is gone Tyler “ Josh was crying at that point, tears of deeply rooted self-hatred staining his sunken cheeks. “ You don’t kn-now me , you have n-no idea who I am now”

“ Josh, please, I know you, I know you, I love you the way you are and nothing will change that.”

“NO” Josh screamed and Tyler almost fell off the edge of the bed where he was sitting “ S-stop saying that. You  d-don’t fucking love me “ he was screaming and Tyler felt terrified because he has never heard his best friend raise his voice like that.

“Yes, I do “ he tried to answer as calm as possible, but the pain he felt at the sight in front of him was breaking his heart

“ You c-can’t “ Josh said clutching at his beanie “ You c-can’t Tyler, you can’t “

“ I fucking can alright ? You can’t possibly make me un-love you Josh , do you understand ? “

“ But I – I “ Josh was trying to say something but he struggled with the words and nothing but tears came out

“ You what ? What did you do that makes you think you deserve to live with all of this pain ? “ Tyler was raising his voice now as well , but the thought of Josh hurting himself on purpose right in front of him was driving him mad. And how could Josh possibly expect Tyler to stop loving him all of a sudden.

“ I d-did it and I d-don’t deserve to live “ Tyler buried his face in his hands, because this was too much

“ What ? You did what ? “ he said a bit too loud , but he was so angry at his own helplessness it was impossible to stay calm.

“ I – I killed s--someone “  Josh said and broke down sobbing, clutching his knees and pulling them up to his chest.

Tyler was speechless.  He gaped at his sobbing friend, lost at words , lost at sound, just feeling completely and utterly lost . He honestly didn’t expect Josh to admit to something like that even though he was preparing himself for something truly awful. But this...  God. 

He climbed on the bed, but Josh jumped back and away from him so fast Tyler stopped himself right away.

“ I k-killed him, Tyler. I killed him, I p-pulled the tr-riger and shot him in t-t-the head, I k-killed him  _ikilledhimikilledhim “_  Josh was scratching at his arms, leaving nasty red marks all over his pale skin and cried like he hasn’t cried since him and Tyler got reunited.  And the singer had no clue what to do.

“ Josh, Josh,  please “ he begged, getting closer to Josh who shook his head and kept scratching his arms until they started bleeding “ Josh , it’s okay, it’s not your fault, don’t hurt yourself , please “ he inched even closer, taking advantage of the fact that his friend was crying too hard to notice him moving. “ Josh, you were trapped there, you didn’t have a choice “ Tyler kept talking, trying to calm Josh down at least a little. There were scratches covering his forearms that bled and his right hand looked more damaged due to its fragile and still healing state of his skin.

Finally moving close enough to wrap his hands around Josh, Tyler grabbed both of his hands so he couldn’t hurt himself and felt Josh tensing.

“ P-please don’t hurt me, I did w-what you asked me t-to do , please do-don’t “ Tyler hugged him and held him close as Josh cried and babbled, too wrapped up in whatever nightmare he was relieving in his mind.  Josh didn’t hug back, he just sat there and cried, talking to someone who wasn’t there and begged. Tyler cried too because he didn’t know what else to do and couldn’t find a possible way to fix this.

Josh has been keeping this inside for months and months and God knows what else happened to him there he never told anyone about.  Pratt has told him a couple of times that the psychological torture was a lot more traumatizing than the physical because it messed with the head of the victim and left traces there , which were sometimes impossible to erase. Physically Josh was healing, but  deep inside he was still so very broken. Nobody could see the scars littering his soul , nobody could reach out and fix the cracks in his mind or mend the broken pieces in his heart. Being forced to hurt other people to save his own life  or see and hear others get hurt has messed him up pretty badly.

Tyler held him as close as he could, knowing he can’t really help him , because his words were only words, they couldn’t fix anything.  Josh cried for a full hour before his voice gave out and his body got too exhausted and fell asleep in Tyler’s embrace.  The tears never stopped slipping out of his closed eyelids.  He didn’t stop shaking either, even though the singer has wrapped him up in a blanket. His body was fighting the guilt in its own way, trying to shake it out of his bones and cry it out of his eyes. Too bad crying couldn’t cure his self-hatred , like the suffering couldn’t stop the guilt from crushing his insides.

Tyler was dying to help Josh somehow, to spit that burden in two and carry half of it on his own shoulders, to make it better somehow but instead he stayed by his friend’s side, holding him while he slept, then kept holding him while he vomited all over himself and the bed and then still held him while he cried again.

That cycle continued for the next days, even weeks; Josh would wake up crying and shaking, then threw up everything he’d eaten the day before, then cried some more and fell asleep. He stopped talking or communing in any way or shape, closing in on himself completely which killed Tyler every day. He took Josh home the day after his breakdown and spent most of it in Josh’s bed, hugging his crying friend , singing him songs to sooth his pain and read him his favorite books. Nothing helped though, not the songs, nor the books or the warm embrace. 

Selective mutism, it appeared could be provoked or triggered by a traumatizing memory or any sort of traumatizing experience. According to Pratt who Tyler called almost straight away for advice told him that the memory of taking somebody’s life has brought back something that Josh’s mind has been trying to suppress.  Maybe it was a memory of an event that happened before or after he killed the person or maybe even during.  His brain was basically denying that any of those things have happened by shutting down and making him completely unresponsive.

Tyler honestly didn’t know what to do. Josh had to come around on his own time and by his own terms, but waiting helplessly was close to torture. He was losing weight again which was a huge setback, since it has taken the drummer months to regain some of his normal weight back and now he was losing it again. Josh had no appetite and whenever he ate something he threw it all up not long after. It’s like his body didn’t want to function and refused food and water on purpose. To punish Josh.  Witnessing that was unbearable.

Tyler could barely contain his own urges of self-destruction that tore him apart from inside out and didn’t allow him any sleep. The guilt from pushing Josh towards this breakdown wouldn’t let him breath and he often found himself drowning. Jenna did her best to stay strong and support him, but the truth was that he felt like he’s terminally ill and waiting for death to arrive. Josh wasn’t getting any better.  He was having nightmares that gave Tyler nightmares. He woke up screaming and trashing. Tyler thought about admitting Josh into a mental institution if things got even worse because clearly he wasn’t competent enough to help his suffering friend.  Maybe he needed professional help. Maybe things were too messed up to go away on their own. Thinking that made Tyler feel like a terrible friend, like he was trying to get rid of Josh once it got too difficult to handle.

Days turned into a week and things took turn for the worst when one morning Josh simply didn’t wake up. Tyler checked his pulse and breathing a couple of times and everything seemed fine. But Josh was deeply asleep and showed no signs of life no matter how much effort Tyler put into waking him up. He shook his friend, pushed at his shoulder, slapped his face even out of fear and panic but got no reaction.

This made Tyler run for his phone and call an ambulance, explaining with barely understandable voice that his friend fell asleep and wouldn’t wake up. When the paramedics arrived they checked Josh’s vitals, his breathing, heartbeat, blood pressure and etc but everything seemed to be perfectly fine with him.

“Is he taking any pills ? Painkillers or strong sleeping medicine ?” one of the paramedics asked, wincing at Josh’s scar  covered chest while checking his breathing again

“ Ye-yeah he’s taking some pretty hardcore stuff “ Tyler answered and the anxiety swelled in his chest “ Do you think they’re the reason he’s not waking up ? “

“It’s possible yes “ the man answered and sighted “ Is he eating enough ? He looks pretty malnourished to me “

“ He does have trouble eating “ Tyler admitted and “ Why ? Why are you asking ?”

“ Sometimes when a patient is taking heavy sedatives but doesn’t eat enough it takes longer for the body to recover from their effect. If your friend is on heavy painkillers he might need more time to sleep in order to function properly again. “ that didn’t sound good at all and Tyler was so nervous he felt like throwing up himself.

“ So you think we should just let him sleep it off ? “ he asked and both paramedics nodded.

“ He should wake up in the next 12 to 24 hours. If he doesn’t then you might have to call us again to take him to the hospital. For now just let his body rest. It’s for his own good “ the paramedic said and Tyler nodded. He didn’t miss the curious looks of both men who probably knew who his friend was and why he was in the state he was in.

“ Is it true that they tortured him for 8 months ? “ one of the men couldn’t help himself and asked

“ Jim ! “ the other one who was a little bit older scolded his colleague.

“ What ? I’m just asking if it’s true, I don’t believe what tabloids say these days. “ he defends himself and Tyler sighs.

“ Yeah, it’s true “ he answers and feels 100 years old. It still hurts to say it out loud, to confirm it to people. Somewhere deep in his mind Josh was still the bright little ray of pureness and sunshine he once was.

“ That’s a freaking hero right there “ the younger paramedic exclaimed and shot an empathy glance at Josh “ My dad was a veteran from the war in Vietnam. He was also captured by their enemies and endured three months of torture in their prison camp. Had nightmares every night for the rest of his life. But he was one of the bravest men I’ve ever known and wore more scars I have ever seen a single man carry. Well besides your brave friend over there “ he pointed towards Josh with sadness in his eyes “ So my dad always told me that scars and not reminders of the abuse he has suffered, but they are reminders of how strong he was to survive it. It takes strength to survive it and courage to keep living with the reminders every day for the rest of your life” the man finished, with wet eyes and trembling voice. He talked about his father in past tense so he must’ve passed away.  Tyler felt tears in his own eyes because God he wanted Josh to see his own scars that way. Not as reminders of the horrors he has been through , but as signs of strength and  courage.  He wished for it from the bottom of his heart.

After the paramedics left Tyler found himself absolutely restless. Josh kept sleeping and not responding to anything Tyler was doing.  He was motionless, lying in an unmoving heap on the bed with the grey beanie pulled on his hair and wet races on his cheeks. Tyler has never seen anyone cry in their sleep before, but now it was an everyday thing.  He was sure that Josh wasn’t sleeping peacefully. He was probably trapped in some nightmare, fighting to find his way back but being pulled back into the darkness by his messed up mind.  He kept sleeping. Tyler was losing hope.

**

_The hard concrete floor was pressing on his bruised flesh, digging into wounds and cuts on his back. He didn’t know how long he has spent just lying there helplessly, body too wrecked to do more than just function. His entire back was stripped off flesh with the bull whip they used on him last time he was conscious and hurt so much it almost made him black out again. The beating was terribly painful, but the aftermath was always the worst. They left him for hours to lay in his own blood and filth and sweat, to suffer the aftermath of the torture and wait for the next one to begin and tear his body further apart. Josh had no clue how his body kept working after taking so much abuse and being given zero rest to recover. It was miracle. Josh hated his body for being so strong._

 

_He also hated his high pain tolerance level, because it kept him awake during the hours of abuse and only blacked out for seconds o_ r  _minutes before returning back to the terrifying reality_   _.  He hated how aware he was of everything that happened to him, how disgusting some of the things_   _being done to him_   _were and how he could feel every second of it._

 

_Someone was flipping him on his stomach and Josh knew what was coming. They never took him on his back, never untied him when they raped him and never let him drift off until they were done. It was rare for him to be raped by only one person, it almost never happened. They all wanted a piece of him. They all wanted their sweet revenge on the “American spy “as they all saw him. Sometimes they fucked him a couple of times each, taking turns and pass him around like a rag doll. Josh took it all , he just laid there and took it  , too hurt to struggle and too afraid to protest. He used to fight it ,back when they first started raping him and it ended with broken bones every single time. Whenever he struggled to get away his ribs were broken.  Whenever he flinched away or tried to escape his nose or jaw or fingers were broken. Fighting only brought more pain, adding to the agony of being taken dry, by multiple men who became even more violent when he fought it._   _So he didn’t fight it anymore._

 

_Josh cried quietly, desperately trying to will his stupid body to stop fighting_. _He was drifting away for_   _moment, but the stiffness pushing into his already torn ass brought him back_   _to reality_   _roughly, making his exhausted body attempt to pull away, to crawl from the pain that would surely split him right open._

 

_There was nowhere to run thought, he was trapped and weak and absolutely helpless against the man behind him._   _Josh could hear someone crying on the floor , it sounded like a young boy who was fighting and sobbing somewhere next to him. His heart clenched, aching for the boy, because if they did to him what they were doing to Josh it was hardy possible for him to survive the next couple of days. He has seen younger boys and girls die here, either from their wounds or starvation or infections while he still survived, still made it somehow even though his own body was on the verge of breaking._

 

_The boy must’ve been new, because Josh’s experience told him they usually stopped crying after being gang raped and stopped responding altogether  after going through it a couple of times.  This one seemed freshly kidnapped and Josh felt his heart literally bleed, knowing what will happen to him. “God, please don’t let him get hurt badly, please help him” Josh prayed, squeezing his eyes shut and trying not to imagine how terrifying the whole thing looked to the boy who witnessed the entire brutalizing scene._

 

_The man behind him pulled out with a grunt and a second later something warm and sticky splashed on his lower back and tickled down his ass cheeks to mix with the rest of the cum that was already drying on his shaking thighs. He didn’t know how many people raped him tonight. He remembered four, but he could never be sure. The pain in his entire lower body told him it could be more, but he might’ve passed out at some point._

 

_They let Josh slump down to the ground, chains around his wrists and neck clanging loudly when he collided with the hard surface underneath. His ribs hurt so badly he could barely take small breaths and falling on his chest sent an excruciating jolt of pain that made him heave on the ground. He needed a moment to catch his breath , just a minute of peace to collect himself, but the moment he ended up on the ground someone was kicking him , hitting his bruised sides and  forcing more tears out of his eyes._

 

_“ Get up” someone commanded him, but at that moment it sounded like they were asking of him to grow wings and fly .  Josh still made a pathetic attempt to raise from the concrete, but the pain brought him straight down. Everything hurt.  Every single molecule in his body hurt._

_A guard yanked him by the chain on his collar and made him gag and cough, forcing his head up from the ground and kept pulling until Josh managed to get his chest and stomach off the floor.  There was a puddle of blood where his body was just a second ago, making his vision go black for a moment._

 

_“ Now this is what’s going to happen “ another guard chimed in “ You , American whore are going to fuck him “ he pointed towards the boy who Josh could see more clearly now. He was kneeling on the ground, looking scared and on the verge of a massive breakdown , but still somehow managing to keep it together. His thin body was covered in bruises and cuts, his hair was matted with blood and his left eye was almost completely closed from a fresh bruise. He looked like he was from around here, judging by his dark skin and dark eyes.  Those eyes were full of so much terror Josh felt his heart ache again. This boy couldn’t be older than 15 or 16 and he just witnessed a gang rape and was threatened with the same happening to him. That terror was definitely justified._

 

_The boy shook even harder, hearing the guard’s words and looked at Josh pleadingly, shaking his head from side to side. He was trembling himself, feeling absolutely disgusted by the thought of doing this to another human being, knowing full well how much It hurts both physically and emotionally._

 

_Josh shook his head, looking at the guard who was holding his leash and kept him from slumping back down to the ground. He could never do this to another person. He just couldn’t._

_“Okay, then we will all fuck him.” The masked man announced and smirked “ I don’t know if he’ll survive it thought he weights like 10 pounds “ the rest of the guards laughed and looked at the kneeling boy with animalistic hunger in their eyes. At that Josh wanted to throw up._

 

_One of the men approached the boy who whimpered and somehow managed to jump out of the guard’s grip and clinged to Josh’s body like his life depended on it. The older man flinched but otherwise didn’t move away from the desperate grip the boy had on his arms._

 

_Josh would do absolutely anything in that moment to somehow save the kid from a fate similar to his. He would have begged them to spare him,  but he knew that begging never changed anything. If anything it only angered his captors and brought more violence. Once you end up chained up on your knees in front of these people there was no mercy._

 

_The boy was shaking so hard Josh was afraid he will fall apart right there on the ground. His hands were chained together so he couldn’t hug the kid but he leaned his head on his shoulder to show him he’s there._

 

_“ Don’t let them ,please don’t let them , please please please “ the boy was begging, pressing himself into Josh like he could melt into him and escape his fate. The guards looked angry now and one of them went to grab the boy but Josh moved to cover him with his body and let out a sob from the pain that went through his body like a wildfire._

 

_“Don’t, don’t touch him “ he mustered the courage to speak and felt the kid pressing himself into his back, hiding from the guards as best as he could. “Please , don’t hurt him. I’ll do what you want just leave him alone “_

 

_“ Fuck him “ was the answer he got an Josh almost broke down crying again._

 

_“I  can’t “ he rasped out, just the sole thought of moving seemed absolutely unimaginable to him “ I hurt too much “_

 

_“ I bet he’s a virgin “ someone else said and the rest of the men laughed and whistled. This made the boy completely lose his composure and sob openly. Josh regretted understanding their language because hearing them speak like that made his insides feel rotten. This boy… he was just a kid. A child. Someone torn out of their family and their life and thrown into this madness. This wasn’t fair. Josh felt tears burning his vision. God he wanted to help the boy so much , but if helping him meant raping him could it actually be help at all ?Of course he’d be gentle and wouldn’t want to hurt the kid on purpose like all of those monsters did, but … God, this was wrong on so many levels._

 

_“ Undress him and put your dick in his ass “ another one said , looking impatient. “ If you don’t I will and you’ll stay here to watch “ that made Josh shudder with disgust and fear. He didn’t want to do it. He truly honestly didn’t. But the other prospect seemed even more terrifying._

 

_“ It’s okay “ he turned to the boy and tried to speak as calmly as possible, but his voice shook terribly and he stuttered over his words “ What’s your name ? “ the boy blinked a couple of times and contemplated whether to answer or not._

_“Abdulla “ he whispered “ Please don’t hurt me “ Abdulla added and started crying again._

_“ I’m sorry, I’m really sorry, but I don’t have much choice right now , do I? “ the boy kept crying and Josh shot a desperate look at all the bystanders , waiting expectantly for him to do what they asked of him._

 

_“ How old are you, Abdulla ? “ Josh was trying as hard as he could to maintain a normal conversation, to bring at least some normality into the situation and at the same time distract him from what was about to happen._

 

_“ 15 “ he said and kept weeping quietly_

 

_“You’re very brave boy “ Josh said and put his hands on the boy’s shoulders who didn’t flinch._

 

_“Either fuck him and shut the hell up or let us have our fun” someone barked at Josh who felt his knees tremble underneath him._

 

_“ Okay, please I just need another minute “  Josh pleaded and turned to Abdulla who shook in the same manner as him. “ If I don’t do this they will all hurt you, do you understand that ? “ he whispered, hoping that the boy will at least cooperate and make it easier for himself. Not that this could be easy at all._

_Abdullah nodded and stared at Josh with terror filled gaze that flickered with hope and Josh felt another pang of sadness at that. Maybe the boy will not be raped by all of these men like Josh was, but his fate will probably be as cruel as the rest of the captives who end up in this place.  Tortured, mutilated, humiliated and killed. There was no place for hope there._

_What happened next would surely be engraved in Josh’s mind for the rest of his existence to bring guilt and shame every time he looked at himself in the mirror. Hurting someone else so they won’t get hurt worse does not feel like doing something good. It still felt he was taking something from somebody that didn’t belong to him. It still felt like he was violating someone who was defenseless, scared and helpless. A minor. A child._

_Josh was hoping he would die in there. He was hoping that he didn’t get the chance to take all of that filth outside of his cell and into the world where normal people lived. He didn’t belong to that world and didn’t deserve to live among those people. Normal people. He would never be normal again. After doing this he felt contagious, like if he touched another person they’ll get dirty or sick. He never wanted to touch another person ever again._

_Surprisingly their captors kept their promise and after hours, when Josh practically passed out on top of the boy, they left their cell and didn’t rape him. Josh drifted in and out of consciousness and the pain was the one pulling him back to reality and then dragging him into the darkness again. He was aware of Abdulla crying somewhere near him, he could hear him sob and heard himself choke and heave and cry when his body allowed it._

_The boy was moving inch by inch, getting closer to him every time Josh opened his eyes. At one point the drummer woke up with his head laid in Abdulla’s lap, cold shaky fingers wiping the sweat off his forehead. He wanted to scream at the boy to leave him alone, to not touch him because for Christ’s sake he raped him and didn’t deserve to be touched by the kid. But the boy didn’t seem to see it that way. He didn’t hate Josh. He didn’t fear Josh. He thanked Josh for saving him and said he would never forget his gesture. Josh threw up when Abdulla thanked him._

_They took the boy a while after that, dragged him out of the cell and Josh never heard from him again. He knew that they were doing It to fuck with his head and break him completely and so far they’ve been successful. They killed every living thing that came near him. They made him rape someone and forced him to watch while they raped other captives and then raped him in front of them. It never ended. It never stopped. Josh didn’t feel human. He felt like one giant dump where everyone threw away their trash and never looked back. He deserved it. He deserved all of it._

_*_

The ground wasn’t cold or hard, it didn’t dig into his wounds and his body didn’t ache the way it did before. There was softness there, he was lying on something comfortable and soft but couldn’t understand why.  He wasn’t freezing, his teeth weren’t clattering and body wasn’t spazming from terrible cold. This wasn’t right. It didn’t feel right. He wasn’t supposed to be warm or comfortable or calm. It wasn’t part of his punishment. 

Something warm was curled up on his chest, soft fur tickling his bare skin and purr vibrating in the hallow of his chest. It felt like the safest place on Earth. Josh fell asleep.

 

*

_The body that lay in a pool of blood next to him was beginning to rot already. The smell that came from it was making Josh feel like he was beginning to rot himself. It was everywhere – in his nose, in his mouth, rooted deeply in his cells. The rotting flesh was a reminder, or rather the stench was one. **You killed this man, Josh. You murdered him and now you will inhale his death and you will rot inside while his body decomposes. You are as dead as he is. You killed him. You killed him. He is dead. You are dead.** Josh was dead._

_*_

The warm thing on top of his chest didn’t purr this time, but snorted softly. There was no stench of rotten flesh, no blood, no chains. He couldn’t open his eyes, but the softness underneath him could never be a part of that ugly, cold and unforgiving world. The dead body was gone. It has probably decomposed and disappeared. Its death though stayed in Josh. He could feel the rot in his chest even though the smell was long gone. His soul was rotten. His soul was decomposed and disappeared. He was dead. Josh was dead.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said I was feeling pretty awful and this is what came out as a result.  
> Please don't hate me.  
> Maybe next chapter will have more positivity in it. But as a whole this fic is dark so don't expect too much happiness.
> 
> Also as a side note I will say that during my research for this story I ended up reading a lot about other people experiences and some of these elements/scenes were inspired by them. Just think about this happening to a real person :\\\
> 
> My tumblr is [i-m-a-goner-takeitslow](http://i-m-a-goner-takeitslow.tumblr.com/) let's all cry together


	35. The sun will rise and we will try again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A shorter chapter i'm posting because i feel like an ass for ending the previous one the way I did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote it this morning when I woke up at 5 am and watched the sun rise.  
> I might've cried a little.

_“There was never a night or a problem that could defeat sunrise or hope “- Bern Williams_

 

 

Tyler spent 12 agonizing hours after the paramedics left,  waiting for Josh to wake up or show any signs of life. Even though they assured the singer that there isn’t anything seriously wrong with his health,  Tyler was still terrified by the lack of movement or any reaction. Josh was deeply asleep and looked … dead. If it wasn’t for the rapidly rising and falling of his chest Tyler wouldn’t be able to tell the difference really.

And then out of nowhere, Josh started trashing, scaring Tyler who was lying on his side next to him and drifting off into slumber. He was pulled out of it pretty harshly when the pink haired man lying next to him began shaking and whimpering, distress and fear obvious in the way his voice trembled and body folded in on itself. Tyler’s reaction was immediate. He wrapped Josh in a hug, no matter how much the other man was trashing and shaking. Tyler held on and heard the wheezing coming out of Josh’s lungs, the desperate sobs that poured out like a waterfall and made his heart clench with pain.

“ Mom “ Josh sobbed into Tyler’s chest where the singer held him tightly “ Please, please mom “ he hugged harder, rubbing the drummer’s back slowly

“ It’s okay, Josh, you’re home, you’re safe now. Shhh “ Tyler whispered and felt Josh tremble even harder.

“ I- I – want t-to go h-home, please I just w-want to go home “ he sounded like a little kid who was lost and wanted to go home to his mom.

“ You’re home, Josh, you’re home, it’s okay “  Tyler kept saying with aching throat that kept closing in on itself from how badly he wanted to cry.

Josh cried in his arms for a while, his body getting weaker and weaker until he went limp and quiet. Tyler was scared that the drummer will fall asleep for days without waking up again, but Josh opened his chocolate collared eyes and stared at Tyler like he couldn’t believe his friend was actually there.

“ Ty ? “ he asked, lips trembling in unison with his voice

“Hey “ Tyler said and kissed his forehead “ I’m here, it’s okay “

“ I’m so sorry Ty “ Josh said and started shaking again “ I s-swear I didn-n’t mean it “ and oh God he was talking about the person he said he killed during his captivity and he sounded so guilty and heartbroken it broke Tyler’s heart as well.

“ Josh, listen to me. You don’t ever have to apologize for this okay ? Not to me or anyone else “ he said firmly, suddenly angry at the whole world for letting this happen to his best friend.

“ I w-was sick “ Josh whispered and closed his eyes “ I was in p-pain and had fever a-and …. “ he choked and let out a sob which made Tyler run a soothing hand over his cheek.

“It’s okay, Josh , you don’t have to talk about it right now … “

“ B-but I k-killed someone Ty. I killed an innocent m-man, s-someone who was held there like m-me, s-someone with family and friends and.. and .. “ Josh shook his head, face scrunched up in pain. “ I h-had no right to do it, but I d-did. I did it Ty “

“ Did you do it because you wanted to ? “ Tyler asked and Josh’s eyes flew open like he couldn’t believe that his friend was even asking him this question.

“N-no, of course n-not I would n-never …” Josh started babbling, but Tyler interrupted him

“ I know you wouldn’t. This is exactly my point – you were forced to do it, they made you, manipulated you into it and left you with no choice. This can’t possibly be your fault, okay ? “

“B-but I pulled the trigger “ the drummer said and more tears poured out at the memory “ I s-saw him slump to the ground, I had his b-blood and g-guts spattered all over m-me “ Tyler was on the edge of throwing up all over the bed when he tried to imagine how it would feel pull the trigger and literally feel the other person die, because of you.

“P-please don’t hate me “ it was barely above whisper, but Tyler felt like Josh just screamed at him at the top of his lungs. “ You’re all I’ve g-got left, Ty. You’re the only reason I’m s-still trying “

“ Josh, I could never hate you. Nothing could ever make me hate you, do you understand ? I love you so fucking much and I don’t care what happens from now on or what happened in the past, what I know is that nothing could make me hate you.” Tyler said passionately and felt his own tears pour out of his eyes.

“Please” Josh said and pressed his face into the younger man’s chest “ You w-were the only reason I h-held on for s-so long back there “ 

“ I will never hate you, Josh. Never, I promise “ he said again and felt Josh relax a little in his arms.

“Thank you “ Josh whispered and opened his wide with fear eyes to stare Tyler into his “ T-thank you for being h-here “

“ Always “ Tyler answered and nodded. “ Always, Josh “

 

 

Hope crawled into bed with them and fell asleep on Josh who was curled up on Tyler’s chest. The warmth and the soothing purr pulled Tyler to sleep since he was so exhausted from lack of sleep and nerves it didn’t take much. He woke up from nightmares a couple of times, finding Josh exactly where he remembered seeing him last – curled in on himself, laying his head on Tyler’s chest and two fists still clutching the singer’s shirt.  He looked so young when he slept, no trace of the pain that never seemed to leave his face these days, no desperation and guilt in his gaze , no traces of torture lingering in his tired eyes.  Tyler could almost imagine that none of the horrible things from the past year has happened, that Josh was just tired and slept peacefully in his embrace.  But the scars were difficult not to notice and the they were littering his neck and throat, a couple of them decorating his face in a haunting matter.  Tyler sighted and tired stretching his legs out, but his position wasn’t allowing him too much movement. Feeling sore , the singer shifted slowly, moving Josh along with him doing his best not to wake the drummer. He completely forgot about the cat who was peacefully sleeping on Josh’s side , but when his body shifted positions Hope woke up with a whine, followed by what sounded like a mewl of annoyance.

“Shhhh” Tyler tried to hush the kitten before she woke up Josh, but the little ball of fur didn’t seem to worry about that at all. Hope mewled again, getting up and jumping off Josh , landing near his face. This seemed to scare the sleeping drummer out of his slumber, who clenched his fingers so tightly around Tyler’s shirt he was afraid it would tear any moment.

“ No, please, p-please “ Josh whispered , his body shaking with tremors

“ Josh, hey “ Tyler turned around and clicked the bedside lamp on, hoping that the light will help Josh feel more safe. He knew that his captors kept him in darkness and he probably associated it with being back there. “ You’re okay ,it’s Tyler “ he said, running his palm over Josh’s forehead and found it damp with sweat

“ Ty “ Josh said, relief obvious in his hoarse voice “ Oh t-thank God “ he said and unclenched his fingers from Tyler’s shirt. “ It is y-you “ he smiled, pressing his face to his friend’s chest.  

“ Yeah, it’s okay, of course it’s me”  Tyler took a deep breath and looked at his watch. 04:30 am. “ You should go back to sleep, it’s way too early “

“No !” Josh almost screamed and shook his head “Don’t w-wanna sleep any more. I k-keep waking up back in t-that cell “ he added quietly and shuddered.

“ Umm well okay, you don’t have to sleep if you don’t want to… do you want me to run you a bath ? “ Tyler asked and Josh looked up at him, eyes still frightened, but with familiar softness of cotton candy in them.

“ Yeah “ he answers, but quickly adds “ B-but it really is t-too early and you should s-sleep. The b-bath can wait until m-morning “ which made Tyler’s heart clench with fondness and love for the boy who has been through so much but still puts everybody else first.  The fact that despite all of the torture and fear and misery Josh didn’t lose his kindness, he didn’t stop loving and respecting people made Tyler’s heart flutter with hope. 

Smiling, he sat up and pulled Josh into sitting position as well.

“ I’d love to give you a bath “ he said and saw Josh relax a little. “ I couldn’t sleep anyway “ he added and stretched his sore limbs. Thinking back at the last seven days, he has spent most of them in this bed.  Same went for Josh who slept through most of his days and didn’t speak the entire time. They needed to go out, Tyler decided. His friend needed to leave the house every once in a while, leave the bed at least and move around as much as his injuries allowed him. The doctor warned them that the less Josh moved the slower his recovery would be. He needed to think of a way to sneak Josh outside , away from prying and eyes and greedy camera lenses.

“ I’ll be right back “  Tyler said and stood off the bed, heading for the bathroom to prepare the warm bath. He could use one too. The last time he showered was a few days ago and it was quick and effective rather than relaxing. Warm bath sounded absolutely amazing at the moment, but it wasn’t important what he wanted. This was about Josh, he was suffering and needed as much comfort as Tyler could possibly provide him.  With that in mind he filled the tub with hot water, squeezing some bathing soap inside that smelled like green tea and mint. It took him a while to get everything done and after turning on the heater in the bathroom to warm it up he went back to the bedroom to get Josh.

He made the mistake of opening the door too quickly or maybe a bit too loud which is something he refrained himself from doing because it frightened Josh and threw him into self-defense mode.  Tyler only heard the dull thud of something hitting the carpet followed by shuffling before his brain caught up on the fact that Josh wasn’t on the bed anymore and it was his body that hit the floor seconds ago. Damn it, Tyler scolded himself quietly and stood still, afraid he’ll scare Josh further if he made any sudden moves. He knew that he should never open the door too loud or too fast, or rather not close the doors at all because they scared the living hell out of Josh. It seemed that he associated the opening doors with someone coming to take him and hurt him which is what happened every day for over 8 months.  That made over 200 days of someone walking in through the same door to torture him. No wonder doors freaked him the hell out.  

“ Josh ? “ Tyler settled on calling his friend’s name  first “ Josh, it’s me. Are you okay ? Can I come over ? “ he stood in his spot until he heard Josh say “ yeah” from underneath the bed.

Tyler moved slowly, dropping down to his knees when he neared the bed and crawled on all fours until he was eye level with the mattress.  Sinking down even lower he peeked under the bed to see two shining almond shaped eyes staring at him from the darkness.

“ I’m sorry I scared you, it’s just me “ Tyler said softly and saw the fear draining out of Josh’s eyes.

“S-sorry for freaking out “ Josh answered and Tyler could swear he saw him blush in the darkness.

“ I really shouldn’t have closed the door. Super stupid of me to forget that “  Tyler said and stretched his hand towards Josh “ The water is getting cold, let’s get you out of there “ it’s always mystery to the singer how in the world Josh managed to get under the bed so quickly with all of the pain in his back and shoulders. Getting him out of there is always a struggle , because the fear-induced adrenaline has worn by then and moving around gets more painful.

With Tyler’s help Josh is out from underneath the bed, kneeling on the ground and breathing rapidly. The brunette goes for the wheelchair parked near the door, but Josh interrupts him

“ No, j-just help me up, Ty, I wanna walk” and Tyler complies , helping his friend get off the floor, then looping his hand under Josh’s left arm and lets the drummer lean on him. They walk slowly to the bathroom, Josh keeping quiet despite his obvious discomfort while Tyler shoots him worried glances every once in a while.

When they made it to the bathroom the room was filled with the calming scent of mint and green tea while the water was still steaming.  Tyler let Josh lean on the bath tub while he got the towels and fresh clothes ready.

“Aren’t you gonna g-get in ? “Josh asked, still a little breathless form walking.

“ Um .. with you ? “ Tyler asked a little taken aback

“ I m-mean if you don’t find it w-eird, cause if you d-do you don’t h-have to, I just s-suggested it “ he finished and blushed in soft red color. Tyler wanted to kick himself for making this weird. It has never been weird between them and they’ve taken showers and baths together many times. He had absolutely no problem with this, but thought that his friend might not feel comfortable. Well obviously he was wrong.

“ No, no actually I was afraid you wouldn’t feel too comfortable. I totally am so if you are too we can stop talking about it and just take the bath “ Tyler finished and Josh grinned, a row of white straight teeth flashing for a second.

“ Yeah, let’s bathe “ Josh confirmed and unbuttoned his shirt, fiddling with  the buttons for a little bit longer than needed.

“ I can turn around “ Tyler suggested, seeing that Josh was struggling with taking his shirt off in front of him.

“I – ugh, n-no I just feel like ..  r-really hideous and-and I d-don’t want to upset you “  the drummer stuttered and kept fiddling with the last two buttons, as if he waited for Tyler to tell him to undress before he took his clothes off.  It felt so wrong, the way Josh couldn’t even take his shirt off without feeling vulnerable and exposed as well as reminded of the things that has been done to him.

“ Don’t mind me “ Tyler said and took his own shirt off, trying to act it off even though inside his heart was ripped apart “ I wouldn’t care if you grew a layer of scales, okay ? “ he said and Josh snorted, smiling a little.

“ Just s-scars, no scales “ he joked and let the shirt fall off his slender shoulders.  Tyler has seen him shirtless many times, probably hundreds, but God it still hurt like hell looking at the damaged and scarred skin . He couldn’t help but wince and close his eyes to collect himself for a moment, trying to erase the memories of watching Josh being beaten and stripped off his skin on that awful video. Tyler’s eyes wandered to his thighs  where the beating he witnesses was the worst and saw thick and deep scars scattered all over the tender flesh.  Josh hesitated for a moment before taking off his underwear but still did it, stepping out of his briefs and leaving them in the hamper. His hips were covered in burn marks that went down lower , way lower than Tyler had the heart to look.

His eyes only lingered for a couple of seconds before he moved to help Josh lower himself into the tub, but it left a very bitter taste in his mouth. It physically pained him to see all the evidence of torture Josh carried around and will probably have to carry around for the rest of his life.

“Told y-you it’d upset you “ Josh said quietly after setting down at one of the tub’s ends.  Tyler got undressed himself and sat at the opposite side, the hot water instantly bringing relaxation to his tense muscles.

“I’m not upset “ Tyler muttered “ I  mean I am angry, because I couldn’t protect you from this and couldn’t help you when you were getting hurt , but  …. You don’t have to hide in front of me all the time “ Tyler struggled to form his sentences, finding it difficult to explain how he felt. “ I mean I will love you no matter how you look or how you speak or even if you don’t speak it’s totally fine with me “ Josh was looking down, not meeting Tyler’s worried gaze while he spoke.

“ I d-don’t want anyone to see me “ Josh admitted, still avoiding Tyler’s eyes “ I h-hate how exposed that makes m-me feel. L-like everyone who looks at m-me knows what I’ve been through and how d-disgusting I am … “

“ Josh you’re not disgusting. Just because you were treated badly doesn’t make you a bad person “ Tyler felt angry again, because how in the world can someone treat someone so badly to make them believe they are disgusting “ The people who did this to you, they are disgusting. You’re a survivor and there’s nothing bad or wrong about that “  Josh has pulled his knees close to his chest and looked uncomfortable in this position, probably because of his back hurting a lot.

“ I d-did awful things too “ Josh said quietly  and ran a wet hand through his purple hair, matting it to his forehead.  Tyler couldn’t stop wondering how could Josh look so innocent after all of that shit.

“ You were forced to do it “ the singer countered him

“ Yeah b-but I could choose n-not to do it. Sometimes they threatened t-to hurt the other person w-worse if I … If .. If _I_ refused to h-hurt them . I denied in the b-beginning and people d-died because of that “  His hand now moved from his hair to his eyes, rubbing the tears that collected there away “ People d-died because of me, Tyler. They killed t-them in front of me and I c-couldn’t do anything “ Josh’s voice became thinner and higher as he grew more upset “ I couldn’t do anything. I j-just lay there and – and I … I c-couldn’t do anything “ he kept rubbing his closed eyes, probably focused on not breaking down or dissolving into a sobbing mess.

Tyler didn’t know what to say.  Seeing someone die must’ve been its own little hell in which Josh had to love constantly. Carrying the burden of guilt for somebody’s death was a whole new level of hell. Tyler couldn’t imagine it. His brain couldn’t even wrap around the idea of feeling responsible for somebody’s suffering or death. His poor friend.

“ Turn around so I can wash your hair “ Tyler said quietly and Josh complied, shuffling in the narrow tub to turn his back to Tyler. The singer moved as close to this friend as he could and reached for the soap.

“ You know, I think there’s a reason for you to survive all of that “ Tyler said as he started washing Josh’s back, running the soap over thick whip scars “ There has to be a reason for you to make it out alive despite how terribly you were treated. Maybe you were meant to do something great, something that no one else could. “ Tyler ran a shaky finger over one particular scar that didn’t look like it’ been made by whip , but more like a burn “ What’s this from ? “ He asked and Josh shifted in his spot a little.

“ Molten plastic “ Josh answered and shuddered, the memory of getting this scar running through him like a jolt of electricity. “ T-they melt the plastic and d-drip it on your s-skin. It burns like h-hell and then hurts even m-more when starts drying on y-your skin “  Tyler noticed there were more scars like this one, round and dark but most of them were smaller. They  melted his skin with fucking plastic.  What kind of animals would do that ?

 “Is it okay if I ask you stuff like this ? “ Tyler wondered out loud, because it felt like he was digging in Josh’s wounds by bringing up how he got the scars “ I mean I know it must be very difficult talking about  it and I just … I just don’t want you to hurt even more. “ 

“ I c-can’t promise you I’l be able to answer all of your q-questions, but .. yeah .. if there’s like .. something you want t-to know you can ask me “ Josh stammered and Tyler knew him enough to feel the fear and vulnerability behind his wavering voice. He would answer Tyler’s questions, but it wouldn’t be because he feels comfortable talking about what he’s been through, but because he wanted to make Tyler happy. He would do it for him.

“ No, I mean I’m not gonna ask you invasive questions , I just … I look at you and sometimes I just need to know. It bothers me that I don’t know anything about what .. happened to you.”

“ Why w-would you want to know ? I m-mean  isn’t it easier t-to not know ? “ Josh asked and relaxed his head into Tyler’s massaging hands.

“ Maybe it is, but … I don’t know, maybe I feel like I can understand you better if I know what you experienced. And I also think it will benefit you too. You know, opening up to someone “ Tyler felt like he’s going too far , like he’s asking too much and being selfish by pushing Josh to talk about things that still hurt.

“What d-do you want to know ? “  Josh asked and sounded a little choked up

“ What did you miss the most back in there ? Give me three things “

“ You “ Josh answered simply and sighted “ I’ve missed you all t-the time “ this makes Tyler lean in and kiss the wet pink hair in front of him

“What else ?” Tyler asked and rubbed shampoo into the drummer’s scalp

“ Music.  I’ve m-missed p-playing music and listening t-to it “  the singer hummed, because this is exactly how he would feel if he was locked away somewhere . He would miss Josh and music , the two most important things in his life. And Jenna, he’d miss her terribly.  “ At one p-point I was forgetting my favorite l-lyrics from songs I k-knew for years. T-that was pretty scary.”  Josh’s body once again shuddered and trembled with the unpleasant memories.

“ Sunsets. T-the sky as overall. T-there were no windows in m-my cell so I couldn’t see t-the outside world. After a w-while it stopped existing for me. T-there was nothing b-besides the four w-walls and the c-concrete floor “ Josh sounded sad, like he lost something he loved a lot. Tyler rinsed his hair in silence while still thinking about what Josh told him. It must’ve been terribly lonely in there. Spending such a long time in complete solitude and without any human closeness sounded like a torture. Adding the constant physical abuse, lack of hope to escape, fear of death and violence and putting other people’s deaths on top of it made the whole experience sound absolutely inhuman. The trauma was probably beyond fixing, but Tyler still held on to the hope that with enough love and care Josh would begin  feel a little less raw, a little less like an open wound. It would probably take a lot more time,  a lot more nightmares and breakdowns to get to that point, but hell Tyler had hope and he was determined to hold on to it until the very end.

They bathed until the water went cool and didn’t talk much , but Tyler felt strangely content being quiet. He knew that Josh was slowly getting more comfortable with talking about what happened, even thought it was still painful and brought back bad memories. He wanted to ask a lot of questions, but of course patience was very important so he didn’t rush things.

When they finally finished washing themselves and drying off, Tyler went to the kitchen to make them coffee , sitting Josh on one of the chairs while he was busy preparing the beverages. Josh sat there quietly, a distant look on his face telling the singer that he was somewhere else, maybe relieving something Tyler reminded him of with his questions.  

“ Josh ? “ he said and the other man looked up , drawn out of his little world. His eyes looked so tired Tyler wanted to take his friend back to bed and give him some sleeping pills so he could have some rest. But another plan has formed in his head when he listened to Josh talk about missing the sun and the sky. That’s why he picked up the blanket he’d left on the kitchen sofa and draped it over Josh’s shoulders, the other man looking up at him with curiosity  “ Do you wanna go out on the balcony ? I think that the sun is about to raise “ he said and saw Josh’s eyes fill with  warmth, pushing the lingering fear away for a bit.

“ Yeah, I’d r-really like that “ he answered and smiled, one of those private honest kinds of smile he would give Tyler all the time, before all of this mess happened. It had nothing to do with the smile Josh would put on these days, the one masking the pain and the guilt he felt.  It was bright and warm and Tyler couldn’t help but hug Josh, or rather hug his head, pressing it to his own chest because the drummer was sitting eye level with it.

“C-could you bring my beanie ? “  Josh asked after Tyler released his head

“ Sure, I’’ll be right back with it “ he went quickly to the bedroom and brought both the beanie and the wheelchair along.

“ I’ll wheel you outside , you’re probably tired “ he announced upon entering the kitchen and Josh smiled tiredly at him

“ Okay “

Josh sank into the wheelchair, being helped by Tyler’s steady hands and gripped the warm coffee cup in both hands. Tyler had his own coffee in one hand and pushed the wheelchair with the other, taking Josh outside on the big balcony where the sky was still mostly dark, but somewhere on the horizon light was beginning to paint thin lines of color.

The blanket was a good idea, because the air was still cold outside  and they were both freshly out of warm bath.  Tyler had his ukulele propped in his lap while Hope was snoozing in Josh’s.  The sky still had stars sparkling brightly , although their light was already fading, giving way to the rising sun. There was no wind. No sound. Even the birds seemed to stop singing to watch the sky being painted with multitude of colors and lights.  Josh leaned his head on Tyler’s shoulder, beanie already pulled on with a couple of stray strands of pink that always seemed to find a way to escape.

“ I’ve b-been dreaming about this f-for months “ Josh finally broke the silence with his slightly raspy, slightly sad voice. “ J-just to see the sun rise one more t-time. It s-seems like such a simple wish, like I could’ve d-dreamed of something b-bigger but … t-this right here. “ Josh stopped talking to swallow what seemed like a lump in his throat “ I’ve s-seen it in m-my dreams h-hundreds of times”

Tyler could barely cover his face before the tears came rushing out of his eyes, hot and bitter sliding down his unshaven cheeks. His entire life was now narrowed to  one thing - helping Josh make it through the day. He didn’t have any dreams beyond that  , he didn’t wish for much more. Every sunrise was a success. It felt like victory, having Josh’s head on his shoulder , watching the first rays of sun touch the sky ,  painting it gold.

“ Play me s-something ? “ Josh asked , his voice slightly muffled by the fabric of Tyler’s shirt “ I r-really want to feel t-this moment “ he added and Tyler knew exactly what Josh was talking about.  He also knew which song to play and picking up the ukulele he played something he hasn’t In a very long while.

_“_ _Now the night is coming to an end  
The sun will rise and we will try again_

_Stay alive, stay alive for me_  
You will die, but now your life is free  
Take pride in what is sure to die _“_

It felt like he wrote this song just for this moment, all of those years ago without knowing it.  The sunrise was so much like hope – it was bright and carried the promise of something beautiful happening someday. Maybe not today or tomorrow or next month, but one day. One day there would be truce.

_“There was never a night or a problem that could defeat sunrise or hope “_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this was okay. I listened to Truce and thought how much it resonates with the way my story is going. I'd love to know what you think as well, your feed back is SO much help when I sit down to write every chapter. 
> 
> I will say this again and probably repeat myself but The Clique has been such a huge support and a safe place for me I can never express my full gratitude. You guys are all awesome, kind, talented and spiritual and i'm so happy to be a part of this fandom. |-/


	36. No one else is dealing with your demons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "There is no greater agony, than bearing an untold story inside of you”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay first of all - THIS STORY HAS OVER 400 KUDOS AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF LIKE ???????????????????????????????????
> 
> I'm gonna go scream off some rooftop or something while you read this angsty chapter.
> 
> *trigger warning for violence* there are a couple of flashbacks which are marked with italic fornt. If you're disturbed by violence , torture and blood please skip those. If you're not - enjoy :))
> 
> Also a HUGE apology for the grammar mistakes I frequently make. I'm just really tired and English is not my first language so eya

 

 

Josh was walking a thin line between reality and haunting memories that made him anxious most of the time and exhausted him , forcing his brain to be conscious about every single move he made. Sometimes it was difficult to tell visions from real things and he heard noises he  _knew_  they weren’t real and tried not to act upon them. But that was more difficult said than done, when someone was screaming their head off while Josh was trying to rest or talk to Tyler or when he could feel cold heavy steel circling his wrists and neck when he  _knew_  it wasn’t actually there.  He remembered faces of people he encountered back in the camp, some of them belonged to other victims, of other captives and others belonged to the people who tortured him.  It wasn’t rare for him to watch TV and see someone who resembled a familiar face of a person who hurt him , sending him into a panic attack or a vomiting fit. His body always responded in similar fashion to negative emotions by either crying or throwing up. Sometimes both.

Josh was getting better, no matter how slow or painful the process he was crawling out of the helpless condition he has been stuck in for months on end.  Physical therapy was paying off and Josh could walk on crouches most of the time, except for times when his body decided it didn’t want to function and simply switched off, forcing Josh to stay in bed all day and move around in his wheelchair. There wasn’t a pattern or a reason for these episodes to happen, they just did and both Josh and Tyler had to deal with them.

His back was hurting a lot, but that pain became a part of him, something he expected every morning when he woke up. The pain meds only helped to one point, only dulled it so it would be bearable, but it still pierced him whenever he wasn’t slow enough or careful enough. His shoulders didn’t hurt that much, but the stiffness and soreness never really went away. He felt like he has been taken apart and then put back together, but in a wrong way. Lifting his hands higher than his chest level was pretty much impossible with the way his bones and joints rubbed against each other. Josh still tried though, he still did his best to follow every direction the therapist was giving him, even if it hurt or made him sore for the rest of the day. 

Josh even started going online, checking his instagram and twitter and even answering a couple of tweets.  People went crazy when they saw he was online so he had to stay away from social media for a few days to avoid panic and bad anxiety attacks. Most of the reaction was good, people sent him wishes to get well and recover quickly, but there were still articles that hurt reading and there were still videos going around that made Josh want to crawl in a corner and never get out of there.

He saw psychiatrist two times a week which was a whole new level of stress for Josh who still didn’t feel comfortable talking about the painful things he experienced.  The woman – dr. Stone was very patient and kind and made Josh feel pretty safe around her. They talked about a lot of things aside from the horrible 8 months he had to endure in captivity and he honestly liked her. She was in her mid-40’s  , with two kids that she took care of herself after her husband passed away from incurable form of cancer. She often shared personal things with Josh, to make him feel comfortable sharing his own personal experiences which wasn’t easy at all. Whenever he decided to open up about something that gave him nightmares or still scared him to even think about , his throat would close up on itself and his stomach twisted with the need to throw up right there and then.

He even vomited on the floor once, not being quick enough to predict his sickness and ended up throwing up all over the carpet in front of his bed. From then on there was a bucket standing by his bed or the couch, depending on where their meetings took place – in the bedroom if Josh was too tired or the living room If he felt better and sitting wasn’t an issue.

Sometimes after sessions he would go quiet and wouldn’t talk to anyone, not because he didn’t want to, but his body didn’t seem to be able to. It was difficult to explain why he couldn’t speak, but it felt like his brain had this defensive mechanism that would easily get triggered when Josh got upset or felt threatened.  That would make communication with the rest of the world difficult and sometimes confusing to other people. Especially when he would just shut up in the middle of a sentence and stopped talking completely, sometimes for the rest of the day and other times for longer.

Tyler was the only person who didn’t find it confusing or frustrating. He grew accustomed to Josh’s constant changes quickly and always seemed to be able to predict when the drummer was about to have an episode or a breakdown.  They’ve been friends for years and the connection they’ve developed only grew stronger during the months of slow and difficult recovery, making Tyler one of the few constant things in Josh’s life.  His friend was always there, no matter how difficult it was for him to be there , he never turned away , never left, never even wavered. Even when Josh admitted to killing a person, Tyler still stuck to his side. He never blamed Josh, never made him feel like a murderer or a criminal.  And Josh knew, that no matter what happened his best friend would always be by his side.  And that meant a lot to Josh, who was grasping to every little straw he could find that could keep him grounded or made him feel safe.

That had its downside though because whenever Tyler had to leave Josh’s side for one reason or another, the drummer’s anxiety flared up and made him feel terribly vulnerable and anxious. He got so used to his constant attention and support, without them his nightmares got worse and the voices in his head got louder.  He didn’t voice any of those things to Tyler, afraid that his friend will completely refuse to leave the house and have any sort of personal life. That’s the last thing Josh wanted, because he already felt guilty from how much personal life and personal space Tyler has sacrificed in the name of being close to Josh.

Jenna was usually the one doing the groceries and Mark was running other errands, buying pills and taking care of paperwork so Tyler wouldn’t have to leave Josh for long. And still, there were times when the singer had to leave the house and those were the worst hours of Josh’s life.

Tyler was only gone for about 30 minutes , but he felt like he’s been stuck there all alone forever. Is Tyler coming back ? Maybe he’ll remember what it’s like to actually have a life and won’t even consider coming back to that house to be stuck with his wreck of a friend.   _No, no no Tyler wouldn’t do that_. He’s a good friend, hell he’s the best fucking friend that exists in the Universe and those thoughts sounded ridiculous flowing through his brain. But Tyler was still a human.  A human with needs and wishes and dreams. He had a wife. He had a life.  Josh was a burden, weighting him down, stopping him from living, pulling him into darkness and depression.  _No, no , stop thinking that, stop it ,_  Josh scolded himself and scratched at his arms, a habit he’s adopted recently to distract himself from bad thoughts.  There were still fading lines there from yesterday, when he scratched his skin raw after remembering something particularly unpleasant. The pain brought him back to reality and pulled him out of his memory which worked most times but not always.

Something was buzzing nearby, a soft but distinctive sound rattling the silence and  slowly driving Josh into madness. His body remembered a similar buzzing sound he’d hear quite often while being held captive, the sound of electricity running free and threatening to land on his skin any second.  His body remembered the fear and the pain that followed, every buzz meant a surge of unbearable pain that would scorch his skin and mark it with no mercy. God, his skin was tingling, almost feeling the initial heat that turned into fire and then hit his nerves with such force it would make his entire body shake and spasm.

 _It’s just a buzz, Josh, breathe deep. It’s nothing that can harm you, just take deep breaths._   _Take deep breaths._  But he can’t. He can’t. He can’t breathe. It keeps buzzing _. He can’t breathe._

_It’s the zipping sound of electric current that brings Josh back from his half unconscious state with a powerful rush of fear that makes his body jerk and eyes fly open. His hands are stretched above his head and shackled to the chain hanging from the low ceiling, deepening the pain in his recently dislocated shoulders. The strain makes him groan and forces his body to stand on tiptoes to relieve some of the agonizing pressure on the damaged joints, but the way he’s bound doesn’t allow him that freedom. His feet are bleeding from the beating they received just recently, before he passed out and ended up suspended on his aching arms. The blood is warm on his soles and makes his toes slip on the concrete where the liquid is slowly tickling away. The pain where the lashes have broken the skin is intense and mixing with the one in his shoulders creates one unbearable ache that clouds Josh’s vision and almost pulls him back into unconsciousness._

 

 _Then the buzz of the cattle prod rings through the silence again and makes his over worked and over loaded with pain body jerk with panic. This is one of the things he hates the most, not that any of the tortures he endures here is painless or any_   _more_   _bearable, but being hit with electricity is the worst thing for Josh. The pain hits his nerves and sets them on fire, the current not strong enough to bring any real damage but definitely enough to hurt a lot. And the worst part for Josh is that he can’t pass out from it and has to endure everything, which sometimes goes on for hours._

 _His breathing picks up when he feels the sharp end of the cattle prod touch his bare shoulder, making his body move forward_   _to escape the pain that would follow once the current jumps to live and hits his flesh._

 

_“ Please” Josh says breathless, fear shaking his body before the electricity had the chance “ Please, don’t, don’t , I’m begging you …”  the vicious tool moves lower, slides down his cool skin and stops right under his ribs. Then the electricity hits him._

 

_Josh howls, entire body lurching forward out of instinct, desperately trying to escape the pain from being electrocuted. It only lasts a couple of seconds but to Josh it feels like someone just fried his nerves right under his skin._

 

_He’s shaking even harder now, when his skin got a taste of what’s coming and desperately didn’t want to feel that again. The prod’s end is poking into his stomach now and Josh begs again “ Please, please, I’ll do anything, please do-“ but the current hits him so hard he shrieks before he could finish the sentence. The buzzing sound doesn’t stop for a couple of seconds and Josh swears he’s going to pass out if the pain doesn’t end within the next couple of seconds. The cattle prod doesn’t buzz anymore, but the pain is still raw and pulsing in his stomach where the electricity hit him dead on._

_When the tool moves even lower , right above his groin Josh’s eyes fly open and he shakes his head, looking straight into the eyes of the person who holds the prod. There isn’t a drop of mercy in those eyes, no sign of weakness or sympathy. Just pure hatred and disgust. The man smiles._

_Pain rattles his body once again, making Josh scream out and pull on his restrained hands which only serves to add more pain to his shoulders. He’s feeling so helpless, so weak and out of control it brings tears to his eyes. Josh feels the prod moving lower and starts kicking out with his legs when it touches his groin. The pain is so unbearable he screams at the top of his lungs and jerks so hard in his restrains the chain above his head rattles loudly and screeches from the strain._

_He’s sobbing by the time the current stops hitting him, letting go of whatever pride he’s been holding onto, replaced with fear and humiliation. There’s something warm tickling down his legs and Josh freezes for a moment, pain hazed brain too slow to catch up with what is happening. His first thought is blood , but then … oh God. It’s not blood, it can’t be because of the sharp salty smell of urine that fills the room and makes Josh cry even harder. He’d never felt so humiliated in his life._

 

_His thighs are next to be tortured, the wetness there conducting the electricity and sending Josh into another jerking and screaming fit. The cattle prod slides up and down his inner thighs while someone is holding his hips still so he can’t escape the pain somehow. It doesn’t stop, doesn’t relent or ease up and he’s pretty sure he’s going to pass out or piss himself again if it doesn’t stop soon._

_Somehow he does slip away for a moment, a blissful moment of silence and peace before a slap to the face brings him back to the dark cell where his body is being taken apart piece by piece. He’s being grabbed from behind and steadied while the man holding the cattle prod lifts Josh’s left foot and smirks at the bloodied sight there. The wounds are deep enough for the man to shove the sharp end of the prod into one of them and turn the electricity on , making Josh yell out loud enough to hurt his own throat._

_“ Please, please, no NO “ he hears himself scream, but doesn’t remember opening his mouth or forming the words in his head. They fly out on their own accord, a mix of “please” and “no “ and “stop” that doesn’t end until the electricity stops running after what seems like a lifetime._

_His other foot is treated the same way and Josh does all he can to think of something else, to focus on something good and happy and safe._

_Tyler is there for him. Tyler is always there when Josh needs him, he’s home to Josh, he’s the only safe place for him on this planet. It’s Tyler._

_“T-tyler” he calls out, voice hoarse and raspy “ Ty, Tyler, Tyler , Tyler, please please_   _“ he’s babbling and the pain in his body slowly starts fading, and feels so far away,  it thrums underneath his skin instead of raging like fire. Josh struggles to get himself free, feels his arms moving, feels his knees giving and folding underneath and he’s falling, falling .._

The ground isn’t concrete, it’s not cold and hard, but carpeted and warm but the fall is still painful and leaves Josh breathless. There are a couple of blood chilling seconds when Josh expected someone to hit him, to kick him down on the ground and beat him until he couldn’t see straight so his body reacted, folding in on itself in an attempt to protect the most vital organs.  He could feel his body shake, muscles tense in expectation and heart hammering in his chest so hard it might jump right through his slightly opened mouth.

 He lay there for a couple of moments, before opening his eyes, seeing the window near him, the light that seeped through it where the curtains allowed it.  There wasn’t any light in his cell, never, except for the single light bulb so the brightness settled him a little, made him feel a little bit safer. His bed was right next to him and he must’ve fallen down while attempting to escape from the pain that rattled his body so viciously … God it was just a dream, just a memory but his body remembered the pain so well he could literally feel it all over again just like he did months ago. With trembling fingers he lifted his shirt and scanned the burn marks on his hips and waistline. There were matching ones on his thighs too and other places he didn’t want to think about at the moment.

Josh touched one of the marks close to his hipbone with shaking fingers and traced it , feeling the roughness of the once burned and now dead skin underneath his fingertip.  It didn’t hurt, not the skin itself since it was dead, but the pain of the experience was so fresh it stabbed Josh in the stomach and made him want to throw up. His body was sweating and shaking, breath uneven and raspy coming out of his throat. He needed something. He needed to cry and scream and ask why ? Why on Earth was this happening to him ? Why after so many months of nothing but being loved and taken care of he was still in so much pain ? Wasn’t it enough that all of this happened to him that now he had to suffer through it all over again ? Of course the tears came and the anger and loathing came along with them, staining his shirt and tearing his heart into pieces. He hated himself, hated how weak he was, hated how much of a burden he was, hated how he couldn’t get passed everything that happened and just fucking move on. It would be so easy if he just died in there, so much less painful and difficult.  He wished he was dead. Dead people can’t have nightmares and panic attacks and flashback. They don’t have feelings and that’s exactly what Josh wanted the most right now, not to feel.

Suddenly terrified of his own thoughts Josh dragged himself to the nightstand by his bed and blindly searched for his phone, scared that he’ll do something stupid if he didn’t talk to someone right now. Going to his emergency numbers Josh scrolled down, hands shaking too hard to type any digits on his own and eyes clouded with tears and unseeing.  At his panicked state he didn’t care who he called,  it was enough to hear a familiar voice to stop himself from doing something he will definitely regret.

Josh curled up in a ball on the ground and waited for whoever he called to pick up, counting his breaths in the meantime. For a couple of seconds nobody picked up and Josh was scared that he will be once again all alone with his fears and nightmares to be torn apart and eaten alive.  Then, a female voice Josh didn’t recognize picked up and his breath got stuck in his throat.

“ You’ve reached Safe Horizon . We are victim assistance organization that helps survivors of abuse and violence “ Josh knew that Tyler has put a couple of hotline phone numbers into his phone just in case but he never actually considered calling one before. “ My name is Emily and I am a Safe Horizon volunteer. Are you in danger at the moment ? “ the female voice asked and reminded  Josh that he’s supposed to talk to the person on the other side. Struggling to form words at the moment he sniffled and pressed the phone closer to his ear. He couldn’t do it, he couldn’t talk to a complete stranger about something so private.

“ I – I’m n-not in danger “ he said quietly and closed his eyes “ I j-just had a n-nightmare an-and I – “ Josh had no idea how to explain how terrified he was, how close to hurting himself again he was.  His speech got even more difficult to understand when he was upset, making his stutter 10 times worse. He absolutely hated that.

“ Alright, I’m going to ask you to take deep breaths and count them with me, okay ? “ Emily said and Josh nodded to himself even though she couldn’t see him.  He drew in a breath, as deep as he could and released it, feeling his rabid heartbeat hammer in his chest

“One “ he whispered and Emily counted with him, encouraging him to keep breathing and keep counting.

“What’s your name , dear ? “ she asked when they counted to 10

“ Josh “ he answered and kept trying to breathe even though his lungs burned

“ It’s very nice to meet you , Josh. Are you feeling better? Can you breathe for me ? “ Josh drew in another breath and let it out, keeping his eyes closed and focusing on the softness of the carpet underneath his body.

“ Yeah, I t-think so,  t-thank you “ he said “ I-I’m s-sorry, I p-probably s-shouldn’t have c-called “ he stuttered out, feeling embarrassed about the fact that he can’t even control his own breathing and had to call someone else to help him

“ It’s perfectly fine, Josh, there’s nothing to apologize for. Now, do you want to tell me what made you so upset ? “ and no, Josh definitely didn’t want to talk about that, but maybe it would help. Maybe it would be easier to say it out loud when he wasn’t looking at the other person and the other person couldn’t see him.

“ I h-had a nightmare. Ab-bout something t-that happened to m-me a while ago “ he started and felt his entire body shake. He’s not going to cry, he’s  _not._  “ Months h-have passed since t-then b-but I can’t stop h-having these nightmares, I c-can’t g-get over it “ Josh gritted his teeth and rubbed his eyes with his free hand. Why is talking about it so difficult ? it’s over , it’s fucking over and it shouldn’t be so difficult .

“ Did someone hurt you ? It’s okay, this is completely anonymous and this conversation is between you and me. You can tell me anything, okay Josh ? “ puffing out short breaths of air Josh nodded and forced his mouth to work.

“ I w-was tortured “ the moment he said it a lump got stuck in his dry throat. “ I g-got kidnapped and t-tortured f-for months “ admitting that carried some kind of weight, like it made the things that happened to him even more real “ I-m.. I’m n-not okay, I c-can’t be okay after w-what they’ve done to me … I d-don’t want to l-live with this, I hate it, I h-hate my b-body, I hate myself I h-hate how weak  I am .. “ it hurt saying it out loud, but it also lifted the huge weight off his chest a little bit.

“ Josh, listen, it’s perfectly normal to feel guilty after experiencing something so traumatizing, but you should never forget that none of it was your fault. You were not given a choice when you got hurt. You can’t blame yourself for something that’s out of your control “ Emily said and this is exactly what his counselor dr. Stone has been telling him every time they had a session and Tyler, his best friend told him the same thing a hundred times as well.

“ Is it b-bad that I w-wish I was d-dead ? “ Josh asked and tried to push the suicidal thoughts out of his head.  _If you slit your throat this time instead of your wrists you’ll die in seconds. You won’t even have enough time to regret it._  But Tyler will have to find him  _again,_ covered in his own blood and dead.  _He has no clue what it’s like to live with this every day. You are the only one who knows and the only one who can decide whether you want to live with it tomorrow._

“ It’s okay , Josh. Even if you do, you are still alive and that means a lot. It means that you’re fighting which takes a lot of courage. “ Emily’s voice carries so much empathy Josh could tell she really means what she says. He guessed she’s a survivor herself, probably finding peace in helping others who went through something horrible, like her.

“ W-why does it still hurt ? “ it’s a stupid question, really. But he had to ask because it’s all he can think about .  _Why. Why me. Why is the pain still there? Why can’t I forgive myself? Why ?_  “ N-nobody’s hurting me an-nymore , b-but why does it s-still hurt s-so fucking much ?” his voice breaks and that’s all it takes for him to start crying, salty tears of helplessness warm on his face. He’s not chained and bound anymore but he still feels so helpless. 

“ Because you’re healing “ Emily said, her own voice wavering a little. Josh hated himself for making her upset. “And sometimes the healing process is even more painful than getting the wound itself. It’s because you’re fighting it. You’re fighting all the pain you feel inside “ all Josh can do is rub his eyes and sniffle into the phone, because words all of a sudden become nonexistent in his vocabulary. His brain is doing it again, its shutting his speech out, because the pain got too much and he doesn’t want to hurt anymore. Emily kept talking to him and he cried into the receiver, curled up in a ball on the ground until he heard footsteps and door being opened and closed.

Josh didn’t want to hang up on the girl without saying thank you or goodbye, but he couldn’t speak so he had to. He also didn’t want Tyler to see him like this so he shuffled into a sitting position and leaned his back against the wall, right next to the window and closed his eyes. Taking deep breaths he did all he could to calm himself down and realized that the conversation really did help him a little.  He wiped his eyes, smoothed his hair a little so Tyler couldn’t tell he’s been tugging on it too hard and pulled the sleeves of his shirt as low as he could to hide the angry red marks that covered his arms.

A moment later Tyler quietly and gently opened the door to his room, peeking inside and noticing Josh isn’t on the bed. He closed his eyes, hearing Tyler’s hesitant footsteps leading to the bed and near him slowly. His friend crouched next to him and sighted.

“ Josh ? Why are you down here ? “ he asked and Josh opened his puffy and no doubt red and swollen eyes and saw Tyler’s face fall and eyes fill with concern. “ Can’t talk ? “ he asked and Josh nodded. Instead of saying anything further, Tyler sat down next to him and leaned his head on Josh’s shoulder, sneaking one hand behind the drummer’s back to hug him.

“ Are you hungry ? “ Tyler asked after a while and Josh shook his head. He doubted he’d be able to keep anything down anyway “ Thirsty ? “ he shook his head again. He was tired. Bone deep, no sleep like a hindered year old man kind of tired. “ Well you should eat something because you’ve got pills to take and you know you can’t take them without having something in your stomach “ Josh could feel Tyler’s hand rubbing his back soothingly while he spoke.  “ Did you throw up today ? “ Josh nodded and shuddered , remembering the dream he had before he woke up this morning, sending him into a vomiting fit in the bathroom.

“ Right. I’m gonna go downstairs to make us something to eat “ Tyler announced , but Josh shook his head. His stomach was twisted with knots and eating right now sounded like a terrible idea. “ Listen, I know you’re not hungry , but you have to take your pills. Just a little bit okay ? Eat a few bites and keep me company , that’s all I’m asking for “ Josh sighted and nodded, because he couldn’t deny Tyler anything, especially not after all the effort his best friend has been putting into helping him get better.  “ Sweet “ Tyler smiled and kissed Josh’s temple quickly before getting up.

“ Do you need help getting up ? “ the singer once again  looked worried and Josh shook his head. He needed to get used to do things on his own, without other people’s help. He’s gotten way too dependent on that help and he didn’t like It at all.  “ Okay “ Tyler seemed to understand because despite his concern he didn’t press any further and went to the kitchen to prepare their lunch.

-

_He’s blindfolded, the thick material covering his eyes isn’t letting any light reach his eyes. It’s claustrophobic and terrifying, because being around these people was scary enough without having his vision taken away. He’s being lead somewhere, out of his cell and down some corridors, weak legs barely keeping up with the tempo his captors have set. There’s distinctive smell of uncleanliness  that fills the place they’ve taken him to, like it’s being inhabited by animals._

_A vicious bark confirms his thoughts and Josh recoils back, stumbles into the man who’s been walking behind him and almost ends up on the ground. There are dogs, it sounds like they are at least 10 and they are barking and growling in front of him and Josh is terrified, so terrified his heart beats 200 miles per hour. Are they going to leave him there for the dogs to tear apart ? Were they going to eat him alive ? His hands are being untied from behind his back and he instantly rubs his wrists, pressing his hands to his chest as if to protect himself. The blindfold is next, revealing a heart stopping sight._

_Josh is standing in the entry of what seems to be a massive dog’s den, something like a cell, but wider and a lot dirtier than his. There’s animal waste literally everywhere, covering the ground and making Josh want to throw up his insides. There are so many dogs, Josh can’t count how many but they look angry and aggressive, most of them huge and dangerous looking._

_Someone pushes Josh inside and locks the door behind him, leaving him alone with the angry animals. He throws himself at the door, desperately pulling at it, but it’s no use. It’s locked, leaving him trapped in the filthy cell fully of aggressive dogs. Josh stays frozen to his spot at the door and holds his breath, scared that if he makes any type of noise they will attack him. It smells so bad his vision blurs a little and his nose burns. How is he supposed to live here ? How is he supposed to survive ?_

_A particularly aggressive dog jumps at him and Josh screams, not knowing what else to do, but to curl himself into a ball and try to protect his head and stomach. The dog just keeps barking and he can smell the rotten breath close to his face, can feel the hot breath on his skin and the saliva that flies from its mouth. Pain ripples through his forearm and Josh is sure he’s going to die._

“ Josh ? “ dr .Stone’s voice sounds  close to him, but Josh doesn’t feel connected with his body. He’s aware of his rapid breathing and hammering heart, but other than that he doesn’t feel like he’s in the living room of Tyler’s house

" Josh ? Can you hear me  ?Tell me what you see " the voice sounds even closer now and Josh can feel the light touch on his shoulder. He flinches, opening his eyes to see a blur of colors and nothing more.  

_The dog is sinking its teeth in his flesh and Josh tries to pry his arm away but it only hurts worse and blood pours out of the wound. Other dogs seem to smell the blood and they crowd around him, growling , howling , with thick foam flying out of their mouths. It's all so terrifying Josh doesn't remember ever being so scared in his life. They are ready to tear him apart piece by piece, to drag his body around and chew his bones until there's nothing left of him._

He can tell they're hungry by the way some of them lap at the blood that has managed to drip down to the ground and underneath thick fur they are painfully skinny and underweight. They are being starved. On purpose Josh guesses and a flash of sympathy sparks in his terrified mind because he himself hasn't eaten anything in at least 4 days. For some reason it hurts his heart thinking about how badly these animals have been treated even though they are seconds away from tearing him into pieces. 

“ Josh you’re okay. Do you understand ? You’re in your home, sitting at the couch and there’s nothing threatening your life “ it’s dr. Stone again and Josh tries to force his mind to stay at the moment and process what her voice just told him.   **You’re safe, you’re safe, you’re safe** Josh chants to himself and feels the world spin around him.

_Scared and terribly tired Josh stops fighting and lets the big dog chew on his arm , letting out cries of pain and despair. Miraculously the big animal lets his arm go when he stops struggling and runs off , leaving the other dogs to lick at his wound and around the floor where blood has been spilled. The floor is dirty and freezing and Josh does his best to disconnect his body from his mind because if he thinks too much about the situation he’s trapped in he’s definitely going to lose his mind._

_The first night is terrifying and Josh spends it curled up in a ball in one of the corners, listening to the dogs growl at each other and fight. Some of them are badly injured and they whine and  groan in pain and others are already dead, scattered around the place and torn apart by other hungry dogs. It’s one huge nightmare and Josh feels terrified because he actually misses his old cell where he was crumpled and chained up but there were no dogs eating each other at least._

_J_ osh felt himself shake, could hear the hiccups leaving his throat but it all sounded so unfamiliar it couldn’t have belonged to him. He was babbling, something about dead dogs and cold floors but he couldn’t understand it himself.

“ Don’t be afraid , you’re safe now. These are only memories and they cannot hurt you “ dr. Stone said and Josh needed to hear that so badly “ They cannot harm you, Josh. Just keep breathing and let it all out “ Josh breathed, as best as he could and tried to exhale all of the terror that kept clouding his mind whenever he thought about the dogs and that God forsaken place.  “That’s it, you’re doing really great hun, you’re doing really good “ she praised him and Josh opened his eyes, his vision once again blurred but this time he could tell that he really was sitting in his living room, safe and sound.

“ Are you back with me ? “ Josh nodded, feeling the ache in his body and welcomed the pain because it meant that he wasn’t disconnected anymore.

“ Were the dogs biting you ? “ the doctor asked and Josh nodded again, swallowing the bile in his stomach that rose the second he thought about those dogs.

“ Do you need to throw up ? It’s okay, don’t worry if you need to, just go ahead “ he did want to , but his body didn’t agree. There was a burn in his stomach that made him sick, but not to the point of throwing up.

“ N-no, I j-just d-don’t want t-to talk about it anymore “ he muttered, because talking to the shrink about the first couple of weeks in captivity was the reason he was in this condition at the moment. She asked him what it was like getting used to his new life in the camp, how he was treated and stuff like that. It brought back an avalanche of unwanted memories of being humiliated and degraded in the worst possible ways in order to break his spirit.  He wouldn’t break though and spent weeks or maybe even months for all he knew holding on to the faint hope that someone will find him and rescue him. They tortured him until that hope withered away and turned into heart wrenching despair. His will to live was reduced to hoping that tomorrow won’t be as painful as the day before which was rarely the case. In the best cases Josh would slip into unconsciousness and spent blissful hours in unawareness of the horrors that his body was being put through.  The worst ones were when his brain refused to shut off and forced him to suffer through every hit , every jolt of electricity, every lash from a whip, every rape, every bruise, every twisted and vile thing these monsters could come up with. 

“ You did really well “ dr. Stone interrupted his thoughts and rubbed his shoulder soothingly  “ I do understand how hard this is for you. You’ve been through things that left deep physical scars as well as emotional wounds that take time to heal. “ Josh couldn’t look up, couldn’t bear to meet the doctor’s gaze and let her see just how deep those wounds were.  “ I know you don’t think that this will ever pass, but believe me, it will. Facing the pain is part of the healing process, Josh. Acknowledging the trauma you’ve suffered is a step you need to take in order to heal “ Josh felt his hands shake, his throat hurt and eyes water, the feeling of helplessness creeping up on him once again.  She said that talking about getting hurt and “letting it out” was going to help him heal but so far it has done nothing but push him further and further into depression and anxiety. Every time he had to relive something traumatic it felt like it was happening all over again, bringing back the same fear, the same pain and humiliation it has brought when it happened.  

Tired of holding back the tears that have been building for hours now,  Josh said he wanted to have some rest because his head hurts. Dr. Stone told him he did great and should have some rest, telling him she’ll be back tomorrow. Josh wanted to run away and never have to face another terrible memory again, but hiding and cowering wouldn’t help him get better either.

When she left, Josh walked back to his room as fast as he could on his crouches before Tyler or anyone else had the chance to ask how it went. He locked the door and shuffled down to the bathroom where everything that’s been piling up inside literally burst out all at once. Josh fell to his knees, giving in to the overwhelming need to just cry and weep like a child that he couldn’t resist anymore. Resting his head in both hands Josh kneeled on the bathroom floor and cried, cursing himself for being so weak, for being unable to move on and be strong like everyone expected him to.  He wasn’t crying because of something in particular, but everything just seemed so scary and terrible and hopeless he couldn’t help the sobs from leaving his throat. 

Josh threw up after a while, emptying his stomach from its contents and feeling painfully hallow, like his soul has abandoned his body . Why the hell would it want to stay in a wreck of a body like his anyway ? Why the hell would anyone stay around him when all he did was cry or throw up, turning into a pathetic sight to see.

It was already dark outside when the fragile voice of his best friend reached his ears and made his heart hurt from the guilt he felt. Knowing Tyler he has probably spent the last couple of hours outside Josh’s door, listening to him cry .

“ Josh ?” Tyler called out with uncertain voice, like he was scared that Josh will send him away. “Could you let me in ? I have to give you your pills “ of course the pills were only a premise for his friend to come in and check on him. “ Please, J ? “ Tyler was pleading and Josh didn’t know how his heart was still whole.

Rising slowly Josh remembered throwing his crouches somewhere in the bedroom earlier and regretted it, feeling unstable without their help. He leaned on the wall and supported himself on it, slowly moving towards the bedroom door and unlocking it.

Tyler’s eyes darkened with sadness when they landed on Josh and he must’ve been a real mess to draw such reaction.

“ Can I come in ? “ Tyler asked sheepishly and Josh could only nod before more tears flooded his vision and another fit of sobs escaped his sore throat. Before he knew it, he was in Tyler’s arms, shaking and crying again

“ I’m s-sorry Tyler “ he couldn’t help but apologize, heart aching with how badly he wanted to get better for his best friend , but couldn’t “ I’m s-sorry I can’t get b-better, I’m sorry “

“ No, Josh come on, don’t apologize for that “

“ I’m sorry I c-c-can’t get passed t-this and move on, I’m s-sorry , Ty, I r-really am trying “ once started he couldn’t stop crying , letting out everything that burned inside of him like a raging fire. Tyler cried with him and hugged him for a very long time until Jenna quietly called them for dinner.

“ You’re gonna be okay “ Tyler told him after they let go “ Josh, do you hear me ? This won’t last forever, it can’t “ his friend was talking with so much confidence Josh almost believed his words. “ It’s gonna be tough but nothing lasts forever, okay ? Not even the bad stuff”  Josh nodded and wiped wet face. “ You don’t ever have to apologize for this okay ? You’re dealing with it the way you’re dealing with it and that’s fine with me. Scream if you need to, cry if you need to, break the goddamn furniture in this house if you need to, it’s okay.  Just hold on for me , alright ? “

“ Okay Ty, I j-just feel l-like I should’ve b-been better b-by now. It d-doesn’t feel like I’m getting any b-better “

“ It will take time. And I don't care how long it takes, I just know it Josh, I know that you will get better " they hugged again and this time Josh didn't cry. He just leaned his face against Tyler's shoulder and enjoyed the comfort it gave him. Just knowing that Tyler was there, that he will be there no matter what happened and how his life turned out from then on. This shoulder was the only constant and certain thing in Josh's life and he knew he would always find comfort there, no matter how rough his life would become.

"T-thank you" Josh said and felt Tyler hug him even tighter " You're the b-best friend I c-could ever w-wish for " 

" Yeah, same right back at you " when Josh shook his head Tyler made him look up " Want me to tell you a secret ? I wouldn't trade this for anything else in the world. I know that you think you're burdening me or whatever , but I'm telling you right now and I really mean it - I wouldn't choose to be anywhere else in the world right now. Not on tour, not on vacation, not on stage, none of that matters to me right now. You matter to me. And I will be right here as long as you need me “

Josh stayed quiet, soaking up Tyler’s words in silence. These words meant so much to him he couldn’t possibly explain it to anyone ever.  

They sat at the table a little while later, joined by Jenna and Debby who brought Josh another beanie from her mom along with a tiny knitted sweater for Hope that made Josh giggle and smile so wide it almost split his face.  He went to find Hope, limping back with her cuddled in his arms and sat at the table with her in his lap, showing the kitten the new piece of clothing. Debby helped him dress Hope up while they ate and she purred and mewed happily at the attention she was getting.  It was an ordinary dinner but for some reason it made Josh so happy he almost cried. It was probably because he’d never noticed the small things that made him happy before, didn’t appreciate the little gifts life has been giving him and he was punished for it.   

His life was an endless mix of ups and downs making him feel nothing and everything at the same time. Some days he felt everything all at once, other days he felt nothing at all. He could never figure out what’s worse though – drowning beneath the waves or dying from the thirst. All he could do was live one day at a time and hope that the emptiness growing in his ribcage didn’t find roots there , because there’s nothing, absolutely nothing worse than the feeling of not existing while your heart is still beating.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Most of you probably hate my ass by now so feel free to yell at me. I keep re-reading your comments from the previous chapter and sometimes I literally live off your feedback so if you've left comments on my work you are my favorite person in the world and I love you.
> 
> In the meantime go check out the rest of my fics while I write my next chapter cough*shameless self promotion* cough


	37. I'm holding on to what I know, And what I know, I must let go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title taken from "Glowing eyes" by Twenty One pilots

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like a total dipcrap for making you guys wait so long for an update. I've had a lot going on these past few weeks, my health has gone to complete shit and I spent 5 days at the hospital getting tested and stuff. So yeah, I'm sorry updates has been slow and I promise to work harder for the next chapter. 
> 
> Anyways , thank you for sticking around. I see everyone who supports this through comments and encouragements and i can't ever thank you enough. I wrote this chapter keeping all of you in mind. 
> 
> * Trigger warnings for violence in the flashbacks*  
> Stay save guys. Love you all |-/

Josh didn’t know how this idea came to his mind, but as he browsed google for results his heart was beating so fast he could barely catch up with it.  He always wanted to know about the people who were locked up with him , about their life before they were captured , about their families and careers and hobbies. They were all human beings who had stories and it bothered Josh deeply that they died in there without anyone taking notice.  Hell most of them were probably still “missing” , never getting the chance to be mourned by their families and buried with respect and love. It bothered him all the time, day and night, thinking back at the time spent with those people in his cell, listening to them pray and cry and scream. He didn’t know names, but he’d seen them and remembered most of their faces. He could never forget even if he wanted to.

The thing was he didn’t want to forget, he didn’t want all those people to be forgotten when they deserved to be remembered. He was the one who survived, who made it and he felt like it was his responsibility to find who these people were and let the world know what happened to them. It felt like he had a mission, something that gave him reason to live and exist which to Josh was a lot. After spending months after months barely surviving and searching for some kind of purpose it felt like maybe he finally found it. 

It has always been difficult for the drummer to sit around and do nothing which is what he mostly did these days. Between physical therapy, appointments with his shrink and throwing his guts up for hours after they’re done he had plenty of free time.  He usually spent it with Tyler, listening to him sing and play the ukulele or piano or simply talk He’d never felt lonely in his best friend’s company , but the feeling of being utterly useless and worthless was worse than anything he experienced these days.

His eyes scanned the screen, looking closely at the pictures that popped there. His vision never recovered completely and was still pretty limited, forcing him to get as close to the pictures as possible , squinting his eyes in attempt to see better.  He searched for missing persons who worked or traveled to Syria in the recent few years, going through lists and lists of people who vanished while being on humanitarian missions or working as nurses and doctors on field. There were literally thousands of them, who never went home, never reached out to their families or their embassies. Simply disappeared.

Well Josh knew they truth, he knew that people didn’t just disappear, they were captured, held against their will, broken and then murdered in every inhuman way possible, leaving their families to suffer in the dark and not knowing where their loved ones were and if they were alive.  Same with his family, Josh bitterly thought while roaming through stories of reporters and peace fighters disappearing from the face of Earth. His parents must’ve been living in hell for whole 8 months which could’ve continued a lot longer if the camp wasn’t raided and he wasn’t saved. He could’ve died in there, hell he would’ve died in there if they held him for another week , or maybe even another day. And his story would be among all of these desperate pleas for help, for any sort of news or clues about these missing people.

Josh rubbed his eyes. They burned with tears and he didn’t want to cry now, not when he finally had something to give meaning to his existence.

He was here, he survived and now it was on him to find the people who didn’t and give their families the little comfort he could.  He could do this. He could.

A picture drew his attention and the moment he recognized the person smiling from it , the food from this morning made its way up his esophagus and made him spring from the bed to avoid throwing up all over the sheets. He knew this man, his face was burned into the backs of Josh’s eyelids and sometimes made him want to slit his own wrists with the kitchen knife.

_“Do you love playing games ? That’s all you Americans do, play games “ the voice made Josh shiver and cower away further into the wall behind him. His back was covered with lashes and they stung, being pressed against the moist wall. He felt the blood being smeared all over the concrete behind him, heard the pained cry that escaped his throat almost as if someone else have produced it. He knew full well that there was nowhere to run, no corner to hide into and no route to escape._

_The guard outside of his cell slowly circled around,  patting his palm with the metal bat he was holding in a tight grip. It promised broken bones._

_“Get up “ the man said and Josh felt the threat in his tone , despite its calmness.. He scrambled up to his knees, twisting his face from the fierce pain in his right knee that was no doubt broken. Struggling to straighten up himself he leaned on the blood stained wall and steadied himself, gritting his teeth against the unbearable pain that twisted his bones. He wasn’t even putting any weight on his hurt leg, but the agony was still unbearable._

_Someone was thrown against the bars of his cell, thudding loudly in the silence of his confinement and crying out in pain. Josh flinched and took a step back, groaning himself when pressure was put on his broken leg. It was a man, a young man who was beaten pretty badly and looked half conscious, face pressed to the metal bars, wearing an expression of desperation and pain._

_No, not another one, Josh thought, still catching his breath from panic and pain, not another person they will torture in front of him. He can’t stand hearing them cry and beg, his heart just won’t handle it. The man was being shackled to the bars , on his knees , with his back turned towards the smirking guard. Josh knew by the way their captor was swinging his bat and looked predatory that the bound man was about to get hurt. He wished that he was the one getting hurt instead of witnessing someone else’s pain. He wished he could help. He wished for so many things, but between those four walls no wishes ever came true._

_“ So the game we are going to play is pretty simple “The guard started with far too amused voice “ You will stand on one foot for let’s say … 10 seconds and for every time your other foot touches the ground he “ -   the guard pointed towards the shaking man on the ground, separated from Josh by a few feet “  - is going to get a hit with my bat._

_It would’ve been an easy game, really. If Josh wasn’t beat up to a bleeding pulp and barely keeping his balance on both legs. Remembering his broken knee, he felt a jolt of fear and nausea travel through his entire body. The guard didn’t mean just any leg. He wanted Josh to stand on his broken one. It brought tears to his eyes, imagining what the man with the metal rod will do to the captive on the ground and the desire to fall down to his knees and beg to take his place was all of a sudden overwhelming._

_“ The game starts now “ the guard said and Josh felt the panic rise all the way to his throat. The man on the ground was staring at him with pleading in his eyes that read absolute terror. Josh was terrified himself, having no clue how in the world was he going to stand whole 10 seconds on his broken leg._

_“ Which leg ? “ Josh asked with a broken and small voice, fear coiling deep in his gut._

_“ The right one “ the guard said with a leer, reading the pained expression on the drummer’s face.  “ Start now or I will beat him “.  he warned and Josh took a deep breath, steadying himself as best as he could considering the situation. He shot one last glance at the bound man, looking at him apologetically , hoping he would read it in his eyes, how terribly sorry he was for the situation and much he wanted to be in his place. The man looked back at him, whispering a tiny “please” which hurt a lot more than the ugly pain in his twisted knee._

Josh knew he was going into panic attack the moment that picture popped up on the screen of his laptop and brought an avalanche of unwanted memories along with the desperate need to throw up , clean himself off of those memories , peel the skin off his bones.

Heaving on the carpet Josh forced himself to take deep breaths, clearing his mind from the terrifying images of seeing someone being beaten to death and hearing the horrible gurgling noise before the last breathe left their lungs.  It was just a memory, something that couldn’t hurt him anymore, something that nobody else knew about and would never know unless he decided to speak up. That bothered him for some reason, instead of making him feel more calm and safe. It bothered him that something so inhuman happened, something so injustice and yet the world was blind to the man’s suffering and knew nothing about it. And if Josh died tomorrow, nobody would ever know how this man suffered, how he died and why. And he felt guilty, so terribly guilty it was eating him alive.

Josh sat up, wiping his face from any remains of vomit. Cursing himself quietly for staining the carpet again he drew a couple of deep breaths and promised himself he’ll clean his own mess this time. He was embarrassed about having Jenna to clean after him every single time he made a mess. They never let him do anything around the house.

Josh dragged himself up on the bed where the laptop was still laying open, the photograph that triggered his panic attack still staring back at him from the screen. The guy looked a little bit younger, not so sick and tortured as Josh remembered him.  Underneath the picture there was short information about him that said

Josef Kosacki

Age : 26 , born in Warsaw , Poland

Went missing on Demeber 12th, 2015 in Al Mnajeer , Southern Syria.

Was on a humanitarian mission with 5 other polish doctors.

Last seen : on Demeber 12th heading out to deliver medical supplies.

If anyone possesses any information about this person, please contact his family or the polish embassy in Damascus.

 

There were a couple of phone numbers left under the photo, presumably of his family members and Josh felt his entire body shiver all over.  He wanted to call his family so badly it almost hurt him to breathe. He wanted to tell them the truth, but at the same time the truth was so cruel he had no clue how to deliver it. What was he going to do ? Call the people out of nowhere and tell them that their son was dead ? Or even worse that he witnessed his death ? No, he didn’t just witness, he caused it, Josh reminded himself and felt his body curling on itself, shoulders hunching, back bending. He hugged his knees and squeezed his eyes, stoically bearing against the pain that uncurled from deep within his chest.  There was no way to fight this kind of pain, the only thing he could do was let it out, let it hurt and hold on to reality as best as he could.

_The agony that consumed his right leg when Josh tried putting his weight on it was so blinding he only had one second to scream out before his body hit the ground with a loud thump.  He didn’t even have the chance to try and stand on his leg, the pain too much and going straight to his brain, disarming him completely. The sound of metal hitting flesh hurt almost as much as his broken knee, screaming at him to get back up and try to do it again, do it right this time. The man on the ground let out a sharp cry of pain that went straight to Josh’s heart, making it clench with guilt and empathy._

_Josh scrambled up to his knees first groaning from the pain that followed them movement, then stood up, supporting himself on the wall next to him. This was absolutely impossible, Josh knew, nobody could stand 10 seconds on a broken leg. His captor just wanted to see him struggle, wanted to make sure that Josh didn’t live a second of his life guilt free.  Those people knew somehow, although it was probably not very difficult to tell, that Josh hated watching people get hurt more than getting hurt himself.  He couldn’t imagine anything worse than seeing an innocent person suffer for those monsters amusement, their screams scarring him for life. He knew._

_His next try wasn’t much more successful than the first one, or the dozen ones before.  The pain hit him like a wave of bricks, throwing him off his feet and onto the cold ground. He screamed out in frustration when another hit followed and the helplessness that filled his bones was worse than anything he’d ever experienced._

_“Please, please” he panted on the ground, hearing the hurt man cry and hiccup from the pain he just experienced. “ I can’t , I can’t do it , please, beat me instead, please, please,  don’t make me do this “ he knew that his begging was useless and it didn’t do much more than humiliate him further, but God he just couldn’t do it._

_“ No “ came the answer he feared “ Stand on your right leg for 10 seconds or I will beat him “ the guard said and raised the metal rod._

_“ I can’t “ he finally cried, feeling hot tears making their way down his cheeks. “ My leg is broken, I can’t stand, please , please I swear I can’t “ the guard hit his captive on the head in return, making Josh drop to his elbows on the ground, burying his head between his hands, quietly crying._

_The bound man started begging then, saying “please stand, please help me” , making Josh cry even harder.  Another hit followed when he couldn’t stand up, driving the drummer deeper into desperation._

_“I’m sorry “ Josh said through tears and forced himself to look up to the man who was now bleeding badly inside of Josh’s cell through the metal bars “ I’m so sorry, I just can’t “ he whispered and watched as the guard swung with full force, bringing his bat down on the man’s head, smacking it against the metal bars. The blood poured out like an opened faucet, making Josh want to throw up. There was a gurgling sound, like the man was gagging on the blood that poured out of his nose and mouth, suffocating him._

_Josh curled up into a right ball on the ground, scared he’ll lose his mind if this kept on going for much longer. “ **Coward coward coward coward”** a voice was chanting in his head, in unison with the sounds of beating that echoed in the empty room. **“You’re a coward , pathetic coward, pathetic little coward”** Josh kept repeating in his head, too terrified and disgusted to uncurl from his fetal position on the ground. The man was going to die because of him and all he could do was hide. Oh how pathetic._

Josh grabbed his cell phone before his brain could register what his hands were doing; frantic eyes memorizing the digits written on the screen and typing them down on the keyboard. His hands were shaking so hard he had to lean them on his bended knees for support, afraid he’ll drop the phone. He was still panting hard when his phone dialed the number and a woman picked up on the other side.

“ Hello ? “ it sounded a little bit weird , with a touch of some sort of accent “ Who is this? “ the woman seemed middle aged, with a low and serious sounding voice. Josh was at absolute loss of words, his mind going absolutely blank from fear and anxiety the moment he heard the woman answer the phone . “Hello ? Is anybody there ? “ she sounded worried and a little bit angry, which scared Josh even further. His voice was absolutely gone, along with his ability to communicate.

“ S-sorry “ he choked out and cut the line, dropping his phone on the bed, burying his face in his hands. This must’ve been Josef’s mother, probably still hoping in the deepest corners of her mother’s heart that her son was alive.  But he wasn’t. His body was probably fed to the dogs after he bled on the cell’s already bloody floor. _And he had to tell his mother this._

Josh jumped when his phone rang, the unknown number illuminating his phone screen. It was the number he just dialed and hung up on. He considered not picking up and letting this go, but the same voice whispered **_“You’re a coward , pathetic coward, pathetic little coward”_**  in his ear again and the desire to silence it overcame the fear of facing the terrible situation. He had to find the strength to do this, otherwise he’d probably regret it his entire life.

“ H-hello “ he said lamely and tried to will his voice not to shake so hard

“ You just called me from this number “ the woman was definitely polish, her accent thick and easily recognizable. “ Can I help you ? “

“I … yes “ Josh said and had no clue how to respond “ I-I .. my n-name is J-josh Dun “ he stuttered out, hoping that the woman has heard his name and won’t ask him who in the hell he was “ I-I’m sorry to b-bother you, b-but I just w-wanted to t-talk to you. Just for a m-minute “  his stutter almost disappeared when he was calm, but in situations like these, when his anxiety was bubbling up like a volcano it came back even worse. He couldn’t even get out a sentence that made sense.

“ Alright, go ahead “ the woman said, her voice softened by the nervousness that poured in waves from Josh’s voice and maybe by his stutter. “ What is it you want to talk about ?”

“ Your s-son “ Josh said and literally felt the woman’s eyes widen with shock. “ Josef, h-he’s your s-son right ? “ he asked when no answer came for a couple of seconds.

“ Do .. do you know something about my boy ? Is he alive ? Oh my God, oh Jesus from heaven “ the woman exclaimed and Josh felt his throat go dry and chest incredibly tight “ Please tell me you have information about him “

“ I… I w-was h-held captive at a c-c-apm in Syria “ he forced the words out like they were pieces of sharp glass, ready to cut “ Josef, h-he was … he was also a c-captive there “  his entire body was shaking, uncontrollable tremors running in his every muscle.

“ Captive ? “ the female voice sounded so shocked it made Josh close his eyes and prepare for the unanswerable questions.  “ Was he held by terrorists ? Oh Lord …. Marcel !! “ he called for someone , her voice shaking and unsteady “ Marcel, come here, oh Lord “

There was shuffling and whispering on the other side of the line before the woman spoke again.

“Please, please tell me what you know about our son. Is he alive ? “ and there it was, the question he dreaded the most. Delivering such news on the phone was a terrible idea, but he couldn’t keep the people waiting for them much longer.

“ I… I’m s-sorry ma’am “  Josh managed to say before his voice broke and turned into a sob “ I’m s-so s-sorry. I t-tried to h-help him, I s-swear I tried, b-but my l-leg was b-broken and I – I – “ no, he couldn’t do this, not now, not when the memory of hearing this man,  _this boy_ choke on his own blood to death. He couldn’t console his family, he couldn’t give them any peace or closure. His words will only wound them more, haunt them the way they haunted him.

“ Please, Josh, son … please tell us. Is he dead ? He’s been missing for a year, we’ve been hoping, but … please,  it’s better knowing the truth than to feed false hope “ the woman said through her own tears, determination visible in her voice. They had the right to know, they deserved to know what happened.

“ Y-yes, I’m s-sorry .. he d-died in f-front of me.. and .. I – I couldn’t help h-him “ his shirt was wet from the tears that ran down his face and dropped to his chest. The people on the other line were crying too. Josh felt the remains of his heart shatter.

“ Thank you for calling us, Josh, thank you for doing this.. it must be so hard for you, after everything you’ve been put through “ the woman said and Josh assumed they’ve read about him after all, or maybe even watched a video or two. That thought made his cheeks burn with shame.

“ N-no, don’t t-thank me,  I didn’t d-do anything, I  c-couldn’t save h-him “

“Oh my boy, my poor boy “ the woman chanted “ You are not God, my child, you cannot save everyone.. “ he couldn’t save _anyone_ Josh wanted to correct her. He didn’t save anyone from that hell. “ I was hoping someone would give us some kind of information, some kind of news.. good or bad, it’s better than living in the unknown”

“ Although I am sad and my heart is mourning my son’s death I feel relieved that I can finally bury him and send his soul to our Lord where he will rest in peace “  the woman said and Josh felt strangely relieved himself.  He expected a lot of things, but he didn’t expect Josef’s family to _thank him._

“I would like to invite you to Josef’s memorial service. If you are up to it of course, I wouldn’t mind if you couldn’t come “ she said with a shaky, but firm voice.  “ I would love to meet you, Josh, maybe we could talk more“ she suggested and Josh nodded to himself, thinking that yes, they deserved to know what happened more than anyone in the world.

“ T-thank you, I will try, I p-promise” his voice was still too thick from crying it was difficult to understand what he was saying. “ I’m s-so sorry for your l-loss, I r-really wish I c-could do something “ Josh said, feeling his heart slow down a little and his breaths coming easier.

“ Don’t worry about us, my boy. Take care of yourself and give yourself time to grief as well. I can imagine you have a lot of wounds to heal after what you’ve experienced. I will send you an invitation to Josef’s service when I know the date and I hope with all of my heart that you will make It there “

Josh tried to say something in return, but all that came out was a wet noise, ending with a choked out “thank you”. He was still holding onto the phone when the door was opened carefully and Tyler’s upper half appeared there.

“Bad timing ? “ his friend asked, concern written all over his face. Josh remembered that he was crying just a few minutes ago and his face must’ve been a real mess of tears and snot. “ Should I come back later ?”

“ N-no, come on in “ Josh answered and put the phone down on the bed. The picture was still opened on his laptop, the young man smiling brightly at them, absolutely unaware of what’s waiting for him somewhere down the line.

“ You okay ? “ Tyler asked, tone careful and a little apprehensive

“ I j-just … I c-called someone. “ it was a lame explanation and Tyler stayed quiet, probably waiting for Josh to elaborate. “ A v-victim’s family. S-someone who d-died b-back in captivity” Tyler’s eyes widened a little , his expression softening and eyes filling with sadness.

“Oh” the singer said and looked at the photograph “ Is that him ? “ he carefully asked and when Josh nodded he leaned in and wrapped one arm around Josh’s shoulder. He didn’t flinch, just tensed for a second, before the familiar warmth of his friend’s presence wrapped him up in an invisible blanket. “ That’s pretty brave of you “ Tyler said quietly and rubbed Josh’s back. “ I’m proud of you” Josh gave him the tiniest smile and leaned his head on Tyler’s shoulder.

“They’ve invited m-me to his m-memorial “ Josh said and swallowed thickly “ Will you c-come if I want t-to go ? “  he needed the reassurance right now, feeling vulnerable and strangely naked.

“Of course I’ll come, J . Just say the word and I’ll be there” Tyler said with  a firm voice and his grip became just a little bit tighter, just a little bit more protective around the drummer’s shoulder.

“Thanks “ Josh whispered.

“ Don’t mention it “ Tyler said back and kissed his temple. “ And right now I’ve got a surprise for you “ a smile appeared on his face and made him look like a little kid which was so adorable it made Josh smile too

“What ? W-what is it ? “ surprises usually didn’t sound too good for Josh, but this was his best friend, so it had to be a good one

“ Come downstairs and see yourself “ Tyler said playfully and giggled when Josh pouted “ It’s a surprise you dummy. How are you going to be surprised if I told you what it was “ he said and Josh let out a tiny laugh, shaking off the awful feelings that were weighting down on him just moments ago. He couldn’t believe how much Tyler affected him and the way he felt and thought when his friend was around.

Tyler darted out of the room seconds later, leaving Josh nervous and excited on his bed. He slowly closed his laptop and slid off the bed, feeling around for his crutches that he still used more often than not. After all the months of recovery, therapy and rest his feet still hurt when he put his entire weight on them. Crutches made it easier to walk around, taking some of his weight off his damaged soles and ease the pressure where it hurt most. When Tyler was around he leaned on him instead, but he couldn’t always count on somebody being by his side when he needed to move from place A to place B. Being independent was a fight Josh fought every day, sometimes winning, other times losing.

Slowly moving down, Josh could hear chorus of voices and his anxiety flared up immediately, twisting his stomach into painful knots. Crowds of people still scared him.

Upon recognizing his sisters voices the lead in his chest disappeared a little, making him feel a little more light and safe. His family was here, as well as Tyler’s and the reason why they were all gathered was standing tall in the middle of the living room. A huge, gorgeous Christmas tree. 

A sudden rush of emotions overcame Josh while he was taking the last few steps down the stairs. It was Christmas and Josh was home, together with his family , just like he pictured it all of those months far away from home.  He got kidnapped a little over a month before last Christmas and spent it alone, hurting and cold in the tiny prison cell, hopeless of ever celebrating it with his family and closest friends again. And now, a year later he was going to have Christmas tree again and a Christmas dinner and it was so overwhelming the tears came before he could stop himself.

Abby, Josh’s youngest sister rushed to him first, hugging him tightly and letting him cry into her shoulder.

“Shhhh “ she cooed at him and patted his back while Josh did all he could to stifle the sobs that threatened to tumble out of his throat. “ It’s okay, we’re here “ and that’s exactly why he was crying, because they were all here and it was all so amazing it seemed like a dream.

Tyler was right next to him a moment later, patting his hair with a soothing motion.

“Hey “ he said quietly and Josh raised his head to look at his friend “ Is it good cry or bad cry ?” Tyler asked, needing to know if the drummer was upset by something or just too emotional.

“ G-good, Ty, God so good “ Josh managed to say , before his throat closed up and made him choke. “ I never thought I’d have t-this again “ he motioned with one hand around, specifically at the tree standing in the middle of the room. “ I thought I w-wouldn’t live to see another Christmas” he confessed and felt his sister tighten her hands around his shoulders.

“Well you’ve made it, so we left you the honor to decorate the tree “ Tyler said, still ruffling his already too long pink hair “ We’re all so proud of you, you know that ? Having you here is a gift “

“ Yes, it’s a true miracle “ his mother added and hugged both Josh and Abby, joining their embrace. Soon Jenna followed, along with Josh’s other sister and brother, their father and Tyler’s parents. It was one huge group hug, with Josh in the very center of it, feeling so grateful and overwhelmed there no words in any language on Earth to explain or describe it. He’s always loved Christmas and this one, Josh knew, would be even more special.

When the tears were cried and embraces hugged out, Josh was presented with a huge cardboard box full of toys and Christmas lights to decorate the tree. Everyone joined the fun, helping along which made his heart feel full and bursting with joy. Hope was playing with the lowest hanging toys, joining the fun and mewing happily at the attention she got from everyone around. It was one of the nicest evenings Josh could remember having.

“ But it’s not even December yet “ Josh said, slightly out of breath when the last toy – the star on top of the tree was placed.

“Actually it’s December the 1st “ Tyler answered and looked down, avoiding Josh’s gaze. It took him a good minute to figure out why the date was important and why he felt weird when he heard it was the first day of winter. Then it hit him. How could he forget ??

“No , it’s n- .. Oh God “ he forced out and slapped himself over the face with his opened palm “ Oh my God “ he exclaimed again and stared at Tyler who still avoided looking at him “ It’s your birthday. .. why didn’t you t-tell me ?  How could I f-forget ?? “ this has never happened before, in all 5 years of friendship .. he’s never forgotten Tyler’s birthday. But now he was so focused on himself he completely forgot …. Josh felt like a complete failure. How could he forget ? 

The disappointment must’ve been written all over his face, because Tyler was right next to him, putting his hand on Josh’s shoulder.

“Hey, it’s no big deal okay ? Don’t beat yourself up about it “ the singer said and looked concerned , probably afraid Josh will fall into another bout of crying or hysteria.  “ I don’t care about my birthday. All I care about is you and the fact that you’re here. It’s the best present I could ever get, Josh , I swear “ Tyler was clearly rambling, emotions written all over his face. 

“I’m really sorry, Ty, I swear I had n-no clue what date it is “ it was true, he never really knew what day it was, he even sometimes forgot what month it was , if it wasn’t for the snow to remind him it was close to winter.

“Mom baked us a cake , your mum brought some stuff too. We can celebrate, no need of presents and fancy parties. Just you and me and our folks. This is all I want Josh, it’s way more than what I was hoping for “ Tyler said and smiled and it felt so genuine and honest Josh knew that his best friend wasn’t just trying to make him feel better, but truly meant it.

“ I’m g-glad to be here for your birthday. And for all of your birthdays “ Josh turned to everyone else in the room “ I’m just so grateful to be alive and back h-home, it’s all I ever w-wanted. And I will never t-take this for granted ever again “

“Yeah, I’m never getting you out of my sight again either “ Tyler said , smiling wide with tears in his eyes. “ And now can we please sit down and eat, because I’m absolutely starving “ everyone laughed at that , but agreed that it is indeed a good time to sit at the table.

Josh tried to memorize every little detail about this dinner and store it for darker times, when he needed something to hold on to. He always loved those moments when he came back from tour , after months of being away from home to sit down on the table and have his entire family there. It almost felt like one of those times , when him and Tyler just came back from their sold out world tour , tired but incredibly happy.

Tears once again burned his eyes when he thought back at the times when he used to perform, used to play his drums for people who took their music and used it to get better, to fight whatever it was they had to fight. Josh didn’t want to cry, not now when everyone was so happy and smiling around the table, but God, thinking about his drums, abandoned and probably never to be used again felt like a knife to his heart.  

Josh had to excuse himself from the table, memories of tours and gigs making him too emotional to hold back tears. Nobody commented on it, when Josh awkwardly hurried out of the living room, supported by his crutches and making the exit a little bit slower than intended.

Man he wished he could grab his drumsticks and smash the drums so hard his muscles got sore and stiff  . His hands itched for it. They hurt from being away from the drums for so long , the pain slow and steady and driving him crazy. Couldn’t those bastards just break his legs instead of mutilating his shoulders? Yeah, he’d definitely rather not be able to walk than not be able to do what he loved most. It was unfair. Why was everything so unfair ?

And why was he so ungrateful, Josh mentally scolded himself. He was home, he was safe and slept in a bed, ate every day and was surrounded by nothing but love and care. Why did he have to want more, ask for more when he already had everything he needed? Drumming … drumming was a hobby, it was something he started doing because he had nothing else to do back when he was a kid. Yes, he was good at it, but with a bunch of practice anyone could be good at it too, right? He wasn’t anything special, drumming wasn’t anything special and he had to let it go. Only he couldn’t. Because it wasn’t true.

Already close to tears Josh made his way upstairs to the spare bedroom where Tyler moved his drum kit so it wasn’t in Josh’s face. It was covered in dust and looked unused. The last time he drummed was a year ago, maybe more. It felt unnatural, looking at his kit but not being able to use it . Leaving the crutches at the door Josh limped to sit down on the stool and let the tears fall. This pile of seemingly simple looking drumheads and cymbals was his entire life. Biting his lip, Josh grabbed one of the sticks that looked used up and slightly rough to the touch. He’s broken hundreds of sticks through his career,, but these training sticks were still intact. Waiting for him. Josh doubted he’d ever be ready to play again, but it was still nice seeing them still here, remaining unchanged by time. Not many things in his life stayed that way.

It was sentimental bullshit, leaning on his drums and hugging them, but it gave him a little bit of comfort. Just knowing that they’re there and they are waiting for him, no matter how long it takes for him to come around. It was funny how he could draw comfort from his drums without even playing them.

Josh stayed there until the need to cry his eyes out quieted down and he managed to pull himself together enough to make it downstairs and join dinner not covered in tears and snot.  Hope nestled herself in his lap, spending the rest of the dinner purring softly and comforting his wired nerves.

 

****

When Tyler’s mom called him to wish him a happy birthday he felt dumbstruck.  He has completely forgotten about it , even though Jenna asked him a couple of times what he wanted for his birthday and what kind of cake should she make him. It kind of didn’t register in his head that his birthday was getting close, too caught up in trying to be as  helping as he could for Josh who was seemingly doing better, but had setbacks every once in a while that brought him back to square 0.  

One day he was listening to music, playing with Hope and fooling around with Tyler and the next one he wouldn’t leave his bed  all day and cried for hours, talking to someone who wasn’t there. Depression of course was a side effect of torture , along with other mental issues brought by the months of abuse.  He would see things and hear voices that scared him and made him close in on himself , out of  self-protective reflex , shutting everyone out including Tyler. On other occasions when Josh felt better he would open up about things that happened to him or things that bothered him. It was difficult hearing the horrifying details about his friend’s suffering, but if Josh could bear it than Tyler could handle hearing it out.

“ It was freezing most of the time “ Josh admitted when Tyler decided to finally ask him what it was like there. He was afraid of the answer, but the need to know was stronger than the fear of knowing. “ My cell was the size of a box, barely big enough to fit me inside. I … I spent most of my time chained up to the wall with cuffs that went around my wrists and a .. “ he coughed, seemingly uncomfortable recalling the hellish conditions he existed in “ .. a collar around my neck. They never really took it off and used it as a leash when I had to follow them somewhere “ that made Tyler shudder all over, anger gripping his insides in a tight fist. Josh must’ve caught on that, recoiling slightly back, out of instinct more than intention. To him, on some kind of primal level , anger meant harm. That’s why Tyler worked extra hard not to show any kind of aggressive emotions around Josh.

“ My cell was pretty much empty. I slept on the ground and …  and r-relieved myself there as well since .. since there was n-no other options … “ Josh trailed off, face red with embarrassment.  His lip quivered slightly, giving out how upset talking about it made him feel. Tyler wanted to tell him he didn’t need to talk if it made him feel uncomfortable, but he knew it would help “ IJosh if he let out the negative stuff instead of bottling them up inside.

“ It w-was disgusting in the beginning and I spent days not sitting down or lying d-down, but … but then I got too tired and starved and had t-to lie down.  It stopped m-making any difference after a w-while, when t-they hurt me so bad I w-was barely alive. “

“T-the smell there was horrible, because there were other p-people locked up as well, living in the same inhuman c-conditions like me. The guards l-liked it though. They never minded the smell, quite the opposite actually “ it sounded absolutely impossible and unbearable, and yet Josh had to get through it every day. And Tyler knew there was more than that.

“ I had no one to talk to. Can you imagine that ? Not talking to anyone for months ? Not hugging anyone, no human contact, nothing “ Josh sniffled at that and wiped his eyes with shaky fingers. Tyler’s heart hurt.

“  No, I don’t think I can “ he answered and tried really hard to picture being stuck in this cold steel box for months without Josh or anyone around to talk to.  “I’d probably go crazy “

“ It was maddening… I thought I’d never make it out of t-there. You kind of hope in the beginning, that someone would come and s-save you, but  ….  “ Josh looked down and stared at his hands, fingers clutching and unclutching .. “ but then you realize that you’re alone and you h-have to find a way to d-deal with the situation. You lose hope, but .. you can’t afford to l-lose the human side of yourself. You c-can’t become indifferent to other people’s suffering when you start witnessing it on d-daily basis.  I’ve always been scared it will stop m-making difference to me at some point. When people screamed and cried … I didn’t w-want to be indifferent to t-that “ Tyler nodded, trying to comprehend what Josh has just told him.

 When he thought about it, it seemed that it would be way easier to just stop caring about people getting hurt and shut all of that out. It wouldn’t hurt as much if you don’t care. But Josh was different, he didn’t want to not care, he didn’t want to not hurt. Thinking about it Tyler had to admit that his friend was right. If you stop being affected by other’s pain than … don’t you lose a part of yourself that way ? Don’t you become less of a human and more like those monsters? 

Josh was looking at him from underneath his lashes with his warm eyes that carried so much inside they looked like two separate galaxies. His gaze was heavy, full of emotions and traces of things he has seen that were left there, inerasable. Josh has become wiser than a year ago, seeing things nobody should have to see. He became more vulnerable and drawn back, but also didn’t lose his sensitivity and empathy. Josh was still as kind as ever, not hardened by the rough experiences, still warm and soft

Tyler smiled at him, overwhelmed by how much he loved his best friend, surprising Josh who must’ve expected a different reaction. He smiled back ,baring perfectly white teeth in return.

“What are you smiling about ? “ Josh asked, unaware of the internal dialog Tyler has been having with himself.

“I’m just admiring my best friend and how fucking amazing he is, why ? “ he said with a causal tone, making Josh blush a little and let out a huff.

“T-there’s not much to admire, really” Josh answers, still blushing “ I did what I h-had to do to survive. What everyone would do “ and this is where he was wrong, Tyler thought to himself. He has never met another person like Josh, who literally embodied everything good in life . If something like this happened to Tyler for example, he wouldn’t be calling dead people’s families to console them, he’s pretty damn sure about that.  Josh was different, so much different.

“Yeah, you did what you had to do to survive, but you stayed human. You stayed kind and good and it’s just …. I don’t think you will ever understand how special that is. How special you are “ he finished and saw Josh smile , his  fragility shining right through.

A little bit later that day, when Tyler was still sitting around thinking back at his friend’s words his phone rang and made him jump in his seat. He was stretched out in  the grass outside of his house, breathing fresh air and trying to clear his thoughts. Startled, Tyler looked at his screen and saw Richard’s name written there , all of a sudden anxiety gripping his insides.  This couldn’t be good he thought, why would he call if everything was okay ?

“Hello ? “ he picked up and stared at the sky where not stars could be seen. It will probably rain later, or maybe even snow.

“ Hey Tyler, it’s Richard. How are you doing ? “ Richard’s voice sounded tired, like he hasn’t slept for a week straight. The man never really gave himself a break. 

“ Hi “ a pause, trying to come up with an answer to that complicated question. “ I’m fine, how are you ? “

“ Busy…. I’m back from Syria, just landed in LA a few hours ago. Thought I’d come by and see how you guys are doing. “

“ Oh That’s awesome, you should definitely come for by for a dinner… or lunch, whatever you like. You’re always welcome to our house, Rich “

“ Thanks , thanks, I will. But that’s not why I’m calling, not exactly  “ the anxious feeling came back, pouring liquid ice into Tyler’s veins. He knew that Richard wouldn’t just call him for some reason. Something must’ve happened.

“ Something happened with the field hospital Josh was treated at. Something pretty bad “ he paused, giving Tyler enough time to panic. Pretty bad mean it was probably destroyed. “ There has been an attack, a pretty violent one and the hospital was torn into pieces. It was standing in the way of the armed forces of Syrian rebels … and things got out of control. Almost nobody survived the attack “ Richards’s voice was solemn and grim. Suddenly Tyler realized why and his head spun.

“ Oh my God .. dr. Morgan was there ? Did she die too ? “ oh fuck, Tyler sat up feeling sick. This woman was one of the few people who helped Josh when he was on the brink of death, doing everything she could to make sure he made it. He’d always wanted to meet her and thank her in person. But now …

“ No, she was one of the few survivors. A touch woman is that one, I can tell you “ Richard said and Tyler let out a huge breath of relief. Thank Lord. “ But her injuries are very serious. They had to amputate one of her legs from above her knee all the way down and she had many internal injuries. She’s in the states now, doing a bit better, healing in New York’s state hospital, but I thought that she would need this extra support. “ Tyler felt speechless. Amputated leg. Fuck he was shocked and couldn’t say a word in return.

“ She also asked about Josh and … if you think he would be up to it, it would be nice if we could arrange a meeting. Leticia … she’s a very strong woman. I know she will get through this, but I really want to do something to help her a little. “

“ Ye- yeah, yes of course “ Tyler stuttered out, still feeling ill to his stomach “ Of course, I think Josh would love to see her. Hell I’ve always wanted to thank her in person myself, but …. Jesus I’m so sorry to hear this… I’ll do everything I can to help her. Doctors, money, treatment.. anything. Count me in. Okay ? “

“ Okay, Tyler, thank you. I’m really tired right now so I’ll let you be, but make sure you call me tomorrow so we can figure out how to arrange this. Leti will be ecstatic to see Josh again. She never stops talking about him, I know how much his story affected her and how exited she will be to see him again. “ Richard finished and Tyler nodded fiercely. If there was anything he could do for her, anything at all he would do it in a second.

“ Of course, Rich, thank you so much for calling. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, have some rest now “ Tyler said and felt something get stuck in his throat. After all of the positive emotions around Christmas he had to dump this awful information on Josh out of nowhere. He had no clue how to do it, how to make it less painful.

A couple of snowflakes landed on Tyler’s nose, making him flinch and look up. Yeah, it was definitely snowing. He should drag his ass back inside the house and figure out a way to tell Josh about his phone call with Richard. He slowly rose from the ground and gazed at the white covered sky. Taking a deep breath to clear his head Tyler stood up and walked slowly towards the warm house, where Josh was curled up in front of the fireplace with Hope in his lap, looking content and peaceful while the fire burned away. He didn’t want to disturb that peace, didn’t[t want to make Josh cry, but there wasn’t an easy way to deliver this kind of news.

He could delay it though; Tyler thought as he pet the little kitten on the head who purred back in return.  Maybe he’ll talk to Josh tomorrow, after his own emotional storm died down a little. Mark was over for dinner so maybe he’ll talk to his friend and they’ll figure it out together. They always figure it out.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was emotional. And difficult to write, quite literally since I see everything double and writing is incredibly though. 
> 
> This story is slowly creeping to its end, although it's still not that close. I will never stop saying how much your words and feedback mean to me. It's probably annoying at this point, but I will say it again - THANK YOU. If you left feedback -THANK YOU . If you left a comment, even the shortest one - THANK YOU. I will keep writing, as long as you guys keep reading.


	38. And he can't fall down anymore, 'cause he's already on the floor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Be aware of some graphic description of violence. This chapter is a little bit shorter, but hopefully you'll still find it interesting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all I feel like I should apologize to all of my wonderful readers for the VERY late update. Many things happened, one of them was me being diagnosed with Epilepsy and the struggle that followed finding a proper treatment. I also started another fic ( We stay brave thought we've been damaged) which I felt very inspired to write so I used that inspiration and went with it for a while .
> 
> You should all know that I will NEVER leave this fic unfinished or lose inspiration to write it. Even if updates are slow I will finish it sooner or later. This story means SO FREAKING MUCH TO ME , so you should all know that I will keep updating as often as I can and will still read every single comment left here as well.
> 
> Some of you guys have been supporting me since chapter one and I just want to say thanks to all of you. Special shoutout to some of my friends who never stopped motivating and inspiring me to keep writing : 
> 
> HttpGhosty , marsakat , Daniromanini0307, Brianna |-/ , fear_her_blurryface , oneanddun , spookyjimish , writersblock101 , Deficiency , ukulelequeen and many more .... all of you guys are part of this story and have inspired me to write in one way or another. This is one massive HUGE thank you for the never ending support and love. Stay alive guys and never stop creating. I love you all |-/

_The piece of paper laid out in front of Josh makes his heart race. He’ s sitting at a metal table, hands uncuffed for the first time since he got kidnapped with a blank piece of paper and a pen laying still on the surface in front of him. His eyes are unfocused and glazed over, result from being awake for the past 72 hours straight and the nagging thirst that burns his throat. He has no clue how long he’s been sitting there or how he got there in the first place, but the man in front of him is sitting with his hands crossed at his chest, wearing an expression of utter impatience._

“ _Sign it “ the man says with threat in his voice that makes Josh quiver all over. He knows that this is not a request. He also knows what will happen If he disobeys , he knows that they will hurt him if he says “no”, but his hands lay still on the table, unmoving and shaking visibly. Josh’s vision is so blurred he can’t read a thing so he lifts his eyes up from the piece of paper and looks at his captor._

“ _I can’t read it “ his hoarse voice shakes as much as his hands, the fear of more torture gripping his throat hard._

“ _Sign it “ the man repeats , sounding even more Impatient than a minute before. Josh blinks back tears and tries to focus enough to read whatever is written on the paper. He makes out his name “Joshua William Dun” as well as the words “American” , “spy” and “ crimes” which is enough to convince him that he doesn’t want his signature anywhere near this paper._

“ _I didn’t do anything wrong “ the words slip out of his mouth almost on their own accord. He didn’t mean to say anything, but the idea of signing something that looks like confession of crimes makes his instincts kick in. “ I don’t know what you want me to say, but I didn’t do anything, I swear “ the man stands up and before Josh can comprehend what’s happening a strong hand is gripping his throat and he can’t breathe._

“ _Please-please “ he tries to force out, but the only thing that comes out of his throat is wheezing._

“ _You will sign this “ the man barks and tightens his grip even more “ You will confess to your crimes and take the punishment for them “ his throat is released and Josh heaves and retches on the table in front of him , finally able to take a breath. The tears have managed to escape his eyes and now are making their way down his cheeks. He’s terrified._

“ _Sign it” another command which Josh doesn’t follow, breathing heavy and shallow from being suffocated. He doesn’t want to sign the damn thing, but God he’s so scared they will all rape him again and leave him bleeding for days, like they have done before. That thought makes his eyes go back down towards the paper and make another attempt to read it._

_He can’t. He looks up and the man in front of him hits the table so hard it almost snaps, producing a loud BANG noise that makes Josh jump and squeeze his eyes shut. Someone grips his throat again, harder this time and it feels like this time he’ll suffocate for sure._

_His heart is beating so fast in his chest he's sure he's about to have a heart attack. The fear brings a rush of adrenalin which makes Josh jerk in his captor's grip, body running solely on instinct in its fight for freedom._

_" No, no I won't sign this, I won't " Josh screams and hears his rabid heartbeat thrum in his ears " I didn't do anything, I'm not a fucking spy, I haven't done anything wrong " he screams and yells and spits at the man who's trying to hold him down. The anger soon turns back to fear, which turns to terror when two more people walk into the room and start beating him._

_" You will pay for this" someone is screaming at Josh while another someone cuffs his hands down to the chair handles. Soon enough he's immobilized, sitting terrified and shaking in the metal chair with three angry terrorists in the room with him._

_His resolve to fight completely melts away when one of the masked men takes out a pair of pliers and nears the chair where Josh is bound and helpless._

_" Open your mouth" he orders Josh who feels a surge of panic rush through his chest. No, God no, not this._

_" Please, please don't , please " his begging is met with a fist to his jaw and a strong hand at his throat. The blow makes his head spin and the grip on his throat takes his breath away._

_" Open your mouth or I will cut it open" the cold voice commands and Josh dissolves into a sobbing mess._

_" I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please don't pull my teeth out, please don't do this " and hell why didn't he just sign the goddamn thing when he's hardly going to survive this anyway. What would it matter? Somehow it matters to Josh though, who's fighting with everything he's got to keep at least a tiny little bit of his dignity. Bending to their wishes and orders would take the last little bit of freedom away from him. He couldn’t' let himself lose that, not even if it meant more pain._

_Feeling exhausted and defeated Josh opens his mouth to take a breath and his captors take advantage of that, tugging his jaw opened wide. He knows what will happen next when the cold metal of the pliers touch his tongue and send a chill down his spine. He knows exactly what's about to happen, yet it's no less terrifying or agonizing when something solid and hard catches a tooth and tugs. Hard._

_The pain that follows can't compare to anything he has ever felt in his life. The broken ribs and dislocated shoulders feel like a breeze compared to the pain of having his tooth pulled out , blurring his vision and making him wail. It feels like someone is drilling a hole in his head from how much it hurts and he screams, gulping down warm mouthfuls of coppery blood, gagging on it._

_While his nails are uselessly scratching the metal surface of the chair , the pliers are moving further inside his mouth, stopping just above another tooth._

_" I told you , you were going to suffer for everything your country has done to us and our people " someone whispers in his ear and Josh coughs from how terrifying that threat sounds. " I told you I'll hurt you so bad you will be begging me for mercy, but I will show you none. You will suffer and I will be here to watch you. I want to hear you scream " the last sentence ends with another hard pull and explosion of mind numbing agony which lights his entire head on fire._

_More warm blood seep out of his mouth and Josh yells out so loud he can feel his vocal cords snap and crack. He screams and screams, jaw aching, head hurting and throat sore from swallowing down his own blood. The man who keeps torturing Josh makes one final move, twisting the pliers and breaking whatever was left of his tooth into shattered pieces._

The sole memory of feeling the unbearable pain jerks Josh awake, who's still not quite awoken yet , but can feel the warmth spread all over his upper thighs and pelvis. Hyperventilating he sits up and feels the warmth spread down his upper legs and underneath him where he sits on the bed.

The sheets are damp as well as his pajama bottoms. Calming down, Josh slowly begins to realize what happened and where he is. It was a nightmare, a terrible nightmare about something his brain has fought hard to forget about. Remembering it was so traumatizing his body kept jerking even after he woke up and regained his normal breathing. With hands flying to his mouth Josh slowly inspected the empty spots where his teeth once were, touching them lightly with shaky fingers. They are gone. When he moves again it sinks down on him that the wetness underneath him is his own piss and he wet his bed while sleeping. Fuck.

Josh pushes the blanket off him and looks down where his pajama is definitely wet and slowly getting cold and sticky. There’s a damp spot on the sheets as well that makes Josh worry that the piss will soak through the matrass and never wash away. “ _I won’t cry, I won’t cry , I won’t cry”_ he repeats to himself silently and wills his hands to stop shaking so hard while his tongue still runs over his missing teeth. His jaw aches. Can nonexistent teeth hurt? Josh ponders on that while trying to steady himself enough to get off his bed and remove the wet sheets before someone ventured into his room and saw the mess he’s made.

His feet barely support him when he slides off the bed and steps on the carpet, finding the worst time to hurt and be useless. His right knee, the one that was broken multiple times and healed the wrong way all of those times hurts like hell and makes Josh grit his teeth and try to move his weight on his left leg. Standing like that for a moment he searches for his crutches but doesn’t see them. Crap. He knows that his walking frame is still in his closet so he moves slowly towards it , favoring his right leg and trying not to put too much pressure on it. 

Having the support of the walking frame gives Josh a lot more freedom to move around so he makes his way back towards the soaked up bed and drag the sheets down. Of course the wetness stains the mattress as well and Josh sighs. He’ll have to wash that too then.

It’s in the middle of the night, judging how dark and quiet it is, but he’s determined to clean his own mess this time, despite how weak and nauseous he feels. He brings the sheets to his bathroom and dumps them inside the hamper, deciding he’ll put them in the washing machine in the morning before anyone can figure out what happened. Then he grabs the soap and fills a basin with warm water, hoping that his hands will stop shaking so bad and let him at least wash the mattress. Walking is goddamn difficult he can barely hold the supplies in his hands and support himself at the walking frame at the same time. Somehow he manages and kneels in front of the bed, leaving everything on the carpet nearby. 

It takes him a good hour to finish up, being slowed down by his shaky hands and aching head, as well as stiff shoulders and back that makes kneeling and bending difficult. The result is a wet bed he can’t lie on, but he’s so tired he can’t stand straight for another minute so he sits down next to it and leans on it. It doesn’t smell like urine anymore, but the questions about why his bed is wet and stripped off sheets will probably bubble up in the morning and Josh has no clue how he’s going to answer them. “ I had a nightmare so I pissed myself” it sounded so pathetic to his own ears it made him cringe and cover his face with both hands. It’s embarrassing and awful and … it’s his life. It’s all he got now. It’s all he can do now. Wet his bed. Scream his head off all night. Cry for hours in the bathroom until he throws up. That’s all he’s good for. That’s all he can do. He even managed to forget Tyler’s birthday , which has never happened before. 

Josh couldn’t stand it anymore. The feeling of being so utterly useless and worthless was consuming him and he couldn’t take it. He didn’t have the human strength to go through another night of self-doubting and self-hatred. Getting up was difficult, but josh willed himself to do it and dragged himself to the bathroom where the morphine was stashed. He didn’t use it anymore, unless the pain got so strong nothing else would help. For emergency cases, as his doctor would say. This was definitely such a case, the drummer told himself while his shaky fingers unwrapped the little bottle of liquid.

He wasn’t good at giving himself shots, but finding a vain wasn’t so hard so he managed to inject it in his left arm. Squeezing the entire syringe into his vein Josh knew this was too much and would probably knock him out cold, but after all it was the whole idea. Not to feel. Not to think. That’s all he wanted. 

The drug’s effect was immediate. The bathroom tiles swam in front of his eyes, blurring into one big blue haze. The pain in his body was numbed and the emotional turmoil from the night’s events didn’t bother Josh so much anymore. Fuck everything , he thought to himself , leaning against the bath tub. Fuck recovery, fuck nightmares, fuck being strong and brave and all of that shit. He just wanted to pass out and forget everything that happened to him. It didn’t take long for the dream to come true.

  


Somewhere during the time when his brain ran back and forth between unconsciousness and blurry haze he felt his body moving from the uncomfortable bathroom tiles and fly somewhere soft and warm. The clouds, Josh thought smiling; he must’ve went to the clouds because it sure felt like he did. Something cool and wet was touching his forehead, soft hands were massaging his arms and someone was saying something, but Josh was way too far gone to understand. He just let the softness engulf him and carry him away.

  


Josh woke up from unbearable thirst and with pain in his back , realizing he was laying on his back which was something he usually avoided doing. His back was deformed and the damage often made sitting and laying pretty painful and uncomfortable. Noticing that he wasn’t in the bathroom anymore Josh started panicking, unable to remember how he managed to move from the tiled floor to his bed. Oh crap his bed. 

Josh snapped his eyes opened , panicking more and more with every passing minute. How did he end up in this bed which was obviously not his, because it felt a little bit less soft than his and the pillow smelled like Tyler’s shampoo? Tyler. Yes, his friend must’ve found him passed out in the bathroom and taken him to his room. The last thing Josh wanted was to upset Tyler so that thought made his heart sink. 

He tried to sit up, but the pain in his back has intensified since yesterday and made him lay back down, cutting any attempts to get up or move. He felt sick and feverish, still disoriented from the heavy drug’s effect on his body. He shouldn’t have taken so much morphine at once. Stupid, stupid idea. What if he overdosed ? His family will probably think he tried to kill himself again and Tyler will be so disappointed. Will he ever stop disappointing people ? 

The door squeaked and opened slowly, drawing Josh out of his thoughts and to his best friend’s concerned and tired face that showed up from behind it.

“ Oh thank God “ Tyler exclaimed and walked in, closing the door behind him “ How are you feeling ? Are you okay ? “ Tyler walked to Josh’s bed and sat there, looking all pale and worried.

“ Yeah. Can you give me some water ? “

“ I actually bought you orange juice. Do you want it or should I bring you water? “ Tyler asked, his voice shaking almost as much as Josh’s.

“ Yeah, juice is great “ 

“ Okay “ Tyler left the room and came back shortly with a tray in his hands, containing the promised juice and some food. “ You should eat too “ Tyler said when he left the tray on the nightstand near his bed.

“ I feel a bit sick “ Josh admitted and felt ill at the thought of eating anything at the moment.

Tyler waited for him to drink , refilling his glass a couple of times silently.

“ What happened last night ? “ he asked, making Josh’s cheeks heat up. “ Were you in too much pain ? Why didn’t you tell me ? “ there was no accusation or anger in Tyler’s voice, but Josh could feel the disappointment there. 

“ Yeah. I .. I had a bad dream and –and I woke up with bad headache and … “ it wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t completely true either. The pain wasn’t the reason why he took the drug. “ I didn’t want to bother you, Ty. It was the middle of the night “ 

“ Well you wouldn’t have bothered me “ Tyler sounded so wounded Josh wanted to hide away from his gaze. “ You took a whole bottle of morphine, Josh, this could be dangerous. Do you know how long you’ve been out cold ? “ Tyler’s voice was raised a little higher , indicating how scared he was. 

“ I’m s-sorry …. You’ve been taking care of me for so long, I .. I wanted to handle the situation myself. I didn’t want you to worry about me again. “

“ I found you on the bathroom floor with a needle sticking out of your arm, how do you think that made me feel ? Didn’t you think I would worry when I found you like that? “ Tyler’s tone made Josh shrink back against the pillows and lower his gaze. 

“ I didn’t think Ty. I was in pain and I wasn’t thinking at all “ 

“ Please don’t do this again, okay ? You really scared me, J “ Tyler reached out to hug Josh who threw himself in his friend’s warm and comforting embrace. “ Promise me you’ll tell me if something bothers you. Promise me, Josh “ Tyler insisted and Josh nodded, even though he knew he wouldn’t go to Tyler next time the voices in his head decided to torture him.

“ What happened to your bed ? Why was it wet and without any sheets ?“ Tyler asked when they let go and Josh knew there was no point in lying to him. 

“ I had a pretty bad nightmare and when I woke up … I – I was wet “ Josh couldn’t look Tyler in the eyes so he focused on the blanked in front of him. “ I didn’t want you to see and I just …. “ he was about to start explaining himself, when Tyler reached out again and hugged him tightly again.

“ Hey, shhh, don’t say anything okay ? You don’t have to explain anything “ Tyler said and Josh couldn’t help the tears from flowing out of his eyes. As always , Tyler held him while he cried his frustration and anger out, them kept holding him while he came down and had no more tears to cry.

“ Have I ever told that they pulled out some of my teeth ? “ Josh asked when he felt like he could breathe again and Tyler looked at him with pained expression.

“No, I didn’t know that. Is that what the dream was about ? “

“ Yeah. I actually forgot about that too. Now I can’t stop thinking about it. “ Josh said and trailed his tongue over the spots where his teeth once were. 

“ It must’ve been so painful “ Tyler said and Josh nodded.

" I don't think I've ever hurt this bad " The phantom of that unbearable agony was still thrumming under his flesh. The days that followed were the worst in his life, when the opened wounds in his gums were bleeding and hurting terribly.  Josh couldn’t eat or drink, his head was hurting badly and the fever that burned him added to his already miserable state. 

“ _Not hungry ? “ the guard mocks him when the metal plate is put in front of Josh who’s in so much pain he can’t force his mouth opened. He’s actually starving, not eaten for at least a week, but the agony of opening his mouth or moving his tongue keeps him from eating anything. Three pulled out teeth and one broken into pieces. The pain lasted longer than anything his captors have ever done to Josh so far. He’s terrified that there are more teeth they can pull and the thought of disobeying another order evaporates in his pain-filled brain. He never wants to go through that agony again. He’d rather chew the veins on his writs rather than have to feel the coldness of the pliers against his tongue and the mind numbing pain that follows every harsh pull._

“ _I’d eat if I was you “ the man says , but his voice is as cold as a steel. “ You’ll be getting no more food for the next week.”_

_Josh wants to cry, because his stomach hurts from the constant hunger and the taste of blood never goes away and he wishes desperately it would. Maybe if he could just … open his mouth a little bit, just enough to put the piece of bread inside and swallow it … Josh grabs the piece of food in his shaking hand and moves it closer to his mouth, concentrating_ _on_ _opening it as slowly and carefully as possible. The second he_ _moves his tongue though , the pain hits him so hard he cries out and covers his mouth with both hands, doubling over. No, Josh decides, there is no way in hell he can eat right now. It just hurts way too much._

_The guard laughs , making Josh wa_ _nt to cry even more._ _The masked man is_ _well aware that the drummer is not in any condition to eat right now ,_ _but he still brings him food just to tease him and make him suffer. His eyes water, but he doesn;t allow himself to cry._

_When the guard leaves Josh makes_ _another attempt to eat, but it hurts to move his jaw just as much so he gives up. The piece of bread looks days old and feels pretty hard to the touch, so there’s no way he’ll be able to eat it like this. The guard left him a basin with water which gives Josh an idea. He_ _soaks the rough piece of bread in the water and waits until it’s as soft as it can get without falling apart. Then, while lying on his side_ _and supporting his head with one hand he slowly opens his mouth a couple of millimeters, just enough to push the soaked bread inside and swallows as fast as he can. Swallowing brings pain as well so he chokes a little and takes a couple of deep breaths to calm himself down. It doesn’t taste like anything really, but it’s food and it’s what he needs in order to survive this ordeal. If he doesn’t feed himself he won’t be able to fight the fever and the weakness that has been torturing his body for the past week or so._

_Repeating the procedure a couple more times Josh_ _finally lies back and tries to enjoy the feeling of actually having food in his stomach. The pain in his mouth is almost worth it. Almost._

_The movement of his jaw irritates the opened wounds in his mouth and the pain blooms with even bigger intensity. Now that he’s alone Josh lets himself cry,_ _because he just can’t take it any longer. But he’ll have to anyway, because he has no choice, no will of his own, no rights, no voice in this. He’s helpless and feels so alone._

“ You should eat something “ Tyler’s voice startles Josh who has been too carried away in memories to notice his friend moving beside him with the tray in his hands. 

“ You gonna eat too ? “ Josh asks and Tyler smiles, nodding. 

“ Yeah, we can share. There’s peanut butter sandwiches and some fruits. “ 

“ You’ve lost some weight “ Josh notices and it hurts him to think that he’s the reason his best friend isn’t eating. Taking care of a sick person takes sacrifices and Tyler has been sacrificing his sleep, his appetite, personal life and musical career just to be there for Josh. 

“ Nah, I just … I haven’t been very hungry lately. You know how I am, I can’t really eat too much when something’s bothering me. “ Tyler mumbles, avoiding Josh’s gaze.

“ I don’t want you to get sick because of me. You need to sleep and eat, Ty, please” he pleads and Tyler leans in to kiss his temple.

“Don’t worry about me. I’ll take care of myself. Plus I have Jenna to worry about me so it’s all good “ Tyler answers and unwraps one of the sandwiches.

They share the meal and cuddle in Tyler’s bed afterwards, not talking, just  enjoying each  others company.  An hour or so later Mark arrives and they all huddle on Josh’s bed to talk and share some Oreos that Mark has brought. Hope joins them as well, purring happily when Tyler scratches her behind the ears. It’s nice having his closest friends around, Josh thinks while Mark tells his usual funny story when he comes by. When silence falls in the room Josh can feel the underlying tension that both Mark and Tyler give out. It makes him anxious so he turns to Tyler, hoping that his friend will tell him what’s bothering him.

“ I talked to Richard a while ago “ Tyler finally says after a couple of minutes of silence. Mark looks at the singer and they both share a worried look. Something must’ve happened.

“And ? “ Josh asked, feeling the beginning of panic rise in his throat. 

“ I … I really didn’t want to bother you with this and … and …. “ Tyler obliviously struggled with words so Mark joined in to help.

“ I know this will sound scary, but both me and Tyler think that you deserve to know “ this made Josh even more anxious, raising his heartbeat dramatically. “ You remember dr. Morgan right ? The one who treated you back in Syria ? “ Josh flinched at the word “Syria” and felt his body shiver. The memories he had from the field hospital were jumbled and hazy, but despite that he still remembered the mind numbing fear and the never ending pain he felt the entire time he was there. Her gentle touch was the first normal human contact he’d had in months and the way she cared for him was so comforting Josh remembered feeling safe. She was so careful with him, so kind and good. 

“ Yeah, I remember her “ 

“ There has been an attack and the field hospital has been shred into pieces. Almost nobody survived “ Mark said with voice thick with sadness. 

“ D-did she .. ? “ Josh trailed off, scared to say the word out loud , because he didn’t want to believe that the person who literally saved his life was dead.

“ She survive, J “ Tyler joined in and grabbed Josh’s hand to comfort him for the next part. “ But she was badly injured. Richard told she’s at the state hospital in LA . It happened months ago, but she’s still recovering. “ oh God, Josh buried his head in both hands and tried not to cry, but the tears still came. Why did things like these happen to good people like dr. Morgan ? He instantly felt the need to see her, thank her for everything she has done for him. He never got the chance to do it, having no voice to speak back than and being in constant state of shock or severe pain. 

“ H-how bad is it ? Is she g-going to be okay ? “ 

“ The doctors say she’ll recover completely with the proper treatment. But .. um.. she lost her right leg. They had to amputate it in order to save her life “ Tyler said and looked like he can barely hold back his own tears. These news felt like a knife to the heart. Josh felt ashamed of himself for not asking about Leticia all these months, for not trying to reach out to her and thank her for what she has done for him. His heart literally hurt for her. There was no other way to describe how he felt. 

“ Can I see her? She’s probably not okay to travel, but maybe we could go ? “ Josh knew full well he was in no condition for long flights either, but he wanted to do it more than anything right now. “ Please Ty ? Can we go ? “ 

“ I was hoping you’d want to go “ Tyler smiled a sad little smile and patted his friend’s shoulder. “ Let’s talk to your doctor before we make this decision okay ? If he says you’re clear to go , we’ll go. I think we all owe her that much “ and Josh agreed 1000%. They all owed her that and much more.

“ This is so unfair “ Josh said and both Mark and Tyler nodded in unison, both looking as upset as Josh felt. “ I don’t understand … I just don’t understand why things like this happen “ 

Tyler pulled the blanket up and tucked Josh with it, who didn’t notice how much he was shivering. Mark fluffed his pillow and helped him rest back against it. Both of his friends were quiet and looked worried, the bad news affecting them just as much as they did affect Josh. 

“ I don’t get it either, J. But I do think that everything that happens to us has a purpose . Everything that happened to you… it’s so terrible and unfair and just … horrific, but I do believe that you will do great things with your life. I believe in you and in your ability to heal and help others heal. I believe in your kindness and your pure heart and in everything good you have ever done. Nothing good is ever wasted, Josh, no good act ever goes to waste. I know that you’ll make so much difference for so many people while you’re here that maybe one day all of those horrible things you’ve experienced will make sense. “ Nobody has ever believed in josh as much as Tyler did and that faith was one of the few things that helped him pull through the tough days when Josh didn’t believe in himself at all. It didn’t matter if it was about his ability to play drums or his qualities as a person. Tyler never had an ounce of doubt in him and always kept him above the water, not letting the waves drown him. Like a safe boat. 

“ I wish I could do something to help people like her or anyone who’s been through something similar to what I experienced “ it’s been bugging him for a while, the thought of turning his feeling of helplessness into something useful and beneficial to others. Josh knew he was far beyond repair and a lot of the trauma he’d endured will probably stay with him his entire life. But there were so many people who has been through something painful and felt ashamed and unworthy of anyone’s help and felt like they couldn’t talk to anyone about it. Josh was familiar with that feeling; he had to carry the shame and he guilt with him every day for the past year or so. Maybe if he did something for other people the feeling of helplessness will lessen ? Maybe if he couldn’t help himself he could at least help someone else and still be useful somehow. “ I mean ...I can’t change what happened to me, but maybe I could use it you know ? To help someone… I don’t know, maybe I’m too messed up right now, but one day ? I don’t know “ it was the first time he told anyone about his desire to help people like him and it made him feel nervous. He’s never been good at anything except for playing drums and the thought of doing something else literally terrified him.

“ Really ? “ Tyler asked , a smile of pure pride appearing on his face “ Josh, this is amazing ! I think that this is an amazing idea and you’ll be absolutely amazing if you did it. “ Josh felt a warm feeling spread inside of his chest at that and smiled

“ I have really bad anxiety so I’m not very sure about being amazing at it.. but I’d try ? Do you guys really think I should try ? “ 

“ Absolutely “ Mark chimed in “ Helping people is in your blood , Josh. You’ve got something that not many people have and that’s the courage of being brave and strong, but also soft and kind at the same time. I think you’ll help a lot of abuse victims or people who survived something traumatic.” 

“Yeah, starting with dr. Morgan. I think this will be amazing Christmas gift for her “ Tyler also nodded and smiled at Mark. “ We can all go there and spend Christmas Eve in LA. Richard will be there too and Josh could see some of his LA friends as well “ The excitement in Tyler’s voice made Josh so happy he wanted to scream so loud the entire state of Ohio could hear him. It’ felt like ages since he’d seen Tyler so enthusiastic and excited about anything at all. “ If you’re up to travel of course. You don’t have to if you don’t feel well “ Tyler turned to Josh who instantly felt the crippling anxiety claw at his insides.

Traveling to another state meant getting out of the house – something he hasn’t done for long months. Even though he was well enough to walk on his own now, supported by crutches every once in a while, he still felt too self conscious to show up in front of people. The fear of being recognized and bombarded with questions was a lot stronger than the desire to go outside and feel the sun on his skin. He feared being looked at and the fact that his scars were going to be seen by everyone was making him feel uneasy and fearful. The furthest he went was the garden where Tyler used to wheel him out and walk around during the summer when Josh was still too ill to walk. Thankfully it was colder now so he could wear long sleeves and turtle necks to hide the hideous traces of abuse all over his skin. But it still made him feel uncomfortable, thinking about being around “normal” people, when he was so so damaged and broken.

“ I think I can handle it “ Josh said after the need to cry wasn’t so intense anymore “ I think she deserves it. She did so much for me .. I think I can do this much for her , I have to “ 

“ We’ll be there with you, okay ? Me, Jenna, Mark, Debby, everyone. We’re all here ,Josh and we’re all so proud of you “ Tyler said and leaned in to hug Josh who accepted it without a second thought. 

The dream he had earlier lingered in Josh’s mind for a long while, but the other thoughts, about helping people like him and seeing dr. Morgan again battled those memories and helped him focus on something else. Maybe he wasn’t beyond saving after all. Maybe he still had something to give. And even though he didn’t feel strong or powerful it didn’t matter because you only need power if you want to do something harmful. Otherwise love is enough to get everything done. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual I'm dying to know what you think , so if you have any criticism, ideas or just something to say about the story - leave comments and I will LOVE to read them. In the meantime you can check my other fic ( insert shameless self promo) or not :) You can find me on tumblr here - http://i-m-a-goner-takeitslow.tumblr.com/ and talk to me about this story or anything else :)


	39. Right now I've got some really crazy mind to clean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey , hello, yes I am back with a new chapter. I've had it in my drafts for a while, but couldn't finish it until now. 
> 
> We're creeping towards the end of this story and let me tell you - it's been an incredible ride. Still a few more chapters to come though, so stay tuned.
> 
> Trigger warnings for panic attack and a scene of torture later in this chapter, even though it's short and not too graphic. Flashback is written in italic,so if you're bothered by violence and torture just skip it

Josh could hear Tyler’s soft breathing next to him, giving him a weird sense of comfort and safety during the scary nights full of bad thoughts and nightmares.  His best friend’s presence was one of the few things that brought Josh any kind of peace and gave him courage whenever he needed it. And right now was one of those times, because Josh felt scared as hell. Since receiving the news about dr. Morgan being badly hurt and fighting for her life Josh hasn’t been able to find any kind of peace amongst all the anxiety in his fear-filled heart. Flashes and images of those scary times haunted him whenever he was left alone or at night, especially during those quiet times when he was left alone with nothing to distract him.

Josh sighted , shifting slightly to find a more comfortable position without disturbing his friend’s sleep. His back was hurting especially bad the past few weeks and the constant headaches didn’t help either.  He could barely catch any sleep, feeling exhausted and anxious all the time. If he falls asleep there will be nightmares. If he doesn’t sleep at all it meant being constantly tired and irritated. There was no in between, but he usually chose exhaustion over the horror of relieving something truly traumatic during his nightmares.  His body didn’t handle the nightmares too well either and Josh often woke up throwing up or pissing himself, sometimes both which was even worse when he slept with Tyler in his bed. He’d thrown up all over his friend multiple times оr woke up trashing and hurting Tyler in the process which never stopped making him feel bad.

Josh straightened his back as much as he could and stretched his legs, trying to get comfortable.  3:30 am showed the digital watch by his bed, which meant about 3 more hours before they had to get up. It was important day, especially for the drummer who had an appointment at the hospital to determine whether he’s good to fly or not.  His immune system was fighting against his own body , causing a lot of health issues , combined with the left lunge not working and his general exhaustion it could be dangerous to go too far from where he lived.

It made him anxious and nervous, thinking about the check-up even though he knew the doctor pretty well and it shouldn’t be scary, but the thought of being touched made him feel like a live wire.  The only thought that made him feel a little calmer was the fact that Tyler would be there and he’d hold his hand and distract him if Josh started panicking or freaking out.

He really needed to do this. It felt important, seeing the person who literally saved his life, risking her own to help him. Josh never really saw her very well,  he doesn’t remember her clearly, but her voice was one of the things that helped him through the worst. He was in such awful state it was a miracle he survived those weeks in the badly supplied field hospital. Tyler told him that if he stayed there for another couple of days he’d definitely die from his injuries.  He survived though and had Richard and Leticia to thank , as well as Tyler, Mark and all of the doctors who took care of him.

It made him feel so guilty that he wished he didn’t survive and just died back there. So many people invested their entire lives into saving him and he … he just felt so ungrateful and guilty . Sometimes he didn’t want to live and other times he didn’t want to live so badly it took all of his human strength not to cut every single vein on his body.  Living was hell most of the time and nobody understood that.  Everyone talked about getting better and healing, but nobody truly understood how impossible that was for Josh.  The voices never left him alone and all of the people he watched die never disappeared from his memories.  He remembered their faces, their voices and screams and how they begged and cried before they died. How do you heal after something like this  ? How do you become “normal “ when everything inside your head screams with the voices of the people who died in front of you ? 

Josh knew he’d never be normal again, but he tried really hard for his family and Tyler , knowing how much they wanted for him to get better. They all put so much effort in his recovery  it made Josh try twice as hard and he often pushed himself to his limits and beyond them.  It was exhausting and emotionally draining to live like this and fight all of the fights Josh knew he was destined to lose. But he still tried.  He would try again today, to stay strong at the hospital and not let the anxiety and fear win. He never tried for himself thought; always doing it for someone else that deserved it way more than him.  

„ Josh “ ? A sleepy voice pulled the drummer out of his thoughts. “ Hey, why aren’t you asleep ? “ it was Tyler who was propped on one elbow, looking at his friend with a worried expression.

“ How’d you know I wasn’t sleeping? “

“ You usually snore like a whale when you sleep “ Tyler jokes and makes Josh snort out a laugh.

“No I don’t “ he counters, but knows that it’s true. Tyler has always been pretty light and quiet sleeper opposed to him.

“ Yep, you do. “

“ And you heard me not snoring  and woke up? “ Josh asked and made Tyler chuckle and lie back down with a thud.

“ I felt you moving around “  Tyler said and yawned “ It’s kind of an instinct by now you know. Wake up If I hear any sounds or feel movements, just in case you … you know. Have a nightmare or something “  this made Josh feel guilty for the 100th time, because his best friend barely slept for the past 6 months, all thanks to him and his never ending nightmares.

„ Yeah, my back hurts “ he admitted and saw Tyler wince

“ Is it really bad ? “

“ Nah, just uncomfortable “  it was uncomfortable when he lay down hours ago. By now it has grown to a full blown pain that made lying absolutely unbearable.

„ So why aren’t you sleeping ? “

“ I’m a bit anxious about tomorrow. “ Josh admitted and felt the pang of fear in his chest.  There would definitely be physical evaluation and that thought made his insides all queasy and sick.

“ I’m pretty sure it’s gonna go just fine, J, don’t worry  “ Tyler patted his shoulder and smiled at him for comfort “ But you need to tell the doctor is something is bothering you, right ? If you have some kind of pain or something, you can’t keep quiet about that “

“ Yeah, no, I know. I think that physically I’ll be fine to travel, but the thought of going out … you know in-in public and … that makes me so nervous I might get sick “ Josh felt sick just thinking about that. He’s been one of the most talked about person in the past few months, after the videos got leaked and the storm that followed.  Social media was full of articles about him and the fact that everyone got so involved made Josh feel incredibly self-conscious and anxious to show up in front of people. If this wasn’t about dr. Morgan he would definitely not show up outside for the next couple of years.

“ Me, Jenna and Mark will  be right there with you, k ? Nobody will bother you I promise. I’ll hire freaking security if I have to, as long as it helps you feel comfortable “ Tyler kept petting his shoulder and Josh shuddered at the thought of how the people at the airport will look at him.

„ You think it’s gonna go fine ? “  Josh asked, just needing to hear it.

“ Absolutely. You’ll be fine and Leti will be so happy to see you it’s gonna be so worth it “  Tyler reassured him and that definitely helped. Josh relaxed against the pillow and closed his eyes.

“ Thanks, Ty “ he said, squeezing his friend’s hand who squeezed in return.

„ No problem, J . Try and get some sleep okay ?  Everything will go just fine tomorrow “

 

 

When the time to go to the hospital finally came Josh was so nervous he spilled his coffee all over himself with how bad his hands were shaking.  Tyler spent the entire morning trying to calm him down, but the tremors only got worse.  By the time Mark, Tyler, Jenna and him loaded into the car he was shaking so hard his teeth clattered. Everyone was throwing him worried glances and Tyler never stopped holding his hand even for a second during the car ride.

“ Josh, listen, you don’t have to do this, seriously “ Tyler tried to reason with the drummer who was visibly shaking and looked pale and weak when he climbed out of the car. „ ‚Don’t force yourself into things you don’t feel comfortable with “

“ I c-can’t b-back out n-now “ Josh stuttered out and leaned on the side of the car. “ I c-can’t “  Tyler knew that if Josh stuttered this badly it meant that his mental health wasn’t great. He was seriously afraid that his best friend will have a panic attack right in the middle of the hospital parking lot.

„ Josh calm down, nothing’s gonna happen if you don’t go for the check-up. We can schedule another one and come back tomorrow “ Tyler was panicking himself, seeing how shaky and pale Josh looked.

“ I d-don’t want to g-go back “ Josh’s voice was shaking so much Tyler could barely make out the words “ I c-can’t g-go back, you d-don’t understand “  it was evident how heavily Josh was leaning on the side of the car and how much effort it cost him to stay on his feet. Tyler had no idea what to do. His best friend was having some kind of episode and was near a breakdown and he had no clue how to help.

“ Josh, are you with me ? Josh ? “ Tyler came as close as he could without touching Josh , who instantly flinched back , with eyes full of fear and confusion.

“ Ty, maybe we should call a doctor or something “  Mark whispered next to Tyler who felt torn between the need to hug his best friend and the fear that if he touched Josh the other man will completely freak out.

“ I-I …  “ Josh tried to say something, but it looked like he struggled with words and couldn’t form them “ P-please “ is all that came out before he slid down the car’s smooth surface, surrendering to whatever terror was trying to invade his mind.

The scene was heartbreaking and no matter how many times Josh had panic attacks and breakdowns it never got any less scary or traumatic for Tyler to witness. The drummer was folding in on himself, shaking hard on the ground and biting his lips until they bled.

Jenna had both hands on her mouth and Mark looked just as scared as Tyler felt. Nobody knew what to do, especially out here, where Josh must’ve felt exposed and threatened. His diagnosis included paranoia and extreme anxiety that sometimes stopped him from doing simple everyday tasks and threw him into panic attacks like this one, when nothing helped except very strong tranquilizers.

“ D-don’t , d-don’t leave me, p-please don’t … I – I c-can’t, I c-can’t “  Josh was babbling, holding his head with both hands in attempt to keep his sanity from fleeing. Tyler couldn’t stand looking at him like that so he ducked and slowly neared the shaking drummer who kept speaking nonsense with barely recognizable voice.

“ Mark, can you go fetch a blanket from inside ? Tell Jess that Josh is here, but he doesn’t feel too well. Try and get a wheelchair as well, I don’t think he can walk right now “ Mark didn’t waste a second, literally running towards the hospital’s entrance.  Thankfully most of the staff knew Josh and it wouldn’t be necessary to explain much to them.  The months spent here were enough to engrave in everybody’s memories. Cases like Josh’s don’t come around very often.

 

_The cage is small and uncomfortable and digs into his sides while Josh tries to squirm away from the bars where they leave marks on his skin. He doesn’t know why he’s being punished, but it’s scary and he’s blindfolded and thrown into the tiny metal cage that squeezes him without mercy. His back hurts, bent way too much for too long and his knees are digging into the hard surface of the ground underneath him.  There are noises all around him, people screaming, yelling and wailing, blood being splashed and people being tortured.  Josh squeezes his eyes, even though he’s blindfolded and cannot see anything and tries not to cry. There’s just too much noise, too many voices and sounds and things that scare the living hell out of him. He hasn’t slept for days and his mind Is playing tricks on him, painting pictures of his friends being the ones tortured somewhere next to him. The man that screams his lungs out sounds like Tyler, he sounds so familiar and dear to Josh it can’t be anyone else. This throws the drummer into desperation, making his body rock from side to side in attempt to free itself._

_“ Tyler, Tyler, please, not him, don’t hurt him “ Josh begs, but someone hits the bars of his cage and he makes himself small and quiet again, terrified of what his captors could do to him while he’s trapped in that steel cage. The screams drown out everything else and his body is folded in on itself as much as his position allows it._

_Someone is being thrown on the ground next to him and all Josh can think about is “don’t let it be Tyler, don’t let it be Tyler, please don’t let it be him “ , but he’s so confused and overstimulated and exhausted he can’t tell what is real and what is made up by his tortured mind._

_There’s commotion around him and someone unlocks his hands from the bars where they’re twisted and handcuffed behind his back. Then, the rusty little door to his cage opens and Josh is being harshly dragged out, his bruised knees knocking on the cement floor and making him hiss._   _Panicking and still blindfolded Josh folds in on himself and stays where his captors leave him – on the ground next to someone who trashes and cries. Josh throws all of his willpower into trying to recognize the voice, to determine whether it’s actually his best friend or not, but it’s just too much , too loud, too exhausting._

_For a second nothing happens and Josh stays as low as he can, fearful of what is about to happen next with terrible pain in his back and shoulders , resulting from the long hours being locked up in the tiny cage. Something pours all over him, something cold and smelling like .. Gasoline. Oh God._

_He hears the man next to him start crying again and feels his trashing only a few feet away from Josh who’s frozen with fear. Gasoline means fire. He’s soaking wet and only one spark of fire would probably burn him into flames. The thought of burning alive makes him whimper, low and desperate, just loud enough for the man next to him to hear. Josh doesn’t want to die this way, he doesn’t want someone else to die this way either, it terrifies him to his very core and makes his tears appear again._

_Someone lights a match and Josh starts crying._

_“ P-please, please “ his shaking voice sounds hoarse and alien to his own ears.  His hands are no longer tied so he tries to reach out to whoever is holding the burning match and somehow bed them not to do this. He crawls on the ground, with both hands reaching out, knees already bleeding and raw from the constant kneeling._

_He has no idea where he’s going because the blindfold keeps blocking his vision, but he keeps crawling, until his hands bump into somebody’s leg. Josh grabs the fabric between his skinny fingers and holds on for dear life, despite the person’s attempt to shake him off._

_“ Please, please, not this, not this “ he says , delusional from lack of sleep , food and rest. He doesn’t know who he’s begging or where exactly he is. All he wants is to not be set on fire with the other people in the room. It’s so terrifying the sole thought of it makes him dig his fingers deep into the person’s leg._

_Someone kicks him in the back and he howls from the pain, falling on the ground and curling in on himself out of instinct. What happens next is such a blur Josh isn’t sure he’s even awake or it’s just a terrible dream._

_There is screaming. The people scream so loud Josh is absolutely certain he will go deaf any minute. Then the smell of burning flesh fills the room and Josh screams too, because he still can’t see, but he can smell someone being set on fire. Alive. Oh God._

_Josh feels the warmth close to him, the fire burning relentlessly while the gasoline fuels it. He’s not burning, or at least he thinks he’s not because he can’t really trust his senses at the moment. Someone holds him down while other people scream in agony next to him and this is it. He can’t stand it He can’t stand the sounds and he can’t stand the smell of burning flesh and he absolutely cannot stand the thought of it all.  Josh passes out. Or maybe he dies, there isn’t much difference anyway._

The familiar need to throw up woke Josh up and made him sit up sharply, before he even managed to open his eyes.  He vomited straight away, a little bit on himself as well before somebody managed to pull him to one side so  he was leaning on his elbow.  He wasn’t opening his eyes, scared of seeing burned corpses and rivers of blood so he kept squeezing them shut, until his stomach stopped throwing everything inside of it out.  His body was shaking, burning, sweating and feeling queasy and unfamiliar.

“ Josh are you okay ? Are you with me ? J ? “ Tyler’s voice was somewhere close and Josh nodded, but kept his eyes shut. His throat wasn’t opening up either, keeping all of his words piled up and stuck in his airways. Talking seemed impossible, unreachable for Josh who struggled to separate reality from the horror inside his head. Tyler was here, that was a good thing. It meant safety and care. Love. Protection. Josh reached out and a pair of shaking hands embraced him straight away.

“ IT’s okay now, it’s okay. You’re safe, Josh, you’re fine “  Tyler was hugging him so close there weren’t any empty spaces between them. The singer was shaking too which made Josh hug him even tighter, in attempt to apologize for causing his best friend this stress.  He had no clue whether he passed out or had a panic attack,but the last thing he remembers was the parking lot and the smell of gasoline that brought him back there. One moment everything was spinning around him and the next one he was waking up God knows where with Tyler scared shitless next to him.

Josh made an attempt to ask where he was and what happened, but all came out was a sob. He couldn’t speak. He just couldn’t.

“ Hey , are you okay ? Can you speak ? “ Tyler asked and Josh shook his head violently. He couldn’t make a sound except for sobs and whimpers every once in a while.

“ Okay, it’s fine, no need to talk right now. Just relax and let it all out “ Tyler was rubbing his back and cradling his fingers through the drummer’s hair, giving him the much needed comfort. “  You’re at the hospital, you had a pretty  bad panic attack and we had to bring you in. But you can go home if you want to, there’s  no need to stay here “ Josh nodded, burying his head in Tyler’s shoulder in attempt to escape from reality.

“ Okay, I’ll just call  Mark and tell him to get the car as close as possible to the entrance and we’ll head home , okay ? “  Josh nodded again and hiccupped into the younger man’s shirt.

“ Okay “ Tyler said again and unwrapped one hand from around Josh’s shoulders and called Mark really quickly. “ We can stay here for a little bit longer if you want. If you’re feeling tired or weak “ he suggested but Josh shook his head. He didn’t want to stay at the hospital . He wanted to bury himself in the familiar smelling sheets of Tyler’s bed and cry there, without all of the eyes looking at him right now.

Mark came to his room a little later, telling them that the car is waiting outside. Josh still couldn’t open his eyes, so he kept them shut while two pairs of hands helped him get off the bed and into a wheelchair. He didn’t even have the energy to protest so he let himself be wheeled out while everyone around him stayed quiet and didn’t ask him why he wasn’t talking or opening his eyes. His friends were silent while helping him settle inside the car and stayed silent during the ride and Tyler held his hand the entire time, only letting it slip out when Josh needed to grab onto something to support himself.

The smell of gasoline washed over him again when the car stopped and the doors opened, forcing the drummer to fold in on himself and throw up again, hoping that the vomit didn’t end up inside the car. He could hear Jenna’s worried voice saying “ Maybe we should’ve convinced him to stay at the hospital, he looks pretty sick “ , followed by Tyler’s saying “ He didn’t want to stay there, we shouldn’t force him “ , but it all sounded distanced and blurry.

“ Come on J, let’s go home “ Tyler was holding his hand while Mark helped him get out of the car and walk the short couple of steps towards the house.

Tyler took him straight to his room and helped him settle in the king size bed.

“ Do you want me to stay with you ? “ he asked and Josh hesitated. He didn’t want to let go Tyler’s already sweaty hand, because it grounded him and reminded him that he’s safe and home. But the state he was in, it was far too emotional and unpredictable and Josh didn’t want to do something that would scare or upset Tyler.  Feeling his hesitation Tyler leaned in and kissed his forehead.

“ I’ll stay with you for a bit if that’s okay “ he said and Josh curled up under the blankets , with Tyler’s hand wrapped around his shoulders and his familiar scent giving  the much needed comfort.

Keeping his eyes shut Josh imagined being on stage, behind his drums where everything felt safe and comfortable. Where nothing could hurt him and he was in control. He craved that feeling, searched for it helplessly and tried to will himself to believe that one day he will feel it again.  The spot behind the drums would always feel like home to Josh, no matter how much time passed or how many life changing things happened.  The spot right next to Tyler would always be his favorite.

 

***

Hearing Josh cry would never get any easier, this was something Tyler learned over the past 6 or so months since him and his best friend got reunited. It always broke something inside of him and left him feeling devastated and angry. Josh didn’t deserve to cry. He didn’t deserve a single second of what was happening to him for the past year and that made Tyler so angry he wanted to scream.

Witnessing his friend’s breakdown, seeing him panic and scream in the middle of the parking lot was stressful and very upsetting and made Tyler wonder if Josh would ever be okay after what he went through.  OF course Tyler didn’t dare hope  that his friend will be perfectly normal again, but his mental condition wasn’t getting any better and that terrified him.

Josh still wasn’t opening his eyes, probably another coping mechanism against the pain he was in and went mute again. He did that every once in a while, went completely silent for days or wouldn’t get out of his bed for days while the storm inside his head came down a little.  Tyler hated those days, he hated not being able to talk to Josh and to see him smile or hear him laugh. He hated it in his guts, because it made him feel helpless and worthless. What kind of a friend is he if he can’t help Josh cope with the pain  ? Tyler hated it.

He was lying in bed and listened to the water spray freely in the bathroom and if he listened close enough and held his breath he could hear Josh cry . He hated it. God Tyler hated it so much. It hurt him to hear Josh weep, it hurt him that he can’t help his friend and it was the worst kind of pain he knew. 

When things got rough , especially during the nights Josh would take cold showers to lessen the stress and chase away whatever was haunting him.  Tyler was sitting in his bed and listened to the water wash down the drain  , wondering whether to go look if Josh was okay or just leave him alone.  The quiet crying he could hear made him want to stand up and barge into the bathroom to give his friend a massive hug, but … the wouldn’t really help in this situation. Whatever happened at that parking lot really made Josh draw in on himself and stop communicating all together.  It’s been days since they talked, days when Tyler stopped talking as well, because it didn’t feel right to do it when his best friend was struggling so much.

That’s why Tyler was on the verge of getting up and check on Josh when he took over 30 minutes in the shower, but noise of door being opened stopped him in his tracks.

Josh shuffled slowly into the bedroom and softly closed the door, probably thinking Tyler was sleeping.  His body still glistened with wetness, a habit of not drying completely that used to annoy Tyler to death now felt familiar and endearing.

Josh sat down at the edge of the bed, the knobs of his spine popping up from underneath his pale skin , making Tyler’s heart sink with sadness.  The drummer stayed silent , only the occasional sniffling told Tyler that his friend has been crying just a few minutes ago.

“ I’m sick of crying “ Josh said with tired voice while wiping his face with the back of his hand. “ I’m tired of being sad all the time. I’m so tired, Ty, I …. I can barely stand it anymore “ Josh kept talking while his voice shook harder with every word that came out of his mouth. “ But I keep remembering these things, these people and how they died and I just … I can’t  .. I can’t live like that, I can’t , I’m going to lose my mind “ his voice broke and Tyler couldn’t take it any longer either. He slid down the sheets to sit at the edge of the bed next to Josh and grabbed his hand. His friend looked at him with eyes full of tears and leaned his head on Tyler’s shoulder, sighing quietly.

“ They- they .. set someone on fire, right next to me, just a few feet away from me “  Josh said, choking on the last few words. His body began shaking again and Tyler felt the anger rise in his chest once again.  “ They were alive and .. God Tyler , I could smell their hair burning and their skin … it-it smelled like burning flesh and – and ---  they all burned to death, they burned right  next to me and … “  it was obvious that Josh was trying not to sob which made Tyler want to sob as well “ …. and it kills me , Tyler , it kills me inside every time I remember about it. I don’t know what to do anymore, I just don’t know what to do “

Tyler had no idea what to do either so he did the only thing he would do when he needed to cheer his friend up – he hugged him. Josh hugged back, still shaking, still crying and breaking apart he gripped Tyler hard like his life depended on it.  Josh’s skin was freezing from the cold shower and the           singer was afraid he’ll catch a cold or something worse so he blindly searched for the blanket behind him and wrapped it around them both.

“ I’m sorry if I’m upsetting you, I really don’t want to make you sad, Ty “ Josh says after he stops crying and can talk again. His hair is still slightly wet and it falls in his eyes, the color almost drained out of it. No matter how much pain he is in, his eyes stay warm when they turn towards Tyler.  It’s amazing how unchanged his eyes look, how soft and kind they stay despite all of the suffering he has endured.  That makes Tyler smile, because after all, no matter how difficult  things are and how hopeless they seem sometimes, Josh is here with him and that’s the biggest blessing in the world.

“ No, I want you to talk to me. I want to know what’s on your mind and what’s bothering you. And you know what ? If talking about it helps you , I’m always here, I’m always ready to listen. Don’t worry about me being upset, alright ? “

“ Even if I talk about people dying and being hurt ? “ Josh asks and looks up at Tyler

“ Even if, J. “ Tyler answers and hears Josh sniffle again. Neither of them can fall asleep so they spend the night talking and cuddling under the blanket.  Josh tells him stories from his captivity and Tyler mostly listens, because there are no words to describe how sorry he is that his best friend was the one who had to experience all of that horror.  Josh tells him about the starvation and sleep deprivation that never ended, about the fear of being hurt every single second and about the fear of seeing someone else get hurt.  He also tells Tyler about the weeks spent at the field hospital and how dr. Morgan helped him through everything which makes Tyler feel the pang of sadness in his chest, thinking about what happened to her.  She didn’t deserve it.  Just like Josh, who didn’t deserve a second of what he was put trough. But maybe they could help each other heal and give one another the courage they needed to survive. 

That’s why he was incredibly happy when Josh got another appointment at the hospital a week later , to make sure he’s clear to fly to another state. Josh was once again excited to leave home and see his old friend and seeing that excitement was making Tyler happy and hopeful.  

He held Josh’s hand the entire ride to the hospital and lead him inside, followed by Mark and Jenna who never left his side.  Jess welcomed them by hugging Josh first and then the rest of them with a big smile on her face.  They all followed the drummer to the hospital room , but only Tyler was allowed inside, to hold his hand of course.

Dr Lewis was as kind as usual, making Josh feel as comfortable as possible and yet the physical part was pretty difficult.  It involved taking clothes off and being touched which still made Josh feel sick.  Jess took some blood samples and checked his vitals, just to make sure he’s healthy enough to travel and his body will handle the stress.

“ Do you eat according to the diet I advised you too maintain ,Josh ? “ the doctor asked him when he finally was allowed to put his shirt back on. “ I’m happy to see that you put on some weight , but it is still well below desirable and lab results show anemia which means you’re not eating enough “  Josh looked down at that, throwing a glance at Tyler as he did so.

“ I’m trying to eat more, but I feel sick a lot of the time and throw up everything I eat “ he admits and Tyler sees dr. Lewis right something down in the chart.

“ Your body is still pretty weak, Josh. Your immune system hasn’t quite recovered yet and in order to stay healthy you need food. If you don’t eat your body won’t be able to fight and you need all the strength right now “ Tyler nodded silently , because it hurts him to see all of the bones sticking out of his friend’s body. Sometimes Josh can barely stand on his feet and other times he’s so weak he can’t even get out of bed. 

“Sorry “ Josh muttered and Tyler squeezed his hand for comfort.

“ There’s no need to apologize , son. It’s not something you can control. I just need you to know how important it is that you feed yourself. “

“He doesn’t have trouble eating, he’s struggling with keeping it down “ Tyler said and the doctor nodded in response.

“ I understand. I will prescribe you some pills for nausea and stomach cramps “ dr. Lewis said and wrote something else down. “ You will also need immune boosters and vitamins. I’ll add those too. It’s very important that you take all of your pills on time. Okay ? “ Josh nodded with a quiet “Okay”

They’re told that it’s best for Josh to stay overnight, just to be sure everything’s fine with him.  Josh agrees, but doesn’t look too excited about staying at the hospital. His face light up a second later when he turned to Jess

“ Can I see Kevin ?  Please “ he said and looked back and forth between Jess and dr. Lewis who both looked sad all of a sudden. Tyler had  a bad feeling about it.

“ I’m sorry, Josh , you can’t see him “ Jess answered and put her hand on his shoulder

“ But .. I haven’t seen him in months and I promised him I’ll come by to visit him. Please, I won’t take long “ Josh all but begged the nurse who looked like she didn’t know what to say. 

“ Josh … Kevin passed away, I’m so sorry “  Jess said and Tyler’s heart completely fell to his stomach. He looked at Josh who sat stock still on the bed with a mixture of sadness and disbelief on his face.

“ He d-died ? “ Josh asked and blinked back what must’ve been tears “ Kevin ? M-my Kevin ? “ his voice was shaking and Tyler squeezed his hand even tighter, feeling devastated himself. He was hoping that the boy will win his fight with cancer and see greater future. He definitely deserved happiness after being abandoned by his parents at such young age and with this horrible disease threatening his life.  When will life stop being so unfair ?

“ I’m really sorry “ Jess said again and looked like she was about to cry herself.

Josh stayed quiet, but his eyes were filling with tears so quickly they would spill any moment.

“ I promised him I’ll v-visit “ Josh whispered and covered his face with both hands “ I should’ve came earlier. I- I –  I can’t believe he’s gone“

“ Come on, J , please don’t blame yourself. There isn’t anything you could’ve done “ Tyler sat down next to his upset friend and hugged him. “ I know it sucks , but this is how the world works. IT’s awful and  unfair, but we can’t do anything about it “ Tyler tried to calm Josh down who cried in his arms as quietly as possible.

Everyone else left the room, giving the two friends privacy. Josh didn’t stop saying that he should’ve come earlier , that he promised the kid, he promised Kevin he’ll come to the hospital and now it was too late.  Tyler was held him, but he was short on words. There wasn’t much he could say to make things better anyway. Another young life was wasted away and there wasn’t anything they could do about it.

Dr. Lewis came to Josh’s room later that day to ask him about the pain in his back and which according to the doctor has become chronic.

“ Unfortunately the severity of your spinal injury, combined with the lack of treatment for months and the multiple spinal trauma has led to the so called Chronic pain syndrome, known as CPS. “ the doctor said with serious voice. “ CPS is very serious condition and there aren’t many options for treatment.  I will advise you to go through another round of physical therapy for at least 3 more months , but you need to understand that the majority of your injury means … that you will be in pain all the time. Hopefully not in as much pain as you are right now, but it is not likely for the pain to go away completely. “  Josh was looking out of the window while the doctor talked, nodding every once in a while to show that he listened. Tyler knew that his friend battled pain all the time, but to hear that it will never go away really hit him pretty hard. 

“ There’s no treatment for this syndrome ? “  Tyler asked with a sinking feeling in his stomach.

“ Like I said, there are options to increase his lifestyle and lessen the discomfort, but there isn’t treatment that can completely cure it. “

“ How about painkillers ? “

“ Painkillers are only temporary solution, Tyler. Josh can’t stay on strong painkillers for too long, because it’s risky and in long term will do more damage than good.  “

“ So he’s just gonna be in pain all the time ? “ Tyler couldn’t believe they were telling him there’s nothing that can help Josh get rid of the pain that gripped him all the time.

“ Massages can help. Cold cloths and ice applied on his back can help too. There are painkilling creams I can suggest as well, they might help lessen the pain for a while. “

“ I’ll be fine, Ty , don’t worry “ Josh said when the doctor finished talking “ I mean I can walk on my own and feed myself and take showers by myself.  It’s all I’ve been dreaming about for months and I am doing better now. Let’s just focus on that okay ? “ and of course Josh was trying to stay positive and strong for Tyler who has always been the weak one and now he feels so fragile he could fall apart by the weakest wind blow.

“ I hate seeing you in pain “ Tyler admitted and felt Josh’s hand pat his shoulder.

“ I hate seeing you so sad “ Josh answered and smiled softly at Tyler.  This smile was the most prescious thing in the world and it never failed to make the singer feel happy and content.

“ I’m sad because you’re in pain and I can’t do anything “

“ You’re already helping me more than you’ll ever know “ Josh answered and Tyler hoped with all of his heart it was true.

**

When Josh was discharged the next morning he felt relieved and happy to go home. Dr. Lewis told him he’s okay to fly, but only if he follows all of the advices given by the doctor. Stay hydrated, eat , take his pills and have as much rest as possible. His only kidney was working fine for now which was good news, but he needed to take his pills and eat healthy in order to keep it that way.

Mark busied himself with booking flights to LA and Jenna took it on herself to get all of the baggage ready. Josh was both nervous and excited. Going out was still something scary and stressful for him and showing up in a public place made him feel anxious and worried. He didn’t want to draw any attention and the thought of being spotted and asked questions made him feel sick.

But he promised himself he will do this so there was no turning back . Scared or not he was going to travel and visit the person who saved his life in more than one way. He owed dr. Morgan that much and a lot more. The pain of Kevin’s death still weighted down on him and kept him awake many nights, wondering if there was someone to hold his little hand while he was dying. He framed the picture drawn by the sick boy and hung it on the wall just above his bed , where him, Tyler and Kevin were all holding hands and smiling. It made him cry almost every time he looked at it. Kevin would always have a special place in his heart.

Leaving home was emotional and difficult for Josh who still remembered the day he left a year ago and the memories of that day plagued him and made him feel scared and uneasy. This time he wasn’t going anywhere dangerous and Tyler would be there with him all the time, but the fear of leaving and not coming back was fresh and real. He hugged his parents more than once before he left, promising to call them and keep them updated all the time. Debby hugged him for so long it felt like they weren’t ever letting go and asked him to promise her to be brave. Josh promised, kissing her forehead and wiping her face from the tears that fell there.  God he didn’t want to leave the people he loved, but this was something he  _had_ to do.

Hope got her share of kisses and cuddles too and spent the last couple of hours in Josh’s lap being showered with attention. The flight was a late night one so before leaving everyone gathered for a big dinner to send Josh, Tyler and Mark off.  Josh didn’t want to leave, but as the same time he couldn’t wait to see dr. Morgan and give her the biggest hug ever.  He hoped she wasn’t alone and had someone to help her through the worst of the days. He understood her and knew far too well how it feels to lose something as vital as a body part.  Losing his ability to drum felt like having both arms severed away, even though there were still at their place. She would probably never be a doctor again and Josh would probably never be a drummer again and that loss connected them in a huge way.

Josh spent about an hour choosing what to wear and getting dressed, not liking anything he wore. His body was far from what it used to be before and most of his clothes hung from his thin frame.  He made sure every inch of his body was covered so that none of his scars were visible, even his fingers were clothed in gloves.  Mark even gave him his scarf , because Josh owed none , but didn’t want to leave his neck and throat exposed. The marks there were far too visible for his comfort.

Tyler wasn’t around while Josh was getting dressed and came back about an hour later with a plastic bag in his hand and completely out of breath.

“ Josh, remember how I promised you I’ll dye your hair in my favorite color ? “ Tyler asked, still slightly out of breath, holding the plastic bag out for Josh to open. There really was hair dye inside and the color of it made Josh grin.

“ You’re gonna dye my hair yellow ? Now ? “ Josh asked and smiled when Tyler nodded enthusiastically.

“ Yep. And you’re gonna look absolutely great, come on “ Tyler exclaimed and led Josh to the bathroom. They didn’t have much time so they hurried, splashing yellow all over the sink and a bit on the tiles. The color was vibrant and literally  _glowed_. Josh absolutely loved it.

“ Dude this is sick “ he said when Tyler finally rinsed his hair and dried it with a towel. “ I thought you were kidding about dying my hair yellow “ Josh chuckled and kept staring at the bright color.

“ You know how seriously I take this responsibility , right ? “ Tyler joked and ran his hands through the freshly dyed hair “ It looks absolutely sick. You look as good as new , J. I don’t know why you’re so worried about being seen. “

“ I- I don’t want to be the center of attention, Ty. I don’t know if I can handle it just yet “ Josh admitted and shivered at the thought of being recognized and bombarded with questions.

“ I’ll be right by your side, don’t worry. If anyone wants to get to you, they’ll have to go through me first “ this made Josh giggle, because his friend was as threatening as a Chihuahua, but that definitely didn’t mean he can’t bite if he has to protect Josh.

“ You’re my hero “ Josh said and laughed, closing his eyes when he heard Tyler laugh too.

“ No, you are mine “ Tyler said quietly while looking at Josh’s reflection in the mirror. “ And you will always be “

“ Thanks for dying my hair. And for being the best friend in the world, Ty. I don’t know how I’d survive all of this if it wasn’t for you “ Josh couldn’t help but admit, feeling emotional all over again. It’s been such a long road, first surviving the hell of captivity and then walking the long road of recovery. But thanks to Tyler and all of his friends he made it and there weren’t any words in any language on Earth for josh to express how grateful he was.

“ Well it’s my duty as your best friend to keep your hair freshly dyed and your spirits high “ Tyler answered and laughed, a sound Josh could listen to all day long, every day for the rest of his life.

“Wanna do the handshake ? “ Josh asked and turned around to face Tyler. “ It’s been well over a year since we did it last. I think I might’ve forgotten it “ Tyler laughed at that and smiled

“ No you didn’t “ Tyler ran a hand through the freshly yellow hair and then helped Josh stand up. “ Our handshake is too epic to forget “ he added and they both laughed.

They did the handshake and Tyler was absolutely right – he could never forget it. It goes as smoothly as the first time they did it 5 years ago and when they hug Josh feels more at home than ever. He didn’t let Tyler go straight away and the other man didn’t hurry to let go either. It could’ve been awkward, standing in the middle of the bathroom and hugging like that, but between the two friends nothing felt awkward anymore.

“ I’m scared “ Josh said after a couple of minutes in silent hugging

“ I know. Me too “ Tyler answered and hugged Josh tighter. “ We’ll be okay though”

“Yeah, we’ll be okay “

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man this was a pretty difficult chapter to write. Hopefully it was okay though. Let me know what you think ? I know it takes me longer to write chapters lately , but my health has been all over the place and I can't really gather my thoughts too well. I'm sorry if this was messy.
> 
> I was thinking about making a playlist for this fic. What do you guys think ? There are so many songs that inspired me to write this fic I wanted to share them with you guys.
> 
> I am opened for prompts and suggestions. I'd love to write something on request - I've never done that before, but it sounds pretty fun :))
> 
> My tumblr is ---- > i-m-a-goner-takeitslow.tumblr.com


	40. I began to understand Why God died

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some of you might find this heavy and difficult to read. It was sure as hell difficult to write. I know it's been a while , but I wanted for this chapter to come out right which I think it did in the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a scene, written in italics that contains graphic description of violence and might be pretty unpleasant to read for some of you. There's also brief mention of suicidal thoughts so if you're sensitive to that - be careful. This chapter is dark, but if you read carefully you might see the hopeful undertone there :) Enjoy !

Tyler knew that the whole ordeal with traveling to a different state would be difficult for Josh , but when they got to the airport and prepared to go on board the world difficult sounded like a child’s play. When they got off the cab that drove them there Josh completely shrunk in on himself and refused to take off his hood even when they entered the airport. He was wearing a beanie underneath and a scarf that Mark has given him which of course must’ve been pretty uncomfortable since the temperature inside was warm enough to wear a single t-shirt. Still Josh refused to shed any piece of clothing. They didn’t come through the main entrance and used the VIP one, to draw as little attention as possible and stayed at the VIP lounge, as far away from everyone else as possible and yet Josh couldn’t stop panicking.

Afraid his friend will boil in so many clothing Tyler would give him water every now and then and asked if he wanted to take off the scarf or the beanie at least. The answer was always a head shake or a quiet no. The airport was giving the singer anxiety as well, reminding him of that awful day a year and a half ago when he stood at the gate and waved Josh goodbye. He doubted he’ll ever forget that day or get rid of the guilt that came with that memory. He let Josh go on his own, sent him off to the most dangerous place on Earth and lost him. A part of his best friend was lost forever, never to return and it hurt Tyler to the very core to see Josh bite his nails and scratch his wrists raw out of anxiety. 

When they announced that the place takes off in 30 minutes Tyler took the anxious drummer to the bathroom to make sure he’s still okay to fly.  He took Josh’s hood off and gasped at how sweaty and pale his friend looked.

“ Jesus, Josh ! You’re soaking wet, why didn’t you take at least the beanie off ? “ Tyler asked and immediately busied himself with wetting a couple of paper towels to wash his friend’s face.

“ ‘m cold “ Josh mumbled and wrapped his arms around himself as if to prove his point

“ You’re sweating , how can you be cold ? “ Tyler wiped Josh’s face with the wet towel and felt the tremors run up and down the drummer’s body.  He wasn’t lying about being cold.

“ I’m n-nervous, Ty “ he mumbled and pulled his beanie off to help Tyler along. His now vibrant yellow hair was messy and tangled, hidden for way too long underneath the beanie. Tyler smoothed it and applied some water too, just to cool Josh off a little.

“ Are you okay to fly ? We can change our tickets to another flight, it’s no big deal “

“ No, no I want to fly, I really want to “ Josh said, his voice shaking in unison with his body “ I’ll be fine , I promise “

Tyler didn’t believe him , but he nodded and continued washing the sweat off Josh’s face and neck.  It didn’t make sense for him to be cold with all of the layers of clothing on and Tyler felt uneasy and anxious. What if Josh was sick ? What if they were risking his health ?

Both Mark and Tyler decided it was better to give Josh sleeping pills so he could at least get some rest on the plain and Josh didn’t protest, he must’ve been too exhausted. When they settled into their seats, Tyler gave the drummer his pills and held his hand until they worked. The soft snoring sounds gave Tyler comfort and he could finally take a proper breath. Who knew this would be so hard ?

Taking advantage of the fact that Josh is sleeping, Tyler unzipped his jacket and took his beanie off, along with the scarf and the gloves. It was way too hot to wear so many clothes and it couldn’t have been comfortable in them.  And still he could feel Josh shake in his seat , his body jerking up and down, side to side no matter how many clothes he wore.

He exchanged worried look with Mark and silently prayed that they make it to LA safe and sound. This was important to Josh and if something went wrong it would no doubt crush him emotionally. They couldn’t let it happen, not now when the drummer was fragile and still recovering.

Tyler didn’t sleep, he held Josh’s hand instead while his brain went through all of the possible scenarios of what could happen. What if dr. Morgan’s physical state triggers something bad in Josh’s memories and instead of helping him it makes things worse ? What if Josh got worse and went mute or experienced bad panic attacks ? What if his health got worse ? What if dr. Morgan was too sick ?

When Josh woke up hours later his eyes looked more clear and the tremor almost left his body.  He smiled at Tyler who couldn’t believe how a simple smile could feel like it can resolve all of his problems. He felt relieved to see his friend back to somewhat normal , but he couldn’t help but worry.

When the plane landed Josh wrapped himself back in all of the clothes he had and kept biting his nails all the way from the gate to the taxi that waited for them outside the VIP exit. Tyler knew that some people recognized them, because Mark and him didn’t try to hide like Josh did, but surprisingly enough everyone was respectful and didn’t make a move to stop them or take pictures.  People stared at them as they exited the airport and when they got to the car Josh was out of breath and his face was scrunched up in pain.

“ Hey, you doing okay ? “ Tyler asked and Josh nodded, still wincing. He just got off Morphine and went through a three week rehab that was supposed to help him live without the drug, but the pain Josh was in was still too much. Tyler didn’t know how the drummer handled it on daily basis, but he could only imagine how difficult it was.  Josh has always been one of those people who never burden others with his own suffering. He took everything quietly and almost never complained, except for those times when things got unbearable.  This made it even more difficult for Tyler who sometimes whished Josh would just scream and shout instead of keeping all of that inside.

“ I’ll be fine, don’t worry “ Josh answered and smiled, hiding the wince that decorated his face a second ago. Tyler desperately wished that was true, but he knew the truth – Josh was holding himself together for Tyler’s sake.  He always has.

When they arrived in LA it was still night, so they headed to Josh’s apartment to get some proper sleep and rest.  Mark went to bed while Tyler stayed awake and waited for Josh to take a shower, in order to give him his pills and help him go to bed. 

It always gave him anxiety when Josh went into the bathroom, because even after all this time and therapy Josh was still terrified of water. He has been drowned, choked and electrocuted while soaked with water so many times it always brought back painful memories.  Tyler knew that. They’ve talked about Josh’s fears and what scares him the most and the water was on the top of the list.  It was followed by darkness, hearing dogs bark, loud clanging noises and doors being opened. The list was quite long and Josh added something new almost every day, but Tyler memorized it perfectly. He had to know what could trigger Josh into panic and how to protect him.

This was new though. Josh wasn’t panicking or having an anxiety attack.  His heartbeat was rapid and pupils dilated, skin sweaty and mouth dry.  Tyler thought he might be sick or running a fever, but everything looked fine,  he wasn’t hot to the touch and his body temperature was fine. But he wasn’t really fine at all.

As the night progressed the symptoms got worse , bringing stomach and muscle cramps that made Josh restless.  Tyler could literally _see_ his muscles cramping and if the sight was painful he could only imagine what it felt like going through this for hours.

He woke up Mark at about 5 am, scared that something bad was happening to Josh and they both decided to call Dr. Lewis , despite how early it was. The doctor, bless him, picked up almost immediately and listened to Tyler’s worried rambling.

“ Morphine  withdrawal “ dr. Lewis said with a sight , making Tyler’s heart hurt deep inside his chest.  “ I was really hoping that Josh’s body is going to get used to the lack of drugs without experiencing the worst of the symptoms, but I guess it was a naïve thought. After all he’s spent months on painkillers that affected the way his nerve receptors work. These receptors became dependent upon the drug to function and now that he doesn’t take the drugs anymore withdrawal is  the body’s physical response to the absence of the drug. “ Mark was plastered to the phone to hear what the doctor was saying and his face was mirroring perfectly how Tyler felt. Helpless.  Heartbroken. Terrified.  How much did Josh have to suffer before he could finally recover from this hell and move on with his life  ?

“ Can we do something ? “ Tyler asked, because his throat was closing in on itself and he couldn’t get out all of the questions that choked him.  “ How long will this withdrawal last ? “ , “Will he ever be okay again without the painkillers ? “  , “ Is Josh addicted to drugs ? “ and so on.  The answer to those questions scared him too much to ask.

“ Not much, unfortunately. Make sure he drinks plenty of water and has enough rest. You can get him Clonidine to ease the anxiety , cramping, sweating and the muscle aches. It’s going to be uncomfortable , but he’s a strong young man who has been through worse. I believe he’s going to push through this “ the doctor said , probably sensing Tyler’s panic and attempting to comfort him. 

Mark ran to the first pharmacy that opens up early in the morning and bought Clonidine while Tyler stayed with Josh to make sure he’s drinking enough water and feels somewhat comfortable. They ended up taking about how Josh survived and kept his sanity during the terrifying days in captivity.

“ I don’t think I did ,really “ Josh admitted “ I mean I often have to stop and make sure that what I’m seeing is real or the sounds that I hear and not just a product of my mind. It’s scary not knowing what’s real and what’s not . “

It does sound scary. No, it sounds terrifying, being stranded in this world of constant doubt and fear. In the quiet that followed Tyler tried to imagine not being able to tell illusion from reality. Not knowing if Josh or Mark were really there. Not being sure whether the voice that screams in his ears is real or a terrible memory coming back to haunt him.  Not sure that when he wakes up he will still be in his bed and not in the tiny awful cell. With very little effort his life rapidly turned into a nightmare. A nightmare Josh has to live with every single day.

“ I think you’re doing pretty good considering what you went through “ Tyler said and tried to come up with better words to make Josh feel at least a little bit better, but failed.

“ I’m a wreck, Ty “ Josh answered without looking up at his friend “ They wrecked me.  I don’t think there’s much of me left after what they did to me.  I keep waiting and hoping that things will get better, that the nightmares and visions will go away, but …. “ Josh shook his head and wiped his eyes where tears have formed once again. “ I don’t know how much longer I can wait. .. I don’t know Tyler,  I feel myself slipping and there isn’t anything I can do. I …  I look at myself in the mirror and I see nothing. The person who was there a year and a half ago is gone. He’s gone “ it’s so heartbreaking hearing Josh say those words Tyler could physically feel his heart breaking piece by piece.

“ I can hear them scream right now “ Josh whispered and rested his head in both hands, rocking back and forth “ I can hear them beg … please stop, please kill me, please, please. please …. “  the last word was choked by a sob that Josh couldn’t contain. “ Please “ he said again , but this time it sounded like he was the one begging. Tyler didn’t know what to do, so he did the one thing he knew always helped when Josh felt sad or anxious. He leaned in and wrapped both arms around his friend’s shoulders, trying to help him perceive his sanity from fleeing completely. He was praying that Mark would come back soon with the pills, because if he had to witness Josh fall apart in his arms for much longer he wasn’t sure he could hold it together himself.

“ I know you can’t see yourself for who you really are, but I can ,J . You’re the kind and brilliant person I met 6 years ago and no matter how many bad or terrible things happen to you ,that will never change. I see the kindness in your eyes every time you look at me and that , Josh … that’s something nobody can take away from you. “ Josh just sobbed harder in return and clutched onto Tyler.  Nobody should go through something like this. Nobody should feel so empty and broken, Tyler wouldn’t even wish it upon his worst enemies.

“ I can’t drum a-anymore. I can’t h-have kids, I will never be a father .. “ Josh choked out in between pained sobs and if there was still something left of Tyler’s heart, there , in that moment it completely fell apart.  He didn’t know that Josh couldn’t have kids anymore and he didn’t have the emotional strength to ask what was done to his friend to get him to this point.  All he knew is that Josh would have been the best father ever and that taking that away from him was cruel and unforgivable.

Tyler would often imagine himself years later, after their band retired and they both settled, how their kids would become best friends and grow up together. How Josh’s future daughter or son would inherit his dimples and his eyes and all of the kindness in them.  _Not anymore. He will never pass his softness, his courage to the next generation. When his light winks out one day, he won’t be leaving a piece of himself for the next generations._  Lonely. Tyler felt lonely.

There’s very little a person can say in this kind of situation so Tyler stayed quiet and let Josh take out all of the pain and sadness that has been building inside of him. He could only imagine how it felt to lose those two impossibly important things and carry that around with him every single day of his life.

Later, when Mark came back and brought Clonidine and coffee with him , Josh finally managed to fall asleep. The pills relieved some of the symptoms, even though he told Tyler he was freezing, despite the comfortably warm temperature in the apartment. Tyler lay with him in bed until the drugs lulled him to sleep. When the soft snoring finally indicated that Josh wasn’t awake , Tyler got up from his bed and locked himself in the bathroom, finally allowing himself to be weak and fall apart. He cried. He wept and cursed God and the Universe for doing this to his best friend.  The need to feel physical pain got so strong he had to clutch his fingers in fists to stop himself from doing something stupid like cut his own skin off.  He wanted to hurt himself, to do at least something that would make him forget how fucked up his life has become and how scared he was to face another day.

Sometime along the way Mark knocked on the door to tell him he’s going to nap for a bit and ask him if he wanted something. Tyler didn’t answer him, because he couldn’t speak and even if he could he’d say something stupid like “ I want to die “ or “ I want to drain the blood out of my veins “ or something of that sort.

He didn’t crawl out of the bathroom until hours later, when he heard choked up noises coming from the bedroom. The rapid breathing, the fearful noises, the screeching of the bed, they all meant one thing. Josh was having another nightmare. Or did they ever really end ? Tyler didn’t know.

 

 

_He’s on fire. The agony that keeps burning him doesn’t quiet down or relent. It burns, scorches him alive, drives him insane. He doesn’t know where he is nor is he even alive after what they did to him, to his right arm, to his once beautifully painted right arm. It’s now a painful and raw mess of meat and blood. Painful. Agonizing. Burning. God it hurts. Josh wants to black out and stop feeling every single existing cell in his stripped off skin burn with agony, but he’s still awake. Not completely, but his brain works well enough to know that he’s in excruciating pain._

_He could be agonizing there for hours or days, because time has completely lost its concept. Sometimes it quiets down to a low hum and other times it blinds him with intensity. He can’t move, because even the tiniest blow of wind makes his brain explode from the pain that comes with it.  He doesn’t eat or drink, because that would mean moving around which is unbearable._

_Josh can hear sounds, speech , words that make no sense to him. Someone touches him and sends him into a swirl of pain and makes him try to jerk away. His bleeding , raw arm is being touched and Josh silently screams, abused and broken vocal cords straining to make a sound, but nothing comes out.  It hurts, but whoever touches him doesn’t seem to care. He’s being pulled up into a sitting position , hands stretched above his head and Josh would be wailing if he could make a sound. But he can’t. He can hear though and whoever is tying his hands together with a wire **laughs**. Someone finds his suffering funny. Someone laughs and pokes him in the raw meat of his hand and laughs even harder when Josh’s body spasms from the pain._

_Then he can smell smoke, someone is smoking right next to him, the thick cloud of burned cigarettes blown in his face. More laughter comes, followed by explosion of pain that makes Josh let out an animalistic kind of sound. His hand burns , hurts, twists with pain when something hot is being pushed inside the wounded flesh. Someone is sticking their cigarette right into his wounded arm while it’s still lit up._

_Crying. Josh is crying. If he thought he’s been hurt before it was nothing compared to this. He can’t see from how much it hurts, he can only hear his torturers laugh and talk about how funny this is. His raw flesh Is being abused further and Josh doesn’t know how long he can stand this. He’s crying and would be begging if he had the voice to do it. It doesn’t stop, doesn’t end for hours, maybe days._

_When it does end, it leaves a white hot agony in its wake. His entire right arm is a bleeding mess of stripped off skin and burned flesh. Nothing else exists in the world but that terrifyingly mind numbing pain. Maybe this is when he finally dies. Maybe this will finish him off and spare him more pain that’s no doubt about to come. How long has he been in this dark and cold cell ? Months ? Years ? Did he even have a life before he ended up chained up in this tiny unforgiving prison ? Josh doesn’t know. He doesn’t remember anything but fear, pain , hunger and terror. People screaming, yelling, dying. Blood being spilled. Bodies being mutilated and tortured. Sounds of people dying.  That’s all he knows, that’s all his life is now._

_At some point the pain becomes the only thing that reminds Josh that he’s alive. That’s the only way he can tell he’s still here, he’s still existing. Nobody comes into his cell for days. No food. No water. No more torture. Silence. Darkness. Cold. Pain. Nothing. There’s nothing else left._

_His body slowly gives into the nothingness and the painful hunger turns into emptiness. There’s probably not much left of him but a bag of bones and bodily fluids. He’ll soon evaporate into the air and stop existing at all. Nobody will even  notice. Did his family know he was being held captive ? Did Tyler know ? Or did he simply stop existing at one point ? He’s too tired to ponder on those questions. Besides it doesn’t really matter anymore. He’s going to die from starvation or thirst, drowning in his own filth or vomit. It’s better if they don’t know. It’s better if they forget._

_After over a week of being all alone, wondering back and forth between life and death ,  someone walks in and makes Josh shake all over with the last bits of strength he has left.  Did his captors come back to finish him ? Torture him until he loses his mind ? The fear fuels his body with the strength to try and pull away from the unwanted painful touch but of course he stands zero chance._

_Someone lifts him up from the ground and the tears are running freely down his cheeks, because everything hurts. His bones, his skin, his insides, everything is in pain. **Don’t** m he’s trying to beg  , **don’t touch me, don’t hurt me** , but his inability to talk sticks the words to the walls of his throat with no chance of coming out. _

_Something is being wrapped around him, sticking to his exposed and bleeding flesh and it **hurts**. Everything afterwards is a blur of movements, sounds and motions. His eyes are closed, but he’s still blinded by the light. They must be taking him outside, because the air is different too. It’s not damp and heavy with the smell of death and human waste anymore. It’s hot and thick, but it’s **air.** Are they taking him to another camp ? Or maybe the will chain him up to the metal post outside and leave him there to die. _

_More speaking, more moving, he’s being placed somewhere and then the ground is moving, rocking underneath, making the pain in his body explode all over again. **Just let me die, leave me alone to die**  Josh thinks, feeling the hot tracks of fresh tears on his face. _

_He’s being moved again and this time it’s too much. He can’t take it, his body is too weak, too overloaded with pain to go on. Josh doesn’t even try to hold on to consciousness. The darkness finally pulls him back to its cold embrace._

_" Josh" ? – someone is saying his name - "can you hear me ? Josh ? " it doesn’t make any sense and he’s probably delusional from the blood loss and starvation. Nobody called him Josh back **there.**_

_"Josh !" - the voices are still saying his name, more gently this time - "It's ok, you're ok. Josh, everything is all right, you're safe. You need to calm down, ok ? You're safe, no one is going to hurt you " safe. What does that even mean ? How can he be safe ? He’s never safe. Never._

_His heart beats fast in his chest, not knowing whether to believe the soothing voice or run away from it. But run where ? There’s nowhere to go , nowhere to hide._

_Someone touches his hand and his eyes finally shoot open, immediately being blinded by the brightness that surrounds him. He wants to pull away, to tell whoever’s touching him not to do it, but his voice is useless._

_Next to him, crouching near where he’s laying is a woman. Her eyes are wide opened, dark and looking both scared and concerned. Her hands reach out to Josh , but she’s not touching him. Everything is blurry and unfocused, making him dizzy._

_" You are in a hospital, Josh. I promise you no one means harm here. We all want to help you. You're safe here ok ? You're ok " the female voice keeps speaking soothing words and Josh helplessly relaxes against what feels like a bed. IT feels like decades since he slept in a real bed._

_Is he okay ?. Is he safe ? Is he finally free ? More tears make their way down his face and he wants to wipe them off, but his hands are made of lead. Absolutely useless , just like the rest of him. So he lies back and tries to focus on the female’s voice that speaks soothing words into his ear._

_“My name is Dr. Morgan. You are in a field hospital just outside the town of Samnu, central Syria. You were rescued from a pensioner camp you've been held at against your will by the Ansar al-Sharia terrorist group. I know it's a lot to handle right now and you're probably tired and confused, but I need to know how bad are your injuries. Is that ok ? “_

_Nothing is okay at the moment while his brain tries to make out what’s real and what’s not , but he nods anyway and sees a small smile form on the doctor’s face._

_“ You’re safe here, Josh. The worst is over. You’re going home very soon. “ Safe. Home. The worst is over. It’s over._

_He doesn’t know who this woman is or whether he can trust her, but something inside of him tells him that he can. Before the pain consumes him again Josh mouths one word, hoping she’ll understand it somehow. **Thank you.**_

****

The shaking arms that embraced him when he woke up screaming couldn’t have belonged to anyone else but Tyler, his best friend who despite all of the terrible things Josh has put him through stayed by his side.  His hugs have always been there to calm Josh down, to promise him everything will be okay and remind him that he’s safe.

“ Hey hey, it’s okay, you were dreaming “ Tyler’s voice came from close behind his ear and Josh tried to relax his lungs so they could take a proper breath. His throat felt dry and sore, probably from screaming in his sleep and he felt instantly guilty. Tyler must’ve had a terrible night thanks to him.

“ S-sorry “ Josh muttered and pressed himself closer to his friend while the dream still lingered in his memory.  Those last weeks in captivity were so unbearable he has been trying not to remember them or think about them at all. But now that he’s about to meet the woman who helped him through some of the worst moments of his life he couldn’t help but go back there.  „ Did I keep you awake all night  ?” he asked when Tyler let him go to wipe the sweat off his forehead.

“ I couldn’t sleep anyway “ Tyler answered and opened Josh’s palm to drop a handful of pills inside. “ Take these okay ? Mark got us breakfast and after we eat we can go to the hospital. If you’re up to it of course  “

“ Thanks “ Tyler gave him a bottle of water and Josh swallowed his pills all at once, almost choking from how badly sore his throat was. Did he scream all night ? Did Tyler listen to him yell all night ? That thought made him sick. “ Seriously, was I loud last night ? “

“ Why ? Was the dream really bad ? “ Tyler answered him with a question on his own and looked worried and incredibly tired.

“ The last week or so was kind of a blur “ Josh said and stared at his scarred hands. His right hand was still hideous, but at least it wasn’t raw and bleeding anymore.  He’d spent months healing the wounds that were left there after his captors literally skinned him while he was still awake.  No matter how much time passed or how many surgeries he had, his hand would never look normal again.  “  They just .. left me there . With no food, no water and my hand was hurting so much I thought I’d die just from the pain “

“ But you made it. After all they’ve put you through you’re made it. And I’m so proud of you, Josh. So , so proud of you “ Josh didn’t feel proud, but the fact that Tyler did made him feel a little bit better. It was a mystery how he survived all of the torture , especially the last couple of months when his body was a starved, abused and riddled mess. He still made it.  For better or worse.

 

When they had breakfast and drank their coffee Mark called a cab that would take them to the hospital, Josh’s anxiety flared up all over again. He pulled on all the layers of clothes he had, even though it was a lot warmer outside than Columbus’s freezing January air. Someone could still spot him. His scars were far too visible for his comfort so he slip on the gloves and the scarf just in case. Mark and Tyler were throwing him worried glances , but didn’t object. His body was still aching and feeling itchy, but it was better than yesterday. Whatever pills Tyler have him were helping him feel somewhat better. He didn’t sweat as much, but the feeling of nausea and weakness were still gripping him hard.

Dr. Morgan didn’t know they were coming to visit so this was going to be a surprise.  The doctors were notified though , so when they arrived at the hospital a nurse greeted them and welcomed them inside.

Josh awkwardly took his hood off and looked around, feeling like everyone is staring at him. The hospital wasn’t crowded but there were people everywhere and the feeling of panic made his hands shake, clutched tightly into fists.  Mark and Tyler did most of the talking, but the doctors and nurses didn’t take their eyes off Josh. Of course they knew who he was and what happened to him, so they must’ve been interested in the medical side of the story.

“ Leticia is out of intensive care unit where she spent a little bit over three weeks. Her condition was quite severe, she lost a lot of blood and her leg was badly infected.  We had to amputate it from the hip down. Thankfully he’s doing better now and making a rather quick recovery. I’m pretty sure you want to see her, especially you , mr. Dun ? “  the doctor turned to Josh who blushed and looked away.

“ It’s Josh “ he said and tried to smile despite how anxious he felt from all of the people who looked at him. “ And yes,  I really want to see her. She saved my life “ 

“ Leticia told us a lot about you “ the other doctor said and smiled a sad, but warm smile “ She will be extremely happy to see you, Josh “

And oh how he wished the circumstances were different and she was not in a hospital bed, but sadly this was reality. Their roles were reversed now.

They all walked down to her room , but only Josh was let inside. The rest of them could see Leticia after Josh was done. Hospital rules.

The drummer’s heart was hammering in his chest and the pain in his back was making him sweat again. God he needed something stronger than those pills Tyler gave him this morning.  Was dr Morgan on Morphine ? No no what is he thinking ? He shouldn’t be thinking that. _Focus, Josh. Focus. This isn’t about you._

“ Josh you okay ? Do you want to sit down or something ? “  Tyler’s voice came behind him and reminded him he was standing in front of the hospital room’s door without walking .

“ No,  I’m fine “ he said and taking one last deep breath walked inside, closing the door behind him.

The smell of sterility and medication made Josh gag and instinctively put a hand over his mouth.  The fluorescent lights, the beeping, the hum of the machines. It was all too familiar, all too painful to remember.  He’d spent months m confined in a while sterile smelling room just like this one and going back to those memories was painful and unwanted. But he was here and he was doing it for someone who risked her life to save his.

Leticia opened her eyes , probably disturbed by the sound of door being opened and directed them  towards Josh who stood frozen to his spot in front of the door. She looked familiar , dark and kind eyes casted on him,  dark brown  almost black hair framing her face which looked a lot thinner than he could remember.  

The sharp intake of breath indicated that she recognized him. Her eyes widened , lips turning into a welcoming smile while she sat up.

“ Josh ? Oh my God, is that really you ?”  and God her voice was still the same. It was one of the few things that helped Josh hang on to reality when his body was giving up. Even when he couldn’t properly see her , her voice was always there to tell him he’s okay.

“ Yeah, it’s me “ he answered, still frozen, unsure what to do or say.  “ Hey “  he added and smiled when her face lit up with happiness

“ Oh my God ! You look so good, come here,  don’t just stand there “she laughed and motioned him to come over closer .

Josh did. He walked the couple of steps to her bed, trying to hide the limp in his legs and the wince on his face. When he was finally close enough to reach for her, he opened his arms for embrace which she accepted with enthusiasm that almost knocked him back.  She hugged him tightly and so did he, feeling himself tearing up from the emotions that flooded him.

“ I still can’t believe you’re actually here. I’m so happy to see you , Josh, I’m so happy right now “

“ Me too “ Josh said, holding onto her, almost as if letting go would take him back to that dark and lonely cell. “ I’ve wanted to do this for months “

“ Me too , I’ve been so worried about you. And oh my God, your voice ! “ she exclaimed and laughed , reminding Josh that he couldn’t speak when they met.

The let go after long moments of hugging and Josh can finally see her clearly. She looks tired, but beautiful, noble even. Now that he can see clearly he notices how long her eye lashes are and how deep her eyes seem when he looks inside of them.  Her face beams with happiness and she can’t stop smiling, making Josh smile too.

“ You look great ! Look at you “ she reached out and traced his face with her hand “ I can’t believe how well you’ve recovered. How are you doing ? “

Josh smiled and blushed, because quite clearly he wasn’t ‘t looking great, but Leticia’s words did feel good to hear.

“ I’m doing well. Recovery took a while, but I’m better now. Thanks to you. “ he said and felt himself tear up again.  „ You literally saved my life. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for your help “

Leticia hugged him again and kept saying how good he looked and how strong he was for making it through all of that horror. When they both came down a little ,they could finally talk properly. Josh asked her about how she was coping and what happened back in Syria. She told him about the bombing, how the attack destroyed their field hospital and killed hundreds. She kept on aiding the wounded while the bombs rained down on them, until one detonated a few feet away from her, wounding her pretty badly. She was one of the few who survived the attack. Most of the field doctors lost their lives there. 

Josh held her hand while she spoke and her story made him feel both sad and proud of her for making it. It takes a pretty strong character to hold your ground and keep helping those who need it despite the fear of getting killed herself.  She also had burn marks and scars all over her neck and forearms which made Josh want to take off his jacked and show her his scars. So that she doesn’t feel bad about hers.

He did that eventually, took off his gloves and jacket, feeling like she was the only person who could understand what it’s like for him to live with all of the evidence of abuse all over his body.

“ You gained some weight “ she remarked with a huge smile while inspecting his skin with gentle fingers. Her hand stopped at the sleeve of his right hand and he nodded , giving her silent permission to see what’s left of the skin there. She rolled his sleeve as carefully as she did the first time back at the field hospital and traced the landscape of scars there

“ Your arm looks a lot better. Does it still hurt ? “  she asked and Josh shook his head

“ Not really. It’s a bit tender , but doesn’t really hurt anymore “ 

“ I seriously can’t believe how good you look. I was praying for you every day since the moment you were loaded on that truck and taken to Damask. I guess God heard my prayers “

Josh wanted to say that he’s not as fine as he seems, that he’s in pain 24/7 and his mind isn’t as healed as his body, but he doesn’t.  Instead they talk about their lives before they fell apart and Josh ended up showing her videos of his favorite performances with Tyler. In return she shows him photos of her younger brother who’s studying photography and her little sister who wants to be a doctor, just like her. It’s bittersweet and sad at the same time, talking about the lives that they used to have and the dreams they’ve lost. Leticia was planning to go back home and study for pediatric surgeon after years spent on the field as an emergency doctor. Her dream was to help kids, but now … it was just a dream. 

And Josh …. He felt like he lost everything after losing his ability to drum  ,which is something only people like Leticia could understand. His friends often told him that he’s young and he could do so many things, find something else that would make him happy, create a new dream for himself to chase. But the truth was that drumming was his life, his shelter from the world and all of the bad things it brought. He has been doing it since he was 13 and now he had absolutely no clue what to do.

“ I’ve started writing things down, as sort of a therapy “ dr. Morgan told him , reaching underneath her pillow to retrieve a notebook and a pen. “ After I was diagnosed with PTDS my psychiatrist suggested that when things got rough I tried to remember good things that happened during my work as a doctor and write them down.  I was surprised at how many good deeds were done around me, even while the war was raging. How people , strangers helped each other.  How even enemies can become brothers when they end up in the same bad circumstances that war forces upon people. I started writing all of those things down and look “ she opened the notebook to show Josh it was already half written “ look at how many good things happened. It’s not all bad, Josh. It’s not all terrible and painful, I’ve learned that. Even in the darkest moments you can find hope, find light. “

With shaking hands Josh went through the journal like it was made of dust and would fall apart from the slightest blow of wind.  Leticia was right, the pages were filled with stories of people who didn’t survive, but left a trace of kindness after them. Simple gestures like sharing your food with someone you called an enemy a day ago. Giving your clothes to someone who’s cold despite being cold yourself. Praying with someone who belongs to a different religion, but _needs_ someone to pray with them. It went on and on and on until he reached the last page of the notebook where a simple sentence written down with a shaky hand took his breath away.

The words belonged to a 13 year old girl who was rescued from a destroyed building where she survived the vicious bombings and spent the following weeks all alone, with her family killed , no food , no water, no hope.  Trapped in the darkness all alone. Just like Josh.

He read the words over and over again, goosebumps rising on his skin, blood freezing in his veins. She said exactly what Josh felt :

_“Never shall I forget that nocturnal silence which deprived me, for all eternity, of the desire to live. Never shall I forget those moments which murdered my God and my soul and turned my dreams to dust. Never shall I forget these things, even if I am condemned to live as long as God Himself. Never."_

Never.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The quote I used at the end is something that stuck with me all my life. It belongs to a Holocaust survivor and I can't remember their name, but I sure as hell will never forget their words. 
> 
> I was "shaking hands with the dark parts of my thoughts" last night when I wrote most of this chapter.  
> I'd love to hear what you think |-/  
> Stay alive guys


	41. Broken people

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone :)) I'm kind of back , after a long break from writing that I needed to take since my health has gotten worse over the past few months. I'm sorry for leaving you hanging like this.
> 
> I'm posting this update for you to read, while I'm working on the next chapter. This chapter is a memory and takes place a couple of months after Josh has been captured. It's pretty graphic , so you might want to be careful reading it. The warnings are for blood, torture and violence. I hope you enjoy this little update and I' sorry again for making you wait so long. I hope you didn't give up on me while I was away <3

In the quiet hours of the day , when Josh Is left all alone with his pain and his thoughts he hears melodies and voices , most of them belonging to Tyler or his mom. Drum beats, guitar solos, soft piano notes that touch his heart in a way he can’t even explain. Some of the melodies and sounds are familiar and others are random and strange, yet very vivid and so unbearably real.

Music always finds its way into Josh’s heart, no matter how much pain is nestled there. He taps on the metal bars with shaking fingers whenever no guards can be seen or hums melodies of songs he used to perform every night. He can’t remember particular words or instrumental parts, his brain too clouded with pain and despair, but still, somehow deep inside he still holds remains of those songs.  They make his fingers dance across the cold concrete walls ,  silently defying the desperation of his current situation. Leaning his head against the cold wall, Josh whispers lyrics into the concrete and tries to hold on to the words that leave his mouth.  _I am cold. Can you hear ?_  Dead silence. Josh Is so cold he feels it deep in his bones.  _I will fly with no hope no fear._ No hope. There’s no hope for him, no salvation, no redemption. He’s doomed.  _No fear._  But he’s scared. Just as much as he’s cold, because he can feel it in his bones too.  The fear dominates his waking hours and bring nightmares in his sleep.  _No fear._  Is he scared he will die or maybe he’s more terrified he won’t ?  _Peace will win, fear will lose_. His cracked lips hurt when he forms the words, but it sparks something deep in his chest.  _Peace will win._  Tears fill his eyes, but he keeps whispering, his warm breath tickling the freezing concrete.  _Fear will lose. Fear will lose_. Squeezing his eyes, Josh keeps repeating those three words, afraid he will lose his hold on reality if he stops saying them.  _Fear will lose._ It won’t win. Not if Josh fights it, not if he’s stronger than the fear that rattles his bones.

Footsteps snap him back to reality harshly. Fresh wave of terror sweeps through him and makes his teeth clatter.  _Peace will win. Peace will win. Peace will ---_  Josh whispers frantically , but his mouth clamps shut when his cell door screeches loudly and snaps open. Two men enter the room and go straight to his hunched up form, yanking him up harshly from the ground. Josh shudders and folds in on himself as much as he can while the two guards uncuff him from the wall.  Resistance is absolutely pointless at this point, so he lets himself be dragged down the musky smelling hallway and up the stairs. Leading outside.

Both fear and relief flood him while he’s being lead out of his underground prison. Maybe today is the day he will be executed. Maybe they are tired of torturing him or running out of ideas how to hurt him even more. Are they going to hang him in the center of the camp, strangled by a rope around his neck, fighting for breath ? Is he going to be shot with a rifle while he’s blindfolded,  just like he’s seen them do it to so many other prisoners ?

Or maybe he will get another public flogging or beating? Are they taking him to the dog’s den ? These thoughts swirl in Josh’s head while he stumbles down the dusty path under his feet, blinded by the bright sun he hasn’t seen in what must be months. The heat hits him like an invisible wall and makes him choke on himself. The contrast with the damp cold of his cell makes the heat almost unbearable. It burns its way into his lungs and fills them with scorching air that make him cough.

Even though his legs barely support him they don't stop dragging him, forcing Josh to stumble over his feet and sway from side to side while they cruelly pull the chain that connect the manacles on his wrists and neck. He squints, trying to get used to the light and make out his surroundings, but all he can see is bright, almost white sky and sand. The camp is crowded with people, he can feel their presence around him and that makes him fold in on himself.  He has always been anxious being in crowded places , but now is even worse , knowing every single person in that crowd hates him with a burning passion.

Josh recognizes the square he's being lead to. He has been taken there a few times before, to be publically punished or humiliated. It makes his heart shrink and a sinking feeling fills his gut. The sand burns his bare feet while he stumbles to the center of the square, where two vertical poles, connected with a horizontal one form a metal frame where dozens of people found their death by hanging. So this is it then. They've decided he's no longer useful to them. They'll get rid of him, the same way they did with so many people and nobody will ever find out what happened to him. No trace, no evidence, nothing for his family to bury.

His eyes burn with tears when one final pull of the chain forces him right underneath the metal frame. But there's no rope hanging down from it. Confused, Josh looks around and sees countless faces staring at him with hatred and rage that mixes with pure madness.  They all look excited about something, talking to each other as if anticipating something. That gives Josh a rush of fear and anxiety that pierces his heart. Are they waiting for something ? Or somebody ?

Right on queue the crowd shuffles and makes space for someone to walk through.  Three people lead someone to Josh's direction and it takes the drummer about two seconds to recognize the badly bruised man.  It feels like someone kicked him in the stomach with a heavy boot and took his breath away.  _No,_ Josh thinks,  _please no._  He knows this person. They used to drink coffee together every morning. They've learned the local language together, helped each other get used to the new and hostile place. This man was one of his closest friends when Josh arrived in Syria months ago and started his work as a volunteer.

" Seth" Josh whispers and feels his every cell fill with sorrow by the sight of his bloodied and beaten friend. How did they catch him ? Did they ambush him the same way they did with Josh and his group ? Did more people die ? People Josh knew and considered friends ?

Josh sees the same shock, mixed with pain and disbelief reflect in Seth's eyes when they land on the drummer. Their eyes meet briefly and in that one moment Josh sees the same terror and pain that plagues him too. His friend has been tortured.

Before he can say anything, they are both lined up underneath the metal frame , shoulder to shoulder , both shaking like leafs despite the scorching heat. Josh wishes he could say something comforting, something that would help the other man feel less terrified, but nothing comes. God knows what's in store for them, and whatever it is , it promises more suffering.

His hands are being unlocked from the manacles that connect with the collar on his neck and the long chain that holds his wrists together is then thrown over the metal bar above him , stretching his hands up painfully. The same is done to Seth, who moans in pain when his body is pulled up by his arms , making Josh swallow back tears. He forces himself not to give out the fact that they know each other, because he knows how their captors operate.  They won't hesitate to torture his friend in front of him , just to see him break.

So he stands quietly, gritting his teeth against the burning pain in his shoulders and the ache in his heart and waits. He waits for something to happen, for their captors to do something, but nothing follows. The people gathered around the square seem to be celebrating something, with rifles in their hands and fists thrown up in the air. From what Josh understands they have someone very important visiting the camp and something else that makes his heart sink. The rebels have taken another town under control, killing thousands of people in the process and probably injuring even more. Innocent people. Entire families, children, elderly people. Nobody is spared.

While the terrorists celebrate their success he and Seth are left on the sun's mercy , being burned by its heat which is absolutely relentless.  It's not just hot. It's absolutely blazing. His back soon hurts and burns , where the sun beats down on his skin.  As time goes by it gets more and more unbearable until the burning pain engulfs his entire body, making it excruciating. The sun slowly moves from his back to his front, burning every inch of exposed skin. And since he's only wearing underwear , his entire body feels on fire.

"Josh ? " a pained voice calls his name quietly and makes Josh jump. They're not supposed to talk to each other he thinks and tries to speak as quietly as he can.

" Seth, we shouldn't " he whispers and turns his head slightly towards his friend who wears a pained expression. His face is bright red, and at second glance it seems like his skin is covered in blisters. Josh is too scared to look down on himself and see if he has blisters too. Judging by the excruciating pain it's probably true.

" I thought you were dead "Seth whispers back and sounds like he barely holds back his tears " I wish I could say I’m glad you're alive, but ... " he coughs and swallows drily "... but if they've been doing to you what they've done to me .. " he trails off and shakes his head.

" I'm so sorry " Josh says and realizes how dry his mouth is. He's so thirsty it's actually painful. Is he going to die from thirst ? What a horrible way to die he thinks and a part of him wishes they did hang him on the metal frame instead of this.

" Me too " Seth answers and they both stay quiet after that. As the day goes on the people clear out of the square until there are only a bunch of guards keeping an eye on them. It's obviously too hot for anyone to stay outside for too long , so the celebrations has moved inside the barracks. 

The sun is setting below the white colored horizon and Josh feels like he's dying , when the chain that's been holding him up is being set loose and he falls flat to the ground. The pain that follows the impact makes him half scream , half squeal , bringing him back to full consciousness.  Every single point of contact with the ground hurts his badly burned skin and it's all he can do to stop the tears from falling. The same happens to Seth who falls with a thud and screams so loud it hurts Josh's ears and soul.

"Don't move or you will regret it" someone spits at them and Josh almost laughs because he's in so much pain there's no way he'll move on his own will.  Laying down hurts even worse , especially since the ground is extremely hot and burns his tender skin. It's unbearable. Why can't he just pass out ? And what is he being punished for ?

The two men lie in silence , broken by occasional moan or groan. The sun soon disappears from the sky and brings some relief from the unbearable heat. Turning from his back to his side , Josh breathes out long puffs of air and tires to find a more comfortable position to lie. And then he notices it. They are left all alone.

"Seth ? " Josh speaks up and sees the other man shuffle a little " Are you awake ? "

" Yea-ah " he grits out

" I think we're alone " the drummer whispers just in case there is someone left behind to watch over them " I can't see anyone "

This makes Seth turn around slowly , hissing and groaning every once in a while.

"Really ? " he asks and looks around himself. The square and the surrounding area are absolutely empty "Fuck, you're right "

They stay quiet and look around, trying to decide whether that's a good thing or not. If they leave them out here for the night they will probably freeze , since the temperatures drop dramatically during the night.  But being left all alone in the open space could give them an opportunity that Josh would never dare hope to receive.

"Do you think we can ...  " Seth voices up his thoughts and makes Josh's mind reel.

"Escape ? " the drummer finishes and realizes how ridiculous that thought sounds out loud.

"I mean ... we are alone. What if there's a way out of here ? "

" If there is, I don't think it would be left unguarded " Josh answers, trying not to set his hopes up too high. And yet , deep down , in his very soul there's a tiny little part of him that hopes they could actually run away from this hell.

With a lot of effort, Josh manages to sit up, stretching his scorched skin until it's unbearable to move. He takes deep breaths and tries not to make sounds, because if he's noisy he'll draw attention.  It's getting dark pretty fast , the sun already hidden from sight which means they are running out of time. Josh looks around desperately , trying to see something that could help them escape.  There's fence everywhere, surrounding the entire camp from every side.  Towers are located in every angle , providing a view over the whole damn place.  There's a gate on the other side of the huge yard, but no matter how much he squints his eyes he can't see anyone actually guarding that gate.  There's also no one in the towers either. Everyone seems to have evaporated, or rather went to celebrate and left them absolutely unguarded.

His heart races. Did they really leave them all alone ? Can they actually escape ?  Turning towards Seth, Josh tries not to look too excited when he says "There's no one there. I can't see anyone at the gate " it could easily be a trap, but honestly what do they have to lose  ? If they try to run away and get killed in the process would still be better than spending another day in that hell hole. And what if they actually manage to escape ?

"The closest town is about 20 miles away from here " Seth answers with an even tone, but Josh can see the spark in his friend's eyes.

" Yeah. But still " Josh tries to push the thought of being stranded in the desert , miles away from any civilization out of his head. Yes, that would be pretty difficult to survive, but facing the torture in this camp is way more terrifying.

"So... "

"I say we try "  Josh says with a firmer voice and receives a nod from his friend.  The idea of escape and freedom gives him an adrenaline rush that silences most of the pain that wrecks his body.  He stands up and helps Seth get up too. The other man looks like death, with bruises blooming all over his body and wounds that are still open and bleeding. Josh isn't in a much better condition himself, but together they manage to make their way slowly and quietly towards the further end of the yard where the big gate is located.

They don't meet anyone along the way. The echo of people singing and screaming in the barracks follow them all the way to the fence and the fear of being caught intensifies as they get closer and closer to freedom.

The gate is high , but it's actually climable. It's easier to climb it than the fence, so they decide to give it a try. Josh stays behind and keeps an eye on the yard while Seth goes first.

It's already pitch black and the drummer has a hard time seeing anything. His hands and feet shake so hard he's not sure he will be able to climb if it comes to it.  Someone could've notices them, already alarming the others about their attempt to escape. Josh holds his breath and prays to God that nobody sees Seth while he clumsily makes his way to the top of the gate.  Even though it's cold he's breaking into sweat and bites his nails , trying to stop the anxiety from eating him from the inside. 

Nobody yells for them to stop. Nobody shoots at them. It's quiet, even peaceful.  Seth is almost on top when he turns around to look at Josh who gives him a thumbs up for reassurance.  He's almost there. All he has to do is throw himself and his body over the fence and find himself on the other side of it. Where he will be free.

In that very moment, when the sweaty and shaking man throws his leg over the top of the fence  something terrible happens. Almost as if played out in slow motion, Josh watches as a white spark bursts out of the metal wire when it contacts with Seth's body and throws him to the ground with brutal force.  _Electricity_ Josh realizes in horror, while his friend's scream echoes in his ears.

He's too shocked and scared to react, so he stands there rooted to the ground and hears footsteps approaching, people yelling, machineguns firing. He doesn't even have time to turn around and face the people who grab him from the back and force him on his knees with so much force he's almost certain one of his knee caps is shattered.  Seth is still on the ground when more people gather around and point their rifles at him.

" No, wait, It was my idea, it was my id-- "  Josh doesn't have time to finish his desperate plea, because about a dozen of guns go off at the same time and the bullets find home in Seth's still twitching body. 

He's numb. His mind does that sometimes, when things get too much and he can't stand it anymore his brain switches off.  It's like the things that happen next are not happening to him, but to someone else, far away from him.

He's dragged up to his feet and pushed and pulled all the way back to the metal frame in the now empty square.  People are yelling at him  _You are going to regret this, you will pay for this_ , threatening him with more pain, more suffering. His hands are chained back to the horizontal bar above him , but it doesn't really happen to him, he's too numb to feel the fear and terror of the situation.

All he feels is guilt. For leading his friend into this, for suggesting this crazy idea, for killing him. Because it's his fault, really. If he hadn't voiced his thoughts Seth would probably not do it himself.  Josh killed his friend. Let him climb first. But he didn't know there was electricity running there. If he knew he'd never send Seth up there. That doesn't really matter anymore though. The damage is done . The hope is gone. He will never get out of there alive.

His burnt skin takes all the punishment though. His torturers decide to whip him with a bull whip which would be extremely painful if he didn't have third and second degree burns all over his body. But because he does , it's so bad he's screaming as loud as he can from the first hit which isn't even that strong. Nothing  else exists but pain pain pain  _pain._  Every hit is agony. He's screaming apologies , that he's sorry, he will never do it again, just please, please stop.

 They don't stop.

They don't stop until blood flows out of the open wounds the whip has left.  They don't stop  until he can't form words anymore and just starts sobbing. They don't stop until they make sure he's learned his lesson and will never  _ever_  have the idea of running away again.

On sunrise, when the punishment is considered enough and the crowd leaves, Josh is taken back to his underground cell. His throat is raw from screaming and his skin is bloody and feels damaged beyond repair.  It's even worse inside , where the guilt of being responsible for yet another death has finally and irreversibly broken him.

Lying in the dark , he can't remember his name, can't recall being anything else than this. He's nobody. No name, no story, no personality. Nothing. That’s when he knows he's broken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Epilepsy has been a huge obstacle for me and my writing skills. Seizures often strike the part of my brain responsible for focus and concentration and I have difficulty sitting down and collecting my thoughts. Despite that I REFUSE to stop writing. I will keep doing it even if I suck at it. It's one of my favorite things in the world and nothing can take it away from me.  
> Thank you to all of you who are reading this story. It means so much to me I can't even put it into words
> 
> Pls comment to let me know what you think?? It will help a lot, even if it's criticism


	42. Truce

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I'm being terrible by making you wait so long for another chapter and I know things are kind of slow, but please bear with me.   
> I want to make this right. I don't want to rush things and I want do justice to this story, because it means a lot to me and touches on a subject that is very very real.   
> As usually I'm depending on your opinions to guide me, because it literally means the world and the Universe and all the galaxies to me :))
> 
> I just want to thank everyone who left a comment, a kudo or said a simple "hi'". Writing is everything to me and I'm so SO happy to see that people actually care about what I write :) I promise I will finish this story and it's going to happen really soon. Just bare with me for a little longer ^_^

The man in the mirror blinked rapidly with his dark brown eyes that glistened with anxiety while shifting slightly from foot to foot. His face was covered with a thin layer of stubble that added a couple of years to his otherwise boyish look and made him look more mature. His freshly dyed pink hair was falling rather messily on both sides of his face, hiding the row of white scars just next to his left ear.  There wasn’t anything strange or alarming about the way he looked. The nose ring was adding to his punk-ish look and the gauges in his ears completed it perfectly. He didn’t look any different that the next 28 years old punk kid, at least not at first sight.

If you looked closer though, you’d see the shadows underneath his tired , but otherwise warm eyes framed by very dark eyelashes. It took a little bit closer look to see how his nose was a bit more crooked than normal, a bit more angled. Like it’s been broken multiple times.  His cheekbones were visible, but the stubble hid them quite well, so if you only cast him a single look you’d probably miss the way the stood out. The scars crossing his cheeks and forehead were faded and too thin to notice, unless you know they are there and not many people knew they existed.

He knew though.

Josh knew.

Brain is a funny thing, Josh often thought to himself. The way memory works is so weird it’s actually funny sometimes. For example, he barely remembered the name of the girl who danced with him on his prom. He didn’t quite recall what was the first award he and Tyler ever won in their music career. He didn’t know whether his dog was two or three years old. Seemingly important things like those and many others were scrambled in his brain in such a way he couldn’t untangle them. But he remembered how he got every little scar on his body.

It seemed impossible, especially to other people, but deep inside of him, Josh knew.

His body remembered everything and that was one of his biggest setbacks in terms of recovery. While his brain could shut out the painful memories in a self-preservation effort, his body could not. Josh often experienced physical pain in various places where his scars were crisscrossing, which to him was surprising but not to his doctor.

“ For better or worse, your body remembers way more than you think. “ his dr. Lewis told him when Josh brought up the pain he sometimes feels all over his body. “ Your neurological system is a complicated net of receptors that hold  particular information inside of them. This information, in your case the intense physical pain that you’ve suffered for a long period of time, is stored inside your neurons and can be released at any given moment if something triggers it.  It’s complicated …. “ dr. Lewis took his glasses off and sighed “ …. but the short explanation is that the trauma you’ve suffered is very difficult to forget.  Probably impossible even. Strangely enough your mind is easier to manipulate into forgetting certain things then your body. “

Josh’s hand instinctively went to his neck where three thick white lines rounded it from every angle. Like an invisible rope. It was very often, during his panic attacks he would feel the rope tighten and take his breath away. It was a physical feeling, not just physiological suffocation and that scared him so much he sometimes wanted to tear his scarred skin away just to get rid of those ropes.

Swallowing hard, Josh traced the rough lines with the tips of his fingers and tried to chase away the feeling of _weight_ on his throat. “ Sometimes … sometimes I don’t want to forget “ he said with an uncertain voice and looked up.

“ Why is that ? “ his shrink Pratt Liens asked with a curious look

“ I mean… I want to forget the bad things that happened to me, but at the same time I don’t want to forget the other people who died there. I don’t want them to be forgotten , you know ? “  Josh hesitated, unsure how to put his thoughts into words.

“ Do you still remember them ? The people who were brought there while you were in captivity ? “ 

“ Yes. I’m not very good with remembering faces and … most of them I couldn’t see very clearly , because they were either too far away or covered in blood or… maimed .. “  Josh trailed off and rubbed his eyes, in attempt to clear his head and stop his tears from invading his eyes. “ But I remember surprisingly a lot. They all had their stories. When we were left alone we often shared things to pass time and there was always something that stood out about every story. I wish … I wish I could somehow get it out of my head and .. I don’t know. Write it down or paint it or something “  Josh  mumbled the second part of the sentence feeling stupid. Why did he always have such difficulty explaining what he felt ?

“ Have you ever tried writing things down ? “  Pratt asked after a short thought.

“ Yeah. It usually ends up choppy and doesn’t really make much sense. I’m not good with writing, Tyler’s the one with the writing skills “ 

“Why don’t you try to talk to Tyler then? Tell him everything you can remember and have him write it down?  “the shrink responded after a short couple of moments.

Josh slapped himself internally. Why haven’t he thought of that? Tyler was a perfect story teller. He could describe things in ways Josh could never even imagine.  

“ Maybe “ the drummer answered smiling “ Yeah, maybe that could work. If Tyler’s up to it though. Some of the details are really gruesome.“

“I think Tyler would travel all the way to the Sun and back just to help you “ the other man smiled at Josh who nodded. He knew that Tyler often felt helpless because essentially he couldn’t help Josh much. It was down to the pink haired man to find the strength and will to continue fighting.

“ I know. I just sometimes wish I could talk to someone without feeling like I’m going to traumatize them for life “  Josh said with a light tone, but he wasn’t joking. He didn’t hide things from Tyler and often  answered some pretty uncomfortable questions without running away from them, but almost always kept the most graphic details to himself.  Only he and the four walls that had soaked in his blood knew the worst of the details.

“ Why don’t you talk to someone who had similar experience ? Someone who has been tortured and is familiar with the gruesomeness of it ? “Josh shrunk in his chair a little when the other man brought up the group therapy. These kinds of sessions usually involve standing up and talking in front of everyone which is something that terrified Josh on a very deep level.

Probably sensing the younger man’s discomfort dr.Liens smiled warmly and said “ It’s just a suggestion, Josh.  You don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with. All I’m saying is that it might help you open up. I know it sounds scary , but isn’t facing your fears the only way to overcome them ? “the shrink said with a gentle voice and let Josh digest that thought for a while.

And hell it sounds scary and way too private to share with a dozen of people he doesn’t even know, but at the same time he knows the other man is right. He will never stop living in fear unless he faces it head on.

“ I can’t even be annonyous cause you know … “ Josh motioned towards himself and looked out of the window. This whole ordeal would be so much easier if he wasn’t a worldwide famous drummer. He wouldn’t be so anxious walking out of his house, not having to look over his shoulder for paparazzi and news reporters all the time.

“Trust me,  to the  people who go to these kind of therapies you will be someone they can share their pain with. They will not look at you as something other than a person, a human being just as broken and as hurt as them. Your position in society is not important. Your story is, and your recovery. “

The more Josh listened to Pratt talk about these sessions the more he wanted to find out more about them. What kind of people went there? Were they really tortured like Josh was? Would they understand him truly if he opened up to them ? The possibility of speaking to someone who knew exactly how Josh felt was both scary and exciting. 

“Maybe … maybe I’ll check it out “  Josh said and looked up to see dr. Liens smiling back at him. The doctor couldn’t hide how proud he was and that made Josh feel a little bit ashamed for waiting this long to make that move.

“That would be a very good thing for you, Josh. Don’t rush it, though. If you decide to go and you feel uncomfortable or uncertain you can always leave and come back another time. Take your time “

Josh was given a booklet with photos, info and short history of the group sessions they’ve just talked about. The sessions took place once a week and everyone was welcome to sign up. The text said nobody would be pressured to talk and participating isn’t required. You can just sit there and listen and that would be perfectly fine. It was exactly what Josh needed. He needed to be reassured that he’s not the only one living with constant fear and self-loathing. That he’s not the only one hearing voices that scream night and day at the back of his head. He felt so isolated and lonely, despite the immense support his family and friends provided and he desperately needed some kind of outlet.

Unfortunately there were others, far more accessible outlets for his pain that Josh often didn’t have the strength to resists.  One of them was taking prescribed drugs, but in way bigger dose than the one he meant to have. Usually, after grueling sessions with his therapist, haunted by the feeling of guilt and remorse he would come home and pop pain pills until his mind was clouded enough so he couldn’t think.

There was nobody home, so Josh curled up in the king sized bed of his LA apartment, pulled the blanket all the way to his chin and clutched the bottle of pills in between his shaking hands. His brain was swirling with thoughts about the group therapy, about the pills in his hands and all the things he could tell the world about what’s been going on in those camps, if only he had the courage. The responsibility of revealing the truth weighted heavily on his shoulders and Josh often felt guilt for not being strong enough to stand up and speak for everyone who could no longer speak for themselves.

He was in pain today anyway, so taking the drugs wouldn’t feel like committing a crime after all.  His physiotherapists insisted that Josh stopped taking any pain medication stronger than Tylenol whatsoever, but it often proved impossible. He would tell his doctor that he’s not taking anything too strong, but he knew deep down that as long as he had prescription for morphine he would probably never stop using it.

He didn’t want to think of it as an addiction, but more as a way out. As much as the painkillers were helping with the physical pain, they also dulled his mind. And his mind never rested. It was out of his control, really, how his brain never stopped going back to bad places he never wanted to visit again.  All it took was to close his eyes and _snap_ he was back in the dark cold cell with no hope of getting out of there alive. That feeling of hopelessness was stuck with him more than anything else. He could feel it all around him; it was soaked into the walls and the ceiling of that dark and lonely place.

Josh couldn’t remember a single person that survived as long as he did and there were a lot of people brought in. Every time someone got killed, Josh lost a little piece of hope. Some of them were too young or too old; they were weak and died quickly. Lucky them, Josh would think.

Others were not so lucky.

The healthy and strong ones suffered the longest. Josh was one of the few prisoners who got fed, so he wouldn’t die from starvation, but others didn’t have that luck. He’d tried to pass his food to other people, but that lead to severe punishment for everyone, so inevitably he’d have to watch people starve to death. It is as horrible as it sounds and it takes weeks, sometimes a month to drain the life out of a person. At first it’s just hunger, but as time goes by it turns to something much worse. Bones begin to break from the slightest touch, teeth fall out, people lose their sight, their hearing.  It’s an excruciating way to die.

Not many survived that long though. Most of the prisoners died during the horrible tortures or afterwards, either bleeding to death or suffering internal injuries that could not heal without medical attention.

Josh shuddered underneath his blanket and tried to wrap it tighter around his body. God, there was so much death, so much loss.  How could he shield himself from it when he carried it all inside? Pour it out ? Let others share the weight?

Burying his face in the pillows Josh kept clutching the bottle of pills in his hand, feeling his resolve not to take them slowly melt away.

***

Tyler was sitting in the beautifully decorated office feeling slightly nervous. He planned this visit for a while, but he didn’t know if he could actually make this work. As he was waiting, his mind wondered back to Josh who was probably sleeping at his flat right now. Since coming down to LA things have gotten a little bit more complicated. The positive side of the trip was seeing Josh open up about his trauma and talk about it with dr. Morgan and his shrink. That was a healthy thing and Tyler was happy that his friend could finally feel freer to talk about the bad stuff he experienced. On the other hand though, that inevitably lead to big mood swings and bouts of anger and depression that lasted for days. Josh’s physical state has gotten considerably better, especially over the last 6 months and the visible evidence of the horrors he went through was almost gone. His mental state was a whole different story though.

Despite all the therapy, the support and help from both loved ones and specialists, Josh was still suffering. His nightmares, even though rarer now, still drove him to a state of hysteria and often imposed the use of sedatives to calm him down. Anything could trigger a panic attack and his anxiety was off the roof. Tyler knew from the day he brought Josh back from Syria, that his friend would never be the same, but still it was very difficult seeing him struggle.

That’s exactly what drove Tyler out of his house that day and into the spacious bright office he was currently sitting at. A steaming cup of coffee was clutched between his hands while he waited for other man to arrive.

The door opened and the executive manager of SJC drums walked inside with a wide stride. He was a tall man, dressed in a stylish suite and wearing an expression of surprise and joy.

“ Tyler “ the man said and the singer instantly stood, stretching his hand towards him.

“ Hey, John. Thank you so much for taking the time to meet me “ Tyler answered while they shook hands, both men smiling. 

John shook his head and squeezed Tyler’s hand one last time, before gesturing him to sit down. “ Please, there’s no need to thank me. I’d be the happiest man on Earth if there was something I can do for you boys” the company has been a big support to their band over the ears and Josh has managed to win over everybody’s hearts. Not very surprising, considering the fact that his friend was probably the nicest guy in the world.

“How is Josh doing? “ John asked after taking his own seat behind the massive wooden desk. That’s a tricky question, Tyler thought and smiled.

“ He’s doing a lot better. I mean he still has a long way to go, but considering what he’s been through I think he’s doing a great job” it what Tyler manages to say, trying to sound convincing enough. It’s always difficult to explain to people Josh’s state. There are so many things to deal with, so many obstacles to overcome it gets overwhelming sometimes. But of course he’s not going to go around telling people how incredibly difficult his life has become over the last two years. It was pointless anyway. He didn’t need pity or sympathy.

“I’m still in shock that something like this happened to a great person like Josh. He’s the last person on Earth who could deserve this “ John shook his head and sighed. Tyler agreed with the man. Nobody deserved what Josh has been through. “So please, if there’s anything, absolutely anything I can do for him or you, tell me. I’ll do it in a heartbeat.”

“I think there might be something you can do.” Tyler started and wondered how to explain his idea. “ You make custom drum sets, right?” 

“Yes, that’s right”

“I have an idea and I need you to help me bring it to life” Tyler said and saw a smile stretch across John’s face.

“If you mean what I think you mean, I’m absolutely down for it.” The taller man stated and nodded “We can make pretty much anything work. Just show me what you have in mind and me and the team will do our best”

 

****

Josh couldn’t sleep. He made the decision to not take painkillers earlier in the day and now he was regretting it. Not because he was in too much pain, but because his body, just like dr. Lewis has told him many times before, has gotten used to the drugs. Withdrawal is a word Josh never liked using, because it sounded like he was a drug addict which he wasn’t. But that was exactly what he was experiencing. His breath came short, his chest felt tight and he was sweating all over. Josh knew that if he held on for a couple of days, for a week tops and didn’t take anything he’d eventually get over the withdrawal, but he always broke. And the reason why he broke usually wasn’t related to the physical discomfort he was feeling while off painkillers. It was the hallucinations, the terrible visions and sounds that went along with withdrawal that defeated him and his will to break free from the hold of drugs.

It was one of those nights. His back was stiff and his shoulders hurt no matter how many pillows he put underneath himself. His mouth was dry and the waves of nausea were hitting him every 15 or so minutes. His body was demanding something Josh didn’t want to and simply couldn’t give. He deeply regretted flushing a whole bottle of pills down the toilet earlier in the day. In bouts of anger targeted at himself, he often did things like that. He’d throw away pills, cut his hair, throw away instruments and the list went on. He never directed his anger towards anyone else but himself. He was honestly surrounded by the best people in the world, but he could never be as good as them or as pure. He was corrupted and damaged and once you go down that road there’s no turning back.

The digital clock next to his head showed 3:40 am. It was dark outside and judging by how cold the day has been, it was probably freezing outside. Josh forced his stiff body to move and sat up, stretching his back and wincing from the discomfort. His feet touched the cold ground and his head sunk in between his sweaty palms.

Josh sat there for a long moment, trying to steady his breathing and convince himself that he’s safe and okay. The darkness always played tricks on his mind, drawing pictures of dead bodies and decapitated corpses that were not there. Shadows still made his skin crawl.

He needed fresh air. Even more than that, he needed to feel less confined and freer. Josh shuffled down to his dresser and pulled his running gear out. He missed running so much. It always helped him clear his head and let go of things that bothered him. It was also a great therapy for anxiety which was now gnawing at his gut.

Deciding he wouldn’t be able to sleep anyway, he pulled on a pair of track suit, a t-shirt and a beanie. When he opened the door the cold that rushed inside his apartment almost made him change his mind, but he pushed through it. When he laced his running shoes and stretched a little bit more, Josh was out of the door and on the empty street.

And damn it was cold. The wind picked up pushed Josh into moving. He started off by walking with a fast pace, doing his best to ignore the shooting pains in his legs that reminded of old injuries. His bones were broken so many times there was a very faint chance they will ever function normally again. It took 10 minutes of struggle to build up the confidence to start running and when Josh made the first three steps he almost fainted. He didn’t stop though. Slowly, step after step his body got used to the grind and the pain subsided to a dull ache. His tempo was slow and unsteady, but he was running. Josh couldn’t believe it. At one point the thought he would never be active again; at least not as active as he used to be before the whole thing happened. Running and lifting weights was out of the question, doctors would say. They said the same about drumming, but now Josh felt a rush of hope that maybe they were wrong about that too.

He couldn’t run more than one mile without slowing down for a walk and when he did slow down he was completely out of breath. It was more difficult than he would imagine, not just the pain in his body, but the burning in his lungs as well. He couldn’t breathe and his pulse must’ve been almost 200 and according to his watch, Josh was out for about 30 minutes.

Absolutely out of breath and in a considerable amount of pain, Josh stopped just in time to lean against a building before his body could collapse to the ground. He overdone it and he knew it. He shouldn’t have pushed himself so much on his first run, but he couldn’t help it. It gave him a sense of freedom that nothing else besides drumming could give him. And God he needed it. He needed to feel free, because most of the time he lived inside of his own little prison.

His lungs burned and Josh coughed, wrapping both hands around his chest. _One, two, three, four …_  he counted in his mind, waiting for the pain to subside. He was sweating despite the freezing air and his mouth was dry. The pounding headache followed suit and forced Josh to slide down the wall and sit on the pavement. Thank Lord it was too early in the morning for anyone to walk by and see the pathetic state he was in. Drawing deep breaths, Josh closed his eyes and focused on the cold air and the sounds of birds singing in the background. The ground beneath him was cold, as well as the wall behind him and he forced himself to think about that, instead of the pain his body was in. 

Slowly, his body found its way back to its normal rhythm. The breaths came easier and the cramps in his muscles eased to the point of stiffness. Josh kept his eyes closed and hands resting on his folded knees. Everything was going to be okay, he told himself. He’s been through worse and he made it. He can do this.

As he cooled down the cold gripped him and made him shiver. It was early March, which meant that the temperatures were still around zero. He needed to move.

Josh lifted his head and opened his eyes, greeted by a sky full of stars. He remembered dreaming about this, just to see the stars one more time. There were no nights or days for him back in captivity. It was weird how much he missed simple things like seeing the sun rise or feeling the breeze on his face. He missed it more than sleeping in bed or eating good food.

Josh savored the moment for a while and slowly lifted himself off the ground. His body was tense, but not nearly in as much pain as it has been earlier. His back hurt, but now that he moved it hurt differently. It was sharp pain, but a dull ache that spread like fire up and down his spine. He could handle it though. These days he could handle anything.

Josh didn’t run on his way back home; he walked and took deep breaths of cold air. His mind was elsewhere. It wondered back to the group therapy he’s been avoiding thinking about for the past week. It made him feel uncomfortable and a little bit scared, but what harm could it do? Showing up to see what they have to say can’t hurt him, right?

By the time he reached his apartment his hands were freezing and his nose and cheeks were red. But he felt good. He felt like he was in control again and damn that felt great.

Josh took a very hot shower to warm up and made himself a cup of coffee with milk. It was around 5 am, still too early to call Tyler, so Josh simply stared at his phone for a while. He wanted to tell his best friend he decided to participate in a group session with people who share similar abusive past like him. Tyler would probably feel very proud of him. That thought put a smile on his face as he leaned back in his chair and look outside the window where the sun was rising.

The spring was almost here. Another month and the trees would turn green once again and the new cycle would begin. Josh clutched the warm mug of coffee in between his fingers and couldn’t help but feel like he was like one of those threes that were about to be reborn. There was something beautiful and revitalizing about spring. When the leaves fall, the world is letting go of all the pieces and parts that can no longer serve in positive way. Trees hold strong to their core and survive the storms; but every good tree knows that as time goes by, the leaves will come back and everyone will get to start again.  It was a long awaited spring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay strong guys. I know life is tough for a lot of you, but you can get through the storm and survive another winter. You're so much more than your scars and your fears. Your roots are deeper than them ❤️❤️ Stay alive |-/


End file.
